The LinkedIn Podcast Network is sponsored by SAP.
Harness the power of AI across your business and achieve results that are relevant, reliable and responsible with SAP Business AI.
Revolutionary technology, real -world results.
That's SAP Business AI.
Your status exists only in other people's minds.
You only have as much as other people think you do, yet the consequences of your status, which exists only in other people's minds, are very real and very far -reaching, impacting everything from physical to mental health.
So understanding what it is and how it impacts our lives and how we can influence our status, even when we have situations where we might feel or be low status initially, is really, really important to do because it's critical not just to being able to get what you want in a negotiation, advance in your
career, but also being able to live the life you want to live.
Hey, I'm Kwame Christian and you are about to step into the world of Negotiate Anything, the number one negotiation podcast in the world where we teach you how to make difficult conversations easier while getting more of what you want in the process.
Each episode is packed with practical tips and strategies from the experts.
We delve into negotiation, conflict resolution and leadership skills that are crucial in both business and in life.
Whether you're closing a deal, managing a team or navigating personal relationships, Negotiate Anything provides you with the tools you need to succeed.
Our conversations are real, relatable and most importantly, rooted in practicality.
So if you're ready to transform your conversations and elevate your negotiation skills, join me on Negotiate Anything.
Subscribe and listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever you love to listen.
Let's make every conversation a winning negotiation.
Alison, welcome back, my friend.
So fun to be back. Super Cool.
We are very excited to have you back.
So how would you get it started by telling us a little bit about yourself and what you do?
What I do. So I am a professor at the University of North Carolina.
This is my 20 year anniversary.
I've been doing this for 20 years.
I always say it was not my childhood dream.
Started out as a management consultant, got me really interested in the psychology of people and trying to think about moving people who did not want to be moved, become a professor, a organizational psychologist at UNC, been there for 20 years and do a lot of work talking to people about negotiation but more
fundamentally thinking just about how to be a good, strong advocate for yourself as a tool for living the life that you want and building the career that you want.
A lot of the work that I do now is specifically oriented to women using behavioral science to help women advance.
As you know, none of the advice I talk about is only relevant to women, but it's just an audience that I care about very deeply.
And since we last saw each other, I now have a book coming out and like a little badass, how women get the success they deserve, which focuses on status and power and thinking about how those things relate to being a good, strong advocate for yourself.
It's all been really good.
Incredible. And listeners, if you've listened to any of our episodes, the introduction you just received, exactly why I want Alison on the show.
This is great. And also, before we get into the meat of the episode, make sure to shout out the sub stack too.
I do. So I have a sub stack, it's called the Upper Hand.
Again, focused on behavioral science for women's advancement and free to subscribe.
I've started it in 2024 after doing the things you do, being on social and I'm really loving it.
It's been great. So anyone who wants to come join me, say women, allies, anyone who's thinking about behavioral science to live their best life, all welcome.
Well, there are so many things that we could talk about, Alison.
And of course, listeners, we'll make sure to put a link to Alison's first episode in the description as well.
So you can check that out.
But today we're gonna focus on status.
What is status and what does it mean for us as it relates to negotiation and difficult conversations?
So I think what would be great to do is just start off with an operational definition, because the way that we're thinking about status in this episode is gonna be different from just common parlance.
That's right. So status, the way psychologists talk about it is how respected and highly regarded we are by other people.
And if you look it up in the dictionary, you will get that as one of the meanings.
So it's not that psychologists have simply made this up.
That's one of the meanings, but there are other common uses of that term in everyday discourse that are different than the way we talk about psychology.
So status, every time you hear me say that word in our conversation is how much respect and regard we have from other people.
And what makes status really fascinating to me and why it's been part of the things I've studied for 20 years is your status exists only in other people's minds.
You only have as much as other people think you do, yet the consequences of your status, which exists only in other people's minds, are very real and very far -reaching, impacting everything from physical to mental health.
So understanding what it is and how it impacts our lives and how we can influence our status, even when we have situations where we might feel or be low status initially, is really, really important to do because it's critical not just to being able to get what you want in a negotiation and advance
in your career, but also being able to live the life you wanna live.
A great, very well said.
It's almost as if you've been studying this your whole life and wrote a book on it.
