These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
Okay, I think I'm going to say something a little bit controversial because it might not be true.
What I'm going to say has to do with projection.
And how we or people can say things that aren't true about you, but are true about them.
And I've seen this many times, especially in abusive relationships, where and this is a good example, because somebody wrote to me recently and asked this question about their partner calling them a cheater
And when you're not a cheater and you hear this, all you want to do is defend yourself and explain and bring up the evidence that you're not a cheater, and you're always available and here's my phone and try to prove that I am a cheater, but you're not saying that.
You're basically in explaining mode.
You're trying to convince them that you're not who they say you are.
And so you are in this ridiculous conversation with somebody who is calling you something that you're not, or telling you that you're doing something that you're not.
And it's pointless because you know it's not true.
And now you're spending all your time trying to convince them that it isn't true.
Remember how I started this episode?
Somebody calls you or tells you what you're doing, but it's really just projection on what they're doing or about what they're doing.
This is something we have to be careful about because, you know, maybe I'm wrong.
But here's how I think about it is when somebody said, let's use the cheating example.
When somebody says you're a cheater, first of all, why are they sticking around?
If they know you're a cheater, why are they sticking around?
So that's kind of suspicious to me.
I know people might say, well, the relationship's worth keeping.
And I understand.
Yeah, that's all there.
But think about all these components of what's happening.
Why are they sticking around is my first question.
My second question is, why would they approach you that way?
Let's just say that you suspected somebody that you, you know your partner, your spouse, whatever somebody that you're with of cheating.
Would you just say, oh my God, they're cheating, and then approach them and say you're cheating on me.
Or would you try to build up the evidence, try to figure it out, try to even second guess yourself, give them the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe do a little snooping and You know all of it.
To me, this is what most people would do.
All of that would be more, more covert.
And it makes more sense that you would be covert, because you're probably not too thrilled about going to somebody that you've loved and cared about all this time and say you know, saying something like you're cheating, you're a cheater, you're a liar.
So that brings up suspicion too, that approach.
When somebody just approaches you and say, you're this, you're that.
So that, along with the last thing I just said of, why are they still with you?
Like, why would somebody stick with you if they knew for a fact that you were a cheater?
Now that does happen.
People do stay with people who they know are cheating, because That's typically again abusive or emotionally abusive relationships.
But in general the person being cheated on doesn't get angry and say you're a cheater and put the other person on the defense.
That's the third part of this is that somebody is putting you on the defense.
They're aggressive.
They're assertive, aggressive.
They are very forward.
You this, you that pointing their finger.
And you feel like you have no choice but to defend yourself because you know it's not true.
And so that's why I come back and say that the person who is accusing in such a way is probably the person doing in that way.
And again, I might be wrong.
I don't want you to just assume that that's what's happening.
If that's happening in your life somewhere with someone that you care about.
I don't want you to think that, oh, that's what's happening.
Okay, now I'll just treat it that way, which changes things.
However, I would keep in mind that I'm probably right.
I might be wrong in some circumstances, but if you think I'm probably right, then it's worth thinking about.
It's worth reflecting on.
Reflecting upon, because when you have somebody that is supposed to love you and care about you, they usually don't go around pointing the finger at you unless they want to keep the finger from being pointed at them.
So I've seen this forward aggressive energy.
It's not really assertive.
Assertive is a positive thing.
Aggressive energy that is used many times so the person will get what they want, and so that the other person feels intimidated, so that there's no argument, because if all that forward aggressive energy is coming at you, what do you want to do about that when it happens?
You want to defend yourself, you want to explain yourself.
This is what most people do.
They try to explain.
No, that's not true at all.
This is why and i can prove it and if you're too busy explaining and defending yourself, then you're also too busy to analyze their behaviors or think about talking about their behaviors, because they seem so upset that they must believe it's true.
And so we can convince ourselves that they must believe it's true.
And because we care about these people.
This is what usually happens.
We care about the person accusing us.
Then we will try to explain to them.
No, that's not true.
I love you and I would never do that to you.
But where is all this forward energy coming from?
Is it covering guilt?
Is it hiding something else?
Because it's really strange to be so overt about something that you don't want to be true in the relationship.
As opposed to a relationship where there really is infidelity and the person who feels like they're being cheated on, who doesn't want it to be true, is trying to prove either way if it is or it isn't.
They are looking at maybe phone records.
They are following them, the other person, to a certain place that they said they were going to.
Maybe that's not you.
That's what I would do.
If I had suspicions that my wife was cheating, I wouldn't just say, you're a cheater.
You stupid, you, I can't believe you did that to me.
