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Hey folks, Robin here again with you all.
But guess what? I am not alone.
I am lucky to be sitting with Rosie and Headspace therapist Samantha.
And we will be answering your questions about how to handle when your best friend gets into a relationship and you feel sort of abandoned.
How to support a family member who is diagnosed with autism.
And we have a question about how to create a consistent practice without forgetting to show up or getting annoyed.
Are you ready? Because here we go.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Or a therapist you can call after a long day.
Or a mental health coach you can lean on for advice.
Someone to help you see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
A podcast where I sit down with Headspace experts and we answer your questions.
Hey you two. It is so lovely to be with you both here today.
Hey. Samantha, I'm so excited.
Yes. It's our first Rosie and Samantha pairing.
I love it. This is going to be crazy.
I've been looking forward to this.
Well, I'm excited to answer questions with you both today.
And we made sure to get some representation from some men in our community because did you two know that it's officially Movember?
I mean, you all know what Movember is?
No. I don't know what Movember is.
Okay. So Movember is when people grow mustaches during the month of November.
That's hard to say Movember in November.
To raise awareness for men's health issues like prostate or testicular cancer and men's suicide.
And it's such a fun idea, but for a really important cause.
So we made sure we got some of our men in here today.
I love that. Yes. So let's get to our first question.
Here is Justin. Hi.
My name is Justin and I'm living in San Francisco.
And my question is for six years I've had a really intensely close best friend.
We've done almost everything together.
We've traveled all over the world together.
We've been intensely close.
We've been intensely supportive.
I've been there while he cried when his father might die.
He was there when I cried when my cat died.
But recently, he has gotten a boyfriend.
And I'm really struggling with the fact that we don't spend as much time together anymore.
And of course, I understand that he has this romantic relationship that he needs to invest in.
But I can't help but feel an overwhelming sadness when I miss hanging out with him.
And at times I didn't feel angry.
How do I get over this change in our relationship and focus on being happy for him that he's found someone he may want to spend his life with or at the very least enjoy spending time with his mother.
Thank you. Justin, this is such a sweet question.
It's hard when friendships shift or change.
I want to hear what you two think.
It's really hard. And thank you, Justin, for writing in and just being vulnerable and open.
Relationships are hard friendships, romantic relationships.
All relationships are hard.
And when they start to shift, it's even harder.
I have a best friend and sometimes she'll get friends.
And I'm like, who are they?
Absolutely not. It's Samantha, it's those memes that you send.
Do you ever see those on Instagram?
It's like when somebody's trying to be friends with my best friend, and it's always something really aggressive and traumatic.
Like, no. No, it's my friend.
But I think like, you know, whenever I see those memes or even think about myself and my friends, I have to think about I want what's best for my friend.
And my friend lives far away.
So I want what's best for her.
So it's important for her to build relationships that are so important to her outside of hours in order for her to have the full life that she wants for herself.
And I want that for her.
So that left me to like tend to my own, you know, my own emotions, my own reactions and not like project that onto her, but also share some of that.
Some of those fears with my friend.
So I think that that's okay too.
Yeah. First of all, I want to acknowledge you, just like Samantha said, I want to acknowledge your feelings.
I want to acknowledge your experience and your vulnerability in expressing how you feel.
I think a lot of the times we feel like in relationships, especially friends, non -romantic relationships, we feel like we're not entitled to feeling some of the same things that we might feel in a romantic relationship, right?
I feel like we negate our experience of maybe losing that time with our friend and losing some of those intimate experiences, because that person is now in an intimate relationship with somebody else.
Like make no mistake, friendship relationships are intimate relationships as well.
And sometimes it feels like a loss.
So the advice that I would give in this situation from a mindfulness perspective is to number one, definitely express gratitude for the friendship that you had.
Really allow yourself to think about the wonderful memories that you shared with this person.
A lot of the times it helps you reduce the feelings of loss when you just think about the great asset they were, the great value that they brought into your life, and even maybe just send them a note of appreciation.
But be gentle that it's not like, I'm grateful for the friendship we used to have now that you're in a new relationship.
Because that could, you know what I'm saying?
Do you girls pick up what I'm putting down?
It could be a little bit misconstrued.