I don't know. Maybe I'm just making that up.
But yes, that was exceptional.
And I really wanna paint in this picture before we get into this because I have to concede.
I have a degree in psychology.
I've studied negotiation all my professional life.
And status was a concept that was foreign to me until last year.
And once I started to appreciate it, I recognized just how much of an oversight that is in the negotiation and persuasion space.
And now I want you to really paint a picture for the audience when it comes to negotiation and difficult conversations.
What are the risks of not fully understanding and appreciating the psychology of status?
So as a start, when you say it was a new concept to you, this is one of the reasons that I wanted to write this book and it is just as a funny story, as a process.
I wanted to call this book likeable badass, which is the first part, but how women win the status game.
And my editor said, you cannot call it that.
I said, why? I said, because no one knows what status is, which is why you need to write the book.
And it turns out it's a bad idea to put things on the title where no one knows what they are because then people don't pick it up or they pick it up with different expectations than what they get.
And it was this irony of the reason I was writing it was the same reason I couldn't call it what it was because I had to get them into the book so I could teach them what it was.
So book number two will have something about status in it because then everyone will know.
But what you're pointing out is something that I've confronted a lot.
And even I, as a person who studied it, so to your question about what are the consequences of not understanding status in a negotiation, I've taught negotiation for every bit of the 20 years I've been an academic, and we think about negotiating often to get more resources.
And resources are essentially power, right?
When you get paid more, when you get promoted, when you get the price, the discount, you're getting power.
And we give people a lot of very evidence -based tools to be good negotiators.
But here's the truth, which is if you are in a negotiation and the person you are talking to does not respect you and does not value you, there are very few tools that you can pick up in my class or on this podcast that are gonna help.
And so thinking about status as fundamental to getting what we want, because when a person calls you and they want something from you, if that is a person that you think highly of and you respect, it almost doesn't matter what they're asking for, and they don't need any fancy negotiation tool or strategy
to be able to get it.
They ask, it's in your power to do it, you're much more likely to do it.
So this was a mistake that even I as a negotiation educator was always jumping to the techniques.
You have a conversation tomorrow, here are the things you can do.
And those things are important and there's a lot of science behind them, right?
So good negotiation tools and strategies will help us advocate for ourselves effectively and get what we want.
But I always start talking about those as our short game strategies.
Those are the things that you can do in the moment, but what are the things that we can be doing six months before that conversation, a year before that conversation, to set ourselves up for being a person that's respected and valued.
So when we get to these conversations, we are already starting from a basis of strength.
And so I want people to be able to be strong in both.
And for too long, I, and I think other people too, had started with only the short game without saying, but wait a second, how do we start building these relationships from the very second you meet a person to say, here's the value I add, I want you to be able to see it and appreciate it.
And when you do that, that's you acknowledging my status, and that is going to set me up for success in any ask as much as any particular tool or technique.
I agree 100%. And I don't know about you, but if we were given two options, if we could say in option A, you have every single negotiation skill and strategy at your disposal, but zero status, and option B, you have all of the status in the world and no negotiation skills or strategies, I would choose
option B all the time.
Because if I have all the status, I don't need as many skills and strategies.
That's right, once people value you, they are excited to give you what you want, 100%.
So I love what we have done with bringing negotiation science into everyday practitioner understanding over the 20 years that I've been privileged to be in that space.
We have done a tremendous service for people.
You've done a tremendous service for people, but I wanna now do the same thing with thinking about this other thing that feels harder to control because the negotiation tactics feel more manageable because you want me to move first?
Okay, I can do that.
I have full control over whether I do that, but now my status lives in your head, and now that's why I'm fascinated by it as a psychologist, but it's also why it can feel daunting for people if I don't control what's in your head, and the truth is, I don't, but I can influence it.
And so I have a, just like in a negotiation, you cannot force another person to do something they have no intention of doing, but you can influence them to make it more likely to say if they're movable, I know how to move them.
Same thing with status.
You get to think about me what you want, but your thoughts aren't random.
So what we understand from psychology is that your judgments about how much you respect me are based on two things, and if I can start to influence those two things, I can influence how you see me, and those two things are what I refer to as assertiveness, but you could think about it as one's capabilities.
It's one dimension of person perception.
