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Hi, this is Dr. Latifah Watford, and welcome to Radio Headspace and to Thursday Morning.
As you know, this week is all about navigating major life transitions, and today, we're talking about when you take the step to living with someone else.
Cohabitation. Look, I've met with a lot of people over the years, and something I think that people really overlook is how to properly transition into living with their partner.
Unfortunately, when people come to me or people like me, it's because there's a problem.
And while a lot of it has to do with compatibility, there are definitely things people need to think about and things that they can do to make that move a bit easier.
So moving in together is a big step for a variety of reasons.
It literally means you are combining your life with someone else's.
That's a huge change for most of us.
I remember when I first moved in with my husband, we realized there was still a lot to figure out.
Like, how are we going to split the bills?
Or what chores are we going to be responsible for?
Or perhaps, how do we manage our very busy schedules, but also include time for us?
One of the things that now makes me laugh, but at the time was kind of a big deal to me, was the chore thing.
You see, I grew up in a household where taking the trash out was the boy's job.
So when I came home, I expected that my then boyfriend would have taken the trash out.
Now, don't get me wrong.
He usually did, but he seemed to be more of an equal opportunity to take the trash out kind of person than I was, for sure.
In fact, I remember one time, he very gently kind of in passing said, hey, babe, when you go out, can you take the trash out?
I can tell you right now, I remember to this day I stopped and turned and looked at him and was just blown away that he would have the audacity to ask me to take the trash out.
Now, that could have exploded into a huge argument and fight.
Fortunately, it did not, because apparently the way I looked at him was funny, so he just started laughing, which instantly diffused my confusion and irritability.
But then it also led to us talking.
I very simply said trash going out as a boy's job, to which he said a boy's job.
So does that mean you're going to do all the cooking and cleaning?
That made me realize how ridiculous I was being about trash and boy's job and gender roles.
But we did agree that trash is going to be a boy's job.
But we also agreed to some other flexible things around our chores.
Most importantly, we talked about it and we figured out a system that worked for us.
So if you've made that move or you're preparing to make that move, here's some things to keep in mind to make it as smooth as possible.
Remember, communication is the key.
Talk about everything.
And I do mean everything.
How do you each spend money?
What's important to you when it comes to finances?
Are you a saver or a spender?
Talk about your roles or your perceived roles in the relationship.
If you're the breadwinner, does that excuse you from doing household chores?
Are you guys going to split things evenly?
Talk about what you see in the future.
Are you renting this apartment?
Are you guys looking to buy something together?
Just talk about it all.
That way, when situations come up, because they will, you already kind of have a groundwork that you can go back to and resolve things from.
Speaking of resolving, sometimes the answer is not going to be your way or their way.
But never forget, there's always a way.
You can figure it out.
Oftentimes, there's no real wrong answer.
It's just the best answer for you.
One of the most important things I often share with people is your relationship and how you live with your partner is strictly yours.
Meaning it's not going to look like your parents or your best friend's parents or your grandparents.
And it shouldn't. It should be something where you and your partner have decided and determined this is what we want our home life to be like.
As long as it's doing that, then you're on the right track.
You will disagree. But that doesn't have to mean the end.
It means it's an opportunity to discuss things and strengthen your relationship.
That's it for today.
Again, thank you so much for listening.
Tomorrow, we're going to talk about how to deal with aging parents.
Thank you.
