This is an easy one.
You love this guy.
Me?
Come on.
He's an underappreciated genius.
Still think it's me.
It's not you.
Now think.
There's a car named after him.
Of course there is.
The Mini Cooper, because it's me.
How about this?
He's a poor man's Sheldon Cooper.
Oh, Tesla.
Hi.
Hey, how'd it go?
Not fun.
The doctor shoved a camera up into my sinuses.
Yeah, I watched.
It was like the scary boat tunnel in Willy Wonka.
Did they figure out what's wrong?
Yeah, it's a deviated septum.
The surgery to correct it is simple.
He's going to do it next week.
Why would you have surgery?
Because I can't breathe.
I snore.
I get sinus infections.
Get back off.
He's all mine.
But you don't have a life-threatening condition.
Why would you take the risk of surgery?
Sheldon, it's a routine procedure.
I've heard you complain about his snoring.
Yeah, that's for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it.
It helps me sleep.
He's like my mucus-powered white noise machine.
So now I'm gonna get the surgery.
It's no big deal.
End of story.
Very well.
Now I'm done talking about it.
Thank you.
I believe it was your turn in the game.
Okay.
Let's see.
Oh, this person is most famous for never having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and never living the rest of his life in the shadows as a hideous, disfigured freak.
I think you could give a better clue.
I don't.
I'm not even sure if that's a person or a typo.
I see your ramp.
I'm coming for you.
You can try, but... Gotcha!
Son of a bitch!
Wanna play again?
No!
Howard?
What?
I make more money than you.
You got yourself a good one there, buddy.
See you, I see you, and boom, gotcha!
How's it feel, Penny?
Like, I don't care at all.
Wrong, it feels bad because you lost and I won.
Whoo, what a rush!
All right, can we go eat now?
Hell yeah.
Hey, how's it going?
Boom!
New contest.
What are you doing?
I am settling once and for all who is the smartest around here.
Okay?
Are you ready?
Absolutely.
Bring it on.
Marsha, Jan, and Cindy were the three daughters in what TV family?
The Brady Bunch.
Okay.
Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?
The Brady Bunch?
Van Halen.
All right.
Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum.
Oh my God, Sean Penn!
How do you know these things?
I go outside and I talk to people.
Okay, here.
What actor holds the record for being named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?
William Shatner.
I don't think it's Shatner.
Then it's gotta be Patrick Stewart.
No.
Formal protest.
All right, singer who sang Oops, I Did It Again?
Okay, here we go.
Now everyone can see.
All right, where do we stand on cross-eyed mic?
You know, he won't be looking at other girls.
Unless they're sitting on the end of his nose.
Okay, okay, okay.
Thumbs down.
Next.
Ooh, check out his tiny teeth.
He looks like a man dolphin.
Well, if he's good in bed, she can throw him a fish.
I love you, Amy.
Okay, I'm starting to feel guilty.
Aren't we being a little mean?
That's a fair point.
We wouldn't make fun of someone like this to their face.
Look, it's Stuart!
You may want to leave the room.
Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?
I know.
Do you think I should start watching the Flash TV show?
That's what you're thinking about?
Well, one of the things.
Are any of them me?
Yes.
I thought, I can't decide if I should watch the Flash TV show.
I know.
I'll ask Amy.
Anyway.
What are you doing?
You're right.
You did kind of kill the mood.
I didn't kill anything.
You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
Excuse me?
Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly.
I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
Really?
That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with?
Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
Irony's not really my strong suit.
But I have been getting better with sarcasm if you want to give that a try.
Oh, sure, I'd love to.
Whenever you're ready.
What are we gonna tell the girls?
It's not a problem.
I mean, without lying.
And now you've made it a problem.
Come on, we're a couple of smart guys.
I'm sure we can come up with a way to explain this that doesn't make us look bad.
Oh, the boys had to drive all the way to San Bernardino for the solder and got a flat.
They bought it.
Who are you texting?
Raj.
He really wants to see this movie.
He'll never make it in time.
I know.
I want to make him feel bad.
Ha ha.
Leonard and I are about to see Suicide Squad.
Spoiler alert.
When I see you, I'm going to spoil it.
You're a good friend.
Okay.
Would you ladies please leave the room for a moment?
Why?
I need to rub my genitals on their prototype.
Now, what you're thinking, isn't Broccoli Hulk basically just the Jolly Green Giant?
That is what I was thinking.
Let's never discuss it again.
Really?
Are you hiding from Penny again?
No, no, no.
I went to SoulCycle with her and my legs hurt so bad, I literally can't stand up.
Sheldon, why don't you keep him company?
All right.
Hello, Leonard.
Have you ever wondered what the Hulk would be like if he were made of sherbert?
