I'm gonna tell the girls.
It's not a problem.
I mean without lying.
And now you've made it a problem.
Come on, we're a couple of smart guys.
I'm sure we can come up with a way to explain this that doesn't make us look bad.
Oh, the boys had to drive all the way to San Bernardino for the solder and got a flat.
They bought it.
Who are you texting?
Raj.
He really wants to see this movie.
He'll never make it in time.
I know.
I want to make him feel bad.
Ha ha.
Leonard and I are about to see Suicide Squad.
Spoiler alert.
When I see you, I'm going to spoil it.
You're a good friend.
Would you ladies please leave the room for a moment?
Why?
I need to rub my genitals on their prototype.
What is it?
I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
What was I supposed to say?
You could have told her the truth.
That would have hurt her feelings.
Is that a relevant factor?
Yes.
Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
And what would I have said afterwards?
I would suggest something to the effect of singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you.
And if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
I couldn't say that.
I would have to say you were terrific and I can't wait to hear you sing again.
Why?
It's the social protocol.
It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
I was not aware of that.
Well, now you are.
Oh, all right.
Leonard?
Yes?
When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.
Good night.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi, yeah, it's Raj.
Rajesh.
We met at the comic book store.
Hey, what's up?
Figure out what time you're free?
Actually, that's why I'm calling.
I, um, I just... I need to let you know that I have a girlfriend.
Okay, good for you.
Well, no, no, I didn't want to mislead you after you asked me out.
I didn't ask you out.
I just need help with my screenplay.
Wait, are you saying that we didn't have a vibe?
Why do you care if we have a vibe?
You have a girlfriend.
Come on, I just told you I had a girlfriend.
The least you can do is tell me if you had a vibe.
Sure, we had a vibe.
I knew it.
Okay, we did have a vibe.
This is exciting.
What's my next move?
You still have a girlfriend.
Right, good catch.
Anyway, so I'm sorry to waste your time.
And good luck with your screenplay.
Hang on.
We're both adults.
We can still get together without it meaning anything.
Not me.
Ever since you admitted we had a vibe, I've been planning our wedding.
Look, it's just coffee.
And if you propose, I promise to say no.
OK.
Well, that hurts a little, but OK.
Great.
I'll text you.
Bye.
All right.
So we're meeting for coffee, like two adults.
Everybody's happy.
Easy peasy.
Are you going to tell Emily?
Yeah, of course.
We have no secrets.
When are you going to tell Emily?
He lied about the cream cheese.
He ate the whole thing.
I saw it.
Yeah see, if you just change the story to the destruction of a galaxy, then a supermassive black hole could work.
This is great.
Thank you so much.
Just gotta figure out a way for everyone to die that isn't too scary for children.
And that's how mommy and daddy met.
Hey, did you ever tell Emily about us?
I will.
What's wrong?
This guy from the office just congratulated me on being pregnant.
You did already know, right?
No one at the office did.
Did you tell anyone?
No, you told me not to.
I bet it was Barbara Chen in Retrovirus.
She might have heard me throwing up one morning.
Ever since she got that hearing aid, she thinks she's so great.
Why don't you want anyone to know?
Because I'm up for a major immunotherapy study and if they find out I'm pregnant, they might give it to someone else.
Would they really do that?
I know they would.
They did it to Barbara Chan last year when I told everyone she was pregnant.
How did you think you were going to hide your pregnancy?
I had a plan.
I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
From all the dove bars I ate.
I'm pregnant.
Try to keep up.
I'm sorry.
I have to go find out if my boss knows.
Well, whatever happens, we're here for you.
Thanks.
You guys are the best.
Drive safe.
We love you.
And give us a call.
Oh, my God.
It was me.
It was me.
I'm the one who blabbed she was pregnant.
What?
I didn't mean to.
It just slipped out in front of her assistant one day.
I feel... There's your card.
I feel so bad.
I just lied to her.
