A quick warning, there are curse words that are unbeaped in today's episode of the show.
If you prefer a beeped version, you can find that at our website, thisamericanlife.org.
Kendra and her husband and their two kids moved back to Boston and it wasn't going great
for her.
She's a teacher but hadn't gotten a teaching job yet.
So she did odd jobs.
A little thing at the John F. Kennedy Presidential Library, she worked as an ashur for the Boston
New Yorker's job.
Which can I say, the kind of Boston specific jobs you would give a character who moved to Boston
in a bad movie.
Like the only thing I wasn't doing is like selling foam fingers at Fenway Pack.
And I made like very little money.
She was actually pretty depressed.
Just dragging herself through the motions of living, not looking forward to anything.
And it wouldn't go away.
She couldn't shake it.
I would wake up in the morning and feel sort of irritated like, oh, this again.
I went to work and I would put a smile on my face but I oftentimes would not hear anything
anyone said to me.
So she's four months into this new downer of her life and she gets off work and it's
April, one of the first bright sunny days after a long dark winter.
She's excited to take her dog Skylar to Wallace and Beach near her house on this pretty
day.
Well, since good for her dog, she says because she's big.
It's kind of a maniac.
And so this beach is perfect because really no one was out.
We started walking.
I let her off leash because she really wanted to splash around.
And she was just frallicking and I saw her moving closer to the water and I realized my
feet were starting to sink.
What do you mean, sink?
Sure.
So my one foot started to really sink and then I was attempting to pull that foot out and
then my other foot started to sink and I realized I was not hitting a hard bottom.
So there was no one to kind of call or cry and it was really happening fast.
I was really sinking quite fast and I should note I like I'm not a tall woman.
I'm a four foot ten woman.
So like for me to start sinking like I was I was like practically up to my thighs in
this like muddy sandy watery mixture very quickly.
Very quickly like how quick.
I would say maybe the whole like gravitational pull down into the sand was 30 seconds.
It could have been three minutes for all I know because time just slowed down.
She struggled to anchor feet up.
She realized the mud and sand and water formed a kind of seal around her boot holding it
down making it too heavy to lift and so scary right.
She thought to herself am I about to break a bone pulling my leg out am I trapped?
I'm just going to keep sinking.
I had no idea what to be afraid of.
I just know that I was very afraid.
Did you think that you could sink all the way under and just go all the way down?
Oh yes that's that's 100% where I thought I was headed.
Quick sand she thought I mean quick sand in Massachusetts and that's interesting.
Apparently when you find yourself sinking in quick sand not on a tropical island or a
jungle not when you're poking around some ancient ruins raiding the lost tombs of dead
pharaohs in an old movie.
But when it happens just like a ten minute drive from your own house on a beach in
a Quincy mass to sits nine minutes from one dug and done it's an eight minutes from another
that thought that inevitably goes through your head in that situation is seriously.
I said this is bullshit this is New England like you're telling me that like quick sand
like that's something out of Princess bride.
What is it doing at Wallisden Beach and why aren't there signs to warn me about this?
Yeah.
I think a bit that John Mulaney does the comedian John Mulaney that when I saw it like I feel
like he was saying out loud something that I have always felt.
He said that based on what he saw on TV as a kid he thought quick sand was going to be
a much bigger part of his adulthood than it actually turned out to be.
Because if you watch cartoons quick sand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry
about in adult life behind real sticks of dynamite and giant anvil's falling on you from
the sky.
Now I've got no other not only have I never stepped in quick sand I've never even heard
about it.
I also was thinking about John Mulaney.
You knew that bit?
Oh John Mulaney is he's on heavy rotation with my kids and me and I remember thinking eat
your heart out John Mulaney if you could see me now.
Okay so here she was first up to her ankles then her knees now up to her thighs and still
sinking.
Her self-hearing was in the car the beach was deserted except for her dog was romping
around happily like god damn idiot no one to savor or help out.
And then this thing happened Kendra says she's somebody who usually has a hard time expressing
it when she's angry.
She's somebody who cries rather than yells.
And now is way from pure rage shot through her rage and outrage just erupting.
I was so pissed like you know what like I can't freaking believe like this is how my
day is gonna go like kick me while I'm down like I was like oh hell no you are not gonna
ruin my day sand like I I have fought for this lovely spring day.
I am not going down.
