This is the Business English Podcast episode 295.
What should you do when a coworker is rude to you?
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Hey Aubrey, what's happening with you today?
How's it going? I'm having a great day.
What about you, Lindsay?
Oh, I'm glad to hear that.
Yes, we're getting to the end of the week here as we're recording this.
And so feeling good, feeling good.
I have a question for you.
Have you ever had a coworker that was really rude?
Not recently, I know all of your coworkers.
I know. I think of any of them.
I'm pretty special. I'm bigger companies.
Yeah. No, I've been really pretty lucky in my career.
Maybe when I worked in Tokyo, like there were some clashes with the other native speaking teachers a few times, but nothing major.
What about you? Have you dealt with this before?
A rude coworker? Yes, I remember one specific teacher when I worked in the Bronx, who I feel like there was sort of like her social skills were just a little lacking and she would be rude without even realizing it.
And when I read this, we have a great question from our listener, Lucy, today.
And when I read this, I have some solidarity with you.
I feel like I knew someone who would say things like this.
And sometimes I didn't really know how to respond.
Yeah, it's really hard when you're just, well, first of all, getting the language skills, knowing exactly what to say and what the implications are, the nuances, the meanings.
And so, and also being professional, remaining professionals.
So we have a great question from Lucy.
Should I go ahead and read it?
I'll read it. I'll dive right in.
Yes. All right. So Lucy says, hi, all ears, all ears business English podcast team.
My name is Lucy and thank you so much for your wonderful podcast.
I have a complicated situation at work, which I wonder if you could help me with.
I have a coworker. I am his supervisor who says rude things about others or me very casually.
He would say things such as, I don't think Adam is that good.
Or I should have applied for your position.
Or this project is really time consuming.
And it's not even our job.
Because he says these things very casually, it's hard to stop him at that moment.
But I think I should say something.
I don't want to say it too directly, such as what you say can come across as rude since he can take it personally.
Oh, do you have any tips or phrases I can use?
All the best Lucy. Oh my gosh.
It's so tricky. I thought about this a little while because her first question is really like, I have a hard time saying something right in the moment, right?
When he says something because he's saying it so casually, that it almost feels too direct to stop him and say something.
But so then you're sort of in a situation where you would have to have a more formal meeting and sit him down and say something like that.
What you say can come across as rude.
Give him examples of things he has said that have felt rude or critical.
And if you want to avoid that more formal sit down one-on-one meeting, you have to say something in the moment.
Even if they're saying it pretty casually, we have three tips today of ways of things you can say right away when something like this is said.
Yeah, this is hard. If it's not necessarily in your personality to be confronted or coming back quickly with a comeback, this can be really hard.
You can just make up a word there, Lucy.
Confrontative. I wish it were, I think confrontational is the word, but I actually really like confrontative.
I think we should adopt it.
Look it up, look it up, let's see if it's in the app.
Totally, love that one.
Yeah, exactly. So if it's not in your personality to have that kind of response quickly, it's tricky.
And also I think this guy knows exactly what he's doing, which is the hard part.
He's being passive aggressive.
Exactly. This is the definition of passive aggressive.
And it is hard to stop something that's passive aggressive to stop them and say something because it's like in passing and then it moves on and it feels like the moment's gone so fast.
Exactly. And then you question yourself, am I just being sensitive?
It ends up being a big head game.
So we have three good recommendations, strategies for you today, right?
Yes. And these we've sort of divided them.
These three examples Lucy gave us because they're sort of buckets here.
The first one is criticizing another coworker, right, when they say, I don't think Adam is that good or is that good at his job.
So that's our first one we're going to focus on.
And our first advice is to turn it around.
I've done this before. If someone says something negative about someone, rather than saying like, I don't think you should say those things about them.
Instead, I say something positive about that same coworker.
So let's do a mini role plan to show how that could look.
Lindsay. All right. Here we go.
So you start us off. I'll start with the negative.
Really. I don't think Adam is that good at his job.
Really? I was really impressed by his work on the last project.
Oh, good to know. I didn't work with him on that.
Maybe I should cut him some slack.
And this is best case scenario, right, that they might take it back.
Like, oh, OK, this person isn't going to gossip with me.
It doesn't really like that I'm saying negative things.
And might even take my opinion into consideration and think something better about this coworker.
That's the ideal situation.
Yeah. Yeah, there's a lot going on here, especially because Lucy is the supervisor of this person.
She actually has an opportunity to stop this kind of behavior.
It's not going to, unless she digs into it and follows his lead, also getting toxic like that, it will stop because the leader of the company can set the tone for what the culture is and what's acceptable.
So I think it's really important for her to push back in this positive way.
Right, Aubrey? Right. And of course, yeah, you do have that option of being more direct and sort of punitive, you know, to say something like, I do not appreciate you saying negative things about coworkers, but that can hurt the connection, can create awkwardness.
So especially if it's the first time they're saying something like this, this is a good method to instead just say, really, I was so impressed with their work on, you know, something, say something positive about them and see what the reaction is.
