Hello, my name's Bill Burr.
And I feel good about being Conan O'Brien's friend, but I feel this is a little red flag, that might be a little narcissist, that I got to fucking say why I'm his friend every time.
I feel like I've already answered this question.
I'm called a bottomless hole.
There's no filling this.
Every time you're going to have to repeat.
Gee, what is that like?
Fall is here.
Hear the yell Back to school, ring the bell.
Brand new shoes, walkin' blues, Climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Yes, I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
Hey there, welcome to.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
Sitting here with Sona Mosessian and a giggling, I don't know why, Matt Gourley.
It's the way I introduce the show, so just get over it.
You can't giggle every single time.
I can't get over it because every time it's hilarious.
It's like a nosebleed of change of environment.
You go from welcome to hi and welcome to the show.
I'm a professional broadcaster.
Yeah.
OK.
And I have a question.
And this is a serious question, which is, can I become flexible at my age?
I mean, physically flexible.
And this is something I've been thinking about a lot lately because I know people do yoga and stuff.
I am a particularly tight, tight assed gentleman of a later vintage lifestyle.
You see me all the time trying to stretch it out, don't you, Sona?
I think your body is capable of it.
I don't think your mind is capable of it.
Be honest.
I'm being very honest.
Sounds honest to me.
I think your body can become flexible if you work at it, but you're also so tightly wound, you're just like
No, but you see me trying, right?
I do see you trying.
I do a lot of, like, squats and bends, and I'm trying.
And I was doing a live show with Tig Notaro once and I was backstage just trying to stretch before I go out and she had the microphone and could see me and was just calling me out in front of the whole audience.
Like, Conan's doing these stupid stretches that you will in no way... It was hilarious.
Of course, she's hilarious.
I'm kind of fascinated with this idea that I think there's part of me that thinks, because of what I come from, this very tightly wound, I don't know.
Boston Catholic, whatever you want to do,
Sure.
And then my own propensities that it's never going to happen.
And then there are days where I think, no, I could do this.
I could do this.
I could become a flexible person.
But then I think there's another school of thought.
No, if you're not flexible at the age I'm at now, you can look it up on Google away.
I don't think that's true.
And I'm sorry, do you want to be flexible just to be flexible?
Or to what end?
Is there a sport you want to play?
I'd like to become a sexual athlete.
Oh, dear.
A sexual athlete?
No, no.
What I would like to do is, yeah, I just, I don't want to stiffen up as I get older.
Unless you're wearing some, like, Yeah.
And I'm bringing it up today because, as you know, I'm still displaced, whatever.
Very fortunate to still have my place.
But I do sometimes just pick clothes out of the back of my car.
And today I picked this stuff out and I realized I basically wore what you would wear to like a gym today, which I rarely do.
I usually like to dress.
Can you stand up?
Yeah, sure.
I think it looks like you're in the Hunger Games.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is this.
My wife got these for my son.
He didn't want them.
And I put them on.
And then I realized they're uncomfortable.
I know we should be.
There is this weird cross hatching.
It looks to me like I'm on the set of Logan's Run, the TV show from or Tron.
Right.
Right.
This is not me.
I never do this.
But you're just missing a headband.
Yeah.
But because I'm wearing this, I do feel there's a little bit of an 80s vibe.
But also because I'm wearing this, when you wear clothes like this, you start doing stretches.
And it was on my mind because I started doing stretches today out in the main room where everybody is.
And I got on the floor and other people.
RJ.
RJ.
RJ, who works here at the podcast.
He told me he's been stretching like on a professional level since he was five.
Yeah.
What?
He stretches an hour a day.
He stretches an hour a day.
And here's the thing, he can't stand.
He's so relaxed and loose.
I admire that.
No, no.
He's brought into work in a bowl, like gazpacho.
And they pour him into his seat and he does his work.
But no, he's very impressive.
He's super physically fit.
I think he's a black belt.
He is a black belt.
He's like a multi-degree black belt in taekwondo.
I take back my reaction.
You should.
Maybe we should get him in here.
He's probably out there.
Is RJ out there?
Can RJ come in?
Because I'm very impressed with RJ.
And you know what?
A lot of people work here.
I'm not impressed with a lot of them.
I literally go around looking, is there someone here who I'm impressed with?
Please, have a seat.
Hi, RJ.
Hey, guys.
So, RJ, I should be asking you this question.
First of all, what is your actual position here at the show?
So, I'm Adam's executive assistant.
Right.
And I do a lot of stuff for basically whatever Adam asks for.
I just kind of do it.
Okay.
That's the easiest way of saying it.
That's kind of sinister.
Yeah, that sounds... Dead bodies.
I saw you the other day breaking into an ATM with a crowbar.
He asked for money.
I know, I know.
And he said, I don't want to use a card.
Anyone can use a card.
Use this crowbar.
We were talking the other day, you mentioned stretching.
It's been in the back of my head.
And then today, before I know it, I'm on the ground, you're on the ground and you're showing me these different stretches.
And you did one where your hips basically just flattened out like a spatchcocked chicken.
And I was like, my hips will never do that.
I would need an operation.
But they will.
No, no, no, no.
So we were doing frog pose and it just it takes time.
The thing with flexibility is you can't force it at first.
You kind of have to let your body ease into it.
And then, once your body can ease into it, that's when we figure out how to contract muscles in a certain way.
Yeah.
And then when it lets go, when you let it go, then you fall forward.
Sona will tell you because Sona has spent many years observing me.
She watches how I wash makeup off.
Oh, my God.
She watches how I brush my teeth and I could start a fire on my face.
Everything I do is I don't want to say everything, but like quick and hard, like let's get this done.
And there's a self-loathing involved in it.
So stretching is the antithesis to all of that.
And it's breathing.
It's a lot.
And yeah, just being calm and patient.
And just kind of toes without bending your legs.
Um, if my, I'm going to say if I had an operation, if I had an operation where my knees were removed and my feet were presented to me.
That's how I am.
No, I am.
Uh, my problem is, of course, I have a.
I have a little bit of an unusual build very long legs, shorter torso, proportionally.
So yeah, if I really lean for a while, yes, I can get down there.
I can't even do that.
Well, you're a mess.
I mean, I don't know.
I do think it takes time.
I think you get sometimes impatient.
You're like, I want to be flexible now.
But you have to just like take your time with it.
Maybe.
Can you be patient?
Here's my question is, RJ, would you be willing?
I shift you away from your responsibilities with Adam, because whatever shit you're doing for him, he can do for himself.
And you just become my full-time stretch guru.
Yo, that'd be great.
Let's do it.
We'll both dress how you're dressing today.
We'll do it.
Oh, really?
We'll both dress like a guy from an early 80s space television sci-fi show.
Okay uh yeah, i do i i'm, i'm into this.
I want to try it.
I want to try and become more flexible.
Yeah, i want to evolve.
This is something i'm saying as a serious thing.