But you did it so well.
That's amazing.
It's like watching a sculptor, but your clay was lies.
Is that really what's important right now?
Seriously, you have got to let me scan your brain when you're being dishonest so I can see what lights up.
This is super helpful, Amy.
Thanks a lot.
Can't wait to do that.
See, a clump of bitch cells lighten up from here.
So how's everything going around here?
You still upset about people finding out you're pregnant?
I'm furious.
Sure, sure.
Did you ever figure out who told?
No.
I confronted Barbara Chen, but she claimed she didn't know what I was talking about.
Do you think using her work computer to Google how to be a prostitute is over the line?
You know, when I was in high school, there was this girl who was talking about me behind my back.
So me and all my friends, we cornered her in the bathroom and forgave her.
What kind of revenge is that?
This woman screwed with my job.
She's got to pay.
Okay.
All right, honey, you know what?
There was something I was too scared to tell you yesterday and now I'm just balls-out terrified to tell you.
But the truth is that...
It wasn't Barbara Chen.
It was me.
I'm the reason everyone knows.
Why would you do that?
It was an accident.
I'm so sorry I lied.
Get out.
Oh, you know, I also lied about the girl in the bathroom.
Yeah, we actually dunked her retainer in the toilet and put it back in her mouth.
Oh, hi.
Got a minute?
Yeah, come on in.
I just wanted to apologize.
I know what you did was an accident.
Oh, thank you.
And I'm sorry I lied about it.
For what it's worth, you're a great liar.
Oh, that's what Amy said.
So what's going on with the research project?
Are they going to let you run it?
Well, my boss said he hadn't decided yet, so I gently reminded him that he's an old, rich white guy and I'm a sweet little pregnant lady who's not afraid to cry in front of a jury.
You threatened to sue?
Hey, I learned a long time ago.
When you're four feet eleven and eye level with every guy's crotch, that's where you punch.
That's funny, I learned something totally different.
You know what?
It's just a research project.
The most important job in the world is gonna be raising this child.
It's all I need to get my life meaning.
Oh, that's so beautiful.
You believe me?
Oh, good.
11 more chumps like you, I'll have the jury eating out of my hand.
Hey.
Oh, hello.
Something's going on with Bernadette.
Did she say anything to you?
Nope, not a word.
Come on, be honest.
Tell her I tried her breast pump.
No, but I did mention it to my therapist.
I know she's mad at me about something.
Well, what have you done that would upset her?
Oh, gosh, how much time do you have?
Why don't you just start with the worst thing?
Hmm, let's see.
Okay, here we go.
Six years ago, I got a call that Bernie's great aunt Trixie died.
And?
And I forgot to give her the message.
That's terrible.
The terrible part is ever since then, I've been sending Bernie Christmas cards from Trixie.
Let me finish, and one card had $5 in it I took from Bernie's purse.
Raj, I just want to say that I never betray your trust.
Unlike Leonard, I respect you.
Really?
Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time he dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
Dude, I put that thing on my face!
I think a more amusing violation of Raj's trust is when Howard convinced him that foreigners give presents to Americans on Thanksgiving.
Hey, I didn't see you giving back your Snoopy snow cone maker.
That was all a lie.
This year's gifts are already wrapped.
And as long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food?
Well, excuse me.
That was not a betrayal.
That was an experiment to determine at what concentration food starts tasting mothy.
You put moths in my food?
For science.
I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.
I can't believe you used Sheldon's toothbrush.
You used my toothbrush?
Not the brush part, just the little rubber thing to pick food from my teeth and massage my gums.
Okay, I think it's safe to say that we've all done some things we're not particularly proud of.
But come on, we're friends.
Friends overlook each other's minor lapses.
For the record, Howard, I'm sorry that I broke our pact.
Thank you.
I'm sorry about your phone and Thanksgiving.
And while we're at it, you don't have to wash our clothes on the 4th of July.
