Hey, Sheldon's not here, so we are going to put on music and dance in our underwear.
Ugh, could we just have sex?
Oh, don't worry.
Once you see my sweet moves, sex is inevitable.
You can see that Pierre did truly love the mademoiselle.
Inevitable, you say.
I'll just slip my hips through the top, can I?
Where did you learn these moves?
The world may have forgotten about Dance Dance Revolution, but not this smooth criminal.
I told you not to do the worm.
You were right.
How about darts?
No, that's not fair either.
Why not?
Darts is a bar game.
You've been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.
Yeah, that's when it started.
57, 58, 59.
That's one minute.
Long division.
Long division.
Go, go, go.
Remember, show your work.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm not okay.
Get up.
We can't lose in math.
37!
Yes!
I like the way my hair looks.
I'm done tiptoeing around him.
Well, we're all guilty of it.
But why?
Because we were afraid to upset him.
Which happens anyway.
Well, that's over.
I'm done enabling him.
Like, this is his spot.
And the thermostat has to be set to his comfort level, even though he doesn't even live here anymore.
And I'm always chilly.
Is that why you wear a hoodie all the time?
Yes!
To accommodate children.
And what about this thing?
Why is it here?
I'll tell you why.
Because it was here when I moved in, and for no earthly reason, he forbade me to touch it.
Well, if you don't like it, get rid of it.
And put it in the closet.
You know what?
I will.
I bet that's the reason.
Erasing a kid?
I don't even eat my own vegetables.
Buddy, I think you might be overreacting.
And then there's this nose.
I mean, what if he looks like me?
Or worse.
Not to mention the impact on our social circle.
Everything's going to change.
Howard won't be able to come over as much.
But he could bring the baby here.
Then we'd have to baby-proof the apartment.
My sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom.
I have two doctorates.
I still had to go in the sink.
Oh, my God.
And do you have any idea how expensive having a kid is?
Yeah, I read that in Los Angeles, raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
A million dollars?
God, it's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.
That's it.
I got to start earning more money right now.
I know.
You could ask Bernadette for a raise in your allowance.
This isn't a joke.
I wasn't joking.
It'll be fine.
People have kids every day.
You'll figure this out.
Come on, this is great news, and you know it.
You're right, it is.
I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.
Hey, you know what we should do?
I'll get vasectomy so this doesn't happen to us.
Dear crazy future Sheldon, this is a thermostat.
It controls the temperature of the apartment.
The ideal setting is 72 degrees.
If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket.
A straight jacket, because 72 is the best, and you're crazy.
Now, this is your spot.
You're very protective of it.
When anyone else tries to sit here, you berate them relentlessly.
It sounds mean, but somehow you make it adorable.
People are also delighted by your love of pranks.
For example, Leonard has no idea what I did to his coffee.
It wasn't replaced with Folgers crystals, I'll tell you that much.
Hey, can we please get back to work?
This is Leonard.
He's your best friend in the world.
Just stop.
This is ridiculous.
Sometimes he gets cranky.
But you can trust him with your life.
And he does more things for you than I can even begin to list.
Thank you.
Oh, no, he's drinking it.
There wasn't ever going to be a winner.
There was going to be a selfish, petty person with a ring and three people who used to be his friend.
Is that really what you guys want?
Because if it is, fine.
I don't want anything to do with you.
And I don't know what happened in that bathroom, but I am not cleaning it up.
My precious.
I knew it.
Give us the precious.
Gimme, gimme!
Get off of me!
Gimme the ring!
It's mine!
Gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Gimme the ring!
This is interesting.
Apparently, a key component in some forms of humor is the element of surprise.
Well, that makes sense.
The prefrontal cortex is responsible for planning and anticipation, and patients with brain lesions.
Brain lesions.
Sheldon, you scared me.
That wasn't funny.
Maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.
Okay.
The notion that you can read a few books and come up with a definitive theory of comedy is absurd.
I mean, humor is a complex neurological... Okay, that's pretty good.
What you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom...
I'm happy to do it with you.
Everyone will think I'm weird.
Sweetie, you are weird.
