Long-term love isn't built in highlight reels.
It's built in the quiet moments.
Because life is about how you both feel on a Tuesday evening.
Life is about how you feel on a Monday morning before work.
Life is about how you feel coming home to that person on a Friday night.
Life isn't about the vacations.
It isn't about the once a year trips.
It isn't about the wedding day.
That's 1% of the experience with this person.
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty.
Jay Shetty.
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
I'm Jay Shetty and I am so grateful and so thankful that you've tuned back in.
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Today, I want to talk about something really important.
It's everything I wish I knew about love in my 20s.
Now, whether you're in your 20s, your 30s, your 40s, your 50s, all of these messages still apply, and I want you to take them in, because what I find is that love is what we all want in life, but it's also the most misunderstood.
It's one of those areas of our life that we all crave, chase and need, but don't really define and understand deeply.
And when I look at my life, I look at how so much of my life around love was defined by what I saw in the movies, the media and how it was presented to me.
The romantic comedies that we watched growing up.
The novels, the books, the stories, the music videos they all defined, they planted seeds into our beliefs and expectations about love.
When you watch The Notebook, you see these two people fall in love.
But then, when you actually look at it closely, you see a character hanging off a Ferris wheel telling the girl he will let go if she doesn't say yes.
Extremely unhealthy, right?
Very, very unhealthy.
And then when you start to look at a lot of these movies a lot more deeply, you start to see so many unhealthy ideas about love.
It's remarkable to me that at the time we just ignored them.
Even if you look at movies of Sleeping Beauty, cartoons, where the prince had to come and save the Sleeping Beauty, right?
The idea of being saved, the idea of this knight in shining armor.
It's no wonder that we're waiting for that person to come through the door and sweep us off our feet.
And then, of course, every movie ended with Happily Ever After.
It really got into the reality of the fight about washing the dishes or the money problems that appear, or the fact that the kids are now going to school and how do we want to raise them.
All of that was missed in all the movies because it ended with a shot of a car driving off into the sunset and feeling like that was the end and everything was perfect.
So we've been sold lies about love from dating to moving in, to getting married, because the marriage was the end of the movie, when in reality, moving in and getting married is the beginning of your life together.
So it's fascinating to me that we missed so many ideas and therefore I had to make this video about everything I wish I knew about love earlier, because it would have made my relationships better.
It would have made me feel less hurt in my life.
And it would have made me expect differently of the people that I was with.
The first one is this.
Chemistry isn't compatibility.
Here's the principle.
All of us today over-index on the value of chemistry.
We believe that, if we feel chemistry, this is our person.
This is the one we're meant to spend the rest of our lives with, and this is what love is all about.
Some of us will miss out on incredible partners because we didn't feel chemistry on date one, and some of us will stay with people that we have amazing chemistry with, even though we don't have anything else.
How many of you have stayed in a relationship where the sex was amazing, even if you didn't connect on a deeper level?
I'm sure there's many of you.
How many of you stayed in a relationship where you had lots of chemistry, even though you secretly worried and were anxious that that person was cheating on you or there were other red flags?
Chemistry makes you ignore the things that actually make a relationship healthy.
And we miss out on people who would be amazing partners for us because we didn't feel chemistry in the beginning.
When your heart races around someone, it's easy to assume it's meant to be.
But research shows we often confuse excitement, anxiety, or even danger for attraction.
That spark, sometimes it's adrenaline.
So here's the takeaway.
Feeling drawn to someone doesn't mean they're right for you.
It means your nervous system is activated.
Next time you feel the spark, pause and ask yourself, do I feel safe or just stimulated?
I read a study that talked about how, when we first are attracted to someone, we experience two things.
Stress and excitement.
That's actually what we experience to be chemistry.
So we have the stress of, do they like me?
But we have the excitement of, I think I like them.
We have the stress of, will I get their number?
And then we have the excitement of, I just got their number.
And then we have the stress of, well, what do I message them?
And then we have the excitement of, they just messaged me back.
And then we have the stress of, will they message me first?
Will they ask me out?
But then we have the excitement of, we're going out on a date.
And this stress and excitement is what creates chemistry and this spark.
But here's what happens over time.
The stress goes down.
When you spend more time with someone, you know they're going to text you.
You know they're going to show up on time.
You've now gone exclusive.
You moved in together.
