This is an All Ears English podcast episode 2446.
Why you shouldn't be a one -upper.
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What is one -upping and why shouldn't you do it?
Today, you'll learn common ways people one -up each other and why you should avoid it to build connection in English.
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Hey, Aubrey, how are you?
I'm great. How are you, Michelle?
I'm good. Thanks. I'm so glad to be talking with you today.
And do you have a question for me, Aubrey?
Sure. I am curious if you know anyone who is a one -upper.
Not anybody that comes to mind specifically.
I guess everybody has their moments, but how about you?
Yeah, that's a good point, right?
We all find ourselves doing this every now and then, maybe accidentally, but every now and then you meet someone who really is a one -upper.
I met someone a couple of weeks ago.
So I took a neighbor to dinner that I didn't know well, and she was a one -upper, the epitome of a one -upper more than anyone I've ever met, and she would even sort of announce she was going to do it with these phrases.
She'd say, you know, I can top that, and she'd share mostly about her grandkids because she was proud of them.
She wanted to share about them, but it was really interesting to hear and really kind of hurt the connection because it didn't feel good for, you know, anybody who she was was one -upping.
And this came up recently in an episode Lindsay and I were recording.
I'm like, let's do a whole episode about the ways people one -up, the phrases we use, and why this can really hurt a connection.
Absolutely. Okay. This is a really fun topic.
So yeah, one -upper.
I mean, Aubrey, tell us a little bit more.
Yeah, this is, so we use this as a noun to describe a person, a one -upper tries to outdo or overshadow others by having a better story or a better experience or achievement.
And the phrase is often, you know, it'll come up in casual conversation, usually pretty subtly to shift the attention back to themselves.
Or especially I think this happens even more often when you're proud of someone else bragging about someone else.
If you're not talking about yourself, you sort of don't realize you're one -upping sometimes.
sometimes. Interesting.
Yeah. So let's talk about some of the phrases that you might hear if somebody is being a one -upper.
So you already mentioned this one.
I can top that, right?
Yeah. Or I can do you one better.
I heard her say this and I remember growing up, I would hear this one.
This might be sort of regional colloquial for the West. I can do you one better.
It sounds sort of slang and informal.
But we'll also, you know, someone might say like, you think that's scary one time and then share a bigger experience, right?
Yeah. Or you ain't seen nothing yet.
This, I imagine, is you're doing some sort of competition.
Maybe you're playing a game or you're in a talent show or something like that.
Right. And you're letting them know that you are going to do a better job.
Exactly. So today we're going to share sort of the three main ways this happens, three main ways people try to one -up someone else.
We use it as a verb that way too, right?
We say we one -up other people.
So the first way is comparing experiences.
So for example, that's nothing.
You should have seen what I did.
Yeah. And maybe, oh yeah, I've done that, but even more impressive, right?
And then you're going to launch into the story that was similar, but you're trying to outdo them.
them. Exactly. Or I had it way worse or way better when that happened to me.
Yeah, it's interesting.
Sometimes we're one upping in a way of saying something was good.
But sometimes people want to be in competition for how bad something is.
Yes, I feel like that's even more common. I'm so busy.
I'm so tired. Yeah, absolutely.
Or like if you're in a car accident, and you share the story, you may have someone say like, you could, you know, that does sound terrible but you can't believe the accident i was in last year exactly um or you could say that reminds me of the time i and then you launch into a bigger story yeah and this one's more subtle right because often someone will tell a story and we'll transition we'll share something about ourselves so we might not even notice we're doing it if we then share a very similar story that was is a little more impressive, or a little scarier, that also is one upping.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Or when I went there, it was way more intense.
So maybe there was, maybe you were going to the Grand Canyon, and the heat was, it was, it was really hot.
And then you say, well, when I went there, it was actually 110 degrees, right?
Exactly, right. So let's talk briefly about this.
When you're comparing experiences, how does this hurt the connection?
And really, what should we be doing instead?
Because we often talk about, yes, connect, share what you have in common, share about common experiences.
But this is sort of a subtle way that does that, that hurts the connection.
It doesn't feel good to have someone one up you.
It really really undermines your experience right right right exactly um yeah that you you don't want to make somebody because it feels like you're not hearing the person it feels like you're just excited to tell your story um and you're always in competition and that feels very childish to me i mean my son is always like now oh i'm older than this person or i'm this and that's yeah he's six right but we don't want to do that as adults exactly and it is fascinating how often this still happens as adults and and the person talking doesn't even realize they're doing it right you really don't even
notice until someone does it to you and it feels like you said michelle you feel like they're not listening or they don't care or they're wanting it's just to sort of brag about something about themselves so this really hurts the connection because you leave with this feeling of they don't really care to connect with me.
They only care to tell me what they have done that's impressive.
It's pretty common. And I think it's really important to watch out for in conversations.
But here's what's tricky.
You do want to connect over common experiences.
If you have traveled to the same place or had a similar experience, you will want to share that.
So how would we do that in a different way?
That's not one upping.
