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Hello, welcome to or welcome back to try not to care.
If you're new here.
Hello. My name is Ashley.
I'm so happy to have you.
I first want to say thank you so much to everyone who listened to last week's episode.
Thank you for sharing it.
Thank you for making tiktoks to it.
Genuinely, from the bottom of my heart.
I fucking love you and I just appreciate you so much and thank you for listening to this week's episode.
It is always just so cool and special to see us charting on Spotify and Apple.
It literally never gets old and I just owe you my life.
So thank you so much for hanging out with me and listening to me.
Yeah, I appreciate you so much.
And I'm so excited to sit down today and talk to you.
I won't lie though, it does feel like I'm dying.
I have my period so bad and it feels like someone's stabbing me and like just playing bop it with my uterus.
It's awful, but I'm really happy to be here.
I'm in my pajamas. I was just like, there's no way I'm getting changed today.
It's a pajama day for sure.
But I'm happy to be here.
I'm happy to sit down with you today.
I'm going to give you some of my tips on how to be the most interesting woman in the room.
I have definitely struggled really hard with social anxiety and this fear of being perceived and being perceived badly.
I think a lot of it was just rooted in me not being confident myself and me feeling like I'm not interesting enough and people aren't going to like me and people are going to think I'm annoying and I'm not going to have anything to talk about with people.
And I would just be so unexcited to go out and socialize with people.
I also found myself making me small in situations and not wanting to be seen because I thought that people would see me, they wouldn't like me and they wouldn't enjoy talking to me.
And I was just really insecure, but now I am in a much more confident era in my life.
I'm much more confident in myself and I'm not so terrified to socialize with other people.
I actually find a lot of joy in it and having these conversations with people and connecting with people.
Obviously there's times where I'm still nervous, especially when I'm talking to new people or talking to a group of people, but I don't allow that nervousness or that fear to be crippling or to take away that experience for me.
I don't feel like I have to hide in the corner or hide behind my friends or hide in my phone.
I can just go out by myself without feeling like the world's going to end and I just have to hide.
So I'm going to give you tips on how to be the most interesting woman in the room and I just think that these things are going to make you feel more confident, make you feel better about taking up space and just enjoy your time when you go out, especially when you go out alone.
I think the most important thing is doing the inner work and investing in yourself.
Yeah, you could fake confidence, but actual confidence comes from believing in yourself and knowing your worth, enjoying your company, knowing what you like, having your own thoughts and just getting to know yourself and actually liking yourself.
Yeah, you could show up online and you can show up in person and ask as if you're this super confident person and it might trick people.
People might think that you're confident because no one's really going to know, but you will.
It's a lot easier to show up and have a good time and be nice to other people and not let others and their opinions affect you when you actually like you.
You can go out there and strut your stuff, put on a good face and act as if you're confident.
But if you're insecure and someone comes up to you and they're like, I think you're ugly.
I think you're so stupid.
That's going to be so hard to get over.
It's going to ruin your night.
You're going to think about that all night, all week, all month.
Whereas if you were actually confident and someone said that to you, you wouldn't care because you're secure in yourself.
You think you're hot.
You know that you're very intelligent, so it doesn't matter to you what people think about you and you don't care about their opinions.
They don't matter to you.
I also think it's important to figure out what you like.
What music do you like?
What shows do you like to watch?
What books are you reading?
Do you have any hobbies?
Do you have any skills?
What do you like? Not what's trendy.
Not what your friends like.
What do you like? One thing that I've always struggled with is when someone asked me, do you have any hobbies?
What do you like to do?
Because all of a sudden I don't have any.
My mind goes blank and I'm like, huh?
Can't think of anything.
What have I done for the last 27 years?
Do I like to do anything?
What do I like to do?
Do I just sit around and twiddle my fingers and scroll on TikTok?
What do I do? It's one thing to be mysterious and cool.
It's another thing to just be boring.
People want to learn about you.
They want to know what you like to do.
And if you like to do nothing, that's not going to intrigue them in any way.
They're not going to be like, oh, hell yeah.
I want to hang out with this person that does nothing.
That's so sick. No, people want to hang out with people that they think are cool.
They want to hang out with people that they have things in common with.
Not only are you going to come off to these people as cool, but you're going to build a connection with them.
People want to talk about the things that they're excited about.
People want to hang out with people who enjoy doing the same things as them.
That's why they're asking people like, what do you like to do?
Because they want to get to know you.
The same thing goes for knowing your values and what you believe in.
Like, really know what you believe in.
That way, when you're speaking to someone, you know what the fuck you're talking about and you're not just going to fold when you hear the first opinion that people are agreeing with.
