Fall is here.
Hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell, Brand new shoes, walking blues Climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
All right, we are fresh off a huge argument here in the studio.
That was a brawl.
That was an all-out brawl.
Still smart.
And I'll tell you what was going on.
And part of me wishes that we were rolling on this, but I guess that's expensive.
Is that right, Eduardo?
Is that why you don't roll on things that are really captivating?
I try to protect you at all times.
Yeah, okay.
We were thinking about what are we going to talk about in this segment?
And I don't know if anyone else wants to agree with me or disagree with me, but I hope agree with me.
Blay, you started, you pitched an idea and you were like, oh you guys could talk about, and I said yeah, I don't know.
And then you went, okay, another idea.
And then I said, well, and then you said, hey, and a third one.
And I said, hey, just slow your roll, man.
You were like someone put 15 quarters into a pitch machine and they were firing in at 90 miles an hour.
Into a pitch machine.
And I was getting hit by fastballs left and right.
And I was like, calm down and let the creative process happen.
And then I said to Sona, you said, well, I'm not going to say anything.
And I said, well, no, it would be nice if you had an idea.
Can we just clarify something?
This is a Thursday episode where we normally do a fan episode.
And so we're trying to come up with.
Yeah, but you know, and listen, we ran out of fans.
We should just tell people right now.
Worldwide.
Done.
We're done.
We talked to all 111 of our fans.
That's right.
Worldwide.
Some of them three times, and they would put on mustaches and different accents.
We tried to fill it out as much as we could and then we officially talked to the last fan and we didn't have a fan this week.
I think it's actually more complicated than that.
Yeah.
And we should say that that's what we're doing here is we're using this episode.
We were first pitching ideas and then it got into the talking about pitching.
And then I have a quick question.
What the fuck is a pitch machine?
Yeah.
Do you mean like a baseball pitch machine?
Baseball batting cage.
But then it's also like it can be double because he's pitching things.
Yeah, yeah.
That's nice.
It has a double meaning.
You gave it more than he ever intended.
No, I'm sorry.
I think he tried to do both.
T.S.
Eliot thought about his words before he put them to the page.
I mean, can we then talk about what Eduardo said?
Well, just a second.
There's a thing that I love. on it.
There's a thing I'm sensitive to, which is having pretty much grown up in writers' rooms and been in them all the time.
You would get sometimes in a situation where one writer's like hey, And it's a little like that small dog straining against the leash.
Well, here it was a large dog with gray hair and a beard who was saying we can do this, we can do that, we can do that.
And I was just trying to say, slow it down just a little bit.
You are forcing all the groundwater out and we need to just let it sit for a second and let the aquifer refill.
And I'm a master of analogies and that's a good one.
And so that's all I was trying to get to Blay, and I respect your ideas, and occasionally there's a good one, but I just thought you had to slow it down a bit.
Okay.
What was your third idea that I didn't hear?
Do you want to discuss your first two?
No, I don't want to hear the first one.
He doesn't want to hear it.
Those weren't good ideas.
See, you see it as let's let the groundwater fill up.
I'm saying I'm trying to throw kindling.
Here's how I see it.
Here's how I see it.
I see it as- You said, here's how I see it, I think 10 times.
But then you never say how you see it.
Well, how I see it is- Because you don't let him.
Yeah, how I see it is, this room is full of creative, smart people.
I don't see that.
What are you looking at?
And we're a bunch of mousetraps.
Well, I'm sorry, I don't have a mirror.
Oh my God.
And so I am trying to throw ping pong balls into the mousetrap room.
Yeah, but And then something bounces off something, and then something bounces off something, and then you come up with something great.
Yeah, but you could also... Just how about this?
Pitch an idea, Blay, from now on.
All right.
And then count to 70.
And I mean 70 minutes.
And then pitch another one.
How about that?
You come from the no bad ideas brainstorming school and I appreciate that.
Thank you.
And I come from the mostly bad ideas school because most of my career has been pitching and listening to bad ideas.
That's just how it is.
You come from the shut everybody down at any turn school.
Well, listen, I think that's a little unfair and I'm ready for your apology now.
See, shut me down.
But what we had talked about right before we were rolling was Sona said you know, I bet if Eduardo pitched the same idea, you would say yes.