And with that burst of Hulk like fury she moves into action she's like quick sand no problem
I will embrace the ridiculous off onus of the situation and I will make something happen
right now.
And she starts squirming around this way and that.
I started to lean backwards and at that point when I lean back I was still sinking
but I was hoping that I could sort of just wiggle out of my boots and that my boots would
be the sort of sacrificial lamb that I would just leave in the sand.
But I realized if I just leaned back and kind of shimmyed like like a drunk person getting
onto a bar stool.
I could lift my legs out of the sand little by little by little.
The only sort of impediment was that my dog was looking at me like this is a fun game.
I just don't know how to play it like she was just kind of darting around me watching
me move like this.
So then I was getting really frustrated with her as well.
She wriggled her way out on solid ground.
At that point she said she's completely covered in sand.
What sand in her hair all over her clothes.
She collects her dog, climbs in a car, drives home, cleans up.
A week or two passes and then one morning she wakes up and realizes she feels okay.
I remember so clearly sitting in bed and saying to my husband, oh my goodness, I think I'm
good.
I was filled with this content feeling that I can only describe as like the depression
fading.
I didn't feel any of the heaviness and I could only trace its disappearance to the quick
sand.
Kendra thinks it is something to do with the anger she tapped into when she was stuck
in the sand.
As somebody who can't always express her anger, she thinks letting herself get so furious
for once it flips something in her.
That's the moment she was able to embrace just how bad things had gotten and fight her
way out.
Today in our program we have other stories of people putting difficult, sometimes impossible
situations and the only way out is to put the arms around the badness, feel it for what
it is and then figure out some moves to wrestle the problem to the ground.
From WB Easy Chicago, it's this American life, I'm Ira Glass, stay with us.
That one, Haley Mary Pass.
It is the most magical week in American politics right now.
Yes it is.
I'm speaking to you right now during the eight days between the Iowa caucus and the New Hampshire
primary.
The way it works, the results in Iowa reset the political scores and possibilities,
reveal all the cards.
This week that we are in right now can be an enchanted eight days where underdogs tell
themselves that anything is possible, anything can happen.
No matter how unlikely it is to in fact happen and to witness this in person.
One of our producers, Zoe Chase, went to New Hampshire this week to hang out with two
people, two old friends who have chosen to embrace hope in the face of long and difficult
odds.
We know very well.
The Donald Trump will probably be the Republican nominee for president and they are not happy
about it, these guys are Democrats.
But they are embracing the likelihood of Donald Trump's rise with a giant bear hug and
they are trying to do something about it and they are making a last stand to try to stop
them this very week.
Basically what they are trying to do is they are trying to convince New Hampshire voters
to get real about their options in this historic moment and vote not for who they actually
want to be president but vote for the only person these guys believe can stop Donald
Trump from becoming the Republican nominee and that person is Nikki Haley.
That's right, these two Democrats are stumping day and night to elect a woman who stands
for so many things they personally hate.
Zoe caught up with them one day before this enchanted week began that is a day before
the Iowa caucus.
These guys aren't even from New Hampshire.
Their policy wonks from out of state outside agitators.
Once from DC and the others from New York they both work for do goodery international interest
type places they prefer not to name on the radio.
Robert Schwartz has been living in New Hampshire for three months.
He took a leave from his job, left his family, moved up here with his good friend Kenny, Ken
Sheffler, friends from college.
I met up with them at a brewery in Key New Hampshire and they are here this particular
afternoon because a politician is on stage.
Someone running in the Democratic primary which is happening even though Joe Biden decided
to skip New Hampshire this year.
The guy on stage Congressman Dean Phillips is making a random run for the presidency but
Robert and Ken are not paying attention to Dean Phillips.
They're here for the 40 or 50 voters in the room.
Robert is sort of irrepressible.
Says all his thoughts as he has them kind of thing and starts whispering to me as soon
as they get there.
It's because a lot of the people here I think they are a lot of people having really made
up everything together so it's good for us to be here and just talk to them because
it is a lot of people that are undeclared voters.
The way it works in New Hampshire independent voters can vote in either primary, Democrat
or Republican and there's a ton of people like that.
Something like 40% of the electorate.
In this year with Joe Biden skipping New Hampshire Robert and Ken's mission is more plausible.
All these people who probably would have voted for Biden are free agents.
Robert and Ken are here to pick off some of those people.
