This is the Business English Podcast, Episode 337, four phrases you should be saying to co -workers.
Welcome to the Business English Podcast from all ears English.
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For a presentation, a meeting, or your office party, this is Real Business English with your favorite American host, Lindsay and Aubrey coming to you from Arizona and Colorado, USA.
Hey Aubrey, how's it going?
I'm great. How are you Lindsay?
Good. I have an exciting question today.
Interesting question.
Would you say that the way someone phrases something can make a difference in relationships?
It's everything, right?
Someone can accidentally be condescending or critical when they just mean to help.
This happened not that long ago with my partner.
I was chopping onions on the counter and he came into the room and I really had chosen too small of a cutting board.
I was having a hard time keeping them on the cutting board and he said, should you maybe use a bigger cutting board?
And part of it was the tone was a little critical.
And then also just the way he phrased it, like the words he used, think of all the different ways he could say that or just don't say anything.
My immediate reaction was like, would you like to cut the onions?
Oh no. And you had a knife in your hand too, scary.
And I had a knife in my hand, right?
And he was really surprised by my reaction because he was just trying to be helpful and he sort of didn't think about how I might interpret it as criticism.
And this happens all the time in relationships that one person is just intending to be helpful, but it's going to be interpreted.
It's going to be received as either criticism or patronizing.
And so if we're not really careful about the way we phrase things, we can give the wrong impression.
Oh, 100%. So, I mean, in relationships it's something to work on for sure.
And then this can also apply to work life, right?
This is so good because these are things we can just learn.
They're the same thing as we can learn.
Yes. If there is some feedback that needs to be given, there are so many ways to phrase it.
Some can be very critical, offensive, rude even, and then others can be constructive and really with the goal of just finding a solution that will be received a lot better.
I love it. So today we're going to share something we got from a special...
Well, first of all, the information started from a study.
Aubrey, tell us about that study, some well -known technologies.
Right. So I saw this article called Couples in Successful Relationships, Always Use These Six Phrases.
It was by Aditi Shikrant just a couple of days ago, October 2024.
And I read it. I was fascinated.
I wanted to know all of the things, but it was based on a study.
Psychologist John Gottman and his wife, Julie Gottman, they interviewed 3 ,000 couples and followed some of them for as long as 20 years.
So they have a lot of good information here.
And they found out what makes relationships last.
I love that. And a lot of these can be applied to the workplace.
So good because it's the same basic human need to be heard, to be respected.
Right, Aubrey? Absolutely.
Right. I noticed this right away as I saw these things couples should be saying to each other.
I'm like, these are also things I want my co -workers to be saying to me because conflict is inevitable at work, just like it's inevitable in relationships.
You have to be prepared in advance.
To have thought about what you will say, the phrases that will help and bring a solution rather than compound the issue.
100%. I love this. Okay, so should we go into the phrases then, Aubrey?
Yes. So we're going to share four of the six today that are most related to business.
We're going to talk about why you would want to say this to a co -worker, why the phrasing would matter.
Let's dive into the first one here.
Okay, so here's the first one.
And we're going to show you maybe different ways to reword them too, right?
It doesn't have to be fixed anymore.
Yeah, a lot of them, because some of them are, it's worded a little more maybe for what you would say to a romantic partner and maybe you would phrase it a little differently to a co -worker.
Okay, so here's the basic phrase from the article.
I'm going to tell you something that may be upsetting to hear.
Now I might rephrase that to, this might be hard to hear.
This may be upsetting.
Yes, I have some bad news.
Prepare yourself, right?
But the concept is the same that, you know, withholding or delaying information that might be upsetting is never a good idea at work or in relationships.
We want to come to a solution as soon as possible, but it is really good to prepare someone a little bit instead of just dropping bad news right on them.
For sure, for sure.
You need to warm up, like, yeah, it's very, when that, that becomes very unpredictable, right?
And it erodes trust when bad news is kind of dropped unexpectedly out of the blue.
This is just a human thing that upsetting information to come out of the blue, like you said, is really going to throw us off guard.
We may react more emotionally or strongly, whereas just this one statement, preparing us for bad news can really set us up to like, we sort of brace ourselves almost just like bracing for impact on an airplane.
We're like ready now.
I'm ready to hear this bad news.
Well, I'm sure that like some hormones rush through the body of, you know, maybe some cortisol rushes.
This is body chemical.
Yeah. Like, yeah, self preservation, right?
We have those hormones that are protecting us 100%, 100%.
I mean, we're not that different.
It also shows empathy, right?
You're recognizing that your coworker might be upset by the news you're about to share.
So this is a lot of empathy instead of not caring at all how they're going to react or how they're going to feel and just dumping it on them.
You are showing empathy by preparing them.
So it's kind of two takeaways here is in the workplace, preparing when you have something to share, maybe in the weeks leading up to it somehow, or in the moment leading up to it.
