#889 - Tony Robbins - How To Build An Extraordinary Life｜Modern Wisdom

It feels a little bit like a curse, I think, of driven people to have high expectations.

How can people who are always very hard on themselves learn to build up their self -esteem a little bit more?

I don't know if self -esteem is the answer.

I don't think it's bad to be hard on yourself, as long as you also celebrate when the victories happen.

But so many people will tell you, I have poor self -esteem because when I was a kid, people said this to me and that to me.

it's convenient that we remember those things and not the positive things that also occur, obviously.

But I think it's more important is to realize that self -esteem is earned.

It's only earned by you with yourself.

You're not going to get self -esteem because everybody praises you.

Someone can tell your whole life that you're brilliant, you're a genius, you're beautiful, you're handsome, and you not believe it.

Someone can tell you you're a piece of crap and you're never going to become anything.

And there's a part of you can say, I'll show you as many people have, and then they develop drive out of it, right?

Right? So it's really, self -esteem comes from doing incredibly difficult things where you know you pushed yourself.

It's not virtue signaling.

It's not telling people about it.

It's what you know inside your soul is true.

And the more you do things that are incredibly difficult, and especially things that are meaningful, meaning they're not just about yourself, the higher that esteem would be.

I think the most important thing for self -esteem is to find something you care about more than yourself.

As long as you're in your own head, the nature of the mind is reductionism, right?

Good, bad, right, wrong, all those types of things.

Of course, life is much more many different hues than that.

And so when you find something you care about, whether it's your kids or whether it's something, your job, your career, whether it's a mission you have, it's something you want to bring to the world, nonprofit, it doesn't matter what it is.

If you find something you care about more than you, you won't be thinking about yourself all the time and all your bullshit self -esteem shit just goes out the window.

I mean, it's just, when I hear it, it's just so mamby -pamby BS.

You can have crappy self -esteem and achieve a hell of a lot.

Now, the real question is, what do you want?

And I think there's, if you want an extraordinary life, which my definition of that is life on your terms, like what's my idea?

It might be different than yours completely.

Some people it's three beautiful children, the white picket fence.

Some people it's building a multi -billion dollar business, somebody else that's writing poetry, right?

So instead of looking for somebody else, it's like, okay, what do you really want from your life?

And aligning yourself with moving forward towards what you really want.

And I think if you can do that in a way that also you feel serving others simultaneously, there's a sense of meaning in life that can't be replaced by self -esteem or praise or compliments or being nice to yourself.

And I don't think it's bad to be tough on yourself.

I'm pretty tough on myself, I'll be honest with you.

But I also, I'm much better at celebrating now.

And I also realize being overly tough on yourself usually comes by making comparisons that don't make sense.

I remember I just was walking by and I saw, as I was walking here, a picture that reminded me of something, which was years ago, I was in Atlanta, Georgia.

I was in my early twenties, like 23, 24, 25.

And I was doing a seminar.

And those days there weren't 15, 20 ,000 people.

It was 125 people. I remember because it was the biggest seminar I'd done.

I thought it was so exciting, and I give my heart and soul, and going 12, 13 hours a day, and on the third day, the rooms were so small, then I'd go by and look in everybody's eyes, I gave everybody a flower.

I mean, it was just, I look back now, it seems silly, but it was really just, I wanted to make that connection.

I wanted to make sure that they had made that shift.

I was so obsessive about making a true transformation happen, and earlier in the day, I got a phone call from a friend of mine who said, the boss, Bruce Springsteen, he was the biggest star in the world in those days, I loved him, and he's four blocks from you.

He's at the Atlanta stadium there with the Hawks play.

You got just finished early and come over and you got to take it in.

It was Christmas time.

He said, it's going to be incredible.

I said, I'd love to come, but I said, I just can't do that.

If I said, if I finish somehow in time, it all happens.

He's still on stage.

I'll call you, see what's going on.

So I finished the seminar.

I don't know how long it was.

Almost 11 o 'clock at night.

But Bruce usually does, especially at Christmas, he's like three encores.

And so my buddy calls me and says, get your butt over here.

He's doing a second encore.

I think he might even do three if you get here, get over here, see the end.

So I sprinted the four or five blocks to get in, got in stadium, couldn't find my buddy, but I got up into some high seats and I'm looking down and it was back when Clarence was still there.

And it was just the drive and the energy was incredible.

The crowd was so engaged and he was doing Christmas songs and he ends with, you know, born to run, you know, and I'm like, I'm so into it.

And about three quarters way through the song, I got depressed.

I'm like, what the hell?

And what it was, was I was like, shit, what I'm doing doesn't matter.

This guy's got 15 ,000 people here.

I got 125 for three days.

I'm not making any difference at all.

And I was like, and I literally, as we were walking out and people were born around, I was pissy inside myself, you know, like, but I was feeling so great before this, but not making this comparison.

And of course you're never fair.

You're comparing to somebody else's life that has a totally different path a totally different experience we all develop in different stages and different things we all want different things but uh what was ironic though the reason i tell you the story is it was like four years later and there i am

in that stadium and i'm not doing this crappy little two and a half hour concert right i'm doing 12 hours and the crowd's going crazy and i just like i no it's just like you know it was humorous you know you get to look back and say you know you judge yourself too soon and i can tell you a dozen stories

like that with me. So I was so hard on myself, but eventually you wake up and saying, it's good to be strong with yourself, but beating yourself up just lowers your energy.

And when your energy gets lower, you produce less, right?

You don't have, and you don't have the same level of joy.

You don't have the impact that you want to have, nor do you have the excitement that you really want to have.

So I look at it, I look at it as something that it's worth earning your own self -esteem, but it's really not the secret.

The secret is to find something else you obsess about more than yourself and you'll have a level of energy that will compel you over the long term it's that tension this interesting tension between balancing ambition and gratitude yes and uh you know this fear that well if i pat myself on the back too

much right what if that stops the drive you know it's coming from this place of fear this fear of not being enough this fear of failure i'm going to continue to disprove it and i don't want to give i don't let up because that's the only fuel that I know?

Yeah. Well, I'm going to be 65 in a few weeks.

I have a little perspective on this.

It doesn't mean it's the right perspective.

But I think when I began, I began with a fuel, which was like, I'm going to show them.

I had forefathers growing up.

It's a pretty rough background.

My mom was a very intense character.

A huge part of who I am, I owe to her because she challenged me so strongly.

I became a practical psychologist to deal with things.

A really loving woman, but when she mixed alcohol with prescription drugs, she was very violent and I had to protect my younger brother, younger sister.

So, you know, I had these experiences early on that were so painful.

And then she picked my fourth father out of the house.

She's a fairly powerful woman.

He went back East. He was the one who I loved the most.

And then she chased me out of the house with a knife on Christmas Eve.

And I know she wasn't going to kill me, but I wasn't going back in that place, you know?

And I remember coming out of the beginning, it was anger that drove me.

you know, I'm just going to show you type of thing.

But that fuel doesn't last.

And then the next fuel that people tend to use is, I got to succeed.

But there's a little fear underneath that that's driving them, which is like, what if I don't?

Versus a knowing, you know, it's like one of my original mentors, Jim Rohn, used to have this phrase, used to say, you know, Tony, don't worry about it.

If you give your all every day, your gifts will make room for you.

And it's like having a knowingness that things are going to be fine.

And then there's the next level which is you start to know who you are and you're not trying to prove it to yourself or other people and it's just you just want to help you just want to do things and so now you it's a difference between what i would call push motivation and pull right push is i'm going to

make this happen and it takes tremendous willpower and i know you have plenty of willpower i do as well but there's a limit to willpower but there's no limit to pull pull is when there's something magnificent that you want to serve something that you're you've got an obsession for to create or to do

or make happen. And that doesn't, you know, you don't lose that energy.

You don't lose those components.

And you're able to laugh and enjoy along the way, as opposed to, oh, by my God, you know, if I don't keep doing this.

And I used to believe that too.

It's like, I gotta be so intense every moment.

And then my wife's been a huge help in that also.

You know, when I met her, I was like, I'm a serious mofo.

I want to change the world.

I work 20 -hour days on stuff.

I want to laugh more.

Some days I wish I hadn't said that to her because she's so crazy.

but she's one of the great gifts of my life and i surround myself with so many brilliant and funny people that uh my life has uh you know the joy and the achievement i think that's a balance a lot of people are trying to play with as well this they like to take things seriously they care about their

work they're earnest right earnestness being the bravery to take your emotions seriously yes and this can end up sapping the fun and the play out of life yes uh so you want to be treated like a serious person like an operator like someone that's here to actually do things and make a dent in the world.

But you also realize after a while that if you're doing it so tightly, it creates this sort of brittle fragility around whatever you're doing.

And when you look back, you have this series of miserable successes that you kind of gritted your teeth through and you go, well, okay, I got the outcome that I wanted, but really what's the outcome I'm trying to achieve?

Well, it's an enjoyable emotional state.

What I'm trying to do is feel good in the moment as myself.

And yeah, winning, achieving the thing, financial freedom, the business, all of that stuff is a reliable route toward getting you that.

But there's a much more direct route, which is to enjoy the thing.

So there is another tension here, I think, between seriousness of pursuit and joy and ease in the moment.

And finding the balance between those two is something I think a lot of people struggle with.

That's true. It's an art.

It's chemistry, right?

And you don't get it right in the beginning.

And it takes time and you have to have the intention to want both.

I remember when I met my trainer, Billy, years ago, he's one of my dearest friends.

