I can't be this girl.
I don't want to be the whore he's leaving her for.
That's my favorite Dr. Seuss book.
Caroline, what are you saying?
You were just letting me on this whole time?
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it, Ebby Le Pew.
And yes, I've been saving that one for after finals.
It is not just Caroline.
You've been chasing after her harder than a fat kid in a rolling donut contest.
That's true.
Wait, wait, Caroline.
Do we still have a shot or not?
No.
Man, better go hide in the bathroom.
I don't want this screwing up my marriage.
What?
If you're not going to be with me, I'm going to have to stay with my wife.
I mean, I'm a man.
I cannot be alone.
Now, go, go, go, go.
She cannot find you here in our apartment.
Why don't you just tell her the truth that nothing happened between us?
She will not believe me.
I have a history.
There are two of us here.
I also have that history.
Now go, please.
That's the least you can do after ruining my life.
Almost.
Almost ruined your life.
Come on, Max.
This is totally inconvenient.
My C better go up to a B. This is crazy.
Us hiding in a married man's bathroom like a couple of cheap floozies.
So far, I'm just hearing a factual depiction of what's happening here.
Let me see what's going on.
I can't understand them.
I thought she spoke French.
Only enough to impress Americans.
Oh, my God.
Les toilettes.
Les toilettes.
That's where we are.
She's coming in here.
What should we do?
Pretend we're hot plumbers?
Hide in the shower.
I think she might notice us.
You know that's all glass, right?
Let me just get you a clean hand towel.
She has to pee-pee.
She can't come in here to use the toilet, because my life is in it.
No, this is unfortunate.
So go out the window.
What?
It's not a problem.
There's a ledge wide enough for you to walk to the neighbor's terrace, jump, and get away.
Stephanie did it.
Who's Stephanie?
That's not important.
She's fine.
Now go.
You have to go.
Unless you think you and I still have a shot.
I'll be on the ledge.
No way.
Not happening, Lucy.
If he loses his bad marriage, I'm responsible.
Almost.
Almost responsible.
Max, I wouldn't even be in this situation if I wasn't working with him to put you through pastry school.
Oh, so this is my fault?
Max, please just let it be your fault.
It's completely doable.
By the way, it's raining.
Come on, we can do this.
We crawled 15 feet on our roof to get a legal table.
Yeah, for the Breaking Bad finale.
Something worth dying for.
Oh, my God.
Are you insane?
Get back in here.
Back, baby, you're right.
We should have taken the hot plumber route.
I'm coming back.
I can't believe we're out here all because of him.
I am such a bad judge of character.
Of course you are.
I'm your best friend.
In fact, I'm sorry.
This is bad.
Come on.
I don't want to die.
Me neither.
That's weird.
For the first time in my life, I don't want to die.
I have a boyfriend at my first beat.
Oh god, I'm getting soft.
I can't die.
I haven't made my comeback yet.
In my fantasy, you and I move into that penthouse I bought for Jennifer Lawrence.
Right over there was the roof garden.
See?
You two all right?
I mean, whoever you are.
Am I dead?
Almost.
Almost dead.
Don't look so smug, Chestnut.
You don't know how to ride a bike either.
Come on, Max.
Just out here in the alley.
Oh, hell no.
What?
She's been back here too.
Who?
Guinea Queer.
There's so much yarn bombing, it's like Craftganistan.
Let it go.
Stay focused.
Get on the bike.
No.
I don't want to eat apples out of the side of my face.
Come on.
Let me teach you.
Yep.
Want a tootsie?
You know I do.
I mean, you taught me how to be poor.
You're getting really good at it.
Come on, you know what they say about riding a bike?
It's like riding a bike!
See?
It's fun, see?
Wee!
Wee, wee, wee, wee, wee, wee!
You got a real pretty mouth, Caroline.
Can't wait to see it on the side of your face.
At least just get on the bike.
You don't even have to go anywhere yet.
Nope.
Want a tootsie?
You know I do.
Go.
What is this bar doing here?
I have no use for a bar.
That can't get me drunk.
OK, walk the bike over there and lean against the car to get your balance.
