These are my personal opinions always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well -being Thought I'd try something a little different today By the way, glad you're here a little different thing that I'm gonna try today is Reading a question off of reddit.
A lot of people go to reddit they ask their questions personal questions work questions relationship questions and And I get a lot of relationship questions.
I think 99 % of the questions that I get are relationship issues.
And I've addressed, like, every angle of relationships, at least from the questions that I received.
But there's so many more.
There's so many more angles, there's so many more complexities to relationships.
Not just romantic relationships, but any type of interactive relationship that you have, Meaning you interact with each other.
You interact with people at work.
You interact with people in the store out in public on the road.
Hopefully you don't interact too much while you're driving.
That usually means there's some road rage going on.
But, uh, interactions in the sense that that's basically what we do in life.
We interact with other people.
Even if you're a complete introvert, you're eventually going to interact with somebody who either knocks on your door rings your phone or you go you have to go pay a bill somewhere or you have to go shopping or whatever.
And so I like to address all the complexities of these interactions.
My favorite things to address are when people show up in a toxic or difficult way.
I love talking about that stuff because I have all kinds of tricks and tools that you can use, and I've talked about this for many years over the past 11 years so far at theoverwhelmedbrain .com.
I've talked about difficult relationships at loveandabuse .com.
I have articles in both websites, and I've had podcast episodes all over the place regarding that.
And the reason I'm telling you that is that I've heard a lot, but I haven't heard it all, but I've addressed it all in some way, shape, or form out in the world.
However, I want to hear more unique and unusual things, or at least to me, more foreign things to me.
So I have a lot of people that write and say, hey, my partner is being difficult or emotionally abusive, what do I do?
I get those all the time, and I welcome them because I'm to address all of that stuff on the air but a lot of people's messages might go unanswered like i've said in a previous episode because they're asking very similar questions that i've received.
So today i'm getting around to this point today i decided to look at reddit to find out what's a question that somebody hasn't asked me yet or what's a situation that has come up for somebody else that maybe I can address, maybe you can challenge me.
I have had very challenging questions like what's, what's one that I can remember.
Like the person who wrote and said they were with somebody who was very difficult, very abusive but that person was in a wheelchair and needed assistance and so the person in the wheelchair was the abusive one and the person that was helping him was his wife or partner or something like that and he relied on her he depended on her for help and so it was very difficult for her because she's a kind caring person and she didn't want to just leave him because who would take care of him and I addressed that it was a difficult thing to address yeah there might be state programs, there might be nurses,
but maybe they don't have the money, maybe they don't live in the United States, maybe they live somewhere else where you can't get that kind of help.
There are all kinds of complexities and so those are the kinds of challenges I like to get on the air and talk about and give you my perspective, give you my insights and I hope I was able to guide that person in a way that was helpful to them.
I mean, just like, um, my love and abuse podcast or at love and abuse .com.
Somebody wrote to me and said, my partner is threatening suicide if I leave, what a hard question to address.
What do you do with that?
How, how do you guide someone like, uh, Hey, just leave, but what if they kill themselves?
Then what do you do?
You had to live with that.
But then, you know, of course you're not responsible for somebody else's behavior or actions but if you're kind compassionate caring person you're still gonna feel guilty you're still gonna hold on to some sense of feeling like you could have done something different or should have stayed or shouldn't have done this or shouldn't have done that because what they did was so permanent and it was also part of a typically a part of a manipulation part of abusive behavior because they want to coerce you by guilting you and it's another complex subject.
I'm not saying that every time it's like that.
Not everyone is out to abuse or guilt another person when they're threatening suicide.
Some people are really needing help and they are reaching out for help.
But again, complex subject.
So if you have a complex subject feel free to reach out to me.
I'm happy to hear about it.
Go to the overwhelmed brain .com and look for the contact button and let me know, just don't make it a very long message because the longer the message, the harder it is for me to get to it and the harder it is for me to address on the air.
And I'm happy to hear from you.
So feel free to write to me about almost anything that you're going through.
Can't say that I'll know all the answers, but if you want my insights, I'm happy to look at it and figure it out, but let's get back to Reddit.
because this person wrote um, I called my wife ungrateful I cancelled our date and I left her in the car to cry and I think this is a guy he says, how do I make her feel what I feel?