Eduardo actually said that.
Eduardo said that, and I agree with that.
So much self-awareness.
I think you like Eduardo's ideas more than my ideas.
Listen to you right now.
They're the same.
No, listen to yourself right now, Blake.
Okay.
Listen to the tone of your voice.
You lean into the microphone like you're a dog chewing a T-bone steak, and you shout.
Yes.
Now, Eduardo has something called EQ and Riz.
I would do him in a Mississippi Minute.
Well, now we have our pitch.
Is this our version of heated rivalry?
You've got to stop telling the people here that work for you that you want to do them.
You have to stop doing it.
I'm not sure I do.
You did it to David Melman.
I'm not sure I do.
You do it to Eduardo.
Yeah.
No, you have to stop.
Why don't you go around the office and start telling people you don't want to do it?
Wait, here's a pitch.
Here's a pitch.
Heated rivalry podcast.
A podcast heated rivalry.
I'm in.
I'm in.
Look at you.
I am in.
I will take the reins on that.
I wish people could see what I see.
Where's my camera?
Right here?
This is...
This is Blay.
Look at that.
This is Blay right now.
And if you can get our video, check it out.
Blay grabs it and he looks at me and he says, oh, hey, here's an idea.
Now, here's what I have found in life.
If you start screaming and leaning into people's faces, they will retreat and ask you to be quiet.
Here's what Eduardo does that I think gives him a sort of sensual charm.
Hmm.
Eduardo says things quietly and he says them with a sense of self-respect.
He says he has a sort of changing yourself.
He says he has a take it or leave it kind of, oh, we could do this.
Whereas Blaze thing is.
I've got to get this used car off the lot immediately or everyone's going to die.
And that makes people uneasy.
Blay, you're the guy in the store following someone around saying, can I help you?
Can I help you?
Can I help you?
Can I help you?
I used to work at Kmart and I did do that.
Yeah.
And you know what?
You put Kmart out of business.
They don't exist anymore.
You also worked for Leach Mears Sears all those stores that went out of business in the 90s and 2000s.
Blay worked there for a while and they saw a sudden plummet.
You would have done so well at The Gap.
I worked at The Gap in the early 90s and they would force us to do that.
And I was so uncomfortable.
I'd just go hide behind clothes because I didn't want to bother people.
I would respond to that.
You would?
I like when people have enthusiasm and come up to me excited about things.
I like that.
Really?
How much insurance have you bought?
I have like 12 timeshares.
He was enthusiastic.
I had to.
Blay, and I'm not putting you down.
I don't think I've said.
I think, if you look at the transcripts, I haven't said one negative thing about you.
I'm not putting you down.
I'm passionately insulting you.
Do you agree that my body, my impersonation of Blaze body language and tone is not far off?
Do you agree?
I feel like it's a mean version of that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's OK.
No, I'm Obama.
I'm on Team Blay here.
And you know what you do, which is something you do all the time, is you can go crazy.
And then when you're talking about Eduardo, you kind of take on Eduardo's like, you start talking more calmly.
Which is not how you talk.
You're more like Blay.
You're not that guy.
You're more like that guy.
You're not that guy.
You're that guy.
Sona, your argument implies that I'm in some way self-loathing or self-hating.
And you can look at all the evidence from a 40-year career and see it's just not the case.
Eduardo, you continue to impress.
You're spectacular.
Come on.
He's just got that.
And guess what I'm wearing right now?
I'm wearing a sweatshirt that Eduardo gave me.
That's how much of an Eduardo fan I am.
And you know what?
I'd like to put on a sweatshirt you gave me, Blay.
But there isn't one.
I see what's going on here.
It's all about bribery.
I get it.
I get it.
So I'm going to, you know what?
I'm going to get you a couple sweatshirts.
You do grab, you're not helping.
Did you say, you just grab the mic and you swiveled it around to, and guess what?
It's not even a swivel mic.
You bent the iron bar and you pulled it around to you, but you grab it.
Well, but Eduardo and I have to share a mic and it's very, you know.
Why are you shouting?
Seriously.
God, this poor guy.
Adam, you're at least fair.
These two love to jump on the maestro.
