Welcome to the Allie on the Run show.
I'm your host, Allie Feller, and this is where I talk with people who are doing exciting things on the run and beyond.
From professional athletes and celebrity runners to the everyday amateur and back of the pack runner.
We are here to celebrate everyone and anyone who enjoys a life on the run.
Whether you are running towards something big or away from something that's been holding you back, I'm here to hold your hand and help you pick up the pace.
Today, cousin Jackie is here for another Support Squad episode.
I know these aren't for everyone, so if you're just here for the running stuff, this might be one to skip, or it might not be.
See what you think.
Jackie and I recorded this on my couch the morning after my fifth round of chemotherapy.
Everything went well, but these days are always hard for me.
Chemo is no joke.
The infusion day is hard and the days that follow which is what I'm in right now those are tough too.
So if you're looking for something that's just light and perky, I don't know, this might not be it.
But if you're interested in what it's like living with stage four breast cancer and navigating all that goes with it, or you're interested in hearing about the role of a supporter in all of this, maybe you'll enjoy this conversation.
This is my cousin and closest friend, Jacqueline Adair.
Shall we do this?
Let's go.
Cousin Jackie, welcome back to the couch the morning after chemo.
We just finished round five.
How are you feeling this morning?
I feel good.
I feel like this was a A different type of trip than last time.
Big time.
So if I were to ask you high points and low points over these past few days.
Oh, high points, test results.
Yeah.
Easily.
Low points?
I don't know.
I don't know if there were that many low points.
I think that you were like generally kind of stressed this trip.
And so it was more of like parallel existing than like previous trips where, like we were doing a lot more together.
But I don't know that that was a low.
It was kind of nice to just like be here and like be here if you needed things.
Yeah.
So if people haven't listened to the last Support Squad episode we did together, it was for chemo round one which was just so stressful with it being new, with prior authorizations with you know, we talked about it.
We'd never really got into all the issues cause we didn't need to, but it was like all stuff with the hospital and their admin and the insurance company and theirs and the overall like we were total wrecks going into round one.
Whereas this time it was like, for a lot of reasons.
It was just easier.
We knew what to expect.
Though there was a part of me that was a little worried because I just changed insurance.
Going into this one, I'm divorced now.
So that's a huge weight lifted.
The legal process after two years is complete.
I am officially finally divorced.
So I think even just to be done with that was a huge weight lifted even on days that that wasn't like that, the legal stuff wasn't necessarily dominating my day.
It was always there.
Like the stress of it was there, and to not have that this time was really nice, though it also meant I switched insurance plans last week, September 1st.
And so, of course, I was just like if this doesn't go through with the insurance, we only had a couple of days to turn it around to make sure everything was fine.
And I did as much as I could on my end.
And we just got the email this morning saying prior authorizations are all set.
Good to go.
So hopefully I will not be getting slapped with like a $60,000 bill from yesterday's appointment.
I have nothing but positive things to say about insurance companies at this moment.
Really?
Wow.
I wouldn't go that far, but that's very kind of you.
I got my bill from my tests to get diagnosed.
I'm sure I've already told you this, but I got a bill a couple of weeks ago and I'm looking, I look at the total and I'm like whoa like, what is this for?
It was for, I think $8,400.
It was from the testing that I had to do in May to get this diagnosis.
So, like the original PET scan, all those CTs, the bone scan, the MRIs, just for me to get this diagnosis, the tests that my doctors ordered and said are medically necessary, still after insurance 8400 to get a stage four breast cancer diagnosis.
So yeah, not only do you get cancer, you get to pay for it.
Exactly.
Yeah.
No, it's been awesome.
It's the gift that keeps on giving.
But yeah, I'm glad you have all positive things to say.
I still don't.
But at the moment, this is not a forever status.
Okay.
Yeah.
We had certainly lower stress.
So you've been here.
You came up a couple of weeks ago when these scans first started. showed up in the portal.
So I knew that I would be having my first rounds of scans to see if the chemo was working.
You didn't give me a choice.
You just said, when are your scans?
I'm coming.
Yeah.
I think I actually asked you to move the scans for me.
I remember you saying, Oh, I can just take someone local.
And I remember thinking, okay, that's fine for the actual test days.
But when those results come back, I don't know how you're going to feel about like not having somebody here, depending on how those went.
And so I felt strongly that it would be good to come with you to those scans and then be here.
So kind of in the waiting period, not knowing if they would get the results immediately or if it would take a couple of days, but knowing that, like you, weren't going to be alone when those results came through.
Thanks for doing that.
It was helpful.
Yeah.
Should we just go through?
I took good notes.
Yeah.
You're great at taking notes.
I started being great at taking notes.
I didn't take notes yesterday.
Well, I started to, but so you got in, we're recording this on Wednesday morning, as we always do.
I had chemo on Tuesday, yesterday, but you flew into town on Thursday, right?
Yes.
Thursday.
I vaguely remember this.
I got here Thursday.
My parents picked you up, right?
No, my coworker picked me up.
Your coworker.
Okay.
That's right.
Yes.
And generously brought me to your house.
We went to the picnic, back to school picnic, where I'm now a regular because I went to the end of the year picnic and now I'm back for the start of the year picnic.
So that was actually really nice.
And I think good for everybody to start this off with like, a nice relaxing get together.
It was fun to see all of your friends again, see this great community that you've built here.
Everybody was so welcoming and it was fun to see Annie playing with her friends and you with your local support group.
So that was a really nice start to the trip.
Yeah, forgot about that.
You've been.
So yeah, you were at Annie's end of school picnic because you came up to go to my scans with me then.
I love scans.
You love scans and picnics.
That's what you're really here for.
And medical appointments of all kinds.
Yeah, what's not to love?
So that's right.
We went to the picnic, came back gave Annie a shower, got the bathroom soaking wet because she was having so much fun.
Eventually got her to bed and then the next morning was scan day.
So Friday we had to be up at Dartmouth pretty much the whole day.
Had to get any off to school first.
So my notes say that I was up at 345 after going to bed at almost midnight which yeah, I did not get much sleep.
So I was just, I was like, well, I'll just get up.
I did my little Peloton strength in my bathrobe.
I did laundry.
I made Annie's lunch.
I took the trash out.
Like I was very productive that morning.
And I wasn't.
I've mentioned this online that I know people talk a lot about scansiety, about like, what are my scans going to show?
I can't control it.
And I didn't have that about the actual scans.
I think at that point, I was just like, whatever we're going to see is already happening.
They're just giving us that information.
I also felt like I'm not kidding when I say I was delusionally optimistic about these scans.
Like I can't feel that little bump that was there.
I'm not in any pain.
I don't have new pain anywhere.
So you know not that that necessarily means anything, but I was in a pretty good headspace about what these were going to show.
And I wasn't letting myself spiral or freak out.
And I was in the exact opposite headspace.
And the number of people that I talked to the week leading up to it and probably the two weeks leading up to it, because I did not want to talk to you about it.
It was a lot.
And I was just kind of projecting my stress about the whole situation to them because I needed an outlet.
And I know that you and your entire community are here in New Hampshire and also across the internet were all delusionally optimistic and I wanted that for all of you guys and I let myself go to the exact opposite place and I don't know if that was because I felt like someone logistically had to be thinking about what would happen if the scans didn't tell us what we wanted, or if it was like a protection mode in terms of like, If I prepare for the worst and we get good news, then that's wonderful, as opposed to preparing for good news and then being let down.
So I was super happy that you weren't stressed about it.
And it was literally all I could think about in like a really sad, dark way.
And so I also did not sleep well. at all the night before her scans.
I had my dark day on.
I believe it was Wednesday, which was when I washed my hair and all my hair came out for the first time.
Like I've had some shedding and I can see that my hair has been thinning, especially like just to the side of my eyes, like my hairline right around my face.
It's sparse looking and I'm trying to find ways to like cover it up.
But I, yeah, I took that shower, washed my hair and it was just coming out by the handful.
And that was my bad day of like, I'm doing everything right.
I'm doing everything that I can.
I mean, I'm not doing everything right, but I'm trying, especially when it comes to the hair stuff.
If I'm in a cold cap, I'm going to go all in.
I'm washing my hair in cold water, stuff like that that just sucks.
So I had been told that most of the shedding would probably occur between the first and third round of treatment.
And I got through those like this was around five.
So I was like, maybe I'm in the clear.
And so then to have that this week was just yeah, I was like the word devastated sounds dramatic.
