I need to show you something, but you have to promise not to make fun of me.
Of course.
Woo!
Yeah, I was worried about the date, so I got my hair colored to make me feel a little more confident, but that just made me look paler, so I got a spray tan.
Have you tried showering, seeing if you could scrub it off?
I did.
You're gonna need some new towels.
And a bath mat.
And a toilet seat.
I'm picking her up in an hour.
What am I gonna do?
You mean, what are you gonna oompa loompa doompity do?
You said you weren't going to make any jokes.
I'm sorry.
I'll stop.
It's only a spray tan.
It'll fade in a couple days.
Why don't you cancel the date and reschedule?
I was really looking forward to tonight.
You know what?
Then go.
Tell her what happened.
Maybe she'll be flattered.
And if not, swing by the chocolate factory and see if they're hiring.
That wasn't a joke.
That was a legitimate suggestion.
Enjoying your book?
So much.
Why do you keep poking at it?
Fine, I'm shopping on my phone.
You're the one who said you wanted to read more.
Yes, I also tell people I only feed the kids organic.
It's just stuff you say.
Hey.
Hello.
Hey, how was your night?
It was great.
We went to an improv show.
Yeah, they asked the audience to suggest a word and they used Stuart's.
Oh, cool.
What was it?
Coconuts.
It was such a good one.
It just came to me.
What are you guys up to?
Reading.
Oh, nice.
I wish I read more.
Well, if it's important, you find the time.
You want to see my room?
Yeah.
Cool.
How do you feel about this?
That she can clearly do better, but that's not for me to say.
Them in his room, doing stuff.
Oh, come on.
We're sitting right out here.
They're not gonna do anything.
I'd like to change my answer.
How's she doing?
She's great.
Look.
See a wall?
Floor?
I'm Asian, baby.
There she is.
See?
Nothing to worry about.
Thank you.
Okay, I'm gonna try and get some work done.
Yeah, me too.
I love you.
Love you too.
Bye.
What are you doing here?
Can't a guy hang out at a college he doesn't go to and stare at a baby that isn't his?
I get it.
I haven't even made it to my office yet.
Is it weird if we just stand here and watch her all day?
Probably.
We should go.
Yeah.
Or we could take her to the aquarium.
I'll get her.
You grab her bag.
Hang on, Hallie.
We're busting you out of there.
I met Jeannie at your Aunt Gladys's.
She passed me the Manischewitz.
I took one look at this punim and almost plotzed on the kugel.
Is this what I sound like when I talk about India?
So my mother's okay with this?
Why would your mother have a problem with me and Stuart?
Because they have a weird, inappropriate relationship.
Weirder than what you and I did in my dad's Corolla?
This is so messed up.
I know.
I'm having the best time.
Why would you even come to this?
Didn't you know I'd be here?
It was a long time ago, Howard.
And you're only second cousins.
Who cares?
So you knew when you brought her anyway?
Oh, so she's good enough for Howard, but not for me?
Yeah.
Yeah, go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin.
This is his turf.
Yeah.
Should we get lunch, or do you want to eat at the zoo?
Oh, Howie, I don't need food as long as I can look at my phone.
I don't like when you imitate me.
You want to hear my steward?
It's been a while since...
I've gone on a date.
Mind if we watch the monkeys doing it?
I said that to you in confidence.
This is supposed to be our family fun day.
What's so important on your phone?
I'm on the daycare's website.
Stop looking at that.
The daycare's great.
It's on campus.
My office is two minutes away.
There's nothing to worry about.
What if she likes the people who work there more than us?
She already likes soap bubbles more than us.
When I go back to work, we're gonna leave her with these people.
We don't know anything about them.
I mean, they're highly trained educators with background checks.
They're even required to be current on all vaccinations.
You leave her with me?
I'm not any of those things.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I wanted to look my best for our date, and I made a series of bad decisions.
One of which is hidden by my pants.
Wow.
Do you still want to go out with me?
Absolutely.
Hey, maybe we can go find Nemo together.
That's a good one.
Do your 63 other crayon friends know you're out?
Are you just gonna make fun of me all night?
Probably.
Great, so what are we thinking, Chinese?
Yeah, I'm in the mood for orange chicken.
Have you thought about advertising directly to females?
Hmm, okay.
Well, all right.
What if I put up a sign in the window that said... Women, come in.
Don't be afraid.
Hey, have you read the online reviews for this place?
Internet's so negative, I try to avoid it.
All right, well, Heather H. says, the owner stared at me the whole time and didn't blink once.
Kelly M says the creepy guy who runs it asked me out then called himself stupid before I could say no.
Jessica K. says, I told the weird owner that I liked his shirt.
He took it off and gave it to me.
See?
Negative.
Mind stocking these?
Actually, I'm not on the clock today.
I'm just hanging out with my boyfriend.
Oh, cool.
That's me, right?
I forgot to tell you.
I broke up with you, and now I'm dating that guy.
I know you're joking, but my flight or flight response doesn't.