I give up.
Delicious.
I'd rather not say.
Howard, if you want my help, I've got to know what happened.
But it's embarrassing.
Yeah, that's what I'm counting on.
Spill.
Okay, well, you know World of Warcraft?
The online game?
Sure.
Did you know that the characters in the game can have sex with each other?
Oh, God, I think I see where this is going.
Her name was Glissinda the Troll.
Bernadette walked in on me while we were doing the cyber nasty under the Bridge of Souls.
Oh, you're right.
That is so embarrassing.
Would you talk to her?
Bernadette or the troll?
Bernadette.
She was so mad at me, she wouldn't even listen to my side of the story.
Well, what was your side?
Well, for all we know, Glissandra the troll wasn't even a real woman.
I mean, she could have been a 50-year-old truck driver in New Jersey.
Really?
And that didn't make her feel better?
Have you guys seen this feature that lets you talk to Siri without pressing any buttons?
No.
How does it work?
You just say, uh, hey, Siri, what time is it?
The time is 6.37 p.m.
So now anyone can control your phone?
Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
Nice try.
It only recognizes my voice.
Oh, cool.
Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
I don't sound like that.
Here are some images of naked grandma butts.
Hey, good news everybody.
Now that I'm no longer with Amy, I have an extra ticket to the annual Thanksgiving lunch buffet at the Aquarium Cafeteria.
Who wants it?
When you realize you won't be going alone, I'll be there the whole time.
Providing fish and pilgrim facts.
Can you people hear me?
Hang on.
Hang on.
It's working.
I did it.
How do you do that?
No idea, but I did it.
You can't be flying it inside.
I'm not flying it.
Then who is?
I don't know.
Must be getting a Wi-Fi signal from somewhere else.
Initiate landing sequence!
Initiate landing sequence!
Hey, the camera's working.
Oh, look, it's me.
Next port, can I help you?
Yes, it's a robot uprising.
Call the police!
You really think they liked it?
Oh, sweetie, it was the best speech I've ever... Don't worry.
Everyone in here is safe.
Get through!
Shannon, get over here and help!
Okay, one second.
So why are you jumping up and down?
I'm trying to shoot.
Then use the shoot button, not the wonderful thing about tickers button.
That's it.
We're dead.
Challenge them again.
Doing it right now.
They can't.
There's an important Little League game tomorrow.
They beat us.
They're jocks.
What happened to me?
I used to excel at these things.
Kids are always better at video games.
Well, I don't like it.
If it makes you feel better, you still dress like a child.
No, and it's not just video games.
I downloaded the new OS for my phone.
Took me a week to stop accidentally texting kissy faces to everyone.
So our love is not real?
But I know how you feel.
I tried one of those electronic Japanese toilets, practically shot myself across the room.
I guess I just need to face it.
I'm no longer a wonderkin.
Now I just wonder what's for lunch.
Hot dogs.
Yay!
Neither of you done sensory deprivation before?
No.
Never.
Okay, just a heads up, people have different experiences in the tanks.
Some people experience perfect calm.
Some people sleep.
Some people even reported having visions.
But if at any time you feel uncomfortable, just press the panic button and say BB.
That's a stupid word.
That's my name.
What do we push if we feel uncomfortable?
All right, are you ready?
I'm not saying this is why we came, but can I close the lid on him?
No.
No.
Shall we?
One second.
Is the pH between 7.2 and 7.8?
Yes.
Is the water drained and replaced after each use?
Yes.
Is the saline level 30%?
Yes.
Does your filtration system use ultraviolet light to kill bacteria?
Yes.
I don't need to get in.
I'm relaxed already.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
I just wanted to make sure it worked.
Also, I changed my mind.
It's fun to say your name.
Bebe.
Bebe.
Bebe.
Bebe.
Bebe.
Bebe.
Hmm.
This is nice.
Sort of like floating in space.
But better, because my eyeballs haven't frozen.
Ooh, colors.
It's infinite iterations of the Nautilus section of the Mandelbrot set.
That's some good stuff.
Look at all the infinite Mandelbrot sets.
Herebrot, therebrot, everywhere Mandelbrot.
What are you guys doing?
We have a bunch of Bitcoin and an old laptop, and it could be worth a lot of money.
What?
You're kidding.
No, we could be sitting on a fortune.
OK, let the record show I did not marry you for the money, but you just got way more attractive.
Damn it.
It's not in here.
If only you had someone around with an eidetic memory.
I bet they would know what happened to it.
If you know, just tell us.
Well, excuse me, but if I recall from seven years ago, you don't want me to be a part of this.
Sheldon, you can't still be mad.
Oh, please.
I have grudges that go back to preschool.