Democratic leaning independent voters who might be willing to vote for Nikki Haley as a
way to stop Trump.
As soon as the event ends Robert walks up to a random voter he doesn't know anything about
who someone all bundled up in a blue park to see if he can convince her to cast a vote
against everything she just heard on stage and throw in with the Republican primary instead.
He has a very slow roll up.
It's just what brings you, I'm just curious what brings you to this event.
Well I want to see a change in the presidency.
I don't like either one of them.
The Biden is too old and I don't certainly don't want Donald Trump.
You don't, and do you, are you a registered Democrat or undeclared?
I'm independent purposely.
Boom, he's found his target.
Independent voter leans to the left.
You think he'd make his pitch, but he's learned this kind of voter doesn't like it when
you open with a hard sell on Nikki Haley because they don't like Nikki Haley.
And he doesn't like Haley either, but he has to sell her on Haley.
So it's kind of a weird conversation.
A lot of gymnastics.
Okay, so how are you thinking like, are you thinking you're definitely going to vote
in the Democratic primary?
Are you thinking about maybe voting against Trump and the Republican Party?
I'm voting against Trump.
Right, so have you thought, even though Nikki Haley is a little bit like she's got some
rough positions on abortion and climate change and all that stuff, have you thought about
voting?
Of course, I'm not a Nikki Haley supporter.
I'm a left of center principle, but have you thought about voting?
Well, she was the next best candidate until I came here to listen to Dean.
Oh, so I'm thinking more positively with Dean.
Oh, yes.
He said, so I really like what Dean has to say.
Here's my, here's, I respect Dean.
And if you don't like Biden, I get that that gives you an option, but what I think.
I just feel he's just too old right now.
But if you're my thinking is if you're concerned about like the threat that Trump brings to
our democracy, it's even though I like Dean more than I like Nikki Haley, I think she's
a better vote because he's asking you to damage Biden and with a vote for Haley, you're
damaging Trump.
And so why vote?
Why if you're an undeclared voter, you should and you hate Trump and think he's the biggest
threat to the country.
We need to get, we need to embarrass Trump here.
We need to show Trump using that's a very long hunter circling around some prey to kill
and you're not sure if you took a shot or not, but he thinks this is the best way to talk
about Nikki Haley.
He has this cautious approach partially because of this thing people keep saying around
you all the time.
New Hampshire voters have to make up their own mind.
Don't pressure me.
So it can be hard to tell how he's actually doing with this crowd, even though this woman
says the most important thing to her is to stop Trump.
But you still don't know what the right path is.
That's right.
I don't know.
My pitch, my pitch would be if you want.
Well, country feels that way.
We just don't know.
My pitch, I mean I come from Maryland and it's your decision not mine, but my pitch would
be if you want to stop Trump, you got to vote against the guy, even if it's for somebody
you don't like.
And with that, the voter has to go.
We move on.
This strategy, getting people to hate vote for Nikki Haley.
There's a word some people use for this kind of thing, technical term and politics, for
sneaking around and doing dirty tricks inside the other party's election.
Here's Ken.
Someone tweeted that this is the most organized rap fucking operation about time.
Are you familiar with that term?
Yes, are you?
About you guys.
Yeah, yeah.
But we don't see ourselves as rap fuckers.
Did you feel the compliment?
I believe it was a compliment.
Yeah, yeah.
I think it is.
So, what do you expect?
I know this.
This whole quest of Robert and Ken's began one night last summer.
They met up in DC and got into the subject of how they think Trump is an existential threat
to democracy.
And can we get off the road to autocracy?
And Ken was like, you know, you have done stuff in the past to help other countries in
this situation.
Maybe we should actually do something.
Ken, I think, given his kind of consulting background, was like, let's do a brainstorm.
And this is how you do a brainstorm.
Yeah, rather like real desires.
Yeah, well, can I tell her about your other idea that we can?
Ken has some really good ideas and some not-so-really-good ideas.
And so the other idea he tried to pitch me on that weekend was that the National Football
League is too dangerous.
And so we need to have a-
We have a last half of America.
It's fine.
So we have, let's create a seven on seven football league that is more safe.
Robert told him that was ridiculous.
And here's the sort of person Ken is.
And then he pulls out a PowerPoint showing his idea of first seven football league.
And I was like, and I was like, this is giving me serious doubts that we should proceed along
this front.
