this is an all ears english podcast how to relate but not dominate in english conversations welcome to the all ears english podcast downloaded more than 200 million times are you feeling stuck with your english we'll show you how to become fearless and fluent by focusing on connection not perfection with your American hosts, Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer, and Michelle Kaplan, the New York radio girl, coming to you from Colorado and New York City, USA.
And to get your transcripts delivered by email every week, go to allearsenglishcom.
Forward slash subscribe.
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Hey there, Michelle.
How's it going today?
Hey, Lindsay.
Pretty good.
How are you?
Feeling good today.
Michelle, do you ever open up to someone about something that's going on in your life and then that person just makes it all about them?
Does that ever happen to you?
Of course.
I think it happens to everybody.
That's so frustrating.
What do you think?
Does that happen to you?
Yeah.
No, that's really bad, right?
Because sometimes when you're opening up, it takes a lot to actually open up.
And then if the person kind of twists it around and makes it about them, it can be really demoralizing, I think.
Yeah, absolutely.
So today we are going to talk about how to connect and share yourself without taking away from the other person, right?
You want to share something because you think maybe it would help, maybe it would build a connection, but you don't want to then make it seem like you're pulling them away saying oh, now I want to.
You know, focus on myself.
You're still feeding their context.
Yes.
I love this topic.
This is a very refined and high level connection skill today, Michelle.
So excited.
Exactly.
And guys, something we are really excited about is, uh, for a quick heads up.
So in a few weeks we are going live with our brand new professional English level two course.
Uh, We can't wait for this.
We can't wait, Michelle.
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So good.
Yes.
Oh my gosh.
This is really good for those really important moments that matter, right?
So this is going to really help you.
Yes.
You got it.
Michelle, where can our listeners go to get on the early access list?
If you get on this list, guys, you will be the first ones to hear when the course becomes available.
Yeah.
So go to allearsenglish.com slash hire.
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All right.
Good stuff, Michelle.
Can't wait for that.
Yes.
How did this idea for today come up, Michelle?
This is a great topic for today.
This is going to be really fun.
So this idea actually came from an episode we did about ups and downs.
So we're going to give you the episode number and name towards the end of the episode.
So listen up for that.
We did a role play and we are going to read you actually a small part of the role play so we can talk about it and where this idea came from.
So this is actually from that other episode.
So in this role play, I was discouraged because I got reprimanded at work.
OK, so here we go.
OK.
All right.
Here we go.
All right.
Oh, man, I just feel like I've hit rock bottom.
I know it feels that way, Michelle.
Listen, I really think you'll bounce back after your vacation.
It will completely refresh you.
That's how it was for me the last time I went away.
I overcame what was bothering me and I had a completely fresh start.
Okay, perfect.
So that is from that other episode.
Look out for that number towards the end of this episode.
So Lindsay, but what was special about this?
Oh my gosh, such a high level connection skill here.
So what I did was I spoke about my own experience.
But it was very clear, remained clear, that I was here to listen to you and relate everything back to your concern, your problem.
Right.
Right.
Right.
Exactly.
You didn't just say, oh, now we're going to talk about me.
So this is what this episode is about.
I mean, how how did you do that?
Because this is such a huge skill for connection.
Again, sharing your own experiences.
You don't want to stay quiet.
This is a really helpful tool to share yourself right, but doing in that way that doesn't overpower what the other person is saying, that doesn't just take away from them.
Yeah.
And you also don't want to just it adds value when you share your story.
Yeah, because it makes you more relatable.
But there's a very fine you know fine way to do it without swaying the conversation, to make it about you, like you said, Michelle.
So let's talk about what I did.
Right.
Maybe we have a couple of steps or strategies that we can share with our listeners today.
Right.
Exactly.
So one thing you can do is so, you know, you briefly touch on your experience.
You don't need to then go into a monologue about what happened to you.
Right.
So I think the timing is important.
