Welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on, and then I give you my own professional advice, and today's topic is a tricky one.
It's a tricky one because, compared to all the other topics I've discussed on Advice Session, I really struggle with this one more than all the other topics.
This is something I really don't have all figured out.
And I don't claim to have anything all figured out.
I'm a student of life.
I'm learning more every day.
I'm never going to have things all figured out.
But in particular, I really don't have this one figured out.
However, I've come a long way.
I grew up in the age of social media.
I got Instagram in middle school.
I've been comparing myself to people on social media since I was 10 years old.
I've dealt with the beauty standards that have been pushed onto us from social media, since my brain was literal prepubescent mush.
You know, like this is... I developed...
I developed with internet-induced beauty standards.
I grew up in the age of the beauty filter.
I grew up in the age of cosmetic surgeries becoming normalized to the point where they are the beauty standard.
This is all I know.
And that's not to say that...
Prior to the internet, prior to social media, beauty standards weren't incredibly challenging to deal with and like equally as horrible.
I'm not saying that at all.
I think it was just different.
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Now back to the episode.
I think, the difference between beauty standards pre-internet and post-internet.
This is just a hypothesis, by the way.
I don't know for sure.
But if I were to try to distinguish a difference, I would say prior to the internet.
I mean, it's a very complex topic.
Beauty standards very complex.
But I think at a high level.
If I were to find a difference, I would say prior to the internet, the beauty standards perhaps were based on celebrities that were on television, in magazines, in fashion campaigns.
And it almost didn't feel like real life.
Like there was this degree of separation where, when you saw something on television, when you saw something on a billboard, there's almost this feeling of like well, that's not even a real person.
Even though it is, there's a disconnect.
I think the challenge with post-internet beauty standards is that our brains perceive social media content as being more real.
Therefore, when somebody looks amazing on social media, it feels like a deeper cut, because social media is other normal human beings.
Does that make sense?
And I think, again, this is like oversimplifying the topic.
But when I think of the new complexities that come with beauty standards in the age of the internet, that's what I think of.
We, we almost compare ourselves perhaps more violently to people that we see on social media than to say, a perfectly airbrushed billboard or a movie where you know there's professional makeup artists on set.
Like, perfecting everything and lighting is perfect.
Like we expect that out of those environments.
Whereas on social media, subconsciously we feel like this is real, more real.
And so we compare ourselves even worse.
I don't know if that's even accurate, but that feels accurate to me.
Again, that's more of a hypothesis than it is like a statement.
I'm not stating that that's true, but that's how it feels to me.
And that's how it's felt to me, like growing up in the age of social media, and I assume most of you have also grown up in the age of social media.
You've experienced this yourself.
But I think too, the normalization of getting work done, Botox filler, getting your lips done, that's filler right.
I don't know.
That being normalized in our generation has also made things a bit more complicated, because the beauty standard now is based on like, non-human traits, you know, like who would have thought this would have happened?
So it's a particularly challenging time for beauty standards, or not even particularly challenging, but it's a uniquely challenging time to find self-acceptance I think unique is the right word for it.
But also I have had a unique experience with body image and self-acceptance and beauty standards because I'm a public figure on the internet and That adds a level of complexity to these types of challenges that we experience in life.
Like, for example, today I posted on Instagram and...
My particular pose today was a photo dump, if you will.
And in this photo dump, in a lot of the photos, I wasn't wearing makeup.
In a lot of the photos, the lighting wasn't the best.
And that's not always the case with my posts on Instagram.
Sometimes, a lot of times, you know, I'll take a gorgeous photo in a gorgeous outfit and the lighting is perfect and I color grade it to perfection and I add grain and everything.
It just looks gorgeous.
You know what I mean?
It just looks gorgeous.
I mean, it's totally a moment of theatrics.
It's like my Instagram is not all bad lighting.
You know, you can see my face without makeup.
Like I post photos where the lighting is perfect and I'm wearing makeup and like...
There are things on my Instagram that are absolutely theatrical, and it is my best moment.
I absolutely post stuff like that on Instagram, but I also at times will post photos on Instagram that are not that where I'm not wearing makeup.
The lighting is bad, It's just whatever.
Because sometimes that's fun too.
And whenever I post a photo on Instagram or a collection of photos on Instagram where the lighting is really natural, I'm not wearing makeup.
It's a very raw moment.
I know I will get comments saying about my parents.
It happens without fail every single time.
And today, that happened, as expected.
Why does Emma look like that?
She looks terrible.
She looks hideous.
Is something wrong with her?
Like, is she sick?
Is she on drugs?
She looks so bad.
It's like, no, this is just my natural face in my natural dark circles under my eyes.
This is just what I look like, you know?
This is just who I am.
But we're so conditioned to see the best of the best on social media that when somebody looks normal it's like ooh what?
Huh, what's that?
And I've gotten to a point in my life now where that doesn't really bother me as much anymore.
There was a point in my life and career where comments about my appearance really bothered me.
I've done a lot of work on a personal level. to help me manage that pain and discomfort.
Is it still something I struggle with?