So now the stress goes down so the excitement doesn't feel as high.
We now confuse that lack of stress as boredom when actually it's peace.
That's what your nervous system was looking for anyway.
But we confuse inconsistency with excitement and stability with boredom.
We think if things have become peaceful, we lost the spark.
No, you didn't.
You lost the stress.
You weren't stressed out anymore.
Are they gonna text?
Are they gonna show up?
Do they like me?
They do text.
They do show up.
They do like me.
Don't confuse a lack of stress as a lack of spark.
A good relationship is where you feel safe and stimulated.
It's when you feel seen and excited.
A healthy relationship is one where you feel heard without having to shout.
It's one where you feel loved without having to shrink.
It's one where you feel respected in silence not just praised in public.
It's one where you feel desired for who you are, not just what you offer.
It's a relationship where you feel pushed to grow, never pressured to perform.
A place where peace isn't boring and passion isn't toxic.
Because real love doesn't choose between calm and chemistry.
It gives you both.
A lot of the times we create drama in relationships because we're so used to it.
We create problems because we're so used to them.
We're not good at peace because we've never seen that before.
And I wish I knew that in my 20s.
I actually wish I knew that in my teens, because I probably allowed for too much drama or added to it because I believe that was excitement.
We believe that stress is excitement.
And you may say, no, Jay, I don't want stress in a relationship.
I don't want drama.
Well, think about it.
How much do you allow to happen to you?
How much do you create yourself?
So many of us will spend years of our life allowing people to bring drama and trauma into our lives instead of peace, because we're more used to it.
Stop doing that.
Step number two.
Love without boundaries is self-abandonment.
In your 20s it's easy to lose yourself in love, but healthy attachment requires a strong sense of self.
Without boundaries, love turns into people pleasing and self-abandonment.
You can't build a we until you protect yourself.
Write a list of three emotional non-negotiables in relationships.
Things you won't bend on or leave behind no matter who they are.
How many of you know someone, a friend, a family member, maybe even yourself, who completely alienates and forgets about their friends when they're in a relationship?
Right?
You completely ignore everyone.
You never message back.
You don't go out anymore.
You've found your person.
And all of a sudden, when that person breaks up with you, you now realize you feel alone.
You don't have any friends.
How many of you give up all your hobbies, all your interests?
You stop working out.
You stop going to the places you loved hanging out because you have that person.
Don't make that person your identity.
Don't make that person your everything.
Don't make that person your only thing.
Because if you leave them or they leave you, you'll feel like you are nothing.
You'll feel like you don't have any value and don't know what your life's about.
Boundaries bring the right people close. and push the wrong ones out.
They don't scare away love.
They filter out the noise.
They don't create distance.
They reveal who's willing to meet you with respect.
The people who leave when you set boundaries were never here for you, just your access.
The right ones don't get offended.
They get it.
Boundaries don't block love, they protect it.
I wish I knew about boundaries a lot earlier, because boundaries will protect you from causing harm to yourselves.
If you set boundaries about what you're not willing to tolerate, you won't stick around when people don't respect them.
If you set boundaries that protect what you value, You won't stick around when people don't change their behavior.
Too many of us accept, tolerate and allow giving the other person space to behave with us wrongly, because we never set a boundary.
I'm sure many of you have been hurt, taken advantage of, screwed over.
And when you look back, you realize that that person was always showing you who they were, but you kept allowing them to be that way.
It wasn't your fault, but you allowed it to continue.
And that's what we want to stop.
That's what boundaries do.
Step number three, how they handle boredom tells you everything.
We overestimate how happy certain moments will make us.
Dates, anniversaries, weddings, or big trips.
But what actually predicts long-term connection How you feel on an ordinary Tuesday night together.
Long-term love isn't built in highlight reels.
It's built in the quiet moments.
Ask yourself, would I still want to be around this person if nothing exciting ever happened again?
Because life is about how you both feel on a Tuesday evening.
Life is about how you feel on a Monday morning before work.
Life is about how you feel coming home to that person on a Friday night.
Life isn't about the vacations.
It isn't about the once a year trips.
It isn't about the wedding day.
That's 1% of the experience with this person.
You want to make sure that you have something that is good when there's nothing else exciting going on.
An exciting life will cover the cracks of a bad relationship.
A good relationship will make the exciting moments even better.