Like attracts like.
The more that you are unapologetically you, the more you're going to attract people who are like you.
People think it's cool when you're authentically yourself.
People don't gravitate to someone who's just regurgitating everything they see and hear online, or someone who just doesn't know who they are and is going to adapt to every room they're in or whoever they're around.
People notice when someone's authentically themselves and it's refreshing to see people want more of that.
Like I was just saying about figuring out what you like and not following trends.
The same thing applies to how you dress.
I think trends are really great.
Trends are a thing for a reason.
People like certain things because they're cool and I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to dress like other people or be inspired by other people.
But you should have your own identity.
You shouldn't depend on what others are wearing to the point where you're like, oh, I can't wear this outfit because it's not in style right now and people are going to make fun of me and no one's worn this piece of clothing in like 10 years and it's weird.
I think it's so cool when I'm out and I see someone wearing something so different than everyone else and they appear to be confident.
I think it's cool when they're not trying to hide themselves and they're strutting their stuff and they're showing off their creativity.
I like it because it tells me a little bit more about them and it makes me want to learn more.
It's interesting to me and it makes me want to spark up that conversation and ask them like, what are you wearing?
What inspired you to wear this?
Where did you get your clothes?
I turn into one of those interviewers you see on TikTok that's like, what are you wearing today?
Like outfit of the day, you know what I'm talking about?
That's me. I think it's cool.
Not only should you not dress based off trends but don't dress based off the occasion or the weather unless you're going to a wedding or a funeral.
Maybe don't wear white, maybe don't wear something super revealing but on a day to day basis, don't base what you're wearing off of where you're going.
Wear what you want to wear.
If it's super cold outside but you want to wear a little mini dress and you don't want to carry around a coat, don't wear the dress.
Fuck the coat. We don't need the coat.
If you're going to a family party and you want to wear what you normally wear but it's not something that your family encourages, who cares?
Like why are you going to dress to make them more comfortable but you feel uncomfortable?
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Now word from response to hero bread.
Although I'm so excited for fall it's still summer and one of my favorite things to do is hang out with my friends and eat.
I swear food is my love language especially carbs.
I love bread but it can be a little heavy but I recently found hero bread and I love it even more.
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I feel like a lot of other bread products especially bread products that try to make it healthier miss the mark on the texture.
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I have my breakfast croissant, my bacon, egg and cheese on a croissant, a deli sandwich on their tortillas for lunch and some bread on the side with some super pasta for dinner.
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Now let's get back to the episode.
I used to feel like I had to wear dresses to holiday parties and certain family occasions because I thought it was super feminine and mature and I just thought that's what I was supposed to wear but I would put on these dresses and I didn't feel comfortable.
I mean I love to wear dresses but specific kinds of dresses.
I don't want to have to wear a super long dress and cover my body if I don't want to or if that doesn't make me feel good about myself.
I don't want to have to not feel like myself to make others happier.
I want to feel comfortable and confident in what I'm wearing because when I'm confident I have a better time.
I'm able to show up better and socialize with other people.
Don't dress based off what you think others want you to wear and don't dress based off what you think people are going to think you're hottest in.
Wear what you think you look hot in.
Like don't dress for the male gaze.
Before dating my boyfriend when I would get ready to go out I would specifically think like what is gonna make me look the most appealing and the hottest?
Like what are guys going to be like oh like that's hot and I would reach for push -up bras and I would try to show my boobs and wear certain makeup and of course women like these things and of course you could do all these things and it has nothing to do with men or women or anything but yourself like
some there's days where I'm like you know what I want my boobs to look good because they they do look good and they should be shown off.
It's more of the mindset behind like why am I doing this?
Am I having my boobs out because my boobs are incredible and I think everyone should see them or am I doing it because I want guys to give me attention and I think that's what they're going to like.
If a guy doesn't like you when you're wearing something that you feel hot in but it's not typically something that he would go for that's not your guy.
Like you shouldn't have to change yourself to make someone like you.
Going back to investing in yourself and getting to know yourself be confident in who you are and what you have going on in your life.
Another question that I would hate that people would ask me and it would give me so much anxiety and I would just go blank is what's been going on in your life?
Like what's new with you?
I think I just always hated ice breakers like I have PTSD from school and from camp growing up but when someone would ask me what do you have going on?
What's going on in your life?
What's new? I would be like nothing, literally nothing.
Nothing new. Nothing much.
Same old same old. I have nothing going on right now.
A whole lot of nothing going on right now.
It's like that shirt from the red era Taylor Swift era.