But I mean, it just I haven't.
I haven't spent a lot of time this time around breaking down and crying.
Every time I've started to have a breakdown, I look at myself in the mirror and I'm like stop, go about your day.
And I know that at some point I need to like let those tears out, but I don't really have time.
So I'm just stuffing it all down.
But that was my.
Yeah, I guess, as we were originally started to say highs and lows, my certainly one of my lows of this week was the hair loss and knowing, like kind of grappling with that decision now of what to do, which we can get to when we talk about the actual treatment day.
But that was my low.
Did you have a low?
No, not really.
Like I said, I actually feel This is not the right word, but I feel, like, unhelpful this trip.
Oh, interesting.
Because I feel like so much of it went so much smoother than round one that like I just didn't have as large of a role to play in this.
Good.
We weren't fighting dragons this time.
No.
No.
We weren't fighting anyone.
Oh, I can always...
Actually, I take that back.
We'll fight someone later in this story.
Oh, yeah.
Something.
We'll fight something.
Okay.
I remember well, I don't remember, but I have it in my notes for scan day, driving up and listening to my rage music.
You definitely were raging that morning.
Very out of character for me, but that is in my notes that we were running late, in that we were only like 10 minutes early instead of 30.
Allison called Dartmouth to tell them that we'd be running late, when we still arrived five minutes early.
I'm pretty sure the woman on the phone was like, thank you for taking the time to call us.
Have a great day.
And then did not notify your doctors because we were still early.
Yeah, but OK.
Late for you is still early.
I'm always 15 to 30 minutes early to anything.
I also I had shared that it was scan day.
And I remember feeling really between between talking about how sad I was about the hair coming out knowing it was scan day like the amount of love that's been coming my way this week feels similar to the amount of love I got when I shared this a couple months ago.
It is.
It's so overwhelming and I'm not saying that in a bad way at all how could that possibly be bad?
It's amazing.
But then I do carry the guilt of like not responding to everyone and not like yeah, I just want everyone to know that I appreciate it and I see your messages and they matter.
So um, And it's also funny cause I'll go online and like share how I'm really feeling.
But then when you and I are sitting on the couch, I feel like I don't like when I'm with my closest people, I feel like I downplay it a lot and I'm like, Oh, but on the internet I'm not faced to, it's kind of like with running.
You'll share anything when you're running side by side with someone because you're not looking them in the eye.
But like I can post whatever I want on the Internet.
I don't have to look at anyone.
And then I can go read about it while I'm sitting next to you.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Alright, so scan day.
I had two scans.
I was getting a full body PET scan and an MRI.
I thought the MRI was also just like a full body MRI, which we'll get to because it wasn't.
So that was what I thought my tests were.
I did feel, I didn't remember.
All these tests happened so fast last time that I couldn't differentiate them.
So I forgot that with the PET scan you go in and I have to like, sit in a private room and just sit and be still while the radioactive contrasts.
When he gave it to me, i called it a die and he was like we don't say die in a hospital.
I was like what do i call it contrast?
Um, so we got up there and i feel like i got taken back right away, like everything moved really quickly.
It was super efficient.
Yeah, right on time.
Um, you brought a book i did.
How'd that go?
How much reading did you get done on scan day?
I don't know how much I got done on scan day but, spoiler alert, I read an entire book on this trip.
I am so proud of myself.
Very relaxing for you.
It was great.
I had your book.
Oh, that's right.
Because you got up to use the bathroom while we were waiting and you left your book with me, which is Kira D'Amato's book Don't Call It A Comeback available now.
And I was like, I'll hold on to this.
And then they called me back and I couldn't find you.
And so I had your book with me the entire day.
I'm sorry.
You kept the book hostage all day.
Sorry.
And then I went and sat in a room by myself.
So I
They bring me back.
I get a finger prick and the finger prick freaks me out more than anything else.
Why?
I have no idea.
Just it's just a little finger prick to test my blood sugars.
And of course, in my mind, I'm like, those probably aren't going to be great.
I had like 17 brownie bites for dinner.
So.
Yeah.
I got my port accessed.
So normally when they tap my port, I'm in the same room in the cancer center.
But this time I wasn't.
I was in the radiology department.
So instead of laying down, I was sitting up.
It was a different person doing it.
I was like really nervous because it was just different.
But it was easy.
It was fine.
The guy who was doing it was like a jokester.
So he was funny and entertaining.
I did have to fast for these.
And I remember being like, I'm starving.
This is the hardest fight of my life.
Well, that's where I got you back because then I got you a sandwich that I couldn't get to you.
So you kept my book hostage and I kept your food hostage.
Fair.
Um, the PET scan, well, I, I also wasn't feeling great.
The hospital smells, doesn't matter what department I'm in.
I just feel like those smells now just trigger nausea in me.
Um, the PET scan.
So after I waited, so they put you in like a recliner with a blanket and you just have to sit and wait for the contrast to go through your body.
You're alone.
There's nothing to do.
And it's like in the depths of Dartmouth and my phone wasn't working.
So I couldn't even just mindlessly scroll or do anything.
And I was very frustrated.
You could have read a book.
I already read that book.
I could have.
Yeah.
This time I didn't bring a book with me.
I brought my laptop, but I couldn't reach it.
So then he came and got me and was like, all right, time for the PET scan.
PET scan itself is only eight minutes.
And I'm like, oh, easy breezy.
I can do that.
So they strap you in.
You're in the machine.
I just try to keep my eyes closed so I don't see how small the space is so I don't panic.
And I was like OK, just sing all too well 10 minute version in your head and this will be over in no time.
I could sing the first two lines.
And then after that I couldn't think of a single line from all too well 10 minute which I know that song like the back of my hand.
And I just like in that machine, I couldn't do it.
And I was getting so frustrated with.
But eight minutes went by fast and as soon as I got out of the machine I could somehow recite the entire song.
But yeah, the MRI was chill and then I went or the PET scan, then I was brought back, I went and got you, then it was time for the MRI.
Yeah, we went straight there and checked in and I think you asked like can I check in, leave and then come back because there was a bunch of time?
And they were like, actually, we can just take you right now.
So they took you right into your next appointment.
Yep.
And I put on the little patient scrubs that they give you.
That I don't think could possibly fit anyone.
I mean, how many people's pants did I see fall down?
Three.
People are just, no one knows how to tie these things.
It's so uncomfortable.
So I changed.
I met Jess in the waiting room, which was really funny.
Jess was also going through treatment for cancer.
And so I change into my little gown or whatever, and I'm in the waiting room and I hear someone go.
Allie on the run or are you Allie?
I think.
And I was like, hi.
Like, so you just don't expect that in an MRI waiting room.
And she was very sweet.
So, Jess, I hope that you got favorable results and that you're doing well.
Do you want to walk through what happened next while I was back in my own little room?
Sure.
Yes, I might have.
Sent some messages to some people who are part of your medical team and just gave them an update that we were there and doing the scans.
And then magically we got some initial test results come back.
From the PET scan I had just done eight minutes prior.
Yeah.
And...
The results were great.
They were unofficial, but they were great.
You came out in your little scrubs to the waiting area to let me know.
And then I also got the information pushed to me.
And then you went back and I lost it in the waiting room.
It started out like little tears.
And I was very aware of a man sitting across from me who was watching this happen.
And then I got out a tissue to try to like dry up the little tears that were rolling down my face.
And then it just kind of turned into like.
All out crying.
And then I went around and asked the woman at the front desk if I could go back and talk to one of the patients who was sitting in like the scrub only room.
And she's like, sure, just go ahead.
And so then I walked back and I was just like, I need to give you a hug.
And you were stoic and that's great for you.
And I was just crying, openly weeping in the waiting room.
And that was great for me.
I needed that.
I think I told you that was probably like the first time I think I cried in front of you.
Intentionally, I've tried to keep some of those bigger emotions away from you.
But in that moment, I needed that for me.
This episode of the Allie on the Run show is brought to you by UFOs.
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Well, whenever I think about that, which is weirdly often, I think about UFOs because honestly, I would be delighted to walk a mile or more in someone's UFOs.
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Yeah, how did you get Dr. Rosencrantz's phone number?
You gave it to me.
I did?
Yeah, we're friends.
Yeah.
So you had given her a heads up because I was like I'm not going to bother her and be like I'm here for my scans.
Either like come say hi or hey, can you take a look when they pop up?
