Who's there?
Are you a sex criminal?
Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma!
Where were you so late?
I was out with Bernadette!
I know what that means!
I watched Dr. Phil!
I hope to God you used a condom!
I'm not having this conversation with you, Mom!
God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!
Nobody has a disease!
I hope not!
I share a toilet with you!
Is that what you want?
To give your mother Herbie's?
That's it.
I don't have to take this.
Good luck with your eyebrows in the morning.
Who's there?
Are you a sex criminal?
Still leaving.
I just forgot my Claritin.
I feel just like Mother Teresa, except for the virgin part.
That ship sailed a long time ago.
I think Mother Teresa would've washed the clothes first.
Yeah, well, I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs.
You know, giving really is better than receiving.
I used to think it was such a cliche, but it seems to be the.
Look at these cute jeans someone just threw away.
Donated.
Yes, to a poor waitress who loves a boot cut.
Penny, come on.
They would be so cute on me.
They'd go great with this sweater.
I don't think Mother Teresa... Oh, that is adorable.
People feel good about this.
Then sit in the car and keep it running.
You were right.
A whole new load.
Come on, yoga top.
Mama needs a new yoga top.
Check it out, Bernadette.
Suede boots.
Your size.
God, they're cute.
Oh, why did they have to be cute?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, just hang on.
What is it?
The fuzz?
Look at us.
What are we doing?
I was gleefully following you to a life of crime looking forward to the day we might be cellmates.
I don't know about Bernadette.
This is wrong.
Let's put everything back.
It's okay!
I serve soup to poor people!
Sheldon Cooper?
Good morning, Your Honor.
Dr. Sheldon Cooper, appearing in pro se.
That is to say, representing himself.
I know what it means.
I went to law school.
And yet you wound up in traffic court.
Anyway, if it would please the court, I'd like to begin with an opening statement.
The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.
Very well.
Quick opening statement.
Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs.
I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic.
I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal.
But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue.
I am unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity to wit, a camera.
So, to sum up improper instruction Quod est necessarium est licitum.
Sixth Amendment my milk stool is complete.
Impressive.
Thank you.
Guilty.
I object.
You're completely ignoring the law.
No, I'm following the law.
I'm ignoring you.
Really?
I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.
Dr Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I'm gonna give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.
I'm a scientist.
I never apologize for the truth.
That's my spot.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, jailer.
What?
I need to use the restroom.
Knock yourself out.
That's the toilet?
Well, it ain't a wishing well.
Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.
What was that?
Raiders of the Lost Ark with 21 additional seconds.
If i can't see it, no one else can see it.
This is crazy.
No crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.
Listen to me, you are over tired.
You're not thinking right.
Put the movie back before we get into trouble.
Trouble is my middle name, leonard actually it's lee, but i prefer trouble.
Oh, look who they let in.
Don't worry, Wil Wheaton.
I was just leaving.
Who are you here to see?
I'm just going to tell you the truth.
Oh, you are killing me.
We don't have an appointment.
We're just fans of Mr Lucas's work and we thought we'd take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.
Sorry, guys, we get this a lot.
Can't let you in.
What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda?
A recording session I must attend.
I'm sorry.
Don't listen to him.
We're actually physicists.
We're giving a lecture at Berkeley later today.
We just had some time to kill.
Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys.
I can't let you in.
I got some hats and t-shirts I can give you.
Thank you so much.
See?
Maybe honesty is the best, but what are you doing?
Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.
Don't move.
Code AA-23.
AA-23.
Copy.
I can see the ranch, Leonard.
Oh, it's rustic.
It's lovely.
I take a picture, but people are chasing me.
I'm gonna make it, I'm gonna make it.
They have tasers, they wouldn't dare use.
He's sleeping.
Are you insane?
You can't just break into a woman's apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
I had no choice.
I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was this
Do you realize that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here?
I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
No, no.
You gave me an explanation.
Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Don't be ridiculous.
I have no peers.
A lower register.
What evolution has made women sensitive to high-pitched noises while they sleep, so that they'll be roused by a crying baby?
If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
No, That's ridiculous.
Fine.
I accept your premise.
Now please, let's go.
I'm not leaving until I'm done.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Oh, what the hell?
You want some cereal?
I feel so good today, I'm gonna choose from the low fiber end of the shelf.
Hello, honeypuffs.
Son of a bitch!
Penny's up.
You sick, geeky bastards!
How did she know it was us?
I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.
Leonard!
God, this is gonna be bad.
Goodbye, honey puffs.
Hello, big brand.
Howard.
Howard!
It's me.
It's just me.
What are you doing here?
Well, I texted you, but you didn't respond.
Leonard and Benny were arguing.
It's fine.
It's just Raj.
You can hit him with the bat, but it's fine.
And if my heart starts, just let me go.
I'm sorry, guys.
Sheldon was upset.
Leonard and Penny were fighting.
I just wanted to go someplace where I wasn't causing problems.
I'll say it again.
India.
Can I just stay in the garage?
Don't do that.
We'll make up the couch for you and figure out something in the morning.
Thank you.
Come on, I'll get you some sheets.
I'll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine.
Never should have had all these kids so close together.
Anyone seen Sheldon?
Last time I saw Sheldon was this morning.
Careful, don't say his name a third time.
You don't think he actually went to Las Vegas, do you?
Five red.
This is it.
Is everything okay, sir?
Oh, it's better than okay.
I am a physicist and I've been observing this wheel for hours and running a chi-square analysis, which is how I know that the ball is far more likely to land on 32, 17 or five.
So if you could hold off on replacing this wheel, I'd like to make several large bets.
Well, good for you, Pelican.
What's Pelican?
Sir, would you come with us?
