Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbinspodcast.
Yeah, I'm going to start by admitting something toyou.
I'm not really proud ofthis, but I think you're going to relate toit.
Thismorning, I went down a little bit of a rabbit hole and it just was kind of one of these moments that wasn't that big of adeal, but it kind of cameone, youknow.
Youknow, I just started off like any othermorning.
I had my coffee and I pick up my phone and sonaturally, ofcourse, I hop on socialmedia.
And it seemed like every single post in my feed was of people having an amazingtime.
They were like at reunions and weddings and birthday parties and concerts and Bachelorette weekends and dinners out and girlsweekends.
And I just started to feel like does everybody have plans withme?
I know my daughters complain a lot about this and I also knowthat, youknow, it's not justwomen.
It's guys too that feellike,oh, wait aminute, is everybody else gettingtogether?
And I'm the one that is leftout.
And you've probably had this sameexperience,right?
Where you're sittingthere, you're scrolling on Instagram and you feellike, oh myGod, I don't feel like I have any friendsanymore.
Am I the only one in the planet who doesn't have plans to do something cool thisweekend?
What theheck? And before I went anyfurther, I knew that I needed to get up here above my garage and get on the microphone and talk to you about this because I know I'm not the onlyone.
And this is atopic, adultfriendship, that everybody is thinking about and talking about from making new friends to how do you stay connected to your old ones to the thing that's reallyhard.
What do you do when your friendships start to fade and you feel like you have nofriendships?
And this is something I've been wanting to talk about because I need you to know I am shoulder to shoulder with you rightnow, feeling a littlelonely, feeling a little bit like aloser, feeling a little left out andwondering, where did all my friendsgo?
Hey, it's your friend Mel and I am so glad that you are here with metoday.
It's always such an honor to spend time together and I like to start by acknowledging you for choosing to listen to something that could help you create a betterlife.
I just think that is so cool that you're taking time foryourself.
And if you're a newlistener, welcome to the Mel Robbins podcastfamily.
Today you and I are going to talk about the topic of adult friendship and particularly why is it sohard?
And I was just confessing to you that I engaged this morning in a form of self-torture that Icall, look at Instagram and convince yourself that you're the only loser on the planet that has noplans, never seen tofriends, always on the outside lookingin, and I know you've beenthere.
Right? You've seen a photo of someone that you know and you think toyourself, oh mygosh, they look sofantastic.
They're so happy and you smile and you think toyourself,oh, I just love thatperson.
And then you make that fatalmistake.
You take your little finger and you start to swipe through the carousel of the photos of your friend's post and yourealize, oh mygosh, they just went out with this huge group ofpeople.
They had the night of theirlives, they'redancing, they'redrinking, they're out todinner, they'relaughing, they're dressedup.
And then yourealize, I know every personthere.
And I was itincluded. And in thosemoments, as you sit on the couch and your back melds to it and you become astalker, now you're checking everybody else's account that was at the thing last night and you're seeing how big of a fun night this was and you'rerealizing, I'm on theoutside, I thought it was on theinside.
It's like there's only twooptions.
Optionone, you immediately hate all these people and you make them wrong and you get this huge story in your mind about them excludingyou.
Or optiontwo, you aim all of that insecurity and loneliness right back at yourself and you make yourself feelbad.
And I'm here to tell you that there is another option that there is the option to wake up and take responsibility for your social life and for your adultfriendships.
And you don't need to make yourselfwrong.
Here's what you need toknow.
When you're anadult, friendship is no longer a groupsport.
And you cannot sit around waiting for everybody else to make plans foryou.
And I personally have made this huge mistake where I've spent way too much time looking at what everybody else isdoing, hoping that I would be remembered andincluded.
Instead of looking in the mirror and figuring out how am I going to get out of my ownway.
And what I've come to realize is that there are five lies that I have kept telling myself over and over and overagain.
And these five lies keep me from taking the steps that actually create the friendships that you and Ideserve.
And you knowwhat? I guaranteeyou, you are telling yourself these same five lies and that is going to endtoday.
No more sitting on thecouch.
No more stalking people onInstagram.
No more telling yourself stupid stories that everybody hates you because theydon't.
And no more telling yourself that you're not in the group that that that that that because theselies, they are keeping you from seeing the biggest truth ofall.
You needfriendship. You deservefriendship.
And you deserve to havefun.
And you can create that if you wantto.
So canI. But there are a few changes that you have tomake.
And there's a few lies that you need toface.
And today I'm going to share the five things that I had toface.
And before we jump into thesethings, I have one more thing that I want to remind youof.
While you're sitting there on the couch feeling sorry foryourself.
You're forgetting that you are also the friend that someone else needs rightnow.
But you've been so busy convincing yourself that every adult that you know is having the time of theirlives.
And you're not now doing the simple things that will help you not only start having the time of yourlife, but also meet the people that you're supposed tomeet.
And that brings me to a huge takeaway that I know you've heard me saybefore, but I want to starthere.
It is so important that I'm going to say thisagain.
Some of the most amazing people that you will meet in yourlifetime.
I'm talking about your favoritepeople.
You haven't even metyet.
Now they may not be sitting on the couch with you rightnow, but they are waiting waiting for you on the roadahead.
Don't you just love thatidea?
I want you to really feelit.