I i am interested in this concept that i can keep evolving, that i can keep changing in certain ways.
Uh, a lot of cool things have happened in the last 10 years that i didn't see coming, so why couldn't i become flexible?
I agree.
Yeah.
And I think you should definitely put the work into it and then be patient and breathe and chill.
No, I want RJ to do it.
I want him to do.
Is there any way that you can do all the stretching?
I'm not involved.
But then somehow, you know, I inherit all the benefits.
The inheriting part?
Probably not.
But I need somebody to be like my camera guy when I'm stretching.
Oh.
Like, don't ever see my hand photos.
I have.
He is, like, full, like, past splits.
It's amazing.
I know.
It's pretty incredible.
That's crazy.
But also, you started when you were five.
Yeah.
Really?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was really into martial arts.
The first thing I told my mom of what I wanted to be when I grew up was a Power Ranger.
Wow.
So then she got me into martial arts and I just stayed.
I ended up doing that for a little over 20 years.
To the point where you can take a Power Ranger now.
You can beat one.
Let's do it.
Let's find a Power Ranger.
I think I just joined like the evil side button.
There's probably one walking around Hollywood Boulevard.
Yeah.
And you're just going to start kicking his ass.
Poor guy's going to have like a fanny pack.
He's just trying to get money.
He just wants a tip.
He just wants a tip so he can take a selfie with you.
Suddenly he's getting wailed on by this red bearded martial artist.
Well, RJ, I'm very impressed by what you can do.
And I will I will try to learn from you.
I will try to absorb.
You are now my you are Yoda to my Mark Hamill in the second.
One of those things that later became our Empire Strikes Back.
Let's just honor the text was the second one.
And then I guess now it's actually the 15th.
Well, I'm with you on that.
How's flexibility of personality going?
Nope.
Is that in play at all?
Iron rod.
Maybe we evolve into a nicer person.
Yeah.
Maybe that's what we're... Who's going to listen to that podcast?
I know.
It's going to suck.
It'll suck.
Hey, let's go see the new Don Rickles.
He's really nice to the audience.
And he gives everybody some fruit salad.
Later.
Don Rickles is broke.
Thank you, RJ.
All right, guys, let's get into it.
My guest today, that's right, RJ's a redhead.
I'm a redhead.
My next guest today, also a redhead.
Hilarious comedian whose latest special, Bill Burr Drop Dead Years, premieres March 14th on Hulu.
He's also making his Broadway debut in Glengarry Glen Ross later this month.
I love this guy.
I'm thrilled he's with us today.
Bill Burr, welcome.
You and I have, we have a special connection.
I really believe that.
We're both gingers.
We both grew up-
We're sort of the... We're the spice in the stew.
That's what the gingers are.
We can't be next to each other.
Like, we're only allowed LA.
LA County only allows us to hang out once a year and have a dinner.
There's only two of us that are allowed to be together.
Two gingers from the Boston area that are incredibly a weird mixture of...
Bitterness, right?
I would have gone with anger first, but okay, we'll go bitterness, anger, confused.
I hide my anger, I think, or have in the past.
Don't I hide it better than Bill?
Oh, God.
Oh, yeah.
Children, don't I hide it when I'm smacking you in the station wagon?
Agree with all my points, or there will be a discussion afterwards.
But Sona, you've seen, and Matt, you guys have seen up close the Beast, right?
You've seen the Beast.
We have.
But for many years on television, I was a, quote, good guy.
But there was a Bill Burr inside me.
Always.
Always.
Yeah, I think there is.
Why do you got to put your anger on me?
I had nothing to do with you and whatever happened to you.
How do we know?
How do we know?
How do we know?
We were in the same area.
I know you're younger than me.
Well, you were older than me and you were always taller.
So, I mean, if anything happened, it was you.
You threw the ice ball at me or socked me down at Fitzy.
Something happened.
Stole the stereo out of my fucking shitbox car.
What do radio thieves do now?
I don't know.
I don't know what they do.
You're going to take the whole dashboard out and just walk around with this odd-shaped iPad?
Has anybody got a 2023 Mercedes?
Back in the day, you could steal a stereo and fit in everybody's fucking car.
Another job lost to AI.
Do you go back to reunions and things like that?
High school reunions?
I don't know if I told you this, but I went back to one of mine years ago, a high school reunion, and I was doing the late night show.
Well-known person.
I go back and this guy comes up to me and he goes hey, go on and remember the time That you and me busted into that liquor store down by the point and we stole all that booze.
But the cops came and we both took off and you went left and I went right and you got all the booze and then you drank it yourself.
And I'm listening.
I'm like, you have the wrong guy.
I have never had a parking violation in my life.
I didn't drink until I was like 26.
He's got the wrong guy.
But he inserted me into his story, and I thought, I bet that happens to you.
Unless, no, you were probably the guy that was stealing.
I don't understand how someone doesn't... Was it that six-foot-four ginger?
Or was... I mean, how many of you were out there?
Right.
Yeah.
There was that guy I went to high school with who looked like Jane Lynch.
I couldn't remember.
I think I committed a crime with him.
No.
I went to high school with... I had a really cool grade.
Like, everybody... Like, it was funny.
It was sort of like...
Everybody, by my senior year, everybody was sort of collectively partying with each other.
So there wasn't.
Like you know, you had the cliques, the jocks, you had the people that took woodshop, the you know the burnouts or whatever.
And then just the background people like me.
And then by the end of it, we all we used to go down this place, Dan Road, which was this industrial park that was slowly being built, taking over the woods or anything.
But they had like all of these dirt roads back there and these burnt up cars for insurance and shit.
We used to drive down there.
And every weekend the party just kept getting bigger and bigger and everybody was sort of high and drunk and just kind of got along with each other.
So I've only been to one high school reunion.
I went to my 25th, and I had a great time.
But because I do stand-up, I go around and I run in.
A lot of people come out to my shows, so I kind of have this never-ending sort of high school reunion, which is cool.
When they hit me up or whatever, I always end up talking to them backstage and shit and I get freaked out about how old their kids are versus mine.
You got young kids.
Yep.
Eight and four and a half.
Wow.
Okay.
My kids are in their late fifties.
Children.
They have sciatica.
You started a little bit late too, and I'm still way behind you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're way behind me.
You know, I watched your special.
In many areas.
Yes.
I, exactly.
Don't rub it in.
I watched your special, Drop Dead Years.
Yeah.
Loved it.
And I know it's coming out.
When's it coming out?
I want to make sure I get it.
It's out right now.
Okay.
We're taping this a little beforehand.
We're taping this in 1974.
1974.
Very excited about the Red Sox next year, the 75 Red Sox.
It should be amazing.
And I'm glad that busing crisis is finally over.
Oh, finally, yeah.
No more racism.
No more racism in Boston.
And I'm looking forward to that story just sort of disappearing.
Yeah.
So Boston can move forward.
Yeah.
Boston will be fine.
