Welcome to Feel Better Live More Bitesize.
Your weekly dose of positivity and optimism to get you ready for the weekend.
Today's clip is from episode 476 of the podcast with Buddhist monk and author Haman Sunim.
In our rush to achieve and reach our goals, we can often miss the beauty and richness of our current experiences.
And in this clip, we discuss the importance of slowing down and being present.
And with that in mind, Hae Min shares some practical tips for mindfulness that can help us reconnect with ourselves and the world around us.
Talk to me about small but certain happiness.
I think it's a very simple concept that I think everyone's going to resonate with.
I think oftentimes people imagine that they will finally feel happy and I will be able to relax only when I achieve some monumental goals in my life, such as maybe marrying somebody in love of your life or buying your first home or getting promoted to the position that you really want.
But, while you are getting there, you also have to live your life.
And it usually takes a long time to arrive at your goal.
So, I think it's important we look for what I would call small but certain happiness.
This is not my idea, this is an idea that many people propose.
But I think it is so important to look for something that's going to for sure make you happy and then do it again.
And again. And again.
Just speaking to what you just said now, it's just so simple.
You say this. For some, the fragrant smell of freshly made morning coffee is a time of peace and happiness.
While for others, it could be the warmth of the sun on their face, the sight of spring flowers, the feel of the cozy blanket on a chilly day, or simply spending time with their dog or cat after work.
Now here's the thing, Heyman, a lot of people listening are experiencing those things every day, but many won't have put the spotlight of gratitude onto them.
So let's say someone has got half an hour to get up and get ready for work and get the kids, you know, off to school or whatever it might be, they might make their morning coffee, rush and slurp it down whilst also getting things ready for work, right?
So they've still had the experience of drinking freshly made morning coffee, but the intention behind it is very different.
Right, right. So it takes only 10 seconds that is, wait, I'm just going to actually enjoy the smell of freshly made coffee, you know, these intentions.
And then you pause a little bit and then you re -engage with the experience.
And from that moment you say, wow, this is happiness, you know.
Rather than searching for some, you know, big things in your life, big success to be happy, maybe this is what I was after.
I like the idea that it only takes 10 seconds, or even five seconds.
Sure, you're in a rush in the morning, just take a simple pause, 30 seconds, smell the coffee, quite literally.
Let it tickle your senses.
Right. You know, just that act, you're just starting to open up the door to appreciation, aren't you?
Right. Again, one of the reasons I feel, generally speaking, so calm and content these days, and dare I say it, happy, It's because I believe that, and you write about this idea in your book, that where you put your focus, that's what starts to grow?
Absolutely, yes. So, I think we have to make a decision.
We have to decide to appreciate our life.
We have to decide to enjoy this moment.
You know, once you decided that I'm going to enjoy this moment, it makes it much easier to appreciate things.
Without that intention, it's hard. The life just passes by and without really becoming aware of what we are having it.
I love that. Let's just pause on that for a moment.
You're saying you have to decide that you are going to enjoy the moment that's about to be there in front of you, right?
Now, I think many people believe that the moment will determine whether I feel enjoyment.
If it is a fun and enjoyable moment, I will feel happy.
If it is a negative moment, I will feel negative and sad.
But you're saying something completely different, which is before the moment arises, you have to positively decide, I'm going to enjoy it.
Yes, because if you are just reacting, you will become the victim of the situations and there are a lot of things that's happening to you and you will be pulled towards many different directions.
However, I think we have to be proactive rather than being reactive.
So once you decide how you're going to do or how are you going to feel, Then, often times, that's the experience you're going to have. There's also this lovely concept of appreciation versus ownership that you write about.
If you view happiness as a matter of appreciation rather than ownership, many things you can't own, such as the sunlight in your room, the laughter of children, a loving embrace, the colours of autumn foliage, A stunning sunset, the soothing sounds of music at night.
The triumph of your favorite sports team.
These things can bring happiness into your life.
The important thing is whether you can slow down and appreciate life.
I really like that.
It's the same idea that we've just been talking about, but it's a really beautiful concept.
Think about the things that you can't own.
That's really nice.
It's a really nice place to what you focus on, I think.
Yes. I think we need to shift our idea, you know, away from ownership to appreciations, you know, when it comes to happiness, there are lots and lots of things in our lives we can not own, you know, even if we own something but in the grand scheme of things, we are just temporarily, you know, caretaking or guarding, you know, whatever that is.
It can be very expensive, you know, paintings, or, you know, whatever.
So at the end, it's a matter of, you know, appreciations.
Even if you own wonderful things, if you are not appreciating, then what's the point?
Do you think being happy is our true nature?
Yes. People often think, you know, happiness means excitement, you know, when we are excited, then we feel happy.
But if we want everlasting happiness, then excitement, you cannot sustain it for a long time.
It fades, it disappears, you know?
So what we really want is some quality of peace in happiness experience, happy experience.
So our true nature, I believe, is a state of peace.
And when we are not trying to go somewhere or arrive at other places, and yet you are relaxed, here and now, and you are content with what you already have, or you feel grateful for what you already have, then that's where the happiness lives.
Rather than constantly trying to go somewhere, like what you said earlier, when I was younger, I thought that by going to abroad, that's where happiness will reside or by trying to have some special kind of enlightenment experience, for me it was, then I will finally be able to feel happiness.
Then later I realized that the very seeking of those experience, the very trying to go away from right now, right here.
That was the cause of unhappiness.