That's like a whole lot of nothing going on right now or you know what I'm saying.
If you're a Swiftie you know what I'm talking about but that would literally be me and the thing is it's literally not true.
Like there's so many incredible things going on in my life but I think the reason I would go blank is because I thought I had to be this like wow like oh my god that's so crazy that's so amazing when incredible things don't have to be huge.
An incredible thing that I could share with someone is like I thought my dog was sick and I was going to have to take her to the vet but she's actually good like she's great.
That's an incredible thing and that's something that you could share with someone and it doesn't have to blow them away.
It doesn't have to be like I have so much money and I have so many bitches and I'm going on vacation and I'm going on a Ted Talk.
It doesn't have to be like that.
It could be I've been spending a lot of time doing arts and crafts.
I found a new video game.
I've been spending a lot of time with my parents.
I'm looking into buying a house and I'm I don't just doing these things that like you're passionate about.
I'm planning a weekend getaway literally anything just think about what have you been up to.
What are you excited about?
What are you working towards?
Analyze your life. I know it can be hard sometimes to think about ourselves that way.
We don't want to sit down and be like oh well I've been working really hard and I'm I'm proud of myself and I have a lot of goals and I have a lot of dreams because we kind of just want to brush over it.
We're so overwhelmed with everything and we don't want to take a second to think about everything that we've done so far or all of the things that we're working on.
We don't slow down and give ourselves that.
So with that being said sit the fuck down and think about it before you go out.
Before you go and hang out with friends or go on a first date or go to a business meeting.
Think like what's going on in my life?
What are three things that I can say about myself that I think people might be interested in?
It doesn't have to be this whole wow thing and impress them.
Just have something because anything is better than nothing.
More than likely they're asking you because they have anxiety talking to you and they're nervous and they have nothing to talk about.
So they're like you know what I'm gonna have her talk.
I'm gonna have this little puppet talk and tell me about her life because there's nothing going on in mine.
People are going to be more willing and more excited to talk to you if you have things to talk about.
Moving on to the next tip, don't be afraid to be seen.
Being in public settings used to give me a lot of anxiety especially when I don't know the people around me or I'm alone.
My default has always been to hide in the corner or hide in my phone and text people or even like fake be on my phone.
I'll be like looking at the weather app or closing out apps just to make it seem like I'm doing something.
When I'm really just fidgeting and trying to avoid eye contact with other people.
The people around you that you're nervous about are probably just as nervous and uncomfortable as you are.
They're not going to come up to you and chat with you if you're on your phone or you seem like you don't want to be bothered.
So instead of playing on your phone and looking at your weather app or having your back turned to people, be present and be confident.
And it's easier to do this when you practice being confident and you show up wearing something that you feel confident in and you like your hair and you like your makeup and you're prepared to speak to other people and you show up proud to be yourself.
You don't have to make yourself small just because you're in an environment you're unfamiliar in.
You're going to feel much more comfortable and confident and feel like you actually belong there when you act like it.
Walk with purpose, walk with a little bit of swag, have good eye contact, be open in your conversations, have really good conversations and don't be afraid to be seen having a good time.
I've been at events where it's very low key, it's like a middle school dance where the room is split, people are only talking to who they know and I want to dance, I want to talk, I want to take pictures but I don't want to seem like I'm too much or I don't want people to look at me and be like who invited
her? Who invited her?
Who gave her a few too too many drinks?
Who cares? It doesn't matter what people think about you, don't be afraid to have fun and be you because the only people who are going to judge you are people that aren't having as much fun or they wish they could be having as much fun as you.