Yeah.
No, but I watched your special and you talk about going to the funeral of a friend.
First of all, it's a very, very funny.
I feel it's a redundant saying Bill Burr had a really funny standup special.
Why is it so hard for you to say that about me?
I said it twice.
I just root against you.
You know I root against you.
You couldn't even open your eyes.
All right, I'm admitting he said something that was mildly amusing.
Bill Burr has achieved some success.
Another ginger from Boston.
There's only room for one.
Just what I needed.
But I watched your special and it's fantastic.
You talk about losing a friend and going to the funeral.
And of course, you have some very funny observations about that, but it opens up.
It feels like you're opening up a little more in this special about your personal life and some of your struggles.
And it's fantastic.
Oh, thank you.
I kind of you know I was of that belief, as most people that come from the East Coast that you know your, your anger and shit is like your security blanket.
And then and it's it's made you who you are.
It's why you're funny.
It's why you have character.
It's all of this stuff.
And if you for some reason let go of this and actually enjoy life, or maybe take responsibility for your actions and see your how your behavior affects other people.
Uh, for some reason, that's going to be like the undoing of you.
Like uh, you know there's a lot.
I don't know about your how you came up, but like in standup there was a lot of stuff out there.
Don't get married.
Don't have kids basically don't find happiness.
That is, um, the kryptonite to comedy.
And I, I found that it's, it's, that's not true.
And it's Really the opposite is, once you kind of, you know, get yourself to a new place, you can kind of revisit a lot of shit that you talked about with like a new, like sort of point of view of it.
So, yeah, no, I'm listening.
But believe me, I've only gone up like one flight of the Empire State Building.
That is my messed up personality.
So, you know, this is the the eternal question.
Mm hmm.
And it's one I've thought about in comedy, which is you can be funny or you can be happy.
And I really believed in that dichotomy.
And I remember years ago living in L.A. and stating that.
Getting molested.
Doing the things you had to do to get a late night talk show.
Come on, it's out there now.
All right.
It's better when you say it.
Conan, say the name.
We all did what we had to do.
You know, I'm here now.
It was a different time.
Different time.
A lot of couches.
You know what?
No one wanted me on a couch.
Right?
I mean, let's just be honest.
Not even your therapist.
No one.
Yeah.
No one was like, I got to get me a piece of that Conan.
But featherless ostrich.
Yeah.
Why?
Why do I invite you back?
I don't know.
It's not right.
Oh my God.
But to your point, I really did believe that that was a choice you had to make and I was okay with being miserable, being miserable and uh, i thought it made me tough.
Yeah, i thought all of that stuff, like you know uh, you know, and all the movies that you watch, they just they they, they made you believe.
And i remember i watched the dirty dozen.
I watched the dirty dozen and there's that scene where they have to shave in cold water and we ain't shaving and blah, blah.
So i was sitting there thinking like oh, tough guys shaving cold water.
And i shaved in cold water for like seven years i As like a fucking dental assistant and stand up comedian.
And like it was like just something that I it was a subconscious thing that it was all of this stuff had happened to me.
So you just always thought this.
Yeah, I can't.
You got to get tougher.
You got to get tougher.
You got to get tougher.
So all of this stuff that's happening to me, I won't feel it.
And what I was really doing was I was I was walling myself off.
And it was so funny.
And there was a lot of information out there about people like being walled off and all of that.
And I would just watch them fascinated, like, how the fuck do you not know what you're feeling?
Not even realizing that I was the exact same way.
And yeah, no, it's mushrooms.
Mushrooms turn me around.
I had one mushroom trip.
And it sort of woke me up.
I've had people tell me I should do that.
I've never done that.
And I also have a long way to go.
I'll admit that.
I think I've made progress.
You can be honest.
I really do think you have.
And I think mushrooms might be good for you.
You've always thought pot would be good for me.
I did.
Yes, I do.
Pots are depressing.
Pot is like, I don't know.
Weed isn't weed anymore.
I mean, that shit was like, yeah, these people came over for fucking Thanksgiving, right?
Why can't it just be Thanksgiving?
Because you know something?
It's how I grew up talking.
Okay, okay.
I'm just saying.
I don't mean it in a bad way.
I went to my fucking kid's christening.
Yeah, I know.
I know, sorry.
So I had some friends over for what is arguably, I feel, the best holiday.
Uh-huh.
See, this is what I really feel, but I said fucking Thanksgiving, but I really love Thanksgiving.
Uh-huh.
Because, yeah, it's a nice hang, and you don't have to buy anything at Christmas.
No.
I can't stop looking at that camera.
Who doesn't like a fucking turkey?
I don't know why.
Who doesn't like some fucking giblets and gravy?
Yeah.
As he sips his dainty little coffee.
Ice coffee.
I had to get rid of the straw.
I'm not evolved enough as a man that I can drink out of a straw and still feel all right about myself.
I just think of it as an aluminum dick.
Just doing my part to show that I'm an ally.
Can't wait to take another sip.
Oh, my God.
Oh, come on.
This episode is called Conan Swallows.
Anyway.
What was I talking about?
So I had some people over for Thanksgiving.
This guy, he has a joint, right?
So I'll take a couple of hits, whatever.
I go, what is this?
And he told me, he goes, it's a nice afternoon sativa, right?
So then that's like the wind was just blowing past. through my non-existent hair.
So I go, all right.
So I took three of the hits off of that thing and I just wasn't at Thanksgiving anymore.
I mean, I was like there.
I was like, my wife just, people kept talking to me.
My wife just kept going, he's useless.
He's useless.
You got to wait a couple hours.
It's so powerful, yeah.
No, I'm not.
It's too late for me.
That's why I ended up texting you some of the jokes a few days later.
That thing where we were doing the thing, me and this other guy were high out of our minds.
And nobody in this industry has been buying anything since the strike.
But they're taking meetings, wasting your time.
So we were like, we should waste their time back.
We were just pitching sequels to perfect movies that didn't need a sequel.
And my favorite was two flew over the cuckoo's nest.
This time he's keeping the sink.
And it's all about the Indian guy.
After he throws it, he picks the sink up and he's running with it.
And Tommy Lee Jones is chasing him.
It's just basically comes to fugitive.
You merge fugitive.
Yeah.
And my favorite part was he's standing near the waterfall.
And he's like, this sink means a lot to me.
And Tommy Lee Jones is like, I don't care.
I don't care.
So I opened that up to my podcast.
Listeners to regular people are so fucking funny now because they're pitching jokes.
And so now they're funny.
Somebody had the best one wrote a sequel to Schindler's List.
It was called Schindler's Wrist.
It's about the carpal tunnel Schindler got writing the list and the therapy.
And it's just this?
And the therapy.
And the therapy that happened.
And the movie just ends with him being like, yeah, it feels pretty good.
Just totally anticlimactic.
How you feeling, Schindler?
I gotta say, pretty good.
Pretty good.
You're a wizard.
