Hello welcome to her welcome back to try to care if you're new here, my name is Ashley I upload every single Monday, and I now upload on YouTube and I'm not gonna give you that whole spiel because Every episode since I've been scolding you guys and kind of bullying you into watching on YouTube And I'm not gonna do that today But you did stumble upon my birthday episode if you're listening to this when it drops my birthdays this week my birthday's April 4th I'm an Aries, and I am the epitome of an Aries.
I'm impulsive. I am fiery.
I am hot I'm hot headed.
Yeah, I did a birthday episode two years ago and I called it Hot Girls Cry on their birthday and that episode was really hard for me to record but I'm really glad I did because I've always, or at least as an adult, I've always struggled with my birthday.
I've always felt very alone on my birthday and I have always been surrounded by people who love their birthday and everyone celebrates their birthday, so I felt very alone in the fact that I felt alone so when I uploaded that episode and I got so much positive feedback.
So many of you saying that you relate to the episode, it made me feel so understood, so heard. You're so welcome to go back and listen to that episode.
It was from like 2023 I think?
But I kind of want to revisit that topic today because it's still relevant and it's something that I still struggle with.
So today I just want to talk about feeling lonely on your birthday, Having the birthday blues and like why you feel so sad on such a special day I've heard so many people talk about having the birthday blues and how They cry every year in their birthday and they just have a hard time every single year but they don't understand why because you know your birthday supposed to be like this fun day this special day and You're supposed to look forward to it and they're like, why am I having such a hard time?
Why do I hate my birthday when everyone else loves their birthday?
But that is exactly why you have the Birthday Blues or at least one of the reasons.
There's so much pressure when it comes to your birthday.
There's this like societal view of like your birthday and how it's supposed to be.
When we think about birthdays, we think about big celebrations we think about being surrounded by people that love us.
We think about, you know, having special treatment and we have such high expectations because that is what everyone expects on their special day.
Especially with social media now, everyone uses social media as a highlight reel.
So when it's their birthday, they're reposting photos of like people saying happy birthday on their story, and they're posting what they got for their birthday, or what they're doing, or like going out with their friends.
And then when it's your birthday, you're like, okay, uh, this is going to be great.
What do I have to post?
I didn't do anything today.
No one, uh, wished me a happy birthday on their story.
So I don't have anything to repost there." And you feel like a loser with no friends and that no one cares about you.
And I know it sounds harsh and I know it sounds over -dramatic, like it's just social media.
You shouldn't care what people think.
But when you're constantly being shown what other people are doing and what they have and how much other people care about them, it's inevitable to start comparing yourself to that.
Especially if you're someone who really prioritizes friendships and relationships And that's all you want.
All you want is like a big friend group and you don't have that.
It's just a reminder of that on your birthday because this is a day where you normally would be posting with that big friend group or showing off all the people that love you and being showered by all the people that love you.
Social media aside, we all have this idea of what our special day is supposed to be like.
We start planning months ahead of like, I want to do this with my friends and it's going to look like this and you start planning mood boards on Pinterest. And then the days leading up to it, you're realizing, Oh, no one wants to hang out with me, actually, you know, that party that I had planned in my mind and on my Pinterest board for months.
I don't have anyone to invite.
Everyone's busy. Everyone's booked and busy and no one's coming.
It's especially hard when you have a shitty birthday and you know, people can't show up for you and things just don't go the way that you want.
And you're like, okay, this birthday sucked.
But at least I know what I want now and I'm going to make next year better.
Like, next year I'm going to plan accordingly.
I'm going to plan months ahead.
I'm going to make sure people can come and everything's going to be okay.
And you do that. You plan months ahead and you do everything right and things still fall through.
The day comes and people aren't available.
People can't show up and it's like, fuck, what more can I do?
Like I'm doing everything that I can and my birthday still sucks.
I'm still crying on my birthday.
I'm still having a terrible day.
Birthdays are emotional as is.
Like leading up to your birthday, it is stressful.
You have all these thoughts, you have all these emotions.
You're attached to your current age.
Like you just got adjusted to it and you're finally OK with it.
And then boom, you're another year older.
And then there is this anxiety of getting older and this anxiety of your parents getting older.
And then there's this realization of like, oh, my God, I'm a year older and I still don't know what I'm doing.
And I'm not even close to where I thought I'd be in my life at this age.
And then there's just this overwhelming feeling of I'm stepping into a new chapter of my life and I don't know what's gonna happen next and that gives me anxiety All of that.