But I sent her a text after after the PET scan and jokingly was like who do I need to Venmo in this hospital to get an early read on a test I just completed?
And she responds and is like, I'm already looking at them.
And I was just like. damn girl.
So, you know, she was able to kind of sneak in and see the pictures.
And she said, she was like, this isn't what I do.
You need to wait for, you know, the people who do this to give you the actual readout.
But she sent me the pictures.
And one was a picture from my scan in May when I got diagnosed.
And I mean, my chest is just lit up.
Like there's just these huge spots that were you see them and you're like, whoa, like that's bad.
And then the scan from 60 seconds prior and those spots are gone.
Yeah.
And I'm not a radiologist either, but it was very.
I'm good at a lot of things, but that one I don't know anything about.
It was so obvious just looking at the pictures.
It was night and day and it was hard to not be excited, even though they weren't like official results.
It was clear what they were showing us.
Yeah.
Bit of feedback.
They're not flattering pictures.
I don't look cute in them.
I will not be framing them, but they are my favorite pictures.
I would frame them a hundred percent over the mantle.
So that was, I don't know.
I had like, Oh, this is what she said.
She called me and I'm in that waiting area.
So I'm trying to like whisper.
You're not supposed to be on phones.
So I'm kind of just like I'm not wanting to get excited either, because I'm in a room full of people who are also getting scans and not everyone's getting a good phone call that day.
So I didn't want to show any sort of like excitement.
This is the best news ever.
You for sure.
When you came in, they all thought I got terrible news because you were crying and crying and crying.
And I was like, they all think that I'm like, this is it for me.
But yeah, she.
When she called, I do remember her saying, it's working, Al.
And I love that Dr. Rosenkranz is one of two people in my life who calls me Al.
And the other is Dee, my college roommate.
And so it's like a very special nickname to me that there's people that call me Al.
So she was happy.
I was happy.
And then you were very happy.
I feel like I also and this was my mindset the whole weekend too is like I wanted to.
I wanted the official report.
Like I was getting excited.
You know it was.
It was obviously good to hear that from her, but I was like I'll believe it when it's official.
So I think again, as usual, I just kind of stuffed that down and was like, okay, time for my MRI.
And I did, I very quickly got brought back for my MRI.
Uh, they asked what music I want.
I asked for Taylor Swift as usual.
And they said, well, it's Pandora.
And I got Miley Cyrus party in the USA.
Uh tipsy, by shibuzi, um and taylor.
I got style, which is one of my least favorite taylor swift songs.
So i was like man pandora, we gotta upgrade this to spotify um the mri.
So i've had plenty of mris by now.
I was about to get wheeled.
You know, usually as soon as i lay down, i close my eyes.
I don't want to see that tube and how small it is.
I don't want to panic.
Um, I was like really strapped in.
They like my arms were held down.
Right.
My arms are down by my sides.
And they give you the squeeze button in case you have an emergency.
And my eyes are closed.
And then she's like, all right, just strap it on the helmet.
And for some reason I opened my eyes cause I was like helmet.
And it's like a plexiglass plate that is within centimeters of your nose.
Like it is right there.
And it's just something about it.
It just freaked me out.
I'm like, all right, just breathe.
It's going to be fine.
I knew it would be about a 30 minute scan.
Um, And then she wheels me in and I accidentally opened my eyes again and I'm just in this tube with plexi.
Like I just felt so trapped and I'm like, you're going to be okay.
You're just get through this.
You don't want to have to get wheeled out.
Um, and I did, I squeezed the button like right away and they are like, are you okay?
And I was like, I need a minute.
I need to reset.
So she wheels me out.
I took a couple of deep breaths and was just like, take a reset.
Fortunately, they hadn't actually started the scan yet.
But it was the first time I've ever freaked out in an MRI machine.
I was like soaked in sweat.
Just didn't like that.
But she wheeled me back in.
It was fine.
Everybody in the MRI get tipsy.
Had a great time.
And...
Then I came out.
They removed my port, like the access part so that I could go.
You drove home.
I feel like there's not much else I remember from the day.
No, we got out of there as fast as possible.
Yep.
And then, oh, we went, we came home, we changed immediately and we went for a run.
We did.
We drove to conquer.
We did the feller 40, uh, four mile loop.
4.1.
No, I stopped my watch at exactly four miles.
There was no 0.1 for me.
Uh, yeah, it was super hot.
We were melting, but I'm really proud of us that we did that.
Yeah.
And I set a PR.
Yeah, congrats.
Of course, PR.
Very good.
And I didn't poop my pants.
I was feeling awful on this run.
I had to walk a lot.
I was just so aware that I had all this radioactive dye floating through my body.
You did not walk at all.
You walked for like two seconds.
Yes, I did by the... by the Concord Family Courthouse.
I had to walk and I was like, of all the places I'm going to have to run in and ask the bathroom, it's this awful building where I have only traumatic memories.
Okay, that's not how I remember this run.
Really?
I remember as soon as we got to I walked a couple times I think, because my body was like you need a bathroom.
And it was really hot.
It was very hot, but I'm proud of us.
We did it.
We picked up Annie from school.
We came home, took showers, ate salmon salads, probably watched The Loud House with Annie.
Oh my God.
We watched so much Loud House.
She loves the Loud House.
I feel like on when you've done these episodes with other people you talked about, like what shows you guys watch?
And I was thinking we're going to have to say the Loud House.
That's all we watched.
We watched the Loud House.
We watched The Summer I Turned Pretty, the latest episodes that you hadn't seen.
And that's kind of it.
Yeah.
We watched some movie last night.
Oh, someone great.
Yeah.
That was never seen it.
It's cute.
That's one of my go-tos for when I just kind of want like a background movie on.
I love Brittany snow.
Um, okay.
Saturday hung out at my parents all day.
You went for a run.
I went for a walk from my parents' house while Annie played.
And it was rainy and cold.
Oh, what else did we watch?
You're welcome.
We watched the Eagles game.
Oh, we watched the Eagles game.
Go birds.
I didn't even know my TV got sports channels.
Yeah.
We did not watch that.
Yeah, I did.
You watched like 30 seconds of it.
You asked some good questions.
Thank you.
And then I watched it on my phone in bed.
Yeah.
And then at my parents' house, we watched the Penn State game.
So way too much football for me.
We are.
Penn State.
See, you're good at this.
Yeah, David Feller raised me.
Um, and of course all the while I am refreshing the portal.
I mean, I've probably refreshed that portal and all weekend like I knew that my results weren't going to pop up.
Um, but I do believe I got the okay.
So this was the thing about the MRI.
Is that I thought it was a regular MRI.
It was a brain MRI, which is why my head was strapped into the helmet, because i don't think, i don't know if i've even had that before, but it was did last time and that's why they were doing this again.
Well, i knew i'd had a brain mri, but i hadn't opened my eyes and seen the little helmet strapped across my head.
Um, so we did get the brain mri results that night, i think yeah, like the night of the scan, saying it's totally fine because i'd had a spot on my brain in the first one that they weren't concerned about.
And so this was to check for that and we got the all good, no concerns.
And so I did get that result right away.
When we were at my parents, I shared with them like hey, this isn't official, but like Rosencrantz sent these pictures.
You can clearly see that this thing has shrunk.
So I think it was nice to give them that news, let them breathe a little easier.
But otherwise, I wasn't telling people yet because I was I just wanted it to be official.
So, yeah, we hung out at my parents rainy day.
It was kind of nice.
It was great to just hang out and eat cheese and crackers all day.
Sunday sunday was a fun day.
Sunday was a fun try fast at any school.
So we were up in the rain um, but any school put on a little triathlon where they swim, scoot and run um, and it was cold and it was raining and the kids were such champs and it was so cute badass.
It was one of those mornings that if it were me and there was a race, I would have said I'm not getting out of bed.
But these kids, these like six year olds, were out there in like 50 degree weather in bathing suits, just kicking butt.
And it was so cute.
And Annie loved it.
She finished and I think she said, I'm so cold.
I want to do it again, which was really cute.
So that was a blast.
And then because it was so raining, we came back, we watched the Loud House.
And then we took turns running.
We each ran five miles in shifts.
And then my parents came over with Lobster and we had a great time.
Lobster dinner.
You're doing an amazing job at being a vegetarian.
I am the best vegetarian when I come to New Hampshire.
I ate lobster.
I ate salmon.
I later had a steak taco.
You think your stomach's messed up?
Holy crap when I go home.