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so we can twin besties okay now let's get back to the episode the next one goes hand in hand with don't be afraid to be seen and that is be bold and be unapologetically you don't feel like you have to adapt to the room and just do what everyone else is doing or wait around and wait for other people
to initiate conversations or go and dance or go and get food i've been at events where there's food available that's free and that's for us to eat but no one wants to be the first person to go up and eat because people think it's rude or people think it's weird and no one wants to be seen as the person who started
eating first but it's like if i'm hungry and i see food i'm going to eat it i'm going to go up and eat it because if not meant for my belly why delicious why is it in front of me like i also i'm just much more pleasant to be around when i'm not hangry so if me eating is going to make me happier and more
fun to be around why the hell would i not eat just because i'm afraid that i'm gonna look a certain way doing it if you're alone somewhere and there's someone who seems interesting to talk to or you've been wanting to talk to them go up and initiate the conversation you don't have to wait for them to
come over to you because for all you know they might never do that because they're waiting for you to come up to them think about something that you're passionate about and talk about it with them i'm sure they'll appreciate it because it takes that pressure off of them if you're somewhere and the vibes
are very low -key very quiet very demure we're literally beating that trend to death like by the time this episode comes out i don't even know if demure will be a trend anymore if everyone's gonna be like lame boring boo but but if the vibes are very low -key and you're typically a loud person don't dim
your light for other people a lot of people will adapt to the environment because they're afraid of being singled out or they're afraid of people not liking them or they're afraid of coming off as too much or too annoying but for the most part people feel more comfortable when others are being themselves
i'm going to feel much more comfortable and much more excited to be somewhere if i see someone who's laughing who's playing who's mingling who's not taking it too seriously like things don't always have to be so serious so have fun be yourself speak to people spark up conversations ask questions eat drink
dance don't be so in your head about am i too much it doesn't matter because you won't be too much for the right people the next tip is skip this small talk and be open and be real another reason why i was terrified of social settings and why i had so much anxiety around talking to people was because of small
talk it all goes back to the icebreaker thing where it just feels like we're doing icebreakers in elementary school and you're asking me these questions not because you actually care but because you have to do it that's how i feel with small talk it feels like you don't actually want to get to know
me you're asking me this question because you feel like you have to and you don't really know what else to ask me i don't think anyone actually wants to talk about the weather or how great this event that we're at but people do it because they're uncomfortable and people think small talk is better than no talking
at all and i guess that's true but like your conversations don't have to be boring just because you don't know someone doesn't mean that you have to talk about the fact that it's been raining all week i am much more interested in having a conversation where it feels like we're connecting on a deeper
level and it feels authentic and it feels like you actually want to talk to me and you actually care about me like if someone were to come up to me and they were like i listened to your podcast episode and it really resonated with me because x y and z and they you know open up about a similar situation and what they're
struggling with i'm sad like i'm going to sit there and probably talk to that person for the next two hours when you have conversations with people it should be genuine it shouldn't feel forced it shouldn't feel transactional it shouldn't feel like i'm doing this because i have to talk to people or i'm
doing this because i want to build a business relationship with you people can tell when you're using them for your own gain people can tell when you're not just having a conversation when there's a motive behind it over the past two three years i have been going to creator events and i've noticed that a lot
of people will say hello to you and be like what management are you with what did this brand invite you can we exchange social media and then they follow you on social media and they don't talk to you for the rest of the night they never talk to you again and of course there's people that will be like
oh my god can i follow you on instagram or tiktok because you're so pretty like let's keep in touch and you do and that's genuine but at a lot of these events it feels very transactional of like oh thanks for the follow bye and you never talk to them again obviously it can be very scary to open up to
others especially strangers but i think that's why it's good to prep before you go like just sit down and think like what do i want to get out of this what kind of conversations do i want to have what can i talk about what can i say about myself that i think people would really enjoy or care about and prepping
doesn't have to be this like super extensive amount of time you could do it on the way to wherever you're going 10 minutes in the uber and just think like what do i want to talk about what can i talk about that way you're ready when you have a conversation with someone if you're just having surface
level conversations very little people are going to remember you not many people are going to run after you and try to have another conversation with you because they're having 10 other surface level conversations throughout the night they're going to remember you and want to speak to you if you're
giving them real value and you're making a genuine connection when you're actually getting to know that person and letting them know more about you over sharing is caring like what's the worst that's going to happen this person's gonna be like okay you're weird bye okay bye like like i said if that's
the case that's just that just means they're not for you the next tip goes hand in hand with everything i've been saying and that is just ask people about them when you're having these conversations learn about the person you're speaking to i know that some of you might just word vomit information about yourself
because you're nervous or you don't know what to talk about slow down it's okay just slow down and just ask the person some questions if you're talking about something ask them does this relate to you like do you have you been through something similar do you like do you get when i'm putting down ask
some questions and just be an active listener sometimes people don't need you to talk they just need you to listen people get turned off when they're talking to someone and the entire conversation only revolves around them they only talk about themselves like think about when you're talking to a friend