Some of your most favorite people that you're going to meet in yourlifetime.
You haven't metyet. How exciting isthat?
Imean, instead of thinking about your social life as some giant thing that you've been left outof.
I want you to think about it as an opportunity that it is something that is yours to just reach outfor.
And all you need to do is to getstarted.
So if you're feelingexcited,good.
Because that's where these five lies comein.
So let's get into it because I am right here shoulder to shoulder with you in this samestruggle.
Okay, I thought my life would be aparty.
There would be barbecues everyweekend.
We'd be going on cruises and bike trips withfriends.
I'd have all kinds of downtime to hang out with mybuddies.
What the hell hashappened?
It's like the I feel like the older Iget, the more boring Iget.
This is how I would describe adult friendship at least for MelRobbins.
And I'm sure you can relate tothis.
Adult friendship is literally bumping into people randomly and beinglike, oh mygod, it's so great to seeyou.
We should gettogether.
And then six months goby.
And I know we kind of relate to that and we can laugh atit.
But here's the thing I keep remindingmyself.
And I want to put this pin in it too foryou.
Youready? Your friends and you actually mean it when you say we should gettogether.
But there's something that's standing in the way of us actually doingit.
And I'm going to tell you what itis.
It sees five damnlies.Okay, these lies that keep you feeling lonely andisolated.
These lies that make you feel that adult friendship ishard.
And these lies also make you and keep youlonely.
And you're not the only one that feels thisway.
And there are simple things that both you and I can do that we don't feel like doing that will fix this problem in ourlife.
And it is a problem because friendship is so important and having fun isimportant.
And you deserve to feel connected to cool people and you are a cool person and so amI.
And so I'm going to make sure after we unpack theselies, you have three simple tools to turn this puppyaround.
Okay, because that's what I want foryou.
And it is certainly what I want formyself.
So lie numberone. Lie number one that you're tellingyourself.
Everybody's life is a hugeparty.
Yet that is suchbullshit.
Okay, we have all gotten sucked into the fake life on socialmedia.
Everybody's life is not a hugeparty.
Even if you live in a sorority orfraternity, you may belonely.
You may not like the people that you're surroundedby.
And so stop telling yourself this lie that everybody else's life looks like a hugeparty.
And here's why you need to stop telling yourself thislie.
It's so damaging because when you sit there and you compare where you're at to people's fake lives on socialmedia, you are comparing yourself to something that's nottrue.
And you are invalidating your own lifeexperience.
And let me just stop and let's role playhere.
How is sitting on your couch scrolling through socialmedia?
Oh, they're going on vacationtogether.
Oh, look at that nice biketrip.
Oh, those people acted together for a bachelor atparty.
Oh, everybody's life is aparty, butmine.
How does that make youfeel?
Does that make you feel excited to text the friends that youhave?
Probablynot. What does itdo?
It puts you in a mental deathspiral.
It makes you feel like aloser.
It makes you feel leftout.
And yet you probably spend an hour a day on social media just staring into the lives of strangers and convincing yourself that everybody's life is a party except foryours.
No one's life is margaritas in avisa.
That may be what influencersdo, but that's not what normal peopledo.
And the reason why you have to stop telling yourself this lie is because you will never feel motivated to make theeffort.
And you will never feel worthy of the kind of friendships you deserve if you are constantly swimming in the toilet ofcomparison.
So what is thetruth? Truth numberone.
If you want your life to be aparty, createit.
That's truth numberone.
I'm guilty of thistoo. I'mguilty.
I always know when I'm coaching myself because Igo, that's numberone.
I always raise my voice because I'm also trying to get you tolisten.
But I'm alsolike,hey,Mal, stop looking at everybody else andsaying, there's theparty.
Why am I not invited and look in themirror?
If you actually want that foryourself, createit.
I remember there was a period in my life where my business was really taking off and I was on the road all thetime.
And I started to realize I wasn't seeing myfriends.
Where did all my friendsgo?
And I started to swim in the toilet ofcomparison.
I would get home at the end of the week from work and I would look on social media and I would see people out at the country club that we didn't belong to postingphotos.
And I would see groups of people getting together because their sons were on the same soccerteam.
We all dothis. Maybe it's for you seeing people out at a bar tonight and you're not there or somebody else's sorority looks way cooler thanyours.
Or your friend is in this two year program at a new job and they are always out with their workfriends.
And it looks sofun. We all dothis.
And for mepersonally, I started to convince myself that everyone else's life was a big party and I wasn'tinvited.
And this is why this lie is sodamaging.
You tell yourself you're not invited to the party and you start to feel like a loser that nobodylikes.
And I felt that way for a couple ofyears.
And finally one day I said to Chrislike, we just don't get invited anywhere and Chris turned tome.
It's sointeresting. Hesaid, when's the last time we invited anybodyover?
Mikedrop. Thankyou, ChrisRobin.
If you want your life to be aparty, start throwing them and stop telling yourself the lie that the party is somewhere else and you haven't beeninvited.
Create yourown. So that's truth numberone.
Okay. Truth number two isthis.
If you're swimming in that toilet of comparison and you're telling yourself everybody's life is a party butmine.
And you feel like aloser.
I want to tell yousomething.
You don't need a lot offriends.