I wouldn't put all that forward, aggressive energy toward her, because I don't want it to be true and I'm hoping it's not.
But let's, okay, let's just say I found out that she absolutely was.
Let's just say that she was cheating on me.
How would I treat that?
I might be angry, sure.
Sure.
But would I just point my finger and say, you're a bad person, you're a cheater, I can't trust you?
I might say those things, but they would accompany other things, like me packing my bag for the night, or
Um, wanting to know more, when did it start?
And this is the evidence I have.
Ah, there's something missing from the other person, isn't it?
This is the evidence I have.
I saw you kissing so-and-so, or I saw you coming out of a hotel room all the nasty stuff we don't want to be true.
But not.
I saw you take a phone call and I suspect that's the person.
So you're cheating on me, because that's really nothing.
I mean, there can be other evidence, but that has to be a conversation.
But that conversation doesn't usually start with, you're a cheater.
So you can see how this looks suspicious when somebody just comes out and blatantly accuses you of something.
I think we see this in politics a lot.
There's just a, you are a bad person.
You should be ashamed this and this and this.
And uh, so the other person feels like they're on the defense, or that's what the plan was to put them on the defense.
To keep all eyes off of the person accusing.
I'm not going to get into politics.
I'm just saying that in general.
There are people who use this strategy.
Because it is.
It's a strategy.
I've seen this happen in a store once.
Computer store where a guy was yelling at the top of his lungs at the cashier saying this is the price on the product and you're going to charge me this price.
Otherwise, it's false advertising.
Even though it was very clear to everyone in the store, at least the people that were paying attention that he had switched prices.
He took a piece of software when they used to sell software in stores.
I mean they might still, but we used to have software stores where you'd go in and buy the CD and things like that.
And he switched to price.
I mean it was clear that he switched to price because this 300 product was definitely not 1499, 1499.
It was definitely not a $15 product.
And the cashier said, I'm sorry, I can't sell this to you.
It's not the right price.
The price tag is wrong.
And he, this guy, yelled.
He was screaming.
It was in a mall.
You could hear it in the rest of the mall, practically.
He was just, he wanted that cashier to give him the product at that price.
And I just watched with admiration how that cashier handled it.
He was very calm.
He said, I can't do that.
I'm sorry, that's not the price.
And, you know, that that price should not be on there.
And I don't know how it got on there.
He wasn't blaming the guy, but it was clear to me and probably many others that he put you know, the guy put a different price on there so he could get away with it.
And it was clear to me that, because of all this forward angry energy, that That he wanted the cashier to give in and submit.
And I've seen this kind of play happen in relationships as well.
But the cashier did not submit.
The guy got angrier and angrier.
I think he ended up just slamming the thing down on the counter and leaving the store.
Probably in his mind thinking, damn it, I didn't get away with it.
And everyone else just looking at each other asking what the hell just happened.
And then things calmed down and that guy went on with his life and probably tried the same thing with other people and probably got away with it.
Because of that type of forward, angry energy that causes people to sometimes cower, sometimes just want it to end, so they'll give in, they'll submit.
They'll say, okay, fine, just take it.
Please get out of my store because you're making people uncomfortable.
They do it because it works.
These people will put out that forward, aggressive energy because it works.
They get what they want.
And so this is the same type of energy, or at least a similar type of energy, that I've seen in relationships as well.
The people that get really angry at you for doing something that you didn't do or blaming you for something that you didn't do.
This should make you wonder and question whether why they are so adamant about making this such a spectacle and putting all this energy on you without having a real conversation about it.
Because I know if there were infidelity in my marriage, we would have a conversation about it.
There would have to be a lot of questions like, are you cheating on me?
I mean, what's going on?
And then we'd have a conversation like, where were you last night until nine?
And then she would tell me and, or maybe she would ask me, are you cheating on me?
Because X, Y, Z. And then my, you know, of course we want to defend ourselves.
Of course not.
What are you talking about?
And then she would say, well, this happened and this happened.
And this isn't only about cheating.
It's about anything being accused of anything.
And so when I see this type of forward aggressive energy, it tells me that something else is going on underneath that or behind it.
And that there might be some sort of control tactic happening because the person doesn't want the attention on them.
They want the attention on you.
Now I received a message just recently about this person who says they've been married for like three decades.
And she said that her husband has accused her of cheating ever since, or at least most of her marriage.
He's accused her of cheating, always looking for her to do wrong.
And she had gone through some trauma in a previous relationship or earlier in her life.
And so when they met, she was dealing with that.
But she didn't tell people she was dealing with that.
And she just said that she was sick.
