You're listening to Business English Pod, the Business English podcast for professionals on the move.
Hello and welcome back to Business English Pod.
My name's Edwin and I'll be your host for today's lesson on how to resolve conflict.
Just say the word conflict and people usually get uncomfortable.
Most people want to avoid conflict at all costs.
But conflict in the workplace is unavoidable.
In fact, it's a natural result of people working in groups.
And in a healthy organization, conflict can actually be constructive.
It can lead to personal and professional growth, as well as new ideas and ways of working.
But those positive results of conflict can only be realized if people are willing to face conflict directly and honestly.
If people ignore a conflict or refuse to face it, then bad things can happen.
Unresolved conflict leads to toxicity in poisoned relationships or teams.
Given enough time, it can destroy a company.
So if you experience conflict with someone at work, what can you do?
Well, the first step involves trying to work things out one-on-one.
You need to talk privately and openly.
And when you do, it's important to focus on the impact of the other person's behavior and to try to identify the root cause of the problem.
At the same time, you should consider the other side's views and ask them about their perceptions, rather than just focusing on yours.
Stick to the facts as you try to resist arguing and always look for possible solutions.
In today's dialogue we'll hear a retail manager named Trevor try to resolve a conflict he's having with Andrew, a manager at another store in the same company.
Trevor is trying to calmly deal with the situation and find a way to improve their working relationship.
As you listen to the dialogue, try to answer the following questions.
1.
What does Trevor say he felt as a result of Andrew's behavior?
2.
How does Trevor respond when Andrew gives him examples of employees that have changed workplaces?
3.
What solution does Trevor propose?
Thanks for taking the time to chat, Andrew.
I know you're busy, but I just wanted to talk through a few things that have been on my mind.
Okay.
Yeah, well, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things.
That's not necessarily a problem, but I guess it's how we do it that concerns me.
Not sure I follow.
Well, for example, look at our regional managers meeting last week.
I really felt like I was being attacked because you kept interrupting and I feel like you dismissed a lot of my ideas out of hand.
Really?
I don't remember interrupting you.
I do remember disagreeing with your ideas though.
They simply weren't practical, and we're supposed to be able to discuss these things openly.
Yes, for sure.
But I guess I feel that there's something going on.
It feels like you're putting up barriers repeatedly.
I just want to know why.
Is there something I did or said that's upset you?
No, not at all.
I wouldn't just oppose your ideas for no good reason.
You sure?
Might as well get things out in the open now.
Is there anything else bothering you?
Well, there are some things that bug me.
I mean, separate from what happens in meetings.
You know, this has been happening for a while now, and I think it's worth discussing.
So, you think I've been poaching from your team?
Can you give me an example?
Yeah.
Think about Jay Connor.
And Lindsay Tate, just to name two.
Really?
So, tell me what you think happened there.
Why do you think they wanted to make a move?
They were happy with us.
Then I hear you started nosing around, and then pretty soon they're working for you.
Pretty straightforward.
I think there's a misunderstanding here.
They both actually approached me.
Jay was interested in working closer to home, and Lindsay mentioned some personality conflicts.
Didn't get into details, but wanted a change.
I actually encouraged her to talk to you about it.
Didn't mean to step on any toes.
Well, you did.
And come on, Trevor.
I find it hard to believe that you don't know what you're doing.
Listen, as I said, I think this is a misunderstanding.
And I'd like to just figure out how we move forward.
How we can maybe prevent this kind of thing in the future.
Stop poaching my people.
Start with that.
Okay, I was actually thinking of this as more of a communication issue.
I mean, maybe I could have given you a heads up as soon as they approached me, just to keep you in the loop on what was going on.
A heads up?
Yes, and maybe we can figure something out for meetings too, the whole interrupting thing.
Like I said, I don't recollect interrupting you, so I don't see how that's an issue.
But this whole business of poaching people is something we definitely have to talk about.
Now let's go through the dialogue again and look at the language and techniques Trevor used during his private discussion with Andrew.
Thanks for taking the time to chat, Andrew.
I know you're busy, but I just wanted to talk through a few things that have been on my mind.
Okay.
Yeah, well, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things.
That's not necessarily a problem, but I guess it's how we do it that concerns me.
As you can hear, Trevor starts by showing his appreciation for Andrew's time.
It's important to set a positive tone like this, rather than being negative or confrontational, even if you're frustrated.
Also notice that Trevor doesn't think that disagreeing or not seeing eye to eye is a problem.
Instead, he wants to focus on how they disagree.
This is Trevor's way of mentioning the behavior that he feels is a problem.
Let's listen.
Not sure I follow.