You're a wizard.
Well, you've changed your life a lot, right?
You've cleaned up your act a little bit.
I mean, I feel I have.
Yeah.
My wife, I don't know.
I just don't know if I'm ever going to get over that hump.
First of all, I love your wife.
Listen, enough about you and your private desires.
I'm just saying, we live in an experimental age.
We live at a time when- Hey, man, you're sucking an aluminum dick.
Hey, and I have no shame about it.
I got to tell you, the second- Hold on a second.
The second the tie comes off, I'm telling you, man, he becomes a different guy.
Yeah, it was always a clip on my wife.
My wife is is yeah, she's the best she's you got.
You guys came over for dinner and uh, she's fantastic and i and, and i feel i accomplished the same thing.
I found the right person.
I found someone who is on me.
Uh understands me.
Uh does not let me get away with shit.
Sometimes she lets me get away with a little just because she's like uh, let him go.
Yeah, just let Let him blow out the lines a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Let him go.
But yeah, Nia's amazing.
Yeah, she is.
You know just when you're fucked up, like me, I do need.
The one big thing in our thing is I had to let it go.
I need an attaboy every once in a while.
Okay.
You can't just every fucking day be reading me the riot act.
I mean, I know I'm a fucked up guy and I know that I'm difficult to live with, but every once in a while you know I did make waffles this morning
You know, I don't remember that being brought up.
No one says attaboy anymore, by the way.
Is that just expected?
Yeah, attaboy.
No one says attaboy?
No, no one says attaboy.
How about there you go?
There you go, Conan.
There you go.
You did it.
Look at you.
It becomes real passive.
Look at big boy over here.
It becomes real passive aggressive.
There you go.
There you go.
Look at you.
Must be nice.
Must be nice.
I got that one.
I got that one from somebody who's completely fucked up their life.
He goes, oh, yeah, you know, you're out there in L.A. doing things.
Christmas is coming up.
You got money for gifts.
Must be nice.
Must be nice.
And I'm just like, yeah, it is.
Life is pretty good when you're not doing drugs, getting fired every two weeks.
Also, I'm sorry.
This guy is coming to you with a real low bar.
Oh, you know... Oh, no, that was it.
That was it.
Must be nice.
That was it.
Must be nice.
You got some sneakers you can put on your feet.
Oh, that was... It was building towards that, you know.
I mean, yeah.
Yeah, it's just...
It just was one of those things.
And I always told him.
I said listen dude, if you're in a hole, if you're reaching up, I'll try to pull you out.
But if you're face down in it, digging it deeper every day, I'm not fucking, I'm not getting involved in that.
And he just couldn't get his head around that.
And then he'd go, I don't know.
The last time I talked to him, he goes, I've been working out.
I've been working out.
I go, oh, that's great.
I thought he was turning his life around.
He lost a fight to his son.
Wait, that was his workout?
He came at his son and lost?
No.
He was working out because he lost a fight to his son.
So he's like, oh, man, I got to lay off this shit.
It's just fucking.
No, but that's one of the things, too.
That's the craziest motivation for I got to hit the gym.
I'm signing up.
Hey, well, what made you come in?
Well, I'm fighting my 17-year-old son, and he got the better of me.
So that was my wake-up call that I need to work out so I can beat the shit out of him.
Right, and people always say like, why are so many people from Massachusetts funny?
And I always go like, because that is the kind of person you run into all the time.
And he said that without a bit of funny, it wasn't supposed to be weird or anything.
He was just straight up talking to me going like, yeah, man, he's strong now.
I mean, he actually like knocked me down and stuff.
So you know, I've been doing the curls and it's just like do you ever think it?
Just like maybe going out to like have a cup of coffee and figure out what's going on with you guys.
Like, I don't think you want you really want to you want to fight your son.
I don't think he wants to fight you.
I know.
I know.
I know.
But still, you know, just like, you know, it's one of those.
I don't know.
I go back to another thing, too.
I always remember when you were in Massachusetts, as people would always.
Oh, you know, that guy.
Oh, dude, that guy's a character.
He's a character.
And everybody is like this, like it's like they're very uninhibited.
And they get into like these habits and these things that they do.
And they don't realize like how colorful they are.
And it's not until you travel and you go back and you just come back to Massachusetts.
You go to like, I don't know what it's like now because like sports is like so, I don't know.
I can't stand the direction that it went into.
But when I used to go to like tailgates at the fucking Pats game, you know, when you were like drinking on Route 1, we used to park in this guy's backyard.
And then you walk down train tracks active, fucking train tracks.
People walking holding hands with kids.
And then you would go up the under Route 1, up the thing and then walk in.
And just the shit that you saw.
The stuff that people said.
It was a comedy show from all the way.
People trying to be funny, people not being just being who they were.
You get to your section before the giant, you know, fucking screens took over.
Yeah.
There was a class clown in every fucking section.
Yeah.
And I used to try to be that guy.
And sometimes I was.
And then there was sometimes it'd be a guy funnier than me.
And then I would just be entertained by him.
And that happened at Red Sox games, Bruins games, big time Celtics, all of those things.
And I think, like these TV screens and all of this shit that they have now, it's just like crowd control.
Like the second, there's a stoppage of play.
That's like you know.
They got these dumb races and your section has to root for it.
To like win a T-shirt and shit.
It's...
It's dumb.
I was of the era where my brother and I would go down to Fenway Park without it.
Just would think, hey, let's go watch a Red Sox game.
And we'd walk down and you could get bleacher seats.
Oh yeah, for like eight bucks.
Yeah, and we would get bleacher seats and we would sit in the bleachers.
No planning, no, like we got tickets.
And we would go and we'd sit up there.
And what they did was they hired.
This is back when the Red Sox- They'd stand on Conan's shoulders and then hold himself up over the green monster.
What's happening up there, Luke?
Hey, Luke, who's ahead?
The Reds are giving us a shellacking.
And then the beginning of his comedy career.
Hey, you guys were supposed to pull me up.
Fuck you, you fucking red-headed cunt.
Hey, that's the title of my autobiography.
That was supposed to be a surprise, Random House, next year.
Fuck you, you fucking redheaded cunt.
I was doing a pre-promotion for it.
Thank you.
No, but we would sit in the bleachers and what was hilarious was they used to hire, like football players, these massive linebackers from, I think BU, and they would
You know guys with massive necks and they were the crowd control, but not professional crowd control.
Their job was just if anything got out of line, if they saw some people like having a little too much to drink and maybe getting into it, starting to fight a little bit.
These guys with massive necks from BU would go running up and they would wail out people and that was more.
We went to watch that more than we could watch the game.
Well, the art of bouncing back then it was nobody knew how to de-escalate a situation, it was all just ramping it up.
Yes, i still remember i was doing this gig at nick's comedy stop and downstairs was a nightclub and i still remember the night.
These guys, they kicked this dude out and i don't know if this guy ever walked again.