Yeah, I think you can say so much more by just saying something positive, rather than explicitly calling out what he's doing.
I agree. You can say much more that way.
It's a vibe. It's a tone.
It's a feeling. And he was, oh, this is the culture of this company.
I see maybe it's not for me or maybe I'll stop doing this.
Right. Exactly. You might be able to flip the tone, change the tone, and let them know without, you know, having that disciplinary action, just to let them know that that won't be accepted, you know, saying negative things about other coworkers.
All right. So that is our first strategy.
Turn it around. Yeah, good.
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Thank you. Okay, Aubrey, second strategy.
What can we do? So our second strategy is based on that second example that Lucy gave where they said, this project is really time consuming and it's not even our job.
So I think a good strategy is to politely disagree.
Right. If they're criticizing the work or the assignment, you can use a concession, which is agreeing with part of what they're saying to soften your disagreement.
And then you politely disagree.
Let's see how this might look, Lindsay.
Yeah, let's see. We're going to need to see this in words.
Here we go. So, oh, this project is really time consuming and it's not even our job.
It is taking a lot of time.
But I'm excited to be working on it.
I've always enjoyed a challenge.
Again, you're turning it around.
It's still also the turnaround strategy.
It's taken to this too, right?
We've ridden it around, but with a concession.
This is amazing how powerful it is.
Anytime you're having an argument, a disagreement, if you can give a concession, agree with something they're saying, here, you're agreeing, but it is taking a lot of time.
That can't be denied. So you could agree, oh, it is taking a lot of time.
Then you agree, you politely disagree.
You turn it around, right?
But I'm excited to be working on this.
Right. And I think that would be a great other episode to do in the future, Aubrey.
Guys, hit follow. Talking about giving concessions, making a concession in that moment, in a sentence like this, and how we want to vary our tone of voice.
It is taking a lot of time.
Right? There is a change in our tone of voice that has to happen so that it makes sense what we're saying.
Exactly. Because if your tone is also complaining, it will be strange.
Oh, it is taking a ton of time.
Then it'll sound weird when you're like, but I'm excited to be working on it.
The tone is important here.
So we'll come back to that another day, hit the follow button.
But the next one is the third.
Yeah? Set them straight.
Okay, so the other things aren't working.
What can we do, Aubrey? Yes, or for that third example, where this coworker was saying, I should have applied for your job.
Like they're implying that they would do a better job than you are.
They are criticizing you.
If they are criticizing or demeaning you or your performance, you can politely set them straight.
What does that mean to set someone straight, Lindsay?
Tell them it's not acceptable or show them rather that this is not acceptable what they're doing.
Right? This is where it goes from passive-aggressive to straight out aggressive.
Right? What are you saying?
I should have your job. That's aggressive.
It is aggressive. Yeah.
And setting some of the straights just to inform them of the truth of a situation.
Right? So because we use this in lots of different ways, I got to set them straight.
Like they have a misunderstanding of some kind.
I'm going to make sure that they to clear up this misunderstanding in whatever way we do it.
Yeah. And so how would we set them straight, Aubrey?
What are the things we need to know about this strategy?
Okay, there are a few strategies here.
Right? There are lots of different ways to set someone straight.
You could be very direct and clear and say, I don't appreciate you saying something like that.
Right? But there's a light-hearted phrase that you could use to remove the awkwardness from the situation that I really love.
I use this a lot. If someone says something critical or demeaning, I say, wow, tell me how you really feel.
Have you heard that, Lindsay?
I use this a lot. Oh, for sure.
I mean, really, you're not in this situation very often.
But when I am, I love this phrase.
And it usually makes kind of, they're like, taken aback.
Like, okay, you're right.
That was really rude. Yeah, for sure.
I know that as it's our cast eggs, sometimes a little sarcasm can help.
Especially if it's the first time.
I would be careful who's around.
It can sound a little unprofessional to take this tone if other people are around.
Right? But let's say you're alone with a person in a meeting room and they're just really just coming at you like this.
Maybe this is the first crack you take.
Right? That's a good point.
Because if there are a lot of people around, you risk humiliating them.
Because that's kind of what this is doing.
It's pointing, it's the what you're saying.
When you say, wow, tell me how you really feel.
What you're saying is that was super rude.
I can't believe you said that.
That's what that means.
Yeah. So let's look at it in a role play.
Okay. This is ideally best case scenario.
I agree. If it's just you and this other person, then it's great.
They're not going to be publicly humiliated.
You're just letting them know.
That was super rude. And you should apologize.
Exactly. So here's what it could look like.
Wow, I should have applied for your position.
Wow. Tell me how you really feel.
Well, nothing against you.
I just think I do a good job in that role.
I guess we'll never know.
I'd love to say this. They're still saying I would do a better job than you.
I kind of love saying, well, I guess we'll never know because I have the job.
As I was reading the words though, that just the fact that someone would say that, do you know it's incredibly, but Lucy is dealing with a person who says things like that.