That's uh quite the question but it goes on to say that my wife and I have been together for a couple years we just got married and We are compatible in every other way except when it comes to her idea of gestures and how she feels loved She actually really appreciates traditionally romantic things but that doesn't come naturally to me but I oblige because it makes her happy.
That's good. One of the things she wanted me to do on one of the dinners was for me to pick her up in my car get flowers open the door and other stuff that she wanted me to do and I did all that but I forgot to get the flowers so last minute I ordered it off an app.
They were beautiful she said and she was really happy about the gesture and I said I can get you flowers every day all I have to do is order from this app her expression immediately changed when she found out that I ordered the flowers on an app like it was good as gifting her a bag of Doritos because no real effort went on my part that's what he said and she angrily said that she would have felt at least a little bit special if I had place an order directly from a florist." And I ordered it on the app so she was upset.
I was feeling frustrated at this point and admittedly got mad at her because it felt so silly and I felt underappreciated from the lack of gratitude when she said my gesture, in quotes, doesn't feel thoughtful anymore.
So I said, was the gift thoughtless or are you just thankless?
She started crying.
I ended up leaving her in the car downstairs in the complex and headed upstairs as I no longer felt like having dinner with her.
And there you go. Thank you to that person to share that on Reddit to share it with the world.
Getting advice. I didn't read any of the advice because I I don't like to be influenced when I do my podcast. I like to be original.
I like to just tell you thoughts directly.
So here are my thoughts on this.
I'm kind of laughing about it in a it's sort of like a nervous laughter like why would you say that to your wife?
And his original question included the question how do I make her feel what I feel?
Which tells me that okay he's hurt but this was a special moment and he felt that she was ungrateful because he did all these steps, and so on and on.
I understand there's hurt on both sides.
She expected things a certain way and he tried to show up that way.
When she didn't get that, when it didn't happen for her, she was unhappy.
I will say this right off the bat.
When she said she doesn't feel special anymore because he ordered flowers off the app, that's a bit harsh.
That's a bit harsh because he still did the steps.
He went through the steps and he didn't do it the way she had hoped but she's setting him up to fail if the how matters.
And I'm not saying that the how shouldn't ever matter.
Sometimes it does. But the other steps involved in just, I look at it this way, if this were my wife.
If she said, I would like this.
And I did that. If the flowers had to be delivered or you know, from an app or something and they showed up and she liked them and she asked, well where did you get these flowers?
You know, these are really beautiful.
I would have said, I got them off a nap, I found them last minute because I almost forgot, I would be honest. I almost forgot but I'm so glad they came right in time.
If she said well now I don't feel special anymore, that would be a shock to me.
Because I can't imagine that we would have the type of relationship where after being married, and in this case this person was married, they said they've been together for two years and just got married recently.
So it's a recent marriage, I read that wrong.
They were together for two years and recently got married.
So if I was just recently married to my wife and she said something like that, she said, well, now I don't feel special anymore.
I would want to know why she's making me feel bad about it.
What is the purpose behind that?
Why are you making me?
I don't know if I'd ask this, but I would say, hey, you know, I really tried to make this work for you, But it was really late and I got the flowers from an app because it was one of many things I was trying to juggle it juggle at the same time and it's a common thing that somebody might say and When she said well, I don't feel so special because you didn't go to the florist or call the florist. I would have to reflect on that and figure out where that's coming from and also understand that there must be something else going on in her life that There's a sense of her depending on me for her worth,
for her happiness. And I'm not saying that's a bad thing necessarily.
We all sort of have these little dependencies on one another for fun, for worth, for feeling love and loving, and for connection.