As long as we're apologizing.
Sheldon, I'm sorry I used your toothbrush.
And I'm sorry, but that behavior is beyond the pale and cannot be tolerated.
We are no longer friends.
I got you a talking Thomas the Tank Engine for Thanksgiving.
With real puffing smoke?
Yes.
All right.
But I'm watching you.
So, until Amy's apartment is fixed, she and I are living here together.
I lived with my old girlfriend.
She was a geologist, too.
Things didn't work out?
I came home from work one day, and she had taken everything.
I'm warning you.
Hide your good rocks.
My sister's husband took all her things, too.
Story at 11.
Really?
No one else is coming?
This is it.
You are the practice round.
Practice round for what?
No, he just means that you were the first people we thought of.
Yeah, exactly.
We've never thrown a brunch before, and I wanted to work out all the kinks.
So I'm like a lab rat before your real friends come over?
You see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry.
Help me out here.
This is not where I shine.
Stuart, you know you're one of our favorite people.
Okay, now see, you look sincere, but your words are completely false.
Now we do this test run.
These brunches are wild.
Hey, Priya.
Hey, sweetheart.
How's it going?
Uh, not so good.
We have to talk.
Oh, you sound serious.
Okay, here it is.
I met this girl and I kissed her and I feel terrible about it, but it's done.
It's never gonna happen again.
And I am so, so sorry.
No, no, relax.
It's okay.
It is.
Yeah, these things happen.
They happen to everybody.
Oh my God, you are amazing.
I mean, I don't deserve you.
What do you mean everybody?
Leonard, I didn't know if I should tell you, but I kind of cheated on you, too.
Kind of?
A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend.
So I guess we both messed up a little.
No, no, I messed up a little.
You messed up a lot.
Well, it's not a competition.
Oh, yeah, it is, and you won.
I'm sorry, I have to go.
I don't believe this.
We need to fabricate a tantalizing piece of gossip.
And a second non-tantalizing piece to use as a control.
Then we'll track its progress through our social group and interpret the results through the competing academic prisms of memetic theory, algebraic gossip and epidemiology.
Hey, Amy, what's up?
Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse.
In other news, I'm thinking of starting an herb garden.
Mom's the word.
Gotta go.
Will Amy be joining us for dinner?
Yes, I believe so.
Good, good.
Everything OK between you two?
Yes.
Why do you ask?
No reason.
I was just talking to Raj, and he mentioned what a lovely glow she has these days.
Did he mean as if she'd been out in the sun tending an herb garden without wearing a hat or sunblock?
No.
That's not what he meant.
We may never know.
As my mother would say, the Asians are an inscrutable folk.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Yeah, you do, you dog, you.
Did you get that?
Every word.
Our false gossip meme appears to have reached node lambda.
This is moving faster than we thought.
Agreed.
It appears the rate of gossip transmission is proportional to the number of nodes squared.
I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
Slow down, Sheldon.
I'm not quite there yet.
This is amazing.
Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman.
Not being drunk or high or wondering if you're a dude down there.
Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy.
You're gonna do okay.
One day at a time, Penny.
One day at a time.
How long is he going to stay here?
He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard.
Where is he going to go?
Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
Hey, how do you know if someone has pink eye?
Their eye would be red, swollen, and probably oozy.
Okay, thanks.
Both kids have pink eye.
Oh, no!
You stop right there.
I'm getting married in a week.
You are not giving me pink eye.
I don't have pink eye.
Hey, hey, hey.
Step away from the bride.
Okay, I'll go back upstairs.
Get in the shower and then take those clothes and burn them.
Yeah, and all the rest of your clothes.
Worth a shot.
Hey, Raj, remember when you borrowed my VR goggles the other day?
Yeah?
Probably shouldn't have done that.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I got it, too.
You really can't keep your hands off Howard, can you?
I know, I have a problem.
I just wanted to make sure you and Amy didn't get it.
