This is an All Ears English podcast episode 2084.
Have you heard the term rent-free in English?
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What is a modern and native way to say that someone or something is taking up too much space in your mind?
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Hey, Michelle, how's everything going?
Good.
Lindsay, how are you?
Great.
Feeling great.
What are we talking about today?
Well, do you ever have trouble with thoughts that cycle around in your head?
Oh my gosh, yes.
Of course.
Who doesn't?
Honestly, who doesn't?
Some people have them more than others, I think.
But yes, I do.
What about you, Michelle?
Yeah, I mean, it can happen.
I think it's gotten a little bit better recently.
I try not to ruminate on things.
But yeah, it can happen.
I mean, Lindsay, what kinds of things stick with you?
Is it more work stuff or personal stuff or both?
Do you find that there's a pattern, lot of work, stuff.
But on the personal side, if i feel like i've offended someone or hurt someone in some way, that really sticks with me, that really digs at me?
Um, i hate that.
Like if i've said something that made someone feel bad, i inadvertently and i didn't know it right uh, that will.
I will ruminate about that and I'll feel like I need to make sure I apologize.
That kind of thing sticks with me for sure.
Yeah, yeah.
No, I can be a similar.
I think we're similar in that way.
Yeah, for sure.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So guys, we're going to get into a really good listener question dealing with this topic today.
But before we do that, we want to remind you to hit follow wherever you're listening to us on All Ears English, so that you never miss anything.
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Good stuff.
Exactly.
Love it.
All right, so we do have a listener question today and this is from Akira and it's on Spotify.
So Lindsay, could you read the question for us?
Yeah, and I love by the way that Spotify now lets you ask questions, right?
So we have an open question option open for you guys.
Anytime you want.
You can just type in an episode idea, a question that you have, and we will do our best, if it's a good question, to feature it.
And this one was a good question.
So here it is from Akira.
Lindsay and Michelle, lovely podcasters.
I've been listening to you for two years.
Yay.
Amazing, Akira.
Yes.
And I want to ask you about this expression.
This X, like blank, the thing lives in my mind rent-free.
Thanks in advance and a little heart.
Thank you, Akira.
That is a great question.
Thank you for listening.
I love that.
And I'm so glad Akira asked this because it's very modern.
Right, Michelle?
Yeah, it's very, very modern.
I don't think that we would have heard this even five, 10 years ago.
I don't know.
Yeah, probably it's come up in the last three years or so, three to five years.
Wouldn't you say?
I think so.
Yeah.
I think so too.
Um, and also to direct you guys, if you want to speak more English, okay.
Listen to Allers English episode 2066 is three ways to speak more English.
So another great one.
Um, but let's get into it.
So apparently, this expression can be used in a couple ways, but I'm going to focus us on one particular way that I hear the most.
And I have a feeling it's the same one for both of us.
Um, I think of it being a negative expression.
Well, if you say something lives in your mind, rent free.
Or don't let something live in your mind, rent free.
It's like referring to something you can't get out of your head.
And in a, I mean, you can use it in a positive way.
You could but.
But I feel like it has kind of a negative, like yeah, because you're saying rent free.
It's not, there's, it's not giving you anything.
It's not paying anything.
So it's just there doing nothing and kind of being detrimental.
What do you think?
Totally 100, that's how i interpret this phrase.
Right, it's not adding any value, it's not paying its way.
Right, it doesn't have any use.
It's just.
I love this expression it's gnawing at you.
It's gnawing at you.
That's a bonus phrase for today.
Yes.
What does that even mean to gnaw at you?
Gnaw.
And I would challenge our listeners, even more interesting is how do you spell that word?
Oh my gosh, good luck.
It actually is spelled with a G. G-N-A-W.
So if I think of like a dog gnawing on their bone, it's biting at you.
Yeah, you're right.
It's getting very clear making an image.
But yeah, Michelle, what do you think of when you think of gnaw?
Yeah, exactly.
Like a dog and a bone, right?
But if something is gnawing at you, it's like you can't, it's eating, it's eating away at you.
It's bothering you.
Eating away.
We're going to get some good expressions out of today's episode.
I'm so excited.
That's why our listeners really should have the iOS or Android app today, right?
You guys need to know we do have an app for all ears English.
You can listen to every episode there, but then the added value over there is that you get to see the transcripts.
Tap on keywords and save them.
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Save them to your personal power list.
Let's keep going.
So I think we conveyed the point.
Like this idea, this thing, this memory or this, whatever it is, is living in your head, not adding value.
It's just kind of hurting you a little bit.
Yeah.
And you know what's interesting?
I looked into this expression a little bit and there was an article at allthings.how.
And so that was by Bola Sahana from February 26, 2022.
And what's interesting is rent-free... it says that it was meant as an insult.
And actually, it says in 1999, Ann Landers, you know Ann Landers?
I don't actually.
She's a famous advice columnist.
Oh, okay.
That wrote this idea that the beginning of using rent-free kind of came from... this Ann Landers.
It says.
