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Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio.
Good morning.
This is Laura.
Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.
Today's tip is that appreciation helps. even when you can't.
In situations where work is unequally shared.
Acknowledging that and expressing sincere thanks can make everyone happier.
Long-term, it might be better to work out a different distribution of labor.
But more immediately, appreciation helps even if someone isn't helping as much as others.
So there has been a lot written and discussed about the division of household labor.
There are the obvious chores like cooking or cleaning, and many people do try to share those.
But then there is also the mental effort involved in knowing what's coming up, seeing what needs to be done, managing a schedule and social relationships and so forth.
For instance, if a couple has two kids... and each is invited to a birthday party on Saturday.
Each parent may take one kid.
It looks like they are evenly splitting this work.
But maybe only one.
Parent received the invitations, knew that these children were good friends of their kids, reworked the Saturday schedule so both parties could be attended, talked with each of the kids about what the birthday children would like and bought the presents, figured out wrapping and cards, filled out the waivers for the bouncy house places, made sure the other parent knew where to go and when and took the present and so forth.
There was the obvious work, but also a lot of invisible mental work.
A recent guest, Alison Daminger, studied how this mental work is split in various sorts of couples.
In many couples, as you might guess, it is not equal.
One could write whole books about why that is, and indeed, such books have been written.
But I was struck by something I'd read in Daminger's work, which is that expressing appreciation is often helpful, even in these unequal situations.
Acknowledging that work has been done and thanking the other person for doing it makes them feel happier about it and reduces resentment.
I think there is a lot of merit to this idea in all sorts of situations.
Let's say you have been traveling a lot for work and you know your partner has had to navigate a tough situation for a kid at school.
Simply saying, I really appreciate all the time and effort you are putting into this.
I know it is not easy and I see it and I see that you are doing most of it and I think you are doing a great job can be really helpful.
Or one could imagine a scenario at work too.
Maybe a colleague has really been putting in some effort to keep everyone on your team happy, even though she is not actually the manager.
She made sure there were birthday cakes and quietly stepped in to take on someone's extra work when she knew he had something big with his family in the evening.
Even if you are not in a position to take on a similar share of the mental effort of team building, you could say a sincere thank you.
I see what you are doing.
I think you're doing an amazing job.
I want you to know that I really appreciate it.
This acknowledgement and appreciation is free.
It is easy to do.
Certainly easier than actually learning the whole family schedule, for instance.
So why don't people do it?
I imagine sometimes it's that invisible labor is really invisible.
People take it for granted.
Or maybe they think it is the way of the world.
Perhaps some people believe that they deserve to have other people carrying a bigger share of mental load around them.
I don't know.
But I think that mindset is worth rethinking.
Carrying a bigger share of the mental load is often a big gift someone is giving someone else.
Acknowledging this is simply fair and good for any relationship.
And if you are the one carrying a bigger share of the mental load, you might actually ask for appreciation.
And I know that this can feel wrong, like, shouldn't people see it?
But if they don't, and you want the benefits of appreciation, you might try speaking up.
As in, I just want to point out that I managed the whole schedule while you were traveling for work.
You didn't even know that our babysitter had asked for the day off on Thursday.
I dealt with all of that.
I would appreciate if you would acknowledge that and thank me for it.
Now, that may or may not happen, but at least the other person now knows that there is a path to reduced resentment, if he or she is willing to take it.
In the meantime, this is Laura.
Thanks for listening.
And here's to making the most of our time.
Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast.
If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at laura at lauravandercam.com.
Before Breakfast is a production of iHeart Media.
For more podcasts from iHeart Media, please visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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