Well, I didn't get it.
You infected me a week before my wedding!
What am I supposed to do about this?
Wear a veil?
That is not funny.
Look at what you've done to me.
Yay.
Could you just, like, not touch my computer or, like, anything else?
I just, oh, I don't want to look like that in your wedding photos.
There aren't going to be any wedding photos.
My fiancé's a germaphobe.
If he finds out I'm contagious, he'll never come back from Texas.
What if we tell him the theme of the wedding is walking dead and this is our zombie makeup?
That'll probably work.
We'll call that plan B. Well, turns out it's going to come in handy after all.
So how was your date?
It was going well until my eye dripped in her latte.
I'm so sorry we ruined your date.
Oh, boo-hoo.
His date got ruined.
I'm about to get married, and look at me.
It looks like it's getting better.
Oh, does it?
Does it look like that with your two clear eyes?
I'm sorry, are you mad that I don't have pink eye?
What do you mean?
Hey, how's it going?
Really good.
Georgie's going to come to the wedding.
Oh, that's great.
Why aren't you looking at the camera?
Oh, you know, I'm just working on my peripheral vision.
That is nonsense.
Your peripheral vision is fine.
Are those women's magazines making you feel bad about yourself again?
Yep, that is what's happening.
I have told you before, those women are airbrushed to make it look like they have good vision.
Hey, I was thinking, now that you and your brother made up, there's no reason to rush home.
Maybe you and Leonard could stay for two to three more fun-filled days there.
That's a great idea.
Hey, Leonard, good news.
We do have time to visit the Museum of the American Railroad.
I'd say no, but what's the point?
Oh, you might not want to get too close.
Pink eye.
Me too!
Bacterial?
Yeah.
Sick!
I know this is going to sound crazy, but would you be interested in going to a wedding with me?
I really like it.
Oh, I must admit, I do as well.
Look at how somber all the men in these portraits are.
I feel like that sets a good tone for our wedding.
Is that Leonard?
Oh, no, no.
These are all dead, accomplished scientists.
Leonard will only ever be one of those things.
I mean, Leonard and Penny are right there.
But he told me he checked on our membership just last week, and we were still 400th in line.
I'm sure there's an innocent explanation that won't ruin my day at all.
Leonard?
Oh, hey.
Hey.
How did you get in here?
What do you mean?
Leonard's a member.
You told me it was incredibly exclusive.
Yeah, look, about that, I lied.
Hey, wait.
You told me it was exclusive, too.
Mm-hmm.
I avoided him and impressed you all with the same lie.
Damn, Hofstetter.
Didn't think you had it in you.
Well, I'm not sure I know how I feel about this place now.
Then don't turn around.
Cooper!
Did Sheldon and Amy give you guys that puzzle, too?
Yeah.
Is it just me, or have they been acting strange?
I don't think they're acting.
The other day, Sheldon made me take him to the train store.
We didn't go inside.
He just said, nicely done.
And then we went home.
And Amy gave me this plastic ring and told me to hold on to it.
I got one too.
Same.
Yeah, me too.
But Cinnamon ate it.
I'll get it back tomorrow.
I have to say, this is going pretty well.
It is.
If experimenting on humans is morally wrong, then I don't want to be morally right.
Hey, are you testing us to see who gets to be in your wedding?
Yes.
They're rating us.
And I'm in last?
Don't panic.
There's still time.
Look, it's a marathon, not a sprint.
You know what?
This is so insulting.
I don't even want to be your stupid best man.
Yeah.
Me neither.
Wait, wait, wait.
Just out of curiosity, which one of you figured it out?
I did.
Impressive.
Hello, Sci-Fi Network.
Yeah, this is your vice president of programming.
You know, we have made a horrible mistake regarding alphas.
Yeah, we need to uncancel it immediately.
Well, you just put me through to the people who handle that.
You tell them it's me.