And then later on, she did heal.
Thankfully, she got through that period of her life.
And she said it took a long time.
But she finally, you know, after she healed, she learned that she was worthy of being treated better.
She started to fight back against the accusations and the controls.
And I guess he was tracking her.
And she said that she got angry after years of him not seeing that she is a good person.
She says, I'm not perfect, but I'm not a cheater.
And so I've reflected on all of this, and I blame myself for his behavior because of who I used to be.
And he says I'm a narcissist because I yell at him.
Am I?
I do yell at him.
He says I cheat and just forget what I've done.
He calls me a whore.
Why is he still with a person that he can't trust and believes is a whore?
That's my first question.
And the answer to me is because he doesn't really believe it.
That's my answer.
It's a challenge to someone who is that angry at the person that they're supposed to be loving and supportive toward and with.
It's a challenge to them to hear a question like that.
Why are you still with her then?
Why?
Well, because I want her to change.
Yeah, but then if you want her to change, are you going to just sit there and point the And that's how you're getting her to change, because that usually changes people into what you don't want.
That usually changes people to the point where they want to get away from you.
So this does not sound like a supportive person who wants to heal things in the relationship.
It sounds like someone who wants to make you feel so bad about yourself and wants you to continue thinking that you're a bad person when they are being rotten to you.
He is being rotten and he's making you focus on yourself.
And of course you probably yell at him because what else are you going to do?
He can't hear you when you tell him something normal and logical and sane.
So you feel like you have no choice but to yell because he's not listening and he doesn't believe you.
At least that's his story.
And I don't believe that story.
Told you this was going to be a little controversial.
I don't usually take sides.
But somebody who has that much aggressive energy coming at you and doesn't say things like gee, you know, maybe we should go to therapy, because I really love us and I want us to grow and heal together.
Maybe we should work on this.
But instead he just makes you feel worthless and unlovable and unloved, so that you are stuck defending yourself and trying to get love from him again.
So that he continues to have this power over you.
This controlling power over you.
And he doesn't let up because it's working.
Something that he's doing is working.
Because you're still there.
You're still in the relationship.
And he is still accusing you.
Because I tell you what I would do and I'm not saying that you're doing anything wrong or you're not doing enough right.
I'm just telling you that if I were in this situation because I'm of a different makeup, I'm of a different history I don't have the trauma that you may have experienced.
But if my wife came to me and said, you're a cheater.
And I would, first of all, I would laugh.
I would ask her, where did you get that idea?
Why do you think I'm a cheater?
Let's talk about this because where the hell is this coming from?
Because I know myself that I'm honest, and if she thinks otherwise, then something wrong occurred long ago.
Something changed in her life.
Way before, because there should have been conversations before this came out.
And the kind of conversations where you are honest and transparent and you work on things and you try to heal through things.
So if she just came out of the blue and said you're this, you're that again, I would just feel like what is going on?
And I'd ask her, okay, tell me what you think.
Tell me why you think that way.
And then we'd have a conversation, because someone who cares about you and wants the relationship to work is going to want to have a conversation with you.
They're going to want to work things out if they want things to work.
They don't want to throw away their entire emotional investment into the relationship, unless they don't care, unless they want something different, unless they want to get away with something.
I don't know.
Like I said, this is something that happens with people who don't want to have the spotlight on them.
They want the spotlight on you.
And if they know that you will be angry and reactive and buckle under pressure, They will put that pressure on.
And once you buckle and in this case it might be you yelling and he might think finally, I broke her.
And now she is defending herself again.
This is great.
So the attention is not on me.
The spotlight's not on me and I can continue doing whatever I'm doing.
I know I'm implying and making huge assumptions that he is doing something wrong.
That's not fair of me.
But damn it, I've seen this happen so often.
Why would somebody be so angry and aggressive about something that is affecting them too?
Why don't they want to talk about this?
Or if they really are that angry about it, then they shouldn't be in the relationship, because all they're doing is making their own misery, staying with somebody that they can't trust.
And I know there's a lot involved.
You can't just pack up and leave the relationship.
But after so many years, I mean if you really believe this person, if they really believe that you're a cheater and that they're angry with you all the time and they're blaming you and they call you a whore.
What?
Why are they still there?
That's my challenge to a person who gets angry at the other person and stays angry for years and years and years.
You might say, well, maybe he's the victim of abusive behavior.
And it's possible.
I usually don't have abusive people write to me and say, What did I do wrong?
What can I do better?
How can I fix this?
The abuser usually doesn't want to fix things.
They don't want to heal things.
They just want to keep their power and continue to control and manipulate.