It's basically, are you good against stuff done?
So that's gonna be, are you competent, but also, are you organized?
Are you persistent?
Are you decisive? Do you have presence?
All those things, they matter, because they say if I give you a task, are you gonna execute it well?
We respect people when we can give them things and they can do them well.
And then the other dimension is, do you care about people other than yourself?
Are you sincere? Are you helpful?
Are you honest? Are you giving?
Are you likeable? All of those things matter.
That's a dimension of warmth.
And so those two dimensions in psychology are foundational to how we perceive people.
And when we see somebody is very capable and we see them as very caring, that is a winning combination for respect.
And so if I say to you, let's do it in reverse, Kwame, give me a person you respect and you think of a person, then and I ask you how capable and how caring, you're gonna give them high marks on both because that's how we get there.
So we can start to influence how we show up on those two dimensions.
When we do that, we are influencing the respect that other people give us.
So what I try to help people understand is we cannot control what's in other people's heads, but if we understand the science of how those decisions are made, it starts to feel not idiosyncratic, but okay, now I understand when I show up in this way or I do this thing, I either tend to get more respect
or less respect from a particular person or my audience.
Hello, my friends. Before we get back to today's episode, I wanna ask you a question.
Have you ever wondered how to elevate your team's negotiation game and how you can help the folks on your team have better, difficult conversations?
At the American Negotiation Institute, we offer transformative keynotes and workshops tailored to empower professionals with top tier negotiation and conflict resolution skills.
Whether it's a keynote for your next event or hands -on training for your team, we've got you covered.
Don't just negotiate, master the art with the American Negotiation Institute.
Click the link in the description to find out more.
Elevate, negotiate, and succeed.
This is incredible.
And I think a lot of light bulbs are going off too because there might be times where we feel as though we've made, we might've had the facts and the substance and the logic, credibility and everything in our favor, but for some reason, we still weren't able to connect.
And of course, people have their interest that there might be some kind of hidden agenda, and we understand incentives drive behaviors, and maybe those things just aren't aligned.
But I think this is ultimately empowering, even though it's not 100 % within our control, but it gives us another dimension through which we can analyze the situations and recognize, hey, this might be a hidden element of persuasion that might've been missing for us.
And it also helps us to recognize that, just like with any form of preparation, a lot of times, the mistake we make is that we start preparing too late.
And so even if we're preparing strategically through the lens of negotiation as it relates to getting our baton in order, preparing just in terms of strategically what are we gonna do in saying the negotiation, we still might not have begun the preparation process early enough as it relates to the psychology
of status. And so let's say somebody is saying, okay, this is a new concept to me.
How do I start to elevate my status in the eyes of other people?
What would be a good road back for them?
Absolutely. So this is what I talk to people about.
So I say, everything that people know about you, so I'll use you, Kwame, as an example.
Everything that people know about you comes from one of two places, things that you have put out into the world yourself, I'll call that your self -promotion or maybe just your self -presentation, things that originate with you.
That's every word you've ever said on a podcast.
It's every social media post.
It's what's on your website.
It's what it's like to sit next to you on the airplane or at dinner, whatever it is.
You put out all this information into the world, whether you intend to or not.
And from that, people draw conclusions.
The other source is things other people say about you, often when you are not around, okay?
So as we were sitting here, like pre -show, getting ready to catch up.
Tired of AI hype without results?
SAP Business AI isn't just talk.
It's embedded across SAP solutions driving immediate impact for your organization.
From JUUL, your digital assistant, to AI -powered capabilities throughout the SAP portfolio, SAP Business AI helps you make confident decisions based on your own data, all while maintaining the highest security and privacy standards for growth -focused businesses.
Revolutionary technology, real -world results.
That's SAP Business AI.
Are you a mid -market enterprise navigating today's evolving business landscape?
LinkedIn and HP understand the unique challenges you face, which is why HP sponsored LinkedIn's just -released 2024 Mid -Market Enterprise Economy Report.
The research dives into AI adoption, hybrid and remote work, and keeping human connections strong while embracing new tech.
Ready to optimize your business?
Download the report now at reinvent .hp .com slash 2024 Business Report.
Jeff, we chatted about a bunch of people we know in common, right, how are they doing, how are they doing, right?
