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Hello and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s.
The very unprofessional podcast whereby I talk through some of the big changes and transition of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hi, how are we all?
Are we mad? We talk through some of the big changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Ciao. Bonjour. How are we all?
Clock down week five, baby.
Just had an extension.
Announced this morning, so here we are, thriving.
Maybe it's a nap. Some social connection, a case of beers, maybe something crazy.
You guys are all doing well, wherever you may be listening, locked down or not.
Hope the sun is shining, that you're being COVID safe, obviously.
And that something amazing has happened to you this week.
I'm just going to jump right into it.
This topic, the friendship breakup, has been on my mind, haunting my dreams, quite a bit for the past month or so.
But I haven't really been able to work up the courage to record it or research it, I think, for what she wants.
Are we all back now, hydrated, happier?
Good, let's get into it.
I really didn't know what to record this week.
I had a bunch of episodes planned around internalized misogyny, friendship breakups, which I put on my Instagram story, dating apps, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
It all just seemed a little bit trivial.
And there are also episodes I want to give a bit more thought and research into, and I kind of hit the lockdown depression wall pretty hard these past three days.
So let's be honest, I'm not really up for researching a 30 minute episode on friendship breakups right now.
I feel like that would just be a little bit too much.
So sorry to disappoint.
But I'm sure a few of you are in the same boat for Canberra.
It's been about three weeks since I last got to hug my beautiful friends and exist beyond this pattern of work and uni, walks around the neighbourhood, half a bottle of wine at the end of the night.
And I just miss humans being messy and attractive and weird and funny.
And Zoom just does not do people justice, especially the beautiful people in my life.
You know, their souls are just too big for Zoom.
They're too big. So I thought for this week we could actually address, you know, a very current moment in time to happen for a great episode.
I do just want to say before we get into it, this is not some like personal rant about people who have left my life, no bad feelings will be shared here.
I just think it's a really interesting topic.
And researching this has caused me to reflect on some of my own friendship, but my housemates do not give me nearly enough hugs because their love language is not physical affection.
But mine is. So Oscar, Ariana, if you're listening, often, I think uncharted terrain.
Yeah. And I think I just received a lot of personal closure looking back at some of those friendships, thinking about what I could have done differently or maybe what I didn't need to do.
You know, yeah, I'll explain kind of my thinking behind it a little bit later.
Yeah. And like I said, a lot of personal closure that I would just love to share.
So in researching this episode, I read more suggest really fucking tired.
So maybe the length of this episode can serve as a lesson that it's important to give ourselves, you know, a little bit of space and be extra patient around what we're capable of doing during these times.
So I read this excellent article recently on the impact of lockdown on our mental health.
And I think it really sums up the thought and emotional patterns I'm sure heaps of us are going through.
So essentially, COVID lockdowns are the world's biggest and most profound psychological experiment like ever.
So since COVID emerged, 5 .5 billion people have entered some form of lockdown.
And we already have all these studies and papers being released about the impacts on people mentally and emotionally.
And in short, and perhaps unsurprisingly, people who are quarantined, you're very likely to develop a wide range of symptoms of just psychological stress, low mood, insomnia, stress, irritability, emotional exhaustion, depression as well.
And even post -traumatic stress symptoms, yeah, but low mood and irritability specifically, they stand out as being super common was one study that I was reading said.
And I think reasons for stress are just so abound in lockdown.
There's risk of infection, there's the fear of becoming sick or losing loved ones, financial hardship being isolated from people, and all of these many more as well that they're present in this current pandemic.
And I think what will be really interesting to see is the long term effects of this psychologically, especially perhaps even some form of generational trauma could kind of come out of this because it is something that very few generations have experienced to this magnitude.
And I'm not at all saying that this is any sort of argument against lockdowns because I'm not an idiot.
But I do think that the context is important to be able to understand what we can do individually at the moment to keep ourselves sane.
So trauma psychologists have broken down a typical pattern of response or individual phases in response to a disaster or something unexpected like a lockdown.
And these stages, most people move through them when confronted with something that kind of alters the norm.
So here's the thing, even if it's your second, third, seventh lockdown, these phases are still pretty much the same, even with fatigue and formative learning due to the experience of previous lockdowns.