Does Blaze shout?
Can he be a little loud?
I mean, it's not a question.
Of course he shouts.
I mean, there's empirical evidence.
We have actual data.
Yes, it's a fact.
We're not saying he doesn't shout.
Ricardo, what happens to your sensitive machinery when Blay grabs the mic and starts pitching with the microphone halfway down his esophagus?
I do have to ride Blay's levels constantly.
That is technical proof.
That's all that is.
Now, I don't think you have to ride my levels nearly as much.
Not as much as Blay.
Not as much.
You know what?
Blay is consistently loud.
What's the spectrum of level writing here?
Hey, Blay, you're consistent.
Eduardo, what's the spectrum of level writing here in this room?
Blay's at one end.
It's probably Conan who I'm writing, because you can get very quiet.
When I have a great idea, and that happens a lot.
You're dynamic.
When I'm touched by God's inspiration.
I tend to get louder to really, really knock it out of the park.
And might be one of the reasons why we're just adored and beloved, possibly.
Or it could be our ads.
I don't know.
Take your pick.
But yes, I know that I'm painting a picture and I'm using a wide range of colors on the palette.
Yes.
Meanwhile, Blaze, like I said, consistently at a high level.
Yeah.
You know what you would have been great as if you could time travel?
An air raid warden. in World War II in the Blitz.
You know what I mean?
People would immediately know we've got to get out of here.
Or Town Crier.
Yeah.
Well, no, because no one would get to sleep.
Town Crier had to ride the levels too.
So this is a complicated conversation and I am just happy that people get an inside look at our dynamic.
Do we fight?
Yes, we do.
Do we disagree?
Yes, we do.
Do I always win because I am Stalin?
Yes.
Yes, I do.
So moving forward.
Oh, look at that.
Thank you.
Could you give me some tips?
Because I want to learn.
I want to learn.
Keep it down.
You're going up again.
It went up.
I heard it too.
I want to learn and be better.
Are there, what are the top three things?
I could just write them down and have a little post-it note here.
And then when it's time to speak up, I can look at the post-it note.
What should be on the post-it note that I should write to remind myself to be better?
What are some tips?
Well.
Oh my God, that's a big sign.
Be Eduardo.
Be Eduardo.
You should be asking Eduardo, not Conan.
Okay, touche.
Eduardo, what are some things I could do to be better and not as annoying?
Take a deep breath.
That's good.
No, there are people that wear a bracelet that says breathe, or they get breathe tattooed on their hand.
Okay.
I think you push a lot of air out.
And look, I'll admit, am I that different?
No.
Is there some thought that goes into it?
Probably.
You're constantly pushing out, and I think you do need to take a breath.
Okay.
And there can be a... People can misperceive that there's a desperation involved.
Oh.
Which I don't think there is.
You're not desperate.
You've been employed by me for how many years?
Since 2001, so that's 25 years.
That's good math.
Wow.
Just take the current year and take one away.
That's how I did it, yeah.
So you... You're awful.
You're awful.
I just listened to what I said.
Here's a true story.
I just listened to that come out of my head and part of my brain went, you're a dick.
Yeah, but then you smiled.
Yeah.
You took it as a compliment.
You took your whole impulse as a compliment.
That part of my brain is high-fiving the other part of my brain.
Oh my God.
Wait, this is crazy.
Two synapses just formed little hands and high-fived each other.
That's so crazy.
I don't think that's ever happened.
You're too synopsis.
Just did those avatar tail fuck.
Yeah.
No, if I was in an MRI machine right now, you'd see two parts of the brain go form two gloved hands like Mickey Mouse, four fingered gloved hands and go good one.
So anyway, yeah, I just think that's a really good, just take a breath.
All right.
This isn't going to last.
You know that.
You're going to go have 70.
You're going to have like a giant glass of Yoo-Hoo, get a sugar high and start yelling again.
Well, let's test it out.
Let's see if you can just go in the mode of Eduardo right now and pitch us any idea.
Yeah, pitch us an idea.
And wipe all the sweat off your face.
I'm really sorry.
Well, Eduardo's not sweaty.
You look like you just talked a 747, a passenger who took over the helm of a 747 down onto the tarmac safely.
And you're like, okay, let's go.
