This is an All Ears English podcast episode 931, what not to do in an English networking event.
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Lindsay McMahon, the English adventurer, and Michelle Kaplan, the New York radio girl, coming to you from Boston and New York City, USA.
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Hey, Lindsay, how's it going?
Hey, Michelle, not too bad.
Okay.
Awesome.
Awesome.
I have a question for you.
Okay.
I'm ready.
Are you comfortable?
I know you go to like a lot of meetups and different things.
Are you comfortable at networking events like for work stuff?
Oh, man.
It just depends on the event and it depends on the people.
Like sometimes the people are really cool and then sometimes they're just really stiff and boring.
Yeah.
I don't know.
What about you?
I always feel a little bit uncomfortable because it's like – I feel like I'm just there to talk about work.
And like that makes me uncomfortable.
Like I don't – I feel uncomfortable like – knowing okay, we're all here because we're hoping to excel in our careers like, and that's what you know what I mean.
Like I actually I have to be honest, I haven't been to one of these in a long long long, long time.
Yeah, but I think back to when I first moved to New York and I went to one and I was so just like freaked out because it just felt like business card collecting and and i haven't.
Yeah, i think sometimes that can depend on the city you're into.
I noticed a lot more business cards flying around in new york than i have in boston, by the way.
That's interesting.
Okay, that is interesting, i mean.
So i haven't been to one of those in many, many years, but like thinking back on it like gives me like a little bit like of anxiety.
That's so funny.
Well, it sounds like part of it is because it's not a very holistic experience.
I mean, you are more than your career, but you're going into the room expected to only be your career, you know.
Right, right, right.
Exactly.
So interesting.
So...
We are going to talk more about this today because you sent me actually a really cool article.
Thank you for that.
And it's from the Harvard Business Review.
And it's called Eight Questions to Ask Someone Other Than What Do You Do?
Yeah, because, well, personally, when I ask, what do you do?
I get bored with myself.
Like I get bored before the person even answers by just hearing myself ask that question.
Right, right, right.
Exactly.
And it's just like, what do you do?
I don't know.
It's what you said.
You are more than your career.
I mean, a career is definitely an important piece of who you are, but it's almost like that's the most important part, rather than you as a person.
You know.
Right, right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So we can get more creative.
Is that what you're saying?
Yeah.
Absolutely.
We can get more creative.
And so we're going to give you guys advice and we're going to talk about this article for today.
And we're going to explain what we think are some good and bad ways to connect with people at networking or business events or things like that.
That would be really helpful.
Okay, that sounds good.
So where do we start?
All right.
So one of the interesting things vocabulary words I learned from this article was multiplex ties.
Whoa, that's a good one.
What does that mean?
Okay, so the article talks a lot about that.
So they're like basically your connections to a person, right?
So if The article talks about how if you have more ties, like more connections with a person, then you're going to have a better relationship,
So, for example, like if you are – like the article talks about being friends with a coworker.
It's like, you know, you're developing a deeper connection to that person.
So the more connections you have to a friend –
To a person, the more that just like I think the article talked about just having a rich relationship with that person
Yeah, for sure.
For sure.
That makes sense.
So that's what we is, that our goal, then.
In these events we want to make not only friends, but business colleagues to our business connections, and friends at the same time.
I think that's an interesting way to look at it.
Yeah.
You might find things that I believe the article mentioned about, like just finding things that you have in common.
Right.
That end up like drawing you together on a deeper level rather than.
What's your job?
Yeah, that's so true.
So it's kind of like we want to go into these events with a broader perspective, like a wider kind of funnel.
The idea is like, it's not just for work contacts.
And I wonder how much of this is cultural too.
I mean, I wonder how much of this is like...
Our mentality in the US is you know yeah, we have these events, we go there, make business contacts.
But I wonder if in different cultures, this is not as much of a problem.
That's really interesting.
Yeah, I would be totally curious to hear about that from our listeners.
Yeah, we want to hear from you guys.
So come back to the blog.
Come back to allearsenglish.com, 931 in the search bar and tell us what you think.
Do you have these networking events?
Do you feel like people stick to their boxes of this is a work event, so we only talk about work, or are people much more holistic?
You know, when they show up at those events, talking about their family, their personalities, their hobbies.
Right, right, right.
Definitely.
So there's a quote from this article that I took out that I really, really loved.
That, I think, really summarizes this well.
Would you mind reading for us, Lindsay?
Yeah, sure.
This quote right here.
So, okay.
So here's the quote.
All right.
So, assuming you're already at a work-related networking event or meeting another person in a work context, the quick question quickly sets a boundary around the conversation that the other person is now a work contact.
And the question is when you ask, what do you do, right, Michelle?
Yes.
Okay.
It's possible you might discover another commonality and build a multiplex tie, but it's far less likely to happen in that conversation.