So, okay, I got a story, here's what someone else is doing that's really neat, whatever, and that's another source of information.
So once you start to think about the idea that what people know about me comes from these two channels, what I help people think about is let's start to control what's in the two channels.
So the first one is the information I put out there into the world about myself.
I always say to people at every moment when you're interacting with somebody, like, what's the thing that I can do that will help me show up as both as capable and assertive and also as warm and other -oriented, and to think about tweaking my behavior.
So sometimes it's not doing things that might be our first instinct.
So I'll give you a very specific example.
I was recently, as a speaker, you'll probably resonate with us.
I went to a large conference, I was speaking, I was speaking on two different topics at the conference.
I had two different sets of slides.
The organizers of the event, particularly the lead organizer, sent me an email, will you please send me your slides?
Perfectly reasonable request, yes I do.
I sent both slide decks, slide deck A and slide deck B.
I wake up in the morning, I go present in the morning on topic A, they show the slides.
There's a several hour delay before I'm gonna talk on topic B.
And in that delay, I get an email from a different member of the organizing team who was not on the original email.
Can you please send me the slides for session B?
It was not accusatory, it was not, you're late.
But my first reaction, and I think this is very much how people have it in negotiation, was to be so like, but I just want you to know that I already did send the slides on session B to your colleague yesterday because I just didn't want my competence, my capability at all to be in question.
And there was a draft of this email that I started to write in my head, which was, I sent them to your colleague yesterday, but here they are again.
And I realized in this moment, because I think about these things a lot, that my capability was not being attacked.
And I didn't, to your point of always saying like, I always wanna have the right answers and do this.
I say, I'm already showing up as quite capable.
I just had a great session this morning.
I did my job, there's nobody around here questioning whether I can do what I can do.
I don't need to point out simply for the sake of being right, that I had already sent the slides.
It wasn't under in dispute.
I just said, here they are exclamation point and sent them along.
I had to take a pause in that moment to recognize there's just a story I was telling up.
I was putting something out there about myself.
Was it gonna destroy the relationship?
Probably not, but was I taking an action that might have maybe seen as less warm because I was essentially saying, you're disorganized, right?
You're asking me twice for the same thing, even though it was put in a different way, for no possible benefit.
And so we start to analyze small things of how you show up and say, okay, how am I presenting myself here?
Is there a way that I could think about which of these dimensions do I really need to showcase at this moment?
Do I need to showcase them equally?
Or is one really much already kind of in hand that I really need to focus on an opportunity to do the other, to try to think about those.
And so I help people think about things that take out of your stories, things we say, like this is a small example that say that might not serve you well, things to put in your stories, and then also how to think about how to get other people to say good things about you because that's a huge way in which Stannis is built.
So you have this happen, I'm sure, all the time in your world, right?
You have this big platform.
A lot of people get introduced to you by people you've already now.
And when someone says, right, call me, this is the next person you must have on your podcast.
And the person that is saying that as someone you value, you're much more curious about what that person has to say because they'd come to you, that's other promotion.
And so that person that's, who knows what they were doing, playing around a golf, taking a nap, off doing their work, and now all of a sudden their status has been built in your eyes because of that intermediate party.
I try to help people think about how can we start to affect the way we show up so we get more of those people doing more of that while we sleep?
Oh, this is so good.
So I think, let me try to give a quick synopsis.
You tell me if this is landing.
Because essentially, in order for us to begin to even play the status game, we need to overcome the egocentrism that causes us to see things only from our perspective.
And so we focus exclusively on ourselves and not how other people are perceiving what it is that we're doing or saying.
And if we start to give that a little bit more thought, then we can start to make maneuvers, do and say things that are more likely to resonate for other people.
That's the first part.
How am I landing on that?
That's 100 % correct.
So status, it exists in other people's minds, so I need to understand how they typically make the judgments and then work backwards to say, okay, if people respect me when they see me as capable and caring, now I'm in this moment right now, I'm in front of this person, I'm emailing this person, whatever
it is, what can I do?
On the margin, I always say, start with just being your awesome self and then think about how you could make a little tweak.
This is not overhauling who you are because you're a person that is worthy of respect, but it's about saying, how do I showcase that?
