This is the Business English Podcast Episode 451, How to Compliment Without Flattery for Better Relationships.
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Lindsay Ann Aubrey, coming to you from Arizona and Colorado, USA.
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Terms and conditions apply. Hello, Aubrey.
How's it going today? I'm great. How are you, Lindsay?
Good, Aubrey. Have you ever felt like someone was flattering you?
Yeah, I have felt that, right? If someone is paying me some kind of compliment, but it feels like they have an ulterior motive, right?
Or maybe there's not a reason for them to really know that about me.
So it feels like flattery. It doesn't feel great.
What about you? Have you ever experienced that?
Yeah, it can usually feel very disingenuous.
If I know they have ulterior motives, they have something else they want. it can feel really icky, right?
Yes, exactly. That is what we're talking about today.
This is part two of a series. In part one, we gave tips for schmoozing at work.
Stay to the end for that episode if you missed it. and today is part two about the difference between complimenting someone and flattering them And you can definitely listen out of order.
So stay to the end. We'll share that episode number so you can go back and catch up if you miss part one.
Yeah, and hit the follow button so you don't miss any of these amazing series.
We often do series and you want to make sure all the business English drops right into your listening queue three days a week.
Absolutely. So this is interesting. Because in the workplace, right, this is very common at work.
We're motivated to be seen as likable and complimented.
Competent, yeah. We appreciate compliments that are sincere and genuine.
And it's interesting because when I was researching for that part one about schmoozing, I saw psychologists call this impression management tactics when someone at work is trying to create a good impression by complimenting.
It's really interesting. But when it comes to flattery and paying compliments, right, this is the most common type of this impression management tactics. often because it can be seen, it can be interpreted just as being nice.
It's sort of the easiest one to do when you're trying to... create this good impression, especially if you sincerely are trying to create a connection, you are just trying to be nice and create a connection.
Okay, so we're saying psychologists say it can be useful.
It can be good, right? Absolutely. Right.
So that's what's interesting, right? We can't help it at work.
We want people to have a good impression of us.
We want others to know we have a good impression of them, but how do we do it?
How do we pay compliments? Do we... want to flatter or do we unintentionally flatter sometimes?
So what do you think, Lindsay, is the difference between flattering someone and paying them a compliment.
It's a really good question, Aubrey. I mean, that's what we're getting to the heart of today.
But the difference lies in the intention, the sincerity and the tone.
That is a big statement right there, Aubrey.
Hopefully we're going to break that down.
Yeah, definitely. Because we can feel that, right?
You can feel... how sincere someone is, you can often feel what their intent is.
And that often is in the tone, right? Is it dripping with that? honeyed, you know, where they're just schmoozing more or is it just sincere?
So, yeah, we're going to talk about these first intent. when it comes to a compliment, right?
This is a genuine, sincere expression of praise or admiration.
And the intent would be to genuinely acknowledge or appreciate something real, someone's effort therapy. appearance, their skill, their character, whatever the compliment is about.
The intent is very genuine. Yeah, so a compliment is genuine.
An example would be if you say to someone, you did an excellent job on the product demo today.
You explained everything very clearly. So it's about something very specific.
It's sincere. It's genuine. Exactly. And the tone is very honest, respectful, appropriate.
We don't feel flattered. We feel like someone genuinely appreciates us, our skill, a job well done.
We can feel that in the intent. We hear that in the tone.
If this example sentence, if someone said that to you, Lindsay, how would you feel? very specific, I would feel good.
You know, I would appreciate the compliment, right?
It's not just broadly about me. It's about what I did, right?
Yes, exactly. And then let's look at the difference if it's flattery.
So this is excessive or insincere praise. often used to gain favor or manipulate.
So very different intent, right? So what often is the intent there, Lindsay?
Yeah, the intent is usually to please someone in a manipulative way.
Like we want something from them, success or something, acceptance.
And it's not necessarily based on truth.
You might be entirely lying, right? Or you might be just exaggerating the truth.
Exactly, right? For a sincere compliment, it's the truth.
You're just sharing what you genuinely believe.
With flattery, you might be saying something that you think someone wants to hear, right?
Whether you really believe it's true or not.
Yeah. And why I'm glad we're getting into this today is this is so human.
I think we have a natural BS monitor, right?
We have a natural. Yes. radar for this, for the difference between flattery and compliment.
Maybe we don't have the words for it, but we know what it feels, what the two feel like.
Exactly. Yeah. So let's look at an example of flattery here.
Someone might say, you are the smartest person I've ever met.
No one could ever match your body. brilliance.
So this is where it's tricky because first of all, how could anyone even know that, right?
You haven't met everyone. So you're definitely exaggerating.
You feel the exaggeration. It's present in the words. as well as this feeling, because what is the tone there, Lindsay?