Of course, of course.
But I've improved a lot, which is why I feel like I can come on here and give advice on these things, because I have made improvements.
And I have worked on it.
But I think another interesting sort of piece of this is that it's like the conversation on the Internet about our appearance as human beings is very hypocritical.
Like, there are two conversations happening in tandem on the internet.
On one hand, everyone's like, the beauty standards now are completely unrealistic.
Everybody has... cosmetic procedures done.
Everybody's changing their natural look.
It's so fake.
Where are the real faces?
Where are people aging normally?
We need more of this.
We need to see more authentic like real images of human beings.
Like we need to see that.
Where is that?
There's not enough of that.
And then on the other hand, there's people that are like, ew, like this celebrity's aging so badly.
Ew, this person's aging so badly.
Ew.
This person looks sick without makeup.
Ew, you look ugly.
Ew, chopped in unk.
Whatever that means.
That's the new insult, apparently.
I feel like a grandma on the internet these days.
A new term will come out of TikTok or something, and I'm like, what?
What is that?
So you kind of can't win.
If you look amazing... then some people are like, oh my God, yes, you look amazing.
And then some people are like, oh my God, you're like, you're wearing so much makeup.
Why are you wearing it?
Like, and then you look normal.
And some people are like, wow, so refreshing to see this.
And then other people are like, you've never looked worse.
You're hideous and you're aging like milk.
So it's tough.
You know, it's like you can't really win.
And that's the nature of the Internet.
Again, I've come to accept that.
I like I'm not playing the victim here or being like, woe is me.
Like, oh, my God.
It's so hard.
Like, no, this is totally the nature of the internet and it's totally fine.
But I'm more just giving you some understanding of my personal experience with these things so that you can have context when I give you the advice I'm about to give you.
This is sort of my experience.
These have been the challenges that I've run into in my life.
But to even zoom in on me in particular on the internet, in me as a public figure in general.
I can't tell you how many times I've seen my face be used in either a YouTube thumbnail or an article thumbnail image about Gen Z aging badly okay.
I've seen it many times.
I am one of the faces used for...
Gen Z aging badly, Gen Z aging like milk, okay?
And that's tough for me because I've made an active decision in my life to age naturally.
Now, at some point, I might change my mind.
You know, I'm not dying on this hill, right?
Like I might... turn 30 and be like, fuck it, I do want to get Botox.
I don't know.
But for right now, who I am right now, my morals and my values.
Right now, who I am today, I want to age, naturally.
I'm also 24 years old.
You know, like, I don't feel that I need to intervene.
I
And there's nothing wrong with anti-aging procedures.
There's nothing wrong with getting a cosmetic procedure to address an insecurity you have like that.
I don't care what other people do.
It is none of my business.
I don't care.
Everyone should do what makes them happy.
Me on a personal level, I've made the decision that for at least right now.
I want to be a natural person.
I want to age naturally and look the way I look because I think that there's beauty in that.
And I also think it's important for potentially even young people, who maybe follow me to, To see a normal or not normal, but to see like a person aging naturally.
And I want to maintain that for as long as possible.
But again, I'm like scared to ever say that I'll never get work done or never do anything because I don't know.
I don't know how my perspective will change down the line.
But for right now, that's a priority for me.
But it's hard at times to have that be used against me and then to be, you know, used in a thumbnail about Gen Z aging badly.
It's hard.
And it challenges me.
And it sometimes makes me want to just be like, fuck it, I'm gonna go get Botox.
Fuck it.
You know, I'm gonna like... get the lines around my mouth filled with filler or whatever the fuck.
I don't even know what, like, yeah, like I, I don't know.
It's been tough.
It's been a journey, but I have come a long way and, And I still struggle with it all the time.
It still stings a little bit to see my face in a thumbnail about Gen Z aging badly.
Still sucks.
It's still hard to read a comment that's like ew, Emma looks chopped in unk, whatever that fucking means.
You know, it sucks, but I've come a long way.
And so that's where I'm coming from as I give you this advice.
And so without further ado, let's begin.
Somebody said, how to love your natural self.
Is it bad to feel more confident with a spray tan and dyed hair?
To be honest, I do think it's normal to feel more confident with fun hair and a tan and and makeup on and your eyebrows done and your eyelashes done with extensions and a cute outfit on.
Like, I do think that that's normal.
And I don't actually think it's necessarily wrong to participate in these sort of self-enhancement things.
Like, I have bleached hair.
You know, I don't really get spray tans.
But, like, I don't think that that's inherently wrong.
I think using the things that are out there, the beauty technology that's out there, to enhance our appearance, is not inherently wrong or even necessarily toxic.
I think the way that we choose to express ourselves through beauty, whether that's hair or even a tan, if you want to look sun-kissed but you don't want to lay out in the sun, so you choose to get a spray tan instead of a natural tan... if you like the way that you look with eyelash extensions, if you like the way that you look with your eyebrows threaded, if you like the way that you look with a lot of makeup on, if you like... You know, like, I don't think that that's inherently wrong.
I think that can be a way of expressing yourself.