This is a huge myth that I think that modern life has slammed in our face thanks to social media because now we're aware of what everybody else isdoing.
The truthis, and this is based onresearch, you don't need a huge group offriends.
If you have what researchers call a 4amfriend, what is a 4amfriend?
A 4am friend is somebody in your life that if you call them at 4 o'clock in the morning just because you wanted somebody to talkto, they would pickup.
I want you to stop and think for aminute.
Let's say that you wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning and there's nothing reallywrong.
It's not like you have an emergency because I think inemergencies, there's lots of people you cancall.
But let's just say it's 4 o'clock in the morning and you wakeup, can't go back tosleep, you're feeling kind oflonely.
You just want somebody to talkto.
Who would youcall? Forme, Iknow, I would call JodyBirken.
She's my best friend from elementaryschool.
She has troublesleeping.
She's probably awakeanyway.
Hi,Jodes. And she would pickup.
I would callAmy. Amy is sitting right across from me rightnow.
I would callAmy. I can think of a couplepeople.
I would call GretchenLarkin.
I would call LisaSchwart.
There are a bunch of people in my life I couldcall.
So I'm doingokay. If there was one human being that popped into your mind that you could call it 4 o'clock in themorning, you are doingokay.
And I also have a confession to tell you as much as I am jealous of what looks like hugeparties.
As much as I am the kind of person that thinks she wants to always be at a hugeparty.
The truthis, I'm very extroverted in mywork, but I'm really introverted in my personallife.
It's okay if you're not the big girl gang or guy gang type ofperson.
There's nothing wrong withyou.
If you just prefer to run in a smallcircle.
Now, I think my circle has gotten so small it's basically become adot, but we're going to get into that when we get into some of the otherlies.
But I need to say that loud andclear.
It is okay to not have a huge friendgroup.
Period. Like there's nothing wrong withyou.
And infact, the research shows that just having a couple super closefriends, just one 4a.m.
friend means you're doing reallygood, reallygood.
And you can do the work to start building more friendships fromthere.
So let's go to line numbertwo.
Line number two that you're tellingyourself, because this is what I tellmyself.
It sounds likethis. I don't fitin.
Or maybe you say thisyourself.
People don't likeme. That'sme.
You want to know what is going on in the Mel Robbins headhere?
It's people don't likeme.
Or another way I would saythis, you're mad atme.
I just presume I've done somethingwrong.
That's how screwed up my wiringis.
I'm working on this as youknow.
And so I'm going to continue confessing how this plays out in mylife.
Because I know you look at me and you'relike, you think people don't likeyou?
But you are like the most confident person on theplanet.
Like, Idon't, what do youmean?
What I project is very different than what the voice in my head is programmed tosay.
And that's why it's alie.
My voice in my head tells me alie.
And the voice in your head is telling you a lietoo.
Here's how this plays out forme.
I am the kind of person that is always trying to read people'semotions.
I wonder if people are upset withme.
Infact, I don't even wonder if people are upset withme.
I just presume that theyare.
I'm the type of person that would put emojis behind any kind of text if I feel like that might be taken in the wrong way or might hurtsomebody.
And here's what I'm learning from the Mel Robbins podcast as we interview these experts and as I dig into your stories and DMs with you is that this is complete TomFoulery.
It's nottrue. This is garbage from mychildhood.
Clearly, I've got coping mechanisms and wiring that I developed when I was little that I don't want anymore as anadult.
And so why is this lie sodamaging?
People don't likeme.Well, let's roleplay thisone.
If you're sitting at your house or in your car or scrolling on social media and you're telling yourself thelie, I don't fitin.
People don't likeme. On a scale of zero toten, how motivated are you to put yourself outthere?
How about negative27? That's how motivated youare.
You are not only notmotivated, you are more likely tohide.
Because if youbelieve, because of this lie you've been telling yourself that people don't likeyou, why on earth would you put yourself outthere?
This is why I need to shake both of us by theshoulders.
This is why we got to start reaching for thetruth.
This is why we've got to combat this awful programming that tells us the lie that people don't likeyou.
It's nottrue. And I'm not just saying that because I likeyou.
I'm not just saying that because I know you're a goodperson.
I'm saying it because there is research aroundthis.
It's called the likinggap.
And thisresearch, hold on to your hatspeople.
This comes from psychologists at Cornell HarvardYale.
So we're talking smarty pants researchhere.
This means we got to believeit,okay?
What is the likinggap? It's thislie.
It's the tendency to underestimate how well liked youwere.
Like you reallyare.See, you feel awkward about reachingout.
And so doI. Do to this likinggap.
We don't reach out because we don't think people likeus.
We're underestimating thetruth.
What's thetruth? People likeyou.
Period. Nobody's mad atyou.
Period. Stop living your life as if somebody's mad atyou.
How about we flip thisinstead?
How about you start living your life assuming that people likeyou?
What a radicalidea. What a radical idea to walk into work and say to yourself people like mehere.
What a radical idea to walk into a party this weekend or to a networking event and go people like mehere.
Imean, that is a revolutionaryidea.
I want you to stop and truly hear what I'm saying toyou.
You have spent your entire life trying to get people to likeyou.
Feelthat. Itsucks. And when you realize you do believethis, that you have to get people to likeyou, or you have to act a certainway, or be a certain type of person that's different than who you reallyare.