The tone is definitely exaggerated, right?
It is over the top. And it's often disingenuous again, because there is another goal.
There's an ulterior motive, something they want from you.
And it, yeah. Like we said, it feels so icky.
Yeah. This is what I wonder. Go ahead. Go ahead.
I was just going to say it's interesting in this example, there's nothing specific here, right?
You're not being complimented about a specific skill or performance, something you've done. that someone might compliment.
It's this general statement about your character that you may be a smart person.
But in the words and the exaggeration being used, it feels very insincere.
It feels like flattery. Yeah, and you won't trust anything the person says later.
I think about this a lot, what it must be like to be a famous person, a Hollywood actor, actress.
And do you get a lot of this? And how do you know if people are actually genuine?
They want to be your friend genuinely or they want your money, your fame, your power.
It is kind of a head trip when you think about it.
Right. And I'm sure they deal with that a lot all day.
It's got to get exhausting. It would feel frustrating and they would probably have a hard time just reacting in a kind, polite way.
It makes me think of there's a scene in the film Pretty Woman.
I don't know how recently you've seen that, Lindsay.
I hope you listeners out there have seen it.
I love it. But there's this great scene where.
Richard Gere takes Julia Roberts back to this clothing store where she had been treated poorly and he's making it obvious he has a lot of money.
And he says, we're going to need a lot of flattery here.
We need a lot of compliments. And the store owner starts flattering him.
He's like, I can tell that you're a successful, intelligent man.
And he's like, not me, her. Yeah. That is such a good call out.
Somebody goes to Julia Roberts and starts complimenting her.
It's such a funny scene. I love that call out.
That is my favorite scene of possibly my favorite movie.
And I love when she goes up and she's like, you passed off this customer yesterday.
Big mistake. big, right? That's right after.
That's like the very next scene where she has all the shopping bags and she goes back to the first store and she's like, Huge mistake showing how much money she had spent.
Guys, if you haven't seen Pretty Woman, please right now, when you finish the episode today.
Go and watch Pretty Woman because it's such a classic movie from the 90s, the 80s.
It's such a cultural icon, that movie. Yes.
And it's a really great place to see an example of this because he intentionally says he's like, I need you to flatter her.
And then you can see what the store clerk says.
He doesn't know her. He can't really pay her compliments that are sincere.
So he's just flattering. Very funny and great examples of this.
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Okay, Aubrey, we are back for a role play.
Let's see what this looks like and feels like in role play life, at least.
Yes. And we're going to give two examples here.
The first role play has flattery. Right.
Very much overdoing it. You're going to see what not to do.
And hopefully you can hear the tone. We'll go back and point everything out, but then we'll share a second. example with sincere compliments so you can see the difference.
Yeah. And here, so you are an artist and you're looking to get your work into galleries and I am a well-connected gallery owner, right?
So you probably want to get to know me, right?
Yes, I would like for you to show my work, right?
This is a common thing for artists. They're trying to have galleries display, exhibit their work so that it can sell.
But it's tricky, right? How do you do that?
How does one go about that? It's not easy.
Absolutely. Absolutely. I love it. All right.
Here we go. Yes. This exhibit is absolutely masterful.
Thank you. It took months to pull together.
I'm glad you're enjoying it Enjoying doesn't even cover it.
I feel like I've been studying at your feet for years.
The way you curate space, honestly, It's on a level all its own.
No one else in the art world even comes close.
Wow, that's quite a statement. Not exaggerating in the slightest, this exhibit is revolutionary.
Your exhibits are always two steps ahead of other galleries.
Hmm. I'm an artist myself, and I'd love to show you a few pieces just to get your legendary eye on them.
I'll be in touch. Very nice to meet you.
Enjoy the exhibit. I think I won't be in touch.
No, I think you won't, right? Let's go through this first to point out this obvious flattery.
And this is interesting because it doesn't come naturally to everyone to try and You know, compliment to show your admiration for a gallery owner like this and their exhibit in order to try and build a connection and possibly have them show your work.
This is not the way to do it. Right. clear flattery here.
Yeah, this is the what not to do example in the episode, right?
Okay, so what specifically did you do? What were the strategies that you used here, Aubrey?
Yeah, so a few things to point out that were just over the top, right?
Clear flattery. When I'm saying... these exaggerations.
I feel like I've been studying at your feet for years.
The way you curate space is on a level of its own. no one else in the art world even comes close.
That line is probably very triggering. This art gallery owner knows that There are a lot of people who could probably be considered better, right?
Unless your ego is out. How do you say not over the roof?
Just unless you have a huge ego, you would know this isn't true.
Oh, it's so true. And this gallery owner, like you said, knows other curators, knows other artists, and knows that they're not the best.
