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you're listening to Luke's English podcast for more information visit teacherluke .co .uk hello listeners welcome back to Luke's English podcast this episode features a conversation with returning guests Amber and Paul they have been regular guests on this podcast for over 10 years now long -term listeners
will know what to expect from this episode but if you're fairly new to the podcast then you should know that well you're going to hear a fairly natural quite fast conversation between three friends in English okay the idea is that you just can enjoy taking part well I say taking part I mean listening
to this funny conversation in English it might be difficult it will probably be more challenging as a listening exercise than when I'm on my own it's normally easier to follow me when I'm speaking on my own but when I'm with other people especially with Amber and Paul we kind of go quite quickly and we
go off in different directions.
So it will definitely help you to follow this if you know a little bit about a little bit of background context about us and our friendship.
So let me just fill you in on that.
So we are all from the UK.
We're all British, but we all live in France and we have done for, you know, around us.
Well, Amber's been living in France for longer than the two of us.
Anyway, we all live in France and we're British.
We all have French partners.
And we have kids who speak both French and English.
And the three of us know each other from doing stand up comedy in English in Paris.
That's really how we met.
Paul is a professional stand up comedian.
Whereas Amber and I, we are unprofessional stand up comedians.
I mean, Paul does one man shows.
He tours them around France and the French speaking world.
They are often bilingual shows where he performs in French and in English.
Amber and I do stand up, but not to the same level that Paul does.
What else? Amber, her background, she studied theatre studies at clown school in Paris.
Yeah, clown school.
And that's not even a joke.
That's a real thing.
She did clown school for something like four years.
So she has a background in theatre studies.
But these days she's a voiceover artist and a tour guide in Paris.
She also does a podcast called Pan Am Podcast, which is about the history of Paris.
And she has read a lot of books and knows loads of things about loads of stuff.
Back to Paul. He used to work for Apple, but he quit his job when he decided to go full time as a stand -up comedian.
and everybody laughed when they heard that he was quitting his job and to become a stand -up comedian.
Everyone laughed, but they're not laughing now, everyone.
Ha ha, that was a joke, okay.
Anyway, the point of the conversation is that you can enjoy listening to a fun conversation in English.
This was recorded early in January, just after Christmas.
The topics include running and fitness, falling out of bed, battery issues with my phone that I was using to record the video version of this.
The battery kept running down.
It was low during the whole recording, which lends an element of drama and suspense to the entire episode.
We talk about microphones and why we choose to record with handheld microphones, why we hold the microphones in our hands, which is a question that sometimes comes up when people watch these video episodes.
If you indeed watch the video versions, if you're listening, then that's not really an issue for you, is it?
We talk about our Christmas holidays, the food that we ate, including the fact that there are so many different types of chicken available in the supermarkets in France for some reason.
We talk about family dynamics at Christmas time.
um what's it like spending christmas with different family members uh we talk about paul's paul's christmas rat story you got to check that out that's that's it's an incredible story a christmas rat yes a rat the little animals um amber gives us some insights about the lives of urban pigeons living
in Paris. We talk about how our kids speak English and more.
So that's what you can expect.
And I'm going to stop this introduction in just a second.
I just wanted to say premium subscribers.
Hello. Premium episodes are coming.
I'm working on that.
And you'll get some premium content coming soon.
All right. Now, that's enough of an introduction.
Let's now get started.
And let's join Amber and Paul and me from a few weeks ago.
And here we go. Amber and Paula are on the podcast hello guys Hi Hi Hi there I have to do the jingle first Go on then Yeah okay I've got to play the jingle Oh cause you do it live don't you I keep forgetting that you do that live As opposed to just adding it in afterwards Yeah yeah yeah Minimal work
possible with Luke He's just like I'll just do it all live That's cause he's got to get them out That's right He's a machine Keep pumping out the podcasts Here we go Great of course it's coming out of the wrong flipping place because i didn't click on that and click on that and then click on that and then
okay here we and here we go pause amber and paul are on the podcast amber and paul are on the podcast amber and paul are on the podcast amber and paul are on another podcast paul's a very funny boy his life i very much enjoy Amber's got a lovely voice If I could choose an accent, hers would be my choice
Okay, hello guys, welcome back Hi, my laugh will not be in operation today Your laugh will not be in operation today, because?
No, because I'm recovering from something that I was in bed with for a few days last week Your wife, or...
Whey, whey, whey Like, I don't know, some sort of flu thing, something So every time I'm going to laugh, I will end up coughing Right.
Like Keith Richards.
Yeah, I don't know.
Is that what happens?
Yeah, he kind of talks and then tells a story and laughs and then ends up coughing up his lungs.
And he's still alive, I don't know how.
We need to not make Paul laugh.
That will have to be our aim.
It's very difficult, though.
Strike one, strike one.
One point to Luke and Amber.
No, I'm not trying to make him laugh.
You know, I care about Paul.
I don't want him to cough and be sick, but it's just tempting.
I'm just going to put my angry face on.
I won't laugh. Be very serious for the entire episode.
So hello, listeners.
Hello, everybody. Paul, what's the situation?
The situation is, it is the 10th of January and it is grey, cold.
We're in the podcastle.
We've just had a nice cup of coffee, chatted about things that we can't chat about on the podcast.
And I was going to say It's the first time we're seeing each other in 2025 Which it is Me and Amber saw each other on day one In 2025 We brought Louise over To play a play date With Amber's kids And that was the last glass of champagne That I've had I've been sober for nine days You're dry I'm dry Because
you're training I am training For another marathon Oh, God.
What's wrong with him?
I don't know. What's wrong with him?
He just loves the punishment.
Apparently, yeah. It's your leg alright and everything.
Yeah, my legs are fine now.
I mean, I should be training now, but I don't want to push it too much.
Yeah, I just wanted to, I don't know when the last time I spoke to your listeners.
It was episode 900, I think around, what, sort of September time?
It was after I did the marathon.
You talked about doing the marathon, talked about the Olympics.
Okay. So it was my, yeah, since then it's just kind of like I've wanted to do a marathon, but uninjured just to see what it's like, you know, cause I didn't feel like I was exerting myself physically.
I was dealing with a physical pain, but it wasn't like a, an unsurmountable fitness thing where I'm like, Oh God, I can't do this because whatever.
So I just, I want to see what I, I guess what I'm capable of when I'm not injured.
So I was like, ah, I'll sign up for another one.
okay well when Paul came over so me and my sister my sister's been here for a month and we have been training for a 5k um and it was really funny because we've been using you as an example to Nico for like a while wait you've been trying to you've been making your husband feel bad no no no I mean yeah
obviously obviously but not because of this not because of this no no because basically so me and me and my sister we like been going running and we were talking about oh we're going running we're going in we go to the same place and stuff like that and then Paul said oh maybe I could come with you
because we were planning on going the next day and we were like yeah yeah yeah maybe which obviously meant no absolutely not because we don't hear anything this is a British no this was like yeah yeah yeah maybe you could come I suppose we gave a British no because we've been talking quite a lot about running
so we gave a British no which was like yes you can come and you understood it meant no because then when you said goodbye to us you said to my sister oh yeah well you know see you sometime maybe if you come to a show in england clearly understanding not going to see you running because you said no because we
can't we can't train for 5k and him train for 42k in the same space is embarrassing nice you can you can do it you can because then it just means i would because you know that the the thing that i learned from training is that most of it should not be fast so well it would not be fast i know but it's
very It helps build, I can't remember the sporting term for it, but some sort of level of fitness is the best way to do it is to not run fast.
And the running fast is, it helps build something else.
A certain type of muscle fibres or something like that?
It's endurance versus speed.
Yeah, something like that.
How far do you go when you just go for a regular run?
um well the one I went on before because I did go the next day yeah and this was a day before I fell in my bed and didn't get out of it for three days I went for just a 3k wait just 3k we could have done that we did five you fell in your bed how do you fall no I mean like I fell sick and into my bed
oh I see and didn't wake up I thought you were like in your bed and whoops which is impossible yeah that would be funny yeah I've fallen out of bed have you yeah how many times have you fallen out of bed um what recently No, but more than I can remember, because usually it's when I was drunk and when I was staying
in a hotel. And it wasn't my bed, but I thought, because, you know, I don't know.