Just check and make sure there's no one around.
Why do you care?
The only people out here this late would be rapists, murderers, and freaks.
You know, your peeps.
What the?
Hey, girls.
Sophie?
What are you doing in that car alone?
Oh, a dark alley at 3 AM?
Has money gotten that tight?
Yes, but that's not why we're out here.
I'm teaching Max how to ride a bike, and it's pretty hard.
Yeah, I wish I had that problem.
I'm dancing with a rope in here.
We're trying some exotic new locales for our lovemaking.
It's exotic because this isn't even our car.
We better hurry before that rabbi comes back.
Maybe try barking at it again.
There was some movement earlier.
Come on, Caroline, teach me how to ride this thing.
I gotta get away from temple growth shalom as fast as possible.
Okay, I'm gonna get behind you and hold onto your seat.
Not without three Long Island iced teas and one your butt looks good in those jeans.
You with Tessie?
Yeah.
Max, don't look.
Yarn bombing?
Hey, Max.
Han.
I'm just riding my bike to the bike store to buy more bikes.
Is that Han or Lance Armstrong's runaway testicle?
Sorry, couldn't hear you.
I was too busy knowing how to ride a bike.
Damn it, now we've got to do this.
Do you know how quickly society will crumble around us if Han starts feeling like he can freely tease me?
Let's go.
You sure?
Yep.
Making fun of Han is one of my two free sources of entertainment.
The other one is located right above this bar.
Okay, I'll keep my hand on the seat, and then when you're ready, tell me and I'll let you go.
Okay, but don't let go until I say so.
Okay, let go.
I already did.
I'm riding a bike?
Max, look out!
Pothole!
There goes my other free source of entertainment.
Tootsie?
Yes, obviously!
People 10, pick up Max.
Yeah, be right there.
Like, you know, in a month.
Uh, Max, how you doing?
I heard about your badge accident.
Look, if you need to see a doctor, my cousin in Florida is a good one.
But then again, the bumpy bus ride might kill you.
No, no, it'll be fine, Earl.
I'm icing it.
I just have to keep it cold.
We're out of ginger ale.
I think you mean the ginger ale is out of use.
Max, let me get that for you.
I feel like it was kind of my fault.
Kind of?
Was Lincoln's death kind of John Wilkes Booth's fault?
Speak up, Caroline.
How'd it go with Sophie?
Were you able to do the thing you know the man does, while the woman makes shopping lists in her head?
Shh, come on.
I don't want anyone to know I can't get it up.
Ole can't get it up?
OMG.
Ole can't get it up.
Best week ever.
Everybody.
What's up?
That's your boyfriend.
If anyone needs me, I'll be outside riding my bike with an erection.
Andy, I'm sorry about your birthday.
It just went out of my head.
I feel bad.
And I feel sick.
Can you stop swinging the bed?
Sorry, I'm nervous.
Yeah, you're nervous a lot, which is why our other bed isn't moving at all.
No, no, no.
Don't go.
Come back.
Come back to the sex bed.
Let's get some sex going.
Come on.
We can get this bed moving now.
See?
See?
Hi.
Oh, hi.
Oh, it's your birthday.
It's your birthday.
It's tomorrow.
Okay, okay, I can do better, see?
Here we go now, here we go!
Wanna see me twerk it?
Oh, wanna see me twerk it?
If I had any food, I would throw up.
Okay, yeah, have a seat.
Let's have some bread.
Has it really been that long since we had sex?
Sweetie, after that dance, it's hard to believe you've ever had sex.
It hasn't been that long.
The shop opened on the 12th, so it's... What?
No, it's just interesting you had no problem remembering that date.
Let me ask you a question.
Where do you think you're going?
What do you mean?
I'm here.
No.
Where do you think you're going?
Like, where do you see your life in a year?
Well, pretty soon, Max and I will be out of this rough patch and full force with the business doing weddings and big events.
And then Max and I will probably open another store, get a bigger apartment.
OK.
And am I in there somewhere?
Oh, come on.
I was getting to you.
Were you?
When?
When were you getting to me?
After your business is a success?
No.
Now.
Come on.
Sex time in the sex bed.