So start with what you do, think about a tweak that's going to hit your audience and is you being maximally capable and caring.
Oh, I love that. And then the next thing is when you do this well, you create these unpaid, eager surrogates for you that go around the world and promote your message.
That's right and that builds your status because when we have to promote ourselves, it's always gonna feel some version of uncomfortable, even though we can do it artfully and there's lots of different ways to do it.
But what other people are essentially saying to the world, Alison, Kwame, these are people worthy of respect, you really need to know them, that's a win -win.
I mean, if we talk about, that's a term we like to talk about negotiation, that is a win -win.
When other people are saying great things about you, one, it's super efficient because if there are 8 billion people in the world, you are just not gonna know them all.
But I always say, if you have 2000 people who sing your praises to 2000 people, who sing your praises to 2000 people, that's 8 billion, right?
I can find 2000 people, right?
And then if all I can get them to do is tell one other person and then they tell one other person, boom, 8 billion people, right?
We're a household name.
So that idea of how can you influence that?
And that part is another thing that we can control in our status.
And I always say, there's three things you gotta do to do that.
One, people need to know who you are.
Because if someone does not know you exist, that person cannot build your status to other people.
So when we start to think about networking, which is something every human being has been told to do, but as you build the base of people who know you exist, you set the stage for them to possibly build your status with other people.
The second thing is, they themselves need to respect you.
So you do have to do some of the work yourself and think about how do they see me as a person of value?
And then the third one, which is back to inner space of negotiation, I always say it's not just for houses, cars, and salaries.
It's a toolkit for advocating for yourself and getting what you want.
And one of the big mistakes I see people make in negotiation is not realizing that all these other asks that benefit them are negotiations too.
So everybody, particularly women, if you've been told you should negotiate for more comp, 100%, have you been told that you should negotiate for how your fan club talks about you?
Maybe not. So one way to get other people to promote us, they need to know we exist.
They need to see us as a person of value.
They respect us. And they need to be motivated to pick up the microphone because there's a lot of people that you think positively about, and I think positively about, but when I say when's the last time you said something good about that person to someone else, for some people, you'd say, I don't know.
And it's not because I don't care about them and it's not because they're not great, but how do we get the last step?
And one of the tools that I talk about is, among others, is ask them, right?
People who think, if you already built your status with one person and you say, I want you to help me build my status with another person, you don't have to say it that way, but here's what I could really use from you.
I'm doing really great work and I'm not sure that person over there knows it.
Would you be willing to tell them about the great work I'm doing and the impact it's having?
And that's a negotiation.
Every bit as much as trying to get more money.
And when you say those things to people who do value you, they are tripping over themselves to say yes, because they are happy to help you and you've given them a very easy thing to do.
It's not hard for me to go say something I truly believe that's positive to another person and that that's gonna make you happy and that's gonna endear us.
Of course I'll do that.
So thinking about that as an ask in a negotiation, which is I'm doing some great stuff.
I'm not sure other people know about it or appreciate it.
Could you help me? They really respect you.
Your words will mean a great deal.
Could you do that? And I've taken that on myself as I've started to think about understanding status and the importance of building it as something I do when I teach negotiation.
So I always think, and I'm sure you think this way too, if I won't do it, I certainly can't teach anybody else or expect them to do it.
So I really do believe you gotta walk the walk when you do this stuff.
And I do it and not a single person has ever said no because you wanna help people that you care about.
So thinking about negotiating how your fan club talks about you I think is a powerful way to think about a negotiation frame on building stuff.
This is great. And it's so funny because as soon as you said it, I was like, duh.
But for me, I love this saying, the sign of a brilliant insight is that it's obvious in hindsight, because it is so true.
And still we don't do these things.
And it's not a big ask cause you're not saying, hey, I want you to deliver some tangible piece of value for me.
I'm saying, hey, this is just intangible.
You see that person over there?
I'm just trying to get on their radar.
Can you just say, hey, this person is pretty solid.
Check them out. That's it.
It's like a little whisper campaign, right?
But it can do so much.
And you're absolutely right too.
Cause when you think about persuasion, negotiation and everything, one thing that we often forget about is just efficiency.
And so we often take the path of most resistance.
