Hello and welcome to or welcome back to Trying Not To Care.
If you're new here, my name's Ashley and I upload almost every Monday.
Right now, I'm currently pre-recording episodes, because when you're listening to this one, I will be just getting back from my solo cruise to Mexico.
But when I'm recording this right now, I haven't gone yet.
I leave for my cruise this Sunday.
I'm recording this on Thursday.
I'm also recording in my car right now because, if you don't know, I have a new puppy and it is just really hard to record if I'm being really honest with three dogs.
So, as she's napping, I was like let me just go out to my car and record this episode, because So we are in the car.
I am sweating because I have my air off so you don't hear the air going.
But before I sail away this Sunday, I wanted to record a little QA, but specifically for the anxious girls, because
Hi, I'm an anxious girl.
Despite being anxious for the majority of my life though, I feel like I've learned to deal with my anxiety pretty well, especially as someone who, at one point, didn't have any way of coping with it.
I used to let my anxiety absolutely consume me.
And because of that I would make really really poor and I would miss out on really big, amazing opportunities.
And I just really let my anxiety take over my life.
But I'm at a place now where I can say that yes, I still have anxiety.
I'm still an anxious girl.
But I have come a long way and I can definitely give you some tips to cope with your anxiety.
So if you're a chronic overthinker or you're super anxious, this episode is for you.
But before we dive in, make sure to follow me on my social media to see more self-improvement content as well as my recap for my cruise.
Also for upcoming q and a's.
I usually ask my story, what type of episodes you want, what advice you need.
So i will have my tiktok and my instagram linked in the show notes.
Also, merch is still available.
That's also in the show notes.
Now let's get into today's episode.
Quick interruption before we get into the episode.
When I was editing this, I realized there's this loud staticky noise that pops up throughout the episode.
Not the entire episode, but like here and there.
And it is kind of loud.
I think when I was recording, my phone just got too close to the mic and it makes this weird noise, wild sound, and I just wanted to throw that disclaimer out there in case you're listening and you think that it's your phone or your car and something's gonna blow up.
It's not, or if it does, it's not because of the sound.
The sound is me so.
So sorry about that, but it's a really good episode and I hope you enjoy it.
So let's just get right into it.
How do you tell the difference between intuition and anxiety?
I actually did an entire episode a while ago on this topic.
I'll put that in the show notes as well if you want to hear like a long take on that.
But this is something that I've definitely struggled with and I mean, I think I still struggle with it, a little bit at least.
But It can be really hard to tell the difference between anxiety and intuition because both can feel like this gut feeling of like I just know this is what's going to happen.
I just know something doesn't feel right.
But When I take a step back and analyze past thoughts of mine, or even in the moment when I'm struggling with something, there's usually a clear difference between.
This is just how I feel, and this is how I feel because I'm overthinking and I'm coming up with scenarios in my head and I'm making myself feel bad about this thing.
Intuition kind of just comes to you.
It's almost this calm, just knowing, knowing whether this person doesn't feel right.
The situation doesn't feel right.
And then anxiety is more of a feeling that is an afterthought.
Think about a time where You've met someone's new friend and you just kind of have this feeling of they're not a good person and they're giving you this bad energy, but you don't know anything about them.
You haven't had any time to figure out who they are.
You just have this feeling.
And then eventually it comes out to be that you were right.
And you're like, that was my gut feeling like I knew it.
And then anxiety would be a situation where let's say that you like someone, but then you sit around and you think about what if they cheat on me?
What if they lie to me?
What if they aren't who they say they are?
And you think yourself into a bad mood and you start to feel different about that person.
And then you have this feeling of maybe they're not my person.
Maybe I don't like them.
It didn't just come to you.
You didn't just feel that way.
You feel that way because you thought yourself into feeling that way.
Another way that I'm able to tell the two apart is intuition for me feels calm And it also kind of feels neutral.
I don't have a strong emotion attached to it.
It's just this sureness where anxiety is unsureness.
It's this uncertainty which feels scary and it feels heavy.
Intuition usually gives me clarity whereas anxiety does the total opposite.
It has me second guessing myself and makes me afraid that I'm going to make the wrong decision or mess up in some way.
This episode is sponsored by Whatnot.
I'm going on a cruise to Mexico, so I've been shopping for clothing and accessories to wear while I'm there, but I didn't want to spend a lot of money.
But I still wanted to get nice items and some of my top brands, and I struck gold on Whatnot.
Whatnot is the one live shopping app in the US where you get to watch sellers live and talk to them in real time.
You can ask them about their products.