It's a lot That's a lot to digest and you don't want to be alone Dealing with that you want to be surrounded by people that love you and you love them And I think that's one of the reasons why we put so much pressure on our birthday and why we want to be surrounded by People we don't want to be alone thinking all of those things We want to have support and we don't have that it's like fuck maybe I am as alone as I feel I think also when you're someone who struggles with feeling lonely a lot and you don't have a solid group of friends You don't feel like people really care about you.
You feel like you're overlooked People don't really see you like when you speak no one listens and when you talk in a group chat No one responds and you just feel like an outsider You're like, okay.
I know I feel like this most of the time This is my normal but I can't quite possibly feel this way on my birthday like at least but there's one day in a year where I'll feel special and people will care about me and will reach out to me and will talk to me and hang out with me.
You think I know that people don't really show up for me in our day to day lives and I spend the majority of my time alone and I don't really have plans on the weekends and I don't really do much and I don't really talk to many people and no one really responds to me when I do talk to them but they're gonna show up for me on my birthday cause like it's my birthday, why wouldn't they?
I know that those people normally don't make time for me but they're they're going to on my birthday Because why wouldn't they why would they not make time for me on my birthday?
And then your birthday comes up And those people can't make time for you and you're like, oh, okay, uh great You know, I should have seen that coming because why would why would you make time for me?
You never make time for me Why would this day be any different but you do think it's different you think it's different every single year You're like this is the year that's going to be different.
This is the year people are gonna show up for me, this is the year people are gonna see me in your mind there's just like no possible way that people wouldn't show it for you on your birthday because you're like well I showed up for them like I made an effort to be there for them and to throw them a party and make their day special like of course they're gonna do that for me and then they don't and it is this like soul crushing feeling because you see everyone else being celebrated and it seems so easy it seems so easy for other people to be supported and loved But every year when it comes to
you, it's the hardest thing in the world.
It's like the hardest thing for people to show up for you.
But then you have this internal battle with yourself where it's like you know that you're valid for being upset.
You know that you have every right to be upset that people didn't show up for you because you know that anyone would be upset if they had to spend their birthday alone and anyone would be upset if people didn't show up for them.
But then you're like, okay, but we're adults and people are busy and they have their own lives I know it's a special day for me, but it doesn't really mean anything to them Like I'm not in the forefront of their mind all the time I can't expect people to care about my birthday when it's just another day for them But then it's like everyone has a birthday and everyone wants to feel special on their birthday and I showed up for you So it's like why can't you show up for me?
Like I made an effort for you Why can't you make an effort for me?
And then there's also this weird thing where it's like you kind of realize who cares and who doesn't and you kind of use your birthday as a checkpoint where it's like okay this person and I haven't spoken in a while or they haven't really been putting effort into this relationship or friendship for the past year let's see how they act my birthday and you kind of use it as a way to feel out how they feel about you and when they don't text you happy birthday when they don't show up for you you're like oh okay I was right about that like that sucks that sucks to see that this person that I really
care about doesn't actually care about me at all.
It just kind of solidifies exactly how you feel or like how you thought they felt about you and I know that this episode might seem dramatic or overkill or you might be like it's not that deep it's just your birthday you'll be okay.
But I know that I'm not alone how I felt and I know that more people than not have felt this way to and have struggled with their birthday but the thing is they don't tell anyone.
They don't tell any of their friends that they're disappointed or they wish they showed up for them because it's really hard to articulate how you feel and express that to your friends without them getting mad at you.
A lot of the time when you're upset people can't hear you out and empathize with you and validate how you feel because all they're hearing is I might have done something wrong, I might have played a part in making you feel bad and when that's all they hear they go into attack mode and they're like well what did you expect, I can't just drop everything for you it's just your birthday.
And it's like well yeah, it's just my birthday but it's important to me and I just wish you as someone who's important to me as well was there for me.
I wish it was important to you.
Instead of hearing you out and being like you know what you're right like you are always there for me you always make my birthday special I should have done the same for you.
They treat you like you're asking for too much or that you're needy and it's unreasonable for you to want your friends or your loved ones to spend the day with you.
I understand the idea of like I can't drop everything for you.
But let's be so for real, no one's asking you to drop everything for someone.
They're just asking for your support.
They're just asking you to be a friend.
And I know as an adult, there's a lot going on.