And when you thought about, hey, if somebody gives a good word, if that person who's giving the good word has enough status and respect in that situation, that could be all you need.
Because every day we get like five to 10 pitches from different people who want to be on the podcast.
And what I tell my team is the answer is no unless they're exceptional for everybody, right?
But if somebody like you or Scott or Julia that we talked about, if they say, hey, you should have this person on the podcast, I don't do any research.
I say, yes, of course I trust you.
And the answer is yes.
So I really like this because now we're talking about how we can actually operationalize this and negotiate for status.
This is powerful. And we'll think, and this is how it has felt to me to do it and to the point to educate people about this is absolutely, we are doing bits of this every single one of us all the time.
But what people often lack is their awareness.
Some people are great at it.
Some people need some more coaching, but we often lack the conscious awareness of the relationship between, I just did X and I got outcome Y.
Oh, let me bottle that and let me try that again.
So what I try to do is not giving people tools that they didn't know exist, but to put a name on it and say, sometimes you've done this.
Think about the consequences.
Let's do more. So I'll offer you another one in this space because I know you and I both care very deeply and believe in negotiation, right?
Of this idea of reciprocity and you have to be giving and getting.
So asking somebody to promote you is generally very effective because people want to know what makes you happy.
And if you tell them X will make me happy, then they know that if they do X, they're getting credit in your eyes.
They're much more likely to do it.
But the other way to do it is just to put the good out there first.
So I have a rule that I live by, which is that anytime a positive thought enters my head about somebody else, I do not let it die there.
I either tell them so I give them positive feedback or I try to find an opportunity to tell somebody else.
So whether that's an email complimenting them or to tell a friend the next time I see somebody because what I'm doing is I am being an other promoter without being asked for the people who I think have sadness in my eyes.
Now that's a safe thing to do.
No one ever resists me on that because that's just putting more good out into the world about what people are doing.
But here's the part that is, it's very authentic.
I never say anything I don't think is true.
But what's strategic is the idea that I say that I could just think it and let it go.
But I know that saying it is strategic.
It's authentic because it's a good way to be a human.
But the strategic piece is that I know and you know that reciprocity is one of the strongest governing rules of relationships and people do for you what you've done for them.
When you go through a double set of doors in a building and you hold the door open for a stranger, 100 % of the time that stranger will go to the next door and hold it open for you, right?
So this idea of when I promote you and I say, Kwame is amazing and then you hear about it because eventually you will, you are much more likely to promote me in turn.
So one of the other ways to approach the same goal building our status through these third parties who tell our story is simply to just start telling other people's stories.
And that doesn't require as much courage or vulnerability as it does to ask another person.
And so when I have somebody who's very, has a very hard time advocating for themselves, I will always start with just put more good out into the world about what other people are doing because that will also come back to you because people tend to reciprocate by doing the thing for you that you did
for them. You buy someone's lunch this time and they're always like, I'm getting the next one.
They don't have to reciprocate like for like, but that's how we often think about it.
So my other promotion to you, about you, is more likely to engender your other promotion to me.
And so that's where I think strategy and authenticity can come together in these really powerful ways that you can say things you truly believe that are positive and generous into the world.
And you also know that because of how human beings are wired, some of that is likely to come back to you in ways that really are gonna build your status as well.
Incredible. And Alison, I could talk to you about this forever.
But before we wrap up, I wanna focus in on one thing that you've touched on, but I wanna give you some time to discuss it explicitly, which is authenticity.
Because there might be some people who listen and they say, okay, well, if I'm constantly focusing on the perception that other people have of me, then I might start shape -shifting in ways that are unnatural.
So how do you manage your status in a strategic way while at the same time being true to yourself and authentic?
Absolutely. So this advice that we've often been told to not care about what other people think about us, and I think every parent says that, and my parents said it, and I repeat it.
It's genuinely terrible advice, but it's well -intentioned terrible advice.
I mean, it is ludicrous to think that what people think about us doesn't matter.
It happens whether you can get the deal, get the job, get the friend, get the date, whatever it is.
What people think about us matters a great deal.
But there's a difference between simply sitting and ruminating or allowing their opinions to define us versus to say a sense of control that says, I can influence the way people see me.
And what I'm really going for is to get people to see me as I really am.