Oh, no, I have to place my bet first.
This is for science.
17 black.
No!
That is a bracing cold.
Invigorating cold.
Lord, is it cold.
Help you with your bag, sir?
Thank you, fellow Bosite.
May I say you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.
Wait.
Wait!
Excuse me!
One ticket to Pasadena, California.
I did it.
I did it.
I'm in the queue.
And they say firefighters are the real heroes.
What number and line are you?
15,211.
Oh, they only have Thursday and Sunday passes left.
Really?
Oh, Thursday's gone.
Just Sunday left.
Oh, Sunday's the worst.
Everybody's leaving.
Most of the good panels are over.
And the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.
Sunday's gone.
Not Sunday.
I love Sunday.
So that's it?
Everything's sold out?
Yeah.
I can't believe we're not going.
It's okay.
There's always WonderCon in Anaheim.
That's just as good.
Excuse me.
Gentlemen, I have the solution to our Comic-Con problem.
We don't need them.
I'm starting my own convention.
Sheldon, just buy scalp tickets with us.
I told you, buying scalp tickets is against the rules.
If you get caught, you get banned from Comic-Con for life.
Life, Leonard.
You're gonna feel pretty silly when we're 80 years old and you have to drive me down there and then wait in the car for three days.
Do what you want.
We're getting scalp tickets.
I already found a guy online who's willing to sell.
How do you know this isn't a sting operation set up by the Comic-Con police?
The same way I know that the people in the TV set can't see me.
Sheldon, just come with us.
You're not gonna make your own convention.
You know, there was a time when Comic-Con didn't exist at all, until one lone dreamer with a unique vision made it happen.
And you mark my words, I'm gonna rip that guy off.
Okay, great.
Bye.
Our friendly neighborhood scalper says he's running late.
Does he sound like a criminal?
You know, did he say things like, use, guys, or listen here, see?
Yes, he's late because he's on his way here from 1940.
I'm just saying, we don't know who this guy is.
What if he wants to steal our money or our kidneys or make a suit out of our skins?
Why would someone want to make clothes out of your skin?
I don't know.
Maybe because Doc doesn't show the stains?
Now you're making me wonder if we should have met him at a neutral location.
Why do you think I told him to come to your place?
Okay, so I'm on a Comic-Con message board and there's a post from a guy where he says he got caught using someone else's badge.
And Shalin was right.
He did get charged with petty theft.
Guys, if I go to jail dressed as the Human Torch, that might send the wrong message.
Maybe this isn't a good idea.
I can text the guy, tell him we changed our minds.
Do it.
Okay.
We're officially not going to Comic-Con.
Hold on.
We always do this.
Do what?
Chicken out.
We're so afraid of getting into trouble that we never do anything wrong.
It's because we're the good guys.
Even Batman breaks the rules.
You know I struggle with Batman.
I say, this one time, instead of wimping out, let's be badasses.
Okay, I'll be a badass, but only if you pinky swear to be one too.
Howard, you in on this?
No need, I'm breaking rules all the time.
Name one.
Last night, drank my Pepto straight out of the bottle.
What about that little cup they give you?
Are you impressed by that?
A little.
Yeah, me too.
He just parked.
He's on his way up.
Good.
This is exciting.
It is.
I feel alive.
What if we do get caught?
Who cares?
We get banned from Comic-Con.
Maybe slapped with a fine.
I don't know.
I'll be an astronaut and a bad boy.
How will women keep their pants on?
Uh, maybe it'll come up when I apply for citizenship.
Oh, crap.
What if it comes up when I apply for citizenship?
I wonder if we'd have to disclose something like this when we apply for grants.
Well, he's gonna be here any second.
What should we do?
You guys are such babies.
I'll handle this.
If he thinks we're not home, he'll go away.
I thought you were a badass.
I lied about the Pepto.
I always use the little cup.
Hello?
I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.
Howard Wolowitz?
I have the right address, don't I?
Address?
Is he here?
No.
Do you know where I can find him?
May I ask what this is about?
No, you may not.
Very well.
Have him call me.
Okay.
Raj, who's at the door?
That's not him.
Back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single circuit alarm, child's play.
You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
No, I don't think so.
We need to go home now.
But I'm still working.
If you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to drag you out.
You can try, but you'll never catch me.
For God's sakes!
Johnny, come here!
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Johnny, come here!
Bazinga Bazinga Bazinga Bazinga I wonder if this is what it feels like to be Bernadette's baby.
I don't know.
Bernadette's baby doesn't have a jacuzzi jet hitting just the right spot.
Those jets are from my secret spot, not his.
What are you doing?
It's called relaxing and that's all you need to know.
You know, it's getting late.
Maybe we should head home.
Yeah, probably right.
You coming?
Yeah, just give me a minute.
Why?
Well, you know how you're wearing a bathing suit?
Can you come over here?
Sheldon, the deck is safe.
You can walk on it.
Oh, that gets the heart going.
So, what's up?
I went down to the city code compliance office to turn you in.
Are you kidding?
But I didn't do it.
I filled out the form and then realized that the unwritten rules of friendship are more important than the written rules of the city of Altadena's zoning and planning department.
Aw.
Really?
All?
And you'll be happy to know that while I was there I did look into your neighbor's balcony and it is encroaching on your property line.
I had all this pent-up snitch energy, so I reported him hard.
What did I say?
He's going to have to remove it.
So the good guys win?
Well, I don't know if I'd call you the good guys.
You're enforcing a law on him that you're willfully ignoring yourselves.
So the morally compromised guy's waiting.
Apparently so.
Now, if one of you be kind enough to take me home, I need to use my bathroom.
What's wrong with the one here?
I'm sorry.
I want to live.
I love you.