You know what you'redoing?
You're rejectingyourself.
Starting right nowtoday.
Let's make a promise to eachother.
Assume people likeyou.
Assume that just the way you are isperfect.
And see what happens when you flip thismindset.
What do you have tolose?
Youknow, I'm going to tell yousomething.
I struggle withthis. I struggle with it alot.
This is a big one for me and I'm really working on it in mylife.
Assuming people likeme.
And I'm telling youthis.
And I really want you to absorb what I'm trying to say toyou.
Because I want us both to work onit.
We're all sitting there swirling in this toilet ofcomparison.
And assuming that people don't likeus.
And it's nottrue. So let's leverage the research from Cornell and Harvard andYale.
And let's be smarter aboutthis.
Let's not let our emotions and our insecurities from childhood ruin the potential of amazing adultfriendships.
Because when you tell yourself thatlie, now you know it's destroying your desire to reachout.
And here is thetruth. You need to live by and I need to liveby.
People like you more than youthink.
So you better start acting likeit.
And if you think these first two lies aredooses.
Well, way to youhere, line numberthree.
Butfirst, let's hear a quick word from our sponsors who allow me to bring this to you at zerocost.
And while we take a quickbreak, why don't you take the first step toward creating the friendships that you deserve and the social life that youwant.
Share this episode with a friend that you've been wanting to reach outto.
Or they even thinking about why you've been listening tothis.
Sometimes that's all ittakes.
You'llsee. So share the episode and don't go anywhere because your friend Mel Robbins will be waiting for you after a shortbreak.
Stay withme. Welcomeback.
I'm Mel Robbins and you and I just covered the first two lies that you're telling yourself that make adult friendship so danghard.
Stopit.Okay. Let's move on to lie numberthree.
BFF. Remember that from middle school orBFFs.
BFFs.BFFs. BFFs forlife.
Let's get the matching necklaces of the heart that is like kind of broken in half and you'll wear one and all wear theother.
Here's the reason why best friends forever is alie.
Best friends aren't alwaysforever.
Friends come and go in your life even your bestfriends.
Friendships.Fate. They fizzleout.
And I've even experienced that over time sometimes that best friend that faded or fizzled out because life just doesthat.
It's a natural part oflife.
Sometimes you find your way back into each other's livesagain.
Now the reason why I believe this best friends forever is a lie is because it puts pressure onyou.
It puts pressure on you to label a friendship and it puts pressure on you to hang on to things just because you've spent a lot of time withsomebody.
And when you hold on to friendships that no longer feel like a great connection or feel energizing or support who you'rebecoming.
You know what happens when you are friends out ofobligation?
You start to feelresentment.
And the other reason why it is so important to stop telling yourself you gotta be bestfriends.
You gotta be best friendsforever.
Best friendsforever.Oh, doesit?
Is because that pressure that you're putting on yourself to hold on to things that don't feel rightanymore.
That's the reason why you don't have room for new people to come into yourlife.
Andlook, if you've been best friends forever and it's working foryou, that is freakingawesome.
I'm talking about the lie we tell ourselves that if you don't have a best friendforever, somehow you'redamaged.
If you don't have that lifelong childhoodfriend, somehow you're anidiot.
That if you don't have best friends and you walk around in a squad and you've got Halloween costumes where you're allmatching, you've screwed up yourlife.
It puts pressure on you that is completely manufactured and it's totallyunnecessary.
So what's thetruth? The truth is you may not always be friends with somebodyforever.
And that'sgood. That's good because you want friendships in your life that support yourgrowth.
You want friendships in your life that have a mutual exchange ofenergy.
And you need to pay the pressure offyourself.
And you gotta expand the way that you think aboutfriendship.
Because when you look atBFF, not as best friendsforever, but best friends areflexible.
It creates room forgrowth.
It creates room for the kinds of friendships that come in and out of your life based on what you need and what you cangive.
Isn't that soundnice? I think it sounds reallynice.
So here's kind of a new way to think aboutfriendship.
It'sflexible. Because friendship ismutual.
It'ssupportive. It's a connection that is based onenergy.
It's based on what your passion is rightnow.
It's based on what your goals are rightnow.
It's based on the effort that you're puttingin.
And it's not necessarily based onhistory.
You've experiencedthis.
There could be somebody that will walk into your life nextweek.
And it's literally like you knew themforever.
They were the exact person with the exact energy and vibe that you need rightnow.
And that doesn't mean that you're no longer friends with the people that you've been friends with for a longtime.
It just means that if best friends areflexible, it means that they come in and out of your life in terms ofintensity.
And so if you're flexible aboutfriendship, you take the pressureoff.
And you know that just because you don't see people all the time doesn't mean you're no longerfriends.
It's going to take a little bit ofeffort.
Being flexible about friendship is super important because here's the truth aboutfriendship.
Friendships fade because when your prioritieschange, so are yourfriendships.
Like, and I can give you a bazillion different examples ofthis.
Let's say that you're the first of all your friends to getmarried.
You'll start to notice that you start hanging out with other couplesmore.
Why? Because the pattern of your lifechanged.
If you're flexible withfriendship, you don't put pressure onyourself.
You don't like start togo,oh, are we stillfriends?