But I think just having a general appreciation for the relationship is always good to put yourself back into the present moment of what you're experiencing.
The other thing is to shift your focus to quality time that you have now to focus on new friendships, new hobbies, new experiences.
This time now that you have to yourself, you can explore something you're passionate about or maybe pursue that acquaintance that could be another deep and meaningful relationship in your life.
So you start to just really look at the possibilities that are present.
And always my go -to is always practice loving kindness, right?
Send you, send yourself feelings and wishes of loving kindness and send your friend the same well wishes because your friend is now experiencing something that they probably want to be experiencing with somebody else.
And wouldn't it be so?
A lot of the times we're just thinking about our own experience of loss, right?
We're not thinking, what is my person, my friend, gaining and how exciting is that for them?
And how can you support that holistic experience for them?
Because if there is a world where you want to have that same type of intimate relationship, how would you want that friend showing up for you?
Yeah. I also would like to say, now Justin didn't give us a lot of backstory, but I think it's okay to, depending like, are you being completely put to the wayside?
I think it's okay if that is the case to be like, bestie, you know, like I totally am so happy for you and I respect and I love this for you.
And I can see you're growing.
I just missed you. And is there a way we can have a little bit more time than what we've had the last six months or a year?
Like can we have a standing, you know, once a month dinner or a Zoom, you know, like whatever it is, like, can we do something to make sure we don't lose our friendship because I just miss you?
And I think that's okay to do.
But, you know, being prepared for some people go all in on relationships.
And it may be a wave where you don't see them as much for a while.
So that's the grieving part, I don't know, in my opinion.
No, I love that idea, Robin.
Oh, thank God, Samantha.
Thank you. Okay. I think that's absolutely an appropriate ask.
Like, that's your friend.
And if you've been able to be beside each other through so many hard times, supporting each other, you should definitely be able to have those conversations.
One other thing that's come into mind is like you mentioned in the call that sometimes you get really angry.
And sometimes that comes with feelings of abandonment.
And maybe exploring that.
If you are needing to get into your own therapy or coaching sessions to explore what those feelings feel like, if you've experienced it before, maybe it's bringing some other things back up that you might want to work through as you start to get into new relationships or work through this one with this friend.
So I just wanted to add that too.
And good luck, Justin.
It's like, it's hard, it can, you know, transitions are tough, but we're with you and you have your headspace community.
And I'm sure you have a rich community outside of us too.
So we're sending, we're sending good luck, Justin.
Okay. Here is our next question from Georgie.
Hi, Headspace. It's Georgie here.
My question for you is around supporting neurodiverse people in our lives.
My younger sister was diagnosed last year with autism and I'm finding it really hard to know how to help her when things get really tough and to try and understand different perspectives and why she struggles with what she struggles with.
I would really love some advice on how to provide support in ways when maybe they don't know how to ask for it.
And I also wanted to ask about how to support oneself as well in a time where others around you are struggling.
How do I give myself and support others while also supporting myself?
Thank you, Headspace.
Oh, thank you for this question, Georgie.
I think this is an important question.
I mean, it's, that's a big change and a lot to process.
And, you know, what I think is really interesting is not only Georgie, are you trying to make sure that you are supporting your sister, but you're also trying to take care of yourself.
So that sounds to me like a really lovely place to start.
Yeah. No, I totally agree with that.
And it sounds like, you know, her heart is in the right place.
And Georgie, I love, I have sisters.
So I love that you're even taking initiative and asking these questions.
There's obviously a lot of love there and a lot of desire for support.
And I can also imagine there's quite a bit of frustration in having to deal with the situation that, you know, you can sometimes not have any control over.
I think that you're already off to a great start.
It sounds like you value and note the importance of taking care of yourself first.
It's the whole adage, put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can help, you know, somebody else.
So I really, I really love that.
I think if you continue to stay on that route, the biggest and most important suggestion I could give you is to continue to take care of yourself, to establish self -care practices that allow you to be present, to care for yourself in ways that allow you to support somebody else.
Because I think a lot of the times we forget how energetically draining that can be.
And when you prioritize yourself in that way, whether it be, you know, meditation or journaling or doing whatever you need to do in order to set those parameters for yourself, it's like you can't pour from an empty cup.