Tear you up.
The biggest news from Sunday is my...
Stress went away Sunday night with two good uses of the fly swatter.
Oh my God.
The flies.
There have been two flies that have been living not only in Allison's house but also in her head for the past week.
And I think it has been truly more stressful to her than cancer and divorce.
It has been awful.
And they just taunt us and they land on your lap and then they land on the counter.
And it was our mission to...
Get rid of the fly.
I was in such a mood Sunday night because I just these flies would not.
I've tried to get them out the front door, out the back door.
How many times did we hit your legs, bruising you because they were on your legs and you killed one of the flies?
I did not kill it.
I captured it and let it go outside.
Right.
That was what we told Annie.
Yeah yes, so you released one of the flies and then my mom released the second fly and I felt my stress levels go down immediately.
I was like this is great.
So thank you, you're welcome.
See, I did add something to this weekend.
Yeah, this was not a late lift for you.
All right, so then Monday, what was Monday?
Monday was a normal day.
Dropped Annie at school.
You took my dad to the airport.
I was productive on Monday.
I worked.
I edited episodes.
I had therapy with Martha.
Shout out Martha always.
And we ran nine miles.
You ran nine miles.
You ran eight miles.
I ran eight.
Yep.
So we did what has now sort of become a tradition.
So the day before chemo, the day before my first round, I think I ran five miles.
The day before round two, when Connor was here, I ran a 10K.
When Emily was here, we did the eight mile loop.
So I was like well, if I've done five six, I did seven the day before one of the rounds eight.
I was like I got to add another mile, like this stupid little challenge I'm giving myself, which will not last much longer.
And so I had in my head, I wanted to try to do nine miles.
I wore my SC Elite V5s, which I think is the only reason I survived this run.
Those shoes are amazing.
And we did great.
We did do great.
Absolutely.
Yep.
Walked the big Hills, but ran, it was a beautiful day, not humid.
Um, and then Tyler, you're going to have to bleep this.
So I feel like I was.
I want to say I feel like I was misled on this run because you said I walk a lot on this run.
There's a lot of Hills.
And so in my mind, I was like, okay.
If this is an eight mile loop, we are walking four of the eight miles.
And I think we walked a total of probably like one.
No, we walked more than that.
I promise you.
Those hills are insane though.
You have to walk.
Yeah.
It's a gnarly route, but I love it.
It's so pretty.
And so then we're on the last stretch about to turn onto my road.
We're walking and we were single file.
We're walking on the correct side against traffic.
And this guy drives within like inches of me.
And so I gesture with my arm and I yelled, move over.
And that was it.
Well, he starts screaming at me.
He puts his hand out the window, gives me the middle finger.
I gave it back.
I figured he was gone and couldn't see us by then.
I'm just like, whatever, dude.
I'm following the rules.
These are like empty country roads.
It's not like...
And there's no sidewalks.
We did nothing wrong.
We were doing exactly what we were supposed to be doing.
And so then all of a sudden, this same guy pulls up behind us.
He had turned around to drive up behind us and continued screaming at us.
And he yelled, do you think you're better than everyone working out or are you just a huge c***?
I was like, whoa.
And so I responded and said, I'm just a huge.
He didn't like that response.
It was a great response though.
And so he's just, he stops his car and he's just screaming.
And we were walking at this point.
I don't even think we were running.
And he's just like going off about what an awful person I am.
And I should be on the other side of the road, which is incorrect.
A guy comes out of his house who's right there just to look and be like, is everything okay here?
And then the guy sped off.
And it took literally everything I had to be like, she has cancer.
I wanted to be like... She's going to chemo tomorrow.
Like get a life.
Sorry, taylor.
Also, when he was like, do you feel good about yourself working out, i wanted to be like yeah, i have chemo tomorrow and i'm stressed, waiting for official results of my scans to tell me what i should like.
Yeah asshole, i do feel good for being out here and being a law abiding citizen in the.
It was so anyway, this set me off this interaction unnecessary yeah, and it put I could tell that he got in your head over that.
It took everything in me not to burst into tears of just like, can I get a break?
Like God, I took this hour for myself to like, do something nice on a stressful day at a stressful time.
And like this guy, Just screaming at me.
Yeah, I was mad.
And of course, the whole time I'm like wanting to just push it further and I'm wanting to engage.
And I'm just like, he probably has a gun in his car.
Don't like nothing good comes from this.
But I also there was a part of me that wanted to be like, OK, what's the real problem here?
Like all I did was gesture at you to move over because you were too close to me.
I was scared.
That was a scary thing thing to see a car flying right at you and not move over like, let's work this out.
No, neither of us need to be this worked up right now, but he seems like a very worked up type of person it was.
And then the guy came out of his house to be like are you guys okay?
And I didn't want to rehash it and I was just like yeah, like people are gonna be who they are, so that it did get in my head.
And then for the next mile of the run I was just like stewing on it.
And I was just mad and upset and was like.
And I think that's a good life lesson to everyone is like you never know what other people are going through.
Like it shouldn't have had to take me yelling at that man to be like she has cancer for him to not be an asshole.
But maybe just think, is it necessary to call somebody and scream at them?
You don't know what's going on in their lives, and our takeaway also was that he's probably got a lot going on in his own sad life too, and if it, He had to take that out on you, which was unfair and unnecessary.
But it was more about him than anything we did in that moment.
Yeah.
Didn't love that.
So we finished the run.
You wanted to stop at eight when we got back to my house and I was going to do an extra just like quick half mile out and back because I wanted to get to nine.
Um, so I think I got myself in a better headspace in that last mile.
And oh, I had told myself at the halfway point or past the halfway point.
But when we were at the apple orchard, which is one of my favorite places, I told myself my reward for getting up all those hills to get to the orchard was I could check the portal and see if my results were in.
Cause I just had a feeling I was going to get them yesterday or that day.
And, um, So we're at the orchard and I'm checking, no results.
Okay, let's keep running.
So as soon as I finished the run like I hit nine miles and I immediately pulled out my phone, logged into my DH and the PET scan results were there.
And I read the results.
It said what you know Dr Rosenkranz had said.
She thought that two of the spots were.
There was resolution in two of the spots.
There is still stuff we can see in there.
Um, but overall, like this chemo is working and it's working well and it's working fast.
And so to have that confirmation obviously amazing is, I mean the best possible news we could have gotten.
Um, and it was the first time that you got like good news.
And so I'm glad that it happened while you were running because all of your other bad news happened.
Also came when you were out either on walks or runs.
And this was a much needed mindset change for you that runs didn't equate with bad test results.
Yeah, we're flipping the script.
We're changing the narrative.
So I was really excited to come back to tell you that.
And I think before I even like changed or showered or anything, I emailed my group of friends to tell them the news.
And then my phone just started exploding.
My friend D called the other person who calls me out.
She and I ended up talking on the phone for an hour, which was so nice.
Just great.
Chatting, catching up, reminiscing like all the fun things was, getting a ton of messages from all my friends, and then I was like right now that the people who I wanted to hear it directly from me know posted on Instagram and was like inundated with love and you and I were like we're going out.
Like we're not sitting on the couch tonight.
Let's like.
We did debate it for a while because we were pretty tired and we ran a lot and we were like should we just stay in cozy clothes or should we like go out and celebrate?
And we agreed, let's get out of this house and go do something.
Yeah.
It was also like 530.
So it's not like it was late at the time.
We made a nice early.
But yeah, we went to Margarita's Mexican restaurant, one of the only restaurants open in Concord, New Hampshire, on a Monday.
This town is wild for the record.
I'm saying it's not like a vacation town where... when you're off season, things are closed.
Like there were no restaurants open on a Monday and, coming from Washington DC, this is just blowing my mind that you can't get food on a Monday.
Um, I had my first drink, which was a big deal.
As soon as I got this diagnosis, I stopped drinking any alcohol.
Like I've never been a huge drinker anyway, but like if I'm out or if I'm celebrating, I enjoy having a good cocktail or a good glass of something.
Um, Um, and I was very torn.
I was like, I feel like I want to have a drink.
Like, I feel like I just want one more little thing, like help me take the edge off, celebrate.
Like it just, I wanted to celebrate.
And I really was like okay, but I stopped drinking um, just because I know it's not going to help me live longer, it's not going to do me any favors.
To me, that's like an easy thing to cut out, um.
But I was like no, I'm going to have one strawberry margarita on the rocks with salt, because I think that's okay.