Everyone knows you're weird, but they're all still here because they care about you so much.
Well, some of us need to check our hair because we might have a shot with Winard's mother.
Okay, everybody.
Sheldon is gonna come back out, but I think he's a little embarrassed, so let's all be extra nice, okay.
What are you looking at me for?
I'm a saint.
But a sinner in the sack.
Sheldon.
I know the future holds great things for you, and we all can't wait to see what they are.
Happy birthday, dear.
Cheers!
Someone call animal control.
There's a cougar on the woose.
Barry, stop.
Seriously, Barry, stop.
Do friendship.
Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking?
And the answer was elephant.
Oh, God.
Oh.
Okay, look, this never happened.
Do you understand me?
Really?
Still can't talk to me?
Glenner, check it out.
I bought an N-Gage locomotive, half the size of H.O.
Look, fits in my mouth.
Sounds like you had a great night.
I did.
How was yours?
Not bad.
I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
What exactly do you mean by that?
Turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time.
Although, truth be told, my groin's a little worse for wear.
To send a message.
She is not for you.
What?
Not for you.
I'm a little concerned.
Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.
So?
So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night.
I'll either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face.
That's rude.
One, two, three, eat!
Hey, guys, guess who's back from space?
Not now!
Blueberry in my nose!
Blueberry in my nose!
Slow it down and keep eating!
Leonard, I don't mean to alarm you, but the Chinese food smells funny.
That's because it's barbecue.
But it's Chinese food night.
I picked it.
You're the one who told me to stop being such a satisficer all the time.
What?
I did not.
I just pointed out that you were one.
It's what I like best about you.
Well, that and those little notes you leave in my lunch.
I leave those!
Well, that's disappointing.
I already know that you heart me, now I don't know if Leonard does.
Well, this is what we're having for dinner.
You can eat it or not, I don't care.
I guess that answers the heart question.
It's fine, we'll have barbecue.
Of course.
I am nothing if not flexible.
I am sure that at some point in the 3 000 year history of the chinese empire a cavalryman crossing the gobi desert was forced by hunger to eat his own horse and roasted over a campfire.
Hence chinese barbecue.
Let's eat.
I'm sorry i didn't watch the news today.
Has the whole world gone mad?
It's my house.
I'm tired of being told where I can and can't sit.
You did this.
Amy, grab your meat.
We're leaving in a huff.
I'm sorry.
If I don't go now, it's not a huff.
Don't take this the wrong way, but that was even more exciting than the sex.
Don't take this the wrong way, but yes, it was.
Get a little crazy?
What are you thinking?
Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
You are a dirty girl.
Oh, God, how did he know?
Hello?
Hi, Howard.
Am I interrupting?
A little bit, yeah.
Guess I should have called.
Yeah, maybe.
Tonight's the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the Palomino.
Uh-huh.
But he's working with Sheldon.
Yes, we know.
Want me to leave?
You know, whatever.
Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while.
Dripping faucets.
Leaky gutter.
Peeing.
It's not working, dude.
No.
It's working all right.
I have to pee.
Then let go of the ring and go.
Actually, I wouldn't mind going too.
Fine.
On the count of three.
One, two... Just to clarify, when you get to three, do we stand up or do we pee?
We stand up.
Excellent choice.
Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.
I've done it.
I've won.
The ring is mine.
It's mine!
We're going to clean it up and make it pretty.
My own.
My love. of emulating Spock was to rise above human emotion, which I've spent a lifetime mastering.
Oh, pfft.
Excuse me?
I'm sorry.
I'm not here.
No, you went, pfft.
What does pfft mean?
Um... You did go, pfft.
Okay, fine.
Well, Sheldon, I'm no expert, but aren't you completely missing the point of Spock?
He liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human.
Just like you.
I'm just saying, you pretend you don't, but you have feelings just like everybody else.
Not true.
No, look at me.
I had an engagement ring to give a girl, and instead she rejected me.
And am I emotional about that?
No.
No, I am sitting here on a couch talking about my favorite TV character like nothing happened.
Because I am just like him.
All logical.