You can ask them to show you the products up close and you bid for the items, so you always get them at a great price.
I just bought two pairs of Prada sunglasses on Whatnot and I had so much fun in the live.
I was chatting back and forth with the seller and we're like cracking jokes while bidding.
It was just such a good experience.
The sunglasses came in so quickly and they're such good quality.
I'm so excited to wear them on my cruise.
I really love Whatnot and I can't recommend shopping on there enough.
You should definitely check it out.
Download the Whatnot app today and get free shipping on your first order.
Just search W-H-A-T-N-O-T Whatnot in the App Store and start scoring amazing deals.
So if you're struggling with distinguishing the two, the next time that you feel yourself stuck, I would just ask yourself do I feel like I'm in a panic?
Do I feel distressed?
And do I feel more sure or do I feel more unsure?
I also think it's just important to listen to yourself and do what you think is best for you and not get so caught up in the what ifs, which I know is hard to do.
But you shouldn't let uncertainty or the fear of the unknown hold you back from what might be meant for you and what you actually want to do.
But like you're afraid to do because you're overthinking everything,
How do you calm yourself down in the moment when anxiety spikes?
For me, I think being aware of my triggers is super helpful.
I get more anxious when I'm not aware of what's making me anxious, when I'm feeling very panicky or I'm feeling upset or I'm overstimulated and I don't know why.
That leads me to be like, am I having a heart attack?
Is something bad going to happen?
What's going on?
So having some kind of knowledge of what's causing me to feel that way, I do think helps.
It helps me feel more in control of myself and even the situation, even though I know that I'm not entirely in control of the situation.
For example, I know that I tend to get anxious when I'm in large crowds, when I'm not familiar with my surroundings, when it's super loud, when I haven't eaten enough, when I'm dehydrated.
Those are my triggers.
So let's say that I'm in a large crowd and I'm feeling anxious.
Instead of being like, oh my God, what's going on with me?
I'm able to look at myself and be like, okay, did you eat enough?
Did you drink enough water?
Are you overstimulated right now?
Do you have to go to a quiet area?
Being able to check in with myself and kind of clock my triggers makes me feel more in control and it gives me a better way of handling my anxiety, rather than being completely oblivious and just allowing my anxiety to consume me.
With that, I also think having your own personal ways to combat anxiety is super helpful too.
Being on medication helps a lot of people.
Some people don't really want to go that route.
There's some people that love to have their pendulum on them, which makes them feel less anxious.
Whereas if I were to smoke, that actually gives me more anxiety.
So I know that's not going to help me figure out what makes you feel your best or relieves your anxiety the most.
For me again, it's making sure that I'm eating food, making sure that I'm drinking water, focusing on my breathing, having some type of plan in place for when I'm feeling anxious.
Having somewhere to go, having a quiet space to go to, having someone to talk to whether it's the person that I'm with or being able to call Josh or text one of my friends.
EFT tapping has been very helpful for me just to slow down and reset my body.
If I'm home and I have anxiety, I like to sit down and pet my dogs.
I know that listening to music is really helpful.
You just need to find what works best for you.
And also just have grace with yourself.
I know that when you're struggling with anxiety or anything mental, it can be really frustrating and discouraging.
And you want to be hard on yourself and be like, why do you feel this way?
You're being so dramatic.
It's not that serious.
It's not that deep.
But being mean to yourself and making yourself feel bad about being human is never going to make you feel better.
Just like if your friend was struggling with anxiety or they were crying or they were having a bad day.
You're not going to look at them and say get over it.
You're being dramatic to try to make them feel better.
You're going to be there for them.
You're going to be supportive of them.
You're going to be uplifting and you're not going to rush them.
You can't expect yourself to be okay immediately and just feel better.
I found for myself when I do try to rush the process, I actually feel worse.
So just go easy on yourself.
Try to be understanding and be kind to yourself when you're struggling with your anxiety.
How do you stop overthinking something that you can't control?
Again, being aware of what it is that you're upset about and having the ability to recognize that it's something that you can't control is going to help you immensely.
For example, in the past with my ex-boyfriends.
Whenever these guys would break up with me or they would cheat on me or just do unspeakable things, things that were terrible to me, i thought i had the power to change their mind about me, how they felt about me, how they felt about our relationship.
I thought i could change their behavior just by me sending a couple hundred texts to them or being nice to them or being overly sexual, or just Doing everything in my power to be the perfect girlfriend, the best partner, the best whatever for them.
I tried everything that I could do to make myself seem like the best option and try to make them want me.