So, in this case, I don't see that happening.
Now there's also something else that could be happening is that he is so darn insecure that he refuses to look at his own insecurities and try to heal those.
So he keeps all his focus on the person that he's married to, in order for them to work on changing themselves to accommodate his insecurities.
I've seen that happen too.
In fact fear, desperation and insecurity are the root of abusive behaviors, or at least a giant part of the root of abusive behaviors.
And so when you have somebody like that, they're going to show up like that.
But it is, again, this is my own thinking.
It is really strange to be that specific by accusing somebody of doing very specific things.
In a lot of cases, the victim of infidelity is going to think many, many other things are going on and not cheating, because they don't want it to be true.
I mean, most people do not want the person in their life.
I would say everyone doesn't want the person in their life to be cheating.
So they will find other possibilities that it could be.
And so it's very unusual to have that much forward aggressive, angry energy without much or any evidence at all and just a feeling and just yell at the other person without something else going on.
So again, I told you it's going to be a little controversial, because there's always two sides to every story.
Yes, but then there's specific behavior that I notice that tends to accompany other things going on.
For example, hiding truths that the other person doesn't want to reveal.
And what's interesting is that this person who wrote said um.
He says I'm a narcissist because I yell at him.
A narcissist will never ask if they're a narcissist.
Let's just get that out of the way.
A narcissist doesn't even think about that.
They know they're not, they know they're not a problem.
So they will not reach out to somebody and ask, am I a problem?
Because that would admit an insecurity and narcissists don't admit insecurities.
They don't want to admit any fault.
They don't apologize.
They don't admit fault.
They don't seem to care about anything, even though they care about absolutely everything, which is why they try to control everything.
But they don't care in a way that is loving.
They care in a way that is selfish.
And so true narcissistic people will not ask, am I a narcissist?
Because that is not something that they consider.
Because consideration is reflection.
Reflection is thoughtfulness.
It is part of compassion for others, because they don't want to be a problem for others or themselves.
It is a lot of introspection and narcissists don't spend any time doing that.
Why would they?
They don't need to.
They just control people around them, make them feel bad about themselves and move on and get what they want.
They just keep moving forward in their life without all this reflection and thoughtfulness.
They don't spend any time doing that.
So when somebody asks me, are they a narcissist?
I usually say, no, probably not because you wouldn't be asking me.
And what's interesting is that this person who wrote her husband is calling her a narcissist, which this is one of those other techniques that if somebody calls you something that they are, then it's hard for you to go.
No, you're a narcissist, because they've already put it on the table.
Now they can say or you're just saying that because I said you are the narcissist.
It's like objection handling, like I know this is gonna come up.
So I'm just gonna call her the cheater I'm gonna call that person the narcissist.
I'm gonna call them the liar so that it's already on the table.
I'm going to introduce these points so that they don't bring them up and then it appears that I discovered these things about them and I am bringing it up for conversation so that it makes it seem that if there's narcissism or cheating or lying in this relationship, I am going to point the finger first before it gets pointed at me, because I want them on the defense.
So that can happen too.
Is that this new, these new accusations will come up out of the blue, so that the other person who is being accused is is less likely to bring it up?
That's the thought process that can happen behind that.
If I call you a liar, you are less likely to call me a liar if it hasn't been brought up before.
Because now, because you're not a liar, you'll want to defend yourself and explain yourself.
So again, the spotlight's on you.
But because it's already been brought up, there's less credibility if you say it.
It's like the accuser who lies and accuses another person, takes the energy out of what the subject of the accusation is.
So if they bring up cheating and say you're a cheater, All the energy surrounding that kind of accusation gets sucked away.
So if you say there's not enough energy in there, it's hard to explain.
But the accuser is taking away the energy of the subject matter so that when you bring it up it's already on the table.
It's already been talked about.
And all the energy is toward you right now because that's where they want it.
They want to utilize the first time effect of the accusation.
So if they say you're a cheater and that hasn't been spoken about before, then all that energy comes toward you and you have to deal with it.
You are dealing with the brunt of the force of that accusation and now you have to cope with it and defend yourself and explain yourself or at least that's where they want you so that all the time and attention is on you and not on them.
And if you were to turn it around and say, how can you call me a cheater when you're the cheater?
There's not enough energy to come back at them and where they feel like they have to deal with it because they don't, because all the energy is on you.
It's that first time effect.
It's the first time that the subject matter has been brought up, which gives it a lot of energy.
Like what cheating, And now you have to deal with it.
Whereas if you brought it up to them first, they would have to deal with it.