So this model that researchers proposed.
So when we first lock down, when it when it first begins, we have this initial, adaptational response.
We might feel hyper focused and prepared.
However, as time kind of progresses, the impact is finally really delivered, which is often accompanied by that peak in stress and to your life, even if that friendship is no longer fruitful or successful.
I had this actually with someone like thinking of them, I had this with someone at the end of last year.
And I think as much as it was important to no longer speak to this friend and essentially cut them off, there are times that I really miss them and I miss their presence because we did share a lot of memories and a lot of personal vulnerability.
So it was a hard conundrum.
And I have had quite a few moments, I won't lie, where I've wanted to reach where I've wanted to message them, rekindled the conversation, talk kind of about what went wrong.
But I just realized that it is for the best that we're no longer in each other's lives.
And as far as I can say, they're really happy.
And so am I. So I think it's just best to leave it be, even though it's really fucking awkward when I run into them in Dixon Woolies.
Yeah, maybe if they're listening to this, they'll know it's about them.
But yeah, I think no one's entirely replaceable, even when you do know that those friendships aren't meant to last.
And like I said, as important as friendships are romantic, through more weeks of being by ourselves or being in quarantine, things shift and people undergo a psychological transformation away from shock and action to a stillness, but also an emptiness as well.
This is for what, you know, for many, I'm sure what lockdown kind of feels like this rollercoaster of stress to elation to stillness, numbness, stagnation, especially as the novelty wears off and reality kind of sinks in.
So there's this idea that a lockdown or quarantine consists of six stages for someone internally.
So stage one, we've got that initial action and planning, where it's just been announced, and you're thinking about all the groceries you need to buy, you're thinking about all the things that you need to organize.
And it's kind of like this survival mode where we're like, we have to get everything ready for this big change.
And then we hit stage two, and it's kind of keep calm, carry on.
Let's just get through this.
A lot of unknowns. And then stage three.
So stage three is kind of like that honeymoon phase that these trauma psychologists thought of.
So it's a sense of elation, often associated with like a productivity frenzy.
You know, you're just throwing yourself into new projects, throwing yourself into uni and work, exercising heaps.
And then we hit stage four, which is that paralysis and anxiety I was talking about.
And then stage five, so slowing down, kind of getting into the groove of it.
You know, you've had time to adjust to this.
You feel that you kind of are capable of understanding what's going.
And then we have stage six, which I'm sure a lot of us are in now, which is just numbness and the new kind of normal.
Like some people call it like a lump mode, just like boredom, stagnation, kind of not having anything going on.
And burnout is also, you know, the inevitability of a breakup from a relationship in your teenage years.
Or, you know, in your 20s.
It's understood. It's a dynamic of a romantic attachment.
But with friendships, we assume that our friends will be around forever.
We expect that we'll be, you know, old people retiring together, beat each other's weddings, meet the family, meet each other's kids.
So this means that if there is a breakup, we aren't just grieving the present loss of that friend, but also the loss of that friend in our imagined future.
And I'm kind of hoping or simultaneously calm me down and motivate me.
So I'm just a bit confused by the point of existing at the moment.
But it was really useful to kind of read that this is a normal pattern that we tend to go through when we're confronted with something like a lockdown or like a disaster.
And a burnout, a burnout is a big thing to watch out for this in this time, especially after that period of heightened anxiety and adapting to a new normal, moving away from getting stimulation from going out to bars and seeing people and having activities to do.
But it's a hard adjustment.
And it does place a lot of pressure on our coping mechanisms and our nervous system as well.
So burnout, it's, like I said, really something to look out for in this time and make sure you're checking in with yourself.
It often looks like mental exhaustion, really irritable, reduced concentration, detachment.
Number one, something bad happens.
A betrayal, circumstances that make you realize that you and that other person can no longer be friends.
These are relationships that N has been feeling at least is this lack of distinction between my personal and my home life, my leisure, relaxing space and then work and uni as well.
There is just no separation between work and you have those friends you were really close to at some point.
And now the conversation no longer flows in the same manner.
And you both kind of recognize that you don't really have that same spark.
And finally, incompatibility and values.
Perhaps you were really good friends for some time.