All the time.
Sweetie, you're yelling.
Because when I speak at a regular volume, no one seems to believe me that I put this Amy nonsense behind me.
This documentary is going to be awesome.
Boy, oh boy, that's a lot of pieces.
You know what they all do, right?
Yes, of course.
What about this one?
Well, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?
Not very.
That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit.
So, can you get it working?
I'm an MIT-trained engineer.
I built components for the space station.
I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn't work.
It worked fine.
It just wasn't designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet.
Hi, Sheldon.
He's in my spot.
Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
Howard, what are you doing?
He wasn't using it.
And I needed a nice, cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
Get off there.
Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
Give me back my parking space.
You don't need a parking space.
You don't have a car.
You don't need an Iron Man helmet.
You're not Iron Man.
Well, we appear to have reached an impasse.
And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
I didn't pick up on that.
That's a nice stunt.
New contest.
What are you doing?
I am settling once and for all who is the smartest around here.
OK?
Are you ready?
Absolutely.
Bring it on.
Marsha, Jan, and Cindy were the three daughters in what TV family?
The Brady Bunch.
Okay.
Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer in what group?
The Brady Bunch?
Van Halen.
All right, Madonna was married to this Ridgemont High alum.
Oh my God, Sean Penn!
How do you know these things?
I go outside and I talk to people.
Okay, here.
What actor holds the record for being named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive?
William Shatner.
I don't think it's Shatner.
Then it's gotta be Patrick Stewart.
No.
Formal protest.
Alright, singer who sang Oops I Did It Again?
It's nice to get back to nature.
Why don't I do this more often?
What a beautiful forest.
Hello, little butterfly.
What's your name?
Oh!
Whatcha doing?
I was enjoying some virtual reality.
You ruined it with your actual face.
What am I smelling?
Oh, it's car air freshener.
I was simulating the smell of the forest.
It's not what the forest smells like.
Well, how would I know?
Why are you pretending to be outdoors?
You hate it.
Amy showed me a compelling study that demonstrated the cognitive benefit of spending time in the wilderness.
Buddy, I am ready to drive you into the wilderness any time you want and leave you there.
To play with a transporter toy.
But it's mint in box.
Yes, and to open it would destroy its value.
Consider this.
What is the purpose of a toy?
To be played with.
Therefore, to not play with it would be... Illogical.
Damn it, Spock, you're right.
I'll do it.
Sheldon, wait.
You have to wake up first.
Of course.
Set phasers to dumb, right?
Goodie, goodie, goodie.
This is wrong.
This is wrong.
I'm so excited, but this is wrong.
I'm gonna do it.
I'm doing it.
I did it.
That's what I always thought 1975 smelled like.
One to beam down, Mr. Scott.
Aye aye, Mr. Spock.
Energize.
Energize.
Don't be brave.
What did you make me do?
Okay, okay.
Think.
It's only logical.
These are on my iPad.
Can you pull them up?
Yep.
What's the code?
My birthday.
It's not working.
It's just the four digits, the month and day.
What number were you putting in?
Uh... You don't know my birthday, do you?
Yes, I do.
What is it?
May.
May what?
I'm not gonna say your password out loud.
That is not secure.
You don't know your own husband's birthday.
Well, you don't know everything about me.
Your birthday is December 2nd.
You grew up on Perkins Street.
The last four digits of your social are 7621.
And the odds of me letting you forget this are zero.
I feel like everything is falling apart.
Come on, it's okay.
No, it's not okay.
Look at me, okay?
I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and I'm still doing it.
I can't quit because guess what?
I can't do anything else, and I finally get my big break, and it goes away.
Such a mess.
No, you're not.
Really?
Because this morning at Starbucks, a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg.
And it wasn't the only one in there.
Okay, listen to me.
This is just a minor setback.
No, it's not, okay?
I've been out here for, like, ten years.
I have nothing to show for it.
Well, you have me.
You're right.
I do have you.
Hmm.
Let's get married.
What?
Leonard Hofstadter, will you marry me?
Um... Did you seriously just say, um?
You know I love you, but you're drunk and sad and feeling lost.