Yeah, I love that. I also love what you said about the seeking of happiness is fundamentally flawed. And so if someone asked you, how do you know when you're happy?
What answer would you give?
I think gratitude is another name for happiness.
As I was coming to see you, I was inside in a train and looking out beautiful countryside of the United Kingdom.
And I was thinking to myself, this is so wonderful.
I get to have this beautiful experience And I feel very grateful for the opportunity.
And as I was tapping into the gratitude I felt really happy.
So when we are practicing gratitude we are happy at where we are.
We are not trying to grasp onto something that we don't have or resisting what we already have. Instead, we are just thankful for where we are.
And I think that's where happiness resides.
You can just start with just small things in your life.
And as you are counting your blessing, and you will see that more opportunities, unexpected opportunities will come to you.
Yeah, it's a practice, isn't it?
It's something you get better at the more you do.
Right, generally speaking, when we think about things, we always think about negative things.
problems that we have to deal with or, you know, the task that I have to finish.
So thereby we feel a lot of stress.
However, you know, when we practice gratitude rather than going into that thinking mind, we are actually looking for what is there to feel, you know, grateful for at this moment because we are practicing this gratitude.
Yeah. One of the other lines that resonated with me in your new book was this one.
If you can control your ambition, you won't overextend yourself.
If you do not overextend, you will not harm your health.
If your health is good, your mind becomes balanced easily.
If your mind is balanced, you will find happiness in little things.
It's this beautiful loop where everything feeds each other.
But that first bit I think is key.
If you can control your ambition, you won't overextend yourself.
And often burnout comes as a consequence of unchecked ambition.
How do you control your ambition?
People tend to have this imagination that once I achieve such and such, then my life will have worth, I will be worthy.
But investigate where that feeling of lack, feeling of insufficiency is coming from.
You imagine that it is the outside achievements is going to make you feel that you are finally worthy, but maybe it is unloved and uncared past experience while growing up.
Maybe that is like a little child within you.
It is still asking you to pay attention to me more.
So rather than zeroing on it's just outside goals to make you feel like finally maybe I am somebody.
you know, you can just go directly to the source, you know, what is the very force that keeps on making me work, I don't know, like, you know, 80 hours or 100 hours a week, you know, while not spending any time at all with my family, you know, or close friends.
So I think it's important to check your own ambitions and see people around you.
And if you are maintaining harmonious relationship with them because at the end, you want to be happy together.
You don't want to be just happy by yourself.
When I was researching your own story, One of the things that resonated with me the most was something that I also discovered early on in my career as a doctor, which was the power of listening.
And you tell a story, I've heard you tell the story that when you were a monk, suddenly people would come up to you and ask you all kinds of things afterwards that you didn't feel equipped to answer but you learned a powerful lesson, didn't you?
Yes. Could you share that?
I think it's so powerful and I think it's so applicable to all of us.
I think most people, they just want to be heard and they want somebody to dare to witness, what's happening in their lives.
And especially if the person is listening with a sense of empathy, then you will feel a lot better afterwards, You realize that you are not alone, going through this very challenging experience in your life.
And also people already know the answer to their problem.
It's just that in their head, it's disorganized and you are not actually asking the right questions and therefore you think you don't know the answers, but as you are listening to what they have to say as you are on Tangle your what's happened, and you're beginning to really see the answer that you've been seeking was right in front of you.
I think that's one of the most powerful realizations I've had in my own career.
And I won't tell the story again, because I've told it before, on this podcast. But in my very first week as a GP, I learned that lesson, when I didn't really know exactly what to do with a patient.
So I just listened attentively and would see the patient back every week and she got better.
Because as you said, she knew the answers, but what she didn't have in her life was someone who she could talk to and open up to and they weren't gonna judge her.
And I think you said also, you've mentioned it, you've wrote about it in the book, how sometimes that's the role a therapist will play.
Where people can actually speak, get in touch with their emotions, express them without fear of judgment or being cut off.
And you often find those answers yourself, I think it also speaks to this idea, one of the central ideas in your work in Buddhist philosophy that's all the answers are within the happiness is already there.
We're not looking for it outside.
We just need to get out of its way and relax into it and relax into it but of course that's difficult for people when they're feeling rushed all the time and stressed all the time and you know you literally see the world differently when you're rushing.
You cover that in one of your previous books, didn't you?
Right, people love the title things you can see only when you slow down.
You know? Great title.
I think we need to just periodically pause and see if you can slow down.
And when we are slowing down, then we can actually see and appreciate our life that is quickly passing in front of us.
Yeah. That's what I think a lot of these practices do, a gratitude practice, or just taking 10, 15 seconds to smell that fresh tea or that fresh coffee and let the aroma go into you and surround you.
I think one of the things it does if you're leading a busy life is number one, it forces you to slow down.
But number two, it reminds you what the feeling of slow feels like.
Mm -hmm, yeah. You had the great fortune of spending some time with the great Thich Nhat Tan.
Could you share some of the key things you learned from him with us?
I loved his walking meditations, you know, he said, walk as though your feet are, you know, kissing the earth and to me that teaching was such a powerful, you know, one And because we often just think about...
I have to arrive at certain place and without paying attention to actual process of walking itself.
And instead, can you just say, I'm going to enjoy my walking?
I'm going to kiss the earth as I am taking my step.
I think that's a really wonderful way to start our day.
Very mindful, very present, very evocative thought kissing the Earth as you walk.
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