And I think...
It's not automatically wrong or toxic.
However, I do think that the mindset and intent behind it is important to pay attention to within yourself, because I think these things can become toxic.
As with all things, I think everything can become toxic.
Like, let's say you want to, you know, develop a healthy lifestyle.
You want to start eating healthy, exercising, you know, on paper, that's like a healthy thing.
You know, taking care of your body is a beautiful thing, but that can be taken too far and you can develop various disorders from doing that.
Too much of anything or the wrong intent behind something can make something that could be harmless actually harmful, right.
And I think that's the case with...
Things like getting spray tans, dyeing your hair, whatever.
I think if you're using it as a way to express yourself and you're using it as a way to sort of style yourself, right.
It's like... it enhances your personal style.
I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
I think it becomes wrong or not even wrong, but it becomes toxic and harmful when you're using these types of things to hide yourself.
You're hiding yourself.
You're not using these things to enhance yourself, but rather to hide yourself, to cover up insecurities that are so overbearing that you can't stand them.
And so you're using these things to hide yourself.
Like without these things, I cannot accept myself.
If you're noticing that and it's starting to ring alarm bells in your head like ooh, maybe this isn't good, you know.
Maybe this is getting to a point it's toxic.
Then it probably is.
And in that case I think it can be a really beneficial thing to teach yourself to accept you for who you are, as a natural person.
And then, once you find that acceptance within yourself, then you can go back out and enjoy these things again.
But I think practice makes perfect.
You know, if for years you've been getting a spray tan and dyeing your hair, maybe it's time to go back to your natural self for a little bit and practice living as you as a natural person and get comfortable with that and learn to accept it through practice and living it.
And then eventually, you can go back to participating in these things, but perhaps with a new, healthier perspective.
But I really do think practice makes perfect.
By not getting a spray tan, by not dying your hair, by maybe wearing less makeup for a little bit as sort of an exercise in self-acceptance.
Slowly but surely, you'll become more comfortable with this version of yourself.
You'll start to see the beauty in that version of yourself as you expose yourself to yourself over and over again.
You'll start to learn how to style this version of yourself in a way that makes you feel confident.
And it's not an easy thing.
I think the way that I'm describing it makes it sound far more simple than it actually is.
Not every day is going to be easy, but I think by sort of forcing yourself to be natural for a little bit, It will be uncomfortable at first.
Your insecurities will be really loud and in your face at first.
But eventually, through practice and through existing, you'll slowly but surely start to do, you know, makeup in fun ways that enhance your natural self.
You'll start to wear clothes that... you know, enhance your natural self.
And again, you'll start to see the beauty in it.
A good example of that would be in dating, right?
Like in romance, in dating.
When you first meet somebody, your first impression is usually based on what they look like, right?
And you might meet somebody who could potentially be a romantic partner.
Perhaps you like went on a blind date.
And at first you're like, oh, I'm not really attracted to this person.
But then, as you talk to them and spend time with them and get to know them, they become attractive to you because you become comfortable with them as a person.
You start to see the full realm of who they are.
And eventually, if you click with them, they become attractive to you.
Through exposure, you know, and through time spent.
I think the same thing can happen with your natural self.
You know what I mean?
And again, does that mean accepting your natural self means never participating in like these fun self-enhancement sort of things?
No, but I think if you can go into getting a spray tan and getting your hair done from a place of like this is just fun for me and I'm just doing it because I like the way that I you know, I like the way that it looks with clothes.
I like the way you know if you can get to a point where you're doing it for fun and you're not doing it out of a feeling of sort of like necessity and fear and insecurity.
That's amazing.
And I think that should be all of our goals.
I don't think it's about not utilizing these things.
I think it's just about going at it from the right mindset.
Okay, next.
I'm going to be addressing multiple people's struggles at once.
Okay, this is like three different people said kind of the same thing.
One person said, how can I come to accept my appearance more?
I never like what I look like and it makes me sad.
Someone else said, similarly, how do I love what I look like?
I always feel ugly, sad face.
And somebody else said, how do I fix my body image issues?
Can I be honest about all of these, which are all sort of a similar struggle?
This is an ongoing journey.
This is an ongoing journey.
I don't know that this journey ever ends.
I think it is so normal and so natural to struggle with body image, to struggle to accept yourself for what you look like.
I am convinced that even the most stereotypically beautiful perfectly fits the beauty standard.
Person struggles with these things.
I think it is human.
I think it is normal.
I think it's natural.
I think depending on, you know, various factors...
We all struggle with it in different ways, on different levels.
Like, of course, it's a different experience and a different struggle for everybody.
But I really do believe that it is something we all deal with and we will all deal with for the rest of our lives.
I think it is as with many challenges in life it's an ongoing struggle and it's an ongoing practice to like get to a good place with it.
It's like confidence.
And I mean confidence not in physical self, but just confidence in you as a person, right?
That is an ongoing journey forever.
I don't think we ever reach a point where we're fully confident in ourselves as individuals.
Like I think it is a constant practice.
It is something you're constantly improving upon, because as your life progresses, the challenge changes.