Okay, so you don't want to marry me?
That is not what I said.
No, forget it.
I take it back.
Offer's off the table.
Who's in the mood to laugh?
If someone and of course we don't know who this would be does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
I don't know.
Just tell him I went to the office.
Are you going to the office?
No.
Well, then how can I say it convincingly?
Just say, Leonard went to the office.
All right.
Leonard went to the office.
No, not like that.
Just Leonard went to the office.
This would have worked out a lot better if you'd just told me you were going to the office.
I'm going to the office.
See, why don't I believe you?
I'm going out for a while.
Okay.
Doesn't anyone want to know where he's going?
Okay, where is he going?
Leonard is going to the office.
That's my dad.
Now remember, do not bring up any baby stuff, right?
Not me not wanting one, not you having one with Zach.
Got it.
And if he brings it up, change the subject to literally anything else.
I got it.
But not the Cornhuskers.
Do not discuss the Cornhuskers.
Is that a sports team?
Never mind, you're good.
Daddy!
Hi.
Aw.
Hey, Wyatt.
Leonard.
Hey.
That's a hell of a handshake.
Oh, well, you know, I've been taking vitamins.
Dad, come on in.
Sit down.
Can I get you something to drink?
Maybe a beer?
Sure, if you're having one.
Why wouldn't you, since you're not pregnant?
Leonard wants to have a baby with my ex-boyfriend, Zach.
How about those Cornhuskers?
If we win, I'll be the fourth woman ever to win a Nobel in physics.
Wow, that's a big deal.
Tell me about it.
This morning, I blew through my antiperspirant in like an hour.
Plus, Sheldon's freaking out because we got in trouble.
I've got him distracted for a while. doesn't he know how to solve those normally yes but i'd switch the stickers around so i don't even think it's possible to solve it what no you didn't not the cube but the puzzle of why i couldn't solve the cube solution you switch stickers 2 9 32 and 51. really this thing has numbers anything has a number if you assign it a number friend number four Top five, not bad.
But I made a video.
I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, and I'd like to tell you why I should be chosen to... Go to Mars!
I'm exceedingly smart.
I graduated college at 14.
While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a PhD.
Penicillin can't take this away.
Being in close quarters, cleanliness is important.
My hygiene is impeccable.
In fact, animals don't trust me because I smell like nothing.
Literally nothing.
During the seven-month space flight, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humor.
Hey, Leonard.
Is there any peanut brittle left in that can?
You mean this weirdly suspicious one?
Yes.
Open it and check.
I don't get it.
There's actually peanut brittle in it.
Please go to Mars.
But on a more serious note, the most important reason I want to go to Mars is that I believe, as a scientist, it's my duty to push the boundaries of human knowledge forward.
Now, I know that life on Mars will be difficult, but life here on Earth is no picnic.
Also, picnics are no picnic.
Leonard, excellent.
I want to show you something.
Can it wait?
I need to talk to you.
Just look.
I've designed the perfect uniforms for our team.
The colors are based on Star Trek, the original series.
The three of you will wear support red, and I will wear command gold.
Why do they say AA?
Army ants.
Isn't that confusing?
AA might mean something else to certain people.
Why would a physics bowl team be called anodized aluminum?
No, I mean...
Never mind.
Check it out.
I got you a Batman cookie jar.
Oh, neat.
What's the occasion?
Well, you're a friend, and you like Batman and cookies, and you're off the team.
What?
Howard, Raj, and I just had a team meeting.
No, you didn't.
Yes, we did.
I just came from there.
Okay, I don't know where you just came from, but it couldn't have been a team meeting, because I'm on the team and I wasn't there.
Ergo, the team did not meet.
Okay, let me try it this way.
I was at a coffee klatch with a couple of friends and one thing led to another and it turns out you're off the team.
Why?
Because you're taking all the fun out of it.
I'm sorry, is the winner of the physics bowl the team that has the most fun?
Okay, let me try it this way.
You're annoying and no one wants to play with you anymore.
The end result will be a measurable enhancement to Penny's quality of life.
You know what, you convince me.