Do you always sleep on the same side?
Always. What, you mean if we go to a different place?
Well, at home. Yeah, of course.
Do you ever switch?
No, we don't. Not animals.
Who would do that? I don't know.
I've got all my bits.
On my side. What kind of bits have you got on the side?
I've got my light, I've got my hand cream, I've got, you know, anything I need.
But do you not ever switch it over?
do you not ever switch over when I was pregnant because I had to sleep on the other side because you're meant to sleep on one side but it felt alien we don't either but I've seen people that do switch stuff but when I'm in a hotel I won't even think about the side that I sleep in, I think I sleep on the side
that's nearest the sockets or nearest the one light switch that turns everything off because weirdly in a hotel you've got one side where there's a light switch that only switches your little lamp off and on the other person's side it switches the entire room so one person has total control exactly
and the other person is just like I've got this one little light switch and then the other person's like I control everything it's like a relationship basically more or less but when you're on your own in a hotel room you want the total control one so I don't know which side of the bed but sometimes
it's the wrong side of the bed and because I'm used to turning around in a certain way in my own bed sometimes when I used to drink a lot and find myself drunk on my own I turn the wrong way and just fall out of the bed.
And you would wake up immediately or you'd just be awake in the morning?
Yeah, I think so. Because my daughter sometimes will fall out of bed and she'll just continue sleeping and I'll go in there and I'll find her on the floor or like, what was that noise?
Did you hear that? Yeah, I did.
Oh, my phone's got 20 % battery remaining.
Well, it's being charged, so that should be okay, shouldn't it, Paul Taylor?
I mean, it's not an iPhone, is it?
It is, it's not. Is it?
It's an iPhone X. Yeah, it should be fine.
i don't know why it's what i don't know why it's is it plugged in it's plugged in look yeah it's plugged in yeah anyway anyway anyway so all right falling out of bed but uh you didn't fall out of bed we were talking about running you were talking about running um yeah 3k 5k we've been aiming for 5k
it takes me a long time yeah yeah really very long time have you gotten up to 5k yet yes oh okay so the couch to 5k has been achieved yeah but not as the couch to 5k app would like it no because the couch the 5k app wants you to have a 5k race at the end of it I imagine it wants you to just run continually
for like 35 minutes that's the sort of oh okay it thinks in 35 minutes plus 5 minute walk warm up and cool down right which is I mean 45 minutes you're gonna you're gonna go 5k um but we like a run walk approach okay that's what we like run walk run walk yeah yeah we like a little walk break yeah yeah
I get it I get it okay so and the other reason I was excited about the marathon just to finish on that it was because I did my first race in December where I wasn't injured it was a 10k and it just felt it felt like it felt like getting off stage in front of an audience that has just understood everything
that you and it just it's you just go that was outraged that was like the feeling was so good I was like ah finally after a year of starting running and of doing races and of being injured and all this kind of, I finally got the runner's high that everyone talks about.
And it was, yeah, so I did like a 10K in, I think it was like 49 minutes.
It's fast. That's fast.
Is it? It's not bad, yeah.
It is fast because they sort of like, I think about 55 minutes is considered quite a good time for 10K.
For like, you know, someone who's kind of fit, they're okay.
You know, of course there's people which can do 10K in half an hour, you know or ofs but like if you can do it under an hour that's actually a really good speed so doing yeah i think the average of everyone that's running on the planet because you know the statistics whatever i think the average is like
57 minutes or something like that so you're better than most other humans yes 49 minutes yeah so i was very happy with that and i was like right i'm doing the marathon let's go yeah all right wow he's built for running he's built for speed Speed and endurance And beer belly still Have you?
Yeah Well I've still got a beer belly Did you drink during the Christmas break?
Oh I Did not drink You didn't not drink So you drank For like three weeks Solid basically Okay So you need to get back in training And so that's why We had a cheeky Bottle of champagne On New Year's Day Well yeah Do you have two?
We had a bottle of Carver Did Amber get drunk?
No It wasn't like that That was very restrained It wasn't like the last time That was funny Last time we got together I'm going to draw a veil over that Because I don't think I was actually there I don't remember anything Don't really Between Amber and her son thieving, conniving I think we talked about that We
talked about that before But no, we, yeah It was just It's my daughter's turn to shame herself at your house We were five adults though So two bottles between five adults is alright Yeah We mixed it with orange juice New Year's Day Yeah, it was.
It was mimosis. OK, yeah, so fine.
It's fine. Fine. It's fine.
So Amber and Paul are on the podcast.
Thanks so much for coming back and being guests again.
Thanks for having us back and thanks for maintaining this podcast alive.
I feel like it's the one constant, apart from maybe seeing each other on stand -up shows.
It's the one constant, because when we see each other on stand -up shows, there's other people there.
But it's like the one constant for, what, 12 years now that we've known each other?
2013. yeah we've known each other since 2013 2012 2013 and I think you both came on the podcast maybe a year or so after that it was early days that we got on the podcast we were pregnant with Hugo at the time so we've been doing this for over a decade I don't know how many times you've been on the podcast
possibly even getting on for a hundred times it's over 50 it's over 50 really I wouldn't have said 50 well sometimes you do a double pod don't we oh yes it's 50 episodes yeah that's true double pod yeah i mean it's been a lot of we've done a lot of episodes together um you two are frequently named by listeners
as among their favorite guests along with my family members so people talk about members of the family and you two as well so you know you know you what my question is what do you think the appeal is why do people enjoy listening to our our tangential nonsense what's the appeal i think it's the same
reason i love tiktok and like you know a random person comes on and they're just like oh i was on the bus and i heard this woman complaining and i'm like tell me more i don't know these people i don't know anything about it i'm invested and like yeah just no just it's you know you get to you hear people
it's like lots of podcasts you listen to for a long time you sort of get to know the people and you sort of they just become a part of your life too and because paul's paul's very funny boys laugh i very much enjoy yeah absolutely except today except today amber's got a lovely voice if i could choose
an accent hers would be my choice well you're your listeners actually yeah because it goes both ways and when i first started going on the podcast i'd started doing voiceover but i had i didn't think i was very good at it i was like oh you know i just happened to be in the right place at the right time
and they needed an anglophone and then everyone kept saying oh your voice is so nice i thought maybe i should do more voiceover gave me confidence okay and now it was a boost now she's installed a recording studio booth in your own house and making sweet cash money yeah um i i needed to add something
about the fact that we are holding microphones uh we are using listeners and video viewers we're using handheld dynamic microphones the ones that you see being used by stand -up comedians, and they are not in microphone stands.
And I'm mentioning this because there's always one person who watches the video version, always, who comments about the fact that we are holding microphones.
And I've asked you this before, but I'm going to ask you again.
Do you mind holding the microphones during the recording?
Do you mind? Have you asked this before?
I have asked you that before, very briefly in the past.
I'm doing it again now.
You don't remember?
I feel like so here's when you start hold on but it's funny because when you started talking and you were like reading off your phone there and you were like oh I have to do mention we are holding microphones I thought you were going to go and this episode is sponsored by Lone microphones fortunately
not although any microphone actually I did get sent a couple of microphones by SE Electronics in the past you know great these aren't SE Electronics well you can't really do a stand when there's three of us there's no space to have...
When you do it on your own, you have the little arm, right?
I do. You've got a second one here.
But I don't have a third one.
But does it bother you?
This is the question.
Does it bother you to be holding the microphone in your hand?
It seems like a trick question.
It's not a trick question at all.
It's a straight question dealing with a common doubt or a common even criticism, I would say.
Oh, because people think that it's difficult for us.
Oh, but we do this as a living.
This is our job to be on stage and hold a microphone like that.
I mean, our job, it's one of our jobs.
Yeah, definitely you, yeah.
Yeah, I pretend to.
Exactly the same response you had last time I asked you that question, which was a few years ago in this very room.
I don't remember. You said, yeah, there's no problem.