The challenge to remain confident changes.
As your life changes, as career things change, as your romantic relationships change, as your friendships change, as all the variables in life change, the way that you maintain your confidence changes.
Same thing goes for self-acceptance and having a healthy sort of body image.
As you age, as changes happen in your body, for whatever reason, as you look different, the challenge changes.
And so that's why I think it's an ongoing journey forever.
And so I think the first piece of advice I have, and what I try to remind myself constantly, is like This is normal.
And this challenge is normal.
And I am constantly reminding myself to be patient with myself and forgiving of these feelings, you know.
I try to forgive myself for feeling bad about myself.
Because sometimes you can feel angry at yourself for feeling bad about yourself.
And then it just, that doesn't help anything.
That just makes it worse.
So I try to forgive myself and be patient with myself on this journey.
But I will say I don't have, like, a piece of advice to fully solve these challenges, okay?
I don't.
However, based on my life experience I do have You know there are certain things that I've noticed that help.
And I think...
The most helpful thing, above all, the thing that makes these feelings less strong, less intense in the most significant way, is focusing on feeling good, physically and mentally.
When...
I'm in a flow in my life where I'm setting time to take care of myself physically and mentally, and I'm successfully doing things that make me feel good physically and mentally.
The way I feel about my appearance just tends to be a bit more positive.
Now, let's start with physically feeling good.
When I'm eating nutritious foods and cooking for myself and sharing meals with people I love and my relationship with food is healthy and it's positive and it's healthy and I feel like there's a sense of balance with food.
That really helps.
And I'm somebody who's struggled with food, okay?
But when I'm in a good place with that and I'm in a balanced place with that, because that's the key too.
It's like, you don't want to go too healthy because then that's not healthy anymore.
But you also want to be feeding yourself with nutritious foods, the fruits and the veggies and the proteins in the cart.
Like, you want to be balanced because when you eat nutritious foods, you feel good.
You feel physically good, you know?
And when... food becomes this soulful experience.
You're cooking for yourself and you're eating meals that you made with love for yourself.
And you put effort into it and then it tastes good.
And then afterwards you feel satiated and warm and cozy and happy.
And you know, that can be such a wonderful experience when you're enjoying meals with people that you love.
You know, that makes your experience with food so much healthier and happier, and there's balance in that.
That's a really important element of feeling physically good.
But that also kind of ties into feeling mentally good as well.
But also moving my body.
When I'm sitting too much in my life, when I'm sedentary too much in my life, I feel like shit.
I feel like shit physically and mentally.
Exercise and movement not necessarily like running marathons or like doing a boot camp style workout every day and like lifting heavy weights.
Like not even necessarily that.
Moving in ways that make me feel physically good, but also mentally good.
That could be a walk because I've been sitting at my computer all day.
That could mean going to a hot yoga.
That could mean going to a little Pilates.
That could mean going to a bootcamp, if that's what I'm in the mood for, and lifting heavy weights like who knows whatever.
But moving my body in a way that feels good and not forcing myself to do something because I'm like you know well sometimes like sometimes you do have to sort of push yourself to move and But I think the key is pushing yourself to move in ways that make sense.
If you're really tired one day, it doesn't necessarily make sense to go do the hardest boot camp heavyweight workout in the world.
It might mean, you know what, let's start with a walk and see what happens next.
But moving in life...
That really makes me feel physically and mentally good.
When I feel physically good, it helps.
And it's not about the way that exercising in particular ways makes my body look.
It's not necessarily about how eating particular foods makes my body look.
When I've truly found a sense of balance in these things and when I'm truly participating in these things in a way that is genuinely healthy.
I think about my appearance a lot less, because I feel so good that it makes me want to live my life.
I don't even care about what I look like.
I feel so good that I just want to live in the real world and have fun.
Does that make sense?
And yes, like food and exercise impacts the way your body looks in ways.
And that is an element.
My back hurts.
Like, I just... I feel good and so I want to live my life.
But same thing goes for feeling mentally good.
And, I mean, I think the physical elements very much impact the mental elements, right?
So, like...
When my physical health is in a good place, that absolutely helps my mental health.
But there are other things that I can do to feel mentally healthy that weirdly impact the way I feel about how I look right.
When I am focused on living in the real world.
Okay, off the internet, in the real world, I'm focused on the things that really matter, okay.
What really, really matters.
What really matters is being a good person, treating people well, having meaningful relationships in life, spending your time off.
Doing things that are fulfilling for you, whether that's a hobby, or trying new restaurants or going shopping.
I don't care.
Doing things with your time off that truly bring you joy.
Having a sense of discipline, a healthy sense of discipline, pushing yourself to work towards your goals, but in a way that's balanced.
Listen, all of the things that I'm describing here are like the ideal homeostasis for life, right?
I mean, I don't know if homeostasis is really the right word to use, but it's like Having the perfect balance in life, living the healthiest life, mentally and physically possible.
Now, is this realistic 24-7?
No.
I feel like in my life, there's always something that's not going perfectly, right?