Maybe tonight we should sneak in a shampoo or carpet.
You don't think that crosses a line?
Yes.
For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
You have a sarcasm sign?
No, I do not have a sarcasm center.
You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?
Yes, but only to clean.
While I was sleeping?
And snoring.
And that's probably just a sinus infection.
But it could be sleep apnea.
You might want to see an otolaryngologist.
The throat doctor.
And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Depending on the depth, that's either, uh... a proctologist, or a general surgeon.
And Tara Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep.
All right.
This is a form indemnifying me from your use of Leonard's bedroom.
Sign here indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.
Good night, children.
Not yet.
We still have to go over safety procedures.
Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here.
In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
You're kidding.
I never kid about safety.
Whatever you got me, you can return.
No.
No.
After everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
What's this?
Read it.
Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information.
At the bottom.
In case of emergency, please contact Amy Farrah Fowler.
And there's my phone number.
This is the most beautiful gift you could have ever given me.
Well, I thought if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
And you picked me.
But like you said, you're my girlfriend.
Oh, Sheldon.
Okay.
Stop ruining Valentine's Day and order my pizza.
It's stipulated in the contract that your contributions to our invention are as valuable as my own.
Are you saying that his contributions aren't as valuable as yours?
No, I am not saying that because I kept saying that this morning and Leonard said stop saying that.
See, this is what happens every time we work together.
You know, hang on.
What if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?
No.
What I'm saying is you could add a clause to the contract that he can't make fun of Howard.
How would you enforce it?
Oh, please.
Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.
And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Yeah, that too. and scoot over.
Part of your shadow's on my spot.
Howard, what do you think?
I'm on board.
I'll add it right now.
Oh, baby, it's addendum time.
What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
No, Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Mortal enemy?
Mm-hmm.
Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but...
You really have a mortal enemy?
In fact, I have 61 of them.
Would you like to see the list?
Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.
You just got off the list.
Would you like back on it?
Just take a moment.
It's on a five and a quarter inch floppy.
A floppy disk?
I started the list when I was nine.
How did Wil Wheaton get on the list?
Good, your power's out too.
Why is that good?
Because last month I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note and a few snapshots of me in a bra.
Power failure.
Implementing power failure protocol.
What happened to all your glow-in-the-dark emergency exit stuff you had painted on the floor?
Oh, that was wildly carcinogenic.
Anyway, too bad, you're no longer entitled to the full benefits of my friendship, because I happen to be extremely prepared for such an emergency.
Please try not to see anything by this light.
It's not for you.
It's just a blackout.
I'm sure the power will be back on soon.
And I'm sure some fool in the Donner Party said the snow would stop any day now.
I like to think they ate him first.
Yeah, I got some candles in my apartment.
Candles?
During a blackout?
Are you mad?
That's a fire hazard.
No, Pasadena Water and Power recommends the far safer glow stick.
You call that a glow stick?
That is a glow stick.
Come on, let's go.
Before you go, consider this.
Not only do I have a deep-cycle marine battery power source which is more than capable of running our entertainment system, I also have all 61 episodes of the BBC series Red Dwarf and Fiddle Faddle.
All yours, if you're willing to reinstate the roommate agreement.
I've got wine at my place and some bubble wrap we could pop. he'll be back.
Wine and a girl in the dark, he's gonna be bored out of his mind.
There are a million great vacations you could take.
What about Hawaii?
Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed.
Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
How about Florida?
They got Cape Canaveral.
They got Disney.
They got my Aunt Ida and the world's largest collection of diabetic candy.
Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.
My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child.
A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach.
I got the message.
You know, if I had a week off, I'd go back to the Two Bunch Palms resort and spa in the desert.
I tell you.
An hour on the massage table with Trevor, and you'd feel like you were born without bones.
I don't think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.
Really?
What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing Xbox?
It's like I'm living in a dictatorship.
You must take a vacation.
You must have fun.
You must enjoy life.
I don't think you have a good handle on dictatorships.
Have you guys seen this feature that lets you talk to Siri without pressing any buttons?
No.
How does it work?