This is our job or at least my job.
So people ask that because they think it must get tiring.
It's, you know, they can't understand why we don't have them in stands and they imagine that this is really difficult for us.
Okay. But is it? I think they're throwing shade.
They're throwing shade on...
On the English. Like we're so feeble that even this sort of paltry microphone is too much for our sort of arms.
No, it's no bother.
It's not a problem at all, is it?
In fact, in my experience, for recording a podcast, it is...
It's better. And in many ways, it's better.
Well, because when it's freestanding, you talk a bit like this, and the microphone's not moving with you, but your arm, we're more attentive to keep it close to our mouths.
Yeah, like if you were talking, if we were on microphone stands and then suddenly I was like, what's this thing back here?
Is this a book? I'd be like, oh, the book's over here.
Yeah, this book here.
Whereas if you're holding a handheld, I can just bring the handheld with me and go, this is Robin Ince, I'm a joke, and so are you.
That's a great book.
Do you know what I mean?
Whereas if I was doing that on the stand here, I'd be like, oh, Luke, this book, I'm a joke.
Tell me more about this one, Luke.
Absolutely. Yeah, exactly.
So it actually results in better quality, better quality audio.
and having microphones in stands is actually more uncomfortable.
People imagine that holding them is uncomfortable but it's more uncomfortable to have a microphone in a stand when you're recording for about an hour because the microphone is in one position.
You have to be in one position.
So you get a pain in your neck.
Your back gets stiff because you're stuck in one position but when it's in your hand you can move around and you get that freedom and it's actually more comfortable.
So it's more comfortable for us.
You get a better sound for you.
why do we not have lapel mics then which would free our hands still not as good sound though, a lapel mic they need to be really quite a fancy lapel mic before it's going to match this agreed I imagine that might be a question that comes up if people have been asking alright cool you're talking about these
mics but what about the ones that you see on a TV show lavalier mics but then they have both they'll have a lapel mic and they'll have a boom sound is so important like it's so key you know i mean if i'm doing a voiceover of course it's fixed but then i'm fixed i'm just reading stuff off of a screen
so you can kind of move but you're always in the same place but yeah these are much better i mean like stand up it's there are a few comedians who who put the mic still and they don't hold it there are a few but it's very particular type of comedy um um what's her name um the french comedian blanche
it was blanche i was like charlotte no blanche she does that and so she's got this very centered sort of style of performing but it's unusual she stands perfectly still and you couldn't imagine someone like lee evans having the microphone in the stand because he's so mobile he doesn't even have one
of these he has a Britney Spears Madonna Britney Spears kind of thing yeah like Michael McIntyre stuff like that who move around a lot but that's like the other extreme most people are just sort of moving naturally they need a mic and in stand -up I find that having a mic in my hands allows me to I can use
the mic position to get closer to the microphone sometimes you know if you let her go no that'll be the end of it you know that sort of thing you can sort of do punchlines a bit better by speaking into the microphone yeah so that's that that Well, Paul does that as well, because he does quite like a shouty delivery.
Yes. And so sometimes he'll take it away and just give that kind of like off mic shoutiness.
And it's really fun because, you know, you are playing with sound.
You've got a lot more control.
Yeah. We all agree.
There's a comedian that did an imitation of somebody falling out of a helicopter and just being like.
Right. Pulling the microphone away from his mouth while he's on stage.
It's very good. Mic technique.
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
The Frank Sinatra. The Frank Sinatra.
He was all. Oh, yeah.
really did he use the microphone i did it yeah yeah so guys as you said it's january the weather's terrible uh you're both dressed in black and i'm in blue which was sort of black and blue i should have i missed the email i should have worn black as well oh last time you both wore black yeah one of these
days we'll all end up wearing black or something but anyway christmas how was your christmas slash new year we heard about your new year's day what about your christmas christmas was great yeah because um my sister was here and so we were all together and my in -laws came and usually we're quite mean we
do like a bingo of my in -laws most annoying habits your in -laws are french right they're french so my partner's my husband's parents yeah so you do a bingo for things they will say can you explain how like when someone does really annoying things but you've got to see them and so instead of being like
oh my god i hate that you put it on a bingo card yeah So like, you know, my mother -in -law will make some sort of snide comment about like tea towels, you know, about how, you know, or like napkins or something like that.
And or she'll like tell like a sob story.
What, she'll make a comment about how clean they are or what?
It could be a whole array of snide comments she might have about my tea towels.
Yeah. um then she'll she'll tell a sort of sob story from her youth you know how she never had christmas she was working on the farm you know kind of things like this you know basically my children are indulged um they'll they'll buy gifts that no one wants they'll you know they'll she'll make a big
deal about if she's used new wrapping paper rather than recycled wrapping paper you know stuff like that and then my you know my father -in -law will repeat a story we've all heard like for the hundredth time at least more than once in that same evening.
He'll back up some sort of spurious argument he's got with science that he's made up.
He's just making stuff up and it gets really annoying, right?
Or I'll do something I'll be snidey to my I'm on the bingo card too.
I'll be mean to him but I'll do it in a way that he's not quite understood so he can't come back at me the kids are on it.
So everyone You've got a family bingo card of an annoying behaviour that you all do and you've got different bingo cards with different annoying behaviour or it's just that you have to try and notice Who's playing the bingo?
Just you and Nico? You and your husband Nico's on the bingo card he's going to go off for a nap at one point So like we're all on the bingo card like we recognise our own faults So we made the bingo card as always and then because my sister was there and she doesn't speak French or not really well my
in -laws were speaking in English and they were so charming in English they were so much more sweet and because maybe they were speaking in English they were reminiscing a lot about like the travels they'd done before before they'd had Nico and one of these big travels they did was like to New York and they
traveled all around the states and they were living in New York in the 70s and of course it sounded wild like New York Manhattan in the 70s they don't speak English she's working in this like French restaurant he's doing something out she comes home and all the money's in tips they're taking greyhound
buses around they have to go to Harlem in the 70s to get some sort of visa extension and yeah so they're kind of living these really fun stories and of course they sound really delightful because you know they've got these French accents oh we were there it was so much fun you know and I was like this is only
ever speak English so they were delightful the food was delicious because I was like no more sea insects because I hate that because that's the thing the French do they eat shellfish lots of gusting prawns and sea insects as you say sea insects yeah yeah okay but you didn't have that no I was like no sea insects
so we had like nice food and they were funny and yeah and it was good it was really good fantastic great time really good you know we had a similar experience we didn't go to my parents this time.
Well, yours always sounds fun.
Well, we didn't go to my parents this time.
We gave them a year off just to recover from all the other Christmases where my mum has to do all the work and plus, you know, we've got like, you know, an 18 -month -old who exhausts everyone at the moment.
So, we just gave them a week off and we went to, rented a place in Normandy and went there.
For Christmas Day? For Christmas, five days over Christmas.
Oh, lovely. And they came over?
No, no, they didn't.
Oh, they didn't. Just you guys?
It was just us and a friend of ours and we just hung out there, went Went to the seaside, walked along the beach and stuff.
It was great. Oh, I love you.
Yeah, really good. Had a really good Christmas meal.
Ate far too much. What did you eat?
It was a chapeau, right?
A kind of chicken sort of.
Cape on. Yeah. Cape on.
Yeah, a kind of poultry.
Like a big chicken.
It's funny how. It's like a male chicken, isn't it?
Is it a male chicken?
Is it like a rooster?
A cock roll? Is it like a sort of.
They have that in Game of Thrones.
Really? Yeah. What?
A cape on. Do they?