Oh, look at this cage.
I think my mom used to dance in it.
Here they are.
These are the ones I had the guy hold for us.
Only $600 for all of them.
What do you think, Daddy?
I like them, doll.
Wrap them up.
And can Daddy get something he wants?
So cute, over the counter.
And that way, when I'm hungover and taking a nap, people can still find the cupcakes.
We can have Ruth clean it and then paint and reupholster these.
By the way, where is she?
She was supposed to be here an hour ago.
Text her and find out where she is.
Why are you so interested in where she is, what she's doing?
Are you obsessed with her?
Max, I don't want to make a purse out of her skin.
I just want her to do her job.
Never mind, I'll just text her.
Well, be careful.
Don't delete any of my penis with a hat pictures.
Even if I did, it's not a big deal.
Oleg will always pose again.
Yeah, but I'll never get that little pilgrim hat back.
Where are you?
We needed you here yesterday.
All in caps, because bosses talk in caps.
Total tool.
Look at that.
Text it right back, because I'm the boss.
She says yesterday was super hard, so she's not feeling great and she can't come in today.
That's it.
She's fired.
Here, you have to fire her.
She said she was sick, Condé Nasty.
She's not sick.
She's just taking advantage because you're too friendly with her.
She works for us.
Yeah, for free.
Why don't you just hollow her out and live inside of her, you monster?
Um, I don't think we were supposed to get this.
The dumb one wants me to pick up all this crappy furniture, right?
As if.
I'll be at the bar in 10, order me a Bellini?
Oh, who's the monster now?
She just called you the dumb one.
Uh, she called you the dumb one.
It's your phone, you're the dumb one.
She knows I don't talk in caps, so that's to you, you're the dumb one.
Fire her.
No, you fire her.
No, you fire her.
No, you hired her, you fire her.
I wanted to go with Molly Big Boobs.
She'd be here right now with four chairs on each boob.
Why can't you just fire her?
It's clear she called you the dumb one.
All right, fine.
I know she called me the dumb one, but I can't fire her.
I want to, but there's a block right here.
It comes up and then goes, nope, it goes right back down.
I am not supposed to fire someone.
I am the someone who's supposed to be fired.
So I guess I'm the boss then.
Sounds like a plan.
I'll be in my mom's cage.
All right.
Come on, you lowly worker.
Help the boss pull these chairs out.
Don't yell at me, boss.
I'm blocked.
Wish you had your enemas now, don't you?
They followed us!
We walked into a trap!
It's a vendetta!
Oh, I can't believe this!
Our intern's out having cocktails and I'm trapped on top of Rat Mountain!
He's coming at us!
My foot's got under this thing!
Max, that was amazing!
You just lifted that giant thing up with one hand!
I know!
And now I'm gonna fire that bitch!
Well, let's get to it.
My garbage ain't gonna find itself.
Max, I can't.
If I go in there, I will literally be white trash.
Look, you're the one who had to butt in and get all Wharton with Earl.
If you had left him alone, it would be at the post office, safe and sound.
Fine.
But to be clear, if we find a baby in there, you're raising it on your own.
Hey, it's already off to a better start than I had.
There's food everywhere.
Oh, hell no, it's Tuesday, trash pickup.
Better get in and out or we'll be on a garbage barge to Coney Island.
Come on, I'll give you 10 fingers.
My shoes.
My dignity.
My shoes.
My hands are touching a dumpster.
All right, on the count of three, I'll push you.
Hoist yourself up, but really pull yourself up or you won't make it.
It's hell, I'm looking into hell.
One, two, three.
I wanted to scream, but it wouldn't come out.
Okay, well, good luck.
See ya.
Max!
I'm kidding.
I'm coming around the back.
I found a place to get a leg up.
Now?
You just saw that now?
Why'd you scream?
You knew it was me.
That's the one I couldn't get out before.
God, look at this mess.
It's like looking for a dirty needle in a haystack, which I've done.
Okay, start poking around.
Look for familiar garbage.
Familiar garbage?
I hate it in here.
I want to die.
It's not that bad.