However, the writer's use of the phrase was meant to advise the inflicted and insult the inflictor.
I love that.
I love that.
Yeah.
And what year was that?
Do you know when?
It says 1999.
Okay.
Yeah.
It wrote something that actually maybe she didn't actually write Rent Free, but she wrote something that like inspired it.
Yeah, for sure.
She kind of moved the trend of that phrase away from... You said it was an insult before?
Something like that?
Yeah well, it says Okay.
If I just read it, it says hanging on to resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.
Landers used rent-free as a way that instantly made us think of all the times we held on to hate and revenge.
This was possibly the first time rent-free was used to denote thoughts and thinking.
Okay.
Eventually, when it made it online, people used it as an insult in the framework of resentment.
So guys, you can go ahead.
We gave you the name for this article.
It was what does friend rent free slang mean and how to use it, so you can read more into it, how it was made um, who developed it, who inspired it, things like that.
Yeah, it is kind of cool, you know.
If you're like a columnist or a writer or just any kind of icon, you can create new phrases that didn't exist before or change the meaning of them.
It's pretty cool, Right.
Exactly.
Exactly.
So, but basically, the idea of how it's used now is, you know just something?
It's taking up space, taking up space, and it's not, it shouldn't.
So let's do some examples.
So first off, I feel like it's a lot of times used maybe about a person.
So, for example, don't let her live in your mind rent free.
She was so mean to you and she's not worth it.
Right.
So this could be a context.
Could be maybe you had a business partner that things didn't go well and now you're really still concerned about the situation and everything's over, but you're still obsessing about it.
Or it could be a breakup, like someone you had dated and then they just ghosted you and then you obsess over them for many years or many months.
Can you think of any other scenarios, Michelle, where that this might, I mean, the two that come to mind is business partnership or just like a friend that kind of, became a friendship, a friendship that went sour that, you know, maybe you, you, you think over it too much and you know, it's, it's not, it's, you have to let something go.
Yeah.
So, um, do you want me to read the second sentence here?
Second example.
She let her toxic relationship with her roommate live in her mind, rent free for way too long.
Ooh, that's tough.
Roommates are really tough because you know, when you go home, it should be your safe space.
Yes.
And if you don't feel totally safe I don't mean physically safe, like emotionally safe, or things are just not good with your roommate it really messes up things big time.
You have to relax.
Yeah.
I mean, I think I've told you I had a very negative experience.
So I know how it feels.
It's very uncomfortable to go home to where you live and feel... not relaxed and feel on edge.
It's really, really uncomfortable.
I've had my days with roommates too.
Yes, I know exactly what you're talking.
So these are good examples.
Roommates, business partners, friends, partner, like romantic partners.
These are all examples of people that could live rent free in your mind.
Yes, exactly.
All right Michelle, let's keep talking about this, because this is kind of going into like a bigger topic around mental health, the awareness of mental health in our culture.
Right.
And also I'm wondering if that I mean, because apparently this, you know, rent free, or the idea of it has been around for quite some time.
But I think that it's become more popular to use it just maybe in the past two years, because there has been kind of a shift in the look at mental health in our culture.
What do you think?
Oh, my gosh.
One hundred percent.
There's been kind of a renaissance in a way.
I'm not sure if that's the right word, but there's been a resurgence or something, not really a resurgence an awakening in our culture to realize it's okay like we all have minds, we all struggle with our own things in our heads and it is okay to admit, if you need to work with a therapist right, it's super common or just to talk about like things you're struggling with, things you're anxious about.
We now realize as a culture and i think the pandemic did something.
Yeah, I think so too.
I was going to say.
And also the awakening of like online therapy companies like BetterHelp, for example.
We're not sponsored by BetterHelp, but you know, Talkspace is another one, I think, where you can actually go online and have a therapist online.
Now that's really changed in the last few years too.
Right.
So I think just this idea, like these kinds of expressions I mean I'm sure there are other ones, but like I just think, in general, talking about mental health has become, There's been I don't know.
There's still Unfortunately, I think there's still a stigma, but I think people are trying to end that more than in the past.
I think, yeah.
And I think the stigma in my experience is still lingering more in my parents' generation rather than our generation.
I think millennials doing it like they're really like, they're a lot of millennials that i know are really modern and they, they realize it like, they admit when they're vulnerable and they're struggling with something.
When i talk to like, my parents and my parents friends, it's the idea of going to therapy is a no-go, like a non-starter.
Yeah, so that's interesting.
Yeah, it is interesting.
Yeah, i've.
I mean even yeah, i find that if i talk to friends like, sometimes they'll just be like oh, i was with my therapist, you know it's like nothing.
Oh yeah yes, you know it just doesn't.
You know people will just throw out the word and yes, it's totally different.
So yeah, i mean lindsay, what do you do where?
So we're talking about like things living and your mind run free.
Is there anything you do to let go of negative thoughts?
I mean, i know you're big into meditation.
Does that help?
Meditation helps for sure.