Someday I'm going to find a grown-up Elaine Dwyer and eat her favorite crayon while she watches.
Is that why there's an Elaine Dwyer on our guest list?
Yes.
That night, I'm going to have the first dance and the last laugh.
Sheldon, please.
Should I be the bigger man?
I think you should.
Why'd I ask you?
Oh, that's great.
He's a Supreme Court justice and you're the U.S.
Constitution.
Yep.
He interprets me.
And guess what's underneath this?
The bill of tights.
Smart, funny, gorgeous.
Are we a match or what?
Hey, bird, what are you dressed as?
I'll give you a hint.
My work in seismic refraction measurements and... Hey, Stuart, what are you dressed as?
I'm a butterfly.
Did you steal those from Hallie's Let's Pretend box?
I'm gonna put them back.
All right, I'll tell you.
I'm Maurice Doc Ewing, winner of the 1960 Vetleson Prize, generally regarded as the Nobel Prize of Geology.
Oh, yeah, now I see it.
Ask me how I died.
Spoiler alert, brain hemorrhage.
Well, Cor, blimey, you look like a thousand tuppence, don't you, Mary Poppins?
Are you going to talk like that all night?
Jiff willikers I am.
Pretty cute.
He's going to get a spoonful of sugar later.
And I'm going to sweep Miss Poppin's chimney.
Never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.
Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.
Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught, or touched a Frisbee.
Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.
Oh, never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
Well, we all have a past.
It's nice to get back to nature.
Why don't I do this more often?
What a beautiful forest.
Hello, little butterfly.
What's your name?
Oh!
Whatcha doing?
I was enjoying some virtual reality.
You ruined it with your actual face.
What am I smelling?
Oh, it's car air freshener.
I was simulating the smell of the forest.
It's not what the forest smells like.
Well, how would I know?
Why are you pretending to be outdoors?
You hate it.
Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.
Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there.
Please kick down the door.
You're welcome to try, but the other day it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box.
Who is it?
You're doomed.
Don't say you're Doom.
Who opens the door for their Doom?
Good point.
Basket of puppies!
What?
Uh... Sheldon?
Are you Todd Czarnecki?
Yeah.
Who are you?
I'm Sheldor of Azeroth.
I want my things back.
I don't think so.
Let me see that.
Careful.
That's a collectible.
I know.
Always wanted one.
He's even more cunning than we thought.
You had no right to reassign my project.
No right at all.
Dr. Fowler, I don't understand.
Dr. Cooper assured me this is what you wanted.
Can you believe this guy?
Oh, sure.
So a couple of men get together behind closed doors to decide the fate of a woman's career.
I thought we'd move past this.
Sheldon, this is your fault.
Oh, sounds like the old lady's putting me in the doghouse tonight.
Dr. Fowler, you were very important to this university, and I would like to sincerely apologize.
So I can have my project back?
I'm afraid it's not that simple.
Why not?
Well, in order to free up personnel.
Hey, don't go mansplaining things to her.
I don't think that's what he was doing.
Oh, then perhaps you don't understand.
See, mansplaining is when a man explains things to a woman like she's stupid.
Boop.
Here's what I wonder about zombies.
Oh.
What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat?
They can't starve to death.
They're already dead.
You take this one.
I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror.
Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other.
Case closed.
Yeah, okay, so zombies.
I guess it depends on the zombies, Roger.
Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies?
Like in 28 Days, if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
You're thinking of 28 Days later.
28 Days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.
Hey, don't bag on Sandra Bullock.
You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter.
You actually think it's 2003?
No, just because I'm living my life like it was 12 years ago doesn't mean I'm delusional.
And since it is 2003, I don't know who you are.
So please exit the premises before I call the police on my stylish new flip phone.
Hello, 2003.
Hey, we brought you time... Where is everything?
In my present, it's in the future.
In your present it's been crammed in the bedroom by an enterprising young man I met in the Home Depot parking lot.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to get attention so we'll feel bad for you, but it's not happening.
No, what I'm doing is trying to figure out how to live my life now that everyone is leaving me.
Knock it off.
We're across the hall.
As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.
They're not saying that.
They are in 2003.
No, they're really not.
Let me start with maybe splicing some jeans.
Clone a sheep, perhaps grow a human ear on a mouse's back.
Ha-ha!
I'm a freak!
Well, I'm going to be doing some brainstem histology while you put yourself on the business end of a sponge and wash those beakers.
Wash those, oh, I get it.
A little hazing for the new fella.
Yeah, better keep an eye out for what?
Shoe polish on the microscope for mad cow disease in my grilled cheese sandwich.
No, I just need those beakers washed.
Hippity hop, quick like a bunny.
Excuse me?
You have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab.