And he's brilliant.

And he said, what do you really want out of your training?

He goes, because what I find is I don't know why you even need me.

He goes, no one needs to push you.

I got to push you back.

I got to stop you from going that hard.

He goes, I said, no, I'm not looking for motivation.

I said, I want to be specific.

I want to produce very precise results.

But I said, at this point, I think I've been working out like crazy person.

I suppress my oxygen.

I do. You saw what I do.

It's just ridiculous.

I'm a biohacker, right?

I have to be, I got to get on stage and do 12 to 13 hours and hold 13, 14, 15, 20 ,000 people's attention for four days, right?

When they won't sit for a three hour movie, somebody spent $300 million on, you know, it takes a level of energy.

I'm not just standing there talking.

I'm running at the side, I'm doing these things.

So I said, I don't want to give up any of that.

I need that power in me to be able to produce, but I said, I want to have fun.

He says, what does that look like?

And I said, well, I don't know.

I think, you know, when I was a kid, I used to play racquetball.

I said, maybe for the aerobic, instead of just running, you know, do something that's fun to do.

And he goes, that's great.

Let's do it. So we called around no racquetball courts anywhere, but squash.

Do you play squash?

Yep. Yeah. So you can appreciate squash is awesome and it's more strategic and hell of a lot better exercise than racquetball is.

So I got into playing squash and it was like wow it added a whole nother dimension and then that led to you know you know at this stage if i go someplace and i'm going to be kind which i want to be you know it's not a 20 minute drive and 20 minutes back it's 20 minutes you know in and out i'm sure you

know pictures and you know just connecting with people and taking care of them and so man i don't have time for this so that's how this happened down here it's like i just imagine there's a racquetball court somewhere near us or a squash court so it's like you know i came here so let's we're going to

build this but it's just like so i built this whole place for fun i mean if you came here i you probably came by slide i assume i yeah my first delivery to a podcast by via slide and gravity yes so when we come to build this place you know the i said you know i i the guy's saying to me you got 25 000

square feet you've used up all the space you know where are you going to do this i said down here and he goes what do you mean down here i said below the surface he goes no no no the ocean's here the intercoastal's here you're below the water table i said well have you ever been to Scripps Oceanography?

You know, you've ever been to, you know, the Atlantis Hotel?

He said, yeah. I said, that's what we're going to do.

He's like, oh, it can't be done.

I said, what do you mean can't be done?

Other people have done it.

He goes, well, you never get approved.

I said, the mayor here, we're good friends.

I'm sure people in the community like it will get approved.

And so it leads to a place of fun.

We're sitting in the place of fun.

We've got 7 ,000 square feet below the surface.

No one knows it's here.

It's below the water.

We built like a submarine around the outside of this.

And so we got squash courts and bowling alley and all the stuff, my kids and my grandkids and it's the play area.

So I think it's also important to have environments that call out the play and environments that are convenient to pull out the play.

You know, you can live by the ocean.

I used to live on the hill in Del Mar, California.

I almost never went to the beach except when friends came.

I want to take them there.

When you live on a beach, I'm on the beach every day, you know, it's there.

So it's like you can engineer your life to have more happiness.

But I think the real challenge is thinking so hardly about being taken seriously just represents your fears, right?

It's like, I think spiritual development, when people talk about spiritual, not religious development, spiritual development is the level of comfort you can have with just being your real self.

And I think that's not an easy task because we're all trying to be something, but we already are the something we're trying to be.

That doesn't mean you can't be better, but it's like accepting and appreciating what you really are.

And instead of projecting, you know, something else takes a lot of pain out of your body, takes a lot of wasted energy out and take gets a lot of fears to just disappear.

And I don't have an easy path for that.

I think it's the hero's journey.

You know, what is it?

Your life is ordinary and everything seems fine.

And then something hits you and it's the call to adventure.

It doesn't feel like a call.

It feels like somebody in your family's got cancer or it feels like, you know, COVID and somebody shut down your business, you know, or, you know, some issue that's happening in your relationship with your kids.

But if you take the call and you go on the journey, you're going to meet some new friends.

You're going to find some new mentors.

You're going to, you know, you're going to battle with internal things within you and external things.

But if you keep going, you're going to eventually slay your dragons and you come out and the hero of your own life and you have something to share that isn't bullshit.

It's not something you read somewhere.

It's something you've lived and everybody can feel you've lived it because it's a different level of ownership, you know?

And then by the way, as soon as you do that, it happens again.

You're called on another journey.

You have a new level of challenge that you need to go on.

It just never ends, but it makes life really, really beautiful.

One of the things that I've been hearing you talk about a lot recently that seems to tie into this is the difference in life between when you focus on things that are wrong and when you focus on things that are right.

And I think a lot of people have managed to achieve quite a bit of success by avoiding pitfalls you know you present them with something they can say well that's wrong and that's going to be an issue and we need to make sure that that's sorted there but as you've said the things that you focus on seem

to appear more frequently in your life and if you have if you've justified to yourself and if you've built up this habit this uh stack of evidence that it's useful for me to focus on where potential pitfalls may be and make sure that i can avoid them but i don't want to do it in my personal life so you

don't you you've developed this pattern and that is now going to be ported over into everything so when your partner comes through the door and does something that pisses you off the first thing that you don't think is i'm so grateful to have her but she's so she's so wonderful think about all of the things

it's like she fucking left the makeup's out on the counter again and she didn't clean up to such and such um so just dig into that uh difference between focusing on what's right versus focusing on what's wrong when it comes to your trajectory in life?

I think it's important to realize wherever focus goes, energy flows.

It's corny, but it's true, right?

In fact, maybe an easier way of saying it is we don't experience life.

None of us do. We experience the life we focus on.

So in any moment, what's wrong is always available.

So is what's right.

So it's not about being positive.

It's about being intelligent, right?

You know, when you're in a totally negative state and the world's going to end and there are people like believing that in the next 12 years, the entire environment's going to collapse and they won't have a child.

You know, you got to look at the impact of what you're believing and you got to look at and say, you know, where's my focus going?

There's, I can always be upset about something.

I can always find something to be joyous or at least grateful for, which leads to joy.

And I think it's having that learning to discipline your disappointments, you know, not allow them to grow and to move on and to use whatever life is giving you but to me it's like I think there's three decisions that people make every moment of their life now I'm not saying they make them consciously

if you make them unconsciously you have the same patterns over and over again and usually they're not good ones right and sometimes they're good but not usually um and I learned these really because I had an experience when I was 11 years old I had I was my fourth father and he got fired and we had

no money and no food.

We were always poor, but I mean, we wouldn't have starved.

We had saltine crackers and peanut butter, right?

But when everybody else around you was having a big Thanksgiving dinner, it was pretty depressing.

And my mom and dad were saying things to each other that once you save them, you can't take them back.

And I have a younger brother, five years younger, and a younger sister, seven years younger.

So I felt like the parent almost.

I'm trying to protect them.

I'm only 11 years old.

And what changed my life is this bang on the door, I go open the door and there's this guy, big guy with groceries in both hands.

And he had a pot on the ground with an uncooked turkey.

And he looks at me and says, is your father here?

And I'm like, just one moment.

I'm just like, this to me was like Christmas, right?

This is the greatest thing.

It's going to stop the fighting.

It's going to be incredible.

So I go to my father and I say, you know, dad, dad, there's somebody at the door for you.

And he's yelling at my mom through the closed door that she slammed on him.

And he goes, you answer.

I said, I did. It's for he goes, who is it?

I said, I don't know.

They said, they got to talk to you.

Right. And I had this level of excitement, like little boy excitement, like this is going to be the greatest thing.

And my dad opens the door and I'll never forget the look on his face.

He got angry, which shocked me.

And he said to the man, we don't accept charity before the guy even said anything.

He went to slam the door and the guy had leaned in slightly.

So it hit his shoulder and it bounced off of him, which made my dad even madder.

And then he said, he goes, sir, sir i'm just the delivery guy you know somebody knows you're having a tough time everyone has a tough time and they just want you to have a great thanksgiving with your family my father says we don't accept charity goes to slam it again but i think because he leaned in his foot

came in now it hit his foot and bounced open again it's just like now i got fear runs in my body because i know my father right and uh and my father looks at him and the guy looks at him and says something i thought my father was gonna punch him in the face he and he didn't do it mean he was at a softness

in his face and he said, sir, he saw me.

And he said, don't make your family suffer because your ego and the veins of my father's side of his neck were like this.

He's pretty red. I thought for sure he was going to punch the guy.

And then all of a sudden his shoulders dropped, like defeated.

He took the groceries, he slammed them on the ground, slammed the door, didn't even pick up a turkey and didn't say thank you or anything.

And shortly after that, he left our family, which to me at the time was the worst experience of my life.

I thought. And, and so I was kind of obsessed with trying to figure out why.

And I didn't figure it out for a couple of years.

I had versions of it in my head, but now I use it in my life every day.

And so I submit it to your viewers as well.

These are the three decisions that I think everyone makes every moment.

First, you're doing it right now.

What are you going to focus on?

You're going to be focusing on my story I'm telling you.

You're going to be focusing on the next question you're going to ask.

You're going to be focusing on how your stomach feels if you've not eaten.

There's a million things you could focus on, literally.

But we don't experience life.

We experience the part of life we focus on.

And so the bottom line is I know my father and I had a different experience because we had different focuses that.

I was focused on his food.

What a concept. This is cool.

He was focused on that he had not taken care of his family.