Yeah. Of course they are medieval.
what what what what what just well it's just funny like i find it funny that in in a french supermarket certain things come out in certain times of the year yeah you know like the you go out now and try and find a chapon you won't find one anywhere chris the yuletide period is a terrible time to be
a bird in france isn't it i mean either you're gonna get your head chopped off and eaten or you're gonna get fed until your liver explodes oh yeah those poor birds there's five different types of but we were at the supermarket getting the chicken for our christmas dinner because there's only three of us
uh one two three yeah adults my mom um and my wife and i and i was just like i'll just we'll just get a chicken and i i went to the chicken fridge and it was like five different words for poultry that were just different sizes i was like i i know chicken and turkey yeah i didn't know any of the the three
other things wait but they're also uh all kind of like different types of chicken aren't they they are they're all the same i mean you you could imagine there would be chicken duck uh turkey and goose maybe if it was like a special supermarket oh of course you're talking about all these different types
of chicken yeah right basically big chicken small chicken yeah farm bread chicken medium chicken medium chicken and they've all got different names it's not just small medium large it's yeah uh i can't remember i can't remember them now poulet fermier poulet no that's right no no but they've got different
it's different I actually got different names because I looked it up you know on word reference for the translation yeah it's a male thing I'm like well it's a fucking chicken then what are you talking about big chicken yeah okay so how was your Christmas though Paul well it so my mum was over and it was going to
be chill the day before Christmas Eve we had my friend Jay Swanson American round on the 23rd 24th 24th Christmas Eve he came out for Christmas Eve yeah and you know we had a good time I cooked some sea insects some scallops yeah and it was the scallops of St.
Jack the nuts of St.
Jack St. Jack's nuts St.
Jack's nuts exactly yeah yeah delicious and then he I think he left about one in the morning and so we were you know at one in the morning we were right it's time to get the presents out put them under the tree yeah bite some of the carrot eat some of the biscuits drink the milk put the presents under the thing
write a little card from Santa so that the next morning when Louise wakes up Daddy Christmas has been with the reindeers gaslighting your daughter in the traditional way just convincing her that there's Father Christmas just side question does she still believe in Father Christmas she's five we think
this might be the last year though my daughter was over it I think by five slash six yeah Yeah, she'll cotton on to it soon.
We took a little video in bed the night before, just the three of us being like, oh, Daddy Christmas is coming.
My wife's like, why are you doing this video?
I'm just like, oh, you're excited.
And then when my wife and I walked out, I'm like, I just took the video because I think this is the last one.
Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. So anyway, we started doing the stuff, whatever.
I'm upstairs bringing down or getting some of the presents ready.
And I hear my wife like scream and calling me down like there's somebody in the house I'm like what the hell so I like leg it down Father Christmas yeah of course there's someone in the house it's Christmas Eve so I run down the stairs and there's a rat a massive rat a Christmas rat in like stuck behind
the radiator of the front door of the house so the noise was coming from the front door so my wife thought somebody's trying to get into the front door but then we saw the cat was like snooping about behind the thing and there's this massive rat behind the radiator stuck behind the radiator stuck as
in he's not wanting to oh he's hiding and the radiator is like it's like one of these ones a heater right no but it's like a rate imagine this being stuck to the uh if you're listening to this yeah uh It's an old radiator that has gaps between the heating elements.
Like an oil -filled radiator, which has got gaps between each part.
Yeah, but this is stuck to the wall.
It's not like an independent heater.
Yeah. And so the rat is behind the thing.
So we can see it through the radiator, but we can't access it, right?
Yeah. And we're like, okay, well, what are we doing?
Like, we're just, at first, it's like two o 'clock in the morning at this point.
We're like, all right, well, let's see what the cat does.
Yeah, because that's the cat's job, isn't it?
It's like, right, this is it.
This is your moment.
To prove your worth.
The cat's looking around, trying to grab it, and trying to figure out something.
He can't, he's not really doing much.
Yeah. It's like, okay, so then, you know, you start, like, tapping the radiator to make some noise to see if the, all the while, we've opened the front door that's next to the radiator to see if he just wants, if he wants to get out.
Yeah. And he's not, he just, nothing.
It's just like, we're sitting there for 20 minutes just going, what do we do?
What, like, okay, trying to figure out things.
We're trying to find objects in the house so we can poke the rat through the gaps in the radiator to get him to move but then also we're like well if he then starts running inside the house so we're trying to barricade off the corridor with Louise's gym mats you know like the Ikea foldable gym mats
so we've created a barrier so we're trying to like you know trying to figure out a way to get the mat and the mouse starts going back and forth mouse or rat sorry the rat is trying to go back and forth the cat doesn't know the cat's like half scared we're like you're an idiot what are you doing like
it's half your kill it just take it and what are you doing does your cat normally deal with rodents he brought in a bird two days ago okay he brought in he's brought in mouse mice he killed a pigeon which was much bigger than this alright so we're like what are you doing but this is a rat though this is serious
yeah apparently it's a whole different kind of fish and so like we don't know what to do at some point and then it starts going because the cat sort of you know whatever and it just starts making this on godly I don't know if you've heard a rat cry it's just like and it's just it's like it's so agonizing
like oh this poor little thing oh so like oh let's lure it out with some cheese so we've got those little like soft cheese for kids you know the little cubes the apéry cubes that we have here like the little flavored soft cheese we put it out like in front of the radiator just waiting to see what would happen
and the cat went and ate the fucking cheese oh my god right and so that now it's getting really late it's like 3 30 in the morning we have we know we're going to be up in three or four hours like we need to get this fucking rat out so i decide to go into the garden and get the garden hose yeah drag
it through the house to hose the radiator with water yeah is your door open the front door the front door's open because it's cold like it's the middle of the night It's cold and you're like about to flood Your flat another question yeah Not that this is the lying game this is Real yeah yeah yeah how
did It get in do you know we don't know we still don't know And that's the I think we might have been because Jay When he was leaving the Uber Canceled a couple of times so we Were in and out of the door and that's The only thing we can we hope that's how we got In yeah yeah and so I'm Trying to hose
him out really you're spraying water Like a fireman you know like you know like When they're at when they're at protests and they're Trying to hose the protesters yeah Water cannon.
He's water canoning the rat.
I walked inside my house.
The house is now flooded.
Oh God. The rat hasn't fucking moved.
He's holding on for dear life behind...
Is the radiator on as well?
Yeah. Is it warm? Yeah.
So the rat's like, actually, it's fine.
I think I'm fine here.
So I'm tired. We're all so drunk.
I'm drunk, tired, anticipating the hangover and the no sleep the next day.
I'm like, I'm killing it now.
I don't care. Yeah.
I need to find something to stab this little shit because it's...
so the only thing I could find was an umbrella oh my god the most English thing ever so I got the I got the umbrella out and I'm like I'm like because I know if I poke it and I miss it it's going to scurry right yeah so I I get it but I get it in the wrong like it just in its side and I just hear it
going oh no oh poor thing and I'm like I'm just like holding it there the cat's losing his mind he's like even he legs it he's even more scared oh Oh, no.
And then, so I let go for a second and then it sort of scurries around.
I'm like, oh God, that didn't work.
I need to go for the head.
It needs to be a headshot and it needs to be hard.
Right? Oh, God. The poor little thing.
I understand the desperate measures, desperate times meet that the desperate measures.
It's four o 'clock in the morning by this point.
And so I get the umbrella and I get his head in the perfect spot.
Yeah. And I go, pa, miss the rat, snap the umbrella into.