You're gonna make him do the dishes?
That's like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar.
Sheldon, you've never worked in a lab like this before.
You have no experience in the field of biology.
I have plenty of experience in biology.
I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998 and it's still alive.
Let's do this.
How is that?
I can actually feel the toxins being pulled out of my skin.
Well, this is a moisturizing mask.
Oh, well, then I can actually feel the moisture going into my skin.
Hey, I hope you don't mind.
I used a little of your eye cream last night.
I thought someone looked brighter and tighter.
I'd still like to know who Jerry is.
Don't worry about it.
Hey, after this, how about we all go out and do something together?
That would be great.
Thank you.
You want to go shopping?
Ooh, yes!
Fun!
Or we could do something we'll all enjoy, like play a board game.
I've never played Dungeons & Dragons with girls before.
Oh, don't worry, sweetie.
No one has.
So what do you say?
I'll leave it up to the dungeon master.
A satanic fungus that looks suspiciously like Al Pacino rises from the forest floor and says you're playing DD.
You're playing D&D.
This whole apartment is playing D&D.
What are you doing in our dungeon?
You shall die.
Okay, literal goosebumps, look.
What do you do?
I draw my broadsword.
I ready my quarterstaff.
I drink my potion.
I see we attacked the big one.
You know what?
Give me the dice.
I want to roll.
The dungeon master's supposed to roll.
Yeah, well, I'm supposed to be in Vegas throwing up on a shrimp buffet.
Now give it.
All right, what do I need?
15 or higher.
15's the point.
The point is 15.
Give the little lady some room.
Here it is, coming out.
16!
Please tell me we're playing for money.
Oh, even better than money.
You gained experience points.
More potion, please.
Yeah.
What the hell did she say?
She thinks it's cool you're following your dream no matter what.
That bitch!
How do you want to handle it?
Um, okay.
Tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
Got it.
Is it gonna be in 3D?
What?
I don't know.
It doesn't matter.
I'm gonna say 3D.
That'll let her know the studio has faith in it.
You're kidding.
3D?
That's what I hear.
The studio must have real faith in it.
Why she didn't tell me?
Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
No.
Then why are you surprised she didn't tell you?
Well, it's not as much a surprise as, you know, the other thing.
What other thing?
Well, if you, uh...
I don't... What's the word I'm looking for?
I'm not gonna help you.
This is hilarious.
Now, LeBron James posted a picture of me and him on Instagram.
I don't see you.
Look right behind him.
No.
Okay.
You see that table just past his left shoulder?
Now go back two more tables and over to the right.
All I see is a yellow smudge.
That's me!
Oh, it's Raj.
Hey, Raj, I'm here with Penny.
What the hell did you two say to Anu?
Whatever do you mean?
Why?
Why would you tell her I wear ladies' deodorant? because you're a boy and it's really funny.
Okay, pardon me for having the confidence to smell Daisy fresh.
Do me a favor and stay away from her.
God, now I feel bad.
I know.
Maybe we should take her out again and do some damage control.
You know, that's a good idea.
Think she can get us into Soho House?
I don't know, but we owe it to Raj to try.
Pictionary is not a true test of any real intelligence or skill.
In all fairness, Pictionary has verbal skills, visual skills.
It's a pretty well-rounded game.
A lot of big talk from a man who can't draw a chocolate chip cookie.
All right, fine, pick another game.
Amy and I will beat you at anything.
Okay, glasses off.
Find Waldo.
Hurry up.
Find him.
Find him.
I'm trying.
Don't yell at me.
For goodness sake, he's wearing a hat, glasses, and a red striped shirt.
I know what he looks like.
Oh, there he is.
I got him.
Yes!
I win again!
How could you not find him?
Because he's hard to find.
If he was easy to find, the books would be called theirs, Waldo.
Play some vintage video games.
Tonight's selections include ColecoVision's Smurf Rescue and Gargamel's Castle, Atari's Cookie Monster Munch and for you text adventure aficionados Zork.
Pick me.
Pick me.
I'm fun.
That all sucks the big hairy meatball.
How about I go, get the karaoke machine out of my car, get plastered and blow the roof off this place?
Great.
I'll make a beer run.
And I'll take a shower.
We'll meet back here in 15.
Jack.
I'm unhappy.
We are going to put on music and dance in our underwear.
Ugh, can we just have sex?
Oh, don't worry.
Once you see my sweet moves, sex is inevitable.
You can see that Pierre did truly love the mademoiselle.
And now the young monsieur.
Inevitable, you say.
I'll just let my hips do the talking.
Wow, where did you learn these moves?
The world may have forgotten about Dance Dance Revolution, but not this smooth criminal.
I told you not to do the worm.
You were right.