And I know that because he said it about 20 times under his breath, and my mother echoed it, of course.

The second decision, though, the minute you focus on something, your brain has to decide what does it mean.

And meaning is what creates emotion and emotion is where your life is.

Right. And so the quality of your life is the quality of your emotions.

If you got a billion dollars and every day you're pissed off and angry, your life's quality is called pissed off and angry.

If you got three beautiful children, a husband or wife you love, but you worry all the time, your life is worry.

So his focus and then his meaning, that was the worst part.

The meaning he gave it was that he was worthless and didn't belong here.

And that usually leads to the third decision, which is what are you going to do?

And like, if you think, if the meaning is something happens, you say this person is dissing me, you know, disrespecting me, or is this person challenging me, or is this person coaching me, or is this person loving me?

If you think they're dissing you, you're going to have a very different emotional reaction than if you think they're coaching you or loving you.

And then of course, that's going to change what decision you make.

because if you're angry, you're going to make a different decision than if you're playful or generous or whatever the case may be.

So those three decisions control our lives.

But so your viewers or listeners, I give them an opportunity to take a look at it because there's some patterns that you can make some simple patterns and change your whole life of focus.

So the first one is, and I'd ask you two questions for you.

One, Chris is, what do you think most people's answer to this question is?

And the other is what's yours?

If you're ready to play.

All right. It's real simple.

We all have a pattern of focusing on what we have and at times on what's missing.

Which one do you think most people spend more time focusing on what they have or what's missing?

What's missing? What do you focus more on?

What's missing? Yes.

It isn't something that comes.

The focus on what's missing is not something that comes with someone who is a failure.

It comes very much with people who are very successful.

And the question then becomes, if you're always focused on missing, how can you sustain happiness?

you're in a permanent place of lack that's correct so scarcity is there so you'll have drive right to keep staying on the hamster wheel of achievement but you're not going to see much fulfillment and not in a sustainable way it's impossible and it's nothing to do with you or me right it's just software and we

got a soul we're not software but you run your software so often you start thinking your mind is you versus my mind is a tool that i'm going to use or if i of people do that.

And by the way, during COVID, that number exploded because so many things were taken from people.

They're constantly focused on what's missing and that produces nothing but pain.

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Second question, and I think I know your answer to this one, which do you tend to focus on more?

What do you think most people focus on more?

What they can control or what they can't control?

and then which one do you focus more on uh I think most people would probably focus on what they can't control I'm an even balance I would say between the two I'm working quite hard to try to say you strive it's part of yeah you know your philosophy right to focus on what you can control right so that's

part of the stoicism philosophy of stoicism right so but most people you're absolutely right now in my seminars it's different because I got 15 20 000 people ask the question.

And the vast majority of them say they're focused on what's missing, but the vast majority of them say they do focus on what they can control.

That's why they came.

Why would they spend their money and time?

They want to take control of their business or their body or their relationship, where the case may be.

So they have a different belief structure.

If you have both of those out of whack, you've got some real challenges.

Most people have at least one out of whack, which creates stress.

And then the third one, and there's many more than these, but just quickly for the people at home, and I'm asking them to do this for themselves if they want to, where do you tend to focus more, your past, your present, and your future.

We all spend all three, but where do you spend more of your time?

What do you think most people do?

Where do you? I guess most people just not the present, perhaps dreams for the future.

For me, I would say mostly in the future as well.

Yeah. And that's where most achievers live.

We do. I have to discipline myself not to do that because what makes you an achiever is anticipation.

You've learned by a long time, anticipation is power as i'm listening i'm watching you you're anticipating you're processing right dopamine's a hell of a drug yeah yes it does and it gives you a sense of control and there you know also if you don't anticipate it's like taking playing a video game against

the child now you're a different generation so you might kick the child's ass i don't know but my generation i didn't play any video games so if a child you know is your your nephew or your niece or your or your grandson granddaughter or your son or daughter and you give him a gift let's say of a playing a video

game, you give them a new video game for Christmas or their birthday.

What's the first thing to do?

Oh, look, come play with me, pops.

Come play with me, uncle.

Come play. No, no, no.

I don't do those things.

Oh, let me show you.

It's so easy. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.

Three shots. Boom, boom.

They're going great.

So some part of you finally says, I'll show this little bastard something here.

I'll go ahead and do this thing here.

All right, fine. Give me this thing.

But you should know you're being set up when the kid says something to you like, you go first.

And so you go and you go, boom, boom, boom, boom.

And you're dead in four seconds, right?

The kid goes, not bad, not bad for the first time, right?

And then they take the other, ba -dum, ba -dum, ba -dum, ba -dum, ba -dum, ba -dum, ba -dum, and 45 minutes later, you get your second turn, right?

Now you're really pissed.

Maybe you make it two minutes and the kid goes for another 45.

Why does the kid win every time?

Is it because they're smarter, faster, younger?

No, it's because they played this game before.

They can anticipate the first bad guy's here, the second bad guy's here.

You're in reaction, they're anticipating.

So it has tremendous power.

So it's addictive when you learn to anticipate and it's also a great skill set for business, for life, and so forth.

I always tell people if you're running a business, you're always running two businesses, the business you're in and the business you're becoming.

If you only focus on the business you're in, someone's going to replace you.

If you only focus on what you're going to become, you're going to have the cash flow to be able to get to that place, right?

So it's a very similar situation inside of where we are.

So for each of us, most of us who are achievers tend to focus on the future, but all the joys in the present, right?

You can have some anticipation in the future and be excited about it.

You can, most people's stress comes from either the past or the future.

The majority of people spend a lot of time in the past, right?

And the problem is you can't change it.

And, and you can use it as a reference to me, maybe for you.

I don't know. I might project you've probably come a long way in your life as my guest, uh, from Love Island to modern wisdom.

That's quite a journey.

I can't believe that you did that bit of research.

That was the thing that you dredged up.

But yes, the typical trajectory from Love Island to this podcast.

Difficult. So there's been some growth in your psychology, your spirit, your soul, to say the least, right?

So the contrast of remembering where you were and who you've become is probably a beautiful thing, but if you use it that way, but most people go back and they ruminate about the past or they ruminate about a future that they can't control and the presence there.

So the goal is ideal is fuel.

Ideal fuel is a combination of the two.

Present, it gives you that centered grounding and anticipation for the future.

The ability to bounce back and forth is the ideal for people.

So I'll give you an example to wrap this up.

Do you know anybody who has, I asked this when I have an audience, you know, giant audience, how many of you will say, no, somebody who takes antidepressants and they're still depressed?

Yes. Yes. 90 % of the room raised their hand.

How's that possible?

Because first of all, two years ago, they did meta studies on the cover of Newsweek and it said SSRIs do not work.

Sugar pills work as well as SSRIs.

Dancing. Dancing to music was more effective by some huge margin.

Yeah, you read the study.

We're still giving to everybody.

It doesn't make any sense.

It shouldn't be salsa classes.

It's just, you think of the insanity of that, of us continue to do what doesn't make any sense.

So I think, you know, your question is really focus, getting it back to the focus.

I think if we make the right decisions, the first one is what we're going to focus on.

And that's just a habit.

You change anything.

Take that person. Why is that person depressed still?

Because all that drug does is numb you and numbing doesn't deal with the issue.

What's the real issue?

You're constantly focused on what's missing versus what you have.

you're focused on what you can't control and there's two worlds right the external world the internal world we can't control the external world we can influence it we can't control it if you think you're in control you're have a deep illusion i went to mexico recently you and i were talking off the air

and i discovered i couldn't even fully control my bowels it's not something i want to talk about but it's like all the willpower in the world doesn't mean squat you know pun intended right so it's the part we can control is what's going on inside of us and that we can control what we focus on.

We can control the meaning.

We can decide the meaning.

We're the meaning makers and we can decide what to do.

And when we make those three decisions, we're in control of our life and all the anxiety and bullshit tends to go away, especially if we're trying to do that to serve something more than ourselves.

Not like you're so unselfish, you're not going to succeed because you can't serve something more than yourself and not benefit.

So it's not like you're sacrificing, the people that play that game it's not a sacrifice it's like philanthropy you know i hear people talk about well philanthropy well a friend of mine the other day was on an airplane and somebody's reading i just thought my book yeah it triggered me it was life force

and person was really into it and he said hey what do you he's known me for 45 years and he says what do you think of that book oh it's incredible the stem cells and this you can't believe the breakthroughs i don't know why we didn't know about this what do you think of the author oh he seems like a really

good guy and he donated all the profits to feed people.

Of course he goes, of course he's totally rich.

So I mean, I mean, it's easy when you're rich, right?

And my buddy turns to him and he says, well, what if I told you that I knew him since he was 17 years old, 45 years ago.

And that I remember when he had $20 to his name, there was a guy in the street and he gave him 10 bucks and told me that the time to give is when you don't have it.

And he said, and I've watched him build that all the way up there.

He taught me that if you don't give a dime out of a dollar, you're not going to give a hundred million out of a billion.

And it's like people look at things and they make their focus something like, oh, I'm sacrificing, or I'm going to do philanthropy because I'm rich.

No, you do philanthropy because it's a source of kindness and love.

Philanthropy can be your attention.

Philanthropy can be your time.

Philanthropy can be a buck, five bucks.

Philanthropy can be you're in line with people in Starbucks and you, I remember doing this research, I couldn't believe But if you buy five people who you don't know their coffee, you get a biochemical change that has a more lasting impact than most things you could purchase for yourself instead of including

large purchases. So it's like, it's intelligent selfishness is the truth.