Time. It's really hard in your 20s, especially when we live in small share houses or apartments with roommates.
It's just really fucking hard.
So, I'll find myself using my room for everything, which makes it really hard to switch off firstly, but also really hard to switch on when I have to do tasks or accomplish things that are work related.
Like I said, productivity has definitely taken a huge nosedive, but a really interesting research paper I read on this, however, offered some really good suggestions for creating distinction between different activities in your mind whilst you are unable to create physically distinct.
My friend Lucy, she said this to me the other day.
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
And that applies to friendships, I think, more than any other kind of relationship.
Think about all those people that you know from high school who are still friends with the exact same people.
There just has to be, I think, some tension and incompatibility in these situations.
You know, how can you be on the same trajectory as every person in your life that you have ever?
Your bed is for rest and the couch is for TV and you cannot do any other task in the station that you've associated with one other or the universe just explodes.
That's the lesson. You have to keep them distinct.
And this is a really good method separating your space.
It's really good for increasing productivity and giving some form of routine and nuance to the hours in your day.
And I did try this.
It did really help for a while, but then it got really rainy and cold outside.
And, you know, sometimes you just want to watch your lectures in bed.
But if you have the space and the discipline, I would definitely recommend there is evidence behind this really helping creating those little stations.
And I'm sure we've all heard this before, but creating structure around your days, daily rituals, a specific wake up time.
And it should be something that we are more honest about.
If you and a person are no longer compatible, you have different priorities.
You know, why force it at that stage?
Would it not just be better to give each other the thing we make it out to be because there is nothing else kind of enforcing a structure upon you.
But I think eventually a lockdown ends and you've got to be able to move back into everyday life.
So trying to keep up as many of those habits as you can is really helpful in the long term.
The other thing I really stand by is planning pleasurable activities.
So this is a behavioural strategy that's often used for managing depression.
So it's called pleasant activity scheduling and it really helps boost your mood, especially at times when it's really difficult to find things to plan for or to, you know, there's not much to look forward to because things are just so uncertain.
Essentially, as I'm sure you can really exist.
Is this a reason to kind of justify ending a friendship with someone that they're toxic, they're inherently toxic?
And I do have a particular opinion about this, obviously, that I don't think is necessarily shared by everyone.
But I really don't think that toxic people as a category exist.
I don't think that anyone in particular is happiness high, which we do love.
We love to see that.
I think another really hard part of lockdowns and quarantine in general is that there is very little that can replace human connection.
I will be honest, I have spent a large amount of time looking at the RSPCA website, thinking this would be a great time to adopt a cat.
That is a delusional thought.
I do not need to adopt a cat, but it does show that we do need some form of simulation or connection to other living creatures.
When we're deprived of human interactions, our brain literally loses white matter.
In lab animals, for example, I remember this is a really common study that you learn about in many psychology courses.
Basically, experimenters, they isolate lab rats or lab animals, and that isolation is shown to cause brain shrinkage.
And it can lead to an increased risk of Alzheimer's disease in these animals.
So it's imperative that we keep up those social ties, keep reaching out, keep trying to do things.
And if you are feeling deprived of touch or connection, this is kind of sad, but a really good strategy I've found is to clasp your hands together and close your eyes.
It is a proven psychological method for imitating human touch.
And you know, sometimes a girl has to do it.
I want to hold someone's hand.
It may as well be my own.
And we do hear those basic strategies of, you know, calling a friend, reaching out, but sometimes it is human touch that we really do need.
And a warm shower. A narcissistic aggressive person, the frenemy, the negative complaining person and the seductive overly dramatic person.
Start your limbs. It's a really great way to feel attached to the physical present and in your physical form.
Finally, if you're feeling super stressed or panicky, as is still understandable at this time, there are some really helpful things that you can do when you're alone.
Of the friendship may be very gooey and exciting, pleasant even.
There is often a degree of rage or anger when things don't go their own way and intense outbursts almost.
When you spend time with people or you, or they tend to, or, you know, they might perceive that you're neglecting them.
You're communicating with your nervous system this message that, you know, if we were stressed, we wouldn't be eating and if we're in danger, you know, we wouldn't be snacking on almonds because we'd be fleeing.