Like I might be in a place where I feel physically super healthy.
And, you know, perhaps my social life is really good, but my work life is maybe a bit imbalanced.
Maybe I'm experiencing a bit of burnout.
Or maybe there's a phase in my life where I don't feel physically healthy necessarily.
I feel kind of like shit physically, but my work life is really productive.
I have a lot of discipline in my work life, like whatever.
It's very hard to be in this place.
It's very hard.
And it takes so much focus, and it's a constant battle.
But I will say, The healthier I am physically and mentally, my appearance aside, the less I think about my appearance and the more willing I am to accept my appearance for what it is, because I feel so good and I'm existing in the real world so I don't even care as much.
And the part of me that does care is a bit more flexible because I feel good.
But it's complicated because we have a tendency, as humans, to like take things too far, you know, and become too disciplined, start eating too healthy, start exercising too much.
And then that's unhealthy too.
It's...
Finding the balance is exhausting, it's challenging, and it's a full-time job, to be honest.
But I will say that even just focusing on it and trying to get to a healthy place in itself will distract you from what you look like.
Because you're so focused on bettering yourself that you're like I don't even care about what I look like, because this is my focus, is like I want to feel good.
I just want to feel good and find balance.
And if you focus on that, the way you look, its importance will dwindle in a way.
I don't know.
That's at least my experience.
And again, I think it's different for everyone, but I've found that that's what tends to work best for me.
But I also think too...
Be careful with your internet consumption and your consumption of all sorts of media.
I think the internet and media in general can make us feel so much worse about ourselves through the obvious comparison, through being exposed to people looking their best all the time, like that undeniably plays a role.
And so I think, if you're in a place where you're particularly struggling, I think like it can be really helpful to sort of distance yourself from the internet and from social media for a little bit.
Focus on feeling good.
And then you can go back to like looking at what other people are doing on the internet and what they're wearing and how hot they look or whatever the fuck.
Like then you can go back to that. from a stronger place.
But I think if you're in a particular phase in your life where you're struggling, that only makes it worse.
So that's something to keep in mind as well.
Okay, somebody said...
I'm only 22 but I feel the pressure to get preventative Botox because everyone else is doing it.
I don't really think I need it but everyone else getting it makes me question that.
I understand this in a big way because it's very common in this industry to routinely improve appearance through things like Botox filler facelift buckle, fat removal.
I am in the epicenter, it feels like at times, of this facet of the beauty standard.
And so I understand the sort of feeling of peer pressure at times to participate, or not even necessarily peer pressure, but the feeling of like, am I not like?
Am I like missing something?
Like, should I be doing this too?
Cause everyone else is doing it.
So like, Is there something wrong with me that I'm not doing it?
Am I falling behind by not participating in this?
Am I making the wrong decision?
I get it, but I'm going to sound like a grandma right now.
There's the age-old saying just because your friend jumped off a bridge doesn't mean you should too, or something like that.
Basically meaning just because other people are doing something doesn't mean you should do it too.
Now obviously, getting Botox, getting preventative Botox, is not nearly as bad as jumping off of a bridge.
And I think too, like jumping off a bridge is much dumber than getting preventative Botox.
In some ways.
I mean, getting preventative Botox can be dumb if you're not going to like a proper doctor, which is something that I've seen happen on the internet.
Some people are going to people who are not like professional doctors. injectors.
You know some people are are going in getting too much Botox to the point where like, their face doesn't move.
There's a lot of things like there are risks with getting Botox, right?
Things can go wrong.
Even if you're going to an experienced person who's really good at giving Botox, Botox um, Things can go wrong.
You know, you're injecting technically a type of... I think it's poison into your face that makes your muscles in your face not move so that, you know, your face doesn't move to create wrinkles because that's what creates wrinkles.
If you move your face...
Over and over again, little seams will form, little lines will form.
That's how it works, right?
But anytime you're doing something like that, things can go wrong.
So...
I mean, is it as risky as jumping off a bridge?
No, but there are risks involved.
Here's the thing.
I don't think there's anything, there's nothing morally wrong necessarily with getting Botox.
People can do.
In my opinion, people can do whatever the fuck they want.
Whatever the fuck they want to their face and their body and whatever.
It is up to you.
You know, the second I start telling people what to do with their face and body is the second that people are allowed to tell me I'm allowed to do or I'm not allowed to do what I want with my face.
It's not easy.
It's not fair.
We can do whatever we want.
And I also don't think that there's I don't necessarily believe in, like attaching moral value to being natural or, you know, getting things done.
Like, I just don't believe in that either.
I just don't think that it's fair.
But this is a tricky one though, because things like Botox, you know, it is a procedure that prevents physical signs of aging on the face, which promotes a certain beauty standard, which is youthfulness right.
Which has been a beauty standard since the dawn of time, I imagine, right?
And so that is tricky because, even though there's nothing wrong with getting Botox, the pressure to feel young and youthful and to not wrinkle is made worse by the normalization of Botox.
And so nobody is wrong for getting Botox, but the beauty standard of youthfulness is not.
That's a bit shitty, right.