But he still actually believes it's a good idea.
So anyway, after they got this idea for defeating Trump, they went out and raised money.
And they say they raised $20,000 on their own.
And then they got this big chunk of $650,000 from donors who wished to remain anonymous.
And that's real money.
Back at having an impact on a small but mighty election like this one.
With that money, they bought targeted voter lists of undeclared left-leaning voters.
That they regularly message and send mailers out to.
Mailers and messages that Ken has gotten focus grouped and tested with professionals.
They got a lucky break when Nikki Haley started to pull within 10 points of Donald Trump
and New Hampshire.
And so right at this moment, going into the Iowa caucus, their hope is, she'd come in
second in Iowa.
That would give her the momentum to win New Hampshire outright, beat Trump, which would
make her credible in South Carolina and beyond that.
They even hired two people in South Carolina in case they have a shot there.
We always saw this as high risk, high reward.
Like, if you look at the polls, it has always looked like Trump will win the nomination.
But if there's a 5% chance of stopping potential dictator, like it's worth putting a lot
of effort into that.
Yeah, for that 5% chance that, like, Haley shocks Trump here.
And there's an alternative in the republic, like it's worth it for our democracy.
Robert is really emotionally invested in this idea that maybe they, these two college
friends, could actually do something to stop Donald Trump.
He's intense about his work always.
It's overly invested, it seems.
That is day job he was waking up having panic attacks about that work on top of this work.
I was like, is this work helping?
No, this is not extremely healthy either.
I tied myself into my career.
And then rather than seek balance and view myself as a father and a brother and a son.
And instead of that, I have now identified myself as a part of this, like, mission.
And I'm wrapped up in that and my whole self-worth is going to be determined on January 23rd.
And that's not healthy at all.
So I'm really worried from a mental health and all that perspective of, like, what happens
after January 23rd or what happens after the election in November.
Like, at some point, there's going to be like a reckoning.
And I'm really afraid of that, to be honest.
Robert's not alone, of course.
They're not the only anti-Trump group trying to sway undeclared voters.
And they're not big players, but they're real players.
Still, they can go from sophisticated to bumbling very quickly.
Like when we found ourselves screeching around Manchester in a car on a way to an MLK
day celebration, late.
As usual, they were glomming on to someone else's event, hoping to meet people who know
more people who might carry their message out to other New Hampshireans.
They volunteered to bring the coffee and the drinks.
Their friend, Roy Cess, was supposed to do it.
But he stuck at UPS printing up flyers with a QR code.
The event has already started.
Robert's freaking out.
So we're right by there.
We're right by there.
So we're going to stop there.
You get to the, you get to the event and do damage control.
Please, they're upset with us.
Okay.
Get to the event.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
Robert thinks of himself as responsible.
And when he's not seen that way, he kills him.
Because we're going to be five minutes, ten minutes late to an MLK event.
It's just Sinclair saying something.
How's your shame spiral?
Shame spiral is not in a good place right now.
When they get there, Robert jumps out with three boxes of coffee, two huge bags of
creamers, he's running around in the cold, can't even find the door.
Can you call Roy Cess and ask how to get in the freaking building?
Why don't they have signs?
Thank you.
Roy Cess, answer the phone.
Did he not pick up?
Just really frustrating.
Once they're in, it's apologies and taping their QR code flyers onto Dunkin' Donuts boxes.
When Robert works the line of people, tabling for various social justices he causes, mostly
white activists, New Hampshire is mostly white, Ken and Robert are white.
And I get to witness just how tired people are of this kind of pitch.
This is the third anybody but Trump election.
You know what I mean?
He talks with Deb Opermala, who's black.
Trump is not sophisticated enough to hide his white supremacy.
Right, and Nikki Haley is more sophisticated at it.
She's more and the third thing is, she's a brown woman.
Right.
Wifting up white supremacy.
So she's just a more sophisticated Trump.
Well, but she also condemned, she said January 6th was a terrible day.
She doesn't call her military veteran suckers and losers.
She has, like, would she launch a coup against our country?
But she would pardon Trump.
Well, would you rather, like, would you rather vote for the criminal or the one who
pardons the criminal?
I would prefer not to vote for either.
Well, so he's, so here's, right, I get that.
But then who are you only have one vote in the primaries?
And so the question is like, where can you, yes, you'd prefer not to vote for either?