And then this one dropping this one phrase, something like I'm going to tell you something that may be upsetting or this might be hard to hear.
This might be difficult.
There are a lot of ways we could reword.
Yes. And this is really all about building relationships, right?
If you have no relationship or no care, you might not think to just have this one statement to prepare them.
But if you do care about the relationship, the connection, you care about their feelings, then it is going to feel natural to you to just have this statement preparing them for what you're about to share.
Yes. And business is all relationships, right?
That's what we say in our courses.
We show you how that matters and how to get to those relationships.
Okay. Exactly. Okay.
There's a second one.
Well, there's a few more.
We have four total number two is it's understandable.
You feel that way. This is vital for relationships and it's fascinating how many people don't say this or don't realize they should say this.
And for coworkers, if a coworker is frustrated, disappointed, upset, for whatever reason, what you say can make them either feel embarrassed or foolish, or you can help them feel validated and heard.
Yes. Even if you don't feel the same way or they get make sense, you still, it's important, right, to try to make it clear that it's okay that they feel that way.
Right. Cause no feelings are wrong.
Right. Exactly. Everyone wants to have their emotions validated just to recognize that the rest, because it can be really embarrassing, especially at work.
If someone gets frustrated or emotional, they can feel very unsafe.
If people around them are awkward and not okay with them feeling emotion.
But if you can say, you know, I understand it's understandable that you feel that way, they're going to feel so much more care and heard and seen and safe with, you know, whatever emotions they're feeling.
I love it. And able to kind of move, move past the challenge, the present challenge and in front of them, um, and then you'll, you'll just have a stronger office environment, just better connections.
Yeah. This is another way to show empathy.
Like you said, Lindsay, even if you aren't experiencing the same feelings, you're not having the same reaction.
You can show empathy by helping them feel like you may not have sympathy because you're not experiencing the same thing, but you have care.
You have understanding you're validating that it's okay that they're feeling that way.
You got it. I love it.
Let's keep going, Aubrey.
What would be number three?
All right. Number three is I never, I never thought of things that way.
So this is really being open -minded.
Instead of really digging in with your own opinion, you know, really considering what someone's saying at work, we might say, I hadn't thought about it like that.
Or I hadn't considered that.
And this really shows the other person that you are either willing to compromise or at least willing to see their side.
Oh, for sure. For sure.
I hadn't thought about it like that.
Right. So willing that you're able to, uh, showing that you're willing to, um, consider a different perspective.
Right. That's huge.
That is huge. We often need to meet someone halfway, whether it's negotiations or if you're on a team and you don't see eye -to -eye on how to move forward, there will be compromises.
This is a big part of business and you need to acknowledge the value in what someone else is bringing to the table.
If they see that you only are valuing what you think, that's going to be a difficult working relationship.
And then what did the Gottman say about, about this getting, and the next one?
Yeah. Call these getting to yes phrases.
So if you think about a negotiation as getting to yes, then you both will be more open -minded because the goal is not to be right.
The goal is to find a solution.
The goal is to get to yes.
Yes. And I, I remember studying this in graduate school.
I don't know if we studied Gottman's work, but we studied negotiation.
And I think a lot of negotiate, current negotiation literature took some stuff from Gottman's work, which makes total sense, right?
Gottman is, is a re a researcher on relationships and negotiating is actually finding, having both people, there's no winner or loser.
Both people should come out happy and not getting exactly what they want, but, but not getting nothing.
Right. That's a good negotiation.
Yeah. It's very clear if a colleague only cares about their desired outcome, this is clear to everyone present, right?
You can really tell if someone, and if this is in the phrases, we're using, if someone does really see your side and values it and considers it.
Or if they're only really set on getting the outcome they want.
A hundred percent. And that's not the right way to negotiate at least anymore.
Maybe it was at one point in old school business, but it's not anymore.
So you're going to come to roadblocks, right?
You're going to have dead ends.
Like our last episode, scroll up if you missed it, that's going to happen a lot more if no one's willing to compromise.
Yeah. And also a good negotiation is about really spending time understanding the other person's priorities, what matters to them, because there may be a concession you can make that doesn't matter to you, but matters to them.
You don't mind giving it up something.
Yes. Right. And this phrase you're going to use after once you find out what matters to them, then you might use one of these.
I hadn't thought about it like that.
You know, have you considered that?
Yes, I love it. So this is actually, this is, this reminds me of my negotiation classes.
My master's program.
I love it. Good memories.
I hope. Yeah. Yeah.
Good, good stuff. All right.
Number four, what is it?
Number four is let's find a solution so you can see how this would be so vital.
Of course, with relationships where what is the goal?
Is the goal to be right or is the goal to move forward and find a solution?
It's the same at work.
We want the progress.
The moving forward is really the goal.
And I would suggest using this early on in, when, when something is brought up, even if you're the one being presented with news or information or saying this early on and asserting that you're here to find a solution is good, is strategic.