I think one drink is okay.
Um, so we did.
We had a margarita, we had a lot of chips and salsa and we felt like we were celebrating.
We did.
It was nice.
It just felt nice.
We put on like real clothes, and by real clothes I mean like jeans, but but not sweatpants or yoga pants.
So it felt nice.
It was, it was nice.
We went out, we laughed, we had fun.
We came back and then it was, then it was business.
It was time to get ready for chemo the next day.
I had to watch cold capping videos.
You did.
Thanks for doing that.
I wanted to just wait until the morning and you were like, no, watch them now.
I just like to feel prepared and know everyone's prepared and ready to go.
All right.
So chemo day, chemo round five.
How were you feeling heading into chemo round five?
Pretty good.
Actually.
I've, Watched my videos as instructed.
I felt like I knew what I needed to do.
We packed up all of our stuff the night before, including your laptop and a book.
And compared to round one where we had so much stress going into that morning not even knowing if they were going to treat you that day.
Like this just felt so easy in comparison.
And I think also last time we spent the Monday before chemo doing a million errands.
That was when we did your hair extensions and we had a bunch of appointments with cooler heads and we were scheduled every minute of that day.
And, as you said, like Monday, you were productive and I wasn't sat on the couch and read a book a lot.
And so it just was like a different feeling of going into it.
I felt prepared.
I felt like we did everything we needed to and it was just going to be hopefully a routine day.
So a big difference for you, for this one too, is that, and the reason you were watching those videos is that for my first three rounds we had Lauren from Cooler Heads there, which was even more than she needed to do.
Like cooler heads, it's like if we're able to, we'll send someone to your first one, and Lauren is amazing and made it to three of my appointments.
Yeah, and that was the only other time I cried when I saw.
That's the only other time I cried in front of you when I saw Lauren.
So Lauren traveled a lot for work and couldn't be at Dartmouth for this one.
She's so sweet.
She sent me a text the day before letting me know just that she's there and thinking of us.
And if we need anything like call FaceTime, she's just the best.
And so this time was just you manning the cold cap.
So you had experience because you had seen it before, but this was your first time being hands on.
How did you feel about that?
I felt fine, especially because last time there was a big break between the two for me.
But last time, when Emily was up here, She and I were texting about steps because she wanted to make sure she was prepared.
And so just three weeks ago I kind of had like a mini refresher for myself by going through it with her.
And so I felt comfortable.
It's a pretty easy system to man.
And so, yeah, I felt like I was ready to go.
And I know that you feel better knowing that the person that's with you is prepared.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Because I worry about what I can't control instead of what I can.
So that's productive.
So Tuesday, chemo day.
I got up extra early because I knew I wanted to just get outside before this.
Emily and I had done that and it was a really nice way to start the day.
So I got up and I just did that.
I did a 5K before my fifth round, so a mile and a half-ish out and back on my road, and was able to kind of clear my head a little bit, which was nice.
Oh, you and I saw a deer on our run.
Didn't even mention the deer.
That was the day before, yeah.
I know, very exciting.
I love seeing deer.
So I did my run, came back, you were up, we showered, got ready.
Got out the door right on time.
No issues.
Drive up to Dartmouth.
Forget what we listened to.
I think it was some.
I think you were still raging.
Yeah.
And we talked about it a little bit yesterday.
But like I could tell already that you were like in this headspace of like just wanting to like focus on you and And what you needed to get done.
So I think at that point it was like more of just like quiet from me and letting you deal with whatever you were dealing with in your head that morning when we were getting ready and definitely on the drive up there.
Yeah.
Did I make any bathroom stops on the drive?
No stops.
Huge win.
I always make stops on the way.
My stomach's always a mess heading up to chemo.
So all around smooth.
First thing we got parking on P6.
Could have done P5.
We could have done P5, but you were impatient and didn't want to wait for that person to pull out of their spot.
I was already past him.
I would have had to back up.
I didn't want to back up.
So when we went up for the scans, we had the same dilemma of not wanting to back up and wait for a spot.
And then we drove for another like seven minutes up to like P9 and it would have been faster to back up and wait.
But anyway, we parked on P6 and it was great.
Got a good parking spot.
Immediately went down.
I got brought in to get my port accessed.
I had Abby accessing my port.
It was my first time with her.
She was great. it wasn't flowing right away.
So we did have to do some tricks.
I had to like lift my arm up, turn my, she was like, okay, can you turn your head and cough?
And I was like, what kind of appointment am I at right now?
Like anytime I've heard that referenced has been in a movie with a man.
Yeah, you can stop there.
Everyone knows where you're going with this.
Perfect, and that's as much as I really know.
So, but it worked.
Turning and coughing worked.
It started flowing.
Abby was excited, I was excited.
I didn't have to get the human Drano again.
So did that, came back out, and then it was time to meet with my oncologist, which that, to me, is always the hardest part of my day.
Well, there's a bunch of hard parts also.
The cold capping is a hard part, but I don't know.
I feel like I never come out of my meeting feeling good or feeling better.
Cause I think it's, it's all real.
Like we're not there to pump me up and make me feel good.
We're there to talk about how it's going and next steps in a matter, a very matter of fact way.
What was your read on the oncologist visit this time?
You and I had very different takes on this appointment.
Last time we were in lockstep when we walked out of there because we were in fight or flight mode over getting treatment.
And I think for you, you're just primed now for these appointments to kind of be frustrating.
And I know that you don't always feel like you're being heard and that they're very clinical.
For me, I thought it was a really helpful appointment.
I felt like I got a lot of information out of it.
I walked out of there feeling good and informed and that there were a few options in terms of like what the next steps would be and how we were going to approach that whether it was your medicine or future treatment and I thought we talked through like a lot of options and she was open, um to to a few different paths and so I thought it was a good appointment.
And I know that that's not how you felt.
Yeah um, it's also like the reality of.
It is hard to wrap my head around.
I forget.
I definitely did start to cry at one point because I remember her being handing me a tissue.
Do you remember what I cried about?
I don't.
I think it was when she told me that I should probably just get a wig, which we talked about, you know of.
Hey, all of a sudden I'm having a ton of shedding.
And just asking, you know, this drug is so new.
They don't have all the data that I want to make some of these decisions, which is like hey is.
Does it come to a point on this chemo regimen where it's like okay, you got through it and now your hair is just not going to shed, because if it were going to, it already would have, or I don't know.
I'm just I'm.
I'm having a really hard time with the cold capping this time around.
It just makes these days really hard and uncomfortable.
I feel so sick while I'm doing it um, And my hair after my hair shedding so much.
It's kind of like well, what's the trade-off here?
Like I'm putting in all of this effort with the cold capping.
I'm making my friends do all of this training and hands-on work.
Like it's not fun for anyone.
Do I just stop?
I don't know.
And I think there's not a ton of data, as you mentioned, with this drug being new, and so any decision that we're trying to make is like a best guess as opposed to like there's a lot of data and we can make a really informed decision about likelihoods of hair loss.
We're just all trying to figure out like what this could look like.
Yeah, and it is kind of fun to think about getting a cool, fun wig that makes me feel confident.
And I don't know.
I think I owe it to myself to actually go through that process, to go somewhere to get fitted, before I make the decision of like How does a wig feel on my head?
Like, is it hot?
Is it itchy?
Is it uncomfortable?
Because the extensions were uncomfortable at first, and then I got used to them.
And with a wig, you know, if my hair stays, I don't have to wear it all the time.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't have the right answer, but I know that I just want to do whatever I can to feel comfortable like some version of my best self throughout all of this.
And this is one of those situations where, like my doctors, can tell me what to do when it comes to the medicine and the treatment, and I will listen to them.
I know that this is a decision I have to make and I feel like I'm waiting for someone to tell me what to do, which is kind of the story of my whole entire life.
Yeah.
And I know for me, like there's been a couple of comments about like, well, it's OK to quit.
You don't have to cold cap.
And that is 100 percent true.
And I think I've been the voice that's been like encouraging you to stick with it and not encouraging you to stick with it beyond the point of like you not wanting to stick with it.
I've always told you if you decide that you don't want to do this, like absolutely.
That's the right decision then.
But I don't want you to make this decision while you have that cold cap on your head.
You need to make that decision when you're not so emotionally invested in it, because I do know how much it means to you to feel like yourself.
And while how you look is not everything, it's a part of it.
And it's because it helps feed like how you feel about yourself, how how Annie will look at you, all of that.