Just a little touch, a little sprinkle, a little sprinkle, and then don't go into too much detail.
Right.
So you don't need to say, oh, when I was here at this time and this was the weather.
Right.
Right.
No, no.
The basics.
Yeah, because then the story becomes about you.
Right.
So you're just kind of taking what came from what would be useful to the other person.
And that is the next step related directly to the person you are speaking to.
So we don't care about the other unrelated details of your story.
Right.
We only care about what's going to help the person we're talking with.
Yes, exactly.
Exactly.
So relate it to that person, relate it directly to them, which is huge.
So here in this role play, you said, that's how it was for me.
So we're going to talk about other good things you can say to start sharing yourself, right?
So what is the first one?
OK, so a couple of other good things we could say is I can totally relate and then briefly comment, and then you know, come back to the person.
Right.
So you add a comment, but it comes back to that person that you're talking with.
Right.
So, for example, I can totally relate.
I felt so lost after I lost my job.
But you will find a way to make it through.
And I'm always here to talk.
Mm hmm.
So again, you mentioned that you had lost your job and you felt lost, but then you mentioned something encouraging.
You'll find a way to make it through.
And I'm always here to chat, to talk.
Right.
So it's not really about me.
It's about that other person.
Right.
Right.
Exactly.
So, again, it is that fine line between sharing yourself.
So you don't want to we don't want you guys to be afraid to tell your experience.
We encourage that.
But that you try not to cross that line to then stealing the spotlight, basically saying.
Oh, yeah.
So important.
I can see this skill being really useful for our students who come to Open Conversation Club too, because in Open Conversation Club we go into breakout rooms and we ask our listeners to discuss questions our students.
And you want to be able to transition between what you're saying and what someone else has said.
Right.
These are also really good ways to do that, too.
Yes, exactly.
So the next one is, I remember feeling that way when...
So, or I remember feeling X, right?
The emotion, whatever it is.
So Lindsay, how might that sound?
Okay.
So it might sound a little wordy, but it works, right?
We love it.
So here we go.
We could say, I remember feeling frustrated when I couldn't figure out what I wanted to do.
It helped me to try to speak to as many people as possible about my interests.
So here you're not necessarily saying oh, now you do this, but you're kind of leaning towards what helped you.
And you're giving a little piece of advice without saying you have to do this.
Yes.
A little piece of wisdom from your own experience.
Right.
Just enough.
Just enough.
Yeah.
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All right, Michelle, there's more, right?
So far we've got, I can totally relate.
I remember feeling that way when, but there's more than just that, right?
So what would be another thing we could use?
Another one is just, I've been there, right?
Yes.
I've been there.
And so you don't even need to expand on that that much, right?
You can just say, I've been there.
I've been there.
You're so strong.
You will figure it out, right?
Yeah.
I like this approach because you don't have to share.
If they want to know more about what happened to you, they will ask.
But this is nice.
It's very concise.
It's confident.
Sounds good to me, right?
Yes.
Yes.
Or one more is that makes me think of when I So.
For example, that makes me think of when I first started my business.
I know it's a lot at first, but I promise you I promise you it will work out.
Yes.
OK, so talking about your starting your business, not going into everything, showing kind of having that bridge.
I know it's a lot at first and then throwing it back to that person.
So they know we can still, the conversation, it's not, it's still about you, right?
We're still talking about you.
So you don't have to feel now, oh, now it's changed.
Exactly.
Michelle, why is this so incredibly important?
This is one of those top 20 episodes that really matters for connection.
Why?
Yeah, because people like to know that someone is listening, right?
Especially in this moment where they're being vulnerable, where they're sharing something difficult for them, that they're struggling with right.
This is going to be really special.
And people remember that this is something that is long lasting.
And People remember, in those moments where you're feeling not so great, that when someone was kind to them, when someone listened to them.
And part of that is sharing your experience and connecting over that.