You can't possibly do good and not feel good.

When you want some self -esteem, do something worthwhile beyond just yourself.

The reflective glow of doing something for everybody else is, yeah, it's an odd, it kind of makes it difficult to be selfless when you're actually thinking that way like the most selfish thing you can do is to be selfless there is truly nothing that is particularly selfless that's right in that way

yeah just dig in a little more for me i mean i'm really interested in in framing in how important framing is around being a little bit more positive in our lives and um that second step i understand changing what you focus on we've spoken a lot on the podcast about mindfulness about meditation about the mindfulness

gap about controlling where you place your attention about the reticular activating system, all this sort of stuff.

I think the second step, the story that you tell yourself about what you're looking at, even if you've started to control, I'm going to begin to focus a little bit more closely.

That framing, the story that you tell yourself is a place that an awful lot of people get stuck.

So what do you rely on when it comes to that?

What do I rely on? What do you mean by that?

In terms of a strategy, how is it that you try to tell yourself the best framing, the best perspective, the best meaning that you can?

Well, I think when you think about framing, I look at framing as three.

I call pre -framing and reframing and de -framing.

Most people are familiar with reframing.

Reframing is you came up with a meaning and it's not so good.

And so now you're going to change it or you want to do it with someone else.

You're going to influence someone and they have this negative frame and you're going to reframe them.

That's a lot harder than pre -framing.

Pre -framing is, well, I'll tell you a sample story make it simple um pre -faming is telling somebody getting someone to focus on something knowing in advance what you're going to focus on and giving it a meaning in advance before it happens that's a lot easier than after it's happened because after it's

happened you have a meaning locked in to some extent especially if it's something that's painful right so i'll give you a simplistic example i remember one day i went and um i lived in san diego california and i have a helicopter and i was flying up to la and i love flying and that morning i got out

and there i had a couple cars to choose from and i chose this little corvette i had in those days blended my hair i'm gonna have fun i drive i fly to la i did this tv show and land on the roof was so much fun i didn't even have to go to the airport and flew back and i was just like in euphoria having

a blast you know it was actually bill maher when he used to do his program up in la and um and then And I got in the car, you know, and it's getting dark and I'm driving and, and sure enough.

Oh, I'm, I'm incorrect about things.

The last minute I traded out the car.

That's right. My wife needed the car.

So I traded out for the BMW 750 IL.

Why does that matter?

So I'm driving home.

The helicopter ride, that's not dangerous.

I'm on the road, you know, long winding road from the airport to the main freeway area.

and I come to the stoplight and I'm I'm on the phone chatting as I'm waiting and on the speaker phone and all of a sudden I see these lights are coming really fast and really fast and so then they get so fast I was like oh my god is this guy gonna break and before I could finish thinking the thought

at 65 miles an hour the guy had to sit me from behind he fell asleep at the wheel right so I can remember everything in slow motion you know in those days they had you know your tape deck in there and it went flying past my head in slow motion and I mean everything changes when you're in that kind of an experience.

I'm sure if you've ever experienced, you know what I mean?

And, and all I remember is waking up and the fire people extracting me out of the other side of, of the, you know, the, the car.

And they're like, I want to take me to the hospital.

And I was like, no, I'll see my chiropractor in the morning.

And then I woke up the next morning.

I couldn't move. It was pretty rough.

But the reason I tell you the story is eventually I got well and I need to go buy another car.

Well, I never had the criteria before of safety, but that car they told me that car saved your life that car literally you know if it wasn't the corvette it would have been just as well it wasn't the corvette yeah not just as well i wouldn't be here if it was the corvette wind in your hair but your

head's on the tarmac exactly right so why did i tell you that so i go looking for a car so i thought you know it's bmw that was damn good car but i want another sports car i'm gonna get another 750 il but let me get a sports car to replace that corvette that you know i want something that's dirty and so forth

so the guy took me whatever it was 325 eyes whatever they were called in those days i forget what it was you know stick shift and i see he said yeah now he got me in the car and he said now before we go out i want to tell you i'm going to take you on this winding road it's amazing and you know this is the ultimate driving

machine he said it's not like your 750 il your 750 il you don't feel the damn thing he goes when you get in this car and you shift into it he goes we drop into all you'll the wheels catch into it and grab it he said you'll see this is the ultimate car so what's he doing?

He's pre -framing me.

Cause we're going to go through a construction area.

That's all beat up.

Right. So we're going to the construction area and then seven 50, I wouldn't have felt anything.

Right. Just smooth, but it was and it's bouncing around.

And even though I know what he just did and my barn's like, Oh yeah, it is really digging in.

Right. You know, if you try to tell me after I'd done that, I would have, that's a piece of crap car because he pre -framed me.

So I pre -frame myself and the way I do it, I call priming.

He's familiar with the principle of priming, right?

So most of us think we're having our own thoughts.

Most of our thoughts have been primed by the environment.

So an example would be, they did a study at Harvard where they took four actors, two men, two women.

They had them rehearsed doing the exact same presentation and you'd be in a mall or a coffee shop or something and they'd walk up to you and they had a coffee in their hand and they go, can you hold this for me for a second?

And then they look down.

They don't wait for you to say yes.

And 98 % of people take the coffee and they take out their phone and do something.

They say, thank you so much.

And that's the whole interaction.

But they rehearse the same facial expressions, the same movements, everybody's the same.

They go out and they do this.

One variable. Half the people, they gave them hot coffee.

Half the other people, they gave iced coffee.

15 minutes later, somebody comes by with a little checkboard here.

And they go, excuse me, I have $20 here.

There's no scam here.

We have this really important study under a tight timeline.

Would you give us one minute of your time for $20?

You just read these three paragraphs of the story and answer these two questions.

They read the story.

And then the question is, how would you describe the main character of the story?

How would you describe them?

Well, interestingly, the people that had given hot coffee, 81 % said the person was warm and genuine.

The people giving iced coffee said the person was cold and uncaring, and it's the exact same story, the exact same ratios, 81 versus 80%.

Just give you an idea.

All they did was 15 minutes earlier, have something that framed them, as you would say, right?

So it happens all the time.

It happens, you know, if they did a study where they took IBM and they took Apple and they did a little creativity test for someone, and they did two things.

They'd have them look at the IBM logo and then take the test or the Apple logo, and then they did their commercials.

And the commercial for Apple back in those days, it was think differently, right?

22 % higher score if they looked at either the Apple logo or the commercial on the exact same test, no other criteria difference to give an idea.

So you can test so many things in this area.

So I get up every morning on my first discipline.

I'm not a meditator per se.

I don't know anybody good at not having any thoughts.

but i thought i want to prime myself that's my goal so i do a breathing pattern like a you know breath of fire type thing to change my physiology for just two minutes and then i do three things and i do it for just 10 minutes because my view is if you don't have 10 minutes for your life you don't have a life

and i'm gonna i want to prime myself so whatever comes into this world i have the best chance of handling it really well and i'm training my nervous system what's the emotion i want to train, gratitude.

Why? We all know the two emotions that destroy your relationship, your business, your life, it's fear and anger.

Those are the two extremes.

You can't be grateful and fearful simultaneously.

You can't be angry and grateful simultaneously.

So what I do is I start my day, I make those changes and I close my eyes or I look out at the water and I think of three things that I'm grateful for for just a minute each.

But I don't think of it like over there, like if you've ever been on a roller coaster and I ask you what it's like, some people remembered it over there.

No, I remember it like I'm in the front seat going over the edge because then you get the authentic biochemical changes.

So I'm there. And I do two strong things.

And usually one simple thing, like the wind in my hair or my daughter's smile or something of that nature.

So I don't just get wired for own unbelievable things, but that that primes that nervous system.

And then the second thing I do is I take three minutes and it's kind of like a blessing or a prayer for the people around me, for the people I love.

I start close, I send it out there.

And there's been a lot of studies I'm sure you've read that Dalai Lama and others have done on compassion for strangers, what it does to your brain.

And so I do it every day.

And then the last three minutes I call three to thrive, where I focus for a minute each on something I really want to make happen.

But I don't sit there and pray for it, hope for it.

It's like I give thanks for it as it's done.

I see it as done, I experience it as done, I wire my reticular activating system, I can speak in shorthand to you about this.

So now it's going to notice anything that relates to at, but it has a joyous feeling to it as well.

And I'm done in 10 minutes and I'm ready to rock and roll.

So, you know, I do my cold plunge and I, you know, I do the parts of my normal daily ritual, but that one I do.

And then I'll have like 60 seconds, you know, of joy or 60 seconds of peace that I'll do in the middle of the day.

And I'll just think of one of those things if I want to reactivate it.

But that pre -frames me, right?

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But then I also have certain beliefs.

We all have beliefs that pre -frame you or not.

And one of the core beliefs I developed over the years was just that I think everything happens for a reason.

I think there's a higher purpose.

I think it's my job to find it.

I think that life happens for us, not to us, but it's our job to figure it out.

And a lot of times I feel like something's happening to me.

So I'll give you an example.

It's like not being fed as a child.

I've fed, well, 10 years ago, I decided I'd been feeding people my whole life.

Since I was 17, two people four, eight, I built up a couple of million people a year.

My foundation fed 2 million, I fed 2 million.

And then I was writing this book, Money Master the Game.

And I'm interviewing Ray Dalio and Carl Icahn and Warren Buffett and, you know, all these multi -billionaires.

And Congress had just cut food stamps, which they call the SNAP program now, by $6 billion.