You're busy. Everyone has their own thing going on, but there comes a time where it's like, yeah, you don't owe anyone anything, but the decisions that you make affect other people.
Sometimes you do have to sacrifice your selfishness for the other people in your life.
That's how a support system works.
I know there's this idea on the internet that's like, it's okay to be selfish.
You don't owe anyone anything, but there's a time and a place.
You can't be like that all the time if you want healthy working relationships in your life.
Like, if someone in your life is going through something, let's say that they just lost a family member, you can't be like, sorry, I can't be there for you because I'm in a good fucking mood and you're bringing me down.
Yeah, I can't hear you yapping about your great grandma that you just lost because I got a hot date tonight, and it's just, it's too much for me.
Sorry. Try again next time.
Your friends need support and yeah, You don't owe them anything you don't but they also don't owe you a friendship I think it comes down to the same thing with your birthday Maybe it's not as extreme as like losing a family member, but I know that you have a busy life But I do expect you as my friend to at least acknowledge that it's my birthday My birthday is the same day every single year.
I'm not expecting a week -long birthday extravaganza but if you're my friend, if you're my partner, I expect you to kind of plan around it.
I don't expect you to take the day off from work or to plan some crazy birthday weekend trip but I do expect you to check in with me and be like hey what are you doing for your birthday?
You got any plans? Do you want to get dinner?
What are you doing?
I want to see you. I want to make sure your days a good day.
Like I feel like that's the bare minimum to just check in with your friend.
Or like if you know that you do have work on your friend's birthday and you can't show up for them to be like, hey I really want to see you for your birthday but I can't get the day off from work or I'm busy on this day, I would love to take you up for dinner the weekend before or the weekend after.
Like I want to make time for you.
I think most people just want to see the effort.
They want to know that the people in their lives care.
That they're thinking about them.
Like I had this one friend who has a birthday on a major or like drinking holiday.
So every birthday, I would make sure that I would ask her, like, hey, what are your plans?
Are we going somewhere?
Are we doing something before I made plans?
Because I never wanted to be like, hey, sorry I can't hang out with you on your birthday because I'm going to this crazy rager without you.
Like that would just suck to hear from one of your best friends, so I never wanted to be that person.
I think people just want to be considered.
I think that's one of the biggest things.
people want to be considered on their birthday.
They want to know that the people that they're constantly thinking about are at least thinking about them on this one day of the year.
But what I was trying to say before is that people have a hard time taking accountability, they have a hard time admitting that they could have been better because they think that means that they're a bad person or they're a bad friend or they're a bad partner, which is not what that person's trying to make them feel like.
someone coming to you and being like, hey I wish that you know, you texted me for my birthday or I wish that we went out to dinner to celebrate my birthday, isn't to be like your piece of shit for not thinking of that first, for not thinking of me.
It's more so to be like, hey you really matter to me and I care about you and I care about you so much that I want to spend this special day with you and it sucks that I didn't get to.
You're saying like, I want you to show up for me more so I can see you more.
I want our friendship to continue.
I'm not bringing this to you to make you feel bad.
But people have a hard time separating the two and all they hear is I'm a bad friend.
I didn't do this. And that's why people don't speak up and that's why nothing gets resolved.
So many people think that confrontation equals friendship over rather than confrontation to, you know, resolve a problem that you're having in the friendship.
So no one speaks up.
There's no communication and nothing changes and you still feel like shit.
I know that it can be very difficult to have these conversations with your friends where you speak up and you say, hey, my birthday was kind of disappointing, I'm gonna be honest, I'm a little disappointed and it was kind of hurtful to have to spend it alone.
I know that you don't wanna have that conversation and I know that you're afraid that confrontation will lead to an argument that will lead to a friendship breakup.
I do still encourage you to have these conversations with your friends.
I think it's important though, how you bring it up.
I think you should consider your tone when you bring it up.
You never want to go into a conversation guns blazing and super aggressive because it's never going to end good.
The person on the receiving side is always going to feel like they're in an attack mode and they have to defend themselves.
And that's not what you're having this conversation for.
You're going into that conversation with the hopes of coming out of it, feeling supported, not feeling like you just lost your friend.
So if you're feeling disappointed with how your birthday was and you feel like your friends or your loved ones didn't show up for you If you're gonna have that conversation, don't go into it being like you made me feel like shit You weren't a good friend.