It's kind of inevitable it seems, but it sucks, it's shitty, it's not.
It's that's not morally good for somebody to be considered more valuable in a way because they look younger like.
That's not, that's gross right, And so that's sort of the evil that you're up against when you're dealing with the sort of peer pressure or the societal pressure to look young for longer.
The societal sort of belief is what's evil in a way and what's wrong.
And I think an ongoing battle for us as human beings is to make decisions for ourselves, not make decisions based on what other people are doing or what the beauty standard is, or this or that.
The thing that we need to fight to maintain is our autonomy to make decisions for ourselves, in our, in our body.
You know, it's like it's really challenging to feel like everybody's getting preventative Botox and to then make a decision for yourself.
Like.
That is a very challenging thing to do because we're social animals and we see what other people are doing and we want to do it too.
We want to be normal.
We want to fit in.
But we also naturally want...
Like, we all feel the pull of the beauty standard, right?
Like, it's very hard not to feel that because in a lot of ways, it is rewarded on the internet.
It is rewarded in real... that pressure is palpable.
It's palpable and it's inevitable.
And so it's very hard in that sort of environment to make a decision for yourself.
But it sounds like you feel like you don't need it.
And it sounds like it's not something you're interested in.
Because if it was... you would just have done it already and you wouldn't be asking me what to do.
You wouldn't be asking me how to handle that sort of dilemma.
The reason why there's a dilemma is because this is something that doesn't quite sit right with you.
Maybe it's because there's risks that come with getting Botox.
It can go wrong.
Maybe it's because you believe in the beauty of aging naturally.
You know you want to be an example of aging naturally for perhaps your children one day, whatever like.
It might go against your morals.
You might not believe in using certain cosmetic procedures to change your face and body, whatever it may be.
This, for some reason, is not sitting right with you.
Or maybe you just feel like you're too young to be doing these things.
That's something you want to deal with down the line.
For whatever reason, it doesn't feel right to you.
That's why you're asking me... what to do.
Trust your instinct.
If this doesn't feel right for you, don't do it.
You don't, and also you don't need to do it.
No one needs to do this stuff.
You know what I'm saying?
Don't let society pressure you into conforming into something that doesn't feel like you, you know?
I think the way to get to a point where this is easier.
I don't think it's ever again like perfectly easy, but I think.
The way to get yourself to a point where making decisions for you based on you and your beliefs and your morals and values and your timeline in life, when you want to do things or when you don't like.
Maybe you do want to get Botox one day, but maybe preventative feels a little bit like, what?
Like, I'm 22.
You're a child.
Your prefrontal cortex isn't even fully developed.
You don't need to start Botox.
You just don't.
And you never do.
But if you want to get to a point where it's easier for you to make decisions based on you, I think that comes down to internal confidence, not external confidence.
Internal confidence, a strong sense of self.
And I think the way that you get to that point it's I mean again, it's like practice makes perfect.
But I think some of the ways that you can strengthen your sense of self is number one self-reflection about sort of complex topics such as this right.
Talking to other people who you're close to about complex topics such as this is, and figuring out where you stand on things in a way that gives you confidence.
I am very certain about where I stand on things, Not necessarily in a way where like, they'll never change, but like I am constantly reflecting and trying to figure out how I feel about these certain types of things.
I'm constantly having conversations with people in my life about complicated topics and trying to figure out where I stand on them.
Because I know that through doing that, I'm becoming a stronger Emma.
My sense of self is becoming stronger.
And so I'm sort of in this practice of doing that because I know the value that it brings.
You know, like I choose to have these types of conversations with people.
I choose to self-reflect.
And through that, I've gained a sense of confidence and sense of self.
But then I think too, standing firm in that, like proving to yourself that you make decisions for you through actively facing a moment like this where you're kind of tempted to like do what everyone else is doing but then you don't because it's not you.
Doing that in life as often as you can helps build your sense of self as well.
It helps build self-respect.
And when you respect yourself and you know who you are which again, is a practice that's ongoing for life.
But when you have that, these types of dilemmas don't feel as confusing.
Because your number one priority, your guiding light in life, is your own perspective, rather than everyone else's.
I mean, there's even more.
This is kind of a rabbit hole, though.
I feel like having a sense of self and having confidence in yourself and your beliefs and your opinions and where you stand on things.
Like there's a rabbit hole that you could go down of different things that sort of allow you to have that sort of confidence and sense of self.
Like, there's so many different things that... compound to give you that.
Being a good person, having discipline in your life.
Like there's so many things that lead to it that it's like I could sit here all day and talk about it.
So I'll stop while I'm ahead.
But I think you get the idea.
Next, somebody said TikTok makes me feel so bad about myself because it feels like everyone has a 20-step skincare routine and everyone has perfect skin and everyone has cute clothes and it weighs on me.
But at the same time, I love the mindlessness of watching TikToks and I can't seem to fully get off.
What should I do?
Well, I think the first step to this is realizing that it's making you feel like shit, right?
The acknowledgement is actually... That's like a huge accomplishment because...