So I think just knowing that from the gate is really great.
I also feel like offering emotional validation for your sister and just having a lot of compassion and just reminding her that she's loved and she's accepted just the way she is.
Just even saying things like, I'm here for you, I think is really important and really impactful and valuable.
So yeah, I'm really curious Samantha, what your opinion is on this.
I have a lot of thoughts.
I, you know, I really thank you Georgie for just calling in and it is difficult being, you know, not you didn't mention that you're in the role of a caretaker, but you are caring for your sister and probably in the way of a caretaker many times you are in that position.
And I think with the first part of the question about your sister and the diagnosis of autism, it's important to learn what you can about your sister and how autism, how she presents what her, her behaviors, how she sees the world, learn to see the world through her lens as much as you're able to, because autism
is a wide spectrum and that allows you to, you know, move and care for her while also being aware of biases that could exist or come to you by way of like social media or the internet and things like that, where people who are autistic, they are human beings and they show up in that way.
And the best way to support them is to understand them from a human perspective.
And she's your sister and nobody understands a sister like a sister.
That's so true. I was thinking the same thing.
I interviewed for another podcast that I host.
I interviewed someone who was neurodivergent and it ended up being a whole conversation of him talking about how, how he presents in the world and how he has to mask and all the ways that, that what he had to go through to really like live a day.
And I was floored just hearing like all the things he'd put in place.
And it sounds like your sister, Georgie is, is new to the diagnosis and probably still learning a lot about herself.
But he had a coach who was neurodivergent as well.
And that helped him understand himself.
And then his ability to share it, I'm just thinking like something like that for you would be so helpful because you know, to Samantha's point, like y 'all already have the relationship.
You just need to have the understanding so you can be like, Oh, cause it's like for me, the whole masking concept of like, and he talked about all the things he had to put in place to be able to focus on one person in a conversation.
And again, to Samantha's point, like it's not a monolith.
So it's, it's everyone, it's going to be different.
But communications to talk about that seems like it'd be really important.
Oh, yeah. And there are so many different groups, communities out there that you can participate in for your own care, and to support you in caring for your sister and for your sister to participate in for you to join together.
There's such a wide breadth of support out there.
And I think that it would just be helpful to show like, there is a world out here for us.
And we should all be able to exist in it.
And let's just go break it wide open.
Yeah, I love that. I love that.
And Georgie, just like, go out there.
Like, I like I think we all said it's so lovely that you're coming from this place of support.
So all we're doing is just sending more support at you just holding up the mirror and putting more right back at you.
And we wish you so much luck with your sister.
Okay, we'll be right back.
All right, we have time for just one more question.
Here we go. Hello, I'm Bernard.
I come from Italy, and I'm wondering how to get more focused on present and to do it daily without forgetting or getting annoyed about the practice.
Like a short question from Bernardo, but a really good question.
I mean, and I'm not gonna lie, I forget all the time.
Like I can't tell you how many times you all have talked about like the stop technique or that this and in the moment never remember to do it.
So I love all the techniques totally and all the techniques at the end of the day, we practice because we forget ultimately, that's the answer.
We practice because we forget.
And even as a meditation teacher, I forget like this is part of why it's called a practice.
It's a practice because the promise of the practice is that over time we'll start to get to a place where the space between my thought and reaction is a little bit more spacious.
You know, it's like in really simplistic terms.
The space is spacious.
The space gets spacious because the space offers us to be able to act from a place of wisdom, as opposed to a place of reactivity.
Ultimately, that's where we're trying to get to.
And so, Bernardo, your question is short, but grand.
And it is the one that oftentimes we all struggle with because even though it's a simple practice, it's very, very difficult to be present.
I mean, our mind is going a million miles per second.
And it's constantly either, you know, thinking about the past or projecting into the future.
Its job is to not be in the present.
Its job is to be constantly calculating risk and keeping you safe.
That's the nature of the mind.
I was going to say what, Rosie?
I was just thinking about something else.
Ah, see? I mean, this is why practices like active listening is really good when you're with people, because then you're reflecting exactly what I'm saying to you.
And we're having this dialogue where we're both in the same time and space and having this experience.
But at the end of the day, like, our mindfulness practice is not about perfection.
It's about practice.
