These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well -being.
Just in case you need to hear this I have to say this I have to tell somebody out there if you're listening right now and you are in the middle of making a decision that will affect your future like let me just pull one up out of thin air like you're getting a divorce and you feel so bad about getting a divorce that you decide to pay your ex a certain amount of money for a number of years I actually know somebody who did this who felt really bad about getting a divorce so she ended up signing an agreement or making a contract up to pay him a certain amount of money every month for indefinitely
until he got married again.
I think that was the stipulation.
That's not very good incentive for him to get married again, that's for sure, but that's what she did.
She felt bad. She had compassion, very good qualities but after I don't know it was like two to two to four months I think.
It's like a time range where the fog lifts.
I even use that in emotionally abusive relationships when somebody gets out of an emotionally abusive relationship where they're really attached to the person that they are leaving but they still love them and they love things when they're great but they hate them when they're not.
It takes like two to four months to get past that point where you feel so bad about it or you still feel these loving feelings toward them or what have you.
They're just this emotional connection.
Sometimes a trauma bond will be that like where you really, really love somebody who's also hurting you, a trauma bond can form.
And I've seen relationships like that where somebody will break up and then they will feel really bad and sometimes they'll go back and sometimes they'll go back over and over again.
They'll leave and they'll come back and they'll leave and they'll come back and it's an endless cycle because not enough time has passed for the fog to lift. I call it the fog.
Whatever it is for you.
You probably know what I mean like when you are ending something you still have these strong feelings about it, these strong thoughts about it, and you are in this state of mind and this emotional state where you feel like something's not done yet.
Something's not finished.
That unfinished business feeling.
There's something more there that I need to address.
I need to make up for something.
I need to apologize more.
that feeling that lingers after an event like that.
And I'm just using like a romantic relationship, a marriage, as an example.
I mean people feel this at their jobs, I hate to leave them.
I've felt that way before.
I hate to leave them, I'm going to leave them and they're going to have so many more responsibilities without me there.
Gee, maybe I should stay longer.
and that has prevented me from leaving a job sooner, a relationship sooner, I've just had this I don't want to call it a bleeding heart that's usually like a political term, but it is usually a heart that is big enough to house many other people beside yourself, an abundance of compassion and care for somebody else or or for many other people.
Leaving a job might make you feel bad for leaving all these people because you're the only one who can do that job.
That's the feeling you get.
I remember leaving, I'm gonna get to a point in a minute here, but I remember leaving a place I worked in the early 90s.
And before I left, I thought, oh my God, there's like 20 people here that all rely on me.
And leaving them will leave them high and dry.
I felt like I was the only one who could help all these people with my specific skill set, my specific knowledge of everything that went on because I had been there for years and I developed all this knowledge about how everything works and there's a lot of technology involved, so I know all the technical aspects of it as well.
And so I felt like leaving would leave them in a very bad place.
And so the day came where I gave them my resignation, and then eventually I left. And so I still knew people and I still talked to the people there, and I don't know when it was, a few weeks or a couple months later, I talked to the new manager there because I was part of management.
And I asked how things were going and he said, Oh, everything's fine.
Everything's going fine.
I was so worried that my absence would cause the downfall, or low morale, or low efficiency.
I was just worried that people would be upset that I wasn't there and they wouldn't like me because I left but it turned out they managed and they were fine.
There were there was a lot of stuff that I knew and I wrote down a lot of stuff.
I gave them a reference book of what I knew and then I realized that reference book just basically replaced me.
So I set them up to succeed but I still have those feelings like, oh man, I take care of everything there.
I take care of so much. I talked to all the people in the field and I'm the one they ask for.
How will they manage without me?
So I set myself at a very high level of importance in that position, in that company and putting myself on that high level of importance.
Narcissistically speaking, but maybe that was there too.
Maybe I thought, well, no one is as smart as me in this.
But mostly it was just knowing so much that other people didn't know, at least from what learned because I was a specialist in that area that I truly believed back then that I that I couldn't be replaced.
We are all replaceable.
That's not my main point but we are all replaceable in most relationships, in most work situations.
There are very few exceptions.
No one can replace a child and you know no one can replace a mom or dad and I mean there are replacements but I'm just saying like biologically like if you have a biological mom or dad that has happened that has that's been done and somebody else can come along and be a wonderful mom or dad to you non biologically you know emotionally having a bond with somebody who becomes a caretaker you you know, being adopted.
Someone can be a wonderful mom or dad, doesn't have to be biological, and that's an entirely different subject matter that I know affects a lot of people being adopted.
But boy when somebody...