Like years ago when I was on TikTok.
A lot like I was addicted to TikTok, which is crazy to think about, but it took me a long time to realize that it was a problem.
And the second I realized it was a problem, it was so like late in the game.
I was so down bad that I just had to delete the app altogether.
And I've tried to return to TikTok many times and failed.
I might try again.
I don't know.
It's just...
It really weighs on... It's a really toxic platform at times.
It can be a really toxic platform.
Whether you're posting TikToks or you're consuming TikToks, it can be a really toxic platform.
I think it is a toxic platform.
You know, the speed in which you're consuming...
Different topics and opinions and it's like such, it's such sensory overload that is toxic in a lot of ways for your brain.
But also, if you post on TikTok, TikTok, the discourse on TikTok tends to be pretty rough sometimes.
Like.
The type of content that does best on TikTok is rage bait, stuff that pisses people off, where the comment section is all like people pissed off and like why'd you do that?
Why'd you say that?
That's the type of stuff that does best on TikTok.
So...
Overall, I think it's a toxic platform and I think it's very normal to come to the conclusion that it's not good for you.
I think too, that another thing that does well in the algorithm to speak specifically to our topic of the day is people who look amazing, who look really hot, who have their makeup beautifully done.
That is something that does very well on TikTok.
And so if you watch content of people who look amazing, have perfect skin, have a cute outfit on, you're gonna get more of that content.
The algorithm knows.
And so I think this is a lot of people's experience on TikTok for one, but a lot of people struggle to realize what the issue is.
And I struggled to realize what the issue was for a very long time.
Until my inevitable sort of TikTok induced mental breakdown.
So it's kind of a miraculous thing that you have realized that it's a problem before you're at the point where you're like I actually can't open this app again without having a mental breakdown.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like that's actually really, that's good.
I think there's a few ways that you can address this.
If you really love TikTok and it's really truly an isolated, an isolated issue where it's just this certain type of content that you're getting that's bothering you.
Perhaps you could use the little feature where... I don't even know if this still exists on TikTok.
It must, but I don't know.
I haven't been on TikTok in a while, so I don't really know how it works, but...
On almost all social media platforms.
If you don't want to see a certain type of content, you can go and click the little button in the corner for settings or something and click I'm not interested in this content.
Anytime you get content you don't want to see.
I do that all the time on YouTube especially.
If I don't want to see something anymore, I'll click that.
And then the algorithm knows I don't want to see that anymore.
Maybe it's that simple.
Maybe try that.
And if you're like wait a minute.
Actually that did kind of solve that problem, but TikTok is still seemingly causing anxiety, causing negative emotions.
Maybe you need to find, for the time being, a new mindless source of entertainment.
Maybe you need to get into your YouTube era.
Maybe you need to get into your TV era.
Maybe you need to get into getting massages.
I don't fucking know.
I don't know.
But like, then I think it's time to sort of find a replacement for a time being.
Give yourself a one month break from TikTok.
Entertain yourself in some other way that's equally as mindless, right?
You don't need to like start reading books as your form of mindless entertainment.
You don't need to start painting.
Like that stuff is still hard.
Like there's something about mindlessness where you can just lay there and rot and watch something like.
I don't think the way to go is to remove all mindless entertainment because that's too hard.
And then you're just going to end up going back to TikTok because you're like I can't.
You know, you need to find something that's a little bit healthier but still mindless.
That might be YouTube.
That might be a new tv show, that might be reality tv.
I don't know what it is.
You need to figure it out.
But find the mindlessness elsewhere.
Get away from the platform for a little bit and see how you feel okay.
And lastly, somebody said I'm genuinely terrified of looking old.
How do I accept that aging is normal?
It's a privilege.
It's a blessing and a privilege to live into your old age.
Not everybody gets to have that experience.
And yes, something that comes with that is looking old.
But if you look at it with some real life perspective, if you zoom out a little bit, It is a privilege to have wrinkles.
Now...
I know it's like everything's relative, right?
And it is totally normal to be afraid of aging.
And so I'm not like trying to like be like, look at the bigger picture here, okay?
Now stop thinking about like wrinkles.
Like we'll zoom back in, but like-
Something that's given me perspective whenever I start to worry about the small shit, like you know what I look like, or like you know little work-related things that stress me out.
When I get hyper-focused on something that's ultimately inconsequential, like that type of stuff, and I let it consume me, I have to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.
And the bigger picture is this.
The bigger picture is that there are so many souls that didn't get to experience wrinkles for whatever tragic sort of reason.
And to experience aging and getting wrinkles is to have been for the lack of a better word blessed enough to exist for that long on this planet.
Like...
I'm at a point now where anytime I'm like, I start focusing on the small stuff.
I'm like, I actually just need to be fucking grateful.
I'm here grateful.
I'm here grateful for the fact that, like you know, for all of the blessings that I'm actively experiencing in my life.
And I'm not even saying blessings necessarily in like a religious sense, but but, for the lack of a better term, like to keep it broad for those of you who are maybe even atheist okay.
I don't care if you're atheist, it doesn't matter.