They basically it was a dance floor.
You know you're in there.
It's super fucking loud.
You know bell biv devoe era, like that shit was playing you know poise or something.
And then you just heard this commotion and I looked over and I think it was two bouncers and they had just grabbed this guy, picked him up and started running full speed with them and there's like innocent people there and the crowd just parted like that and they had him like nine feet in the air and the door jam is like eight And they were both running like a 440 with this guy.
And like from the middle of his back to the back of his head, just slammed into this metal thing.
And he folded it like a chair, just threw him out onto Warrington Street.
I remember everyone like, I like that you can't get through this without laughing.
That's the most Boston part of this.
So anyway, his spine is severed.
No, but now, like there was like no cameras.
So it's just like like if you ever did that today, forget about there being cameras.
The owner of the club would be like dude, I'm gonna have a lawsuit every fucking weekend.
You guys are fired.
So they just threw that.
Everybody was like oh, and then everybody just went oh, and then the music's still playing and like it was the funniest thing ever as far as like it took a good minute for relaxed dancing to happen again.
It was kind of like that is bell bibbed to vote.
No, it was definitely like the tone and set.
I'll never be like they.
They must, and then they must have done that more than once because they were working together.
They just grabbed the guy.
I knew a guy that was a bouncer.
He said sometimes we would just walk up to somebody just to start a fight and we just walk up to him be like hey man, you got to get out of here and they would.
They didn't do anything and they would just do it hoping that they would, because they you know, a lot of guys were on juice back then and it was you know, it wasn't the cream that they have now, that also has like a suntan lotion or whatever, a sunscreen in it, whatever these guys have now.
That's what I use.
It was, it was the horse tranquilizer shit.
So they like wanted to get into fights.
And, uh, I somehow, I avoided all of that.
I avoided all of that shit.
Like past a certain age, I just stopped.
I was like, these guys have like people getting their fucking ears bit off and stuff.
You know, I knew this guy, like, you know, he's like his party trick.
He would eat a light bulb.
Oh yeah.
Gums bleeding, smiling at you.
It's just like, yeah, these guys, these guys, it was a better time.
These guys are on another level.
I'm just going to stick to the comedy.
And yeah, there was some really interesting... There was a lot of characters back then.
A lot of characters.
It was funny.
You did this special in Seattle.
I almost sensed you love to go to a place where you feel like you're not just going to.
You could
You go to certain places where you're just going to get, where you know what their attitude is and you know you're going to get unconditional love.
Obviously, you have a lot of fans in Seattle, but you go there, I think, because you want to challenge some of what Seattle may stand for right now in some ways,
Is that possible?
Well, I did what I did in Seattle because of collectively the way they think.
But like if I did it in Utah, I would have did it a different way.
Yes, exactly.
It would have been the same thing to kind of like, you know, like mess with them a little bit.
But you like the pushback.
You enjoy it.
Yeah, because the thing I can't...
I don't want to- It's the cold shave for you.
There's part of you that wants to go someplace, and you did this for years on my show, which was why I always loved you.
But you would have the take that wasn't the comfortable take that everyone would applaud at.
You would always want to put yourself in a situation where you weren't- Push people away.
Yeah, that's what i'm doing.
No, but no.
But it was hilarious and uh, i think something that's quite unusual about you.
Well, the reason why i i love the city and then that theater for me is a funny place, because everyone talks about, like nirvana, that they were the ones that knocked off the metal bands, off the top 10 on mtv, and it was.
It was really, i felt, when pearl jam put out that video and eddie vetter climbed up at the moore theater and dropped down into the crowd and it was like Okay, so that Nirvana thing wasn't a fluke.
There's more of these bands.
And it was like the first time that I felt like old.
You know, I was about 23.
There was no more exciting birthdays.
You know, 16, you get your license.
18, you're an adult.
21, you can drink.
22, you graduate college.
This was the first kind of like... oh, now I just go, all right, bye, good luck with your life.
We're watching these people.
And it was just funny to me to go back to that place where that happened, because it took me forever to like that band.
And now I like them, but it took me forever because I was just like, fuck those guys.
Wait, Pearl Jam?
What was your beef with Pearl Jam?
They knocked Warrant off.
It was so stupid.
Because you liked Warrant?
It wasn't that.
It wasn't what they represented was I wasn't young anymore.
It was the end.
Listen, even I knew when all of those W bands were coming in that this is like the end of this shit.
But there was also still some, like, I'll tell you this.
What's their face?
Oh, my God.
I'm flaking on the name here.
When they did Monkey Business, Sebastian Bach.
Oh, Skid Row.
Skid Row.
Yeah.
Dude, them live on SNL. doing monkey business or whatever.
I'll put that up against anybody.
Sebastian Bach and the whole band sounded fucking unreal.
But the whole industry at that point was already moving on to grunge and it's a killer album.
So there was still, you know, any genre, there's going to be like awful versions of that.
But like, that was just my first experience of like, oh, wow, this is like over.
You know, so that's kind of why I picked that theater to do it.
Cause it was funny to me like to come back to this place that remind, and then you know, drop dead years, this whole mortality thing that I was thinking.
You talk about.
You say there's these ages when men not women, men just drop dead, and you say it's 49 to 61.
Yeah.
And anything after that, you're just looking at a prolonged illness.
No, you got it.
But you say that's the age.
That's this window.
And he said, it doesn't happen.
It's really funny.
I don't want to blow your special.
I want people to watch it.
These are the years I'm in.
So I've got to make sure I go to the hot doctor and I got to make sure I watch what I eat, dude.
And then you know, then you can make it to that, to that next level, where you know you're that old guy at the golf club talking about how they just took your gallbladder out, and you know, just talking about what ails you.
I can never be that guy.
I've tried so many times to get into golf.
I just cannot fucking do it.
I don't do it.
I tried it once and I thought it's going to take so much work for me to be very bad that I want to put that time into maybe getting a little better at guitar.
Like that was my inspiration.
And nobody seems to be enjoying it.
Like, he's talking about, anybody goes, you know, first four holes were good.
And then all of a sudden, I couldn't have my fucking driver.
And then it's like, why would you keep doing this?
And it takes forever.
And it's mind-numbingly, like, boring.
It's just, I like watching pros do it.
I like that my friends enjoy doing it.
But I would rather go do shit.
Yeah.
I'd rather go play drums, ride a motorcycle, fly a helicopter.
Like, why wouldn't you do that as opposed to fucking say, what do you think, 112 yards?
What do you think?
What are you going?
You going seven, eight iron?
And they got their fucking sniper scope.
It's so fucking, it's so dumb.
It's so dumb.
It's like all you guys need to go home and either get divorced or work on your marriage because there is nothing.
Nothing is happening here.
This is, it's like a library.
Like you got, it's like the whole, it's so quiet.
Shh, shh, all of this shit.
It's just bad.
It's just bad.
And everybody with the wacky.