It means every family would have to give up a week's worth of food unless people like you and I showed up.

So I called my team and I said, how many people have fed in my lifetime?

and they said 42 million.

And I was like, wow, I didn't, I was thrilled.

It wasn't the number I knew.

And I said, what if I did that in a year?

What if I did as much as I've done in my whole life in a year, 50 million?

And what if I did, what if I did a hundred million a year?

What if I did a hundred million a year for 10 years and did a billion meals?

And I did in eight years with partnership to feeding America.

And it's like, when you do that, when you, when you produce a result that seemed impossible, then what's next gets even bigger and even more available, right?

It just expands. You're pre -framed to be able to do even more versus reframe.

And so now, because of the war in Ukraine, most people don't realize it's the bread basket for Africa.

So there's about 11 nations that are on the verge of famine.

You'll never hear about it in the news.

No one cares. And then you need fertilizer.

50 % of the world food supply comes from fertilizer.

The WF doesn't want you to use it because of the environment, but you need it.

And it's in Russia and it's been cut off.

So I talked to Dr., to Governor David Beasley, who's head of the World Food Program.

Brilliant guy. Actually, MBS put us together one day.

He said, you two are feeding the most people I know.

I want to put you together.

And I said, how big is the problem?

And he said, Tony, normally you'd be in a position where, you know, maybe there's, you know, 8 million people that are on the verge of starvation.

He goes, this year it's 350 million.

And he goes, and no one's doing anything about it.

And I said, so how many meals would we need over the next 10 years to make the transition till we get sustainability?

He said, you need 10 years.

I said, what would it be?

And he said, I don't know, Tony, maybe 50, 60, 70 billion meals.

I said, let's do a hundred billion meal challenge over the next 10 years.

I said, I did a billion.

I wasn't a billionaire when I started.

I said, you're going to get blessed by doing these things.

I'm sure I can find 99 other people somewhere in the world to do this.

And when I went to do it, I was shocked because I had pre -framed myself this to be easy, right?

And I went to somebody without mentioning names who's a brilliant philanthropist and a beautiful man who's helped me when I did my billion meals.

And he said, well, Tony, how much is that going to cost?

I said, well, it cost me about $100 million over 10 years.

You know, you're doing 100 million meals a year for 10 years.

And this guy's worth about $20 billion.

And he said to me, that's beyond my pay grade.

And so I had to kind of reevaluate.

But because I kept pre -framing myself, this is a must.

This is not a should.

It's not a reframing job.

I just came up with a different plan.

And I'm really proud to tell you, we did 30 billion meals we just announced in our first two years.

And we're on track this year to be at 60 billion.

And what seemed like an absolutely impossible task is there.

There is another skill besides pre -framing and reframing, de -framing.

De -framing is when you destroy the frame of reference.

So in business, you know, one of the things you have to know is like, I believe it's my privilege to serve people, but I also believe it's their privilege to be able to learn.

And it's not an ego thing.

It's just like, it's a mutual privilege, meaning I got to earn the right to be able to serve you.

And you got to be a reasonable person for me to want to serve you too.

And I made a change in one of my events is like 20 years ago.

And, um, and one things I did is it was a 14 -day program and the world changed.

And so we brought it down to 10 days.

I think it was 12 days to 14 in those days.

And I had some open days with some stretches and things.

It was a very intensive program, but I was like, I need to make it tighter so people can commit the time and come.

And I figured out how I'm going to add even more value, how I'm going to make this even more useful.

So I did. And there's this one woman who went crazy and she started attacking me and called my offices up and said, I want my money back and I'm going to tell everybody else Tony Robbins is screwing us and everything else.

And my team was all freaked out and I said, no, no, no, no.

I said, fire her. I said, what?

I said, fire her as a customer.

I said, you call her because it's not her first event.

She knows how incredible things are.

She wouldn't be coming to this 14 day event, 12 day event.

I said, if she's going to say that, first of all, I'm happy to give her money back.

We have money back guarantee on everything.

So I give her money back and say, we want to get your money back, but want you to know you can never come to an event again because you're no longer one of our customers because you know better.

You know, Tony always adds 10 times the value, right?

Long story short, this lady starts fighting to stay on.

My staff couldn't believe it, right?

Because he deframed it.

You took away the frame of reference.

You destroyed it, right?

And said, no, no, no, you don't understand.

No, I have a right to come.

No, you don't. You know, I have to earn your respect.

I got to deliver for you.

You got to deliver for me too.

You're not. You're not a customer anymore and you can't come here.

The lady, it was in Hawaii, she flew to Hawaii and demanded to see me as the program's going to start.

You have to let me in this program, right?

I said, if you want to make a public apology for what you've done, I said, that'd be acceptable to me.

I said, but you knew better.

You just did this to get attention.

And I said, so I bought back your seat.

And I told you to send us any of your friends that want their seats back.

I said, we need the seats.

We really did, right?

And so that was the end of it.

It gave a lesson to everybody on my team.

and I try to teach it to business owners, like not everybody's your customer.

I'm not the right person for everybody.

You're the right person for everybody.

We have unique styles or approaches.

And so we're not here to try to please everybody.

We're here to try and serve the people that are really interested in being served.

So pre -frame, reframe, and deframe as frames are references.

But I think pre -frame is the most valuable.

And if somebody wants to learn to do the priming, you can go to TonyRobbins .com forward slash priming.

There's no charge for it.

and there's a video I'll guide you through it if you want to try it.

One of my friends used to work in a retail store and he observed one of his bosses do something that was kind of interesting with the deframing thing.

So somebody had come up and there'd been some sort of an issue, I think, with the way that one of the members of staff had given them clothes that they were trying on, something had occurred, but the customer was completely at fault.

It was all them. And they came over to the supervisor and said, this is a problem.

And this is, I need to speak to the manager.

And the manager immediately one upped and said, tell me exactly who did this.

I'm going to get them fired on the spot.

And this person immediately completely flipped what they were thinking.

And he turned to my friend afterward and he said, only one person's allowed to be in the angry boat.

That's great. I love it.

I love it too. Breaks the pattern.

Exactly. And that's all it really is, right?

Changing the frame is breaking the pattern but easier to break the pattern before it starts yes much easier and then by the way it becomes you train your nervous your neurons you're training your nervous system to think that way it's the ruthless thing about habits right the the matthew principle of to

those who have more more will be given to those who have less more will be taken that's true and uh yeah the you know you've worked with how many people have you serviced in person now do you know well i think in live events we've had um i think it's 15 million people total because you You know, I've done

these big ones like, you know, where I do a million people at a time.

Now, some of these events, it's insane.

So books, live events, in -person, online, audio courses.

What have you come to understand about the things that can be achieved from people in a group context that maybe can't be achieved through self -directed learning?

I think anything can be done by self -directed learning personally.

I just think it accelerates when you create an environment where it maximizes.

So, you know, low energy, you get, I have a frame, you may disagree with this massively.

You get in your head, you're dead.

I think when I say you have to have the head and heart connected, right?

It's like, why don't people transform?

Because they're in their head about it.

They're thinking it through.

They think that if I understand this, then it'll just happen.

It's absurd. You know, if you're good at something, you've trained it into yourself.

You know, I'm fortunate enough to own several sports teams or pieces of sports teams, and I have championship teams, so all these sports, you know, I want to be an athlete, so I relived it in a different way.

But, you know, the Golden State Warriors are one of the ones I have a piece of, and I've got a chance to work with them.

They're championship seasons, work with the players.

It's been totally fun.

But you look at somebody like Steph Curry, and you see this guy, you know, shoot the ball from almost half court, chomping on the side of his thing.

And he turns, he doesn't even look.

He turns around and just waves because he knows it's in already, and it's swish, and the crowd goes crazy.

And people look at that and go, he is.

He's unbelievable. He's unbelievable.

He's the greatest three -point shooter in history.

There's no one like him.

But what they don't pay attention to is that isn't like a little gift, right?

He shoots 500 shots every single day, never less than that, seven days a week for more than 15 years.

It's a 15 -year professional career.

He's been doing it since before he was in college.

His dad really trained him.

So think of that. 3 ,500 shots a week, 168 ,000 shots in a year, 2 .52 million shots in his 15 -year NBA career, so he can make 3 ,600 shots.

Not even one -tenth of 1%.

I tell people, you get rewarded in public for what you practice in private.

Your training of your nervous system to do things is what really matters most.

And you can't just be in your head.

So I believe, to answer your question, you know, the reason I still do events is that an event provides, first of all, immersion.

You can learn a language a little bit at a time.

And, you know, you ask most people, unless they live in a place where they have to use the language and they learned another language in high school and college, they don't speak it anymore.

They don't remember 10 words.

But if you wanted to learn Italian and you have the time and money, I just drop you in Italy, drop you in Rome and pick you up four months later, there is a zero question you're going to speaking Italian because you're seeing it, feeling it, breathing it, doing it.

So that's why I do 12 hours of time, four days.

And people think it sounds insane, but it's only insane if you're not enjoying it.

And people love it.

Even people get dragged there because we engage all their senses, not just their head.

And so when all your needs are being met simultaneously, time flies.

It's like a minute can feel like an eternity when you don't like what's going on.

hours fly by when you're really having great experience.

So I believe the environment where we produce that much energy produces it.

Now, when COVID happened, I'll give you a good example.

Suddenly, I'm used to doing stadiums all over the world.

And the first one I get is a phone call from Gavin Newsom's office in California.

I'm about to do a program in San Jose, San Francisco for 14 ,000 people.