My mom and I once spent five hours in a dumpster looking for proof that her boyfriend was cheating on her, and all we found was a scratch-off worth 150 and a beach towel.
And then we used that $1.50 to take the towel to the laundromat.
Twelve years later, you and I used that very towel to dry ourselves off after a shower.
Well, I'm standing on a stranger's cold sesame noodles with eggshells stuck to my ankles.
You win, Max.
What does that have to do with me?
It means I'm officially standing in your purse.
How about more real garbage, less Caroline garbage?
Caroline garbage?
You've been dumping on me all day.
Me?
What have I done?
Max, you didn't file.
Ever?
I didn't say it like that.
And you didn't file ever.
Is that my fault?
Yes, this is all your fault.
Before I met you, I knew a thing about a future.
Now I have a future and I am standing in a dumpster.
You are not the only one standing in a dumpster.
And get a new purse.
If you had been able to find a stupid stamp in that horrid thing, I would have never even seen Earl's Taxes and I wouldn't be standing in a dumpster.
Max, no, no, no!
I will never ever recover from that.
Red Bulls?
Red Bulls?
Are those our Red Bulls?
Where?
Yes!
Yes!
That's my garbage!
That's my garbage!
Get over here!
If they find it, we'll have enough time to shower and get to the post office.
Girl sex is all sex!
I just heard those two rich moms trash talking your friend.
Tell her to stay clear of Brian's class.
Their husbands are silent partners in the gym and also in their marriages.
Wait, are you telling me I could lose my shower?
And your juice bar jobs.
Oh, right, that whole thing, too.
I gotta stop her.
Feel that nice, long stretch.
Can I help you?
Uh, someone reported a dangerous wet mess in here?
I don't see a wet mess.
Then you're not looking right here.
Go away.
You're interrupting my flow.
Good.
Now try and hold it.
That's right, Caroline.
Okay.
You feel that?
Let's get a nice big stretch.
That's big enough.
Miss, we're in the middle of a class.
And now let's all go into child's pose.
Max, you have got to get out of this class.
Those moms are looking at you like you put dressing on their salad and mixed it in.
Very good.
Your hips are remarkably open.
Thank you, Brian.
I can't lose that shower.
I finally found something to make me feel good that doesn't end in arowana.
Miss, you're stopping our flow.
That's exactly what I said, Brian.
YBBBB is a moving meditation, so move it on out of here.
Why you gotta BBBB so rude?
Namaste.
And you, namaste away from him.
Okay, just act like we belong in the VIP section.
I can't believe the limo driver took that wrong turn and that's why we're late to the game and thus our seats.
You forgot to mention that we took thus bus here.
The point is we made it.
I am back where I belong.
Can you just smell the money down here?
I think that's Gortok's ball sweat.
Hello ladies who magically appeared in the second quarter.
Can I see your tickets?
What?
These are my tickets to most places.
Our tickets?
Of course.
Let me just find them in here.
Here they are.
Oh, sorry about the popcorn.
I'm used to it.
You rich people are pigs.
Max, I haven't been called a rich pig in five years.
This is pretty cool.
I told that Chinese lady up top with a backpack full of loose carrots I'd be back, but I don't think so.
Oh my God, I should totally periscope this so people think we're big shots.
We are so close.
I could get my nose broken by a ball.
And I could meet the doctor who fixes your broken nose.
Everything is working out.
Oh, my God.
We are in the same row as Jay-Z and Beyonce.
And they brought Blue Ivy.
I can't believe I'm seeing our royal family.
I can't believe I'm touching the court with my feet.
Maybe I should just drag my butt across it like a dog.
Is that too far?
Oh, my God.
Beyoncé just made eye contact with me.
She sees me every time she looks to the left, to the left.
I should get them one of our flyers.
Luckily, I always keep an emergency flyer.
That and a key to my old house in case this all turns out to be a dream.
That's my dream, too.
Oh, here comes the nanny.
Fred Drescher's here?
No, Blue Ivy's nanny.
I'll get her our flyer.
Excuse me, miss, in the drop crotch sweatpants.
Miss, wait, can you take this?
Max, she took the flyer!
Max, what did you do?