You either wear really wacky clothes, like you're in a Three Stooges sketch, or you dress like you're, you know, Tiger Woods adjacent, or whatever.
Oh, he's a scratch golfer.
That guy, that guy's a scratch golfer.
How is he?
That's amazing.
Like he's dunking.
It's just like Well, this makes me happy because I've sometimes I'm adjacent to a lot of people that are golfers.
Jeff Ross golfs a lot and likes to talk about golfing.
Eduardo just said he does.
Eduardo golfs all the time.
Yeah.
No, no, listen.
If that's what gets you going, that's cool.
I just...
I tried.
No offense.
No, because I'm joking.
It does look like a great hang.
It does look like a great hang.
We should talk all the time.
It should be nine holes.
And I would argue maybe seven.
Seven holes.
Is there a golf slider thing that I could do?
Like three holes?
There are courses that offer nine holes.
No, there's one off the five that's a par three.
There's one down in Torrance that's an 18-hole par three.
It's like, that's what I, yeah.
I'm going in with three clubs, 48 balls, and I'm not looking for any of them.
I don't give a shit.
And I count every fucking stroke.
Like, if I go to tee off and I miss, oh, that's a breakfast ball.
No, it isn't.
It isn't.
Right.
It isn't.
I was trying to hit the ball and I missed.
That fucking counts.
Setting the tone.
These are going to be honest scores today.
Nobody looks at you.
They all look down at their silly pants.
It attracts and rewards dishonest people.
A lot of contractors, real estate agents, lawyers.
You're just running a lot of people.
You're a happy man now.
That's what I like.
I know your anger fuels you.
Dude, I went on a motorcycle ride the other day that was fucking life-changing.
It was fun.
Where'd you go?
I went up the canyons in...
I think La Cañada or something like up that way.
And it was my buddy's bike and it was a big bike.
And I was, you know, those big Harleys with the fucking fairing.
So it's like scary, you know, it's like you're on a Clydesdale.
And on the way up, I was kind of scary.
But on the way back, I kind of got the feel for it.
And I kind of, you know, did my version of tearing through the canyon.
And I was like, I was euphoric for like two days doing that.
And that's like just something golf has never done for me.
Like I remember a couple of times I've hit good shots and people are going that's the shot that's going to make you come back.
It's like, no.
Do you have nighttime golfing?
I would do that.
Like those, you know, like those driving range things.
Those.
Yeah.
Yeah.
With the big net.
That looks like fun.
You know, there's chicks there.
The people are drinking and stuff.
Yeah.
Top golf.
That looks like like if I was young, this is like a nightclub with golf.
That looks fun.
But like to actually just become a member, have to vote on things like you joined this sports HOA.
Okay, we've got a dentist here.
Seems like a good guy.
He wants to be a member.
Let's see, Conan, you take him out for a round of golf and feel him out.
Feel if he's our kind of person that we want in our little clubhouse here.
Yeah, I don't know.
An HOA.
I can't.
I don't know.
It really is.
You know, you talked about one thing.
There's so many things you bring up that I relate to.
And one is you don't own a gun, but you like guns and you bring this up in your special.
And I kind of relate, meaning I'm too scared.
I would not own a gun.
No, no.
I don't want a gun in my house.
I'd love to have one.
Oh, you would?
I don't want a gun in my house.
I don't want to.
But I've kind of always been fascinated by guns and the times that I've been in situations where someone's let me shoot guns
I've found it to be very cathartic.
It's really interesting to me.
I like to kind of get the basics down of it, but I don't want to own one.
Yeah, I understand that.
Because I know that I am like I mean the joke, I do.
You know I lose my cell phone like, Like I'll walk into a room to get something that I forgot and then I will leave.
And in the process of getting that, I'll have left whatever was in my hand.
Yeah.
And my passport.
I'll get to the airport.
Fuck, and I got to go back.
Like, I am too... Whatever it is.
However my brain is.
Like, you have to be on it to own a fucking gun, especially if you have kids in the house.
And, like you know I'm, you know, kind of got to know, gotta know where your skill set is, you know.
So, like i learned a lot of shit like uh, in like aviation, where of not is flying within your ability.
You know what i mean.
So you're always looking at the weather and stuff like that and i just always look at that stuff.
You keep the odds in your favor and uh, you don't just do something when you're up there, because what you're flying can do it.
It's like, do you have the ability to do it?
Is it safe to do it here or whatever?
And uh, you know, just doing stuff like that, like i just look at like um No, I go into gun stores all the time.
I like the old school revolvers, all those cop shows that I watch.
I'm like, oh, that's the Clint Eastwood right there.
That's Beretta had that or whatever.
And I like the old school rifles and stuff.
But I'm not into the, I don't know, the semi-automatics.
No.
What's the one that everybody wants to get?
The AK, what is it?
The AR-15.
AR-15, yeah.
To me, that's like the electric car of the fucking gun world.
If you just have a revolver, that's like driving a stick.
You know what I mean?
You got to be good at it.
That shit's kind of like you know you're just watching your misses until you hit the fucking person.
What?
It's true, though.
How many fucking opportunities do you need?
Jesus Christ.
It's like 900.
Anything that's firing 900 rounds a second.
You don't have to.
There's no skill.
It's a gunfight meets T-ball.
Yeah.
So no, but that's also like another thing too is what I'm trying to do now, like when I'm going out there is I'm trying to more like bring people together, which is a really hard thing to do because everything gets politicized like fires, viruses.
I did I did Kimmel the other night.
I deliberately was a a political compliment to the fire department, Department of Water.
And somebody takes a clip and said that I, you know, Bill sides with Gavin Newsom.
It's like I couldn't pick that guy out of a fucking lineup.
I've seen him after games when they cut to KTLA and they show him for a second.
Salt and pepper hair.
Game show host.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I have a vague understanding of who that guy is, but like I didn't know what party he was in.
I don't watch any of that shit.
I don't watch any of it.
You don't watch news.
You're not a news junkie.
There is no news.
Yeah, there is no news.
It's just all people's fucking opinions.
And then politicians are grossly underpaid.
So they let you vote.
So you get to choose who goes, oh, my guy won or my guy lost or whatever.
And then they go in there.
And then the rest of the time, you don't get to like vote on what they're voting.
They vote on it.
And the people that own them You know, they're working for them.
And all of those guys like you know.
They're all worth like 40 60 80, 100 million dollars, making like six figures a year.
How do you do that legally?
How do you, Conan?
I don't have the answer.
I know you don't.
And everybody but the geniuses.
They got everybody like they divide divide, divide every fucking time.
CNN does it.
Fox News does it.
And I find these people who watch that shit.
It's like people who come out of prison, who are institutionalized, you know, and they can't fucking live unless they're inside.
You watch that 24 hour news enough.
You know and you follow.
You know you start thinking paranoid thoughts and you follow those paranoid thoughts onto the Internet.
There's going to be a Web site that agrees with whatever fucked up thought you have.
