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Dating is hard, divorce is harder.
Being with someone is hard, breaking up is harder.
Being single is better than being with the wrong person.
Being single is better than settling for the wrong person.
And being single is better than settling for less than you deserve.
The number one health and wellness podcast, J Shatty.
Jay Shetty. The one, the only, Jay Shetty.
Hey, everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
I'm your host, Jay Shetty, and I am so grateful that you're back here for another episode.
Thank you so much for tuning in.
And this is gonna be an episode that you send to all your friends, because I know so many people right now who are dating in their 30s are struggling because the mindset that I'm old, that it's too late, that it should have happened earlier, is the biggest block for them.
The biggest thing blocking you back from dating and finding love in your 30s is that you think it's too late.
You think it should have happened earlier.
You think it should have happened in your 20s.
You believe that for some reason you're the last one, you're late to the party, that somehow you miss something special that was meant to happen in your 20s.
And I know a lot of people feel this way, that's why if you've ever felt this way or your friends have, this episode is for you.
If you've got a friend out there who's just gone through a tough breakup, send this episode to them.
If you've got a friend out there who's tired of online dating, send this episode to them.
If you've got a friend out there or if it's even you who's saying to themselves or even if they're not saying it that's the interesting thing right.
It's not that we're saying it but we're thinking it.
I'm too old, I miss something.
It should have happened earlier.
This episode is for you.
The truth is you're not behind.
The truth is it's not too late.
In fact, your 30s can be one of the most empowering, transformative times in your life when it comes to relationships.
And today, I'm going to walk you through some of the mistakes we made in our 20s that we don't do anymore so that we recognize why our 30s can be powerful.
And by the way, some of the mistakes that we may be carrying through into our 30s that we can avoid.
Before we begin, let's acknowledge something.
Society feeds us this narrative, this timeline, that you should be dating by a certain age, you should be married by a certain age, you should have had kids by a certain age.
But we all know that that timeline isn't even necessary.
We all work at different paces.
We all find what's meaningful to us at different times, and the research actually backs it up.
According to a 2022 study by the Pew Reset Center, the average age for first marriages has been steadily increasing.
For men it's now 30 years old and for women it's around 28.
The study also found that nearly half of adults aged 18 to 44 in the US are single, and the number of people getting married in their 30s and even 40s has risen significantly in the last few decades So if you're in your 30s and still not married, it's not a red flag It's actually becoming more and more common and research published by the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in 2021 also highlights that people in their 30s are better equipped for successful long -term relationships This is because by the term we reach this age we're more self -aware, have a better understanding of what we
want and have more emotional maturity to navigate the complexities of romantic relationships.
And that's a really big point there.
There is no substitute for emotional maturity.
Long -term relationships require one thing and one thing only – maturity.
And you can't substitute that.
You can't manufacture that in your 20s.
There was also something else that I read that was fascinating.
A study published by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that people who marry later in life are happier in their marriages.
Specifically, couples who marry in their 30s report higher levels of satisfaction, less stress, and a stronger emotional connection.
What's the reason? They've had more time to figure out their needs and find a partner who's truly compatible.
I'm sharing that with you because I think we underestimate, we truly underestimate the power of what our theories has.
Another study by the University of California, Berkeley, revealed that people who marry later tend to be healthier.
They report lower levels of depression and anxiety, and have better overall wellbeing.
So, let's really reframe the idea that you're behind.
Let's really re -frame that thing that's stopping us from actually finding love at this moment in our life.
In our 20s, we're figuring out who we are.
In our 30s, we're being clear about who we want.
You're still trying to figure out who you are in your 20s, your deal breakers, your red flags, your type, and whether you're into long -term or casual relationships.
In your 30s, you know what you want.
Whether it's a relationship, casual dating, or just being on your own.
You've got your deal breakers locked in.
You've spent time figuring out what you want because you've been through plenty of bad experiences.
I think it's really interesting how, if you remember one of the first people you had a long -term relationship with, they just felt like the right person.