Are we notfriends? You just know that it's going to require a little bit more energy because the patterns of your life haschanged.
If you start to see the worlddifferently, maybe because you're now of vegetarian or you've stopped drinking or you've gotten very active with social justice or you are really committed to yourhealth.
The patterns of your life justchanged.
And your friendships will alsochange.
And that's why you need to be flexible in your friendships becauseagain, what is the purpose of yourfriends?
It's literally for thismutual, supportive exchange of energy that helps you become a betteryou.
Another reason why is that as you start togrow, everything about yourchanges.
And things are going to start to feel forced or draining because they were connected to the oldyou.
So when you realize that a relationship is gettingforced,right, or that it's draining you or it's taking way too muchenergy, beflexible.
And by theway, you've been that person for somebodyelse.
As somebody else has been trying to grow or is their interests have changed or as the patterns in theirlife, they got a differentjob, they move to a differentstate.
Doesn't mean you're no longerfriends.
It just means it's not as close of a friend anymore because the connections a little off theenergy.
That'sokay. You're allowed togrow.
You're allowed to move on and instead of making yourselfwrong, instead of feelingguilty, instead of gripping it or forcingit, beflexible.
Just direct your energy in a newrelationship.
Move toward the people that feel like thelight, that feelenergizing, that feel like they're aligned with where you'reheaded, instead of holding so tightly to the folks that were with you in places where you'vebeen.
It's allgood. It's allgood.
And by theway, when you dothat, you create space for somethingnew.
It's a beautifulthing.
Line number four is reallysimple.
You do not need to be everybody'sfriend.
You can't be everybody'sfriend.
The truth is not everybody is meant to be yourfriend.
And the second that it feels like aforce, beflexible.
Okay. Here's one of the things that I love to think about is that you can be the wholepackage.
But if you're delivered to the wrongaddress, not going towork.
Another quote that I've seen that I just love is you could be the mostamazing, juicy end of summer ripepeach.
But if you don't likebeaches, you're not going to be a fit for thatperson.
Doesn't matter how good youare.
Remember,flexibility.
I want you to understand this because when you tellyourself,oh, I got to be liked byeverybody.
Everybody's got to likeme.
I got to be everybody'sfriend.
That lie turns you intopeople,please.
That lie is why you are in your headgoing.
Do they likeme? How do I need tochange?
I know I'm a peach and they don't likepeaches.
But maybe if I disguise myself as aplum, they'll actually likeme.
Stop doingthat. Embrace the fact that you're apeach.
Embrace your wholepackage.
And stop forcing yourself to be liked byeverybody.
There's nothing wrong withyou.
The more you embrace who youare, the more you are honest about what works foryou, the more you show up as your fullself.
Imaginethat. Imagine assuming that people just likeyou, that juicy peach that you are as youare.
Imagine if you'reflexible.
Imagine who might showup.
Somebody who likespeaches.
Wouldn't that be a wonderfulchange?
That's why you got to catch that because this is aboutenergy.
This is about you and where you are in your life and where you'regoing, matching with beautiful human beings that are on that same leg of the journey withyou.
That's what this isabout.
So be flexible andman, you are a juicypeach.
Embrace thatstuff. I lovepeaches, by theway.
That's why I loveyou. Lie numberfive.
Getready, you're going to hate thisone.
Because I hate thisone.
I'm toobusy. I'm tootired.
I don't want to goout. I'd rather to stayhome.
I have socialanxiety. I'm anintrovert.
Yes, I've said all these things to myselftoo.
Here's thetruth. Friends are critical to a happylife.
Friends are the thing that make lifemeaningful.
You deserve amazingfriendships.
And you deserve to be an amazingfriend.
I have felt really frickinglonely.
And I'm okay beingalone.
I've got no problem walking into a restaurantalone, rolling up to thebar, sitting at thebar, and having dinner bymyself.
Infact, I kind of like doingthat.
I have no problem going to see a moviealone.
There's a big difference between enjoying time by yourself and being lonely because you don't have friendship in yourlife.
And you don't feel a sense of connection orcommunity.
And for a really longtime, that wasme.
And the lie I was telling myself is I was toobusy.
I became addicted to busyness as a way to cover up the fact that I was reallylonely.
My friends wereworking, our kids are alllaunched.
Everybody's scattered in a bazilliondirections.
I felt like I wasn't seeing myfriends.
And guesswhat? My friends felt the sameway.
Nobody's life was a bigparty.
Everybody is just in their cars driving here andthere, sitting athome, trying to navigate this crazy thing calledlife.
As our kids have gottenolder, at least in mycase, I find that they need memore, notless.
And so I am just like in my littletunnel.
And it turns out so areyou.
Everybody feels thisway.
It's not justyou. And here's thelie.
You're not too busy for one of the most important things in yourlife.
You're not too tired to make the effort for something that bringsmeaning.
You're not too shy or introverted or whatever to make theeffort.
It is so easy to opt out of the book clubtonight.
It is so easy to not go to that new hockey league or the Intermural Soccer thing or the lecture at the library because we've gotten used to being alone in ourhomes.
This is so dangerous to yourhappiness.
Do not let the fact that you've gotten used to being home be the reason why you don't5,4,3,2,1, push your rear end out the door and make the effort because the effort'ssmall.