The exciting moments will feel enhanced.
The trips will feel like an amazing rush, but it has to be good without all of that.
Something I wish I learned earlier.
I always felt like I needed grand gestures, big dates, exciting moments to make something exciting.
And then I realized just a great conversation, feeling the calmness and the peace in my nervous system when I came home.
I feel that every time I see Radhi, even today.
We both travel a lot for work.
We both do a lot of exciting things for our work.
But one of our favorite things is just having a routine where five days a week we're spending together, coming home after a busy day of work and just sitting together and doing nothing.
Just being together can be some of my best memories.
Step number four, conflict doesn't ruin relationships. avoiding it does.
I used to think that the best couples don't fight.
I used to think that if I was in a relationship with someone and we disagreed with each other, it was the wrong person.
I now realize that relationships are a space for growth, not for comfort.
If relationships are just about comfort first of all, I don't know any that are.
But if relationships are just about comfort, then you're not going anywhere.
Relationships are meant to challenge you.
They're meant to make you grow.
They're meant to make you realize how selfish and greedy you are.
They're meant to make you realize how it's important to think about someone else.
They're meant to make you more emotionally intelligent.
Healthy couples don't avoid conflict.
They manage it with repair.
Here's the key.
For every one negative interaction, you need five positive ones to stay emotionally connected.
How you fight matters more than how often you fight.
So on your next argument, try this.
Help me understand what this brought up for you.
Ask that. and then actually listen.
Don't defend, right?
Usually when we fight, we're just fighting for what our parents did.
We're just fighting for what some old belief says.
I used to think love means you don't fight.
Now I know it means you know how to repair.
I used to think love was proven by grand gestures.
Now I know it's built in the small consistent ones.
I used to think love meant never needing space.
Now I know it's respecting someone enough to give it to them.
I used to think love was about never changing.
Now I know it's about growing and still choosing each other.
I used to think love should always feel easy.
Now I know the real kind is chosen, especially when it's not.
I used to think love was how loud they said it.
Now I know it's how clearly they show it.
Number five, lust is loud, but real love is often quiet.
Here's the thing, your brain craves novelty.
That's why new relationships feel addicting.
But over time, the dopamine fades and people mistake that for love fading.
What you're really seeing is your brain adjusting.
So here's the takeaway.
The high of lust wears off, but emotional security is a slow burn.
Track connection, not just attraction.
Ask weekly and monthly, do I feel more seen or more ignored over time?
Do I feel safe or do I just feel stimulated?
If they only excite you, it's chemistry.
If they calm your nervous system, it's care.
If they make your heart race but never your mind rest, that's adrenaline, not alignment.
If you're always guessing, it's not passion, it's emotional confusion.
If you feel seen only when you're perfect, that's performance, not partnership.
If they hype your highs but disappear in your lows, that's entertainment, not commitment.
Real love isn't just sparks, it's steadiness.
It's the one who brings peace to your chaos, not more chaos to your peace.
It's the one who regulates your nervous system, not constantly triggers it.
Because safety doesn't kill connection, it deepens it.
And by the way, you have to do all of this back.
I think when we talk about love, we all talk about like, what's someone doing for me?
Is that person got red flags?
What are they doing for me?
What should they be doing for me?
What are you doing for them?
This is a really important thing to talk about.
What are you doing for them?
Are you also doing it back?
And what I'm also going to add is no one is perfect when you meet them.
No one is going to be the perfect partner for you the day you meet them.
It is the choice you both make every day, every week, every month, every year to become more of that person, to heal independently, to heal together, to connect more.
A relationship is one where you're both willing to give each other patience to grow yourself and and commit to growing together.
That's a relationship.
Here's how it goes in reality.
You'll meet people who don't know how to listen.
Are you patient enough to wait for them to learn and do they want to learn for you?
You'll date people who aren't emotionally intelligent or don't know how to convey their emotions.
Are you willing to wait and are they willing to learn?
You'll meet people that feel you have a lot of baggage.
Are they willing to wait for you?
And are you willing to heal?
Those are the only two questions.
There's not going to be this perfect person who already speaks your language, who's already perfectly emotionally intelligent, who's already therapized and perfect and healed from every piece of baggage they have.
It's the relationship that does that.
That is part of the therapy.
That is part of the healing.
The only two questions that make a relationship successful.