And part of that is also letting that person have their space to express themselves.
Oh, you're so right, Michelle.
I love it.
So let's show our listeners again from the very top how this looks in a role play.
We're just going to use one of them because obviously it doesn't make sense, right?
To throw in a bunch of these doesn't make any sense at all, right?
Yes, exactly.
So here you are, looking for a house and you just got outbid by someone and this was your dream house.
This is a pretty universal thing that well, even right now you know, at the housing market things get so crazy and it can be Really hard when you don't get the place that you wanted right, Lindsay?
Oh, for sure.
We get our hearts set on something.
We start to envision our family and the house and how walkable it is to all these great places or whatever it is we're looking for.
And then we lose it, right?
This is a very human experience.
So, all right.
Let's go for it, Michelle.
Let's see if we can help each other feel better here.
I'm just so disappointed.
I've been looking for forever.
Oh, Lindsay, I know.
I remember feeling that way when I was house hunting.
It's a lot.
And this is a hard market.
It's hard when it doesn't work out.
I really think you'll find something soon.
Thanks, Michelle.
That helps.
Yeah.
Good.
So nice.
So, you know, here we go.
So how did we do it?
How did you use the framework, Michelle?
What did you do?
Right.
So I said, I remember feeling that way when... And then say I was house hunting.
Then...
I kind of elaborated a little bit and kind of related it to the universal feeling.
It's a hard market.
It's hard when it doesn't work out.
That's pretty universal, right?
And then you said, I really think you will find something soon.
And that opens the door to you asking, oh, did you have a lot of places that fell through?
What was it like?
Do you have any tips?
You left the door open.
You're showing that you like, you're showing that you are willing to share a piece of yourself.
Right as well, if they want a good point, that's a good point, michelle.
Right it opens the door and again i mean just this idea of pointing to the universal emotion.
I think that could be another connection episode potentially.
That would be a great one, a great follow-up to this episode.
You said it's a lot and this is a hard market.
It's hard when it doesn't work out.
That's really a connection skill in itself, but it's wrapped up into this strategy that we're teaching our listeners today, which I think is incredibly powerful.
Yeah, exactly.
So you know definitely you are left.
I think, as you know the person who is kind of venting to me about your struggles what you're feeling feeling upset.
This is giving you that door to either say, oh, well, Michelle's been there.
I can ask her more about herself or maybe not.
And just I want to talk about me.
That's OK.
Yeah.
Exactly.
You got it.
So this has been so good.
I love these kinds of episodes because we know they'll be useful for every single one of our listeners.
Michelle, what is another episode our listeners could check out right now?
Where could they go?
Yeah.
So guys, I was telling you about where this role play came from from the beginning, where the inspiration for this episode was from.
And that was from episode 2440.
It was ups and downs in English part two, how to bounce back.
So that's going to be a good one.
That's a good one.
And while you're at it flying around all there's English, be sure to hit that follow button.
Michelle, what is our takeaway for today?
All right, Lindsay.
Well, yeah, this is just such a powerful tool.
Um, to be self-aware of how you sound when you're trying to relate to someone, when they're struggling, when they're being vulnerable and sharing with you right.
Realizing I should share, right.
Don't think, Oh no, they're talking.
I shouldn't, I should only say, Oh, that must be hard, blah, blah, blah.
It's good to share.
It's good to put forth your experience, but you have to do it kind of, it's a kind of an art.
It's a real art and we've shed a little bit of light on it today.
And we'll keep talking about this art of connection in future episodes, of course, on the show, because our theme here is connection, not perfection.
Good stuff.
All right, Michelle, thanks for being here today.
And guys don't forget to sign up for the early access list for professional English level two at allearsenglishcom.
Slash high stakes.
All right.
Good stuff, Michelle.
I'll talk to you soon.
All right.
Bye, Lindsay.
Bye, guys.
All right.
Take care.
Bye.
Thanks for listening to All Ears English.
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