There are benefits to all these relationships that we have in our life, but when somebody is reliant on you to feel happy and to feel like they are worthy of being loved or worthy of attention or worthy of the process of getting them flowers when that's like a dependency where you rely you are dependent on someone else to make you happy or make you feel worthy then you might have a response like that like oh you didn't call the florist so you skipped a step or you forgot because it wasn't important enough for you to remember therefore that is something that you're doing against me instead of for me
which is an perspective I'm just thinking about this out loud but I look at someone this guy for example he he went out there and did something for her not against her but did it did one of those steps in a way that made her feel less worthy less valuable and I'm just making some assumptions here but this is usually where a comment like that will come from like now I don't feel so special there's little bit of I want you to feel guilty in that comment now I don't feel so special so if you feel guilty then I will have achieved something and I know I'm doing some armchair analysis but these are my
insights my opinions but the way I look at relationships romantic relationships is that we both want each other to be happy we both want each other to feel good and so here is one trying to make his wife feel good and then when it doesn't work out the way she wants she says something to make him feel bad and I'm not saying that was her intention I'm not saying that she did that with the purpose of making him feel guilty but that might be in there and if that's in there then I'm pretty sure there are other qualities about the relationship that are suffering as well, I do wonder if there's a codependent
nature to this relationship where she has some perhaps dysfunctional need for someone to show up for her almost as a parent would, like that's where she gets her worth and her happiness and without that person she might feel like she had been abandoned or rejected those are the kinds of dysfunctional needs that we might carry into a relationship with us.
And when we do this is the kind of interaction we might see it's a very subtle thing and I mean it's parts of it are subtle, but the very obvious overt thing is now I don't feel special anymore.
And that hit you right in the heart, like wow!
And also this person was angry because he had gone through so many steps and tried to fulfill the effort to make her happy according to him.
He tried to fulfill the effort to make her happy.
And also according to him, he forgot.
He forgot the flowers at the last moment, and he used an app to get them instead, still fulfilling his role, his purpose in doing all this.
And I get it. Let's just say that you had a birthday and your significant other or somebody important to you forgot, and you were expecting them to at least say Happy Birthday, but they say nothing and the day goes by.
Do you let the day go by?
I personally will do this, I'll actually let some of the day go by, but she always remembers, but just in case she didn't.
Like the night comes or somebody else in my life that I know always says it, just case they missed it that day.
I might remind them, hey I'm gonna go do this for my birthday and they might say oh my god it's your birthday oh my god that's right and then we'll both laugh because I'm not dependent on them remembering a single day of the year that will be something that is supposed to pop up in their head.
I mean now we have phones so everything just pops up on our phone and tells us, but remember before phones or before reminders?
Boy you had that birthday down on the calendar somewhere, but sometimes you might have forgotten.
And should we be punished for forgetting?
Is it something that we do all the time or was this just a one -off?
If somebody says happy birthday to me for 36 years and they forget one year, I'm gonna give him a break.
If they forget it for 36 years and then tell me one year I'm gonna give them a break and be happy because my birthday might be important to me but it's not as important to everyone else and this is just one example.
Maybe you have a an anniversary or birthday that you feel is important and they feel is important but one of you forgets.
Well if you forget your own birthday that's on you but it can happen.
we can forget an important date and then that day goes by and how do we feel about it?
What do we bring into the conversation?
Do we laugh about it and know that it's only human to forget and it wasn't intentional and I think that's where everything should be measured.
Is in the intention.
If your intention is to get somebody a gift and you forget is it something that you should be chastised for?
Should somebody put you down for it?
Somebody make you feel guilty?
Maybe. Maybe they will.
And maybe it's deserved because it was a very special occasion.
Or maybe it's just something that happens to all of us and can we get past it?
I think it's more important when we're younger.
Like this couple is in they're like 30 and 31 according to Reddit because that's what they do.
They give their ages.
And because that's very young to me, it's very young, then you're going to have issues that you haven't resolved yet, especially in yourself.
You're going to bring your own issues into a relationship that you haven't resolved yet that you might expect the other person to fulfill resolve for you so if you have a dysfunction like a fear of abandonment and don't take that the wrong way it doesn't mean you're dysfunctional it just means it prevents you from feeling functional from moving forward without having this fear that holds you back or changes your behavior changes your thought processes that's what dysfunctions do they change how we decide what we decide, who we choose to be in our lives, anything that prevents a normal function I
consider a dysfunction.
So a fear of rejection or abandonment even though it might be a very real thing for many people it was for me for many years.
I consider a dysfunction because it prevents normal function, normal healthy forward progress kind of function.
A forward progress function might be, I don't have a fear of abandonment, therefore I'm not going to be clingy and possessive and jealous in our relationship because I don't want to control you I want to accept you as you are because I care about you and I want you to feel comfortable being yourself.