But they would probably find a way not to because they would probably find a way to turn it around.
Because here's another thing about this first time effect thing is, when a compassionate kind caring, supportive person gets an accusation like that, they absorb it.
They pull it into their psyche, their system, and now they believe they have to defend it and explain and share that they are not the person that this other person says they are.
And the other person that does something like this knows that that person absorbs that kind of energy and has to deal with it and it will Never leave their thoughts and I'll never leave their mind, which is why the person who wrote to me says that her husband is doing all this stuff all the time because she is absorbing it.
She's pulling it into her psyche and she is trying to deal with it, trying to cope with it and also trying to get that energy out of her, that forward angry aggressive, accusational energy that has been pushed into her by him.
And she doesn't want to be there.
And he wants her to be there.
That's my guess.
He wants her to stay there.
Because if she stays there, she has no power.
She has no power over him.
And he wants to keep his power over her for control and probably for his narcissistic tendencies or whatever selfish thing he's got going on inside of him.
That, uh again, is unfair of me to say because I don't have the whole story here.
I just have what she tells me, but I've seen enough of these messages to know what is going on at the surface level.
So I have enough to go on that this could be the case for them.
It's certainly the case for many people out there that there's one person that has the power and the other person who doesn't, because they are constantly absorbing this type of uh energy.
If it's not anger, it's guilt, it's over responsibility obligation, all these things that they believe they need to take care of or explain or even own, because they are gaslit to believe that they are the problem.
And this is what I see in a letter like this that this person is being gaslit to believe that she is a problem.
Jeez, talk about difficult relationships.
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So what does she do?
That's the question.
Well, Anything that she does will be seen as a tactic to foil his plan.
So if he wants to keep his power over her and continue controlling her and get whatever he wants, he doesn't want that to change.
So anything that she does will throw a wrench into the machinery and into the gears so that his machine stops working.
He doesn't want his machine to stop working, so he's not going to like that very much and he's going to find other ways to get what he wants and keep the pressure and the spotlight on her.
So keep that in mind, that even if I give you some sort of tip or guidance, it may just blow up in your face and it continues to be a problem.
And, of course, if this is a violent person, you don't want to do this with anyone.
Violent, physically violent.
So I'm talking about people who aren't a danger to your life.
So that's my disclaimer.
I have to say it.
But here's what I would do if I were in your shoes and I had to figure out how to deal with this complex, what I would consider manipulation.
And that is, remember that your reaction is what he feeds off of.
A controlling manipulative or narcissist or whatever, they feed off your reaction.
They expect that reaction so that they can keep you in that place of disempowerment.
And so if you don't give them the same reaction as you always do, it causes them to have to question and change their strategy.
This doesn't mean it'll stop.
And I'm not disagreeing with everyone yelling into their podcast player or their computer or their phone right now.
That is saying you should just leave him.
I'm not disagreeing with that.
But that isn't the kind of advice I normally give, even if I think about it, because that is a personal decision that you must make for yourself.
And sometimes you can have a conversation that does change things.
But in this case it does sound like it's gone so far, to the point, where it is very difficult to live with a person who believes these things about you or says these things about you, even if they don't believe them, because they're trying to make you feel worthless and unlovable and all that which is not true.
You are not worthless and unlovable.
You are the opposite of everything that he is saying.
Unless you didn't tell me something.
But I'm pretty sure you're writing to me because you don't believe any of this stuff about yourself.
And you just want somebody to remind you.
And that's what I'm doing.
I'm reminding you that you aren't what he says you are.
And you do not deserve to be treated like this.
And even if you did some of the things that he says, you still don't deserve to be treated like this.
And I don't believe you've done any of this stuff, but I don't believe that anybody deserved to be treated like this.
If somebody is treating you like this, I come right back to it.
Then what the hell are they with you for?
They should just leave.
They should just go.
I don't want to be with somebody who I can't trust.
I think is sleeping around, I think is lying to me, I think is a narcissist.
I don't want any of that in my relationship.
So I'm not going to be with somebody like that.
I'm going to leave somebody like that because in a relationship, I have values.
I value honesty.
I value respect.
I value... having fun and being connected and intimacy.
I have a lot of values that define what's important to me about a relationship.
And so if I put myself in his shoes and I see you this way and I believe these things about you, then I'm clearly not following my own values for a relationship.
And Because of that, that's why I offered the challenge to him to anyone that is aggressive and angry toward their partner.
Why are you with somebody that you can't love, that you can't support, that you can't trust?
That's the challenge because they have to think, well, that is true.
Because if I do believe these things about the other person, then why am I with that person?
Because I have values.