Instead consider beginning your introductory questions with something deliberately non-work related and trusting that the context of the meeting will eventually steer the conversation back to work-related topics.
I love that.
Yeah, I thought that that was really smart.
I think that makes sense.
And you know of course it's going to get to work.
But if you just run up to someone and you're like, tell me about your job,
Yeah, you put a box around it really quickly, right?
Right.
Then we know like, okay, that's what this is.
But maybe had I thought about, you know, at that work of, at that networking event I went to when I you know, eight years ago.
Yeah.
Maybe if I had thought about asking more of these like other types of questions, I would have felt more comfortable like oh, I'm just like getting to know people.
Yeah, but the problem, I'm going to play devil's advocate for just a minute.
The problem I have though, I like, so we're going to jump into these questions, right?
And take a look at these, these ideas, right?
But they're different.
The only problem here is like I feel like if I use one of these different questions, sometimes people are going to look at me like I'm crazy, because they've never heard this question.
They don't have, like they have a script for the networking event and that script includes like three questions
What do you do?
Where do you work?
What are your goals this year or something?
You know what I mean?
They're work related questions.
So if I come out and I say something like one of these suggestions, like what excites you right now, it's a little bit like
Is it a little bit weird?
I don't know.
Or maybe it's good.
I think it depends on the question.
So why don't we go through them?
Because there's only eight of them.
So we can just briefly comment on them.
Because I definitely can agree with you.
I do like some of them.
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So let's go.
So number one, what excites you right now?
I put that as my least favorite.
I also don't like it.
I feel like it's... Like what?
It's kind of annoying.
Like it's a little bit tacky.
What excites you right now?
Yeah.
It's just kind of... No.
I wouldn't recommend that one.
Especially cold.
Like maybe if you get into the conversation and you get to know the person a little bit.
Hey, what are you excited about these days?
Maybe.
Maybe.
But as a cold question to start a conversation, guys, I don't think so.
Like I wouldn't even ask like a close friend.
Like I wouldn't – or somebody – yeah, I wouldn't ask someone I know well like Lindsay.
Like could you imagine being like, hey, Lindsay, like so what excites you right now?
Like you'd be like –
Yeah.
I don't know.
Well, I think part of the problem with this question is actually more the structure of it.
That's true.
Because it's too much of a soundbite that you would grab from one of these articles.
Do you know what I mean?
If I were talking to some friends I might say like hey guys, what are you most excited about in the next two weeks?
Something like that.
That's better.
Would sound more genuine to me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, guys, I want to, yeah.
Just don't worry about that one.
Yeah, I wanted to though.
Okay.
The next one is.
All right.
So, what are you looking forward to?
Hmm.
Hmm.
I just still feel like this is awkward for networking.
Yeah, I feel like this article might have been written by someone who's a little bit socially awkward.
No, I mean.
The problem with this one for me is that It's not even putting any kind of context around the question.
Are you talking about?
What am I looking forward to today, at this event, next year in my career, in my personal life?
Like it's too broad.
Yeah, yeah, that's true.
And like yeah, I just think.
I mean maybe if you warm the person up a little bit like oh, great party blah, blah.
No, I don't even know how that would work.
Like, I can't imagine that at any point being not strange.
That one gets a bad review from us, too.
First two are out.
What are some good ones on here?
I mean, what do you think?
Okay, I have one.
Maybe there are two.
Okay, so the next one is what's the best thing that happened to you this year?
Okay, so what do you think of this one?
You also don't like it.
I don't.
I mean, I feel like it could be like, oh, what's been the highlight of your year?
Or like, oh, what's new with you this year?
Or something like that.
But what's the best?
It sounds like a question that you would find in a teenager's magazine.
Yeah.
Yeah, I agree.
And I also think it sounds too pre-rehearsed.
Like, it's too pre-prepared.
Do you know what I mean?
It's almost like the person is coming in with this article like in their hand and they're pulling out the question.
It's too complex of a question to be spontaneous.
Like, when we create a good question, we want to sound somewhat spontaneous, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, absolutely.
Right.
So sometimes, you know, this is why rehearsing can be, you know, not good.
But you know more, think of ideas rather than like actual, like where, like what's the best thing that happened to you know, like try and think of it just like ideas and then formulate them.
I mean you guys are at the level where you don't have to memorize the exact phrase.
Ideas yeah like like, come to more of a concept, like an idea like um, like vision, like career vision, like what is your problem?
What is like this idea?
Like everyone has, many people have a problem that they're trying to solve in the world.
That really bothers them.
For us on this show, it bothers us that people can't connect and that English could stand in front of that connection, that language could stand in the way of connection.
So that's the problem we're trying to solve.
So maybe finding a way to word that, finding out what it is that motivates the person in the world.
Right.
You know what I mean?
Starting with the problem or the concept or the idea.
I love that idea.
OK.
Yeah, I like that, too.