But then, but then are you just throwing away your vote and letting Trump win?
I saw this move a few times from Robert, talking about people's vote, like it was a commodity,
like it was just a piece of currency that you could spend at this store or that store.
And you just needed to squeeze the most value out of it that you could.
That's a hard sell in New Hampshire.
And it doesn't always seem so tuned in to how people might be thinking about their
vote as theirs.
Something between a personal statement and a moral obligation.
And here's the problem with what you're saying to me is throwing away my vote, right?
Is that Nikki Haley has yet really to address any ball?
She has not gone out of her way.
So I win, the racism question came up in a very, actually simple question to answer.
Shoran.
She gave her horrible, she gave her horrible answer.
No, Shoran.
My vote is sacred.
Am I going to spend it on her?
No.
Well, there's one person who will tell you what they're doing or what they're not doing.
The Iowa carcasses were that night, Monday.
We watched early returns in a bar.
Again, Robert was really rooting for Nikki Haley to come in second after Trump.
Turn the primaries into a two person race.
That's not what happened.
She came in third just behind a Santis and well behind Trump.
It's a huge setback and Robert's upset.
Things feel like they're starting to slip away and he spends the rest of the night scrolling
and ingrally tweeting.
The next day, they have to regroup.
The text messages they've been planning to send to the 80,000 voters they're targeting
were built around Nikki Haley doing better in Iowa.
Now they have to reframe things to make Iowa seem less important.
Ken suggests a stock photo of a guy scratching his head with the words, does anyone actually
know what a caucus is?
New Hampshire picks presidents.
Robert points out that he's butchering a famous New Hampshire saying and they're both
so stressed out.
Here's how that conversation goes down.
The line that everyone here recognizes, the political line that shows we're plugged into
New Hampshire is that line.
Iowa picks for New Hampshire picks presidents.
That's not this New Hampshire picks presidents.
So yeah, but you're changing Iowa as a caucus who's ever heard of a caucus.
That's not a good line.
I'm sorry.
I don't like it.
It gets relatable.
It's the famous line.
It's Johnson News line.
There's a history of it.
People recognize it.
We.
Yeah, that's like a cliche here.
Yeah, so it's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
It's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
She's not.
No.
I just really want Donald Trump to please.
There are 343,192 undeclared voters in New Hampshire.
Robert and Ken had just a few more days left to catch some of them.
Tell them to vote against everything they care about.
And hold back for just a little longer.
What appears to be the inevitable course of history.
Zoe Chase is a producer on our show.
Coming up, a baby gets in trouble with the law.
That's in a minute.
I'm just going to go up a radio.
When our program continues.
Hi, I'm Wendy Dore.
I'm an editor with New York Times Audio.
For me, the magical thing about audio is how it can take you closer to somebody else's
life.
You feel like you're getting to know somebody that you might never normally meet.
And the New York Times Audio app is all about bringing those voices to you with new stories
to explore every day.
Download the New York Times Audio app at nytimes.com slash audio app.
You'll need a news subscription to listen.
To American Life, my regards.
Today's show, Embrace the Suck.
Apparently, that phrase started in the military and then moved into more general use.
Meaning, you should just own how bad it is.
Put your arms around it.
Hold a close to you.
That is the only way you're going to get through it.
Today, we have stories of people doing exactly that.
We have arrived at Act 2 of our program.
Act 2, the Dream Police.
It's hard getting a baby to go to sleep.
Everybody knows that.
And different parents get through it different ways.
Not long ago, one of our producers, Ike Srisk and Raja and his wife Emma, were struggling
with this with her son, Leroy.
One and a half years old, Leroy could say a few words and he was actually able to hold
an umbrella and crudely pull off a few of Jean Kelly's moves from singing in the rain
while it played.
I've seen a video of this.
It wasn't great, but it was amazing for somebody under two feet tall wearing a diaper.
They were just saying for all that accomplishment, Leroy was still not on a proper sleep schedule.
Until his parents embraced the awfulness of the situation they were in and invented something.
Here's Ike.
Leroy is the loudest guy I know.
I'm pretty soft-spoken, so he didn't get that from me.
One thing he did get, we both really prefer to be awake.
But Leroy takes it a little too far.
When he was about one, I tried to put him down for a nap in his crib.