Um, a regular meditation practice, the meditation group that i sit with every two weeks helps um, During the workday if I'm struggling, not so much negative thoughts like, not so much ruminate.
We're talking about rumination today, right?
Ruminating.
But when I'm just struggling with a challenge that I can't figure out more like problem solving, I'll go for a walk.
So physical movement, that really makes a difference.
What about you, Michelle?
What do you do?
Like what's your go-to? what's my go-to if something's oh well the worst is when it would happen at night and then yeah like when when you're in bed thinking about it and then what are you gonna do um but yeah the best thing for me has been to get up and move around um I but I agree with what you say about physical movement I always feel better after I've even just gone for a walk just changed my scenery oh my gosh huge It's amazing.
It's crazy what it can do.
And it's kind of counterintuitive, right?
Because you think, I have to sit here, hunker down, figure this out.
But actually getting away from where you are changing the air you're breathing.
Get some fresh air.
It makes a huge difference.
Yeah.
Yeah, I agree.
I agree.
So let's talk about some related expressions.
So the first one is taking up too much space in your head.
Yes.
Yes. you could say something like Stacy is taking up too much space in his head.
He needs to move on.
Yep.
Totally.
So that one is just, it's saying really the same thing.
It's just.
It's just wordier wordier, you know um, or to be stuck on something.
You know.
She was stuck on the conversation she had with her boss.
It really left her, it left her really sour.
Right.
And that's a great bonus word for today too.
Sour.
What does that mean? it's like this like bad feeling to have a bad feeling you know like when you have a lemon and you make a face like it's like to have that feeling totally yeah exactly sour sour and then what's another one maybe you're a little resentful too resentful it's Yeah, it's a special kind of feeling for sure.
Maybe we'll do another episode on, I don't know, how food relates to feelings or something.
I think we have done that episode because I'm doing it again and then I look and then we've done it.
So I think we did like sweet and sour.
Okay, we've done it.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
It's so exciting when you think of one and then it's like, wow, we really have quite the catalog.
Guys, go back into the catalog.
There are some real gems back there.
Go and find them.
Exactly.
So another thing you could say is to keep replaying something in your head.
So you could say, I keep replaying what happened over and over in my head.
I think I'll meditate and try and stop it.
Yes.
Good.
OK, let's do a role play, shall we?
All right.
So here we go.
We are friends.
And you were telling me about you were talking to me about a friendship that I lost.
So something happened with my friendship.
Not friends anymore.
OK, here we go.
I'm just so bummed.
We were best friends.
I keep replaying our last fight over and over in my head.
I know i'm so sorry.
The thing is she's taking up too much space in your head.
She doesn't deserve that.
I know i'm stuck on the whole thing.
Well, don't let her.
Don't let her live in your mind, rent free.
You deserve better.
Thanks, it's true.
I mean sometimes, typically we think about relationships that go bad, but this can happen with friends too, sometimes.
Oh yeah.
Have you ever had something with a friend like where you went through a rough?
Yeah.
You know, I had a situation where I think I I thought there was a problem, but it turns out there wasn't.
It's just that we kind of had lost touch.
And after many years, she kind of reconnected.
We haven't fully reconnected, but she let me know that there's nothing wrong, like we're fine.
So that's the other thing.
If you let something live rent free in your head, it could be you have the wrong idea.
Yeah.
Right.
And you can start almost like making up stories.
Like, oh, maybe this happened.
Oh, maybe it's because of this.
And you realize it's actually not that true.
It's personal.
It's people's lives get busy and things change, you know?
So yeah, this has happened to me before, for sure.
Yeah.
Let's go through this here, Michelle, for our listeners.
Yeah.
Okay.
What do we say?
So here we go.
So I said, I keep replaying our last fight over and over in my head.
Yeah, so replaying over and over.
And the reason I love the rent-free thing is just easier to say it because all these other examples are just they're long right.
Because you said, I know, I'm sorry.
The thing is, she's taking up too much space in your head.
Yes, that's fine.
That means the same thing, right?
And I said, I'm stuck on the whole thing.
And then I dropped the phrase of the day, right?
Don't let her live in your mind, rent-free.
Good.
Yes.
This was a good one.
Lindsay, I love our listener asking this question.
This is such a current expression.
We talked today about culture, how things have changed, mental health.
This led us down a whole path of expressions, but so much more than that.
So, guys, we hope that no one is living in your mind rent-free who shouldn't be there.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, 100%.
Yeah, no, this is it, right?
Don't give people too much space.
Only give people the space that they deserve.
That's one thing I think I'm learning as I get a little bit older, is life is short.
You know, just keep the good people in and the toxic people out.
I think that's a good method to do it, right?
And I also love our cultural change that we've seen in the last five years is coming around to addressing our needs inside and outside right
Our minds and our bodies and It's not just about how much money we make.
It's about how do we feel?
Do we feel healthy?
Are we good?
If not, let's reach out and use our resources, right?
Love it.
Okay.
Well, on that note, all right, we will talk to you guys on the next episode and have a very happy day.
All right, Michelle, take care.
Bye.
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