Isn't it fight or flight?
Not for me.
Hey, we're doing a big paintball game on Saturday if you two want to join.
Oh, my roommate asked me to help her move out on Saturday.
Oh, that sucks.
Sucks for her.
I'm playing paintball.
I didn't know your roommate was moving out.
Yeah, I've been looking for a new one, but so far, no luck. hear that?
She needs a roommate.
What do you think, Stuart?
Flattened.
Flight.
That was hard to watch.
I wonder if this is what it feels like to be Bernadette's baby.
I don't know.
Bernadette's baby doesn't have a jacuzzi jet hitting just the right spot.
Those jets are from my secret spot, not his.
What are you doing here?
It's called relaxing, and that's all you need to know.
Oh. getting late.
Maybe we should head home.
Yeah, probably right.
You coming?
Yeah, just give me a minute.
Why?
Well, you know how you're wearing a bathing suit?
Yeah.
I kind of went the other way.
You jackasses, you try yourself a hot tub.
We're both down on our luck.
Maybe you and I should try to get a place together.
Okay, listen to me.
There is no reason to leave here.
This is great.
Everyone's nice.
It's comfortable.
If all goes according to plan, this is my retirement home.
Wouldn't you feel better about yourself if you were more independent?
Better than I feel in their steam shower?
I don't think so.
You see, I'm doing this so I can stop being spoiled and, you know, grow as a person.
Good for you.
This sandwich has $6 worth of ham in it.
Don't you even feel a little bad sponging off your friends?
Hey, look, I went to art college.
I tried to make it as a graphic artist, comic book artist, and you know what I got for my efforts?
A visible rib cage.
I'm not kidding.
You can see my heart beating.
Well, no offense, but I didn't go to art school.
I have a PhD in astrophysics.
Great.
It'll be easier for you to look up at the stars without a roof over your head.
Dude, I'm so sorry.
Don't take this the wrong way, but did you do this for the insurance money?
No.
God, you sound like the police, the firemen, my parents, my therapist, and the insurance company.
We're here for you, man.
Whatever you need, okay?
Actually, I was wondering if I could crash at your place for a few nights?
Sure, of course.
Oh, actually, Emily was going to spend the night.
You slept with her?
Nice.
Well, I can't take all the credit.
She let me do it to her, but... But I can always call her and cancel.
Hang on, I know a place you can stay and earn some money at the same time.
Great.
I just have to warn you, it'll involve humiliation, degradation, and verbal abuse.
So, what's the catch?
Hey.
What are you guys still doing here?
I got this.
Go.
Go home.
You sure?
She's fed.
She took her pills.
She's all tucked in watching TV.
So she's not too much for you?
Are you kidding?
I love her.
She's great.
Stewie, you gonna watch Wheel of Fortune with me?
Coming, Debbie.
You call her Debbie?
She insisted.
So, hey, guys, thank you so much.
This job is a dream come true.
Was that a little weird?
Yeah.
I don't know why, but something about it feels... unnatural.
Okay, let's go.
Yep.
What are you doing here?
I thought you moved out.
Oh, yeah, I was going to, and then Debbie and I got to talking over dinner the other night.
I didn't have any place to go.
She likes having me around, so we both said, why leave at the same time?
It is precious.
It's not that precious.
I'd like to back you up, but it sounds like it was pretty precious.
Stewie, I can't find my glasses!
Be right there, dab-dab.
They're probably on her head.
Or in her neck.
Listen... you staying here seems...
Well, maybe if you called your mother more often, you'd know.
What do you want?
I, uh, kind of got the feeling you might not be okay with me staying at your mom's.
You're right.
I'm not.
I think it's weird.
Howie?
It is.
He's a grown man.
He's just gonna live there rent-free?
How is that gonna motivate him to get off his butt and get a job?
I mean, do you even have a plan?
Hey, you're not my father, okay?
And besides, your mother and I were talking.
Your mother and I?
You're not my father.
I didn't say I was your father.
I didn't say I was your father.
Okay, calm down.
You're not his father.
He's not your father.
Nobody's anybody's father.
I'm sorry you don't like my life choices, but it's my life.
Well, it's my house.
It's my rules.
Oh, okay, Dad.
If I mow the lawn, can I have my allowance?
Don't you take that sarcastic tone with him.
I have to listen to you.
Don't talk to her like that.
That is my mother.
Wife, my wife.
I said my wife.
You know what?
This isn't getting us anywhere.
When you're ready to apologize, you know where to find me.
Yeah, in my house!
That's right, sucker!
Guys, in the time you've been sitting here playing video games, I got the car wash, picked up cleaning supplies and went to the bank.
I put on pants.
Kiss ass.
Hey, I don't know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today.
You guys are cleaning the kitchen top to bottom.
Hey, I don't even live here.
Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
I do.
And some of it's wool, so dry flat if possible.
How old is this jello?
Well, it's carrots, so I'm going to say very.
Sorry we have to do this.
Bernadette's not wrong.
She does work hard around here.