Well, for example, look at our regional managers meeting last week.
I really felt like I was being attacked because you kept interrupting and I feel like you dismissed a lot of my ideas out of hand.
Trevor is not only talking about Andrew's behavior, which includes interrupting and dismissing or rejecting Trevor's ideas too quickly.
He also focuses on how it makes him feel with I statements.
In particular, he says, I felt like I was being attacked.
That impact is important because often people don't realize what effects their behavior has, and helping them understand those effects can help them see a reason to resolve the situation.
Also, when people hear you, you, you all the time, they can get defensive.
Let's run through some more ways of using I statements to talk about the impact of someone's behavior.
I have been really stressed out about this conflict.
I find it difficult to focus on my work when you're raising your voice.
I get really frustrated when you criticize me so much.
Now let's hear how Andrew reacts to Trevor's I statements.
Really?
I don't remember interrupting you.
I do remember disagreeing with your ideas though.
They simply weren't practical and we're supposed to be able to discuss these things openly.
Andrew doesn't come out and apologize for anything.
Instead he denies interrupting Trevor and he describes his disagreement as healthy, open discussion.
But as with most conflict, the behaviors we see are signs of something deeper.
And Trevor wants to figure out what those deeper problems are.
Yes, for sure.
But I guess I feel that there's something going on.
It feels like you're putting up barriers repeatedly.
I just want to know why.
Is there something I did or said that's upset you?
Trevor is trying to get at the root cause of the problem.
He wants to know why Andrew is putting up barriers or making Trevor's work more difficult.
And the best way to do this is to ask someone directly.
Conflict resolution requires open and honest conversations.
We can't just dance around the issues.
Trevor also asks if something he has done has caused the problem.
Again, this might make Andrew feel less defensive or less like he himself is being attacked.
How else can we try to identify the root cause of a problem?
Let's practice some more examples.
So, I'd like to ask, what's the root cause of this issue?
Maybe we can figure out why this has been happening.
Is there something else that's made you angry or upset?
I'm curious if there's something more going on here that's causing problems.
So does Andrew come out and explain the root cause of the conflict?
No, not at all.
I wouldn't just oppose your ideas for no good reason.
You sure?
Might as well get things out in the open now.
Is there anything else bothering you?
Well, there are some things that bug me.
I mean, separate from what happens in meetings.
You know, this has been happening for a while now, and I think it's worth discussing.
Trevor has to ask a couple more times and encourage Andrew to get things out in the open or reveal how he really feels.
And eventually, Andrew begins to explain what bugs or bothers him.
Let's jump ahead a bit in the conversation as Trevor digs for more information on the problems.
So you think I've been poaching from your team?
Can you give me an example?
Yeah, think about Jay Connor.
And Lindsay Tate, just to name two.
It turns out that Andrew believes Trevor has been poaching or stealing employees.
So what do you do when someone accuses you of doing something wrong?
Do you immediately deny it or explain yourself?
Well, a big part of conflict resolution is listening actively to what the other person has to say.
So at this point, Trevor doesn't try to deny or explain or defend.
Let's hear what he does.
Really?
So tell me what you think happened there.
Why do you think they wanted to make a move?
Trevor is asking Andrew about his perceptions.
He wants to know why the employees he mentioned wanted to make a move or change from Andrew's store to Trevor's.
He's still trying to understand and to listen, even if he thinks Andrew has falsely accused him of something.
Let's try some more ways of asking someone about their perceptions.
Tell me, what do you see as the reasons for this argument?
In your opinion, what caused that whole situation with Carrie?
What did you think when you heard that I was getting the promotion?
Why do you think Tom spent so much time helping me?
So what does Andrew think about Jay and Lindsay's move to Trevor's store?
They were happy with us.
Then I hear you started nosing around, and then pretty soon they're working for you.
Pretty straightforward.
I think there's a misunderstanding here.
They both actually approached me.
Jay was interested in working closer to home, and Lindsay mentioned some personality conflicts.
Didn't get into details, but wanted a change.
I actually encouraged her to talk to you about it.
Didn't mean to step on any toes.
Andrew clearly suggests that Trevor tried to take away his employees.
And now that Trevor understands how Andrew sees the situation, he can explain his side.
He tries to clarify the employee's reasons for moving from Andrew to Trevor's store.
And he notes that he actually encouraged one of them to talk to Andrew about her situation.
As he says, he didn't mean to step on any toes or to interfere with Andrew's work.
But does Andrew accept Trevor's explanation?
Well, you did.
And come on, Trevor.
I find it hard to believe that you don't know what you're doing.
Listen, as I said, I think this is a misunderstanding.