What do you think, Michelle?
shell. Um, is this number two or are we talking about, no, just kind of like, so in general, my idea, uh, I think just saying, um, you know, I, um, yeah, I think commenting more on their situation is good saying like, Oh yeah.
Wow. That's, that's incredible.
I also had this experience and that I just want to share, right.
Just making sure that you really comment and give that person the attention that they deserve with what they say.
Yes, exactly. I think that's exactly right, right?
You're wanting to ask follow -up questions and comment on what they did and express that you're impressed, that it's amazing, right?
The trick, I think, is to not immediately pivot to something about yourself, right?
We talk about not being a monster.
You don't want to immediately pull attention back to yourself.
And the way you do that is to ask follow -up questions, ask them more about what happened to them and their their experience.
And the only way to do that really is to actually care.
If you really care about the connection with the person, you're going to want to know more details.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
That's, I think that's a really good point.
Not pivoting immediately to yourself, giving that person the time and the space, um, that's going to keep the connection guys before we move on to the next wave of bragging.
Uh, so, uh, we want to remind you that Lindsay is actually coming back.
Uh, I don't think we said that.
So we want to let you know that we, Aubrey and I are recording together and we're happy to be together, but we're also letting know that Lindsay will be back in the next couple episodes.
So we're excited for her to come back as well.
Yes, absolutely. Never fear.
It's always fun when we get to join each other, but Lindsay will be back next week.
That's right. All right, let's jump into number two, which is subtle bragging.
So we might use phrases like not to brag, but, and then we launch into, you know, bragging about ourselves.
And so, this is assuming as well that someone else has shared maybe an achievement, an accomplishment, and then we're immediately pivoting to ourselves to one -up what they have done.
Or it's funny, people always say, I'm the best at that.
That to me, that doesn't sound too subtle to me.
No, this is a little less subtle, right?
Yeah, a little less subtle.
This is interesting.
If someone shares something they did well, This is interesting to think about too, because if someone shares with you an achievement, an accomplishment, they already might feel a little awkward about that.
They're excited to share with you this exciting thing for them, but they're probably a little worried that they sound like they're bragging.
And so this, I think it's going to be even more important for you to show that you care, that you're happy for them, that you're excited for them.
I think the worst thing you could do would be to immediately one -up them like, oh, I got a similar award a couple of years ago.
And then especially if you're sharing how it was actually even better.
Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
Or I didn't even study and still got this top score.
Oh, that's annoying.
That's the worst, right?
You're sharing you're excited about your exam results and then someone's like, Oh, I got a better score and I didn't even study.
Imagine. That's the worst. Yeah.
Or everyone always comes to meet for help with that.
So saying that you're the best one for the job, maybe not this person, right?
And that's not going to be good for connection.
Exactly. If someone is sharing that they have knowledge about something or a particular skill, instead of like celebrating that with them and sharing that you're excited, that you think that's awesome.
If you instead share that you also know a lot about that, or people often ask you about that.
It's similar, right?
It's going to hurt the connection because the person you're talking to will feel like you don't really care about this connection.
Yeah. Yeah. Should we go into the third wave?
Yes. Let's do it. Status boosting.
Ooh. So what is that, Aubrey?
Yeah, this is interesting.
So this one I feel like is often a little more subtle.
So if, for example, you're sharing that you love a restaurant, right, you love the menu at a restaurant and someone's like, oh, I actually know the owner, then it's interesting.
This is kind of a subtle way to give yourself more status.
Yeah. And it's hard because maybe you are truly excited about that.
I mean, and you should share things in your life.
So it's hard. Yeah, it is really tricky.
I mean, I think if you're not doing it all the time, right, if you're not known for always saying, oh, I know this one, I know that one.
Or this next example is we stayed at the private villa, not the regular resort.
So, listen, I think.
It's OK to share pieces of your life, but I think that like even if something special is happening, you know someone.
Right. But if you become known for this, I think that's where the issue is.
Right. It's what is the intent, right?
If your intent is to connect, we talked about this a lot here.
And to get to know people, then it's even if you do share something, sure.
Oh, I know the owner.
That's awesome, right?
It doesn't feel like you're doing it in order to impress, in order to boost your status.
us. This second one, if someone's sharing that they traveled somewhere and they went to this resort and then you share, oh, we had a private villa there instead of the regular resort.
You can see how this immediately takes the wind out of their sails.
This is a fun idiom.
It like sort of deflates their excitement for what they were sharing with you.
If you're sharing, oh, I did something similar, but better.
Yes. Yes, exactly. So what's another thing?
Yeah. And then the last one here.
If you're sharing maybe that you read a book that you're excited about, and instead of, you know, asking follow -up questions and sharing your excitement, someone says like, oh yeah, I read that book when I was younger, twice actually.
They're just, it's really all about are you immediately pulling attention back to yourself or are you trying to deepen the connection by finding out more about your friend by asking follow -up questions?
predictions. Exactly.
Or yeah, I've had that or I've known about that for a year.