He had bags under his eyes, his eyelids were heavy, and his head was doing that thing where
it balls and snaps back.
Then I saw him slap himself in the face to stay awake, like a long-haul trucker, fresh
out of five-hour energy.
And it's not just that he would fight sleep.
When he did go to sleep, sometimes he'd wake up in absolute terror.
But he needs to go to sleep.
We all must.
And we tried everything.
At five months, we tried sleep training.
It didn't take.
At one year, his soon-to-be-day care provider suggested the cry-it-out method,
which, depending on what type of parent you are, is either the most efficient way to sleep train
or the most barbaric.
When they cry, it's your job not to comfort them.
Don't go in, even if it sounds really bad, which it did.
We were a few weeks into this hellish ritual until one summer day.
Leroy was looking sleepy, and it was time to attempt the 1pm nap.
I carried him to his room, drew the curtains, turned down the lullabies,
gave him a fresh diaper, lowered him into his crib,
loved you, Leroy, see you after your nap, and closed the door.
The crying started immediately, and I turned on the timer.
For the next 40 minutes, M and I were clenched and approaching the upper threshold of our tolerance.
When she asked, can I pick him up?
Yes, please.
She went into his room, and then I heard our doorbell.
I went to answer, and on the other side, her two NYPD officers,
a man and woman.
The woman asked, is that your baby crying?
Yes, we're responding to a child endangerment call.
My mind was slowly grasping what was happening.
Leroy, the loudest guy I know, had been screaming so much that a neighbor called the cops on us.
They thought we were abusing Leroy.
We need to do a child welfare check, they said.
I know these checks can turn into investigations.
If you're poor, it can escalate fast, and even if you're not, it can be terrifying.
Does Leroy have a scratch or a bruise right now?
Are there piles of laundry lying around?
My adrenaline is pumping, and the voice in my head is telling me to say,
fuck you, slam the door, and run with Leroy out the back.
But don't listen to that voice.
We don't have a back door.
I steady myself.
You really don't need to do that.
My wife, she's feeding him right now.
He's busy.
The mail officer countered.
Either we go into his room, or you bring him to us.
We won't leave until we complete a visual inspection.
Okay.
I went to Leroy's room and told them the cops are here.
They need to see Leroy.
But I'm breastfeeding.
I told them that.
She brought Leroy to the door.
The woman officer asked,
are you making all that noise?
Leroy was calm in Emma's arms.
Emma said, sleep training.
It's hard.
The woman officer nodded.
She gave him a little half baby wave, and in a sweet voice, said,
okay, you need to go to sleep.
Before they went, I asked, hey, just out of curiosity.
Can you tell me which neighbor called you guys?
No.
Oh.
Okay, that makes sense.
I started to hate all the neighbors who lived within earshot
and didn't make eye contact.
Our sleep training experiment was over.
We were back to laying on the floor next to his crib
and trying to tip toe out of his room when the coast was clear.
Often it was not.
One night, Leroy passed the point in no return,
crying whether I was there or not.
And I got scared that the neighbor might call the cops again.
Then I heard a police siren going past our apartment,
and I thought, I can work with this.
Did you hear that?
Leroy stopped crying and listened.
The police man, he's driving by to check if you're going to sleep,
and you're crying so loud he can hear you.
Leroy asked,
what will he do?
Now, there are moments in life that feel like they define
what kind of parents you are.
Would I be the kind of morally bankrupt parent
that scares my child to sleep?
I looked sweetly, Roy, in his big beautiful brown eyes
and told him,
if the cops come back, they will take us away in different cars.
He curled up under his blanket and closed his eyes tight.
I looked at him and said,
those desires tight.
I left the room, shut the door behind me, held my breath, and waited.
Silence.
Incredible.
It worked.
And?
Oh God, what have I done?
I reported the news to Emma.
Oh no, she said, he must be so scared.
Do you think I should go tell him they aren't coming?
I don't know.
Okay.
Well, let's never talk about this again.
The next night, Leroy asked about the police man.
Is he coming back?
I said, yes.
And Leroy went to sleep.
Emma, I did it again.
Please don't tell me that.
Do you want me to stop?
I don't know.
I said, well, now you're complicit.
This became our new routine.
Warm bath, cold milk,
Emma would virtuosically perform all the voices in a stack of books.
Then I would take Leroy to bed in the threatened state violence.
And we'd all go to sleep.