Oh, no. oh god I thought you were going to say the rat like grabs the umbrella or something like super rat yeah maybe you did you might have done and then uh uh some I don't know how I can't even remember how we got him out in the end it just he at some point he he ended up in a in a little thing and I
managed to scurry him out and then he he he ended up going out the front door eventually but it was like 4 or 30 in the morning yeah so our christmas day was horrific it was like no sleep my mum was there she hadn't I mean she had slept normally but she doesn't like getting up at 7 in the morning right
she's 77 years old so you know when you're that old you want to sleep in for a little bit so we opened the presents we were like oh he's been yeah he's been yeah yeah yeah Louise has no idea what happened Santa came alright and tried to stab him in the head with an umbrella so Christmas Day wasn't great the rest
of it was very tranquil and chilled out but that was god a christmas day to to remember and forget it's terrifying rats oh it was horrific and now like yesterday I left a house and I had like it was raining a little bit but my jacket had you know like some more water on it I'm like that's weird it's
it's like oil or something I must have brushed past a car or tree sap you know so I smell it I'm like oh god that's horrific um I'm like what is that and when I get home after a day out i i asked my wife like smell that what do you think it is she goes i think that's cat piss uh i'm like what i think
it's like cat when they do their when they spray when they spray for uh marking their territory marking their territory i'm like oh god and and so cat spraying your hours in in the house because i think because of the rats of the rat and the rat smell is still around he's decided to like piss up the wall
maybe he's warning other rats don't come here maybe that was an unfortunate incident for your coat it's like the whole house stinks of cat it's a urine now isn't your cat an arsehole yes he is but like you know he's a french cat he's fucking useless he doesn't do his job properly we did neuter him of course
he's still spraying he's still spraying well maybe he's protecting you from future rat it could also be because we took away his bird that he brought in and i was like no you're not bringing in a dead bird into this house don't they bring the birds for you that's a gift for you no it was a mark of respect
apparently that's because we read up about it in the last couple of days because we're like we need to figure out what's going on here apparently they bring it back in because it's the comfortable place where they know that they're safe and they can eat it safely without being i was going to say i was going
to say if they bring in a mouse that's a that's a gift if they bring in a bird that's an insult to you according to the law of the cat world like a bird is like a a big insult I don't know I'm just making it oh okay yeah it's like a big I was following you I was like oh really a cute little bird as
well like a little blue a blue tit or something yeah it's a something blue tit I can't remember what it's called like the one on the wall behind you there oh yeah a little bit something like that yeah a blue tit yeah and obviously it's good because also our daughter's not not so traumatised about death
you know because she sees the cat killing stuff and she's like oh the animal's dead with like zero we were talking about that's not my experience our cat killed a mouse which is kind of why we got her to kill mice because we had mice she killed this mouse she left it on the like mat of our door and then
my daughter was really upset and then we had to write a message to warn the other mice and leave it out like be careful there's a cat like don't come around so now you wrote that in English yeah the mice they can read so the first of all the mice in Morte speak English yeah absolutely they can read
English she illustrated it to help them understand.
As we left the note out, subsequently there have been other dead mice and I have to like swoop down on them quickly because so she doesn't see them.
I used to have a cat when my family lived in the countryside and the cat was just, you know, a voracious hunter and he would catch squirrels and you'd see him sometimes.
Squirrels? Yeah, squirrels, rabbits, squirrels.
Rabbits? Yeah, during the day he was a domesticated normal cat.
at night he would turn into like beast beast mode.
Sounds like your son yeah yeah yeah it's another story for another time yeah but yeah the cat would go off and he would be catching rabbits and squirrels.
I saw him catch a squirrel once and he bit its head off in front of me as well and we would sometimes come down in the morning and on the mat there would just be a tail like a rabbit's tail just the tail or a little spleen just like one little organ just left on the mat and it's consumed the entire
rabbit except for one thing, it's like, oh my god this is our little fluffy cat whose name was Posey an absolutely terrifying monster oh it was a boy as well Posey, maybe it's like call a boy Sue, you know man called, yeah that Johnny Cash song, yeah exactly yeah great song Hey guys, have you heard
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So rats. Yeah, I was thinking about rats.
I saw a rat on the way to work yesterday.
Did you? Paris. Yeah.
But I was walking to the British Council across Avilaid, the Esplanade.
And there was just a rat running in front of me.
Took a video of it as well.
Did you? Yeah. Do you want to see the video?
Yeah, of course I want to see the video.
Okay. But like in the town hall, in the Mary, in front of the Mary.
Which town hall? Our town hall.
Here's the rat. just running around in front of me you can't see this but just imagine a little rat running along it's not that little quite a chunky fella in the town hall in front of us it's a little bit green there's a little bit of space but like sometimes sorry there was another noise my phone
camera has got 10 % battery remaining why is it struggling so much today I don't know it doesn't seem to be charging but anyway so we were there and it was like dusk so like nightfall and then that's when the rats come out and they were sort of running around I can't remember which one of my kids said
it but then they were like oh can we go and see the rats and I thought the urban children it's so sad oh can we go and watch the rats mummy can we go see the rats having a night when they come out oh horrible so it's too late otherwise we'll miss the rats let's go we can still catch the rats Have you
ever had an encounter with a rat in Paris?
I used to have pet rats.
Did you? Yeah. Yeah.
Well, they make quite good pets.
Yeah, yeah. Because they're chunky.
They're a chunky rodent.
Not like a mouse. You can't really play with a mouse rat.
You can have a nicer play.
I don't know. You just see rats all the time, don't you?
You do. Do you want to see some fun facts about rats?
Sure. They have a very good memory.
So that rat will not forget your hospitality.
But will he tell the other rats?
Like crows do. Well, apparently they're very social animals, especially at Christmas, which is why this one wanted to come and spend Christmas with the Taylor family.
They enjoy a bit of eggnog.
Rats are very suspicious, which is not a surprise, because whenever I see one, I always think, what's that rat up to?
But it doesn't mean suspicious in that way, that they are suspicious of things.
So if you put a trap down, the rat will be like, not quite sure.
so um so just look this up now or did you have this ready to go i may have had this ready to go how did you know i can add some information you mentioned the fact that i mentioned the mentioned the rat thing but he didn't tell me the story so okay i had that oh you had it lined up you've got one of the most
professional interviewers on the planet ladies and gentlemen he's like oh we've got don't come with anything prepared however he knows the stories he knows what he knows how to he knew that that was coming yeah pro podcaster yeah you were going to say something amber what i was going to say he's got
a million followers on the wall absolutely i mean work got them all pinned to the wall there hard by the day you need to comment in the comments below just saying luke's a pro and we'll see how many with a little rat emoji oh luke luke's a pro ah with a rat emoji in the comments go now pod pro pro pod
right rats are very clean and actually hate getting dirty so they must be very unhappy all the time right yeah especially when they're being sprayed with water maybe he was that was his happiest it was when he was getting sprayed with water I suppose it's where you're where the standards are yeah like
they could be like clean for a rat can still be covered in feces like this is true it's very hard Yeah.
Rats are colourblind and have very poor eyesight, apparently.
So if you do see one, you could safely give it the finger and you'll be all right.
Can't remember what you can't see, right?
Yeah, exactly. Yeah.
Rats are excellent climbers, jumpers and swimmers.
Apparently they can jump 70 centimetres, which is about up to the height of a desk.
and they can jump horizontally about 120 metres which is 120 metres lengthways horizontally apparently 120 metres that can't be right 120 centimetres for the sake Usain Bolt can't even run 100 metres I'm a pro podcaster 120 centimetres sorry that would be ridiculous quite a difference We were imagining
it and that's why we were concerned They can fly apparently Some of you did already know rats have sharp teeth and their teeth are constantly growing which is quite a terrifying all rodents Just constantly growing that's why they have to gnaw on bits of wood and stuff to wear the teeth They're like
nails, they just keep growing so they have to cut them down They have an incredible tail function So great and there are more than 60 species of rat in the world unfortunately and rats breed non -stop so they're just constantly shagging constantly shagging each other all the time well at least someone
is there is a department of the police which is just dedicated to dealing with pests in paris which includes rats and pigeons and cockroaches and any you know any kind of like stuff like that yeah and we went to that department um to interview the people who were in charge of it i know the exciting
life i leave you uh you went to interview the people in charge of dealing with the rats who's for what purpose well that's a very good question did you already have that list of things sadly i did not have that oh you weren't a pro i was not a pro yeah was it for panam podcast no no no no no no oh it
was way before that so it was when i was in clown school when I was in theatre school and we had to do a project where we went to like a sort of secret we went to something kind of unusual and we turned it into theatre so somewhere where people don't usually go okay and so we decided to do it about like
rats and pests basically and then we found out that like there's this one woman so I had friends in the same group they went and interviewed this woman who like rehabilitates pigeons so she looks after all the sort of pigeons and like you know because pigeons I thought you meant like criminal or drug
addicted pigeons also exactly rehabilitate them get them back into work you know like get them off get them off the drugs yeah get them pecking around again yeah yeah don't pigeons you know they've lost a little pigeons eat in the most stupid way have you seen yeah is it Daniel Kitson he did a routine
about that I don't know about Daniel Kitson but there's this woman on TikTok and so she says she's got a whole thing she's like come with me for a day in London as a pigeon as what I eat and so she's just got like these pigeons and she'll be like I started off in the morning with a bit of leftover takeaway
it was delicious with the girls it's just these pigeons pecking on this like takeaway and then like all the sort of like random places that pigeons eat because it's pretty gross but the way they eat is that they there's the food on the ground they go and peck it and then they throw it over their head
they just throw it right over their head behind themselves do they it's the most ridiculous way to eat imagine if humans did that they're like oh I want a bit of fish and chips lovely just eat it and then just throw it all over your head.