And his office calls and says, we're really sorry, you can put 100 people in the stadium.

We got 14 ,000 people.

That's not possible.

So my whole thing is, okay, screw that.

We're going to Vegas.

They'll never shut down Vegas.

10 days outside of a Vegas after moving 14 ,000 people to go there, they shut down Vegas.

So I'm like, screw it.

We're going to Texas, their own country.

The governor says he won't melt.

He's not going to bend.

I got a friend in Houston that has a big church there, 14 ,000 people.

Perfect. We rent the place.

Two weeks south, they shut down there.

I'll do it in movie theaters, 1 ,400 movie theaters.

We'll do this where, you know, we'll put 10 people in every movie theater.

That was what they limited us to.

But they'll have a big screen, they'll have great sound, and they'll have some interaction.

We're going to make this work.

They shut down the movie theaters.

So I built the studio and I did something I wouldn't have done without necessity, which was like, I need to reach people where they are right now because I don't know how long they're going to be stuck at home.

This goes way beyond business.

I got plenty of companies, plenty of money, but it's like, how do I serve in this time?

And so, I was like, okay, I'm going to do a seminar where there's no money involved because what's in the way?

Money, travel, because most of the people usually fly to another country to see me and that kind of thing.

And even time, I want to give them immersion, but not enough that it's overwhelming to them.

And so, I set up this program.

We're going to do three days, three and a half hours, three hours each day, kind of like going to a movie, but one that changes your life.

and let's invite people from all over the world.

And the first one we have 383 ,000 people for, instead of 15 or 20 ,000 people for a seminar.

And then the second one was 600.

So last year was almost one and a half million people.

And I'm doing one again this year.

And I'm super excited about it.

It's one of the reasons I wanted to do your podcast.

I want to get the word out, because a lot of young men in your audience that are looking to create a meaningful life, take things to another level.

And they may not know if this is worthwhile or not, but they can come and they can do it from wherever they are.

They can do it from their office or home.

They can do it with a friend.

There's no charge for it.

It's not partially free.

It's totally free. But those stories and examples that come out of it, when people get an environment like that, I'll give you an example of just fun one because I saw him the other day.

So a gentleman named Matt, who never would have made it to one of my seminars.

Why? He's in bed. He weighs over 700 pounds.

He's on oxygen. He can't leave the bed to even go to the bathroom.

he does it through tubes, right?

Doctor says he'll never be off oxygen as long as he lives.

But we're using Zoom and so I'm interacting with people live all over the earth.

And the one thing I ask for is I don't ask for money, but I ask you to do an assignment each night and put it on Facebook.

And then I'm up all night watching all these because it's so compelling to see how people's lives are changing.

So I saw this guy. So I brought him on the next day.

He's in the bed. He's watching on the screen because it's free and he doesn't have to go anywhere.

He can do it. Might as well make use of it.

He got so inspired.

He says, I want to get out of this bed.

Doctor says, I can't do this.

I said, well, let's chunk it.

You know, one of the first steps.

First, we got to get some upper body strength.

And I said, what do you got nearby?

And he had like this thing you hang coats on.

So I said, we're going to start with that, right?

So he's in bed doing this little thing.

And I said, I'll tell you what we're going to do.

I said, you're going to sit down.

You're going to have the timeline.

But I said, if you can get this done in the next four months, you can get out of bed, go to the bathroom, make it into a car.

I said, I'll fly you to my vent.

We'll walk on fire together.

We'll have this experience.

He's lost now over 300 pounds.

325 was the latest number.

He's inspired everybody in the community that's there.

He drives a car now.

He fell in love with a lady, and so I sent him my resort in Fiji so I could go celebrate and everything else.

He's got a completely different life.

He would have never done that in a million years.

So it's my way of saying, yes, I can bring the event to you, which I didn't believe before.

I didn't believe I could do that.

But now we'll start at 10 a .m.

let's say in Florida here to do, let's say a four day seminar that I'm going to do.

And we have people from 193 countries participating and we got 30 ,000 people instead of 10 or 15 or 20 ,000.

And it's already midnight in Sydney, Australia, and I go 13 hours.

So they're going to be up from midnight to one in the afternoon for 40 and we lose 3 % of the people.

So I found that that environment can work as well because we've learned how to, you know, When people go to a ball game and they get shown on the screen, we know how to keep everybody so engaged.

But I also get to see them, Chris, in their home how they live.

I get to see them with their dog and with their kid.

I watch the sun rise and sap while I'm still speaking.

And what their level of focus is and where they go.

And I can call them and say, John, what are you doing right there?

I don't know the person's name in a live seminar, right?

The guy jumps up, you know.

And I have these giant screens.

I built this 50 -foot high building with 20 -foot high LED screens, 0 .67, highest resolution in the world.

I can see every pimple, every move, everything on you.

so that environment is more powerful to me than just self -directed but some people are self -directed they say screw you i don't need that shit and i do it on my own i believe that too so a book or a tape or something is there but i find it accelerates the experience massively because it's also it's

like going to you know a game and there's a thousand people in the audience so there's you know 50 000 i mean there's emotions are contagious you know somebody yawns oh don't do that you start to yawn right you know or somebody laughs and you start to laugh so i love using that dynamic as an accelerator before

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what does your pre event ritual look like you talk a lot about energy about energy levels and i'm fascinated by how you get yourself into the space where you can deliver i'm aware that you need to do the conditioning you actually need to have the sort of base level of fitness and stuff like that at least

yes but uh the priming period in the build -up to going to do one of these things can you take me through what that looks like well a couple days in advance i'm about to do a six -day program right now for business owners from all over the world, I start to jot down my notes of what are some of the things

I'm most passionate about, beliefs I have right now that are currently alive in me.

You know, I have 114 companies now.

It's pretty wild. We do $9 billion in business.

I have no business background.

I just learned from brilliant people.

And I learned the patterns, you know, that make things work.

So I think, what are the most important ones I'm learning, experiencing now that I want to bring?

I review what i know fundamentally people need to know in those areas then i start reading different articles and start loading myself up with some other entrepreneurs recent thoughts and then and then i'm doing all my physical training of course which is very very intense right so that i'm ready to

go 12 hours a day 13 hours a day on stage and then the morning of i do my priming and then i have that's the same process that we spoke about before just 10 10 minutes with a little bit of copeland jay spathy's stuff after all that and then and then what i do is i get up, I have a little mind map of my

outcomes. I'm not driven like a script.

I have certain fundamentals that you learn to speak and you speak them well and you know the impact it's going to have, but they're all like deposits in the bank of your life so that when something comes up, you can pull from those.

But then there's all the things that happen spontaneously that make it fun.

So I'll lay out what I think the sequence of what I'm going to do is.

And then you get in the room and you feel people and that all changes.

But my last thing that I do is quite honestly just a prayer it's like use me lord and my this physical ritual of i shift my body pretty radically and i go into the state use me and then i get up on stage and and then i have this plan and the plan goes out i often work till two in the morning with my

team laying out what we're gonna do and they all now they all know it's just entertainment but i'll use a lot of it but maybe not in that syntax because i i feel it and also that's makes it art i'd be bored out of my mind it was exactly the same every single time it's this balance between uh control

and being in the moment.

You were saying before about one of the things that people want is this sense of control.

And if I can plan very effectively in advance, if I know all of the different ways that this could go, the different permutations, and if this happens, then I'm going to do that.

And if that happens, then I'm going to do this.

And that never really happens that way.

It doesn't at all. And I think that that's what it awakens your nervous system, I think, to prepare.

Like I could get up there at this point with my pinky and not prepare at all.

But when people ask my wife, what's something about Tony that nobody understands?

And it's that nobody understands how intensely he prepares because I absorb.

And like I read people's forms to a thousand of them.

I'm crazy because I know I'm not going to remember their name and everything else, but I'll remember the pattern.

And when the pattern shows up with somebody, I'll know that pattern is an important pattern for multiple people in the room and I'll address it in a different way each time, but it makes it art when it's different.

But my wife has a different approach.

I admire her approach.

I trust in God after I've done all the work.

She just trusts in God and gets up and does it.

I feel if I work my ass off, now I've done my part.

Okay, now come through me let's do this and and it tends to float i love that reframe i've never heard anybody use it before uh i've heard someone say uh life happens to me or i happen to life but life happens for me yes is to me yeah is a wonderful reframe yeah i really believe it but you gotta dig

for it it's not it's not easy it's gotta be earned right like wishing for confidence without competence is just delusion you have no evidence to say that you can do this thing and uh i don't know maybe your wife sufficiently naturally talented slash she's being, she's channeling something else.

Some combination of the two.

You mentioned before about some of the challenges from childhood.

It seems to me like you have a lot of forgiving to do or overcoming to do from childhood, difficult things, situations that you've been through.

How can people learn to better let go of their past in that way?

I'm aware we've talked about the chip on the shoulder can be a good fuel, but it's kind of toxic when used for a longer term uh a lot of people spend their time in the past ruminating yeah what is a better way to let go of the things that you think were unfair maybe you don't get to have closure about them

maybe you don't get to have that final conversation with that bully from school or your parent or carer or whatever that didn't treat you in the way that you wanted how would you say people should let go of their past more effectively if you want freedom if you value freedom you can't possibly have it

as long as you played the victim role and even if you were physically victimized.

And, you know, my mom, I don't look at it that way.

She was physically intense and you could call it abusive.

I prefer not to use that language because that also puts in that place.

I never even told anybody about that experience until maybe 15 years ago.