And I don't want to answer a lot of questions about if I really am who I say I am.
I just, I want this done.
No, I am not the person who just called.
And that man was clearly a cowboy.
Yeah, who was plum concerned about y'all canceling his favorite show.
Why do they keep hanging up on me?
Lava serpent.
Nest of snakes.
Underworld guardian.
Underworld guardian.
We skirmish to the death.
Invisibility spell.
Luminescence spell.
Water nymph.
Fire demon.
Two-headed tiger.
Three-headed lion.
Sulphur.
Brimstone.
No problem, Wil Wheaton.
Hang on.
You're holding two moderate spell cards, a small rock and a potion of Zancor, which will be about as much help as an air conditioner on the ice planet Hoth.
Your only move is to play the potion, lose the skirmish, and two moves later, the game.
I think he's got me.
The year was 1995.
The place, Jackson, Mississippi.
Having spent 10 hours on a bus, during which I had to twice violate my personal rule against relieving myself on board a moving vehicle, I finally arrived at the fourth annual Dixie Trek convention, only to find that my idol Wil Wheaton decided he had better things to do than to show up and sign my action figure.
What?
You betrayed me, Wil Wheaton.
Now, I have my revenge.
You went to the 95 Dixie Trek?
Oh, dude, my grandmother had just died, and I had to go to her funeral.
Your Meemaw died?
That's terrible.
Yeah, it was.
But I'm really sorry that I disappointed you.
No, no, I understand.
If anything happened to my Meemaw, I'd be one inconsolable Moon Pie.
I should clarify that statement by explaining that she calls me Moon Pie.
It's a special relationship, isn't it?
Between a boy and his grandmother?
Oh, yes.
Okay, great.
Everybody loves their grandmas.
Come on, Sheldon, finish him off.
Yeah, it's okay, Sheldon, I let you down.
I deserve it.
Potion of Zancor.
What are you waiting for?
Kill Wil Wheaton, from hell's Lord, stab at him!
I can't.
Sure you can, do it, do it.
I came here to defeat Will Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams.
But I can't defeat Will Wheaton, the man who loved his Meemaw.
Enchanted Bunny.
No!
Not Enchanted Bunny!
I call my Meemaw Nana.
And she's going to be very happy to hear that my small rock kills your enchanted bunny.
Game over, moon pie.
I don't understand.
Your grandmother's alive?
You catch on quick.
Come on, Stewie.
Let's get our prize money.
That was fun.
Hey Leonard, if you're happy and you know it, no need to clap your hands because I have an emotion detector.
How's it working out?
Surprisingly well.
That's great.
I'm happy for you.
What?
Hold on.
What?
You are.
Aren't you sweet?
What's that?
Are you working on your resume?
No, it's my brother's.
I'm trying to help him get a job out here.
Oh, and that makes Leonard angry.
Yeah.
No, it doesn't.
Leonard, please.
I know an angry face when I see it.
It's this red frowny guy on my phone.
Are you really upset about Randall coming?
No.
Yes.
I said no.
It's like you're twins.
If you're mad about this, just tell me.
Fine.
You invited your drug dealer brother to stay with us for God knows how long and didn't bother to ask me first, my brother.
I didn't think i needed your permission.
Well hey, now she's angry too.
This thing works like gangbusters.
I'm not saying you have to ask my permission, but you could have talked to me about it before you said it was okay.
Like you talked to me about your gaming room, our gaming room, i was gonna put a scented candle in it.
He's still mad.
Stop enjoying their fight.
You first Look at us our first Thanksgiving as husband and wife.
I know.
I feel so grown up.
Sweetie, you are grown up.
Really?
How many grown ups do you know who have Mr. Spock oven mitts?
Hey, the recipes are on my iPad.
Will you pull them up?
Yep.
What's the code?
My birthday.
It's not working.
It's just the four digits, the month and day.
Nope.
Let me see.
What number were you putting in?