And I just wish that I could go back in time and tell little high school Ashley You can't make somebody want you.
You can't make someone love you.
You can't make someone like you.
You can't make someone be a good person.
You can't change how they behave.
And although that is kind of a hard thing to come to terms with, especially when you want things to work out with this person so badly, you want them to love you, you want them to like you, you want them to respect you, you want them to be a good person.
So it is kind of comforting being like, oh, I've done everything that I can do.
And if they don't want me, they don't want me.
So why spend any more of my time and energy? on this person.
If I can't change it, why am I losing sleep over this person?
There's no point in driving myself mad and doing all these things when it's just not meant to be.
They're not meant to be in my life.
They're not meant to be my person and that's okay.
It's like the spilled milk saying, don't cry over spilled milk.
When you spill milk, there's nothing that you can do about it.
You can't make it magically go back into the carton.
You can't go back in time and avoid spilling the milk.
All you can do is clean up the milk that you spilled.
The only thing in your power is cleaning up the mess.
I think learning to stop fixating on what you can't control and putting more of your energy into what you can control is how you get your power back.
It's how you stop feeling so bad and feeling so worthless or feeling useless or that you're powerless.
When you fixate on the things that you can't control, you feel weak.
When you focus on the things that you can control, you feel powerful.
This was something that I was actually struggling with the other night.
So usually when I'm falling asleep, that's when my mind starts racing.
That's when I'm going over everything that I didn't complete throughout the day, things that fell through the cracks, something that upset me, something that I was upset about three years ago.
You know how it goes.
So the other night I'm in bed.
I'm just... fixated on this one situation that really upset me and I couldn't turn my mind off.
But since I've learned to cope with my anxiety and I've learned ways to redirect my thoughts, I was able to clock what was happening and be like okay, this isn't productive.
Let's think of something that makes me feel good.
So, instead of replaying the situation over and over in my head, I intentionally thought of things that make me feel happy, things that I'm looking forward to, things that I've done really well, just things that make me feel good, rather than this one thing that makes me feel bad.
One thing that I really struggled with growing up was other people's perception of me.
I think when you have a fallout with someone, or even when you're just young and you're in middle school or you're in high school and people are spreading rumors about you, you just want to do everything in your power to change people's minds about you and to tell them that They're wrong about you and those rumors aren't true about you.
It is so stressful and it is so exhausting trying to change people's minds about you.
At the end of the day, you can't make somebody like you.
You can do everything right and they can still dislike you.
You could be the most kind, the most giving, the most thoughtful.
You can be the best person ever, and they can still decide to them.
You are the worst person ever.
So, instead of trying to control how people perceive you, spend more of your time working on being a good person, work on your character, work on the things that you can control, like giving back to other people, being kind to other people.
That's something that i wish i could go back and tell myself.
Stop worrying so much about whether or not people think you're a good person, and worry more about if you are a good person.
You can't control the way people see you, but you can control the person that you are.
So I guess the point that I'm trying to make is, when you're overthinking a situation that you can't control, redirect your thinking to something that you can control.
I'm not saying that you should just think positively and to be like everything's going to work out for me, because that's not going to make you feel better.
What's going to make you feel better is finding things that you can do that are in your control, even if that's just going to grab a coffee or going for a walk to move your body, or putting a load of laundry in the washer, or washing your face or sending a nice message to one of your friends.
All things that you have autonomy over.
This episode is sponsored by better help.
One thing that i think people don't talk about enough is the mental impact that financial stress has on us.
Money often brings up a lot of anxiety.
It can make you super depressed.
You can even lose sleep over it.
I remember working at my old job and i was always stressing about money.
I just felt like i was failing because of the number in my bank account And I wish I can go back in time and tell myself that I was not failing.
And I wish that I had someone to talk to about the stress that I was feeling like a therapist.
And luckily with BetterHelp, you can.
BetterHelp is therapy done entirely online.
BetterHelp does the initial matching for you, so you can focus on your therapy goals.
You just fill out a brief questionnaire identifying your needs and preferences, and then BetterHelp will match you with the right therapist.
But if you're not happy with that therapist, you can switch at any time.
Therapy isn't about financial advice, but it can definitely be used as a tool to manage your stress or the money shame that you have.
It can help you better understand why you have so much anxiety around your finances and how to build a better relationship with your money, and that is something that would have definitely helped me and honestly, would help me.
Now, When life feels overwhelming, therapy can help.
Sign up and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com slash TNTC.
That's BetterHelp.com slash TNTC.
How do you handle anxiety before social events?
No matter how confident I become, I will always be anxious before any type of event.