So let me lay some science on you because this always pushes me over the edge when I don't feel like doingsomething.
You know what I'msaying?
So there's this dude at the University of Chicago name NicholasEpley.
He's a behavioral scientist and one day he's riding on thesubway.
He notices everyone's looking at their phone and he started to think how much more fun would the subway ride be if everybody just looked up and started talking to each othercasually?
And so he got really curious about why we all think talking to a stranger is going to be a badthing.
And what he found isthis.
We all presume that pushing yourself to go to some social setting or talking to somebody you don't know or introducing yourself to a stranger that's going to beawkward,boring,tiring, will check thisout.
Based on hisresearch, years ofresearch,folks, we are systematically mistaken about how much we enjoy beingsocial.
Infact, if we push ourselves to doit, we're kind ofsurprised.
We'redelighted. We enjoyit.
It was a great conversation with that person that was sitting next to you on the train or the plane or the busstop.
We have a ridiculously negative anti-social filter that's not mywords.
That is the behavioral scientist from the University ofChicago.
You have a ridiculously negative anti-socialfilter.
You know what thatmeans?
Your opinion about how bad it's going to be is wrong and so ismine.
That's why you got to ignoreit.
And you got a5,4,3,2,1.
Push yourself to goknowing, knowing that once you getthere, you're actually going to enjoyit.
You have to make theeffort.
Allright, I got to take a shortbreak.
But when we comeback, I got three incredible tools that I'musing, that I want you touse.
Because you andme, I know we'refriends, but I want you and I to start making more adult friends and support each other and doing ittogether.
Oh mygosh, I'm so glad you're still here with me on ourwalk.
We're two juicy peaches talking aboutfriendship.
So tool numberone, I promise threetools.
Tool number one is aframework.
There are three types offriendships.
And this helps you be really flexible in yourfriendships.
It also helps you to remind yourself of thetruth.
Okay, they're friends for areason.
They're friends for aseason.
And they're friends for alifetime.
That'sit. And if you think about people coming and going in and out of your friendship zone because they're either there for areason, or they're there for aseason, or they're there for alifetime, you now no longer aregripping.
You can beflexible. You can assume people likeyou.
You can stop holding on to the wrong people and trying to force somebody who's just there for a reason to try to be a lifetimefriend.
These people are in your life for areason.
These would be workfriends.
You see them all the time because you worktogether.
They might be the parents of other kids that are on yourkids' sportsteam, or they might be people that are on yourteam,right?
That you're playing sportswith.
They're there for areason.
They might be yourneighbors.
They're there for areason.
These are great friends tohave.
They're there for a certain period oftime.
They're there to teach yousomething.
They're there to support you on a leg of the journey calledlife.
These are awesomefriends.
But don't grip ontothem.
Be flexible withthem. Let them come in and out of yourlife.
Love themup. Enjoy them while they're there withyou.
And then at somepoint, when you no longer have that reason to have those friends in yourlife, they sort of fade a littlebit.
They're still yourfriends.
I guaranteeyou, ten yearslater, if you were good friends with yourneighbor, they would certainly help youout.
So would your friends atwork?
This is why flexible friendship is such an awesomeconcept.
Now let's talk about aseason.
So these are folks that are there typically a little bitlonger.
They're there for achapter, aseason.
So they might be the people that you met incollege.
And you werereally, really close friends duringcollege.
Maybe you're roomed together aftercollege.
But then people start peelingoff.
They start heading in differentdirections.
They maybe move away to differentcities.
Or they getmarried. I find that I had a lot of really good friends that I was friends with when I was a youngmom.
That was a really amazing season in mylife.
I will cherish that season of mylife.
I had so many close female friends because we were all doing life in the same season at the sametime.
And when that season ended and my kids went to middle school and then they scattered even further in high school and then all of a sudden the bomb drops on everything when they go off tocollege.
Like that season of my life wasover.
Infact, it had been over for a longtime.
And when the seasonchanges, be flexible because a new season isbeginning, which means a new seasons of friends are going toemerge.
And they're friends for alifetime.
Those are those 4 AM friends we talkedabout.
Andremember, you're doing pretty dynamite if you can think of that one person that you could just pick up the phone at 4 o'clock in the morning andcall.
And you know that they would pick up and just chat with you just because you wanted to talk to afriend.
So tool numberone. Use that framework to enforce thisflexibility.
Reason,season, andlifetime.
Don't force people into the wrongcategory.
Youknow, this is a bigone.
Please stop being mad at people for not being who you want them to be rightnow.
Sometimes some of the most generous and beautiful and loving things that you can do for people is to graciously let them go and let them grow and let them be who they need to be in this season of theirlives.
Now let's move on to tool numbertwo, which you are probably going tohate.
And that is you need to takeaction.
That's going to require you to step out of the comfort zone of your couch and the comfiness of a Friday night alone binge watching TV and push yourself to get out of your comfort zone and make the effort to makefriends.
And this effort part is reallyimportant.
There is this enormous study done at the University ofKansas.
It puts friendship into a timeline and hoursperspective.
Makingfriends, check thisout.
They studied howlong, how many hours it takes to make a quotefriend.
And this is fascinating that as astudent, it's very different than what it's like to make friends as anadult.