You just say, uh, hey, Siri, what time is it?
The time is 6.37 p.m.
So now anyone can control your phone?
Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
Nice try.
It only recognizes my voice.
Oh, cool.
Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
I don't sound like that.
Here are some images of naked grandmothers.
Hey, good news, everybody.
Now that I'm no longer with Amy, I have an extra ticket to the annual Thanksgiving lunch buffet at the aquarium cafeteria.
Who wants it?
You realize you won't be going alone.
I'll be there the whole time, providing fish and pilgrim facts.
Can you people hear me?
It gives the rest of you an opportunity to make my life easier.
Assuring yourselves, a footnote in my memoirs, tentatively entitled, You're Welcome, Mankind.
All right, then.
Just shout when you hear the task you want to undertake.
Dentist.
Okay, we can circle back to that one.
Who wants to take me Wednesday morning to get new heels put on my dress shoes?
Anyone?
Oh, that one had hoot written all over it.
All right, dermatologist.
Allergist.
Podiatrist.
Supercuts?
Okay, okay, here's a fun one.
I need a new picture frame and I have a hankering for Swedish meatballs.
Who wants to spend the day with me at Ikea?
Meatballs are pretty good.
What's that?
Nothing, nothing.
You want to tell me what's going on?
Is my distress that obvious?
Sheldon, please don't take this the wrong way, but when you're quiet even for a second, something's wrong.
It's true.
The fact is, I feel really bad for Amy.
We all do.
Just for fun, why do you?
Well, she didn't do anything wrong, but she's paying for my mistakes.
Wow.
What?
I'm just honestly impressed.
When did you start caring about other people's feelings?
Well, I laughed when Amy got a shock from the broken Christmas tree lights, so it was after that.
See, sometimes I wish I could invent a time machine so I could go back and prevent myself from acting so rashly.
Or moving forward, you could think before you speak.
I suppose so. but the time machine thing is probably more likely.
My problem is that I don't always know when I've gone too far.
Well, if you like, I could try to help you out.
You know, maybe let you know if you're crossing a line.
Oh, you mean like with a code word?
Sure.
How's shut up?
That's perfect.
People say it to me all the time.
No one would suspect.
Hard as this may be to believe, it's possible that I'm not boyfriend material.
Glad I was sitting down for that.
Did you and Amy get in a fight?
Amy had a fight.
I was being perfectly reasonable.
I'm gonna have a whiskey.
Do you want anything?
No, I can't.
I'm playing Grand Theft Auto later.
Look, I'm no expert in women.
I'll say.
That's not necessary when someone's trying to help you.
Oh, sorry.
It's the alcohol talking going on.
Sometimes with women, you want to listen to what upsets them and show them that you can grow and change.
Nuts to that.
What else you got?
Anything you can do that'll surprise me.
Hold on to that thought.
Ben.
Surprise.
Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.
My, my, that's a powerful smell.
I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky, Feynman, Wisecock.
Yeah, I get it.
You got a lot of cats and you gave them cute Jewish names. make wonderful companions.
They don't argue or question my intellectual authority.
And this little guy here, I think you'll find to be quite... zazzy.
You should have called sooner.
I got something I want to ask Bernadette, and I can't think of a better time than when I'm with all my friends.
Oh, hold on, Howard.
There's lots of better times.
Leonard, please, the man is talking.
Let him get it out and let the chips fall where they may.
Thank you.
Bernadette Marianne Rostenkowski.
Oh, God, what's happening?
I know things haven't been perfect with us and we've had our problems, but I just have to tell you from the moment I, Howard let me just stop you right here
This is it.
Yes.
Yes what?
Yes, I will marry you.
You will?
You will?
I will.
I will.
Oh, I love you so much.
Oh, I love you too.
Congratulations.
Oh, I'm so excited.
Got his enemies list.
Oh, he updated the interface.
You can search by first name, last name, or length of grudge.
Is Tam on it?
Let's see.
Yep, right here.
Tam Nguyen.
Great.
What did he do?
Hold on.
I have to agree to the terms of service.
No, I'm not a robot.
Okay.