So it tricks the brain into into calming down by kind of using this form of biofeedback, whether you're able to control these biological flight or flight mechanisms by telling your body there's really nothing to worry about.
And just some more basic examples.
I'm sure you can look these up on the Internet, but if you're listening, maybe this is helpful.
So breathing exercises, vigorous exercise, or finally putting something really cold on your wrists or going outside in the cold.
This helps cool you down, but it also diverts blood back into your brain and back into your heart and centralizes you a bit more.
Like I said, this episode is all over the place.
This was just kind of a rollercoaster of strategies, but I think we way too often find ourselves talking about self care, which is great.
You know, sure. Self care is kind of lauded as this huge mental health antidote, but it's really not a full solution.
You know, doing a face mask is great.
It's nice, but it's not really gonna quell the psychological trauma of going through a pandemic.
You know, I don't know any company that makes a good enough face mask for that, but bigger habits and strategies, they do need to be established.
So hopefully this is somewhat useful.
This is just kind of what I've been learning, what I've been seeing in myself.
I also just feel like this was kind of like a rundown that I needed to be like, yes, a reminder we can get through this.
You know, our brain is something that we're not at the whims of.
Shitty time. I've been watching a lot of Mind Hunters, which hasn't really helped, but is a really good show.
If you want to add something onto the watch list on Netflix, what else have I been doing?
Spending a lot of money at the IGA.
Just buying like done stuff.
Make something funny or about them.
Just cut you off. They talk over you and they often require a lot of attention and energy, but almost never seem to come through for you.
And they never really seem to acknowledge you fresh.
You know what I'm talking about.
The fucking dill mayo.
You know. You know what I'm talking about.
But we will get through this, I'd say, very unconvincingly.
We can get through this.
And in all honesty, I'm wishing you all Godspeed.
This podcast has been such a lifeline for me.
So thanks for all the support and love.
And I'm giving it right back.
And look, you can hear it raining because I am recording this in my car.
How nice. Look at that.
The rain's coming out.
I might go have a nap.
It's very calming. And yeah, stay COVID safe.
Take care of yourselves.
I promise next week I will have a more interesting episode rather than just me rambling about self -care and coping strategies.
Humans have a natural drive to avoid loneliness.
It's built into our DNA.
So when we feel less socially connected or separated or feel like a member of our extended tribe, essentially, is treating us poorly or withdrawing, it creates this visceral knee -jerk reaction emotionally.
And as a tribal species, our brains have adapted to relax myself.
Heineken 00 is the perfect companion for dry January because you feel like you're still participating when you're out for dinner with friends, out for drinks, whilst you're still meeting your lifestyle goals.
I'm a big beer fan.
So I also love the taste of Heineken 00, plus being alcohol -free, you can enjoy whenever refreshment calls.
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Enjoy Heineken responsibly and good luck with dry January.
It can be extra terrifying if you already are in a place of depleted self -esteem.
This also kind of leads on to another reason.
On tech stuff, we travel from the minds of Congo to the surface of Mars.
From conversations with Nobel Prize winners to the depths of TikTok, to ask burning questions about technology.
From high -tech to low culture and everywhere in between, join us.
Listen to tech stuff on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
And represent. I think in our 20s, it's inevitable.
You're going to go through a friendship breakup.
But recognizing when it is time to move on and handling it with grace is kind of our best option at that point.
Honestly, I don't know.
This is a bit weird, but why not have like a breakup chat about it?
I've done it with friends before.
It kind of curbs the awkwardness.
And obviously, that's not an option for everyone if someone's done something really terrible to you.
Cut them out. You know, vibe so high, you don't need them.
Sometimes, you know, you're just going to have to have awkward run -ins with ex -friends and just want to hear about on the next episode of the show.
And as always, thanks so much for listening.
This year, I've been really rethinking my relationship with alcohol.
And so I decided to commit to dry January to really kickstart 2025 and just test myself.
Heineken 00 is the perfect companion for dry January because you feel like you're still participating when you're out for dinner with friends, out for drinks, whilst you're still meeting your lifestyle goals.
I'm a big beer fan, so I also love the taste of Heineken 00.
Plus, being alcohol -free, you can enjoy whenever refreshment calls.
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