So if he truly has relationship values and he believes that you're violating them, then he is creating his own misery by staying with somebody who does not align with his values.
And that's on him, not on you.
That's on him.
So you can be 100 innocent and loving and caring and just want to do the right thing and just want to have a great relationship.
And he can blame you for all the things that you are not guilty of.
Which means that he needs to follow his own path away from the person that is out of alignment with his values.
And that's on him.
And he's creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That kind of aggressive offensive, accusatory talk can, and sometimes does, push somebody to do the very things they're being blamed for.
That is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I've seen it many times in abusive relationships.
I've seen this many times, where a person will get blamed over and over and over and over again for something they didn't do and decide well, if I'm going to get blamed, I might as well go do it.
I'm not saying that's the right thing to do.
I'm just saying this is what we can do for ourselves when we are the aggressor.
When we are the controller, the manipulator, we can actually push somebody to do the things we don't want to do.
I see this in jealousy in relationships.
Somebody gets so jealous.
I don't want you talking to that person.
You shouldn't look at other people that you're attracted to.
You shouldn't watch them on TV.
Do you know what that does to the person who feels oppressed and controlled?
It can absolutely push them into another person's arms because they feel safer with another person who is not oppressing and controlling them.
If you don't know that fact, please commit that to memory if you needed to know that, because that is so important.
What we don't like or what we fear happening.
We can actually manifest happening in the relationship with another person and Because we are so afraid of it happening that we can push somebody into doing what we fear happening, because we are Making their life miserable by telling them don't do this and don't do that.
We see it with kids all the time Don't take drugs, don't drink.
And what do they do?
They take drugs and drink not all of them.
I know somebody who was brought up in a very strict religious household and Guess what she did.
She went the opposite direction.
She did not want to be restricted.
Nobody wants to be restricted.
Nobody wants to be controlled.
If you do, then you're a different type of person and I'm not talking to you.
But most people do not want to be restricted and controlled.
They don't want such oppression that they can't think for themselves and do for themselves.
So they can react in the opposite direction.
The girl that I went to high school with.
Actually, she ended up going in the complete opposite direction being promiscuous drinking, taking drugs, because no one likes to feel like they don't have any control in their life or autonomy in their life and make their own decisions in their life so they can rebel.
And if they don't rebel?
If you are brought up in an oppressive, controlling household and you don't rebel, you can go the opposite direction and be strict and controlling and oppressive and judgmental and critical with other people, which causes a mess in relationships.
Because if you are controlling and judgmental and critical, you're not going to have a happy life, because other people are going to feel oppressed and restricted and criticized by you all the time, and that self-fulfilling prophecy of you don't want them doing something will cause them to do the things that you don't want them to do or do other things that you don't want them to do.
And it's often when we become controlling or critical like that, it's often because we want to keep a person in our life so badly, but we want them to be who we want them to be, regardless of what they want.
So we try to control who they are And show up the way we want them to be, because we're so insecure in ourselves.
I'm speaking about a few people maybe listening.
We can be so insecure in ourselves that we try to control others so that they show up in a way that compliments or adapts to our insecurity.
And when that happens, we can push and we will push people away.
So this person who wrote, yes, you don't want to continue reacting the same way.
Now, what does that mean?
If he says, um, you're a cheater, how do you respond to that?
I, you know again, I put myself in your shoes and if my wife said you're a cheater, of course we'd have a conversation on on that.
But it sounds like you are past that.
And it sounds like these are just accusations to get a reaction from And for you to absorb all that energy so that you're constantly thinking about it and constantly affected by it.
So what you probably could try is having a response like if you really believe that, then why are you with me?
That might be a question.
And I'm not saying these are going to go well.
In fact, they might go badly because he might feel like he's losing control if you start to say something that empowers you.
If you think that about me, why are you with me?
That is what I would say to my wife.
If you really think that about me, then why are you with me?
Why do you stay?
Because I love you and I don't want you to cheat.
Well, then what do you need to be convinced that I'm not cheating?
That would be my next question.
What do you need?
Because I want to know your criteria.
That could be something she asked him.
What is your criteria for you finally having enough evidence to realize that I'm not cheating?
What is your criteria?
And if he says something crazy that can't be quantified, then you know where you stand.
And what I mean by that is he could say, I don't need any criteria.
I just know it for a fact.
That can't be quantified.
There's no logic.
There's no reason.
That's like being in a courtroom saying I just know that he murdered that guy because he just seems like the kind of guy that would do that.
No evidence.
So I like to know the criteria.
What do you need from me to know that I'm not cheating?