Yeah, it's their way of, I think, breaking stuff up.
I've never seen that.
I think the, I think the, it's like if you've got the thing that you, like a piece of bread, let's say, on the floor, they will peck into it and then flick their head back in order to break a part off of it.
But I also have a feeling that it might be because they're social animals that it means that the food does get spread around a bit more.
So if one of them pecks at the food, it gets flung in the air and then another one can have a go and it sort of benefits the group rather than the individual.
You don't get one massive pigeon and lots of other little ones.
Instead, it sort of spreads the food around a bit.
But they're ridiculous birds, aren't they really?
Well, no. No? They're rather majestic, magical birds, aren't they?
Oh, okay. I mean, they saved many lives, the pigeons.
Oh, this is true. In what?
In World War II? World War I, I believe.
And World War II. They were, I mean, pigeons are feral.
They're not wild. So, you know, we've done them dirty.
basically by yeah by abandoning them by setting up cities and then allowing them to live in them and get all dirty we domesticated pigeons oh and then we were like oh i don't want pigeons anymore but the ones we see flying around those are still wild aren't they they're wild but they're a sort of feral
animal so they're not meant to be wild this is not where they would you know kind of live and they're not very well adapted to it because their feet go all wrong don't they they Have you seen that?
Yeah. Do you know why that is?
They get some sort of infection on their feet.
Well, it's because...
Well, I know this, actually.
Go on. Is this what you learned in clown school?
No, I found this out in a book.
Yeah. In clown school, I learned how they control the rats.
They have to, like, block up the holes.
Rats are quite dangerous to humans.
And they have to put...
Because rats can bite through concrete.
They can bite through all sorts of stuff, like the sort of sewer rats.
And so when they do, like, work in Paris, the rats come up.
and that's really dangerous.
And so what they do is they have to fill up the holes with concrete, but in the concrete they need to put something like wire or broken glass so that the rats will cut themselves.
And apparently that incites the other rats to eat them.
Oh, I see. So one of the rats bites into the concrete, cuts themselves and bleeds.
And the other rats are like, hmm, dinner time.
Oh, yeah. They feast on...
They're sociable, but they're also cannibals.
Absolute bastards, aren't they?
Oh, it's terrifying.
I mean, there's rats and rats.
There's domestic rats and there's, you know, obviously sewer rats they're not the same yeah um but the pigeons so the pigeons they lose their feet because what paul's had a funny look on his face i just i just love how this podcast has gone from how was your christmas day to now a 45 minute introduction to
hear a different species of rats and what they do it's a bit like fucking pigeons it's a bit like humans isn't it really there's Some of them are nice and some of them are absolute psychotic, murderous maniacs.
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm going to finish.
There's a rap podcast where they're talking about humans.
They've asked themselves, how's your Christmas Day?
One of them is telling them, oh, mate, it was the worst.
And now they're doing, I went to go to this human museum once and it's just the opposite in another world.
One of them just sprayed me with water.
It was ridiculous. I just like I found a really great spot behind this radiator.
and these bloody humans started spraying me with water.
One of them tried to poke me in the head with an umbrella.
And I just pretended he got me but in the wrong place and I just went, oh no, please don't hurt me.
Yeah. Possibly. Anyway.
So you were about to...
Pigeons, they don't hop and they don't sort of pick up their feet, they sort of shuffle, don't they?
If you notice how they walk, they don't hop, they're not like a hopping bird.
So they sort of like shuffle around the city they're such a metaphor aren't they pigeons and what happens is they get little bits of hair usually wrapped around their feet so especially if you go around Chateau Rouge where there's lots of like hair salons Yeah none of the pigeons have feet but they
get that and it winds around their little foot like more and more and more and it cuts off the circulation and essentially that's how they lose their feet of course it can be infections and stuff like that but that's the main reason Wow I know That's an interesting fact Yeah, just at my fingertips Human hair
in cities Just chops off pigeons' feet Poor pigeons, honestly What a life Well I don't know where to go from here Well we can have a segue Because I was keen to hear about your jumper Yeah that's right Can I just say So Paul is wearing a rather fetching Black sweater Amber do you want to describe the sweater?
He's wearing a lovely jumper I know the brand It's Saint James Saint James A French brand They use wool They've got They're quite a sort of High neck Because I did buy one for That's It's high neck And the shoulders are a little bit Structured Structured So it makes I think that's why it makes it look
It's very They're known in France For the Stereotypical French The stripy The mariniere The stripy top Yeah Which is Maritime Maritime I do look a bit like a Like the cut Makes me look like A sailor.
Yeah, like I'm about to go on a boat.
So this St. James brand, yeah, they do make clothing.
I think they haven't even got a boat on their logo.
No. They're classier than that.
They are based in Brittany, I believe, I think, or on the coast.
Normandy, Brittany, on the coast.
Is there not a boat somewhere?
No, there's no boat.
No boat. You're thinking of Petit Plateau.
Little boat, literally.
It's kids' clothes.
But anyway, so they make clothing which is for sort of sailors.
That's the vibe they're going for.
That's it, sailor. That was the word I was looking for from the beginning.
So it's the sort of sweater that you could imagine someone on a sailboat wearing.
But they're just really nice quality, and they always look really nice.
Thick sweaters made of wool with quite a high neck, as you say.
Oh, it's the Mont Saint -Michel that they've got in their logo.
So, Mont Saint -Michel, which is in Normandy?
Normandy. Yes, okay.
Although it's contested.
Oh, is it? Because apparently it's like there's a border between Normandy and Brittany, and Mont Saint -Michel used to be on Brittany's side and then the water chains it's on Normandy's side or might be the other way around I'm pretty sure it's in Normandy So it's a very nice sweater 5 % battery left
on my camera What's going on here?
It should be charging Maybe it's fluffy Is that An official Apple charger?
I was going to say is that cliffhanger of the jump of 5 % find out in the next episode do you do cliffhangers no okay they don't work for me that is an exciting so anyway let's get to the sweater then yeah so sweater yeah jumper jumper sweaters it's not related to Christmas it kind of is because it happened
during Christmas time but also so my dad who has got like early version of dementia really yeah oh right he he does things that are a bit weird so in like mid -November I get a package through the door and it's from st james yeah uh and i open it and there's like two jumpers in there i'm like oh that's
where is who is this from i don't understand st james yeah but i was like what who why would they have sent me this and i thought because we got in touch with them because for the poster that i made for my show i'm wearing a stripy top yeah because i want it to be a bit stereotypical english a bit stereotypical
french yeah and mix those two together whatever and i thought maybe they i don't know so then i didn't quite understand and i saw the date of the purchase it was the day of my birthday i go uh so then i got attached to my dad's partner to be like did dad buy me these jumpers for my birthday she's like
yeah i'm like okay neither of them fit okay uh they're too small uh do you have the receipt so i can maybe ask are you clearly it's bought online they probably don't do online return like i'll try and figure something out she's like we're in the middle of moving house so i can't really help i don't
have time to help you sorry so i asked him he didn't remember whatever so i was just like oh god so i got in touch with st james on instagram using my you know my instagram blue tick blue tick 170 000 followers i'm like hey st james um dad's got dementia he bought me these presents like a month ago
i i i can't find the receipt he can't find it he doesn't even remember buying them all this kind of stuff i use your like as you can see by my poster i use your thing your stripy tops for my poster and i'm gonna wear that on stage is there any way i can come in and exchange these because they're too
small, like, you know, whatever, blah, blah, blah.