Which of these are plants?
And we're in.
Great.
What does it say?
He knows what he did.
Oh, come on.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
If Tam knows what he did, we can just ask him.
He's going to be on campus tomorrow showing his son around.
That makes Sheldon mad?
Everything makes Sheldon mad.
Yeah.
Look at his list.
Jim Henson for, quote, putting a terrifying giant yellow bird on television and in my nightmares.
You saw her apartment.
I did.
Still a mess.
Lemon.
Yeah?
Why are you speaking Klingon?
Why are you speaking English?
This is ridiculous.
Penny, do you remember when I taught you obby-dobby?
A bab's a bowl of boot-la-bee-da-bye-da-boo.
What is the quantum mechanical effect used in code data on hard disk drives?
Howard.
And of course, the answer is giant magneto resistance.
Right.
Hey, I buzzed in.
And I answered.
It's called teamwork.
Don't you think I should answer the engineering questions?
I am an engineer.
By that logic, I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.
Just ask another one.
Okay.
What artificial satellite has seen glimpses of Einstein's predicted frame dragging?
And of course, it's gravity probe B.
Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Why?
Because it's polite.
What do manners have to do with it?
This is war.
Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again.
Leonard, you said I only had to ask questions.
The objective of the competition is to give correct answers.
If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
Oh, please.
You don't even have a PhD.
All right, that's it.
Howard, sit down.
Okay.
What's with all the yelling?
Leonard disproved my element.
Now all the attention is going to go away.
Oh, that's great.
You must be thrilled.
That's it.
I'm down to seven friends.
He's counting hobbits and superheroes, right?
When I thought the element was real, I didn't want it.
But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.
The element never existed.
I didn't take it away.
Science took it away.
Be mad at science.
Don't you dare use science against me.
Science is my best friend.
Oh, good.
I'm back up to eight.
Will you tell him he's out of his mind?
Actually, I get what he's saying.
Yes!
Nine!
Welcome back, buddy.
It's like if you're dating someone, you're not that into you, and then they break up with you and then you want them more than ever.
I have no idea what she's talking about, but we're ganging up on you, so I agree.
Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do?
Hide the information?
If I don't publish it, it's just a matter of time before someone else does.
No, no, of course you have to publish.
That's your responsibility as a scientist.
Doing otherwise would be unethical.
You have no choice.
Fine, I'll publish.
Can you believe this guy?
Hey, buddy.
Heard you're having a rough day, all right?
I'm OK.
How was the funeral?
It was nice.
A lot of people showed up, told some great stories about him.
Did you know that Arthur's son is a high school son?
Hey, the guys are about to start Jedi.
You wanna go watch?
I do.
After I make them go back and watch one through five first.
Sheldon, that'll take us all night.
That's true.
It's a good thing I had a nap.
You're my Obi-Wan.
I'm not familiar with that.
Is that an internet?
Wow.
You're dead, so I'm going to let that slide.
Obi-Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars.
After his physical demise, he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.
Well, that clears that up.
You must be here to give me advice.
This is weird.
Most of my robes open in the back.
Those are your Jedi robes.
What is this?
Be careful with that.
Whoa.
Oh, neato.
I'm, uh... I'm going to need a Band-Aid.
Hasn't Stephen Hawking played a word?
The guy's a genius.
Maybe you weren't challenging enough for him.
Not challenging.
I was humiliating the man.
I was thinking of writing a book called A Brief History of the Time I Made Stephen Hawking Cry Like a Little Girl.
Here's the problem.
You can't beat Hawking like that.
He hates to lose.
Everyone knows the guy's a big baby.
Forget the wheelchair.
He should be in a stroller.
Really?
One time, when I was working with him, he said that Johnny Depp was in the Matrix.
I told him he was wrong, but he kept insisting, so I looked it up online and showed him.
Well, the next day, he had a pizza party, and everyone got invited but me.
And then he was all, your invitation must have gotten lost in the Matrix.
Good Lord, what have I done?
Good Lord, what have I done?
Terrible.
All right, Hotshot, let's hear your Indian.
I can't sit on that elephant.