Like.
I'm the type of person that if I'm not there 10, 15 minutes early, I'm freaking out and I have so much anxiety because I want to be prepared, I want to make sure that I have enough time to get myself together mentally before walking into a party or a work event.
But for me the anxiety is mostly leading up to the event rather than at it, and It's almost the anticipation leading up that I get in my head about.
And I think a lot of people do too.
Once I'm there, I'm pretty good at adapting to the environment and talking with people.
It took me a long time to get to where I'm at, but the anxiety is definitely more rooted in before the event than at it.
For me, creating a routine that feels good to me really helps me calm down or just be more ready.
Before leaving, like I'll either make sure that my day is really relaxing or, while I'm getting ready for the event, I'll make sure that the energy is really good and that I'm pumping myself up and I'm just in a good mood.
I never want to feel rushed or be in a bad mood going to an event, especially if I'm anxious, as it is.
I like to make sure that I have my day planned out, that I don't have too much time to worry or overthink or stress myself out.
I like to make sure that I'm time blocking.
I make sure that I'm eating before the event.
I like to do an everything shower, do my makeup, listen to really good music.
And I always make sure that I'm prepared before I go.
I'll make sure that I pick out an outfit.
I'll make sure that I give myself enough time to get ready to give myself a little pep talk to help calm myself down.
I also like to make sure that I go over topics of conversation before I go.
A big part of my social anxiety is being afraid that I have nothing to talk about or that I'm going to be awkward in a conversation or I won't know how to navigate it.
So I think of a few things that are going on in my life. that I can talk about.
So when people ask me like, what's going on with you?
What's new with you?
I'm not like, uh, nothing.
I also think about things that I'm just really good at talking about and just prep myself as if I'm going to an interview, but not as intense, just so I feel more comfortable and confident when I do socialize.
I also like to have a plan for if I end up being alone at the event, whether that's just being okay with not talking to anyone or having someone that I can text or call if I feel awkward.
I also have a plan for when I want to leave the event, making sure that I have someone to call or I can get an Uber or just have a set time on when I feel comfortable leaving.
Also, like I was saying before, I think it's really important to have grace with yourself and not expect yourself to be perfect.
When it comes to social anxiety, a lot of it is this anxiety and pressure to perform, wanting people to perceive you in a certain way, wanting to look put together, needing to be perfect, but that's just not realistic.
Every time you have a conversation with someone, it doesn't have to have this ulterior motive or equate to an opportunity or a friendship or them putting you on a pedestal.
Conversations are really just meant to connect.
Learn about them, have them learn about you, And if they don't like you, then they don't like you and they're just not your people.
And that's not something to feel bad about or feel anxious about, especially if it's people that you're probably never going to see again.
What do you do when you feel awkward or judged in conversations?
I feel like this is a good question to go off the last one.
I think it's important to remember that a lot of people feel awkward or judged in conversations, especially with people they're just meeting or they don't know very well.
It's not just you.
Very rarely do you meet someone who is just super confident, has no anxiety whatsoever, is totally calm, cool and collected when talking with people.
Obviously there are people who are very good at having conversations and they're not in their heads and they don't really care so much about what people think about them.
But the majority of people do.
I think it's hard to realize that in the moment because you're just so consumed by how you feel that you're not even thinking about how they feel.
But the reality is that's how most people feel.
Everyone is more consumed with how they feel than how the other person feels.
It always helps me to remember that most people care more about how other people view them than they care about other people.
Think about when you're in a conversation with someone and you feel awkward or you feel judged, because you're worrying about how they're perceiving you if they think you're attractive, if they think you're smart, if they think you're interesting.
You're more concerned with winning them over.
You're more interested in how they feel about you than you actually feel about them.
And that might sound selfish, but that's just the reality of it.
We want people to like us.
Or I use this example all the time, but when you leave a social event, are you replaying all the things that some random person said to you or that strange thing your friend did?
Are you overanalyzing their behavior?
Are you judging them?
Or are you replaying all the things that you said, all the things that you did?
More than likely, you care more about what others thought of you than how you feel about those people.
You care more about them liking you, like rather than asking yourself, do I even like these people?
You care more about them liking you.
These people that you think are judging you are probably more worried about you judging them.
They're probably not even thinking about you and what you did.
They're thinking well, what they did and how you perceive them.
Obviously there are very judgmental people out there.
There are going to be people that you have a conversation with who are just nasty and they talk down to you.
I mean, i've had plenty of conversations where people come up to me and they're like i saw your cute little tiktok.