After a while, it stopped working.
You got wise that the police weren't actually coming to our apartment every night.
And he started crying again when I would leave.
Now, I think it was Shakespeare who once wrote, and I'm paraphrasing here,
when you find yourself halfway in a river of blood,
either way you go, you got to go through half a river of blood.
And so I forged ahead.
One night when Leroy was crying,
I closed the door behind me, took a deep breath,
and banged down his bedroom door.
It's the police!
Go to sleep!
Just cancel me now.
And yeah, it worked.
We were living in an imaginary police state.
For what I'm sure child psychologists would agree was too long.
Then one night, Leroy asked me a question I didn't see coming.
Will the police man take my nightmares away?
Take his nightmares away.
Not him.
Somehow, in Leroy's cool, weird mind,
he figured out that if the police man was so scary,
he could also scare whatever was haunting his dreams.
I was stunned.
Of course I said,
he will take your nightmares,
he'll put them in the back of his squad car,
and take them to jail.
Leroy had taken his fear,
and morphed it into something that could protect him.
I tried to teach Leroy how to sleep,
and pass along a healthy fear of the police.
He learned neither.
Leroy's three now.
Our bedtime routine is less violent.
I lay down next to him in his big kid bed until he's asleep.
The plan is to do this until he turns 18.
Okay, so what do we do at night?
Take our show-be-back
and put on your pajamas when you're done.
Pean the party,
loosen up and read the book and don't impede.
That's it?
Yeah.
It sounds easy.
You just go to bed?
No problem.
We just do all at once.
Oh, you forgot one thing?
What?
Yeah, I give a hug in a guess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I hug.
I hug.
Okay, that's a lick.
I just risk kind of Raja as a producer on our show.
Currently, I'm preventively with a new baby
who sleeps and wakes up well on his own schedule.
Act 3 notes on cycling.
So we end today's show with one last story.
I bet things coming apart and somebody who just accepts it.
And in fact, embraces it.
This comes from Bowen Wong.
He made this story as a student for a podcasting class he was taking.
He recorded his voice tracks into his iPhone.
I just say I really love Bowen's work whenever I've heard it
because I feel like he is inventing a way to make radio stories
that just have their own sort of feeling and sound.
Anyway, here he is.
Don't worry.
There's no point.
In the summer of 2015, I bought a bike from a guy in Craig's list.
The bike was $40.
So it was shitty.
So it suited me.
I met the guy outside his house, a woman who was possibly his wife,
hung around and made occasional interjections,
which he seemed experienced ignoring.
I asked if I could try the bike before I bought it.
Let's see the money first, he said.
His words were kind of slurred and his bounds was kind of wobbly.
His possible wife told him to cut me a break, which he ignored.
I just don't want you getting any ideas, he said.
So I gave him my backpack as a sort of security deposit.
Ronan's circle got off, gave him the money, got my backpack, and rode away.
It was downhill from there.
Like video games and birding in heroin, people who are into cycling are really into cycling.
As for me, I wasn't into anything.
I was living in state college, Pennsylvania, an attending Penn State.
I lived off campus, so in weekdays I rode to school, and on weekends I rode around aimlessly.
I was changing my major from engineering to English, but I still remember that
total mechanical energy is equal to the sum of kinetic and potential energy.
Now that I had no use for this information, I realized that it's actually quite useful,
that you have to take into account how fast you're going, as well as how much faster you can go.
The church I went to held monthly volunteer projects, usually at places far from campus.
I never went before, because I didn't know anyone who would give me a ride,
but now that I had a bike I signed up.
One month, we painted a guy's house.
His name was Tony, and he sat at the kitchen table and chained smoke as we painted the walls.
During a break, I chatted with him.
He told me he had bronchitis, and I avoided pointing out the obvious.
The next month, I cleaned out a dead woman's house.
She had died of cancer.
One of the volunteers there, Brian, said she lived alone and didn't have many friends.
Her kids didn't call, so she would call Brian at midnight, and she wouldn't stop talking until 4 in the morning.
He didn't seem to turn up about her death.
Brian told me he did IT for Penn State.
He went to school here in the 80s and stuck around for a few decades.
He was a only friend if you could call him that.
There's a video game called Gone Home, where you wander around your family's empty house.
It's dark and thundering outside, and you go from room to room, turning on the lights and looking at different objects.