of yours and you're trying to open up about something and they make it all about them like you can't even get a word in because they just bulldoze over you with what's going on in their life what they're struggling with and they don't care about how you feel or what you're going through that makes you
feel small that makes you feel insignificant that makes you feel like they don't care about you and what's going on in your life and what you're struggling with so when you're speaking to someone new don't let them leave that conversation feeling small and insignificant and feeling like you didn't care about them
and all you cared about was talking about you people might not remember exactly what you said but they will remember how you made them feel which leads me into the next one and that is be kind not just friendly people will remember how you made them feel people can tell when someone's just being nice
and it's not genuine be a good person be a kind person make others feel welcome and comfortable around you when you're listening to them let them know that they're heard and you understand them and try to relate to what they're saying validate how they feel if you're talking to someone and they have a friend
with them or a guest with them say hello to that friend or guest too like don't just talk to the person that you want to talk to that person that they're with is still a human and still has feelings and they feel just as awkward not knowing you as you might feel not knowing them i know some of you have gone
through this and know how frustrating this is it's the same energy as when a girl comes up to your boyfriend and you're standing right next to him and she only says hi to him and you're like hey do you not see me do you see do you not see this gorgeous beautiful girl standing right next to him because i
know you do say hello to me acknowledge my existence should it be the boyfriend's responsibility to introduce his girlfriend to you absolutely should it be this friend of yours responsibility to introduce their guest to you absolutely but if they don't and their guest or that girlfriend just standing
there be like hi nice to meet you my name is whatever just acknowledge that person and make them feel comfortable in the conversation too if you're in a group of people and they're talking and you see someone trying to speak up and get a word in but people keep talking over them and you notice that acknowledge
them be like hey i hear you like what were you saying you all know what i mean you know when you're trying to talk and people just won't let you speak they just keep talking all over you and it makes you feel like shit even if the majority of the group isn't listening to me but there's one person that realizes
like i'm trying to speak and they're like hey like i hear you like what what what were you trying to say that makes me feel validated that makes me feel heard and that makes me feel better about myself make it known that you're listening to that person it might hurt their feelings that no one else is listening
but they know that you're trying to and they're going to remember that and they're going to remember that you cared and that you're a good person this might not seem that significant and it might be like well no shit bitch duh but manners are important people will notice people who have good manners
don't speak over people when they're talking don't be on your phone when you're speaking to someone don't have your back turned to someone when they're speaking if you're waiting in line at the bar to get a drink and you notice a girl who's been waiting a long time help her out and get a drink for her
if you see something like a girl being in an uncomfortable situation with a guy step in and be a girl's girl people will remember that people will remember how you made them feel and then my last tip is be selective about who has access to you and your energy being kind and being pushover are two very
different things if someone's being disrespectful to you or is going out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable and make you feel you don't have to stand there and be like it's okay i understand no just remove them from your view walk away go be with people who appreciate your presence like don't
give them the time of day don't engage with people whose purpose is to make you feel bad or make others feel bad about themselves don't engage in conversations that you know aren't beneficial to you or your mental health i'm not going to walk into a conversation of people talking badly about what others
are wearing and how embarrassing they are and how much they hate to be at this event sure i could step in in that conversation and be like it's embarrassing that you guys are having this conversation but i know that's a waste of my energy because i don't want to spend my time around people like that i
want to spend my time with like -minded people i want to share my time with people who share the same values as me and are intelligent and can have actual conversations with value i'm not saying that you have to be mean to people because like i said people will remember how you made them feel but when you
protect your energy and you're selective about who can speak to you who you spend your time around people will notice that and i'm also not saying that just random people you're like actually no you can't speak to me like people that have never done anything wrong to you but if someone is intentionally
trying to hurt you or hurt others you don't owe them a conversation you don't have to spend time around them it's okay for you to say no i don't want to talk to you i would appreciate if you didn't talk to me i don't know what gave you the impression for you to think that you could speak to me like
that bye when you limit who has access to you and you don't just let anyone speak to you or speak over to you it shows other people that it is a privilege to get to be around me and to get to speak to me you don't get access to me if you're not going to show me kindness if you're not going to show me
respect if you're not going to change your attitude because i'm not in the place right now to deal with that i'm in the place right now to have a good time to have good conversations i'm in the place right now to lift up other people and i don't want to have to tear myself down for your own entertainment
so if that's what you want to do i'm good i'm set on that no thank you the way people view you and the way people speak to you is going to be so different when they realize they only have access to you if they change their attitude and their mindset that is everything for today's episode i hope you
enjoyed it i hope that it makes you feel more confident i hope that you're able to strut into a room feeling super confident and have these amazing conversations and just have a good time without being so in your head let me know your thoughts there's a little comment section on spotify now where you
can comment and i can interact and comment with you so i'll definitely be responding to comments if you don't have spotify make sure to reach out to me and let me know your thoughts on instagram tiktok all my social media is in the show notes as well as the sponsors thank you so much for listening to
today's episode also if you have any questions for the next advice session there's a google forum in the show notes where you can ask me there or if it's easier you could just ask me on instagram that is everything as always i love you so much besties thanks for hanging out with me i freaking love you
i will talk to you next monday good bye besties