Right, right. And then it's interesting to to look at the gallery owners responses right to say that's quite a statement.
They're definitely in so many words. saying like that was a little much.
And then I sort of doubled down. I was like not exaggerating in the slightest.
This exhibit is revolutionary. What a statement, right?
Your exhibits are always two steps ahead of the other galleries.
So I'm laying it on thick is an expression we use to mean I'm just like really flattering them.
Building up their ego, clearly manipulating with the goal of getting a favor, getting them to show my work.
And the smart pivot here would have been this is why it's important to listen to what people are saying, listen to what they're not saying, but under the words.
When I push back, I basically said, you're going over the top.
I said, that's quite a statement. Um, you should have taken that as a signal to maybe come back down to earth, right?
Exactly. Right. Pull it back a little bit.
It could have been okay. Yeah. Yeah. But you lost me after what I said.
Right. And it was too much. Mm hmm. At the end, it was very clear I probably won't be in touch.
So you blew the opportunity, right? I mean, let's see how it could be done better, Aubrey.
Yeah, let's see a better version. Same situation.
Yeah. This exhibit is absolutely masterful.
Thank you. It took months to pull together.
I'm glad you're enjoying it. I've always been impressed with your vision in putting together a collection.
I'm Aubrey by the way. Lovely to meet you.
You're a sculptor, I believe. I think I've seen your work at shows.
Yes, that's right. One of my pieces was shortlisted for your collection last fall. it.
It's ambitious piece. Thank you. That means a lot coming from you.
I'd be honored to have you look at my current work sometime if your schedule allows.
No pressure, of course. I'd love to check it out.
Here's my card. Email me a few images or your website.
I will. I appreciate it. Oh, so much better because people don't like to be put on pedestals, right?
They don't. Right, and I am complimentary here, right?
I complimented this gallery owner's vision in putting together a collection, But then it's interesting if you think about we wouldn't have met before.
So I introduce myself. I'm making this human connection.
In that first one, I'm someone you don't know that I'm just complimenting you as a gallery owner.
And I never even introduced myself. It's a very different thing when you even take the time just to introduce yourself because you're saying, hey, I'm a player in this space as well, right?
Exactly. That's the other problem here is I'm really undermining myself and devaluing my work in the first example.
By complimenting you and making myself look smaller, you know, whereas here I'm putting us on more equal footing, right?
To like compliment your work. but then also value myself and my work.
And the truth is, if we go too far with flattery, you could have the same piece, the same level of work.
And the person could see your work as less valuable if you haven't match them in your presence.
You don't have to match them. You don't have to say we're the same.
We're just as good as each other. You can show respect for the person while also having your own presence in that conversation.
That's the key. Exactly right. This second role play is very respectful.
I am still complimenting you right when you. complimented my piece, called it ambitious.
I said, that means a lot coming from you, but this is a reasonable sentence. it just is implying that I respect you I respect your work that compliment means a lot coming from you and then to say I'd be honored if you'd look at my current work.
This is still a compliment. I am telling you that I respect your opinion.
I respect what you've done in the art world. without laying on flattery that would just make you uncomfortable.
Yeah, and I love this topic today because we are all going to encounter this.
This is not just something that's going to happen, like we said, in the movies and Hollywood.
Even when I go to conferences and I get an introduction to, let's say, a big network, a name I know or a famous podcast. it's important to step up and talk to them as peers, right?
We're peers with them. They are not on this pedestal.
No one wants to be put on a pedestal. That's the key.
Absolutely. And this could happen in any field.
Whether you are in sales, whatever field you are in, you will likely be put in a position where either someone is complimenting you or you need to pay someone else a compliment.
And these tips will really help you make sure that they're sincere, that your intention is in the right place so that you're not just flattering and making someone feel uncomfortable.
Oh, my God. Such an incredible connection episode today.
Aubrey, what is the other episode our listeners could go to?
What is that number? Yes, if you missed it, it was Business English 449.
So just scroll up. Three tips for schmoozing at work.
This is really interesting as well. So be sure to scroll up if you missed it.
Yeah, I love it. And I think we've already done the takeaway.
I just want our listeners to know, value your own work. and understand your value.
I think that's probably where it starts, Aubrey.
We need to spend time understanding our own value because if we don't, then when we do happen to meet this big name, which you will, you'll meet the big names in your industry at some point, then you won't be ready to feel like a peer to them.
Right. So we spend time understanding our own value first before we go out there.
Yeah, absolutely. I love that. That is going to make it a little more of a given.
That you're paying sincere compliments if you want to share something you respect about them rather than flattering them.
Love it. So good. Great episodes today, Aubrey.
I'll see you next time. You have a good day.
You too. See you next time. Bye-bye. Bye.
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