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Hey friends, it's Rosie here.
Welcome to Radio Headspace and to Tuesday.
There's an old Buddhist saying, holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it to someone else.
You are the one who gets burned.
Needless to say, I've burned myself more times than I'd like to admit.
There was a situation a few years ago where I felt deeply wronged by someone.
A close friend betrayed my trust, and instead of addressing it head -on, I let the resentment fester.
Every time I thought about it, my stomach would tighten, my jaw would clench. I was carrying this anger like a weight.
And the worst part?
They had no idea. They had completely moved on.
We would go have a tea date, and they would carry on like everything was well in the world.
Meanwhile, I sat there stewing, deep in the grips of my internal suffering.
Okay, well, maybe it wasn't that deep, but it sure felt like it.
I think at an intellectual level we know and maybe even understand that resentment doesn't punish the other person.
It punishes us. So there's this idea that if we let go, it's beneficial to us, right?
We let go not for their sake, but for our own peace so that we can reclaim our energy.
But it's not that easy.
Because here's what actually happened.
It wasn't some massive, earth -shattering betrayal.
She didn't steal from me or do something so obviously unforgivable.
What she did was take something I had shared with her in confidence, something I had said in a moment of venting, and she passed it along to a mutual friend.
At first, I had no clue, but when that mutual friend casually brought it up in conversation, I felt my stomach drop.
It was one of those moments where time slows down for a second, and you're just replaying everything in your head thinking, wait, how did they know that?
And then it clicked.
I felt exposed, embarrassed, angry, but mostly I felt betrayed.
This was someone I trusted, someone I'd been vulnerable with.
And now, what I had shared in private had become a casual conversation for other people.
And instead of addressing it, though, I did what a lot of us do.
I stuffed it down. I smiled through it.
I told myself it wasn't that big of a deal.
But every time I saw this friend, I felt it.
This low -grade, simmering resentment.
The cold. coal. And instead of bringing it up, I let it fester.
They had no idea I was mad at them.
None. We would still grab tea, still have conversations, and while they were talking about their life, I sat there, nodding, pretending everything was fine, while on the inside, I was still gripping that coal in the palm of my hand, turning it as it scolded me again and again.
And here's the part that really got me.
This person was moving on with their life, with not a care in the world.
Meanwhile, I was stuck carrying the weight of this resentment.
So one day after venting about it again to my partner, he hit me with the question I wasn't ready for.
Do you actually want to move on?
or do you just want to continue to be mad?
Damn. Because deep down, I didn't want to carry this anymore.
I didn't want my day to be affected by something that had already happened, something I couldn't change.
So I decided to try something different.
I sat with the anger.
I really let myself feel it instead of shoving it away.
And then, I did a loving kindness meditation.
If you're not familiar, it's a practice where you send compassion, not just to yourself, but to the other person.
Sometimes, it's the person that hurt you.
A practice on repeat in my mental playlist. A hit, if you will.
The minute I felt resistance, I knew I did not want to do it.
But I stayed with it.
I reminded myself that this person wasn't some villain, they were my friend.
I thought that maybe they hadn't even realized how much it had hurt me, and little by little, the weight began to lift. So if you're holding on to resentment right now, try this.
Take a deep breath and ask yourself, is this anger protecting me, or is it keeping me stuck?
And, just for a moment, imagine that this feeling is an actual hot coal in your hand.
Feel the warmth, or even the heat, from it, noticing what it feels like in your body.
And now, set it down.
Does setting it down feel different?
If so, how? Take your time with this, just noticing how it feels.
So dear friends, just to be clear, holding on to resentment doesn't make what happened okay, it doesn't mean we forget or that we don't set boundaries, but it does mean that we give ourselves permission to move forward. We don't forgive for their sake.
We do it for our own peace.
And as for my friend, we did end up talking about it, and they did apologize, and we did move on.
And if you're looking for some support, check out the Holding Anger With Kindness meditation in the app.
Thanks for spending some time with me today.
Anyway, this week we're continuing to explore anger, how to express it in a healthy way, how to navigate frustration, and how to stop resentment from taking over.
Remember, you can find me on Instagram at RosiaCosta.
Send your thoughts, and I'll see you back here soon.
you