Okay.
Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen, the new Blay.
Hi, Blay.
You want button up?
Button up one.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Let me wipe all this beardruff off.
Dude, don't say beardruff.
Button up?
Yeah, yeah.
Button up.
I'm doing what Eduardo says.
Too loose.
Hey, you know what I love?
He is the sensei now.
Eduardo is your sensei.
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce.
Wait, not the top button?
Oh my God.
He looks like every nerd in a nerd movie.
Take that button off.
Why don't you do both buttons?
Okay, here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like you to meet the new 2026 Blay.
Hi, Blay.
How are you?
I'm doing great.
Good.
Thanks.
Very good.
Thank you.
Not an asthma breath.
Yeah.
Breathe off, Mike.
I'm doing great.
Thank you.
You're doing all right?
Yes.
Thank you for having me.
And do you have any thoughts about segments we could do in the near future?
Yes, I do have a thought.
Recently, you were reported as- Now you just seem depressed.
I'm trying to be chill.
I can't do this.
You're very depressed now.
I feel like, hey, you know what?
I loved you in Hamnet.
What?
You were great.
Lean back, not into the mic.
The mic doesn't go that far back.
The mic doesn't have to be in your mouth.
That's so unnatural.
I had an idea.
That was too loud.
Now you're too loud.
Just try.
OK, I had an idea, which was you said you're not looking for any more after.
If I had legs I would kick you.
You weren't looking for any more dramatic roles.
I thought it'd be fun to come up with a segment where you you are like Daniel Day-Lewis.
You're in retirement.
What kind of roles you would come back to that back to acting for?
Oh, okay.
Well, I think that's a, that's a fine pitch.
Yeah.
I really do.
Yeah.
He came back to acting.
He's gripping the mic again.
It's so crazy.
You cannot be.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I think Matt's note about the posture actually is huge.
When I saw Blay leaning back, I was like, oh, this is, this is actually.
No, no, you should, we should get duct tape.
I'm soaking wet with sweat.
Just let the seat, let the seat cradle you.
Stop talking about your sweat in your beard drop.
All right.
We should get duct tape and tie him to his chair.
Tie his abdomen to his chair.
That's my idea.
Okay, I think that's fine.
And just to bring people up to date, I'm a small part of a movie.
I'm a fine part of it.
Pretty big part.
Pretty good part.
Yeah.
Pretty good part in a movie called If I Had Legs I'd Kick You, which has gotten a lot of critical acclaim, mostly because of the incredible writing directing of Mary Bronstein.
Yeah.
And the performance.
And the performance of A Lifetime by Rose Byrne, which is really saying something, because I adore her.
Yeah.
So, yeah, I did this role and people thought I acquitted myself well.
And there's been some question, would I do another movie role?
And I say no.
That's a good idea, Blay.
Maybe we leave it to the fans to tell me in a nice calm tone if they have any ideas of the kind of role I should play.
And I mean serious pitches, not you're a rooster, you're Woody Woodpecker, that kind of stuff.
Hey, I have an idea, because this is a solid pitch.
Why don't we take this pitch and do a two-parter to this episode?
I love it, I love it.
So next time we come back, we've got the pitch settled.
By this time, Blay, he's just rolling in trim because he's so cool and collected.
Rolling in trim?
No.
You mean gash?
Uh-huh.
You mean that sweet sliv?
I'm talking about some serious trench.
Jesus.
I'm so glad I don't know what you're talking about.
Wait a minute.
Are we off PBS now?
Do you want to apologize to Blay?
You made him sweat a lot.
No, I don't think I did.
Oh.
I was.
He's crying.
I'm so wet.
You made him very vulnerable this entire.
You know what this was?
I was a very, very good, tough, but effective therapist.
And I think I made a big change in Blaise's life.
Thank you.
And I hope a big change in my life.
Because you'll stop.
Yeah, I helped him.
You really feel like you think he helped you?
Yeah.
Hey, Sona, if I didn't care about Blay, I wouldn't yell at him and belittle him.
Oh my God.
Okay, let's wrap this up.
And next week let us return and maybe explore this concept that a soft-spoken Blay had, which got our attention, which is discussing my next movie role.
So we'll see you soon.
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