There's always something to be grateful for.
I just, I can't...
I personally can't justify worrying about wrinkles at this point, because the more wrinkly I get, the longer I defy death.
That's just the way I look at it.
And so that makes me not afraid.
I'm not afraid of aging.
What's worse, that or dying?
You know what I'm saying?
Now that's the way I put it into perspective for myself.
Right.
Seems extreme.
Seems like zooming out too far to some of you, perhaps.
But that is a reminder that I give to myself whenever I get hyper fixated on something like looking old.
That's ultimately inconsequential.
Right.
But I also think, if we were to zoom back in, it's normal to fear aging and fear looking older, because we do experience the celebration of youthfulness.
That's part of the beauty standard.
So it's normal to fear aging, because we're constantly being reminded that youthfulness is what we should be striving for, whether it's in commercials or it's in an article, with me as the face of it, that says Gen Z is aging like milk.
Why is that?
You know, it's like we're constantly being reminded that youthfulness is valuable.
And so it's almost not even our fault that we fear aging.
It's like we're being told to fear it.
And so, even though there's this bigger picture, it is still normal, and I think natural to still fear it, because we want to be accepted by our peers.
We want to feel beautiful.
We want to feel all these things.
And there's a lot of odds stacked against us as we age.
But I think, in addition to kind of reminding yourself of the bigger picture of life as a whole, which I think helps with this type of stuff, I think on a more macro level, it can also be helpful to just focus on what you can control, okay.
There are many things that you can do that will help you age in a way that's perhaps more ideal in your head, right?
That ultimately are actually healthy for us, right?
Whether it's wearing sunscreen, or it's having a skincare routine ritual that keeps your skin healthy and hydrated, or it's drinking a lot of water, or it's eating well or trying to eliminate as much stress as possible.
There's so many different things that you can do that are in your control that will help you age, perhaps in a way that is more Like focus on what you can control.
I don't think there's anything wrong with being like.
You know, I want to age as gracefully as possible, and I want to, you know.
So don't drink alcohol, wear sunscreen.
Those are things that you can do.
And those are things that are ultimately net positive in your life, that are healthy but can give you a semblance of control over your aging, in a way.
Because I think a lot of times we tend to spiral about the things that we can't control, and we can't control the way that we age.
But we can a little bit through taking really good care of ourselves.
And that's a net positive thing to focus on.
So, instead of worrying about aging, focus on having gratitude for your life and focusing on the ways that you can take care of yourself so that you can age in a way that maybe you'll be more satisfied with.
But the other thing is too.
It's like I find, that aging is not this horrendous thing to be afraid of.
Like, I find older folks... who are wrinkly and who... Whatever.
To be so charming and beautiful.
Like, I don't know.
I... There's also something to be said for, like, changing what you see as beautiful.
Like, I don't... You know, it's like... Maybe it comes with a level of maturity or life experience.
I'm not really sure.
But, like, I...
I also don't fear aging as much because there are people who are like 90 years old where I'm like they look fucking badass and like hot and cool.
I just don't know.
I don't know.
But that has come with age for me.
That's something that... has just happened naturally as I've gotten older.
And my understanding in my personal feelings about beauty have changed because I've just had more life experience.
And I mean, I'm still a young person but, like compared to when I was 18, you know what I think is beautiful has changed.
It's much, it's far less surface level now.
So you know that's another thing that you can look forward to is perhaps as you mature in your life, you're not going to be as afraid of looking old anymore, because if you continue to work on yourself and and continue to deepen your sense of the world around you, you'll find that this stuff just doesn't concern you in the same way, or it just doesn't concern you at all, because the surface level feelings I think you can grow out of.
Not everyone grows out of them, but I think it is something that's possible to grow out of as well.
And that's it.
That's all I got for today.
I love you all.
I appreciate you all.
As always, it is such a pleasure to give you my own professional advice.
If you enjoyed this advice session.
New episodes of advice session every other Sunday, but new episodes of anything goes in general every Thursday and Sunday.
So tune in and hang out.
I'm here twice a week and I talk for hours and hours and hours.
So come hang out.
Anything goes is on social media.
Anything goes.
I'm on the internet and I'm a Chamberlain and my coffee company is in the world and on the internet at Chamberlain Coffee.
Hopefully my cold goes away soon.
I've just had the most disgusting sounding voice and you can like hear the phlegm in my throat.
It's just disgusting.
So hopefully that goes away soon.
And I appreciate your patience over the last few episodes of just the most horrendous nasally sounding voice possible.
So I'm grateful for your patience.
Okay, I love you all.
I appreciate you all.
And I'll talk to you in a few days.
You're beautiful.
You're amazing.
You're incredible.
Don't let the fucking beauty standard in the internet tell you otherwise.
And listen, it's easier said than done.
It's easier said than done.
But just know that I think that no matter who you are, no matter what the fuck, I don't care.
To me.
I don't even need to see you to know that you are a beautiful human being and a beautiful soul.
And that's just, that's what I'm, and I'll end with that.
Okay, I love you all and i'll talk to you soon