I was now in New York and I was with this group of young African -American and some Hispanic kids, all had single mothers, all from really troubled backgrounds.

And I started talking to them about various things and I'm trying to get across that biography is not destiny and I was giving different examples of people but I could just see if I could just mind read look at this big tall white guy and he's wealthy and easy for him right so I told them everything

things I never told anybody and every single one was crying their eyes out I was crying too um but then I got them to see that none of that makes you who you are.

None of that controls where you are in your life.

If my mom had been the mother I'd hoped she'd be, I would not be the man I'm proud to be.

And she did many beautiful things.

But if I was a well -fed kid, would I be providing 30 billion meals for people?

Would I work this hard to feed people that I'll never meet and never know and will never say thank you to me.

I'm not looking for it.

No. I mean, I'd love to believe I do.

I'm a good person. You're a good person, but I wouldn't have had that hunger without that.

So that's where that belief comes from.

That's like life has been happening for me.

I don't know if you can relate to this in my bed as you could.

Maybe your viewers or listeners can.

It's like, have you ever had something happen in your life that was horrible?

I mean, it was painful.

You'd never want to go through it again in a million years.

you wouldn't want anybody else to go through it that you care about.

But after five or 10 years, you look back and you say, I never want to go through it again.

But now I see the wisdom in it.

I'm glad. It's like, it's like, it made me care so much more.

It made me so much stronger.

It made something in me more.

I mean, I'm sure you can relate to that, can't you?

Yeah, for sure. I mean, the world in which something happens to you when you're younger.

So for me, school wasn't that fun, quite heavily bullied, quite alone, quite isolated.

and at the time you kind of just get through it you don't really realize it's just life right that's just childhood to you the what is water to the fish question and then you grow up a little bit you kind of realize huh that that probably wasn't so good that probably wasn't so healthy and then you learn

a little bit more about yourself and you start to realize well look at all of the ways that i've had to compensate for that look at all of the ways that it's held me back look at all of the beliefs that i have about myself and and god if only if only that hadn't happened, then I would be here or I would be

there. And then you realize, well, the light side of all of that dark stuff is usually the stuff that I'm most proud of myself for.

So the fact that you were maybe a little bit alone in childhood means that you're very self -sufficient when you're an adult.

Or the fact that you didn't have any to support you means that you have no concern about working on your own and continuing to take a bet on yourself, so on and so forth.

So you end up having this really strange loop where you go from unconscious incompetence in that you've somehow been through something that you really hate to this sort of awareness of how it's held you back to this awareness of how it's propelled you.

And then you have to get to this really difficult place, which is, okay, so this is a thing that I kind of wish hadn't happened.

And yet I'm grateful that it did.

And it's like the idea of quantum superpositions.

It's like a psychological superposition that you need to hold in your head at the same time.

You can't collapse it down into one.

You need to hold both of these things it's like yeah that's fucked like that shouldn't have happened i'm like i really wish that that and had you have been able to see you how do you at 36 have been able to see you at 12 you'd have picked them up and given them a hug and said i believe in you and you

don't deserve this but it needs to happen to you if you're going to become the sort of person i don't hold them separate yep i put them together and when you put them together all you have left is the truth the truth is it had a higher purpose it was meant to be now i don't believe like everything's

meant to be. I think situations are meant to be, and then it's our job to choose how we're going to use them or be used by them, right?

I think that's the difference.

But I think there's nothing to forgive.

I know there's nothing, like people say this, but you have so much to forgive.

F that, forgive. There's nothing to forgive.

I mean, it's like if I get to a deeper truth, a deeper spiritual truth, a soulful truth, it's all like soul contracts, because we're all here for something more than ourselves?

And it's not until you realize that, that you stop the childhood thing of, I need to forgive people or I need to, you know, maybe you want to think about what you want a lot of the people to, you want them to forgive you for, you know, or you can make an apology because we all screw up.

We all do stupid things.

We all do things we're not proud of at different times.

The secret is, do you do something about it or do you just ruminate or beat yourself up or pretend it isn't there well that balance is really really difficult you between turning pain into motivation and recognizing that it's there so you're not denying that it's there but you're also not wallowing

in it but you're also not just using it as the only pain but you're also realizing that you've had to alchemize it transcend and include it in wilberryan language you know there's it's again it's a delicate balance and i think that this is there's a few things in life and the older that i've got the older

i've got 36 um the the more the more i've kind of realized that a lot of realizations just come along for the ride as a byproduct of getting older.

And we can do a lot of the things.

We can read the books.

We can go to the seminars.

We can attend the online events.

And we can expedite some of these realizations, but there's some insights that are just hard won by time.

Some of that's true.

I think you're right about that.

But I also think it can be accelerated by who you spend time with.

I've had the great privilege of having some great mentors.

They're all 18 to 20 years my senior.

So, you know, some of mine knew when I was 20 and they were 40 and now they're 80 and then, you know, 82, 83, 84, and I'm going to be 65.

Just holding onto the coattails in that way.

No, but I mean, because they give me a look at the pathway of life.

You know, we're not all the same by any stretch, but there's certain fundamental things you go through.

I remember some of them would tell me things, you know, like when you're 40, you're going to think this or feel this.

I was like, you know, read between the lines.

Shut up. you know, you're full of it.

You know what you're talking about, but there were certain things that turned out to be really true.

So some of those you experience, but then once you've experienced enough of them, you don't have to wait to experience everything.

You're going to start to project, wait a second here.

There's some real deeper truth here.

And one of those I think is, it's not hard.

I'd invite you to consider.

You don't have to hold both.

The holding both is like the piece of being afraid that if I really enjoy myself, I won't have the same level of drive.

once you're a fucking achiever you're just gonna you're the drive is never gonna leave you it's just a matter of now you can do it more elegantly if you choose to agreed you know yeah there's a cumbersomeness to doing it when you grip very tightly and uh yeah this ease and grace thing uh finding more

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and modern wisdom a checkout i'm interested you mentioned there about your um the amount of work that you put in reading these forms the preparation that you do for all of these different events and you know even with the alchemy that you've done letting go of things from your past and the way that you've

turned it into a version of you that you're incredibly proud of i'm interested in how much peace you have in life whether you would say that you are that how often you're able to access peace with all of the things going on?

It was the most peaceful, most happy stage of my life by far.

I look at things in terms of seasons.

I remember in early 90s, I interviewed, I don't know if you've read The Fourth Turning.

Did you read that book by chance?

No. Oh my gosh, please read it.

I think you'll find it really valuable.

I was coaching President Clinton in those days.

I also coached Gingrich.

I was on both sides of the aisle because I'm an independent, right?

So I want to help both sides.

So I left literally the president and he had this book and I was reading the, it was a big thick book.

It's a, what's the other one they have?

It's, it's basically 500 years of American history, Anglo American history.

And, and it was written by the same guys that wrote the fourth turning.

And I asked him about it.

And he told me a little bit about the patterns of generations and how to work.

I was fascinated how it shapes history.

I go to Gingrich, who's a historian and the same book was there.

And so I grabbed the book and then, then The Fourth Turning came out a little bit after that.

It was one of those throwaway books I did discount.

I love those books because they're contrarian.

And I picked it up.

It wasn't popular and I read it.

And it's a book that basically describes that history has patterns and seasons to it, just like everything has seasons.

So I look at it this way, maybe a simple way to explain it is I have five kids and five grandkids.

I have a 50 -year -old daughter and I about to be a four -year -old daughter in a couple months.

So I have quite an extreme group.

And I think about my youngest daughter or my grandkids, and even some of my kids, but most of them are adults now.

And I think like the world is changing so much, you know, nanotechnology, obviously algorithms, AI, all the things that are coming, robotics, the change, we're at the base of unbelievable transformation.

We're going to see more change in the next five to 10 years than in the history of humanity.

And that's not an exaggeration.

Well, there's going to be a huge number of jobs that are disrupted from that.

And listen, 200 years ago, 85 % of America was a farmer.

Now it's 4 % and we feed the whole world because of technology.

But that happened over a long period of time.

We're going to see changes like self -driving cars.

There's several cities where they're operating right now, right?

Ubers and so forth.

How long is it going to take before every truck and every taxi will be there.

Well, that means every Uber driver, every taxi driver, who's going to hire a truck driver who can work eight hours a day.

You got to pay for the healthcare and they complain.

And crash sometimes.

And crash, where you're going to have a 24 hour day that better insurance and you get to depreciate the asset.

I mean, these jobs are going away.

That's 8 million jobs in America.

That's as many jobs as we lost in 2008 when the crash was happen.

So, and no one's preparing for it.

So I'm going to talk to Obama about it.

It's like, you know, you know, this is coming, you know, he goes, well, Tony, you know, I said, has anybody got a plan?

Are we going to educate these people?

This is going to get social disruption, right?

He says, well, we've talked about, you know, you know, um, you know, the, the payments, what's it called?

UBI. Um, and I said, yeah, but the UBI, it'll never be enough money because once they adjust to it, it'll be more.

And UBI doesn't give anybody meaning.

It was a fascinating couple of studies that you probably caught that came out in the last six months about that.

It's really not good.

The outcomes are really, really, really not good.

You can predict that.

You don't have the brilliant scientists to figure that, right?

A decade ago, a bit of human intuition would have taught you that.

Yeah. But the point is, I said, what's being done?

He goes, well, we think it's going to take a lot longer.

It'll be fine. I mean, it's not.

So how do you arm yourself or your kids for a world of such change?