And it took ages, it took like a month for it to sort out because they had to go through the head office, do the thing or whatever and blah, blah, blah.
And like, yeah, come in and we can give you an exchange for an amount of up to €325.
I was like, sorry, how much?
Well, they're expensive, those jumpers.
Yeah, I had no idea.
They're €150 each, easy.
Yeah, I was like, sorry, how much?
You know, I'm like angry at my dad for spending that much money on jumpers that I didn't, one, ask for and two weren't my size.
And three, he's apparently poor and has no money left.
So it's kind of like, you know, it's that dementia thing where he's kind of, anyway.
So I went into the shop.
None of them had a clue who I was, you know.
What? Don't you know who I am?
No, but what I mean was like...
I'm Paul Taylor, don't you know?
I had to re -explain the whole...
Mistake. Huge. You've messed with the wrong person.
You don't know who I am.
I had in my own series on Canal Plus.
No. I had to re -explain the whole story My dad bought these And apparently the head officer called you And they're like, alright, we'll see what we can do And it's a tiny shop that's no bigger than this Which one did you go to?
The one in Le Marais It was rammed And I was inconveniencing the whole stuff They didn't know how to find the They've got nothing bad to do, that's literally their job Yeah I know, but they also had other people who just genuinely wanted to buy stuff Just normal people Who don't have 170 ,000 followers
On Instagram they don't have a blue tick they don't have a blue tick these fucking losers who wanted to spend money and I just wanted to not spend money and so the money has been spent your dad spent the money yeah he spent the money and so eventually you know some of the t -shirts I'm like yeah they're
not they don't feel right they're not they didn't have the white on the black and the short sleeve I was just like do you have any jumpers that are similar to this one and I had my black Uniqlo she's got we've got one that looks very similar so that it's a bit thicker and I tried it on And I'm like,
yeah, just get two of these.
Fine. Let's go. So that's why I have now a fancy black jumper.
They look really nice.
They're very nice. And I have to say, you're lucky that you found ones that didn't have buttons on the shoulders.
You don't like the buttons.
I can't have buttons on the shoulders of my sweaters.
I don't know. I just don't want buttons.
Why are you calling them sweaters?
What's happened? What's wrong with saying?
The word is jumper.
What, is that American English?
Is it? Oh, sorry, everybody.
But sweater is also a hideous word.
Is it? Yeah. Because of sweat.
Yeah. Okay. jumper is a much nicer word you're absolutely right jumper is much better pullover are you ok with that I don't know I feel like it's a thinner material like a sort of what they might call a sweatshirt how would you if you're wearing a hoodie but without the hood that type of material sweatshirt
material what would you call that I'd still a jumper right I'd still probably call it a jumper we just call that would be a jumper this would be a jumper that's definitely a jumper you've got a woolly is this a jumper this is a jumper it's a thin jumper but it's a jumper but there's a distinction between a jumper
and a woolly jumper yeah oh oh we're cutting it fine is my battery still 5 % still okay it's still filming us woolly jumper would be one that's made of wool and a jumper is just you know as we've described could be any but I mean a sweatshirt is what you're talking about a hoodie but without the hood
that material that's a sweatshirt technically yes it is I think technically but I think aka sweater but you did can I just point out the fact that you did just call me up on my English on my own English podcast it was also the third time you said sweater and I saw that you nearly jumped out of your
skin and fell off your chair if that's possible just a skeleton left on the floor in that case this is a question for you both of you because my children mix english british english and american english because they listen to like podcasts and watch films and stuff like that do you step in no because i'm
i'm very much it's candy floss not cotton candy oh yeah well in certain cases yeah of course i'm i would definitely i would never let my daughter get away with calling it cotton candy right no way it's candy floss yeah but then you know next time she says sweater give her a slap and say it's jumper
you imbecile on the naughty step um yeah but then you know her pronunciation sometimes it goes a bit american and i'm all right with that i don't mind that i mean um that that happens as well tomato i've lost tomato i've had tomato a number of times no she doesn't do so you keep saying these things
i'm like yeah it's fine and then you give me examples i'm like actually no stand for tomato i don't stand for tomato but i've lost bath what bath but it just sounds but it just sounds northern it just sounds Because it's that soft A.
Bath. Bath. So it just sounds like bath.
Because in England, you've got bath, you've got bath, and you've got bath as well, haven't you?
In the Southwest, bath, which is a bit more like American English, bath.
Oh, yeah, a little bit.
So, yeah, I can see that's not so bad, but something like tomato?
No. Absolutely not.
No, I agree. Cotton candy.
I'm against it. Pants are only underwear.
A candy cane, or what do you call a pumpkin?
What do they call it?
jack -o' -lantern jack -o' -lantern crisscross apple sauce nope no yeah okay fair dues i don't i tolerate certain bits of american english pronunciation but uh when there are clear delineations trash trash no wait no elevator it's rubbish no lift not an elevator absolutely yeah it's a biscuit it's not a cookie
get to your room that used to be my i used to be quite guilty of that myself because obviously when i was working at apple wait did i ever tell you that i worked at apple what is that it's this first I'm hearing this this is the first I'm hearing this I've got an iphone x I'm using it as a webcam and it
keeps flashing up that it's 20 % battery even though it's plugged in but people ask you these about apple stuff all the time so anyway when I work for them like I find myself subconsciously using americanisms just to be more understood you know like you just go with you know that if I say lift there's
going to be like oh right elevator so you just end up saying elevator instead or apartment instead of flat but um you go home and have a little cry though afterwards don't you because you feel so bad like i gotta believe i had to say elevator no but you have to do this anymore you have to with americans
like i worked with americans and i told them all like i said we're gonna go to the eiffel tower later be sure to bring a jumper no one brought a jumper because they're thinking what someone what to jump off the eiffel tower why would they didn't know what i was talking about so it's true like you have to
sort of modify your language when you're speaking to americans but not in my own home not in my own home sir isn't that what they call a jumper in american it's like we've got a jumper meaning someone who's going to jump off a building no but they call it like a um a jumpsuit okay is what they would call
a jumper right i don't even think they call i think they just call it a jumpsuit so they presume that we mean that's what i thought yeah that's they all thought i told them to wear a jumpsuit because they think we're gonna go up the eiffel tower so make sure you bring a jumpsuit and a parachute as well
because there's no lift.
Sorry, I mean elevator.
Yeah. Cue. They don't understand.
Cue. There's lots of...
So I agree with you.
I mean, when I speak to Americans, it's just quicker and easier to say elevator, sidewalk, you know, line, stuff like that.
And we understand those things as British people anyway.
So I think unless you're in a pub in a small town in England, do you know what I mean?
Like, I think it's all right to say sweater and, you know, like Louise will ask me she'll be like she'll say something and I'll be like oh yeah that's what American like Candy Cane because she watches Gabby's Dollhouse and there's Candy Cane and I'm like yeah in English we say no hold on was it Candy
Cane what was the one you said something Jack O 'Lanson Candy Floss no Candy Floss yeah so I'll be like in American they say cotton candy which technically makes more sense because it's like candy but it feels like cotton whereas Candy Floss you're like is that like passive aggressive English anger though
is like well You called it cotton candy, but actually in British English, because remember you're British, it's actually candy floss.
Okay, now don't do that again.
You've got to understand.
My daughter said to me, what is a parody?
What's a parody? From Gabby's doll's house.
And I was like, it is an American party.
It's like a party, but in America, parody.