Yeah, that's awesome.
So, I mean, honestly, I would say that there are only two on here that I'm OK with.
OK.
Well, why don't why don't.
Well, what do you think about the next one?
So where did you grow up?
So I think this is fine.
I like this.
I think this question is a lot more human than the other two.
The other two sound – two or three sound kind of like too trendy or too much out of a magazine.
This one sounds like –
I could connect with someone just by knowing where they're from.
Like, oh, you grew up in the countryside.
Oh, me too.
Did you want to live in the city right away?
There could be a lot of follow-up questions.
Absolutely.
Yeah.
This is what I put as my favorite one, Lindsay.
Okay, excellent.
Okay, guys.
So yeah, all ears English approved.
We put our stamp of approval, our yellow stamp on that and we approve it.
Awesome.
And the next one is what do you do for fun?
What do you think?
What do you do for fun?
Yeah, that's okay.
That's okay.
That one doesn't really bother me so much.
I also said that that one was okay.
Next one is, who is your favorite superhero?
It's weird.
It's weird.
Again, this is not like...
I honestly feel like if someone came up to me and asked me that, I would just roll my eyes.
Yeah.
Do you know what I mean?
Maybe, I don't know.
You'd have to be really charismatic and funny to say this and get away with it, because it's just too much for a first question in a conversation.
Right, right, right.
Exactly.
Okay.
And the next one is very interesting.
Are they suggesting this as a first question?
This next one?
I don't know.
You know what?
Actually, I'm like literally scrolling through the article again, because I'm like...
Did I miss something here?
Guys, we're going to put a link to this in the blog post, so come back to 931 and check out the link.
You can read this article yourself and form your own opinions, but we're just giving you a few tips.
We're steering you in a certain direction here so that you can make these better connections at these events.
If someone came up to me at a networking event and the first thing they said or even the third question, they said if it was out of context and they said is there a charitable cause you support?
It's kind of weird.
I would also find that a little bit like too personal like yeah, that's a money question, all right yeah, and also just, i don't know like what, if it's like about maybe you support a cause, like for a sickness, for like a relative who died from that sickness, you know like yeah, you know like, i feel like it's just like a little too personal.
Yeah, I think I like the suggestion you made earlier for our listeners to be.
Our key takeaway today is guys, start with and I start with a theme or an idea that you want to learn about more, whether it's vision, problem being solved, problem the person solving in their life, or like interests, and then you create questions based on the concept that you want to know more about.
Right.
And then the last one, we'll just do real fast.
What's the most important thing I should know about you?
Thoughts?
Again, very weird.
These are all really weird.
Who wrote this article?
Sorry.
This is weird.
Like, okay, this might be something you would ask someone on a date maybe.
Or on a job interview.
Job interview.
Like the very end of a job interview when you're thinking about hiring someone.
Is there anything you're not telling me here?
Right?
Right.
But in a networking event, you come up to someone.
No, no.
Big fail.
Yeah, I'm still I'm like reading through it.
I keep on reading through it.
I'm like, did I miss something?
No, it says consider your beginning introductory questions.
And then it says blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Like I think what we read.
Here's the here's the.
OK, well, whatever.
No, I mean, so the takeaway here in my mind, Michelle, is like, check in, guys.
If you're finding these lists online right, we're finding them because we found a link in Facebook somewhere, for example, and we're just going to grab what we see online.
Don't do it.
Check in with someone.
Check in with a native speaker, check in with someone who you know knows how to connect with people.
Because to me, these suggestions are just bad ones.
Yeah, I think so too.
I mean, and, you know, so like we said, you know, think of in terms of ideas.
I mean you could ask about like I think like mild questions, like the article does talk about asking open-ended questions.
Right.
So just we're always and I think we've talked about this before.
You're looking for things that you have in common with the person.
So try and think about that or, you know, comment on the area or the food or something.
And you're just looking for things in common.
So if you think in terms of that, rather than like a rehearsed set of questions or just something about work,
But I think that that would be much more helpful.
Yeah, I agree, Michelle.
And we've done episodes on small talk before.
We've gone at this topic from different angles before.
If you guys go back to episode 817, it's one simple strategy to start conversations naturally.
We talk about finding a shared situation, a shared situation strategy, where you emphasize where you're at in that moment and you make a comment about it and you start from there.
I like that idea better than these weird, like trendy questions that just seem out of the blue and kind of shockingly awkward.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I agree.
I agree.
Okay.
So today is a what not to ask episode.
I love it.
Awesome.
But guys, stick with Alders English.
We'll show you how to connect and you don't need these like pre-planned phrases.
You just need, you know, the right skills, the confidence to step into that conversation.
And we're going to give that to you guys here.
So awesome.
All right, Michelle, thanks for hanging out today.
It's been an interesting topic.
Thank you, Lindsay.
Have a good one, guys.
All right, bye.
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