You have to learn rapidly.

And so you need three skills.

You need skill, number one, to be able to really recognize patterns.

You're very good at that.

I'm not throwing stuff your way.

I watched a couple of things you're doing and you do your homework and you recognize patterns, you utilize them, you recognize them in yourself, which one makes I respect even more.

And you use that to improve yourself, right?

But when people are fearful, when they have anxiety, it's almost always because they don't recognize the patterns that are happening.

Because if you recognize the patterns, things are very predictable.

What looks like chaos is just because it's not been a pattern you've seen before.

Like, if you look at history as an example, he's like, this has never happened.

You know, you heard people talk about, we've never been this divided as a country and all this stuff.

It's such bullshit.

There was a civil war.

What's that? There was a civil war.

Yeah, there was a civil war, but there's a little sheet I brought down.

Is it, do you have that little sheet?

Can I borrow this? I'll just read you this because I thought it's entertaining.

I showed this in an event theater today.

This is two placards from a photograph of them or reconstruction of them, from John Adams versus Thomas Jefferson.

They're running for president, right?

So let's see how divided they were.

This placard says, if you elect Thomas Jefferson, murder, robbery, rape, incest, and adultery will be practiced throughout the land.

Are you prepared to see your dwellings in flames, your female chastity violated, or your children writhing on the pike?

This is what Adams wrote about Jefferson.

It makes, like, Trump's Hitler sound pretty kind.

Jefferson says about John Adams in the placard, it says, John Adams is busy importing mistresses from Europe or trying to marry one of his sons to the daughter of King George.

He's a hideous hermaphroditial character with neither the force or firmness of a man nor the gentleness and sensibility of a woman.

These are our founding fathers, right?

So it's like, You're so full of shit.

When you say this has never happened before, it hasn't happened in your lifetime.

Because the cycle, if you study a thousand years of Roman history, which I've done, 500 years of Anglo -American history, there's patterns that happen about every roughly 20 years.

And the patterns are predictable.

So think about this.

This is why you want to learn this.

If you can recognize patterns, the fear disappears.

Second skill, use the pattern.

When you know what the pattern is and you use it, now you have mastery of something.

Now you can do better than most people in that area.

So, you know, I interview all these people, the best investors in the world, they're all different, but I recognize the patterns that are in common.

And when I'm done, my billionaire clients love it.

And the average person can learn from it because the patterns are fundamental, right?

You, you, you, if I want to learn the piano in the beginning, I don't have to learn probably somebody else's patterns that have figured it out.

That's how I learn.

But if I use those patterns over and over again, I'll eventually get to where I can do the third skill, which is pattern creation.

Now you have an amazing life.

Now you're not managing your circumstances.

You're the creator of your life, but you have to first recognize them so you're not in fear.

And then here's an example.

When did humanity transform from a fearful place as its primary base where we were hunter gatherers, right?

Where literally you had to move from place to place and you didn't know if you're going to eat or survive?

What changed that to be a live in a community and grow a community, a city, a state, a country?

One pattern recognition, seasons.

The day that we figured out that if I do the right thing at the wrong time, I get nothing.

But if I plant it this specific time in the spring, and if I know I got to protect it during the hot summer, I'm going to reap in the fall.

And if I hang on to some of that, I'll make it through the next winter.

That changed humanity completely.

One recognition. And most of us don't have that recognition of the season.

So here's a season for you and your audience to consider.

What season are you in right now?

Because human life has four seasons, if we want to call it that.

As an oversimplification, zero to 21 is springtime.

What do you know about springtime?

Is it hard to grow during springtime?

Things grow automatically in springtime.

If you start a business in springtime, you're going to think you're the business genius.

No, you're just in springtime.

Everybody's optimistic.

Things grow easily.

Goes, goes, goes. It's an overall theme.

It lasts about 17 to 20 years on average.

And then we exhaust that emotion.

It's like even good emotions get exhausted.

Do you ever smile so much your face hurt, right?

So it's like, you need variety.

So then we go into a different season.

We go into the summer, which tests you.

It's hard. It's more difficult.

And then if you make it through that time, you get to reap.

And if you make it through that time, you get to be tested again.

So it's always, you know, we get easy times and tough times.

Why is that important?

Well, zero to 21 is your springtime.

Some of us had to go work at seven or eight years old, but we're still protected.

If there's a war, you didn't go to war, right?

You have someone fed you most of the time.

you someone you're primarily being being poured into education information so it's a pretty easy time then you go 21 22 to 42 that's your summer that's your testing period and i think that's the period that you're coming to the you know the end of and that testing period by the way all the all the studies

show it's the most unhappy time in most people's life because you start out feeling you're invincible right you learned all this stuff you're like you know i don't know if i believe all this crap I was taught.

I'm going to go, I'm going to do this myself.

I'm going to be president of the United States, a multi -billionaire and have a hundred relationships simultaneously, and everyone's going to be happy.

And you believe this shit, right?

Then by the time you're 35, you're like, Oh shit, man, one relationship I'm a hard time with.

And Oh my God, I got divorced or Oh my God, I'm not president.

So you're not so invincible.

It humbles you, but it also makes you grow.

Cause that stage of summer, you're basically the soldier of society.

In fact, if we go to war, that's who goes to war.

22 to 42, a little bit younger, you get the frame.

And then if you're in business, you're the soldier.

But if you're growing in those first two seasons, then you're going to enter your power phase.

And your power phase is basically 43 to 63.

And again, some people get there at 36.

Some people get there at some of their time, but you get the range.

And in that range, it's like you can do more with your pinky and get it done then i'm sure you've experienced this in your life mine too then when i work 22 hours a day and i still work 22 hours a day but now i run 114 companies not two you know and um and i can do nine billion not 100 million you know

it's just it's a different game and so and it's and it's very rewarding and it's when you really enter your power as a person if you worked hard in the spring in the summer then you reap in the fall if you didn't you weep in the fall right then eventually I can tell you this because I'm there now and I

never would have believed it.

So I want to plant the seed of the possibility.

And my friends, I'm going to say out there who are also young men, I think that's mostly your audience, what I can see, who are driven and hungry and want to be their best selves and don't want to settle.

That stage is, the wintertime is basically, say 63, 64 to 84 to 104 to 120 if you have that privilege of living that long, the oldest living humans.

And it's a stage where it is incredibly peaceful if you've done the job in the beginning, because you know who you are.

You're no longer trying to prove it to yourself.

You're no longer hanging on to the duality you described earlier.

And you don't give a shit.

It's like Aristotle said, how do you not be criticized?

Say nothing, do nothing, be nothing, right?

And you're like, F that, right?

I know who the hell I am.

And it's like, I'd love to serve everybody.

It's not gonna be right for everybody I'm totally fine but you're not trying to prove it all you really want to do is serve so I used to have these giant mission statements change the world all these things and I do all those things but now it's like my mission statement is how can I help you know and I

get calls every day of my life somebody's got cancer or tumors or whatever because you know I've got so much expertise in there because I've interviewed the best on earth 150 of them or someone comes to me with a business thing or something a relationship and or it's an athlete.

And so along with what I do formally and what I go to my businesses, I have all this that's happening.

And then I have my family and my, you know, you have friendships that are 40 years old, 45 years old, people you've done business with for 30 years, if you've done it right.

And you love them and they love you.

So when you love at that stage, you love, you know, you love who you're with.

You love what you get to do.

You start to actually love yourself a little bit.

And when I say love yourself, meaning you're kinder to yourself because it's just like, you're not in that game of still trying to prove it.

So if I could magically take that stage and bring it to someone in their twenties, I would do so.

So what I try to do instead is paint them a picture of what the path might look like and that they being an overachiever could anticipate the next path and maybe perhaps spend less time in the struggling phase if they know what's coming.

Anticipation as opposed to reaction in that area.

Tony, you're awesome.

I appreciate you, man.

Where should people go?

They want to keep up to date with the events that you've got coming up and everything else.

Well, there's an event coming up that I do once a year.

I told you about when COVID happened and I created this new way of doing what we do.

We still do live events, obviously.

But once a year, I now do that for free.

I do it for three days.

So I'm doing my next one January 30th, 31st and February 1st.

It's about three hours a day.

So like I said, think of it like going to a movie for once a day for three days, but it's your life.

And instead of making New Year's resolutions that no one follows through on.

It's really about creating a path and a plan and some of that transformation we're talking about, and it's really powerful.

So there's no charge.

It's not partially free.

It's free. So you can go to timetorizesummit .com.

Timetorizesummit .com, get yourself enrolled.

If you do it at the office, you can do it with some friends or at home.

And I'd love to be able to serve them and see it happens.

And if they want to know about other seminars and things, we're on social media under Tony Robbins or TonyRobbins .com.

Heck yeah. Tony, you're great.

Thank you so much for today, man.

Let's do this again soon.

I look forward to it.

Thank you very much.

You

[토니 로빈스의 인생 전략: 자존감의 본질, 감정의 통제, 그리고 의미 있는 삶을 향한 여정]-[#889 - Tony Robbins - How To Build An Extraordinary Life]

📋 Summary

인생의 주도권을 잡는 법: 자존감과 의미의 재발견

1. 자존감은 쟁취하는 것이다

2. 인생의 세 가지 결정적 순간

3. 과거로부터의 자유와 알케미(Alchemy)

4. 프리프레이밍(Pre-framing): 삶의 환경 설계

결론: 인생의 사계절을 이해하라

🎯Key Sentences

📝Key Phrases

📖 Transcript