You didn't show up for me instead You can just go into it and be honest and be like look I had a really hard day I spent my birthday alone and it was really difficult and after spending my birthday alone I am now realizing how important it is to me to have a special day for myself and be surrounded by people that I love, so do you think that maybe next weekend we can get dinner and catch up and celebrate my birthday?" Or you know, moving forward in the future for my birthday, can we you know plan something out so I don't feel like this again.
Obviously everyone's different, but if my friend had come to me and said, hey my birthday wasn't the best and I kind of expected more and I really want my birthday to be special next year, I'm going to pull out all the tricks next year i'm gonna make sure to make their birthday feel so special next year a lot of the time people will tell you exactly what they want and how they want to be loved you're just not listening because you're so focused on what you want it's like girls with their boyfriends a girl will tell their boyfriend over and over again i want flowers i want you to call me pretty
and then they don't do that and then they're like i just don't know what you want you never tell me what you want it's like i told you i told you i want flowers and i told you i want you to call pretty.
People tell you what they want.
People tell you what they expect.
You're just not listening.
So if your friend's saying to you, next year I want to go out to dinner or I want to throw a birthday party or I want to do a girls trip.
Just listen, like that's what they want.
You don't have to like throw an extravagant birthday party or spend your life savings on a special weekend for them.
But like just showing that you've tried and that you care is more than enough.
They just want to feel important.
And they're literally telling you, this is how you could help me feel important," so like if that person matters to you, I think just putting in a little effort and treating them the way that you would want to be treated on your special day go such a long way.
Most of the time, people are going to show up for you if you're showing up for them so like if birthdays aren't important to you, make sure you make your friend's special day special for them and they'll do the same for you and if they don't, then it's time to have conversation of like, hey, girliepop!
It would be really appreciated if you showed up for me a little more and if they don't then maybe that's not your girl.
Maybe that friendship has run its course and it's shown you that you're more of a giver than a receiver and that's not something that you can do at this point in your life.
I also think it's important to remind yourself to not beg.
If you're telling someone exactly how you feel, what you want, what you expect, how you to be treated and they still can't show up for you in that way or at least show you that they're trying, stop expecting it.
Stop expecting someone to show up for you the way that you show up for them.
I saw this analogy on Tik Tok where it's like, don't order something that's not on the menu.
If you're at a restaurant and there's no chicken strips on the menu, why are you expecting the kitchen to bring out chicken strips?
If you're telling your loved ones exactly what you want and they consistently do not give you what you want.
They've never been able to give you what you want.
Why are you expecting them all of a sudden to give you what you want?
If every year you tell people that your birthday is important to you and that you would like for them to show up for you and they don't, why do you expect every single year to be different?
If you listen to the episode where I talk about crying on my birthday, we know that I struggle when it comes to my birthday, especially as an I just feel like I've always been the friend who put a lot of thought into other people's birthdays but I don't get the same energy back and It used to really bug me and I used to really struggle when it came to my birthday I would just dread my birthday because it became this pattern of like Hoping for my birthday to be special and then my birthday coming and everything just falling through and people not showing up for me But the past few years I've been
doing things to make my birthday special that doesn't rely on other people.
So one thing that I really recommend if you're someone who feels like people can never come through for your birthday and you feel like you're gonna spend it alone, is instead of looking at your birthday as I'm gonna be alone and my birthday's gonna suck, reframe it as I'm gonna be alone so I get to spend my birthday by myself and do solo activities.
I can drive around and go get all the free birthday goodies.
There are so many stores and restaurants that give you free goodies for your birthday and it would be a shame for those to go to waste.
I make my rounds to Jersey Mike's you got a free sandwich. Dunkin' for free coffee.
Moes for a free burrito.
Sephora and Ulta for a free mini gift. It's usually like makeup or skincare.
Red Robbins you got a free burger.
I'm having a brain fart.
I can't think of anywhere else but like literally I don't wanna just go into stores and be like, hey, it's my birthday.
Do you got anything for me?
Like, it's my birthday and no one's hanging out with me.
All my friends bailed on me.
Just like make stores and restaurants feel guilty.
They make enough money.
They'll give you something.
That's one thing I look forward to.
I think if you are used to spending your birthday alone and you're used to being let down, make birthday traditions so you have something to look forward to every single year.
That might be going around and getting all your free goodies or buying yourself a cake where you eat it all to yourself and you don't feel guilty or you take yourself to the spa or you take yourself on a shopping date one thing that I started last year that I'm so grateful that I can do now that I have like real adult money is I will splurge on like a little trip for my friends and me or like my fiance and me so last year I got my two friends and I a hotel room at the Ocean House in Rhode Island that's like right next to Taylor Swift's house.