Not because you actually knew but because you've just been with them for a long amount of time.
And it's really interesting to me how the time bias creeps in.
If you've been with someone for a year and they're your first serious relationship, you assume they must be the one, whereas in your 30's, when you've been with someone for a year, even if it's feeling positive, there's a part of you that wants to build on that.
There's a part of you that wants to be clear about what you want.
In your 20's, even if you're not, you're going to find people who are playing games.
The difference is in your 30s, you're playing it straight.
In your 20s, if someone was playing games with you, you had to kind of figure out how to play games with them.
Maybe you stayed up all night trying to decode every text or maybe you wanted to make sure you didn't come on too strong or stay too distant.
If someone played games with you, you had to find a way to play games back.
Maybe you were even the one who started the game.
But in your 30s, you're slowly getting that confidence to say what you mean.
You're getting the confidence to be into someone and be honest with them.
You also get the confidence to say, this isn't for me.
It's simpler. In your 20s, you either shifted, you pivoted, you molded, you played along, this time it's game over.
And I think that's a superpower.
You've outgrown the dating games.
You don't have time to waste on mixed signals or mind games.
And that's a really thing to be really important to take into consideration.
In your twenties, people played games with you, so you had to learn to play the game.
In your thirties you play it straight, so it's game over.
There's no more room for games.
Now, in your thirties, you're still figuring out who you are, but I promise you, you're more clear on who you want.
You're clearer because you know the mistakes you've made.
And this may take a second to shift from self -discovery to self -assurance, but I encourage you to do it.
Reflect on the mistakes you make.
Reflect on the bad decisions you made in your twenties.
Take a moment to make a list of all the men you dated in your twenties that weren't right for you.
Take a moment to reflect on the women you dated that weren't the one for you.
Why did you make that mistake?
What did you get misled by?
Was it their aura, was it their charisma, was it their talent?
What was it about that person that distracted you away from your values?
And that's the other thing.
In your 30s, you have a stronger take on what your values are.
You have a stronger understanding and commitment to what your values are, because you know what it feels like when you trade your values.
You compromised your values in your 20s.
You allowed yourself to be controlled in your 20s.
You allowed someone to compare you to someone else in your 20s.
In your 30s, you're committed to your new set of values.
In your 30's you are committed to not being controlled, to not being played with.
There is a superpower in that, and I don't want you to lose sight of it.
In your 20's you ignored red flags.
In your 30's you are starting to trust your gut.
In your 20's you might ignore the little red flags or you tell yourself you can change them later.
In your 30s, you realize red flags are deal -breakers, and if something feels off, you trust your gut and move faster.
One of the biggest realizations in your 30s is you've learned the hard way that ignoring warning signs only wastes time.
Trusting your instincts saves you drama.
The big lesson here is in your 30s you've realized one thing, people don't for people.
People don't change for you.
They change for themselves if they want to, when they want to.
You can't change anyone else.
You can't change someone.
You can't change their priorities.
You can't change their likes and dislikes.
You can't change their focus.
You can't change their ambition.
You can't change their drive.
In your 20s you convinced yourself that you could change what that person aspired to be.
That you could edit, you could mold, you could in some way inspire them to become different.
In your 30s you realize that that's a person.
They're not a project.
They're a person, not Not a project.
They're a human, not someone that has to become a high performer because you want them to.
And they're a person, not potential.
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In your 30s you realize that's a person not a project.
That's a person not potential.
That's a person, not someone that I have to make perform in the way I want them to.
In your 20s, you convinced yourself that you might be able to shift, mold, inspire, and it might even have been well -intentioned.
But you now recognize that it isn't going to that way.
It doesn't work that way.
So you learn the hard way.
You're not going to ignore those little red flags anymore.
You're going to raise them early.
It's not that you run away or distance yourself.
You're conscious enough to make them a part of the conversation, to make them a part of the dialogue.
You value talking about difficult things.
You value raising something, not worrying about whether it pushes someone away.