We have a parody. it's like where someone brings in a keg of beer and everyone gets loaded and there's some guy who smashes a can of beer on his head and I think Louise is good at accents so I think she'll be okay with that she the other day I was reading her a book which is called Ludo the Dodo it's
from Mauritius when I was on tour there I got her this little book and at some point they're building sandcastles and there's a page in there where it says and I'm the king of the castle and so I was reading this in bed and obviously I just went king of the castle wow wow we wow just because it reminded
me of Borat and that scene where he's walking around in a really like shit hotel room like flown in from Kazakhstan and he's like wow wow we wow king of the castle I am in a chair this is a chair wow wow we wow and so I started imitating that and then at some point she just cracked it out she just goes
king of the castle wow wow we wow and it was amazing and like she waited for my wife to come up and she's like mummy in French she goes mummy do you know what daddy is and my wife's like what I think I've got an idea I knew what was coming but my wife's like what do you mean what is he she's like well
what is daddy she's like he's a man she's like no what is daddy and I'm like trying not to explode she's like what is daddy and my wife's like I don't know what do you mean what is daddy he's a human he's a comedian he's a he's English what do you mean she goes no mummy he's king of the castle and she
did like the whole shoulder movements and everything it was amazing my daughter's got like a odd accent that shifts as I said between American English and British English because a lot of her mates are American yeah I was gonna say but it's not just an American accent she's got like this sometimes it
sounds like a like a New Jersey kind of action so she uh she's obsessed with horses unicorns yeah but she's not it's not a horse it's a horse so she'll be playing like okay so you're a horse and I'm a unicorn and we're gonna take the subway together yeah and uh like close the door as well she calls
it a door and a horse and a unicorn.
I love that. And I'm actually fine with that because it sounds so cute.
That's so good. She should always say that.
Have you found the culprit parents from New Jersey?
No, there's no one around who's from New Jersey.
She's not like watching The Sopranos or something.
You know what I mean?
So she's just gangster.
She's just got that kind of Italian -American kind of gangster thing going on.
I love that for her.
Wow. Good for her, right?
So, guys, before my phone dies, we should probably call it quits on the episode here.
What do you think? I think your computer's talking shit.
You reckon? Well, I don't know.
I find it weird. That's continuity camera, which is...
So that's this guy.
It's connected via Wi -Fi.
It's plugged into the connection to the...
I don't know. It's weird.
It's plugged into the mains power.
Into the mainframe.
Normally, filming with it doesn't drain it like that.
No. Especially if it's plugged in, it shouldn't be drained.
It's about time to wrap it up.
We should wrap up and investigate.
Yeah, it's been an hour and eight minutes.
I think so. Wrap up and investigate.
Okay, so any concluding thoughts?
Any sort of statements to wrap up the episode?
What has been the outcome?
I feel like we should probably wish your listeners a happy 2025.
Yeah. Absolutely. Wherever they are in the world, because they're all over the world, your listeners.
They are indeed. your watchers your viewers on YouTube and I hope that they have a good one and you know that this helps them if they're having a rough first week then it helps them have a smile yeah this is going to go up probably in about two to three weeks I was going to say two to three months so all
right fuck it then no happy this will go up as long as it's January you can still say happy new year we'll see it's still the beginning of the year yeah we can still say When we spent the entire time Talking about our Christmas Yeah but that's alright Put it up in August this would be amazing If you
just cancelled This and then just saved it Until August and then I'm waiting actually for the medieval museum episode That's going to go up maybe in August You've forgotten that even happened I haven't put that up yet The editing gave me such a headache That I just put it to one side And I haven't gone
back to it Because other episodes like i've said before this this podcast is like a a train or a huge uh sort of juggernaut or a container ship where if something falls off you've got to like turn the whole ship around yeah and uh sometimes something comes off and you just got to keep plowing forwards
because the next thing comes up the next thing the next thing the podcast train just keeps on rolling it was a technically ambitious episode it's gonna happen It'll come back.
I'll just muster up the courage to get back into the editing and then I'll smash it and then there'll be something where there'll be no ending because everyone's microphone's cut out at different times.
But anyway, that will arrive at some point.
We could do an in -studio ending.
Maybe. We could do a little in -studio.
We could do an in -studio intro and in -studio outro.
The intro is... You're like, hi, welcome to the thing, blah, blah, blah.
The intro's easy because it's just you talking.
No, the intro's all right.
It's us standing in a park.
That's true In front of the medieval museum Yeah but we need an intro to that now Because that was a year ago Yeah Or is it more When was that?
That was a year and a half ago No no no No no no It was the beginning of summer Last year June, July Yeah Yeah it was Yeah Yeah Oh was my brother just about to leave Yeah he had just finished He's finished his contract He's about to leave around the world Exactly And then we went to a pub And we paid
A billion euros Like 14 euros For a pint of Carlsberg each, do you remember?
I do remember You were in a steaming mood over something or other No surprise.
Was I? Yeah When am I ever in a big, big bad mood you were.
About something that happened to us or just in general life.
No, no, no, the medieval museum was fine but once we'd done that wrapped that up it was like back to being in a really bad mood again and then 14 euros for a pint of Carlsberg.
It wasn't really hot as well.
It was so hot It was work related stuff for you, you know Wasn't Edinburgh coming up?
Oh, I think it was all of that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK.
Edinburgh, getting the poster ready for the Edinburgh Fringe.
It was supposed to, the next day you had the photo shoot.
Right. And there was all drama.
Yeah, the photo shoot for your poster for the Edinburgh comedy.
Or you'd just done the photo shoot and you'd been massively hung over and like, there'd been drama.
There was photo shoot drama.
OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK. So anyway, listeners, Happy New Year.
I hope that your Christmas was better than Paul's.
And if you do end up It was good But it was just Very tiring And now I might have 10 minutes Extra stuff To talk about on stage Indeed Look forward to that Oh by the way Listeners Bizzou Bye Paul's spectacular Third one man show Written by the man himself Written performed Live on stage In various locations
Around the world Is now available To be viewed On the tube of you The tube of you YouTube YouTube Bizzou Bye Let's give a plug for that Filmed live in Belgium In Brussels Yes The show that everyone has been talking about What's the concept of Bizou Bai It's my final bilingual show So when you click
on it In the settings on YouTube You can put the English subtitles Or the French subtitles I don't have any other language subtitles on there Because I don't speak any of the other languages So put the English subtitles on everyone Yeah Put the English subtitles on and you'll be able to understand the French
bits. Or like 50 % of it's in English, 50 % of it's in French with English subtitles.
And it's the whole concept of the show is saying goodbye to a bilingual show and saying goodbye to other things in my life, including alcohol, the queen, things like that.
So the theme of the show was goodbye.
And of course, the Russian joke stories included.
And part of the bilingual, like saying goodbye to bilingual is that no one understands our English jokes in France and Luke's Russian story joke or Luke's Russian story, no...
Russian joke story.
Russian joke story, I said, the Russian joke story, which is one of the fan favourites of your podcast.
Yeah, I suppose, yeah.
I mean, I've been trying to drop it for about a decade.
We'll never let you go.
The Russian joke is back, ladies and gentlemen.
We talked about it a couple of episodes ago, so we've been through it again, so we don't need to do that again.
And also, in this one, when I say the original joke, like Luke said it on stage the entire audience laughed and I was like yes there we go an audience that understands the joke the audience in Brussels finally got it yeah but I'm happy that that joke is finally getting the audience that it did it deserved
as opposed to 12 non -English speakers in a cave who were just like didn't even know a joke had even happened yeah what's funny is when that happens in that cave in front of 12 people little did we know that 10 years later I'd be in front of 800 people in Brussels explaining that well that we would be
in at the zenith in front of 4 000 people at the beginning of january yeah uh last year explaining this joke and still half the room not understanding it and then having to explain it in french it just it's the joke that keeps on giving it is isn't it yeah it's like yeah the lore of luke's english podcast
in action yeah um okay well thanks guys let's go and have some lunch oh yeah good idea okay uh okay everybody thank you so much for listening thank you so much for watching i think i'll probably i don't think i'll do an ending uh you know i might do an intro before the intro and then i'll have to do
an intro to that uh so this is the way it goes on luke's english podcast so after the 19 intros that's probably enough i don't think i'll need to do an ending so let's say goodbye now thank you so much for listening have a lovely morning afternoon evening or night and speak to you next time but for now
it's time to say good bye bye bye bye i think your camera's died bye when did that happen just now oh really perfect timing i saw it freeze thanks for listening to luke's english podcast for more information visit teacherluke .co .uk I'll see you next time.
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