This is why it can feel hard because most of our lives we were in seasons where we were forced to be ingroups.
Like think about how you're in a group in elementary school and then you're in a group in middle school and that's how you meet your friends and then you're in a group in high school and that's how you meet your friends and then you're in a group in college and that's how you meet yourfriends.
And then all of a sudden your 20s hits andboom, everybodyscatters.
And you'relike, where the hell did my friendsgo?
This isnormal. And this University of Kansas study explainsthis.
So if you're in college and you're like swimming in the sea with all these people doing the same thing at the sametime, it takes you about 43 hours to become an acquaintance withsomebody.
Now you're sitting in classtogether.
You're eating in the cafeteriatogether.
That's part of thetime.
You're hanging out in the door roomtogether.
That's part of thetime.
When you're an adult to become a casualfriend, it takes you 94hours.
Why? Because your patterns are very different when you're anadult.
You don't have as muchoverlap.
It's why you tend to become friends as an adult with people you work with because you spend more time withthem.
It's why your friends with people that you live near because you spend time withthem.
This is not just commonsense.
It'sresearched. And in order to go from just a casual friend to a really goodfriend, if you're astudent, it takes about 57hours.
Which makes sense because you're spending more timetogether.
So you're sharing more experiencestogether.
Foradults, we need about 164hours.
That's sosad. This is why it's so important for you to have this perspective and for you to understand it's going to require effort on yourpart.
And that'sokay. Knowing that everybody feels thisway, knowing that everybody's at their homes alone under the fuzzy blanket on the couch feeling like a peach that nobodylikes, swimming in the toilet ofcomparison, feeling like friendship is sohard.
Knowingthat? I hope is helping yougo,oh, well maybe I could be theone.
Maybe I could get all the peachestogether.
And we could make apie, or somejam, or somecobbler.
That's what I did thisweekend.
I'm going to tell you a quick story because I think it's reallyimportant.
So here Iam, I alwayssay, please come visitme.
I live alone on a mountain inVermont.
I'monly, but the truthis, I've met a bunch of really cool people uphere.
And every one of us say the samething.
It's amazing livinghere.
And I really want to meet somefriends.
I really want to get together withpeople.
I want to stopsaying, let's get together and not makeplans.
And so I'll tell you a quickstory.
Because all it takes is leaning toward yourcuriosity.
That's all ittakes. I walk this loop all thetime.
That's right by myhouse.
It's beautifulloop. It's about four and a halfmiles.
And I loveflowers. I know there's five lovelanguages.
I have asixth.Flowers.
Flowers.Flowers. I'm like a psycho aboutflowers.
They remind me of myparents.
I love growingthem. I love bringing them into thehouse.
I just loveflowers. And so thisyear, I've been walking this loop for 26years.
When I would visit myin-laws, before we bought theirhouse.
And now it's ourown. And all of a sudden thisyear, there was this insane flower farm that poppedup.
And by flowerfarm, I mean this patch offlowers, like anacre.
Big. And in thespring, it was this row of gorgeous double-pienny tulips and French tulips and parrottulips.
And then as those came andwent, then Renuncula cameup.
And it was this triple petal Renuncula andPienys.
And I'mlike,oh, it's like flower porn forme.
And then now there's these field ofdalleas.
Dalleas aremind-blowing.
Just gorgeousflowers.
And there was never anybodythere.
Havefor. There was nosign.
Nonothing. And I becameobsessed, youguys, with stopping by this flowerpatch.
Just drawn to it like a moth to aflame.
Oh mygod, I just lovedit.
I would like sound of music withthe, withthe, I mean the flowerpatch.
And I'm takingflowers.
And now I feel like an influencer that's 20 yearsold.
And I need a cowboy hat with a feather in it so that I can do the festival photos that everybodydoes.
And I just flower porn all daylong.
And all of a sudden I see a truck park there oneday.
And the truck thankfully had a contractor's label onit.
And lo andbehold, that same label was on a truck here at our house because we're underconstruction.
So I walked over to kindof, I'mlike,hey, do you know thisflower?
If you're going togo,yeah, I parked my carthere.
Everyone'slike, do you know who the personis?
He'slike,yeah, that's a net from a flowerfarm.
I'mlike,what? Andhe, I think she's onInstagram.
I'mlike,what? So I DMher.
Oh myGod, I've seen theflower.
Oh,yeah. And then she DMsback.
Oh mygosh,really? It's a labor oflove.
It's ahobby. Ahobby?Yeah, I work fulltime.
And I've been really worried aboutlike, how I'm going to get all the dally of bulbsout.
And I'mlike,well, I'll helpyou.
You'll helpme. And so next thing youknow, just by following theenergy, following theconnection, leaning into the season of mylife, leaning into thecuriosity.
I come to find out that she has been planting flowers in this new season of herlife.
She sells bulbsonline.
She is going through some stuffpersonally.
And I'mlike,well, I know some otherwomen.
I'll get these other women that I know to come and hang out withus.
And Iwill, I'll see if we can't make somethinghappen.
And so we get 13 women to show up at the flower field onSaturday.
I didn't know any of thesewomen.
AndI,well, I knew some ofthem.
I knew the ones that Iinvited.
And then the friends that I invited invite otherfriends.
And it was this army of new women here in Southern Vermont that showed up to help another woman dig dallyes out of a field on aSaturday.