And so I know at the core that that matters to you.
And I just don't want you to make a decision in the moment that you can't take back, because once you stop cold capping like yeah, that's done, it's done.
Um, so I, just to be clear, my message to you has always been you can stop whenever you want, but I want you to make that decision when you're like a little bit removed from like actually being in the moment.
Yeah, I think I want to make appointments and try on wigs and just see And we already texted Michael and she has been researching and has options and virtual appointments and in-store appointments, I guess in-person appointments.
So I think that doing the research and having plan B and plan C in place is really good.
So, if and when you do make that decision, that you're prepared and know what the next steps look like.
Sigh.
Yeah.
I have such decision fatigue.
I have for a long time about everything.
And this is just, you just want to coast and I don't know the right answer.
And I know that people listening will send nice messages encouraging every possible decision, saying I did cold capping till the end and it was hard, but it was worth it for me.
Or I said, I'm not doing it.
And I got a wig and it was either good or bad.
Like.
I know that everyone's going to have their experience um, and i don't know which one i'm going to cling to and decide to apply to my own life, but there will be one, i'm sure.
Other challenge in all of this is that, as we've talked about before, there's no end date, and so exactly doing cold capping, knowing you have four appointments or 10 appointments or even 30 appointments, seems manageable when you know there is a stopping point.
And even in our appointments with the oncologist, like the, The results were great but still like, the long-term plan for treatment is unknown.
And so that makes it really hard and honestly impossible to make a decision when this is indefinite.
Yeah, exactly.
There's no, you know, the line them up and knock them down phrase.
I know like we're we're still lining them up.
We're going to keep lining them up.
I'm going to keep knocking them down, too.
But every time I knock one down, it doesn't mean like we're going to put another one back up.
Yeah, pretty much.
We're just going to move it from the end to the beginning.
Perfect.
And my oncologist confirmed that, which I knew.
We already talked about, hey, if I get great scan results, what does that mean?
And she wants me doing at least four rounds of scans, which are every 12 weeks.
So it's a it's at bare minimum, bare minimum.
I'm on this for a year.
But the way she was talking yesterday was really saying hey, the data that we have available to us at this stage, that data is showing that the best results are people who are staying on this for two and a half to three years.
That's a long time to be doing chemo.
It's a lot of cold capping and yeah yeah, you can't even wrap your head around that right now.
I know I started to be like I can't even come in.
Then I'm just like that's a lot.
It is so and I'm there's so much emotion tied to it now for me that like as soon as I go and wet my hair in the sink in the cancer center, I feel sick.
Like I felt sick as soon as we walked into the infusion suite yesterday.
So, um, so yeah, anything else from the meeting with the oncologist, any takeaways for you?
No, I knew that you wanted it to be like big and celebratory because the news was was good.
And your oncologist is very even keeled.
She's not super emotional.
She's very clinical.
But she used like the phrase like great results.
And she even said wonderful results and like.
I know that wasn't like huge enough for you, but like in her way that was like a real celebration I think.
Yeah.
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Oh, do you want to tell everyone what we were wearing yesterday?
Oh, yes.
We had matching sweatshirts, Team Ali sweatshirts that were provided courtesy of New Balance for all of Allison's support team.
There were when I showed up, I was in the guest room on this trip.
Because Annie was here for the vast majority of the time that I was here.
And the guest room was just overrun with large cardboard boxes full, just packed to the brim with New Balance.
Team Ali sweatshirts.
And they are amazing and they're so soft.
And I put mine on one to make sure it fit to.
Then I wore it around cause it was so cozy.
But I was also terrified of them getting lobster and other meat products throughout the weekend.
So I had to be intentional with when I was wearing it, but they were, They were so great.
And the weather yesterday morning when we got up was so cold.
So it felt nice to put on this really cozy, comforting sweatshirt that showed all the love that's out there for you.
And the other shirt that I'd been wearing to all your appointments, which I packed for this one too, was my Team Ali shirt from New Balance, also from your live show in New York.
Oh, yeah.
And I don't know.
I don't know if it's silly, but I just like wearing them on those days because it's nice to like just feel connected.
And so those sweatshirts are awesome.
We had some conversations with multiple people about what color they were.
Someone suggested fuchsia, which I knew was completely wrong.
I threw out coral, which I don't think got us that much closer.
And it was your oncologist that threw out dusty rose fuchsia.
I don't know, per New Balance, what their official colors are, but I think that got us the closest in describing the color.
Yeah, and that was a surprise from New Balance.
They sent me those just as a way to support, which is so awesome, and I see your messages.
I know that people want to buy them and I'm talking to New Balance about how we might be able to do this.
So trust that we're working on it and seeing if there might be options to do that.
And I appreciate the support.
They really are very soft and very cozy.
So after that, it was time to go into the infusion center.
So you did what the support person does, which is go up to the car and get all the bags the blanket, the snack bag.
And I think I kind of just sat, scrolled, waited and was eventually brought in for the infusion.
And a lot of things, you know, like you said, this was this was a really no drama situation.
I had a hard day because I'm getting chemo and doing cold capping.
So I had a hard day, but we had a great lineup yesterday.
We had my girl Tina who came out to the lobby to get us and bring us back.
And then, of course, I always ask, I'm like, who's my nurse today?
And she said, you're with Andy.
And I could have cried.
I was so excited because Andy, ultra Andy, ultra runner Andy is just sweetest, kindest, best.
I love having him around.
And I always see him when I'm there, but it's rare to get him as my person because there's a lot of people there.
So I felt good about that.
We started doing the cold capping, getting that set up, which takes a minute.
And right away, it didn't feel comfortable.
It never does.
But like that chin strap is just so awful and tight.
And I wore it and I did it.
And then I went to sleep.
That's kind of all I remember.
You slept the entire time, which I wanted to.
I didn't feel good as he did the medicine that tastes bad.
And I was sucking on my Starburst, but I could still taste it.
Last time when I had the Starburst, I couldn't taste it at all.
And this time I just kept getting bursts of tasting that awful drug which is part of the premeds.
So soon as my pre-meds were done, I just pulled that blanket up over my head and slouched over and I was like I'm out, I'm done, I'm sleeping.
I want to sleep through as much of this as possible.
And I did.
Yeah, and I'm glad that you believe me, because last time when I told you you slept, you told me you didn't.
I took little cat naps last time, so while you were sleeping, this time I slept.
I got a visit from Dr Rosenkranz, which was lovely.
We took a nice little selfie while you were sleeping.
I read my book.
I got some food.
I just had a great day while you were taking a nap.
You deserve it after all the shit you've been through with this.
Yeah, it is.
It's an exhausting day for everyone.
It really is.
Uh, and yeah, I was like in that airplane sleep where like, like I knew Dr Rosenkranz was there and I remember like looking up and telling her you're so beautiful, and then just going back to sleep and I was jealous because I was like you guys are hanging out and also that Rosenkranz, like fresh out of surgery, came to visit me um, and I just slept through it but I was just like I've got nothing to give right now.
So yeah, Every now and then they would wake me up to have to like check my bracelet, or every time they start a new drug, they have to, you know, verify it's still me.
And I just I kept falling back asleep.
I was just I was fried.
I was done.
I had also all of this this week has been coming off of because of some schedule changes.
I had Annie for the past 12 days, so like almost two weeks non-stop, which is just the best like, even though it you know it's obviously it's a lot.
You're on all the time like I wouldn't trade that for anything.
It was so nice.
So I do think I I was coming into this one feeling tired.
I've been staying up too late lately and so, Even though it took some strong meds to fully knock me out, I was glad that I just slept through it.
And then we had to move out of the infusion center into our little hallway makeshift crib for me to finish the cold capping.
I remember you asking if I wanted a wheelchair, and I didn't know if you were serious or kidding.
I was serious, because I feel like with...
I don't know, maybe Connor or Michael.
They were like oh, she was like really out of it and I wish I'd put her in a wheelchair.
I was fine.
I don't know.
I don't know that I trust you when you tell me that you're fine.
Probably shouldn't.
And so I just thought, maybe if I just put you in a wheelchair and because you were still so sleepy I just thought, maybe it was easier to get you out there.
Yeah.
So made it out there.
You got me all set up and cozy.
Set up your little toddler bed.
It was great.
And then I kept sleeping.
I was also so aware before I fell asleep.
Everyone just stares at me when I'm out there because I'm wearing this cold helmet.