Yeah.
And then validate.
So then you just go like create like my last time I did.
I did Kimmel.
Somebody wrote to me and was like dead certain that Jimmy Kimmel was a CIA operative.
Yeah.
Well, he may be, actually.
I don't like to add fuel to the fire.
Oh, okay.
I was with him in the CIA for a while.
You were in the CIA?
What did you do to get kicked out?
That the CIA disowned you?
They said, we don't want a hairless ostrich.
Featherless.
Featherless.
Oh, okay.
Featherless.
No, it was me.
It was Fallon.
There was a bunch of us that were in heavy CIA training.
I was asked to leave.
Fallon kept singing.
They asked him to leave.
I was into conspiracy theory, but then, like once, you're actually in the thing that people are conspiring about and you realize how ridiculous their theories are because you actually have a little bit of information.
It's like, oh my god, like that's me.
That's how i was, i.
I i used to think all of this shit and i was putting things together and i forgot that i, i didn't know any of these people.
I was a zillion miles away or whatever.
But um, My least favorite thing in this era we're in is everyone's certain.
There's certainty.
And I like whatever happened to uncertainty, whatever happened to.
I like comedy where I admit I don't know.
I don't know what the answers are.
Yeah.
And I'm going to think of some stuff that is amusing to me and share it with you and hope that you find it funny.
But I see it a lot in comedy now.
There's a lot of certainty.
And in politics everyone's absolutely 100 certain about everything and it's it's it's uh, that's the thing i've.
I've been guilty.
I was guilty of that like early, or i like to think earlier in my career i was doing, i was doing this, and then, you know, now i'm trying to do more of that.
So i always try to like uh, always just let people know that i don't watch the news and i don't read, and this is just what i feel it comes across that you don't have to do.
It's very clear.
Okay good no, that's good, because i don't want, I don't want the responsibility of that.
Can you read?
Are you able to read?
I mean you're acting.
It sound like it was a decision that you made.
No, it depends on, like you know, when I was really fucked up, like really fucked up and didn't know I was fucked up, it would take me 20 minutes to read one page.
Wow, because every word or sentence would remind me of something like my brain was like on spin cycle and it took a long time to understand that.
I just thought I was dumb because that's what they said when you there wasn't like all of these diagnoses, you were just an idiot and uh, So that's what I thought.
I said, oh, this is taking so long because I'm dumb.
And then after I said, oh, no, I think I might be a little traumatized.
I don't know what the fuck it is.
But I also knew enough not to take any drugs because of it.
It's like, oh, you know, I can kind of like try to figure this out and get myself.
Yeah.
It's like all these idiots taking Ozempic.
It's like do you really think, after all that cake you ate, that all you have to do is shoot this thing into your fucking leg and then you're going to be skinny?
Yeah.
OK, not not to do a pun here, but you can't have your cake and eat it like there's going to be an unbelievable disease on the other side of that.
You don't just get to melt the pounds away.
And there you go.
That was weird.
And then I just did this.
Somebody.
Somebody was trying to claim that these sugar companies are now breaking down what's in Ozempic and they're putting a chemical in their candy that's going to override the Ozempic.
And it's just like, so my body is basically a battlefield.
Like I'm not even a person at this point.
Well, that's my thing.
Why I don't watch the news of politics, because nobody's talking about.
Nobody's talking about that shit.
Or you watch like a fucking baseball game and everybody's holding up a sign of somebody they know that beat or died of cancer and nobody's saying why or asking why to all that.
They never did that.
People used to smoke at the fucking game.
And you knew less people that died of cancer.
Like I want people to start holding up signs like, you know, thank you.
Roundup.
And you watch how quickly MLB will cut away from that because they make they're in business with those guys.
Yeah.
Oh, here I go.
Now I'm going on the Internet.
That's OK.
That's OK.
So you're you're positing that there's a lot of carcinogens out there and no one's talking about it.
Now, I just wish that regular people, which is most of us, would just stop yelling at each other.
Stop letting these fucking idiots get you stirred up.
Stop arguing with bots.
Like, no matter what the fuck is on there, like, you know, like the L.A. fires or something.
All you got to do is, because of Biden, because of Trump, Kamala.
That's all you got to do.
And then all of these fucking people just jump on the hook.
And it's a fire.
It used to be something you didn't argue about.
There's a bad fire.
I know.
Just watch Chinatown and just realize that this place shouldn't be here.
Right.
We've all known this.
It's a desert.
We ship water in.
I can't believe I live in a desert and there's no water in the hydrants.
This summon you ice baths.
People, your lawn is all green.
This did like we were living like idiots out here.
We know that we were living on like like this.
We're living on the moon.
And it looks like we're living in New Hampshire.
Like that's that's eventually that that's going to come around.
You know, and every year we have a drought, and they tell you not to take as long a shower, and blah blah, blah.
And we all fucking blow it up where I think we're all responsible for that.
I don't think you just blame it on like a political party.
And yeah.
And I don't have a solution for that.
But I don't think the solution is to sit there and blame people and try to you know happen during your watch, Conan.
This is on you.
The St.
Francis Dam disaster is on you.
By the way, they found out years later that they built that dam into a prehistoric mudslide and they didn't have the technology.
And that guy carried the guilt of that.
When the St.
Francis Dam collapsed out here and like a 30-foot wall of water went to the was a valley.
They found people's bodies down in like fucking mexico and this guy can't get through this without laughing.
That is so boston, i just found bodies in mexico.
I mean, i just can't imagine you're in your log cabin or whatever, jimmy crack corn, and i don't care this fucking wall of water, And then, if there is a God, you wake up talking to him, still holding your bench, like spitting out fish.
What the fuck happened?
Spitting out fish.
Like a cartoon.
I know.
I know like a cartoon.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe you're the guy who built that shit.
And you're like, what happened?
He probably heard it.
He probably heard it go through the sound of it.
What is that?
What is that?
That's the shit you built, you fucking asshole.
What made you think of the St.
Francis Dam?
Look that up.
When did that happen?
Oh, this is even better.
It gets even better.
After the dam collapses some fucking asshole wanted to climb up it to do like the original selfie or whatever.
He climbed up on top and he fell off and died.
Oh, God.
It was built between 1924 and 1926.
And when did it collapse?
1927.
The dam failed in 1928.
Oh, my God.
So we're sitting here talking about current events, and you just go right to the St.
Francis dam collapse.
Because I know you like old-timey shit.
I do.
You like Winston Churchill and Theodore Roosevelt.
I've been to his house.
He has the library of a 90-year-old house.
When he was missing, he should have greeted me with a pipe.
I have a pretty good library.
He does.
They're all leather bound.
Oh, come on.
They're not all leather bound.
Oh, yeah, no, he was.
You know what I should have in my house?
He was totally intimidating.
He was going, I've read all of these.
I did not.
And he goes, and all this information is in here.
It's all in my mind.