I see that as a very healthy relationship perspective or perspective in a relationship and when somebody has a dysfunction, the approach to relationship issues changes.
I see dysfunction in this couple's relationship.
There is some dysfunction.
Certainly the wife, and again, this is an armchair analysis.
I only have one side of the story.
Who knows what else is going on here?
So it's unfair, as I'm calling this unfair of me, to make this analysis without having both sides.
But from what he wrote, if we were to look at just what he wrote, I see that as a possible dysfunction that she has where she takes a personal offense to someone giving her something good, a gift for example, but not in the way she wants.
So the reason I see that as a dysfunction is because of her response.
There was no reason to say she doesn't feel special anymore.
She could feel it. She could process it.
She could talk about it later, or even then she could talk about it.
But to say that is sort of a passive -aggressive response.
In my opinion, it's passive -aggressive to say now I don't feel so special because what's the purpose?
What's the intent? The intent I detect is that she wants him to feel bad, and if he feels bad, there must be a gain, a benefit for her to have him feel bad, which I'm going to continue with my analysis, which is going to make him try harder to make her feel good, which means maybe doting, maybe up for it for awhile.
And it could be something that she does that she doesn't even realize she's doing.
It could be a behavior that she doesn't realize she benefits from.
Like, her passive aggressive comment, the way I see it.
It was a passive aggressive comment meant to make him feel bad.
She may do that to get a benefit that she doesn't even realize that she gets.
That's a secondary gain.
I've talked about that before.
You may know about it, but it is a benefit that you get from a behavior that you do that doesn't seem like it benefits you.
Like if she feels sad and says, now I don't feel special anymore, that sadness has a benefit or those words that she told him have a benefit or a combination of both, and that makes him do something that benefits her.
That's why I see this as a possible secondary gain from a passive -aggressive comment that she made.
and I know I'm really focused on what she said, that she doesn't feel special anymore, and I know there are people out there that probably agree with her.
Well, if it's important, he shouldn't have forgotten.
I can't tell you how many times my wife has said that.
Unfortunately, not to me.
She says it about herself.
She will actually say, I can't think, what is that?
I was supposed to do something, I forget.
And then she says, well, it couldn't have been that important because I forgot.
I always laugh at that because we do forget important things.
It happens all the time.
It's the way the brain operates.
We can have something in our mind and it can be very important and we know we have to do it and we're supposed to do it at three o 'clock and then three o 'clock comes around and then five o 'clock comes around the seven o 'clock comes around and then we go...
damn it. It's three o 'clock, I missed it.
I was supposed to be on that call, I was supposed to do it and I missed it.
Damn it, that's pretty important if you feel that badly about missing something like that.
It happens all the time, though.
That is human nature, maybe not to somebody with a photographic memory, but most of us don't have that, so that's going to happen.
So, I don't want my wife beating herself up because she missed something important forget something important I look at it this way it'll come back it'll come back around I mean yeah if you missed your flight well that's pretty important but usually there are so many other things tied to something as important as a flight like I'm flying to this city for this reason so that's attached to the flight then I have to be at the airport at this time that's attached to the flight of course and I have to have my tickets ahead of time that's attached to the flight so all this stuff is attached and the more
things you have attached to something the more likely you're going to remember it and then we look at something like this which is one of a million things you're gonna do in your relationship a million nice things and a million important things that you're gonna do in your relationship and they just got married and she probably has that on her mind because like I said there are people out there saying but I agree with her they shouldn't have done it that way and if that's you I'm not gonna say that you're wrong and I'm not going to say that you're passive -aggressive if you you would say something
like that I'm just saying that if we don't allow if we don't give somebody room to make mistakes it will create a rift in the relationship because a person will feel like they can't ever be good enough which is ironic because the woman here I would assume that she didn't feel good enough for him to call a florist ahead of time and she didn't feel good enough for him to remember to get everything organized before this all happened.
She probably felt that way as well.
But when there's no leniency, when there's no leniency in a relationship and you just blame somebody or make them feel bad for something they didn't do the way you wanted them to it will create some emotional disconnect emotional and physical maybe distance and that distance will widen it will increase as time goes on if more of those behaviors are present.