Don't underestimate the power that you have in your 30s.
In your 20s, you are chasing sparks.
In your 30s, you're seeking stability.
In your 20s, you were infatuated with chemistry.
In your 30s, you're inspired by compatibility.
In your 20s, you chase that intense, emotive, firework feeling.
In your 30s, you realized that solid, stable communication and mutual respect is at the heart of a real connection.
It's really interesting when you go through that shift, right?
You used to feel that you wanted this constant feeling of living on the edge.
Oh my God, when are they going to message back?
Oh my gosh, when are they going to reply?
Oh my God, what shall I tell them?
Oh my God, when are they gonna turn up?
Oh my gosh, what are they gonna do?
You lived in that conscience state of anxiety, of drama, of uncertainty and where did it get you?
Left you heartbroken, left you lonely?
In your 30s, you realize someone who messages on time, that's the kind of person I want to be with.
In your 30s, you realize someone who turns up on time who shows up for me, yeah, that's the kind of person I want to be with.
In your 30s you recognize, oh yeah that person who checks in with me.
Oh I really like that.
I don't want someone who doesn't message back.
I don't want someone who doesn't call to check in.
I don't want someone who makes up excuses every time we were meant to do something.
Sure it felt exciting to pursue someone to have the chase, to feel like they may or may not want you and figure that out.
But in your 30s, you recognize I want clarity.
I want clarity over fake chemistry.
I want spontaneity over a false spark.
It's not that it has to get boring, but you realize the value in peace over drama.
In your 20s, you might even pursue drama.
In your 30s, you pursue peace and avoid trauma.
You know what it feels like.
you don't want to invite that back into your life.
In your 20s, you might have settled for comfort.
Maybe you even stayed in a relationship for too long.
In your 30s, you're consciously holding out for the right fit.
In your 20s, you might have settled.
Stayed somewhere for longer than you needed to.
Accepted less than you deserve because you were worried about being lonely.
In your 30s, you recognize that being alone is a part of life.
And actually, when you can feel comfortable in that discomfort, that's when you can truly find and attract someone into your life.
In your 20s, you might settle for someone because they're good enough or because you don't want to be alone.
In your 30s, you don't settle.
You're clear that you'd rather be single than be in a relationship that doesn't feel right.
you've figured out that being alone is better than being in a relationship that doesn't meet your need.
For people who feel pain of being single, it's important to remember this.
There's the pain of being single and the pain of being in the wrong relationship.
And every time the pain of being in the wrong relationship is worse than the pain of being single.
I know so many people who are married but want to be divorced.
I know so many people that are engaged but don't look forward to their wedding.
I know so many people that have been married for years and don't know a way out.
That is so much harder than trying to find the right person.
It's so much harder than trying to ask the right questions.
it's so much harder than being curious.
Dating is hard, but divorce is harder.
Think about that for a second.
It's a lot harder. It's how the mind is always, the grass is greener on the other side.
And there's the famous quote that says, the grass isn't greener on the other side, the grass is greener where you water it.
And that's the shift I want you to take into your 30s.
The grass is greener where you water it.
Water it here. Water it in your 30s.
Stop thinking that your 20s were the best time to date.
Not only are they not coming back.
You don't live there anymore.
So we don't want to keep our mind somewhere that we can't go back to in somewhere that we don't live.
We can't even visit it again.
It's not even like a vacation that you want to go back to because you had such a good time.
Knowing that time is moving forward, don't focus on moving backwards.
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Dating Is Hard Divorce Is Harder Being with someone is hard. Breaking up is harder.
Being single is better than being with the wrong person.
Being single is better than settling for the wrong person.
And being single is better than settling for less than you deserve.
In your 20's every break up feels like the worst thing ever.
In your 30s, you've recognized that you can bounce back stronger.
In your 20s, a breakup can feel like the end of the world.
In your 30s, you waste less time wallowing, you focus on healing yourself, you recognize that it's more something you want to do for yourself than to get over someone else.