Now if it was my wife and she believed I was cheating and she said I need you to come home every day at 5 pm And make sure that you show me your phone and show me your GPS or whatever.
I need you to do all these things.
Then I'd probably say, okay, no problem.
Here you go.
I'm home at 5 p.m.
But I know what's going to happen is that if she has an agenda to make sure that I feel bad and I'm always in this defensive posture, that that's going to change.
Like I will come home at 5 p.m. and then she'll find something else.
Well, you need to do this next and then you need to do that.
And then I'll realize, okay, this is going nowhere.
So this isn't necessarily my guidance or advice for this other person.
I'm just thinking about this, thinking it through in real time what I would say, how I would respond.
But I would have no problem meeting some of this criteria, assuming it was legitimate criteria.
Like if she really had a suspicion, then I want to squash that suspicion.
I don't want her to think that I'm cheating because I want to be in a loving, healthy relationship.
And so I will probably do some of the things that she asked just to make her feel better.
But if she doesn't feel better and it continues to go down a path that she finds more and more and more, that I can, I could never possibly meet, then I know where it's going.
So It will probably eventually reach that with this person, but it's important to understand what his criteria is for believing that you aren't cheating.
But it may be past that too.
It may be past that.
He might just say, I know you are.
It doesn't matter what I say.
Okay.
So what's your next step?
My suggestion is and again, this may not go well, may go terrible, may go bad into an argument and now you have to deal with something else.
But I might say, I know that I'm not, I know that I'm loyal.
And if you truly believe that, then you'll just have to work that out in yourself.
Again, that could go terribly wrong, but what you're doing is standing up in your own power and saying and that's where they don't want you.
Some people don't want you in your power.
But if you stand up in your own power and say I know the truth And I know I'm not cheating,
And again, this is all because of the compound effect of all these years that he's been accusing you and he's trying to keep you in that powerless position.
But if one day you say, well, I know the truth.
I know I'm not cheating.
I've never cheated on you.
And if you still believe it, then you have to deal with it.
That's your problem, not mine.
Because it really is.
Again, the onus and responsibility for what he believes and what he does next with his life.
If he chooses to spend it with you or chooses to move on, it's his responsibility.
It's his choice.
So when you put that responsibility back on the person doing the accusations by saying something along the lines of I know I'm not cheating
And if you believe that, if you believe I'm a liar and you believe I'm a cheater and you believe I'm a narcissist, that's on you to figure out for yourself and make the next right decision for you, because I know myself.
And if you can't trust me, that's not on me.
That's on you.
If you think I'm all these things, that's not my fault.
That's yours because you're thinking it.
You see what I did there?
This is something I teach in my healed being program.
Healed being is for the emotionally abusive person who actually wants to heal and change.
And what they don't realize is that when they have a problem with somebody, it's their problem, not the somebody.
It's their problem, not theirs.
Which means if I had a problem with you, that's my problem.
It's not your problem.
It's my problem.
If you set my house on fire yes, I would have a problem with you, but I have to deal with that problem.
I will deal with you later in the justice system, but I have to deal with the problem right now.
This is my problem because my house is on fire.
So if I have a partner who is cheating and lying and doing all these things that I disagree with, that is my problem.
Yes, they are a problem for me, but it's still my problem.
And that's one of the many, many things I teach in healed, being that when you have a problem with somebody, that's your problem.
That means you have to deal with it.
That means the onus of responsibility of what to think and say and do next comes on you.
Because if you attempt to change someone else to accommodate you, then you become a controlling, manipulative person.
And there are good reasons for people to change.
Yes, if my wife started smoking and I didn't like it, then I would say hey, I wish you would stop smoking, because I don't like it and it gets on my clothes.
And I just don't want that in our relationship.
And if she said well no, I'm not going to stop smoking because I love it, then I would have to bring my problem with her back to me and make a decision that's right for me, because I have values and I have boundaries and I need to make decisions that work for me.
Because if I try to change her, what will that do?
It will create a tumultuous relationship just like this person is dealing with now.
Her husband is either trying to change her or just keep her powerless.
My belief is that all he wants is to keep her powerless because she's not saying that he's telling her that she needs to change anything.
All he's doing is accusing.
I mean, maybe there's more to the story here that I don't know.
I'm sure there is.
But what I'm reading here is all he does is accuse and put all the weight of these accusations on her so that she carries it all around and she has to deal with his choice not to heal himself, to work on himself.
He is making his problem with her, her problem, instead of saying my problem with her is my problem.
And quite honestly, it's actually deeper than that.
I believe that he just wants to control her and doesn't seem to care how she feels about anything that he's doing to her.