And I'd like to just figure out how we move forward.
How we can maybe prevent this kind of thing in the future.
No, Andrew doesn't accept Trevor's explanation.
He's clearly upset, and he continues to accuse Trevor of deliberately trying to steal his employees.
At this point, Trevor could defend himself or explain further or talk again about Andrew's behavior, but he doesn't.
When you try to resolve conflict with someone, you will find many opportunities to argue or to get into a back and forth about who did what and who meant to do what.
It's important to resist these opportunities.
The situation can quickly become unproductive as people stop listening and get more and more upset.
Trevor resists the argument with Andrew, repeating that he thinks it's a misunderstanding and asking how they can do things differently in the future.
What are some other ways of resisting an argument?
Let's run through some more examples.
I really don't think we should get into all that again.
Let's just focus on how we can work together better in the future.
I understand you're upset, but I'd like to talk about solutions.
Maybe it's best if we just take a break and talk about this later.
Does Andrew have any ideas for improving how they work together?
Stop poaching my people.
Start with that.
Okay, I was actually thinking of this as more of a communication issue.
I mean, maybe I could have given you a heads up as soon as they approached me, just to keep you in the loop on what was going on.
Andrew is still focused on accusing Trevor of poaching employees, so it's up to Trevor to propose solutions.
He focuses on communication, suggesting he keeps Andrew better informed of discussions with his employees.
As he says, he should have given Andrew a heads up and kept him in the loop.
Both of these expressions mean to keep someone informed.
Of course, the entire purpose of addressing conflict openly and honestly is to find a solution.
You want to improve the situation and to use the conflict as an opportunity for growth and development.
So after talking and listening, you need to propose a solution.
Let's practice some more ways to propose solutions during conflict resolution.
Maybe we can try having more regular project meetings.
Could we both agree to being better listeners?
I think it would be best to ask for help with these things sooner.
One thing we could do is make sure we CC each other on emails.
Now let's hear the end of the conversation.
A heads up?
And maybe we can figure something out for meetings too, the whole interrupting thing.
Like I said, I don't recollect interrupting you, so I don't see how that's an issue.
But this whole business of poaching people is something we definitely have to talk about.
Some conflicts are especially tough, and it can be hard to feel you're making progress.
Andrew certainly hasn't been easy to deal with, but Trevor should feel good that he's remained calm.
Andrew is finally admitting there's a problem they need to talk about, but it might be time to involve a third party to help resolve this conflict, as we'll see in the next lesson.
Now let's practice some of the language we learned in today's lesson.
Imagine you work as a manager for a big company and you're experiencing some conflict with a colleague.
You feel the person has been talking about you behind your back or when you're not around.
You'll hear a cue from your colleague.
Then I'll give you a suggestion for what you can say in response.
We'll guide you through each step in the practice and provide an example answer for each response.
Ready?
Let's give it a go.
So, you're saying I'm talking about you behind your back?
Start by saying yes and that this creates a lot of stress.
Well, that's what it seems like and it creates a lot of extra stress.
I guess I didn't realize that I was doing that.
Now ask if there's a reason why he has been talking about you.
Answer.
Okay, but is there a reason why you have been talking about me?
Well, I'm not sure why you didn't pick me for the project team.
Next, ask him why he thinks you didn't pick him.
Answer.
Okay, can you tell me why you think I didn't pick you?
It's fairly clear you don't really like me.
Isn't that it?
Now resist the argument and say it's best not to make this personal.
Answer Listen, I know you're upset, but let's not make this personal.
Um, it's hard not to take it personally when you keep overlooking me.
Now suggest that you explain your selection criteria and decisions more clearly.
Answer i see, so maybe i need to explain my criteria and decisions more clearly.
Now let's practice some of the vocabulary we've covered in this lesson.
In a moment you'll hear a series of sentences with the word replaced with a beep.
Repeat each sentence, including the missing word.
For example, if you hear, You can say I think we need to discuss this and get things out in the open.
After each response, we'll provide the correct answer.
Let's begin.
Hey Todd, make sure you give me a I think the problems with Jane are just a simple personality.
Answer I think the problems with Jane are just a simple personality conflict.
Answer.
Frank and I don't usually see eye to eye on financial matters.
Have a great trip, Mary, and just keep me in the on your progress.
Have a great trip, Mary, and just keep me in the loop on your progress.
We've reached the end of this lesson, the first in our series on conflict resolution.
We've learned how to use I statements to talk about the impact of someone's behavior and how to identify the root cause of a problem.
We've also looked at asking about perceptions, resisting an argument, and proposing solutions.
Thanks for listening, and see you again soon.