I'll just make this little side note, when somebody decides to adopt a child, that is just a huge commitment to somebody that you have no idea who they're gonna grow up to be, they just love you as a human being and that's just amazing to me.
So that's my little side note on adoption and I know again there are a lot of people out there that you know have a challenge feeling adopted or being adopted or learning that they were adopted or whatever and that I can understand that.
I can understand a lot of emotional stuff that is involved with that.
Then some people are like hey I'm glad I was adopted I'm glad that somebody decided to commit their life to me that's just wow that's just amazing so my little side note on adoption my little side trek on another path of what I'm talking about today but bringing it back to one of my original comments what was it eight minutes ago So where this woman decided to pay her ex, ex number of dollars, because she was the breadwinner and she felt really bad that she was getting a divorce.
She really had a big heart and he just took advantage of it.
I'm not saying he was a bad guy, but he was put in a position where until he got married he was set every month.
And a few months after she did that she realized why the hell did I do that?
We get into that trance -like state of compassion.
We're in this trance, like we have to be compassionate to somebody we believe we're either hurting or can't take care of themselves.
And when we get into that state of mind or that emotional state, we might set ourselves up to regret something later.
We might commit to something that we regret later.
And so, I just want to put this out there is that before you make a big decision like that, check in with yourself and ask yourself the following question.
When the dust settles and I'm no longer in this amplified state of mind in this heightened emotional state and I'm feeling regular, again, not overly compassionate, not overly sympathetic or empathetic, but my homeostatic state, my normal, how I feel the majority of the time.
Would I make the same decision then?
What this is going to do is help you step out of your current, amplified heightened state and remind you who you are the majority of the time because what's going to happen is it's like the honeymoon period in a relationship, a new relationship where the energy settles, the newness settles, the novelty of having a new person in your life or even in a new job, you're gonna get used to and settle into a routine.
And you have to get in touch with your routine, with your normal, your homeostatic state, who you are most of the time.
Get in touch with that state.
Right now I'm in a homeostatic state because I'm not feeling overly emotional or I'm not overthinking things unless that is your homeostatic state which you should work on.
But you have this state of mind and this emotional state that you're in the majority of the time.
And when you're in that state of mind, will you feel the same way and make that same decision?
because you have to put yourself in the state of mind that you'll be after the fog lifts or before the fog ever appeared.
And let's just call the fog whatever heightens your emotional state, exaggerates your normal state, amplifies it because when you are in your normal homeostatic state, you are more likely to make decisions that are more rational, more reasonable and more long term.
And you're going to think more clearly because the fog clouds your clear thinking.
And when you're in that fog, let's just say that you are deeply in love with someone.
I'm so in love. Anything they do is okay with me.
I'm so smitten by them when you're deeply in love and they say let's get married I know we've only known each other for a couple days but I know you're my soulmate I love you so much in that amplified state of mind you might you might say yes or you might have a different thought like I would say what are you crazy what are you talking about I just met you the other day and I really love what we're experiencing here, but that's uh really fast. Let's get to know each other.
But that is a reasonable thought to have in a heightened state and if you can get yourself out of that heightened state by asking yourself what would I do, what would I say, what would I commit to when I'm in my normal state of mind, when I'm in my normal emotional state?
And I know can be hard to get to, you know, sometimes when you're in that heightened state it can be hard to access your normal state, your homeostatic state.
It is important that you do that before you sign any type of proverbial contract or real contract about your future and that is one way to think about your future is asking yourself something like Is what I'm about to do something that will last long -term that I won't be able to stop if I change my mind later?
Is what I'm about to commit to something that I won't be able to stop in a short period of time later?
There's a difference between signing up for something for six months versus signing up for something for six years or longer.
If you are committing to something, I mean, we're all thinking it right?
Marriage. If you were in a relationship and marriage is on the table.
I like to ask the question, is what I have really good now?
And are there any issues that we need to address before we make that commitment?
Because I've seen this over and over again, whatever is going on before you commit to somebody, whatever is going on in the relationship before you marry them will amplify.
And if what is going on in the relationship is half the time you're upset or angry or sad, you're going to see that more often when you are married, when you are a committed relationship, where it is more difficult to get out of because of all the legalities and the signing of the contracts and when there are kids or assets or anything like that.
That's a big commitment.
If you're young listening to this right now listen carefully.
Marriage is a big commitment.
I endorse, I got married again because I learned.
I learned my lesson.
I learned that things need to be going great or at least really really good because what's happening currently will amplify once you commit.
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Look at it in reverse the way I'm talking about today.
What happens when you commit to sticking around in a relationship, in a job, in any type of situation that's not going so well now, it will amplify.