In your 20s, you think healing is getting closure.
In your 30s, you realize healing is building confidence.
In your 20s, you feel healing requires an apology from them.
In your 20s, you realize healing requires you to forgive yourself.
In your 20s, healing means trying to get over someone else.
In your 30s, healing means doing it for yourself.
It's a really powerful place to be because now every term you're healing, even if you are broken up with, even if you are mistreated, even if someone does take advantage of you, you're putting your energy and emphasis into yourself.
You're using it as an investment in yourself rather than an investment in someone else using brain power or brain energy elsewhere.
In your 20s, you overthink every detail.
In your 30s, you experience and enjoy the moment.
In your 20s, you might over analyze every text, every date, every comment, wondering if they're the one.
And in your 30s, you slow down a little.
I want you to slow down a little.
even if you are feeling pressure, I want you to take that pressure off.
I want you to experience it for what it is.
And maybe as you've been listening to me, you're thinking, Jay, I'm not doing that in my thirties.
I'm still feeling the pressure.
Well, I want you to rise to this.
In your thirties, you understand that relationships take time to unfold.
You're cool with letting things develop naturally instead of rushing the process.
This is how I want you to approach your thirties.
Anything I might say, you might even say, Jay, I don't really relate to that, I'm probably making the same mistakes, well, this is what I want you to aspire for.
This is what I want you to rise to because that's how you do the work.
That's how you make a shift in your life.
In your twenties, you are riding the highs.
In your thirties, you keep things grounded.
In your twenties, you might get swept away in the excitement of the honeymoon phase and let the little things slide.
In your thirties you know the honeymoon phase fades so you look for someone who can handle the lows as much as the highs.
The best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst times in the best ways.
Let me say that again.
The best relationships are the ones that deal with the worst times in the best ways.
The best relationships are not the ones with always having the best times, having the best moments, having the best experiences, and in your thirties you prepare for that.
You prepare for that with your partner.
You anticipate your first fight, you recognize how you handle disagreements, you think about it with that person and if they don't want to think about that then they're not your person.
In your thirties if someone doesn't treat you well, you don't work harder you move on.
In your 20's you would have shifted, changed, molded, transformed yourself to be liked, to be treated better.
You would have worked harder to be treated better.
In your 30's if you're not treated better you don't work harder you move on.
In your 30's if people take advantage of you you realize it's their loss.
In your 20s, if people took advantage of you, you let them continue to do it because you believed it was your loss if they left. In your 30s, if they don't like something about you, you don't change yourself.
In your 20s, you would have shapeshifted in order to make things work.
The three things you need to be really attentive about in your 30s is be better at noticing love bombing.
If someone comes on fast, slow it down.
If someone comes on too strong, focus on building real strength.
Don't let yourself be gas lit more than once.
We all make mistakes.
We all get fooled once.
Don't get fooled twice.
And remember, you are going to be a part of someone's healing and they're going to be a part of yours.
Everyone's You just want someone who's willing to help you unpack and let you unpack this.
That's what you need.
I really hope that this has re -inspired you for dating in your 30s, made you recognise that all the experiences you've had, all the challenges you've had, all the pains you've had have actually given you the insight, the lessons, to not make the same mistakes, but it's your job to slow down and really reflect and take it in.
Remember I'm always in your corner and forever rooting for you.
Thanks for listening to On Purpose.
If you enjoyed this podcast you're going to love my conversation with Michelle Obama where she opens up on how to stay with your partner when they're changing and the four check ins you should be doing in your relationship.
We also talk about how to deal with relationships when they're under stress.
If you're going through something right now with your partner or someone you're seeing, this is the episode for you.
No wonder our kids are struggling.
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I think a lot of people think that you're supposed to be going to therapy once you're like having panic attacks every day, but before you get to that point, I think once you start even noticing that you feel a little bit off and you can't maintain this harmony that you once had in relationships, that could be a sign that maybe you want to go talk to somebody.
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