And she and I have been texting eversince.
So I met all these newpeople.
We connected over something we're interestedin.
We now have a group chat called the Dynamite DallyedDames.
And so Annette and I aretexting.
Wait to hearthis. When we both showedup, she said toeverybody, I'm so overwhelmed because I'm so alone andintroverted, I never think anybody wouldhelp.
I have trouble asking forhelp.
And so as we'retexting, shewrites, I'm so grateful for everyone's kindness andpresence.
And the joy there was in the field thismorning.
It's been a hard and a lonely path thusfar.
Building a vision shovel byshovel.
Digging my way to a newlife.
Why relate tothat? I really relate tothat.
And thensuddenly, outcome all these fabulouswomen.
Yes, I'mvery, very happy because that morning was my highlight of myweek.
So the challenge now is leaning in again and setting a date again and moving the ball down the field because as we know from that University of Kansas study that it takes time and it takeseffort.
And we all need each other to be making theeffort.
And so the final tool that I'm going to give you is something that is so simple and so impactful and I have so many friends that now do this that I'm stealing thisfrom.
And it's verysimple. Every single day make it a habit to text afriend.
Just out of theblue. And if you want to amplifythis, take a selfievideo.
Hey, I'm just on my walk and I was thinking of you andhey, my dog sayshello.
And you not only underestimate how much people likeyou.
You underestimate how much it means to somebody when they hear fromyou.
This isn't justme. This is research that was covered in the New York Timesrecently.
About how receiving an unexpected text from a friend makes you immediately feel connected to that person and it makes the friendshipstronger.
Make it a practice every single day as you start your day to reach out to one friend with a randommessage.
Infact, I want to share one withyou.
So I love myfriend, Glow andTonimo.
And she's an incredible author and podcaster and just puts out incredible content and motivationalspeaker.
And I learned so much fromher.
And she is so great aboutthis.
I wanted to listen to this random message that popped in my phone literally a monthago.
It's her beautiful face just sending me a videomessage.
And I'm going to play it for you because I want you to listen to it as if she's sending this toyou.
Let's hear fromGlow.Now,hello.
It has been almost a month since our last videomessage.
I was reading one of my daily devotional typebooks.
And I thought ofthis. I'mlike, who can I send thisto?
And you came to myheart.
So I'm going to read it outloud.
You arehuman. You will makemistakes.
Hopefully you'll make a whole lot of them because that means you aretrying.
And trying means you are fullyalive.
It also makes life a hell of a lot moreinteresting.
So here's to making moremistakes.
Here's toliving. And here's to appreciating the ebbs and flow oflife.
Youknow, it's hard for us to maintainequilibrium.
Like we try to go through life chasing and seeking comfort and just stay happy and stayingpositive.
But sometimes in thosemoments, in thoseseasons, in those valleys of depression orsadness, youknow, we're meant to get something fromthat.
And then when you come out ofit, it's like we have so much moreappreciation.
So no need torespond. Just want to sublice you with thismessage.
Think of you setting you loveI-5.
I just loveglow. Doesn't it make you feel good listening to hervoice?
And she shared an incredible message that I want you to take toheart.
Let's make life a hell of a lot moreinteresting.
Let's make it richer andbetter.
Let's stop believing the lies and get to thetruth.
Friends make your life richer and happier and you make your friends life happiertoo.
And here's what I want to tell you as yourfriend.
I want to tell you that I loveyou.
I believe inyou. And I believe in your ability to stop telling yourself these lies and to really embrace thetruth.
And the truth is you deserve amazingfriendships.
You need amazingfriendships.
And you are that amazing friend that somebody who is going through a very lonely season digging their way to a newlife.
They need you desperately rightnow.
So5-4-3-2-1. As soon as you and I are donehere, I want you to text a friend ofyours.
Heck, level itup. Send a video like glow sent a video tome.
And let's level it upagain.
Let's swing for the fence on thisone.
Send your friend a link to thisepisode.
Because the more that we get everyone reaching out and the more that we can create this rippleeffect, the more we are helping people get the things that they deserve and find the courage to take the actions that create the life that they want and make it areality.
And so thankyou. Thank you for being a friend ofmine.
I just love you and I love ourfriendship.
Allright, that's what Igot.
I loveyou. I'll see you in a fewdays.
I definitely need somewater.
I've got something in mythroat.
I don't wantto,um,whoa, here comes frogvoice.
This isBFF. Best friends have a frogvoice.
Oh,gotcha.Okay, I've got thatline.
Welcomeback. It's your friendMel.
And hold on asecond.No, Imean, I'msorry.
Ialways, I literally give the exact oppositecue.
Sorry,guys.Oh, wedid.
Okay.Okay.Okay.Okay.
Okay.No, it'sokay. It'sokay.
Okay,great,great,great.
Okay,great,great.Okay,great,great.
Gotit.Okay.Okay.Wow,guys.
Oh, and one morething. I know this is not ablooper.
This is the legallanguage.
You know what the lawyers write and what I need to read toyou.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainmentpurposes.
I'm just yourfriend. I am not a licensed therapist and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of aphysician, professionalcoach,psychotherapist, or other qualifiedprofessional.
Gotit?Good. I'll see you in the nextepisode.