Even if you're maybe upset, right?
Absolutely. Right. To, to announce like to, to state that that's the goal, right?
We might be upset. We might be venting frustration, but really the goal is to find a solution.
And this you can imagine, you know, successful coworkers solve problems together.
So this is going to build that connection when you face together a problem.
And instead of letting it break you down or cause these negative feelings, and instead together, we're finding a solution.
Yes, I love it. Let's find a solution.
So again, this can be dropped anywhere, beginning, middle, and it's so good.
It's just, it's a signal.
It's a signal. And another thing you could say is I'd like to find a solution.
I, I'm here to find a solution, right?
Together, we can find a solution, right?
Exactly. Cause offering to work together too, shows you're invested not just in the project, but them as a person, right?
You're bringing it in instead of like, I'll fix this and get back to you when I know the solution.
I, I value you. I respect you and I want to work together on this.
I love it. All right.
Okay. I'll be, we are back from the break.
We're going to do two role plays today because we have two different scenarios, right?
Yeah. We have these phrases are really useful in two very different situations.
One where you're sharing some difficult news and the other where you're negotiating or trying to come to a solution more.
So two quick role plays.
The first one, you and I are coworkers and I'll start us out.
Okay. I'm going to tell you something that may be upsetting to hear.
Oh no. Okay. What is it?
We lost the Markell account.
I know you worked hard on it.
I'm sorry. It didn't turn out like we hoped.
That is so frustrating.
I can't believe this.
It's understandable.
You feel that way. Your team did an outstanding job.
I'm really sorry about this.
Yeah. Yeah, nice. So this is good.
Should we review this one right away?
Let's review this one.
So I first used that and there are a lot of different ways you could say this just like, I'm going to tell you something that is going to be difficult.
I'm going to tell you something that might be upsetting.
This may be hard to hear.
It's maybe hard to hear just preparing them.
Right, right. And that's where you get that quarter souls bike probably.
And then you say we lost the Markell account.
And I like also what you did here.
You said, I know you worked hard on it.
And so you're delivering this news to me because it matters to me.
Maybe I was in charge of that.
Account, right? This definitely seems like the conversation.
I recognize this is going to be more upsetting for you than for me for whatever reason I'm the one giving you the info, but I am showing empathy here by letting you know, I know this is upsetting.
I know you worked hard on it.
And then I say it's understandable.
You feel that way. Cause you're frustrated.
You're maybe feeling emotional and I'm validating those emotions.
Like I get it. I understand why you feel that way.
Yes, I love it. Okay.
Let's go into roleplay.
Number two, what is happening here?
You and I are negotiating a contract here.
All right. Here we go.
I'm worried we've reached an impasse here.
It doesn't seem likely that we can reach an agreement.
What if we consider structuring it another way and we provide materials, but you use a different vendor for manufacturing?
Well, I hadn't considered that that might work.
Good to hear it. Let's find a solution.
Nice. Okay. So what were the key phrases that we used here?
I hadn't considered that.
So I've offered a solution, right?
I'm offering an, a different option that might work.
And so you're using, this is a great phrase, you know, I hadn't considered that.
So you're clearly actually acknowledging the idea, considering it, even if you've said, you know, I think we've reached an impasse, you you're sort of like ready to give up, but then this is a great phrase for recognizing, okay, no, this is a good idea.
Let's consider this.
Yeah. And then you said, good to hear it.
Let's find a solution.
And again, we said that that could be said that could have been said at the beginning to write, like you could have said, I'm worried we've reached an impasse.
Let's find a solution.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
Right. So you're signaling that it's hard, right?
We're in a top negotiation, but I'm here to find a solution to find a, something that's going to work for both of us.
Yes. That's really a great takeaway.
If you look at this role play, the way I had you start out is very fatalistic.
Like, I think we've reached an impasse and this is a good takeaway to try to adjust that mindset.
If you're always looking to find a solution, even if it feels like you've reached that dead end to have that mindset of like, we can fix this together.
Totally. I love it.
This is so good. What a cool idea, taking advice for love and applying it to your work life, your office, and it really makes sense because like you said, Lindsay, it's all about relationships.
You want to care for you and to take care of these relationships, build trust at work in the same way you do with a romantic partner.
100%. And that's, that's the takeaway, right?
It's just people, people need the same things, right?
Often it's, it's, you know, people need to feel safe.
They need to feel respected.
I mean, our brains haven't changed that much from the days of, you know, the tiger running after us.
And so we know that about ourselves.
We know that about neurotransmitters, about chemicals in the body.
And there are certain things you can do to calm people down and let them know you're here to help and that empathy to show you care.
You respect them. You respect their ideas and the phrases you use can really make a difference, both intonation and just the words.
You got it. All right.
This is great, guys.
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All right. Awesome.
Thanks, Lindsay. I'll see you next time.
All right, Aubrey. Take care.
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