That's so cute that you think that you're an influencer And clearly they're doing that in a way to make me feel bad about myself and make me feel like I'm doing something wrong.
When people do that, obviously it doesn't feel good, but it's important to remember why they're doing that.
When people talk down to you and they're mean to you and they're judgmental for literally no reason other than you're just living your life, they're doing that out of projection.
No happy, successful person is going to go out of their way to make you feel bad about yourself.
More than likely they're acting that way to avoid being judged by you or feeling disliked by you.
They try to put you down to avoid being beneath you.
The best advice that I could give to you is just be yourself.
And if someone's going to judge you or be mean to you or make the situation awkward, They're not your people and you don't need to give them your time.
You don't owe them a conversation.
You don't owe them any of your energy.
So if someone's not good company, don't entertain them.
And then lastly, for the last question of this episode what helps with replaying embarrassing moments over and over in your head?
Going on that last question, most things that you're worried about, where you're thinking about, what people are thinking about you, all of your embarrassing moments more than likely they don't remember them because their own embarrassing moments are playing in their head.
They're more focused on what's going on with them and how people perceive them than they are for you.
Your most embarrassing moments, your most traumatizing moments are are really nothing to other people.
Even if you had the most humiliating moment in front of millions of people, maybe for a split second they laughed at you or they judged you, but then they get over it and they forget about it because it's not about them, so they don't care.
That moment feels big to you.
It feels like the end of the world because your ego was bruised.
You feel small.
But the people who witnessed it didn't experience that way.
And because it's not about them, it's not affecting them, they don't care and they're not going to remember it.
They might pay attention to it for a second, but then they're on to the next thing that's going to entertain them or distract them, or they're back to worrying about themselves.
It's like if you gave a class presentation and you stuttered over your words.
You drew a blank, you didn't know what to talk about and you were super embarrassed and you were thinking about that for the rest of the week.
The people watching you aren't going to think twice about that, because it just doesn't matter to them.
They have other things going on in their lives or they're worried about giving their own presentation.
Been a time in my life where I've watched a presentation from a classmate where I was consumed in everything that they were saying and doing and I was judging if they stuttered over their words or how well they did their presentation.
I wasn't focusing on their speech.
I wasn't clocking every time they messed up.
I was spacing out, stressing about my turn.
I was worried about the fact that I had to go up and present to the class.
And I know that might sound selfish, like, oh, you only care about yourself, but that's the reality.
People care more about themselves than they care about you.
It's like these things that we all worry about.
We worry and stress about these embarrassing moments and oh my God, I can't believe I did that.
I wonder what people think about me.
But no one really cares about us because they care about themselves.
And as I've said before, give yourself grace.
When you find yourself stuck in the loop of thinking about these embarrassing moments, try to pull yourself back and be like hey.
It's okay.
We're human.
It's normal to have these moments.
Everyone has them.
It's not just you.
And it's okay.
You don't have to be perfect all the time.
No one expects that.
Perfect's boring.
One bad moment, one embarrassing moment doesn't equal a bad life.
It doesn't mean you're a bad person.
It doesn't mean that people don't like you anymore.
So instead of fixating on this embarrassing thing, think of your good moments.
Think about your good traits.
Think about all the people that love you and redirect your negative thoughts to more positive ones.
That is where I'm going to end today's episode.
If you want another QA about anxiety, I can definitely do part two, because there's so many things that we worry about.
If that's something that you want, just leave a comment on Spotify and also leave a question.
Or if you want a different QA, not about anxiety, you can also leave that there on Spotify.
If you don't have Spotify, you can message me on Instagram.
Again, my socials are linked in the show notes.
I can't wait to get back from my cruise and tell you all about it, because if you listened to last week's episode, you know that I'm kind of anxious about going.
This is my first time going on a cruise ever and I'm doing it alone.
And it's also my first time leaving the country ever and I'm doing it alone for six nights.
So definitely a little stressed, definitely a little nervous, but I think it's going to be so much fun and I can't wait to tell you all about it.
So stay tuned or again, if you want to look at my socials, I well, I'm recording this before I go.
So I imagine by the time you listen to this, I will have spammed my socials.
So make sure to go look at that.
But yeah, I will update you as soon as I'm back.
As always, thank you so much for hanging out with me and listening to this week's episode.
If you like Trying Not To Care, make sure to rate it on Spotify and Apple if you haven't already.
Make sure to share it with a friend who's a little anxious or just needs to hear some good advice.
And make sure to come back next Monday because I will be here.
So I will see you or talk to you then.
And yeah, so see you next Monday.
Bye.
Thank you.