It's about doing it consistently with an open heart and an open mind to be able to continuously do it with an open heart and an open mind without attachment and without judgment.
Is that all? No big deal.
That's it. I know. That's it.
Every day. Well, now I have it.
And now I have it. Right.
And look, compassion for frustration is key, right?
Having compassion for our own frustration is the key.
It's normal to feel annoyed or to be forgetful.
But instead of us being hard on ourselves, I think it's really important to just gently remind ourselves to come back.
It's like gently bringing your attention back to the present moment.
I say it all the time whenever I teach or just even as a mantra, bring yourself back every time.
I mean, what is the, the quote, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
And that's how we have to think about our practice.
It's just one small step that ultimately over time it does add up and it does make it a little easier to access.
Absolutely. Everything Rosie said times three.
She's the expert. I beg to differ.
I'm the expert at forgetting and I'm getting mad about it.
So what about experts of sorts, Samantha, if you will.
I see. If you won't.
Oh my gosh. I was thinking though, like, what's the definition?
How is Bernardo defining his practice?
Ooh. Because I find myself, I had to rethink what my, what, how I defined the practice.
Did I have to be sitting down for 10 minutes, 20 minutes, 30 minutes, or could I be mindful while fixing my coffee, listening to the sound of the machine, watching what's happening outside?
Like that for me became success.
Ooh, I like that. If I could fix my coffee without thinking about who I'm going to see, who's my next meeting, I could just hear, I can tell you right now every step of my coffee routine because that became my practice.
And maybe if there were opportunities to integrate more of those mindful moments into the practice, it might help to start, you know, in that first step, like Rosie mentioned.
One thing I can say in all seriousness that's helped me is that's along the lines of what you're saying is recognizing that I struggled to sit, but I'm really good at walking meditation or taking moments to find that piece sitting on a bench in the park.
And maybe like in the past, I would have been like, I'm not doing it perfectly if I'm not sitting like a yogi at a silent retreat or like, you know, with a cape.
Do they wear capes?
No one wears a cape Robin.
I just did my head out of cape, but it's like I had to redefine what that meant for me, like to what works for me.
Because that's the importance not doing it proper, like correct, or my idea of correct.
Yes. Yes, Robin, everything you just said and everything Samantha, everything that you said, I feel like we're an ongoing work in progress.
And I think that when we approach our practice and everything that we do in life from the perspective of non -attachment and non -judgment and full compassion, I think navigating this world will be a little bit easier to do.
Yeah. And if nothing else, Bernardo, I think you've heard you are not alone.
So we're all here with you and thank you so much for that short, but very, very powerful and impactful question.
Ooh. All right, you two.
I mean, this was lovely.
There was some great advice, some awareness for Movember and men's health.
I mean, two birds, one very powerful stone.
We're doing it all.
Yes. And if I could recommend a practice that kept coming up for me during all of these questions and the conversations we were having, especially with the last one, there's a great meditation practice guided by my dear friend, Eve on the app.
It is staying in the present.
It's a meditation. You can do seven minutes or 20 minutes.
And I highly recommend for everybody that was on today and everybody listening.
Oh, I love that. And to accompany the meditations, I'm just not sure if everyone's aware, but Headspace is now offering mental health coaching in the Headspace app.
It's so easy to sign up for in the app and then they're going to connect you right away with the train expert.
I mean, you're going to be assigned your very own Samantha, maybe not exactly Samantha, but someone just as fabulous, almost as fabulous.
And they'll work with you to plan and reach whatever your unique goals are.
It's live one -on -one care and support from anywhere, anytime.
It's such a great option for support.
And if you would like a little support from your pals here at Dear Headspace, send us your question.
Go to sayhi .chat slash Dear Headspace, follow the prompts to record.
And as always, that link is in the show notes.
And if we do use your question on Dear Headspace, you're going to get three months of Headspace for free.
Yes. A great deal. We all love a good deal.
This one is one of those.
So, okay, now it's one of my favorite parts on this show.
We've built in a moment for you to reflect on the big topics we discussed today, or it's just a time to pause right before moving on to the next thing in your day.
So, here are the peaceful sounds of water flowing at Virgin River.
As you listen, let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and be kind to each other.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. And Colleen Lutz.