The rooms for one night at Ocean House are insanely expensive.
I would've never expected my friends to drop money on something like that for me but I knew that I wanted to go and I also wanted to treat my friends so I did that and it was just such a good experience.
So we stayed overnight, it's right on the beach. If you know Ocean House you know.
It's so, so nice. We did a sound bath meditation.
We went out to dinner.
It was just like the most chill birthday and it was so fun.
And then this year I booked a little getaway weekend for my fiance and I and like of course, he would spend the money on that but it's one of those things where it's like I want to do something that's like luxurious and expensive and just because I have expensive taste doesn't mean that the people in my life should fund it.
I just don't want to have another birthday where I feel disappointed and I wish that I was doing something else.
Like if I have the means to do something I should just do it.
So that's something that I want to continue doing every year like just splurging on myself and then having the people that I love be around me.
Like all I want for my birthday is for people to show up for me.
Literally their physical - like them, their presence is all I want.
I don't need them to spend money on me.
I don't need this whole big thing.
I just want them there.
Although it's important to be clear with people in your life.
What you want and being clear with your expectations.
I've just learned that begging for people to do what you want them to do and kind of guilting them into treating you the way you want never works.
I think that if you want your birthday to be a special day, you should make it a special day.
You don't have to wait for other people to do that for you.
Of course you want them to.
of course you want the people in your life to show up for you and to care about your special day, but just because they don't doesn't mean that your day has to be ruined and that you have to spend all day at home crying and like thinking about how no one cares about you.
You don't have to wait around for other people to show up for you or to plan your birthday.
You can do that for yourself.
I think if you have all of these expectations for other people, you should have expectations for yourself.
Like if you're expecting your friends and your family to be there for you and to your day special you should have those expectations times 10 for yourself I spent so much of my time whether it was on my birthday or leading up to my birthday or after my birthday just like crying and thinking about how bad my birthday was when it's like it didn't have to be like that like if I had just planned for myself if I was intentional and I did things that I know I enjoy doing, I would have had a good birthday.
So I think if you're someone who knows your birthday is going to be disappointing or if you are planning to spend your birthday alone this year, I think that you should do some planning for yourself.
Think about what would make you happy.
What would you like to be doing?
Or think about like what would I like to be doing with other people?
What am I asking my friends to do?
Maybe you're asking your friends to go to the movies with you or to go shopping with you.
If they can't that doesn't mean that you can't, like that's something that you want to do and you can do that with or without them.
Go to the movies alone!
Go and take yourself out shopping.
Go and take yourself out on a solo date.
Like go get lunch, go get your nails done, go get a massage.
You are so capable of giving yourself the love that you give to everyone else and that you are expecting from everyone else and once you are able to give that to yourself you're You're not gonna feel the need to ask others for it.
Of course, you still want to have people around on your birthday.
Of course, you want your friends and your family to wish you a happy birthday, but you don't need it.
It's not going to affect your day if they don't.
Just because people make you feel like your birthday's insignificant doesn't mean that it is.
And just because people make you feel like you aren't important doesn't mean that you aren't important.
Like, you just need to start acting like you are.
You need to start acting like your birthday is special.
And the sooner that you act like that, sooner it's gonna become that.
So with that being said i'm going to make my birthday my bitch. It's going to be so fun.
I'm so excited to spend the weekend with my fiance.
I'll keep you guys updated on how it goes and everything that we did and I hope that you enjoyed today's episode, I hope that you were able to relate to it or I hope that you felt heard and understood.
I know that birthdays can be really hard, especially when you're surrounded by people that don't know what it's like to have a hard birthday when you're around people that are always being showered with love and support and you're like fuck I wish that was me but I know how it feels to feel like no one sees you.
So I just hope you know that I do see you, well I don't see you, you see me.
But I know how you feel and I hope you know that you're never alone I'm sure any of the thoughts that you've had I've probably had them too because a bitch likes to think and a bitch is emotional.
But that's the episode, I hope you enjoyed.
If you're watching on YouTube, make sure to give a like and subscribe.
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And if you're on Spotify, leave a comment and let me know what you thought of today's episode.
That's everything. I love you and I can't wait to talk to you next Monday.
I will see you then guys, love you.
Isabella's in the background, what's up baby?
you