I'm laying in a chair in the middle of this lobby right by the entrance.
And I was like, I don't care.
I don't care.
I'm going back to sleep.
And I did.
And then, um, Oh, I remember you didn't press the button immediately.
Oh, the eye roll that I just got.
Allison's like obsessed with pushing this button the minute.
Cause it starts.
I understand why.
But it doesn't change actual time.
So whether I push that button or not, we can still stop after two hours.
The machine doesn't have to turn off.
Yes, I was a few minutes late pushing the button because I let her go to the bathroom instead of pushing the button.
And so then I just had to do like a few minutes of math and it was totally fine.
Sorry.
I'm good at math.
We're fine.
Yeah, you're the smart one.
You're the smart one.
I'm the needy one.
Works out well.
Though we did start playing Spelling Bee together as a team and we're really good together.
Yeah, people have asked they're like you play wordle, you play connections and you play strands of like why don't you do spelling bee?
And i'm like i don't like having to just make up words.
But you're not making up words, they're real words.
Okay, i don't like having to know words as opposed to wordle, where evidently you can make up words and it still counts.
Things fly on wordle.
Uh yes, i've gotten very into spelling bee.
We've played.
I don't know if i'll keep playing it once you leave, but i think i probably will.
Um, you can still call me and we can do it.
Oh, i will over the phone, Yeah.
Yeah.
That's been fun.
We got genius on chemo day.
So it was very satisfying.
Um, so yeah, I remember you saying, I think you woke me up or not woke me up, but I was up.
And I think you said like less than eight minutes or less than 10 or something.
You let me know that I was in the home stretch, like truly in the home stretch.
And then cold capping was done and my helmet deflated.
I ripped that thing off so fast.
I was just like, get me out of here.
Yeah, you were definitely ready to be done.
Yep.
And then you drove home.
Don't remember much about the drive home.
I got us here fast.
I think I probably set a PR for that.
Did you?
Yeah.
Good job.
Fast but safe.
Fast but safe.
And then, yeah, we came back here.
I got in the shower right away to just get the hospital smells off me.
I didn't know what I wanted for dinner.
We just picked that stuff.
Well, we ate leftover Mexican food.
That's right.
I had my leftover mini chicken baby chimmy.
The little chimichangas that I love.
And we hung out.
We watched a movie.
I mean, it like...
It was, I think, as easy as a chemo day could be and still one of the hardest days.
Yeah.
You felt hard.
You felt not great last night.
You were feeling a little nauseous despite all the medicine.
That's right.
Yeah.
But yeah, in terms of like logistics and overall complications, it was pretty easy.
Pretty easy.
And you were a great support person as always.
So are there that I mean we've touched on a lot of them but any key takeaways that you think are helpful for people to hear, whether it's?
You know you've been in this support person role for quite some time now, but what's top of mind for you right now?
Again, like just kind of reading the situation, this visit was so different from the first one just in terms of like how long I was here and also like what you needed.
And so trying to be helpful or not be helpful and just kind of stay out of your way sometimes when you have stuff that you need to get done, or you're just like not feeling particularly chatty and not being offended by that or taking it personal and just kind of finding different ways to be helpful.
I think, from a personal perspective, trying to control again what I can control and what I can't control, this has added a different level of things that I can't control to my life and like I don't mean that in terms of like putting stress on you, but like things are already like always kind of out of control at work and like things at home you can only control so much and then with your diagnosis there's only I can't control anything honestly, and I couldn't control those scan results.
Like I can't control how you feel when I'm in DC.
Like I certainly can't feel like I'm helpful in those moments where you're sick or tired.
So at least, being here, I feel like I can do a little bit more in terms of like what's within my control, but there's still so much that like is outside of my control.
And then Just trying to find ways to channel that.
I certainly have been channeling it into running lately.
And I know that's actually.
I don't know if you want to get into this, but that's been like an interesting, I think, dynamic too with us in terms of like.
I'm happy that you're like fast getting faster and that like you're in great shape.
And it's also really hard when like, I feel like I'm not in great shape and like not able to work out.
And so I think trying to like be intentional with what I share about that with you is hard.
Cause I know that you're happy for me.
I, I have focused a lot on running lately because it's like the only thing I can control.
And I know I've joked a lot about like a 10 minute mile pace and that I run everything, but I've been running at like a nine minute mile pace lately.
And that's just because I'm like, all right, maybe I'll just get faster and see what I can do.
And I want to share that with you.
Cause I know like you are excited.
And I also know that, like sometimes that's hard for you to hear when like, you're not out there running or not feeling like you can go fast.
Yeah.
It makes me feel like such a shitty person too.
And I don't know like That's been a thing for me in a lot of scenarios over the past few years of like, how do I be happy for the people in my life who have amazing things worth celebrating while my world is falling apart, whether it's relationships or um, you know people having kids, people getting huge raises and promotions and um, you know people yeah, getting so fit and so fast, like all the things.
It's it's a jealousy, sounds so ugly, and sometimes I'll switch and say like I'm envious because for some reason, that to me sounds softer, like it doesn't.
Yeah, trying to grapple with the fact that, like I am genuinely happy, like these are people that I love and I root for their happiness, and how do I not like compare that to my own situation.
That has been super hard for me over the these past few years.
Like, as I am just looking at, like my mounting piles of bills and legal bills and totaling those that like it's just I, all of these very real things of my family life not looking the way that I wanted it to and And then seeing my friends' dreams coming true in so many ways.
It is hard for me sometimes to grapple with that.
I.
There was a day, not all that long ago, where I forget what it was, but it was something financial related.
I don't think it was the Dartmouth bill.
It was something like a huge bill that came in that I didn't expect and was just like man, like just getting absolutely hammered with stuff.
And that same day I had a friend be like had gone to look at a house just like kind of for fun, and put in an offer on a house and said exactly how much that was for and how much over asking they put in and just being really, and I'm just like that's awesome.
Like that is awesome.
I am happy for you.
And like, that's, it's just hard.
It's hard to you know be in a lot of stressful, very real situations and you know people's lives keep on moving.
Um, when did I think about that?
We were driving somewhere, driving home yesterday and there was a soccer game going on.
And I remember you said to me like, this is, this is always hard.
Cause, like everybody's else, everybody else's lives are just going on as normal and they're having a great day.
And it's so hard for me.
Yeah.
And obviously that's not true of all those people out there.
Like between the kids playing and the adults on the side, not everyone's having the best day of their life.
No, I said actually 50% of them are going to have a terrible day.
Yeah.
And it's.
You know, that's just how it feels when you're going through something hard, because the world does keep moving and people's lives do keep going on.
And, like you know, the same day that I got diagnosed with stage four breast cancer, I'm sure thousands of people that day got engaged, got married, found out they were pregnant, had a healthy baby.
They're all happening at the same time.
And I so badly want to just be able to like, completely put myself, my stuff aside and be happy for the people in my life.
And I do.
This is actually a big thing that I talked to Martha about this week.
It's like, oh good, now I'm crying.
I love that.
Was talking to her a lot about whether it's feelings of or like feeling really stuck in my situation and feeling I was like I don't want to be feeling like victim-y in all this.
And I don't... I didn't ask to have this diagnosis.
I don't want to be going through all of this.
Like I didn't didn't want my family situation to be what it is right now, like none of this is what I wanted.
It doesn't mean I should just wallow in that forever.
So it's like how do I change this narrative, how do I flip this script?
And not like feel so bad for myself all the time, but like it's also hard not to when I kind of hate how I spent my Tuesday this week um.
So yeah, I know I talk about duality an obnoxious amount at this point but I am really trying to live in that of celebrating the wins.
Yeah.
Well, I'm proud of you for talking about it honestly here and with the people in your lives, because for me, I did struggle a lot about like what I wanted to share with you.
I hate.
We've always talked about how we share everything, and there's literally nothing that's off limits when we talk.
And so then it was hard to be like, I don't want to share stuff that's going to upset you.
And so I'm really proud of you for having the courage to say that to me.
Um, it would upset me more if I didn't know.
I know.
And that was great for you to say, because then I knew how to play that as like what I should share, versus like should I keep information from you?
And our family keeps information from each other all too often.
And so I never wanted to be like, even like. consider not sharing information with you.
So I do appreciate you for having the courage to tell me that you want me to share that and that it's hard for you to hear.
And that's exactly what it is.
I still want to know.
Because the idea of going through this with... my relationships changing like that will destroy me.