Notes on the fridge, your sister's old journal, your mother's weekly salon receipt.
The stuff is scattered about seemingly at random, but it's actually arranged in such a way so that a story emerges about the people who lived there.
Her parents met and married and had kids, and then drifted apart.
Her dad made them a lester as a child.
Her sister fell in love and ran away.
The woman's house had no story, because life is not a story.
Life as boxes filled with yellowed magazines, empty printers, broken CRTs, stereotypes, couches, mattresses, chairs, sheets, lamps,
and mountain of material, with no throughline.
We started with the home office.
It overlooked a dumpster in the driveway, so we threw stuff out the window.
A girl from Germany helped me to finish straight.
She was a high schooler who threw some sort of exchange program interned at the church.
I asked her what sort of responsibilities a church intern had, and she either didn't understand the question or chose to ignore it, and I didn't press the issue.
The hard part was the furniture. Brian and I tackled the heavy stuff, the drawers, and dressers, and cabinets.
The dumpster was overflowing, so we had to break down the furniture before lifting it up and tipping it in.
I felt a childlike satisfaction, turning the detritus of the stranger's life into ever smaller bits of torn wood and pop nails.
Towards the end of the day, Brian and I moved two redwood bookshelves onto the lawn. We'd thrown out the books beforehand. He brought hammers.
Instructions for smashing a redwood bookshelf on a dead woman's lawn.
One. Stand back. Hold the hammer at your hip.
Two. Move forward at a moderate speed, somewhere between walking and running.
Three. Make a sweeping motion with your arm, lifting the hammer directly above your head. Four. Impact.
Repeat steps one through four until complete. Ignore the church intern looking at you.
At the end of the summer, I lost my best friend. Lost isn't the right word to use as it implies passivity on my part.
Broke up is closer, except that seems to only apply to romantic relationships. Pushed away my best friend, rejected her, something like that.
I spent the summer biking to her apartment downtown. I told her about the chain smoker and the dead woman and the weird scent of loneliness in their houses.
We cooked dinner, played board games, watched movies. We did the things we always did, except now I didn't want to do them.
I told her that I didn't like spending time with her, that I didn't like her, that I didn't want to be her friend, that it wasn't her fault but mine, that I didn't understand it either, that I continued doing the things I did, because I didn't know what else to do, and that therefore I should stop.
And therefore we should stop being friends.
It struck me even then as a pretty shitty explanation. Most of this came out in a conversation we had walking back to the house I was living at.
My bike going tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt tt
I sent her a two word response. Okay. Sure. Before the school year started, I saw her one more time. She told me that he didn't mean what I was doing.
That self-loathing was warping my thinking. That pushing her away seemed like the right thing to do now but wouldn't solve anything. In retrospect, it was my last chance. She folded a piece of paper into a five pointed star. She'd told me that she didn't mean what I was doing. That self-loathing was warping my thinking. That pushing her away seemed like the right thing to do now but wouldn't solve anything. In retrospect, it was my last chance. She folded a piece of paper into a five pointed star. She'd told me that she didn't mean what I was doing. That self-loathing was warping my thinking. That pushing her away seemed like the right thing to do now but wouldn't solve anything. In retrospect, it was my last chance. She folded a piece of paper into a five pointed star. She'd told me that she didn't mean what I was doing. That self-loathing was warping my thinking. That pushing her away seemed like the right thing to do now but wouldn
solve anything. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances, acquaintances, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances, acquaintances, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances, acquaintances, acquaintances, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, classmates, acquaintances,
and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family
friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends, and the church. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started
When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out,
they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family,
friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started
When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out,
they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family, friends. When they started out, they had their family,
The public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange
Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public
radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks to the public radio exchange. Thanks
I'm sorry I did that. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her
in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't
mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in. I didn't mean to put her in
to put her in. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe you haven't lost for doing it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe you haven't lost for doing it. I don't know. Maybe you haven't lost for doing it. I don't know. Maybe you haven't lost for doing it. I don't know. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe you haven't lost for doing it. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe you haven't lost for doing it. I don't know. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe you haven't lost for doing it. I don't know. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works out alright. Maybe it works
I could see her standing far back in the dark of the room. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out at me. I could only really see her white face still looking out
at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out
at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out
at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out
at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out
at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out
at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out
at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out
at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out at me. I could only see her white face still looking out