So I don't know if it has come up in anybody's, talked about it on your podcast so far, but there's a Bob Cialdini who we know has, you know, done a tremendous amount of work in influence and psychology, gave a great analogy and I think is useful here.
He talks about bunglers, smugglers, and sluts, because this idea of, if we teach people negotiation skills, I mean, you could say the same thing.
If I'm teaching you to be a really great negotiator, am I teaching you to manipulate other people?
Am I, is it a bad thing I'm doing?
And he says, well, there's three kinds of people in the world.
Bunglers are people who have no idea what they're doing, and so they can't influence anybody to save their life.
Smogglers are people who are very skilled and they use their negotiation skills or their influence skills for bad ends.
And sluts are people who are very skilled, but they use it for noble ends.
So if I understand, right, that giving my kids three choices of what vegetable they're gonna eat is gonna make them more likely to eat a vegetable, I would put that under being a slut because I truly believe that eating the vegetable is a good thing for them to do.
I'm not trying to put them and do something they don't wanna do.
So thinking about managing your status as being a slut, right, that I'm not asking people to be seen as something other than what they absolutely are, which is a person who puts good out into the world and cares about other people.
But that's not always obvious to people.
And so what you're trying to do is to say, I want you to see me as I really am.
And that's authentic.
The second piece of authenticity and is why I'm always getting deep in these conversations into the science behind it is that when we give people tools, do this and don't do that, and we don't explain the why, then we might give them a tool that doesn't work for them.
And then they're left in a pinch to say, well, I've been told that this is a good thing to do, but it doesn't feel authentic to me.
I don't like it. And when I like explaining the science, I always say there is another way, the non -negotiable when it comes to status is the more you show up as capable and caring to the world, the more people will value you and the better that will be for your ability to get what you want.
And getting what you want is not just a selfish thing.
It gives you resources to put more good out into the world.
That's non -negotiable.
But how do you show up as capable and caring?
There are infinite ways.
And so what I help people think about is what's your authentic way?
And then I always say, start with what you naturally do and what you're good at and what you like to do.
And then think about where there's a tweak, whether it's, I need to apologize less.
I need to compliment more.
I need to make more introductions.
I need to think less about telling people I'm right when no one said I was wrong, whatever it is.
How could I tweak something on the margin that allows me to show up that way?
And that's where I think the magic is.
You might have to have a momentary piece of discomfort, but never to the part of being a smuggler, in Cialdini's terms.
If it feels icky, I always say, do not do it.
There is another way.
So good. Professor, I feel like I'm back in school with all the notes that I've taken in this spot in this interview.
Alison, masterclass as always.
And hypothetically, if there was somebody who wanted to perhaps read a book or subscribe to a newsletter on such topics as these, do you have any suggestions for them?
Well, great question.
I would suggest going to my website.
That is the one -stop shop for all the things that I am doing.
So alisonforgal .com.
My speaking work, the book is there.
The link to sign up for the newsletter is there.
The links to follow me on social are there.
The link to reach out to me directly is there.
Alisonforgal .com. Amazing.
Alison, thank you so much for joining us.
Really appreciate it.
You're the best. Yeah, amazing, thank you.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Now, before you sign off, I have something to tell you that I've never told you before.
Just kidding, I've told you before, but you should listen to it again.
I want you to know about Negotiate Anything Premium.
Imagine all of the things that you love about our traditional feed plus so much more.
I know you like our traditional feed because you're at the end of the episode.
And with Negotiate Anything Premium, you'll get more bonus content you've been asking for, more of the expert insights that you can't get anywhere else and more exclusive behind the scenes access into every conversation.
Are you ready to get more of what you want out of your life, career, and every conversation?
With Negotiate Anything Premium, you'll have access to more high -level, custom -designed content and insights, giving you the tools you need to negotiate higher salaries, better deals, and better relationships in your life and career.
Once I had a listener share that Negotiate Anything helped her to negotiate a $53 ,000 raise.
Could this be you? What would that mean for your life?
I've seen firsthand the impact this model has had on my life and the lives of my corporate clients.
And I am confident that it can do the same for you.
Are you ready to negotiate more of the best things in life?
Click the link in the show notes to learn more.
I'll catch you later.