It will usually amplify.
It doesn't always, but it will usually amplify.
Or it won't change, and it's already bad.
But, and this is where we connect it back to having a really big heart, if you have a really big heart and you feel really bad about leaving, or you have this overly compassionate feeling toward the person or the people that you're leaving and you decide to make a decision that will affect the rest of your life or a long part of your life, while you're in that amplified state, while you're being overly compassionate, and having all these wonderful, caring feelings, which again are wonderful to have and just shows the kind of person you are.
Bring yourself back into a reasonable state of mind so you're not amplified by asking yourself, Who am I when I am in my homeostatic, normal place?
How do I normally feel because if I'm in the fog now, I may make a decision that affects me for a really long time and that's why I started off this episode talking about a kind of commitment that you might make signing up for something that you might regret later or feel really bad that you did it.
I mean there are all kinds of scenarios that can come up.
For example, another example of this is I received a message a long time ago where somebody said, I just wanted out of the marriage, so I gave him everything.
I even signed over full custody of the children just to get out of the marriage.
And from there, her life, it went downhill.
I mean it didn't go well for her and I felt so sad reading this, this is what happens.
We can get into this heightened state of mind in this exaggerated amplified emotional state and just want it to stop.
We just want to finish this.
We just want to get that person out of our lives so we'll do anything to make that happen without thinking how it's going to feel later.
And I understand why happens.
I'm not putting her down for this.
A lot of people do this.
I made a financial mistake like 15 -20 years ago that I had some regrets about, but I just wanted to get out from under what I was in and I made this mistake.
And, it wasn't a massive debt to me.
In fact, it was getting rid of a debt, but it could have been something that made me more money later, but I got rid of it.
And I was just young and I didn't know the decisions I was supposed to make and my wife asked me today you should have kept that because you could have made some money with a condo that I owned and you could have made some money you could have rented it out and I said I know, I know, I made some stupid decisions because I was so stressed out all the time.
I was so... I was filled with anxiety and I didn't want to deal with it and so I never took a step back and I never talked the right people.
Sometimes you have to talk to the right people like in a relationship where of that woman who wrote to me.
She was in that relationship and she signed over full custody of the kids so she could never see them.
And then her ex gets married and has another kid and now him and his new wife have her kids.
It's very difficult and I know I'm talking to a few people that are listening now that can feel this.
I get it. I'm so sorry if that has happened to you.
I just wish that the person who wrote to me said that I didn't know what to do, so I contacted an attorney because I didn't know my rights.
But she was so emotionally affected that she just wanted out from under that heavy weight of the burden that was on her and all the stress.
And of course her ex was just a a real piece of work she explained everything that he did a real piece of work and so he made her life hell of course you want to get out of that relationship you want to get out of that situation with somebody who makes your life hell but committing to something that will affect you later when the fog lifts that's when we get in trouble I don't put you down for ever doing that.
I don't put myself down for doing that because we were who we were back then with the resources that we had and the knowledge that we knew and the understanding of the way things worked and we couldn't have been any better than we were because that's who we were.
Sometimes we make mistakes and we have to say, well, I couldn't have made any other choice because that's the choice I it is the choice I made and so I must move forward how can I make things as good as possible as great as possible today how can I work things out today how can I make better decisions today and maybe something I said today will help you pause before you make a big decision like that before you sign on dotted line.
Is it a dotted line?
I thought it was a straight line.
I don't know where that term comes from, but that's what comes to me.
That signing on the dotted line, committing to something that may blow up in your face later.
I mean, I know I'm talking about impulsive decisions here, but some of these decisions, they aren't impulsive.
They're just, sometimes they're survival.
Sometimes we have to make a decision to survive.
I don't have a problem with that.
If you need to survive, you need to do what you need to do.
But get all the information you need to make the decisions that are right for you so that you won't regret them later.
Sometimes it's tough, sometimes it feels impossible, sometimes it is impossible, but you want to do everything you can to have no regrets.
And that's not possible all the time, I understand, but you wanna get all the resources and all the support that you can get and all the information that you can get.
We're in the information age and there are people that will help you and will support you and if you don't have the money there are still ways you can talk to people and get their input, get their advice.
There are so many people online that have gone through what you've gone through, maybe people that you've met, that you know, that will share with you what they had to go through and they wish they had done differently i don't have to tell you this i know this is common knowledge i just want to make sure that if you're in the middle of a big decision or something that you know will last a long time something that you're going to commit to that's going to last a long time ask yourself that important question when i'm out of the fog you know whatever whether that fog is positive or negative, when my
emotions aren't so amplified, when I'm not in this heightened mental state, what decision would I make then?" And if you can't even get there, another way to do this is just to ask yourself, okay, my best friend just told me about this.