Uh... You don't know my birthday, do you?
Yes, I do.
What is it?
May.
May what?
I'm not gonna say your password out loud.
That is not secure.
You don't know your own husband's birthday.
Well, you don't know everything about me.
Your birthday is December 2nd.
You grew up on Perkins Street.
The last four digits of your social are 7621.
And the odds of me letting you forget this are zero.
Oh, look at us.
Our last Thanksgiving is husband and wife.
Next, we need a teaspoon of pepper, which I believe was also the name of your childhood dog.
Fine.
You think you know so much?
Who's my favorite Spice Girl?
Baby.
Who's my favorite member of NSYNC?
Justin.
Who's my favorite Backstreet Boy?
Nice try.
NSYNC forever.
Damn it!
Let's face it.
You can't stump me.
I am the king of husbands.
I know that you don't like the lingerie that I got you on Valentine's Day.
I know you hate the word moist.
I know you don't like... Wait, wait.
Why don't I like the lingerie you got me?
Because it's orange and you think it makes you look like a slutty carrot.
Interesting.
I never told you that.
Sure you did.
No, I never told anyone that.
But I did write it in my journal.
Oh.
I didn't know you had a journal.
I also know your voice gets higher when you're lying.
No, it doesn't.
Is it me or is there something fun about watching him just float there?
Maybe this is why people get fish tanks.
Who just turned the porch lights on?
Is someone else here?
They must have left a dub on me.
Good thing I stopped by.
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
Maybe Howard and Bernadette said I could be here.
Did they?
To answer the question, what are you doing here?
I have nothing else to do tonight.
The last couple of months, I come here when I know they're not home.
What?
They heard me in the bushes once, but they thought it was a raccoon.
I told you raccoons don't say uh-oh.
Oh, Leonard, thank you again.
We love the gift.
Does he know what it is?
No, not even close.
He thinks it's a clue to a scavenger hunt.
So, so happy?
What is it?
What did you give them?
Oh, it's just this dumb crystal wand that Howard and Bernadette gave us for our wedding.
Penny and I made each other miserable trying to figure out what it was and we thought why not pass that fun along to Sheldon and Amy?
Wait a minute, did you give them the crystal chakra wand that I gave you for your wedding?
Yeah, that's exactly what we did.
You said you liked it!
Yeah, that's exactly what I said.
Penny really quit the Cheesecake Factory?
What is she doing today?
I don't know.
She already thinks I don't support this, so if I call, it might look like I'm checking up on her.
Do you support this?
Of course I do.
She's a great actress.
I'm proud she's taking this risk.
That's nice.
You bought that?
Great.
Gotta call her before I forget how I said it.
Hey.
Hi, what's up?
How's it going?
You taking Hollywood by storm?
Actually, I'm at the Cheesecake Factory.
You got your job back.
That is great news.
I didn't want to say anything, but you are making the right choice.
To plunge yourself into debt right now would be literally insane.
Yeah, I'm just returning my uniform.
And I support you.
Raj and Howard are at Howard's mom's, but should we call the girls and see if they want to come?
No, Bernadette's working late.
Amy's sick.
Aw, what's wrong with her?
Well, she talks a lot.
She always wants to hold hands.
That's not what I meant.
Well, if you were referring to her illness, your question should have been, what ails her?
What ails her?
Oh, who knows?
Come on, anything can happen.
We can push him down the stairs.
So we're just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?
Yep.
Great.
This is how anything can happen Thursday turns into it won't stop coming out Friday.
What the hell?
She's not working late.
And Amy doesn't look sick.
Why would they lie to us?
That's a good question.
Amy and Bernadette.
Amy and Bernadette.
Amy and Bernadette.
Why did you lie to us?
You're not working late.
Why did you lie to me?
And Amy, you told me you were sick, but you look just as pale and tired as always.
I'm sorry, I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after String Theory.
We kind of just wanted one night where we didn't have to hear about how miserable you are making this movie.