And I have also met people who do, and they don't realize how it's coming across.
I don't think this person would say, I would do a better job than you.
They're not realizing that that's what's implied.
They're sort of not thinking about what's implied by their words.
Sure. For sure. So yeah.
Okay, what else do we need to know here?
Tell me how you really feel.
And again, there's some warnings there.
Yeah. Make sure that people don't get the wrong idea.
I think it can also have a little bit of a casual.
Sometimes a little bit of a juvenile tone is my opinion there.
I'll be about that one. So that's another reason just to be careful.
So here's the question, Lucy.
Let's say that this, I think this would be rare.
But let's say someone says this in a group of people to their supervisor, right?
Says, I should have applied for their job.
Or I should have applied for your job and other people hear it.
What do you think? How, what would be, this is hard.
I, of all the questions we've been asked of business English, I think this is the most rare that someone would be in a situation like this, because it's so rare that someone's that blatantly rude.
So it could happen. What do you think could be said?
Well, I think as a supervisor, you kind of have to not get pulled into the weeds, right?
What is that experience?
When they go low, we go high.
I think that was Obama's slogan or something.
Yeah, Michelle. Obama said that.
Yeah. Yeah. So I think to maintain the respect of your team, for Lucy as a supervisor, she can't get into the weeds and start, I think, to start throwing out sarcasm because then you're on that level in a sense, right?
So you might say something like, interesting point.
Let's move on with the meeting.
Right. Something like that because it makes it clear that you don't really.
We're not going to get into it.
It's like nothing. They're hitting a brick wall.
It means nothing. And it's not going to be hers.
It's not going to be tolerated.
And then you maintain the positivity and the energy and you don't let that person bring down the rest of the team.
Right? Yeah. I love that.
We think about how what we say might give value or weight to what they're saying.
And if we engage, then sort of acknowledging that what they're saying might be true or have some weight.
And if you say what you said, Lindsay, then it sort of shuts that down.
I love that. Kind of, but I think on a social level, like if I'm out with friends, something like, wow, tell me how you really feel.
I like it. It's about context because you're not having to worry about leadership.
And that's a good point.
This is sort of the role play we gave implies a small company, a close relationship, right?
Where you have some banter.
You have been joking together.
And then it would be like, wow, tell me how you're really feel.
I'm calling them out for being rude.
If you don't have that relationship, that really wouldn't work.
And you would need to be a little more direct or like you said, Lindsay, sort of dismiss it entirely.
Yeah, there's a lot of context.
So for Lucy and for anyone else who happens to be in a situation like this, give some thought to the context of your company.
What kind of leader you want to be and how you want to handle this, right?
Give some real thought to it.
Maybe in the beginning, just let them say things and don't even respond.
That might be the default initially, right?
Once if these strategies aren't working or before you try these strategies, and then figure this person out to see how to react to them.
Yeah, that's a good point, especially.
It's interesting how it changes a lot if there are people witnessing, right?
Yeah, it's one thing to like be able to say something to them to sort of dismiss it.
But if it's in a meeting and there are other people witnessing, there is sort of a power balance you have to keep.
There's a lot to think about.
Hmm, interesting. Yeah, yeah.
But do you think that not kind of not acknowledging or sort of dismissing a little bit?
I think that means I think that's how you keep the the super power.
I agree. Yeah, because if yeah, I'm imagining in a meeting someone said something like that.
If the leader just sort of like gave them a look like if that was inappropriate and then just said moving on, I think everybody would sort of be maybe a little embarrassed for the person who said it.
And like the whole of power stays with the leader.
For sure. 100%. So that could be strategy number four.
I love it. So good. Aubrey, this is great.
In terms of we don't have as much time today to talk about when you should report things to HR.
But in American business culture, think about doing it sooner than later.
Right? That's what I would say.
If someone is agree. I agree.
You shouldn't have to put up with these kind of insults.
These kind of comments, right?
I would say report it to HR.
If you are this person's supervisor, I would definitely document these conversations.
What you say, what they say, because you're wanting to have documentation in the future, you need to elevate the situation.
Right. Right. Because the truth is, if this person is like this all the time, it's going to create a toxic team, toxic work culture, and nothing's going to get done.
And people are going to, you may lose good employees in that case, right?
You lose other people that are great.
You have to deal with that.
Exactly. Yeah, not good.
Not good. All right, let's take away.
I think we've given our listener Lucy some fantastic ideas today.
I agree. Yeah, just to take away if co-workers are rude or inappropriate, you don't have to put up with it.
You should say something.
It's just a matter of what can you say, right?
To try and minimize awkwardness, but also to let them know that you're not going to be stepped on like this.
Yeah, it's good stuff. And now we have the language to do it.
All right. Thanks, Aubrey, for coming to the show today and bringing some great content.
We'll see you next time.
Awesome. See you next time.
Bye. All right. Bye. Thank you for listening to Business English, a podcast just for you.
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