My best friend is asking me this question.
So imagine that you're in the scenario that you're gonna have to make this decision, but your best friend is also in that scenario telling you the story that you're in telling you the situation that you're in and it really comes down to what would you tell your best friend?
Because then you have an objective viewpoint you can look at your best friend with unconditional love and also wanting to steer them right and when you can see yourself that way when you want to steer yourself right it is so helpful to look at your own situation objectively and when you can't do that just ask yourself what would I tell my best friend and then listen listen to your answer and why would you tell your best friend that ask that question of yourself why would I tell my best friend that why would I tell my best friend that they need to leave their job because that workplace is toxic
and you need to get out of there why would I tell them that well I don't want my best friend to be exposed to that toxicity because they're a good person and they don't deserve that.
That's what your best friend is gonna tell you.
That's another way to dissociate and get out of your own body and look at things objectively when you are in that amplified state or whatever state you're in before you make a commitment.
And that commitment could be leaving somebody or marrying somebody or leaving a job or starting a new job?
How will I feel then?
And it's a lot of difficulty.
You don't know everything.
You don't know everything that's gonna happen.
And you're gonna make mistakes.
You're gonna make decisions that are wrong, but I do like to...
It's like, am I gonna sign this five -year contract with this mobile carrier?
Do I wanna do that?
Maybe. Maybe you can look at that and go, well, they're offering it at the same price every year, it's not gonna go up.
That does sound good, because I know I'll always have a phone.
Just do it in a clear state of mind.
Because when I think about that, the first thing that comes to my mind is, what if they change carriers, what if somebody buys them and doesn't honor the contract.
I have my suspicions, I'm a little cynical, I'm a little skeptical, so I don't really wanna sign a contract for that long.
And then I think, okay Paul, you decided to marry Asha, and I asked myself, well what was I thinking before then?
I was thinking that wow, this is the best relationship I've ever had where I'm not constantly in a triggered state.
I've done a lot of healing.
I know what a good relationship looks like now.
I teach this stuff.
I should know what to look for and my gauge is always, when you feel good most of the time then, that's a good direction to go, and I'd feel good almost all the time with her.
So I stepped out of my heightened state, my emotional state and just thought, okay, if I commit to this person for the rest of our lives how would that look?
Who am I in my normal homeostatic state?
And when I think about that I realized, wow, I can be myself when I'm with her.
I am myself when I'm with her.
That's like a bottom line for me.
When you can be yourself wherever you are, then you're probably in the right place.
I think I'll leave that there.
Thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to take a quick moment to thank everyone that has given to the show.
Heather, Sandra, Tammy, Cheyenne, Ashlee, Maria, Deleg, Paige, Krystal, Wanda, Debra, Michelle, Angel, Kristy, Brad.
Brad's been a long time giver and Zach has been a long time giver, Stephen has been a long time giver, and Superjaw.
I always get her name wrong, but I am so grateful for all of the people that give to the show.
I try not to come off as begging.
I just put it out. I remember doing this the first time.
I remember the first person sent me a check they wanted to send me money and I thought I don't even know how to process that this was back in 2014 and she said how do I pay you how do I give you money and I said you don't have to give me money you don't have to do it and she said but I want to and so okay you know who am I to refuse I just gave her the address to send it to and she sent me a check it was the first payment that how do I I feel so humbled and grateful for that first time and subsequently every other time someone has given something they've earned to me I tear I think about it I
tear up it is so humbling and I I just want to convey my appreciation and my gratitude for those who have done that over the years.
So many people. I am so grateful for all of you and the names I just read are the ones who are currently giving and I just want to acknowledge those people.
So thank you so much. I am definitely humbled and honored by that.
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Thank you again patrons and everyone who's donated over the years.
And I want to tell you about my other podcast Love and Abuse that is for difficult relationships.
If you're in a difficult relationship or you want to learn if you're in a difficult relationship listen to that podcast it's over at Loveandabuse .com.
I've been doing that since 2019 and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship you know admit it admit that you're the difficult one and uh you know if you don't know you You might have to figure that out.
I actually have episodes at LoveAndAbuse .com to help you figure that out.
But if you believe you might be, or you know you are and you want to work on that in yourself, you want to heal that in yourself, head over to HealedBeing .com and sign up for the free lessons that you can start the journey.
Start the journey, if you resonate with the free lessons, then you can continue that.
That's over at HealedBeing .com.
And with that always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions and be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure and above all and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
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