So my last thought on all of this, aside from just changing your reaction, is changing your belief about what's going on.
Because if you believe that, he believes that you're really cheating, that belief probably needs to change by now.
It probably does.
You need to start turning that around and realize that no, he doesn't believe I'm cheating.
He's still with me.
He's still accusing me.
And his goal seems to just keep me oppressed and powerless.
And then you have to ask yourself, why?
Why is he doing that?
Why does he want to keep me powerless?
What's the point?
Maybe you'll never know.
Does it really matter?
You don't really have to ask yourself why.
You can just say, I choose not to be powerless anymore.
And when you choose not to be powerless... a couple things happen.
First you realize that oh, somebody is actually trying to make me feel this way, because as soon as I feel powerful or empowered, I start seeing things for what they really are.
And what this really is isn't what you think it's been.
What it's been is him wanting to keep you in your place so that he can keep playing the role he's playing, for whatever purpose that is.
What does he gain?
That's the why here he does this because he gains something.
He gains something from you, and i'm not saying that he enjoys watching you suffer, but damn, i would be questioning that too, because if my wife felt like you felt and always feeling accused and blamed and trying to defend herself all the time, I would feel guilty as hell.
I would feel so bad because I want my wife to be happy.
I want my wife to feel good about herself, in herself.
And if she felt like what you're explaining here, what you feel, the person who wrote, if you feel that way all the time, then that tells me that your husband doesn't really want to see you happier.
And I don't mean to say that so coldly, but I think there are some facts that can really help you turn your belief system around, so you can step into your power, so that you stop believing that he believes anything he's saying, because I really do think that this is all a tactic.
And the other thing I want to say is stop blaming yourself for the behaviors of a person who knows you.
Blame yourself.
Don't blame yourself for his behavior.
Who's taking advantage of you blaming yourself?
Because he is taking advantage of you blaming yourself.
He wants that to happen.
Again, these are all my expert assumptions.
These are all my opinions.
If he has a different story, if he writes to me and say, no, you got it all wrong.
This is what's happening.
I'll listen.
But from what I'm reading here and from my many years of doing this, everything I've said here is probably spot on.
And if this is heartbreaking to you, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this no matter what, but I want you to have someone on your side that reminds you that you're not crazy and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
Something I always say on my other podcast, love and abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
I'm saying that because if you haven't heard of that show, or if other people are listening and they haven't heard of that show, this is exactly what I talk about over there all the time.
And you need to be empowered with knowledge and understanding of, and a realization that when you think you're going crazy in the relationship, it's almost always because someone is making you feel that and think that and believe things about yourself that simply aren't true.
And this is your first step out of this craziness is not necessarily to believe in yourself or anything like that, but Don't believe that he believes what he's saying, so that you can see the fantasy that he's trying to create, so that you don't fall into the trap of that control tactic that he's trying to play on you.
My opinion.
I hope this helps.
Stay strong.
And thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
Let me get more positive here.
That was a tough one because she's not in a good situation.
And I just want to kind of uplift this for the end of the show.
And I want to thank the patrons that always are so generous with their contributions every month, like Cheyenne Angel, Crystal Wanda Wei.
All of you are amazing.
And Zachary, he comes up once a year.
He still gives once a year.
And I would love to read your name every week, but I forget.
I know you're out there, Zachary.
Thank you so much for your contributions.
Everyone that gives to the show, donates, or becomes a patron, I'm very grateful to you.
And if you find value in the show and you want to give back, head over to moretobcom and there are ways to do that over there.
Thank you again.
And I mentioned it earlier.
Just a moment ago actually.
My other podcast, Love and Abuse, is how to navigate the difficult relationship.
So head over to loveandabusecom.
If you are dealing with any type of control or manipulation, or you feel guilty or responsible or just bad about yourself and other people in your life, don't seem supportive but actually seem oppressive.
That show is going to help you.
That's over at loveandabuse.com.
And I have a program that I mentioned as well called Healed Being.
And that program has been super helpful.
I mean, it has changed lives.
It has reconciled relationships.
And it's also highlighted that some relationships can't be reconciled.
And sometimes it's hard to know which direction it's going until you start learning what you're doing.
If it's controlling or oppressive or emotionally abusive relationships.
If you feel like you need to work on that in yourself, head over to healedbeingcom, and the first four lessons are free and there's a couple of QAs that come your way.
That are questions that people have asked me that are very helpful.
So head over there to healedbeingcom and start your journey.
Start your healing journey to becoming the healthiest partner that one can have.
With that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
Be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
Above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, You are amazing.