I took you to a basketball game like an idiot.
And now I'm about to run.
Who's next?
I washed it out.
Nobody else throw up in this thing.
I mean it.
After I crush this, you want to come back to my dorm room?
I have a junior suite.
You're sweet, Junior.
But I have a boyfriend who could be your father.
He also could be my father.
I've never met the man.
Oh, buzzkill.
Three o'clock.
Just a minute, young man.
There is no underage drinking here.
This is college.
Hello?
Hello?
Oh, hi, Oleg.
I lost Sophie again.
She's like a sexy set of car keys.
Hey!
No random uncommitted sex here.
This is college.
I have a computer full of videos that says you're wrong.
Oleg, I can't talk now.
And I have my own problems.
I don't know where the RA is, so I've had to step up.
We're like the Marines of no funny business.
That better not be a joint.
Yeah, that's a doobie, brother.
Sophie won't even let me feed Barbara.
She says fathers aren't equipped for the job.
Well, she does have a point.
You don't have boobs.
Anyone ever tell you you're a real buzzkill?
I have to go.
I hear zippers unzipping.
Are you just on the phone with poison control?
Because I told you Steve's gonna be fine.
See?
Breathing, I think.
Now take off your top and shotgun a beer with me.
My speech is tomorrow.
And this top gets a lot of compliments.
I just want you to have fun at college for once.
Can you do that for me?
I do things for you all the time.
You remember when I told your date it was chestnut that farted?
Fine.
If I have one drink, will you roll Steve out of here and get everyone to leave?
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
Buzzkill!
That's a buzzkill now, bitches!
Corrupting dorks is meaningful work.
Who wants to see me pretend bang Steve again?
Do it for real!
Caroline, what are you doing?
You of all people should know you can't have a party here.
This is college.
Get off my back, narc.
Who's this?
My fiancé.
Guess we gotta make it even.
Oh my God, I love college Caroline so much more than all other Carolines!
I'm ready to go bowling.
You look like you're ready for a greaser to fill you up and make out points.
I've waited long enough to have a boyfriend.
I can learn to like anything.
I mean, it's not like it's bowling.
Oh my god, it's bowling.
Well, I loved it.
But I hung up my back brace after I bowled a 300.
I wanted to go out on top like Rob Schneider.
And from what I hear, apparently not you.
Bad girls.
Barbara's even dumber than I thought.
She had a play date with the baby next door.
And he can read.
Jimmy?
He's 37.
He's a little person and a tax attorney.
Oh, I did think it was odd that he lived alone.
We're taking Barbara bowling.
Between the flashing lights and the fist fights.
Nothing's more stimulating for a baby's brain than a bowling alley.
How about a book?
On bowling?
So this is the rest of our team.
Bernie Lynette.
There's Frank again, who's currently trying to drink a Sprite through a wrapped straw.
It's so cute how he doesn't know stuff.
And these are the bowling wives.
No offense, Wayne.
None taken.
I'm a pair of sensible earrings away from being my mother.
So this is the practice for the title game tomorrow night.
We win that, we get to go to the championships in Detroit.
We win that, we get to leave Detroit.
Oh, cool.
I still have to pick up my last check from Chrysler.
He was my pin.
Do the bowling wives have to go to that?
Get to come to that?
Sure, that'd be great.
This could be our thing.
You could be my bowling wife.
Before I say yes, is there any way the bar here serves white wine?
Well, this is what couples do for each other, right?
I'm sure your spouses support you in whatever's important to you.
Bernie missed my swearing in as a federal judge last week.
But he bowled a 180, so it was worth it.
Today's my birthday.
One year cancer free.
Lynette didn't even know I was sick.
Let's go, Frank.
Shake it for mama.
Those ten years in high school did nothing for him.
I'm up.
Good luck to you, Steph.
Let's go, Bobby!
Do a good job-y!
If Frank does a good job-y, I might just give him one.
B-O-B-B-Y!
I could be his alibi, because he's bowling.
He's bowling.
You want to cut that out?
We want them to lose.
If they win tomorrow, the season goes on for two more months.
Haven't we already been here two months?
The foot spray plays games with your mind.