But none of that means we don't love you.
I haven't been complaining that much about the movie.
Have I?
I also love you.
You know what?
Maybe I need a break from all of you.
Come on, Sheldon.
Where are we going?
We're gonna have Anything Can Happen Thursday.
You're gonna tell me all about your science stuff and I'm gonna complain about my movie and we're gonna support each other because that's what friends do.
Okay.
Because if I had to pick now, I'd probably go with dark matter.
Shut up!
Never have I ever kept a secret bank account because I think my wife can't handle money.
Did I win?
I feel like I won.
I can't believe this.
You realize I make more money than you.
I know, but this isn't a big deal.
It's just a little savings I put aside.
We're married.
We're supposed to share everything.
You mean like your massive credit card debt?
I'm calling it.
I won.
Okay, you have every right to be mad, and what you said is true.
You do make more money than me, so I had no right to do what I did, and I'm so sorry.
I hope you can forgive me.
How long have you had this secret account?
A couple years, but I just put a few bucks aside every month for emergencies.
Well, how much you got in there?
$6,427.
$47 once my Nana's birthday check gets here.
Oh, my God, Leonard, do you know what I could do with that kind of money?
No, I do, and that's why I hate it.
What good is it if you don't use it?
You have shoes you love but never wear.
I have money I love but never spend.
We're kind of a cute couple that way.
Hey, you ready for lunch?
One sec is that the prototype drive system for the high g rover?
No, bernadette got me a fitbit so she can track how much i'm exercising.
That'll teach her to care about your health.
Yeah, i can't wait to see the look on her face when i die young.
When was the last actual exercise you got?
The other day, when she tried to put that fitbit on me and i ran away from her.
According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting, still can have physical benefits.
For all you know, I could be exercising right now.
Are you?
Nah, I'll do it tomorrow.
Wouldn't be the worst thing if we were more active.
You make an excellent point.
I think I'm getting a runner's high.
Why does your Fitbit say you ran 174 miles yesterday?
Hey, check it out.
That looks like the moped you used to have.
It wasn't a moped.
It was a scooter.
How's that better?
You do not want to walk into a scooter bar and ask that question.
Well, it does take me back.
Yeah, the two of us cruising around town looking for women.
Looking and looking and looking.
Remember that time one looked back and said hi?
Yeah, we drove away so fast.
Hey, I forget, why did you sell the scooter?
I finally got my woman.
Then my woman made me sell it.
Are your eyes closed?
Yes, what is it?
Show me.
Okay, open them.
You bought me a scooter?
No, I bought me a scooter.
Then why do you make me close my eyes?
I wanted to see the expression on your face when you saw how happy I was.
Wait, once again, won't Bernadette be mad when she finds out?
She's not gonna.
I'm keeping it here at the university.
My dad kept a secret at work too, but it was his receptionist.
Hey, would you mind if I ride it sometimes?
Yeah, whenever you want.
Check it out.
That there, son, is 12 forces of Italian thunder.
Hey, what you got there?
Oh, I'm just tossing out this old helmet I don't need.
I thought you were at the park.
We were.
The kids got sleepy.
Great story.
I need to make a phone call.
Howard, why do you look all guilty?
Like when I catch you deleting your browser history?
Never mind.
Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
What the hell did she say?
She thinks it's cool you're following your dream no matter what.
That bitch!
How do you want to handle it?
Um, OK.
Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
Got it.
Is it going to be in 3D?
It doesn't matter.
I'm gonna say 3D.
That'll let her know the studio has faith in it.
You're kidding.
3D?
That's what I hear.
The studio must have real faith in it.
I wonder why she didn't tell me.
Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
No.
Then why are you surprised she didn't tell you?
Well, it's not as much a surprise as, you know, the other thing.
What other thing?
Well, if you... I don't... What's the word I'm looking for?
I'm not going to help you.
This is hilarious.
