There's my girl.
Noticed you handing out some shekels.
How would one get on that train?
That was per diem for Philadelphia.
Ugh, that town smells like cheese sticks.
That town is full of history.
Andrea's the office bitch.
You'll get used to her.
Mm.
Creed.
I'm not offended by homosexuality.
In the 60s, I made love to many, many women, often outdoors, in the mud and the rain.
And it's possible a man slipped in. would be no way of knowing.
So strike, scream, and run.
All right, let's try it.
Hey, do one of you tell Stanley that I have asthma?
Because I don't.
If it gets out, they won't let me scuba.
If I can't scuba, then what's this all been about?
What am I working toward?
Creed?
Yes, sir.
Everything okay?
Everything's cool, dude.
I'm 30.
Well, in November, I'll be 30.
That is Northern Lights Cannabis Indica.
No.
It's marijuana.
I may have inside information that someone is hiding drugs in this very office.
Just pretend like we're talking until the cops leave.
Thanks.
Playing a little hooky from work today much do they want.
Three hundred dollars, what?
No, i could get a fish for a five cent worm.
Oh, you're paying way too much for worms man, who's your worm guy?
So hey, i want to set you up with my daughter.
Oh, i'm engaged to pam.
I thought you were gay then why would you want to set me up with your daughter?
I don't know.
Hey, cuz Heard, you're having money problems.
No, you didn't.
Listen, I got the answer.
You declare bankruptcy, all your problems go away.
Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy.
When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Schneider.
Creed, I noticed you don't have a resolution on the board.
What's yours?
I want to do a cartwheel, but real casual, like not make a big deal out of it, but I know everybody saw it.
There's one stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.
How's it going?
I'm having a little trouble motivating.
No, if you do that, I'm going to do that.
If you do that, I'm going to do that.
If you do this, I'm going to do that.
What if I just do it?
You don't want to do that.
I'm just hiding out until all this stuff blows over.
With Creed.
Playing chess.
At work.
He's winning.
I feel like I'm describing a dream I had.
Yo.
Is this his new chair?
No, he hasn't picked one yet.
Dot.
When Pam gets Michael's old chair, I get Pam's old chair.
Then I'll have two chairs.
Only one to go.
I've been involved in a number of cults, both as a leader and a follower.
You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.
Whoa.
Awesome.
Let's put a smile on that face.
Damn it, Creed.
I've been up since four.
It's a real shame about Ed, huh?
Yeah.
Must really have you thinking.
About what?
The older you get, the bigger the chances you're gonna die.
You knew that.
Ed was decapitated.
What?
Really?
He was drunk as a skunk.
He was flying down Route 6.
He slides under an 18-wheeler.
Pop.
It snaps right off.
Oh, my God.
That is the way to go.
Instant death.
Very smart.
You know, a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.
You're thinking of a chicken.
What did I say?
Someone complained that the men's room is whites only.
Stanley, you know that's not true.
I didn't say that.
And why is there a picture of a white man on the door?
I already won the lottery.
I was born in the U.S. of A, baby.
And as backup, I have a Swiss passport.
Does it hurt terribly?
No, it's not too bad.
They had me on a lot of painkillers.
Oh, really?
What kind?
Codeine?
Vicodin?
Percocet?
Fentanyl?
Oxycontin?
Palladone?
I have no idea.
I run a small fake ID company for my car with a laminated machine that I swiped from the sheriff's station.
I understand that's confusing.
Hey, brah, I've been meaning to ask you, can we get some Red Bull for these things?
Sometimes a guy's got to ride the bull.
Am I right?
Later, skater.
Look at where you're going to be doing the cartwheel.
So look where you're going to be placing your hand.
So pick a spot.
Mm-hmm.
You ready to do this?
Yes, sir.
You know what?
I'm going to stay here as long as it takes.
I really appreciate it.
I'm going to spot you.
I'll spot you.
Go.
I did it!
You did?
The perfect cartwheel.
Okay, good.
I'm in a rush.
That's all I had to do all year.
Congratulations.
Well, all right, see you tomorrow.
Oh, my God.
I find it offensive.
Au naturale, baby.
That's how I like them.
Swing low, sweet chariots. flirting with him.
You don't know that.
Some people can't help losing sexuality.
You ever notice you can only lose two things?
Sexuality and pus.
Man, I tell ya.
Beautiful morning at Dunder Mifflin.
As I like to call it, Great Bratton.
Keep it running.
Do I love being manager?
I love my kids.
I love real estate.
I love ceramics.
I love my job.
I love wrestling.
Find out what language this is.
Nobody steals from creed bratton gets away with it.
The last person to do this disappeared his name, creed bratton.
I didn't realize that everybody here dresses up every year me neither.
It's halloween.
That is really really good timing.
You told Toby that Creed has a distinct old man smell?
I know exactly what he's talking about.
I sprout mung beans on a damp paper towel in my desk drawer.
Very nutritious, but they smell like death.
Can you tell us what happened?
I was walking to the building and this man asked me for directions.
And he was holding a map.
And when I walked over, he had it out on the map.
Phyllis, you're a married woman.
The guy was just hanging brain.
I mean, what's all the fuss?
If that's flashing, then lock me up.
The Taliban is the worst.
Great heroin, though.
Oh.
Cool beans, man.
I live by the quarry.
We should hang out by the quarry and throw things down there.
Okay, team building.
On this side of the room, Stanley, Phyllis, Jim, Ted, Elroy.
On this side of the room, Pam, Meredith, Phyllis, Creed.
He never called a meeting.
Everybody.
This is creed and he is in charge of something that is correct.
Say hi to the kids hi kids, yay.
Have you ever seen a foot with four toes?
What are you doing?
Stop it.
Stop it, just no no no no, no.
Would you cut it out?
Bow body, bow body.
What does the first b stand for?
What are we doing?
We're making acronyms.
Okay.
What does the first B stand for?
Um, business.
I like it.
Business.
Good, Kevin.
All right.
The O. We need a new manager.
What are you doing in here?
This is the woman's room.
You're in here.
I pay for that privilege.
I'm a pretty normal guy.
I do one weird thing.
I like to go in the women's room for number two.
I've been caught several times and I have paid dearly.
I remember it was very late at night, like 11, 11.30.
Big fella comes in screaming about God knows what.
I think maybe Halpert had stolen his car, something like that.
So the big fella pulls out a sock filled with nickels.
Then Chirrut grabs a can of hairspray and a lighter.
You're useless.
Why do we as a society hate old people so much?
Because they're lame.
No!
Creed, no, they are not!
Jim.
Oh, cool.
That's from me.
Great.
Where'd you get it?
I don't know.
It was so long ago.
He obviously forgot to get me something.
And then he went into his closet and dug out this little number and then threw it in a bag.
Yep, that's exactly what happened.
I made a mistake.
Sorry I'm late, boss.
What's going on?
Sir!
There has been a murder, and you are a suspect.
Okay.
Hang on just a sec.
Let me settle in, and I'll be right back.
Very good.
Very good.
Now, no one was there in the wine cellar.
You know what?
Don't even worry about it.
Everyone was so drunk about it, no one even remembers what you said.
I remember.
I blogged the whole thing. www.creedthoughts.gov.www backslash creedthoughts.
Check it out.
Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog.
Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed's brain, I open up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top.
I've read some of it.
Even for the internet, it's pretty shocking.
Um...