Yeah, maybe it's a good thing if she stops babying you so much.
She doesn't baby.
I saw her pull you home in a wagon.
For your information, I twisted my ankle chasing the ice cream truck.
Face it, dude.
Bernadette treats you the same way your mother used to, and that was not a healthy relationship.
You're right. for me to act like an adult in this marriage.
Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash.
Bernie, I made a mess!
That was a big, sticky mess, but...
I cleaned it up all by myself.
Honestly, I don't know why you complain to me.
Okay, maybe I missed one spot.
Just leave.
Okay, here we go.
Now everyone can see.
All right, where do we stand on cross-eyed Mike?
You know, he won't be looking at other girls.
Unless they're sitting on the end of his nose.
Okay, okay, okay.
Thumbs down.
Next.
Ooh, check out his tiny teeth.
He looks like a man dolphin.
Well, if he's good in bed, she can throw him a fish.
I love you, Amy.
Hey, I'm starting to feel guilty.
Aren't we being a little mean?
That's a fair point.
We wouldn't make fun of someone like this to their face.
Look at Stuart!
You may want to leave the room.
That was incredible.
It was.
I just wish Stuart wasn't around so we didn't have to be so quiet.
I don't know.
It's not like he returns the favor when he watches his Japanese porn cartoons.
You guys got a minute, or are you still coddling?
What is it, Stewart?
Can I come in?
Hang on.
Should I send him away?
No, it's okay.
Thanks, Bernie.
What's up?
Well, I know the remodel is coming up, so I thought I'd make it easy on you guys and find my own place.
Wow.
I thought I was done getting lucky tonight.
So when are you thinking of moving?
Actually, I already found an apartment, so in a couple of days.
Oh, OK.
Sorry to see you go.
OK, well.
Thank you guys for everything.
I really appreciate it.
You're very welcome.
What?
I just have never been in this room while you're awake.
Once we get the house back to ourselves, we can be romantic in any room we want.
Great.
I can finally show you where the laundry room is.
Boy, who would have thought, when you asked me to move in and help take care of your mom, I'd still be here two years later?
Nobody thought that.
Well, that's it.
I guess so.
This is weird.
Hmm.
Yeah, a grown man moving into his own apartment.
It's crazy time.
See ya.
Ignore him.
He's just using humor to express how happy he is.
It's okay.
I know he loves me.
Sure he does.
Well, let us know when you're all settled in.
I will.
And I really can't thank you guys enough.
Your pleasure.
Bye.
Good luck.
He's gone.
Let's start in the garage.
Boy, when was the last time Stuart cleaned this place?
No kidding.
Okay, I'm about to suck something up.
What do you think this object sounds like?
Howie, I don't want to play Lego toenail or pill anymore.
What do you think we should do with this room?
I was thinking a home theater, a gaming room.
You know, like a man cave.
Why can't it be a woman cave?
As long as it has a home theater, a video game system, and you're not allowed in it, you can call it whatever you want.
I'm being serious.
What do you think we should do?
I don't know.
Maybe a home office or... Look.
The teddy bear steward won the night we took him to the fair.
I'm just so excited.
Yeah.
Now, no matter how hard they try, they could not guess his age.
I'll give it to him next time I see him.
Have you heard from him since he left?
No.
I think he would have called once he got settled in.
Maybe he's busy.
Too busy to call?
He wasn't too busy to binge-watch Hot in Cleveland with my Hulu password.
What is happening?
Are we missing him?
No, that's not what his feeling is.
Is it?
Of course not.
He drove us crazy.
Like, when you were gonna make that pie and Stuart ate all the blueberries.
And he tried to deny it, but his teeth were all purple.
That was pretty cute.
Yeah.
Ew, we are missing him! have to get us a baby gift?
Uh, just homemade coupons for things you might need help with before the baby gets here.
Going to the grocery store, driving you to the doctor.
If you're not in a hurry, I could dig you a koi pond.
A foot massage?
And that's not me being creepy.
That's for either of you.
This is very nice, Stuart.
Thank you.
How come this one's on the back of an eviction notice?
Oh, yeah.
Uh, now that you mention it, can I live here?
Stuart, we'd love to help you out, but this is a bad time.
We're about to have a baby.
Or is that why this is a great time?
Think about it.
When that baby comes, you're gonna need all the help you can get.
Thank you, but I'm not really sure.
Hang on.
Maybe it's not the worst idea.
I mean, he did do a good job taking care of my mother.
That woman didn't get heat rash once with me on powder patrol.
I guess you could stay for a few days, and we'll see how it goes.
Thank you.
And it's only temporary, just till I get back on my feet or the baby goes off to college, whichever happens first.
When would you move in?
Well, uh, my car broke down in your driveway, so I'm gonna say now.
But I am ready to be helpful.
In fact, I'm gonna go vacuum.
Actually, I just did that this morning.
Okay.
And I'll dust.
I did that, too.
And I'll check the batteries in the smoke detectors.
Howard just did that.
Yeah, let him do it.