My ass is on fire from eating all this curry.
Okay, yeah, that's pretty good.
What's wrong?
I've made a horrible mistake.
What are you talking about?
This table.
It's in square centimeters.
I read it as square meters.
You know what that means?
That Americans can't handle the metric system?
Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000.
But the Chinese team found the element.
Yeah, well, they shouldn't have.
My calculations were wrong.
There must be some resonance between the elements I didn't know about.
So you just got lucky?
Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.
You and me both, brother.
It doesn't matter.
The element was found because of you, and that's groundbreaking.
What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder.
I'm not a genius.
I'm a fraud.
You know Sheldon, in neuroscience we're forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.
Oh, great.
Now I'm worse than a fraud.
Practically a biologist.
How's it going?
Uh, not so good.
We have to talk.
Oh?
You sound serious.
What's up?
Okay, uh, here it is.
I met this girl, and I kissed her, and I feel terrible about it, but it's done.
It's never gonna happen again, and I am so, so sorry.
Leonard, relax.
It's okay.
It is?
Yeah, these things happen.
They happen to everybody.
Oh, my God.
You are amazing.
I mean, I don't deserve you.
What do you mean, everybody?
Leonard, I didn't know if I should tell you, but I kind of cheated on you, too.
Kind of?
A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend.
So I guess we both messed up a little.
No, no, I messed up a little.
You messed up a lot.
Well, it's not a competition.
Oh, yeah, it is, and you won.
Such a fun night.
Probably because you got to see your man up there rocking the mic.
Yeah, you know, I was a little surprised when you decided to beatbox.
Oh, that was really an asthma attack.
I just sold it.
Oh, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.
Me too.
So you ever think about it?
Babies?
Well, I'm not in a rush, but someday, yeah, sure.
What about you?
I think we'd make amazing parents.
Will you guys keep it down?
On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.
I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs.
Now, Amy already has a real harp.
And it can play any song.
What are you trying to pull here?
No, I just thought it would be... Nah.
I know she's a fan of the Canterbury Tales.
So I found this cool map that illustrates the character's journey through England.
I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
But she's got Google Maps on her phone.
I don't know how to respond to that.
Well, I hope it's with a third good option, because these first two...
OK, well, luckily, I saved the best for last.
Since Amy's a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramon y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells.
And I managed to find this signed print.
Wow.
Oh, this is truly remarkable.
Thank you.
I think I'll keep it for myself.
What about your girlfriend?
It's too late.
I called dibs.
I'll call you when we get to the hotel.
And if they have any of those tiny bottles of shampoo?
I will bring them home so you can show me how Godzilla takes a shower.
Have fun.
Thanks.
Are you ready?
Uh-huh.
Bye, Sheldon.
You know what?
I feel uncomfortable engaging in a public display of affection while their relationship is strained.
Go ahead.
It's fine.
Bye.
Bye.
Let's go!
Bye.
Bye.
I'll miss you.
I'll miss you, too.
I'll miss you more.
Well, if X equals the amount that you'll miss me, then I'll miss you X plus one.
If you miss me X plus one, I'll miss you open paren X plus one close paren to the second.
Thank you.
Hey, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide.
I slipped and skinned my knee.
Are you okay?
Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family who insisted I stay for lunch.
That doesn't sound too bad.
It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.
Not done.
By the time I finally got to work, they'd given my shift away.
Yeah, that's right.
I've lost an entire day's pay thanks to this.
This... Time machine.
The lights flashed in the dish bins.
You want to try it?
No!
I don't want to try it!
My God, you are grown men!
How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books?
And now that!
That!
Again, time machines.
Oh, please, it's not a time machine.
If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
You considered massage?
I'd like to respond to that sarcastically.
Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.
I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.
Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.
Trust me.
With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process.
All right.
Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.
Rotating?
You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.
You mean the myofascial point?
Obviously.
Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.
Oh, dear lord.
Yes.
Yes.
Oh, yes.
Amy, I've never been touched like this before.
Oh, my hands are magic.
Don't flatter yourself.
Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system.
I could just as easily have paralyzed you.