So if there are more passive -aggressive comments made to make him feel bad.
He will feel even less willing to want to do things for her, because he will feel that he screws it up or he doesn't do it good enough.
It's not perfect enough for her, whatever his thoughts are.
And so he may back off from doing nice things for her.
But, what can change all of that is if she laughs it off or says, no, nothing to worry about, don't worry about not going to the florist. I'm just glad this is all happening.
And there's a gratitude for the, the big picture instead of the details and the how.
What will likely happen is that he will want to get that positive feedback again, and not only do something special again, but maybe even better next time.
And it will make him happy to see her happy because now he feels her gratitude and he also feels like he is being being accepted for the imperfect person that he is.
And that goes a long way.
When you're with somebody and you accept them for all their imperfections like I accept Asha for all her ADD.
She knows that I talk about her on the air but she will say, hey, I want to make dinner tonight at six o 'clock and I'll say great and then I'll know in my head that six is going to roll around and dinner is not even going to be started and then by nine pm we're gonna be eating something else.
It just happens. We actually had a conversation on that today and totally cool with it cuz I know her I know her personality I know her ADD is there and just the way she's wired and of course I make dinner that when it's not being made so it's not like I'm ungrateful and just sitting there doing nothing sometimes I am sometimes I will just sit there going hmm I wonder if she's gonna make dinner I'm gonna trust that she's gonna make dinner and it may happen sometimes it happens sometimes it doesn't and of course yes I do make dinner when she's not making it but I've gotten used to just like she's
gotten used to all the nuances of each other we have nuances hey you said you're gonna do that but you didn't do it well that's just a nuance that's no big deal will you do it now great okay no problem but if she asked me 20 times yeah she's gonna get upset I've seen that too I've asked you over and over again and you still won't do it.
I don't remember you asking me what?" Then we have a really big conversation on it.
Point is that we both know we have nuances and we work with those things and that's what keeps the bond strengthened.
It keeps the connection tight.
We are connected and we love each other dearly.
So when these things happen, I mean this is a 10 -year relationship, we've been together 10 years.
So, it's a lot easier to go yeah, that's just who they are.
That's who my wife is and she can say yeah that's who he is.
And when you accept that, this is how I see a healthy relationship.
I accept that person with all their imperfections.
And I love them with all those imperfections even though they drive me crazy.
And I don't resent them when they show up the way I know them to be I think that's important unless you do resent if you resent somebody the way they show up then that needs to be talked about I don't like when you say you're gonna empty the garbage but you never do and that feels disrespectful to me so let's have a conversation about it that could be the conversation that you have or maybe it doesn't go anywhere because you expect more just like this person may expect more from the relationship but in this case the wife may not like the way her husband shows up maybe like I said I only have one
side of the conversation here maybe he has done things before and forgotten many things and this is just another thing that he forgot and now she's upset and now she's saying you know it doesn't feel very special anymore you say you're gonna do this stuff and it always comes in half -baked and now I've gotta figure out if I'm even being treated special or you're just going through the motions because you don't really want to do this for me I mean there could be other things going on in there.
Absolutely. I can see it.
I can see both sides of this.
But looking at the words today what I see is that a person going in the right direction by doing something special for the person in his life.
And like he said, her feeling ungrateful.
Now, at that ungrateful moment, that's when he said, was the gift thoughtless, or are you thankless?
I would call that active aggressive, it's sort of like in the middle between passive and active aggressive.
But he was clearly frustrated and he said something he shouldn't have said.
I wouldn't recommend saying something like that.
In fact what is a good response to that?
Now you don't feel special anymore?
Maybe a good response is well you still are.
You are still special to me.
Yeah, I messed that up but I still wanted to make sure that you got your flowers because I love you.
I care about you and I want this date to be as close to perfect as I can get it and I'm so sorry that I didn't do it that way but I knew that it would be worse if I didn't get him at all so this is what we're doing and that kind of makes up if she is coming from a passive -aggressive place that kind of bypasses that I'm not saying it's gonna be the way that he should always handle it because eventually he's going to feel resentful toward her and what you know if he said hey I still think you are special you are the most wonderful person of my life if he still said that and then she was okay with that but later
on she was ungrateful for something else he is going to start becoming resentful that's when the emotional divide the sometimes physical divide happens in the relationship is that we're not getting positive feedback from the person And all we're getting is you're doing it wrong.