And you will all sit here and listen to it.
Oh, my God.
It was the longest night of my life.
Oh, come on.
I get it, Conan.
You've read about the Third Reich.
Jesus Christ.
Dennis Miller would have been like, take it easy.
Take an easy cha-cha.
Yeah, Jesus.
I would love to see the two of you guys.
One of my old girlfriends going back and forth.
One of my old girlfriends took a photo of me and it's like on this beautiful beach, like 1994, when I took like my first vacation ever.
And I'm on the beautiful beach in the Caribbean and I'm sitting there and I'm reading William Shire's Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.
It's like a telephone book with a swastika on the cover.
And I'm completely in shade because God forbid.
What country were you in?
No, I was in the Caribbean somewhere.
And so God forbid I get any sunlight at all.
And I'm wearing, you know, Rose Kennedy's sun hat underneath an umbrella.
And I'm reading this giant morality tale about the rise and fall of the Third Reich in tiny print.
You know, I went to Prague and I went to that church where those guys hold up who shot that SS guy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they stayed there for like fucking I don't know how many days just fighting these guys off.
They tried to flood it and run.
They still got the bullet holes in there.
Yeah.
So it's unreal.
Like like World War Two is just like this thing because it wasn't here.
When you go over there, it's just they still got the like if you go into like Berlin.
Sure.
Yeah.
And what the few structures that are left, you're like, oh, yeah, this really fucking happened.
You know, you go you go to like countries that they bombed.
And they just have the ugliest buildings because after the war, they were just leveled and their economy was done.
So they just had to like, just build these things really quickly.
I was doing my travel show with my team and we checked into this town in Linz, named Linz.
And we're walking around and I said, every building here looks like it was built starting in 1950.
Man, for whatever reason, they bombed the shit out of the place.
And so I got on my phone, looked up Linz, like what happened in Linz.
And Linz is the, it wasn't his birthplace, but it was the town where Hitler grew up.
The Allies knew that.
It was also, I think it was in armaments.
They built armaments there.
And so they bombed the shit out of it.
And you can see that, every single building, and I've seen this in Cologne too, where the only thing they didn't hit was the cathedral.
The church yeah, the cathedral, and I've talked to people there and they've said people who think war, who romanticize war, need to come to these places.
Oh, no, it's brutal.
Because every single building was demolished, everything.
What do they call it now?
Chechnya, whatever they're calling it now.
There's a town where they I haven't gone, I would never.
It's just too sad to go to.
But when they killed that SS guy for some reason, I forget the story.
They assassinated him.
The resistance assassinated him.
So they found out whatever town some of those guys they thought they were from and they fucking killed everybody in that town.
So they have like this, you know, these silhouettes of like, you know, men, women, children.
It's just fucking, it's fucking brutal.
It's brutal.
And then what's funny is when you go.
What's funny?
This is unbelievable.
Go.
I'll tell you what's funny is you go to Stockholm, Sweden.
Okay.
And it looks like you're in the Keebler Elf's like home city.
Yeah.
And you're like, well, why did this one survive?
And you found out they remained neutral.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So they let the Nazis, they look the other way as they use their trains to go into Norway.
And then that whole fucking thing was wild, because I went over there and they were talking about how, you know, Norway had fought for to get the bottom third of their country liberated from Sweden.
Mm-hmm.
And they had just gotten it back.
And then during World War II I don't know if this was some petty shit they let the Nazis go in there and fuck them all up.
So then Norway's economy was flattened and Sweden just because they were still standing became this economic power.
So Norway was so desperate, they tried to sell the bottom of the third of their country back again.
And Sweden was like, yeah, no, we don't want it.
Jesus.
And then they found oil there.
And then the Swedes go, now we go over there and do jobs that they don't want to do.
Yeah.
But everybody has like a sense of humor about it now, because no one was alive when all of that shit happened.
You know what I mean?
Right.
But it was, yeah, it's pretty fucking, it's pretty wild.
Well, I knew this is where the podcast was going to go.
At the very beginning, I said, I'm going to get us to the devastation in World War II.
Hitler was into architecture, though.
That's why he left like Paris and Prague alone.
He just like, they're too beautiful to destroy.
That's just such a funny like wrinkle in his personality.
Yeah.
Like, cause he's murdering 6 million people.
Ooh, is that Art Deco?
Yeah.
He did at the end want them to burn Paris.
And one general was like- Because he couldn't have it.
He was like a fucking jilted lover.
Yeah, exactly.
So at the very end, he wanted to, you know, I'm just, I'm tired of you letting Hitler slide.
Bill Burr.
One of my favorite Norm jokes of all time.
What?
He was on Letterman.
He was talking about Hitler.
And he goes.
He was like you know he goes.
The more I read about this guy, the less I like him.
God bless you, norm totally presented it like he was the only guy who had ever read up.
I don't know if you ever heard about one of the worst people of the last century, but uh, i'm getting into it.
Um listen, i want to make sure we get the word out on your special.
It's out right now and uh, it is called uh, drop dead years yeah, and it's on hulu, streaming on hulu, and uh Yeah, I'm very, very proud of it.
And I'm looking forward to.
I guess, when this thing airs, when this airs, I'll be be doing Glengarry Glen Ross on Broadway at the Palace.
That's fantastic.
I'd like to come if I'm allowed to invite a ginger.
I might have to have Odenkirk invite you.
I mean, that's we'll find a loophole.
Yeah, yeah.
Me and Ed Sheeran will come together with Ron Howard.
Yeah, from the day I met you, no one's mind works like yours, and it's a beautiful thing to behold.
Oh, I didn't know which way that was going.
The day I met you, I was like, why did we book this guy?
The way your brain works, I'm constantly saving your stories.
It's exhausting.
You're exhausting, Bill.
Well, right back at you, man.
I always love coming on whatever you're doing and hanging out or whatever it is.
It's effortless, man.
You're one of the funniest guys I know.
And you know that's sincere because I couldn't look at you when I did it.
I know.
Two Irish guys can't look at each other.
We can't look at each other.
That's another... All right, let me tell you something, you fucking cunt.
I love you to death.
I wouldn't throw you in shite.
For all the fucking shillelaghs in fucking O'Toole Town.
That's another Norm line.
He had a line once where he said I went home to Christmas break and at one point I accidentally made eye contact with my father.
I know what he's talking about.
We all know what he's talking about.
Oh, man, that guy.
All right, Bill Burr, go in peace to love and serve the Lord or whatever.
That's it.
All right.
Well, thank you guys so much for having me.
And yeah, I don't know how to wrap this up.
This is your job.
That's it, everybody.
We'll be back after the break.
We'll be right back.
You got to go buy a mattress.
We'll tell you which one to get.
Sarah Michelle Gellar when we return.
Courtney Thorne Smith, when we come back.
I could go back to way old shows that I did.
Say, we got so-and-so next.
Yeah, come on.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Theme song by The White Stripes.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair.
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Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
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