Is it saying, you know, if somebody tells you they just found out about something, and then you're just, you just kind of Yeah, again, you take the wind out of their sails.
It's like, Oh, yeah, I already knew that whatever, you know?
Yeah, I've definitely had this happen to me.
I'll share with someone either about a TV show or maybe a product I found on Amazon.
I'm super excited about it.
And if they're like, Oh, I've known about that for years, you're immediately just feel like small, right?
Like, I was so excited.
I thought it was new.
But I have also had the experience where someone, I share it, they already know about it, but they still instead will respond like, yes, it's amazing.
I tried it. It's so cool.
And they share in your excitement.
So a lot of it's the tone.
It's the words we're using instead of highlighting that we've done something bigger or better or knew about something longer.
Instead, we're just highlighting the shared excitement.
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All right, let's do a role play here.
We're going to show two different ways.
The first is with one -upping.
This is the less effective version.
And then we'll show the same roleplay better, right?
What it would look like without one upping.
You want to start us out?
Here we go. All right.
You won't believe the week I just had.
I was in Sacramento for a design conference.
They really wined and dined us fancy dinners every night.
Oh, I can top that.
I went to a conference in Vegas last month and they flew in Maine lobster for the welcome dinner.
Wow. Okay. Fancy. Did I tell you I was on a panel?
I was nervous, but I feel like I went went pretty well.
Nice job. The last time I was on a panel, the head of a big agency pulled me aside after and asked me to freelance on a global rebrand.
It was amazing. This one makes me want to vomit.
I'm sorry. It's so painful.
It's fascinating. And it's interesting because there's nothing wrong with sharing this information about yourself, but it's how it's done to immediately pull attention to yourself to immediately pivot without asking any follow -up questions feels it's so harmful for the connection it feels very rude yeah oh my gosh that is let's share a better option michelle let's share the better version that one made me feel icky should go yes okay um you won't believe the week i just had i went to sacramento for a design conference they really whined and dined us.
Fancy dinners every night.
That sounds amazing.
What kind of dinners did they treat you to?
Oh, all kinds. One night was farm to table.
Another was this really upscale Italian place.
Oh, and I was on a panel too.
I was nervous, but I feel like it went pretty well.
That is awesome. Congrats.
What was the panel about?
Oh, it was about sustainable branding, how to keep a strong visual identity while being environmentally conscious.
The audience had some great questions.
Oh, that's such a relevant topic right now.
How did you prepare for it?
Oh, lots of practice and some late nights, tweaking slides.
Honestly, it paid off.
It felt great once I was up there.
I bet. Do you think you'd do more speaking events like that in the future?
Okay. Oh, this is so much better.
And it's really interesting.
A few things to look at here.
First of all, this is about you, right?
You've had this exciting, interesting experience.
I care about the connection with you.
So I'm not saying anything about myself.
I'm just wanting more details.
I'm interested. What a different feeling, what a different tone.
And after this conversation, our connection would be deeper.
Right. Exactly. Exactly.
Because you were just asking me questions.
Now, if you did want to throw in, you know, the, uh, I mean, because it's fair.
I mean, if you want to share your, your experience as well, it's not saying you can't just give that person that time.
And then maybe you would say, you know, if I said, if like if we extended this and you said do you think you'd do more speaking events in the future i might say oh i don't know and then maybe i here is where i think now the responsibility shifts to me a little bit um because you just listened to me you were kind you were engaged and if and then i could say something like oh do you ever do speaking for work or when is the last time have you had any work conferences lately right so i think kind of that once you've given me that time I'm in space, it's nice to also the other person take some responsibility
and say, okay, like I've had my moment in the sun. Absolutely.
Right. That's often how a conversation like this would go instead of immediately pivoting to myself.
I'm asking you, I'm interested, want details.
And then I agree there.
You could bring me in and ask, you know, Oh, what about you?
Have you, you're going to ask something about similar experiences or, or how's work going lately, something broader and more open absolutely to like give me the opportunity to then share about myself yeah awesome oh my gosh i love this so aubrey what's the takeaway for today would you say yeah one -upping i think is a surefire way to kill connection we feel i loved how you said i felt icky after these conversations where someone's one -upping nobody feels good or maybe some people aren't aware they're one -upping but the person who is being outdone it doesn't feel They don't feel like the person really
cares about them or is really interested in them.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
So this is this is really, really helpful.
That's going to not break that connection.
That's going to make people feel heard and want to connect with you more.
So that's good. Aubrey, do we want to let our listeners know about another episode?
Oh, yes. So there's a recent episode, Allers English 2442 that Lindsay and I recorded, avoid the wall of formality with this future grammar. This is similar, like this often, it's your grammar that can help you build connection, remove that formality that sort of creates the coldness between you.
So interesting. All right, Aubrey, well, this was fun.
Thanks for chatting about this with us today.
And guys, Guys, thank you so much for listening.
Yes, and avoid being a one -upper.
It's usually not a good idea.
All right. Thanks, Michelle.
All right. Bye, Aubrey.
Bye, guys. Bye. Thanks for listening to All Ears English.
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