I need my friends to still come to me and talk to me and like know that I love and celebrate and support them.
I'll deal with my own shit on my own time.
Um, and hopefully that's going to get better.
Like, um, But yeah, it does.
I do.
I have been feeling really stuck lately.
And I think part of it is that there's no end date for this chemo.
There's no light at the end of this tunnel because I don't know how long this tunnel is.
There's no triumphant finish line because I didn't sign up for this race.
I didn't want to participate in this event.
And they won't tell you where the finish line is, or even if there is one, or if you get a medal at the end um, I will get you a medal, thank you, uh.
So yeah, it is like I want to be this cheery, optimistic person and I feel like a lot of that is like being stripped.
I hate that.
Well, we've talked about it before in terms of like the ups and downs, and so I don't think that you need to be one or the other.
Um, you don't have to be cheer you all the time and you don't have to be upset all the time.
But much like our decision to go out and celebrate the win is like, even when it sucks, to find the things that make you happy and vice versa, even when you're super happy and things are going well, there's still going to be things that are okay to be frustrated with.
And just kind of going with the ups and downs for now Yeah, and hoping for more ups than downs.
I have some travel coming up.
I'm going to Boulderthon at the end of this month.
I'm going to be doing a live show there.
The live show is on Saturday afternoon.
I'll share exact details as soon as I have them, which should be very soon.
So I'll be in Boulderthon.
I'm the race announcer.
It'll be good to be out there.
Chicago Marathon.
I'm doing a live show and I actually have a call with them in like an hour about what else I'll be doing in Chicago.
And then, of course, New York City Marathon wouldn't miss it for the world.
So I'm trying to be excited about those trips, but I'm also so nervous about how I'm going to feel because I'm going to all of them during chemo treatment.
I'm nervous about like, what am I going to look like?
I go on these stages in front of people and it's not about.
It's not about what people think of me, because if you look at someone going through cancer and you have any comment on their physical appearance, you are objectively an asshole.
Like, There's no sugar.
One could say you are.
And one did say it multiple times.
The way that that so easily like rolls off my tongue now. is, is awful.
Yeah.
So it's not about what people see.
It's about how I feel.
It's not about wanting people to look at me a certain way.
It's about how I feel.
I want to feel like my most confident self.
And I definitely don't right now.
So I have to figure out what it takes to to look and feel that way, but also know that, like I am going through chemo, I'm not going to look like my best self.
Um so yeah, you're doing great.
Thanks, you've got this.
Uh, anything else?
Any other takeaways from this round, this visit?
What's next, God?
What's next right?
Chemo in less than three weeks again.
More chemo.
So I did finish a book while I was here.
Give Kira a little shout out for an awesome memoir.
She talked about like saying your goals out loud.
And so I'm going to do it since we're talking about getting faster.
I've talked to Allison a little bit about this, but yeah.
My goal is to run a sub two half.
I ran a 201 once unintentionally, and I think I was pregnant.
I'm not entirely sure.
I don't know if it counts if it's that early anyway, but I'm going to blame it on that.
So yeah, my goal, I'm going to try to run a sub two this fall.
What's the quote?
You can't fail if you don't try.
Whatever I had after getting my wisdom teeth out.
In order to fail, you have to try.
Yeah.
So I have to try if I want to fail here.
So yeah, that's going to be my goal for the fall.
That's what's next.
I believe in you.
Have you looked at any haves?
Yeah.
I looked at Philly and I looked at Richmond.
I think Richmond's probably the more likely just with Thanksgiving schedule.
Um, but it also means like, I really need to start doing something.
Your speed is there.
Like you, you ran those five miles at a nine minute pace.
And that was just you, on my boring road by yourself.
You can definitely in a race setting, you just have to get your mile at your long runs.
Yeah.
So I feel like doing eight the other day was helpful in terms of confidence.
Um so yeah, that's gonna be what's next.
I love it.
And then I also told Allison and I don't know if this is for real or not but I want to try to do Boston in the spring.
Um, I've never done a spring race, largely because I'm lazy over the winter and I don't like running when it's cold, and so doing a spring race is going to be a real push for me.
Um, so I'm Dana Farber, if you're listening.
I said I signed up for your emails to get on your team.
I'm gonna raise a shit ton of money for you for breast cancer awareness and run a spring race.
We'll see if it happens.
I love all of these plans and I hope you never don't tell me about your runs, because I want to know and I'm very invested and yeah, I love these plans.
I love you.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for doing so much for me always.
And thank you, especially on this trip for really reading my energy.
I was in a really bad mood for a lot of these past few days and I couldn't like, was it the day that we were at my parents and I was just like in a mood and I couldn't shake it.
Um yeah, I tried to run that day.
I couldn't make it more than like a couple steps.
I ended up going for a walk, which is fine, like walking feels good most of the time.
Um, but I I feel like for the majority of the time you've been here, I have been in a funk.
I couldn't pinpoint why.
Uh, I mean obviously the scans, that was.
I was stressed, but with Rosencrantz calling me minutes after the test, like even without the official results, it put me at ease right away.
So there wasn't... I'm so fortunate that there wasn't that long weekend of waiting.
We had gotten enough good news that...
It got me through those days.
I was still obsessively checking the portal.
I was like, oh, Sunday, 9 p.m.?
You never know.
I know.
You were very frustrated.
Not frustrated.
You were mostly joking.
But you're like, why are people not working on Saturdays and Sundays just to read my scans?
Yeah.
Why isn't there a weekend shift?
What the hell?
But yeah, they still came in quite quickly.
The scans were Friday and I got the final results of the PET scan by 2.20 p.m. on Monday.
So thank you to the team at Dartmouth for they always turn them around pretty quick, which is awesome.
And thank you, of course, to everyone.
If you've made it this far, thank you for listening.
And thank you for all of the love.
It's been completely overwhelming, in the best possible way.
I did try to go back on instagram again after your initial diagnosis.
One tried to like all of the.
I read all of them and then tried to like all the comments on there and i got blocked by instagram as a bot for trying to like too many things.
But i did go in and read all like almost 2 000 comments on the scans and i think i have successfully put a heart next to all of them.
The outpouring of love is just so amazing.
Yeah, it's unreal.
And please know that it matters.
Like on those days when I'm down in the dumps, I don't want to talk to people.
I don't feel like being on the phone.
I don't want to add yet another like womp, womp phone call with my friends because I feel like all I do is I just have like shitty news and I'm sad.
And That doesn't mean I'm sad all the time, but when I'm talking to my friends it's kind of my safe space where I just vent and let it all out when Martha's not immediately available.
So it is nice to just have this like corner of the Internet that feels like I have filled it with cheerleaders and lots of jokes about art.
Lots of jokes.
Yeah, you guys are loving those.
You guys are so great.
The art museum comments like fill my cup.
I love it so much.
So yeah, we're a group with inside jokes.
And so thank you for all of your support.
Even if I don't respond with more than just like a heart, please know that I I'm seeing them.
I'm checking and It means a lot.
So thanks for being part of our extended family.
We are a very fun family.
We are.
Lots of games.
Lots of games.
Lots of secrets.
I love it.
And if we're going to say things out loud, then you're going to commit to finding some time for you for something fun.
This after races are over for the fall some sort of vacation or getaway where we can go and enjoy and not be prepping for cold capping or chemo.
I know your schedule is crazy but I feel like you need to make that commitment to find some time for you.
I send a bunch of links to Connor.
Okay.
Put together a spreadsheet, Connor.
We're ready.
Yeah.
I hope he already has.
All right.
I love you so much.
Thank you for being here.
I love you too.
Never leave.
I'm going to cancel your flight.
Bye.
Okay.
Bye.
Thank you so much for being here for this episode with Cousin Jackie.
Thank you to Lagoon and Ufos for supporting this episode.
And what else?
I'm AllieOnTheRun1 on Instagram.
My Substack newsletter is AllieOnTheRun.substack.com.
I would love it if you would leave a review for the show.
Give it five stars, share the episode if you enjoyed this, but mostly go out there and be the good in this world.
Every day we have a choice about how we show up.
The world feels like a lot right now, and it has for a long time, and it probably will be for a long time.
You have the power to make this world a better place.
So do that.
Do something small, do something big, but be the good.
That is my ask, my offer, my challenge to you.
I'm Allie Feller.
This is the Allie on the Run show.
You've got this.
You're doing great.
And thank you for joining me on the run.