Are you willing to wait?
Are they willing to heal?
Are they willing to wait?
Are you willing to heal?
A relationship, a healthy one is where you're both patient while the other person heals and you're both healing while the other person is patient.
You're doing the work while they wait for you and they're doing the work while you wait for them.
That's what a real relationship looks like.
I used to believe you're going to meet someone who's perfectly formed, perfectly healed, already enlightened, already emotionally intelligent, and now we're just going to get each other.
That is the biggest mistake you can make, especially if you're in a spiritual community where you just assume everyone knows all of this.
They don't.
And neither do you.
Number six.
Their attachment style will affect yours.
You're not immune to your partner's patterns.
A secure person can bring safety.
An avoidant one can make you anxious even if you weren't before.
Our styles adapt to the emotional environment we're in.
Who you choose will either soothe your nervous system or stir your survival instinct.
Now, neither is good or bad, because one could challenge you to grow, but it's important that you observe.
Do I feel more regulated or more reactive around them?
Your body knows before your brain does.
The way they were loved will shape how they love you.
The way they were cared for will shape how they care for you.
If they were taught love is earned, they might make you prove yourself.
If they were taught love was unpredictable, they might test your consistency.
If they were never heard, they might not know how to listen.
If they were never held, they might not know how to stay.
People love through the lens of what they've survived.
Not all distance is disinterest.
You're not always being judged.
You're sometimes being misunderstood.
You're not responsible for their past, but you are responsible for how you protect your heart in the present, because their wounds aren't your fault, but their healing shouldn't cost your peace.
A real relationship is where we're willing to commit to do that healing work together.
We are gonna walk in with different backgrounds, different walks of life, different parenting.
That's not an issue.
If you try and find someone who's exactly like you or compliments you perfectly, chances are you'll be looking forever.
It's someone that is really there to do the work with you.
That makes all the difference.
Number seven, your standards are shaped by what you've repeated, not what you deserve.
You tend to fall for what feels familiar, not what's healthy.
If chaos or consistency was your normal growing up, love without drama might feel boring.
But familiarity isn't the same as alignment.
Here's the takeaway.
Just because it feels familiar doesn't mean it's right.
List the top three emotional patterns you keep repeating in relationships.
Then ask, who taught me that was normal?
Sometimes what feels like love is just a well-rehearsed wound.
It's the chaos that feels familiar, the inconsistency that feels normal, the emotional unavailability that feels like a challenge you need to earn.
You think you're drawn to them, but really you're drawn to what you've been conditioned to survive.
You call it chemistry, but your nervous system calls it danger it already knows how to handle.
You think it's love because it hurts the same way you were first hurt.
That's not love.
It's memory.
That's not a connection.
It's a loop or a bad habit.
How do we break that loop?
So name the pattern.
Ask yourself, what does this feel like that I've felt before?
Clarity is the first break in the cycle.
Then interrupt the autopilot.
When someone triggers that familiar spark, pause and ask yourself, is this healthy or just familiar?
And also ask yourself, do I need to become healthier?
Because sometimes we don't like something.
It doesn't feel healthy because it actually challenges us to grow.
That's not a bad thing in a relationship.
I found some of the best things in my relationship is when I was challenged to grow by things that I thought were unhealthy.
And actually what it was requiring is more growth from me.
Sometimes, when something's unhealthy in a relationship, we think it's because that person needs to grow.
When actually it could be that you need to grow.
Step number three of that, redefine love in your language.
Write down what love isn't.
Then define what you want it to feel like.
And by the way, you should do this together.
Do you both see love as safety?
Do you both see love as being seen?
Are your expectations actually aligned?
And finally, give yourself what you keep chasing.
The validation, the presence, the approval.
Give it to yourself daily, so you don't bargain for it in someone else's hands.
Here's my final thought.
Most people chase love based on what they felt, not what they understood.
But when you combine heart with science, emotion with self-awareness and attraction with alignment, you stop chasing fireworks and start building a real life.
Make sure you subscribe and don't miss out.
I'll see you back here on On Purpose.
If you love this episode, you're going to love my conversation with Matthew Hussey on how to get over your ex and find true love in your relationships.
People should be compassionate to themselves, but extend that compassion to your future self, because truly extending your compassion to your future self is doing something that gives him or her a shot at a happy and a peaceful life.