And if we hear that we're doing something wrong or we're doing a part of it wrong and we tried to make up for it next time but there's still a problem with it, eventually that's going to wear a person down and they're not going to want to do anything special for the rest of the time together and then the closeness is gone and the love kind of wanes and disintegrates and we don't want that to happen.
So yes, there are many ways that this could have ended better, but in this case I don't even know if they're still together.
This, according to this Reddit posted, said it was posted like six days ago and they've even locked the post so that no new comments can be posted.
So I can't even say hey listen to that episode.
I decided to answer it on the air, but I wanted to address this because I think it's an important topic, and it has a lot of little tendrils on it that can lead in other directions as far as subject matter about what we can talk about.
So I might do this again.
I might pick another Reddit post someday and just talk about where we can go with it because there are so many other challenges in our lives that we may need to address that or could happen to us or that we might be doing?
How many times have we said something or did something that either somebody was ungrateful for or somebody nit -picked and said, well you did that but you didn't do this.
I tell you what, if you're in a relationship with anyone who points out little things you didn't do right, that relationship doesn't have a good chance of surviving.
If you point out the little things that somebody else doesn't do right and ninety percent of what they do is okay but that ten percent is wrong, if that's the focus and it usually is because as soon as we say something negative it becomes a focus but if that's what comes out more often than not that's going to hurt the relationship and I can't imagine the bond strengthening from there if that is something that happens often.
so maybe you got something from this today maybe it was just interesting hearing my perspective on how this should have gone or could have gone did I have any I think I might have had another comment on it let me look real quick oh yeah I didn't really focus on this part where she said it was like getting her a bag Doritos because no real effort went on his part so I can understand why he might see that or hear that comment and realize that she was ungrateful for what he did the rest of the time.
So you know there are other opinions I have on this that are more personal than professional because some people show up in a certain and you have opinions about that.
Like what, why would somebody do that, why would somebody say that?
And I have opinions on both of these people so, if you're on one side or the other, I'm not favoring one over the other.
Even though I do think I leaned toward her passive -aggressive comment as being the impetus for everything that happened, at least from the words in this post. And again, who knows.
There could be a lot more going on here that I don't know about.
Maybe he's a jerk. Maybe this has been happening for a long time and he's been ignoring it and maybe somebody thought that getting married would make things better.
That's not what happens.
Marriage amplifies what already exists.
So if there are challenges while you're in a relationship and while you're engaged.
Marriage doesn't fix things.
It just permanentizes things.
And not only that, it adds fuel to any fire that's already burning.
So never believe that marriage is a fixer.
Marriage is just an amplifier.
If you're having problems before the marriage is going to bring those problems out even more.
Yes, there are certain people that get married where there are no problems and then suddenly they're married and there are problems I've seen that too.
It's a whole other set of variables but especially when there are problems before you get married those problems are still going to be there and will likely most likely be much worse afterward. And then you really have to deal with it.
I appreciate that person sharing that story on Reddit and giving us something to talk about today.
Thanks listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons and the people who donate to this show.
I'm very grateful to you.
You warm my heart every time I see someone giving out there and I just want to say thank you so much and if you value the show and you want to give back head over to moreTOB .com and there are ways to give back over there.
Thank you patrons. Thank you to those who donated and I am very grateful for all of you and I mentioned it before my other podcast, Love and Abuse is about navigating the difficult relationship, the controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive relationship.
Sometimes you don't even know that you're in one of those and it has a lot of very helpful information and will arm you with knowledge.
Listen to my other podcast, When You Get a Chance called, Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse .com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship I have a very comprehensive program that will absolutely change your and help you stop being that difficult person.
This program took me about a year and a half to create.
It's called Healed Being and it is like I said comprehensive.
It is going to change your life and the lives of people around you if you are the person that may be causing hurt and harm to people you care about.
Head over to HealedBeing .com if you want more information on that and to get your free lessons.
And with that always keep your mind open because That's how you make the best decisions and be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want Always take steps to grow and evolve You are powerful beyond measure and above all and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you You are amazing
