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I feel insecure all the time, all the time, probably every day.
Right now, I feel a little bit insecure.
It can also affect our careers, our relationships, our work, our day -to -day life, our relationship with our parents, like everything.
Okay, you show up and I'm like, okay, how do I stand?
Like should I lean on one hip?
Should I lean on the other?
Where do I put my hands?
Do I put on my hip?
Do I put it in my pocket?
Should I cross it? Should I hold something?
You have so many more opportunities to grow and gain when you put yourself out there.
As scary as it is, even though you will fail, you're gonna fail no matter what.
There are things that you try that you won't be good at, but you always gain from these quote failures.
The only time I don't feel insecure is when I'm sure about something, right?
Like you're... How often are you sure about something?
Not very often, unfortunately Hello and welcome back to voice hugs a podcast on becoming your best self and embracing all Seasons of Life with open arms. This is your host Viv and Ro!
Hi, everyone. Hello.
Hello. Okay, so today, we want to talk about something that's - that makes me nervous just talking about - My palms are already sweaty.
Yeah, I think both of us have shortness of breath and already both sweating.
Broadly, we will be talking about insecurities, but we have a few specific stories you want to share.
One of them, like a big one actually, won't be about social anxiety.
You know I think like insecurities when we think about it, it's a pretty general term, many things fall under it of course there's like the body image aspect, the way that you show up, how others perceive you, judgments, fears, I feel like all of that, all the best things in life ties into insecurities, as Viv and I were preparing of like how do we, like, how do we approach this topic?
We're like, okay, what about like, insecurity defined as moments that make you feel small, or moments that make you shrivel into yourself.
And so where are we we're going to be diving deep into this today.
Mm hmm. I feel like I feel insecure.
I feel like I feel insecure.
Yeah, no, I feel like I feel insecure all the time.
And I like how you described feeling small because I think part of what I strive to be and become or like just feel better about myself is to not feel small.
And so like everywhere you go, there's always an opportunity for these insecure feelings to come up.
And I think another interesting thing that we'll touch upon as well is how it's shown up over our lifespan and how we've grown from some aspects of it and like just don't care about some things we used to be insecure about, but how there are also other types of insecurities that kind of stayed with us that we need to continually manage and be mindful of and work through.
All right. So let's start with an insecurity story, Ro.
Would you like to go first for today's episode?
I think a fun one that just came to mind is as we're just saying, before things that used to bother me so much and make me literally cringe and crumble into myself is like things that pertain to my mom.
So love my mom. Dear woman.
She probably doesn't listen to this podcast, which is fine.
My mom is a very open, outgoing social person.
Very social. Yeah, she's not bubbly, but she just like, fearless and talking to strangers.
fearless and asking for what she wants.
And she has what James and I call like like she has a riz of her own.
It's like the Asian parent Riz that they just like know how to talk to you and like that they'll know what to say and like what you want to hear but then this isn't in like a manipulative or whatever way right like they just say what comes to mind and there's the positives which is sometimes they'll say positive things and you just feel so good about yourself and sometimes they'll say not so positive things like when growing up right my middle school best friends will come over and she'll just be like, Oh, so and so you gain weight.
And I'm like, Mom, you can't see that she's like, what I'm just Yeah, you you you look like you gain weight.
You know, like little things like that.
Yeah. She's like very matter of fact, yeah, the way that she speaks.
So very direct and blunt.
Yes. And just very unapologetically herself.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So there's like, again, good that comes from it, but there's also like things that bother a daughter who like watches her in action a lot of times.
So like little things like, you know, we would go to a restaurant and she'll just ask like so many questions or she'll just like, I don't even remember what she says anymore, but I'll just be like, mom, stop asking questions.
We're visiting New York for the first time, we're trying to get from point A to point B, Google Maps existed at this point.
I know how to use it but she just would not trust me and she would stop every couple of minutes, okay, every few steps to ask strangers and you know, people in New York, I lived in New York, people in New York, it's not that they're not nice but everyone's just like, going places, right?
So she's like, oh, excuse me, can you, how do I get to the, I'm like, ma 'am, stop bothering people, I literally have the map.
like she doesn't trust me.
So anyway, the story that I'm getting to, is Asian mothers, and sometimes fathers, have zero disregard for either bowel movements or like gastronomical whatever that comes out of their mouths, right.
So like, whether it's sneezing, whether it's burping or farting, like they just don't really I think they don't really care.
They don't really mind.
I like didn't understand it when I was younger.
And so my mom and I you know, we go to public restaurants, Like we both have to go to the bathroom and she would just be burping or like if she needs to fart, she'll be farting.
And as a kid, when you go somewhere in public with other human beings and you're already so insecure about so many things about yourself and how the world perceives you or may or may not perceive you and for someone you show up with to just fart in public like that, And I'm just like, I would like my skin would crawl, and I'm just like, oh my God, I don't know you.
I don't know this person.
I'd be like, Mom, that's so embarrassing.
I am, okay, I'm just thinking about this right now as you're sharing this story.
I feel insecure farting, even in front of my friends, but I'm also thinking at the same time, like, why do we feel insecure about this?
It's a natural thing.
And then - I'm like laughing too because I'm like, oh, our voice songs episode is starting with this topic and it's just so not like other episodes, but it's so funny.
I totally relate because even in relationships, right?
When you first start dating someone, even for me right now, every time I need to fart, I always walk into another room.
And my partner, every time he uses the restroom to go number two, he'll come out and I'll explicitly just tried to embarrass him by being like, did you just poop?
Oh, did you just spend 30 minutes pooping on the toilet?
And he was like, what?
No, no I didn't. But I don't know why we feel insecure about this.
It's very interesting.
It is, cause it's a normal thing, like your body is doing a normal thing.
So real quick on that topic, with my significant other, we all know who he is.
But he is IBS, It's like irritable bowel syndrome.
So I knew this like really early on into dating.
So one thing that I did purposely when we first started dating was I started farting in front of him first. And like, I would go to the bathroom and like not close the door to like normalize things.
Cause I didn't want him to like feel like he had to tip -toe around me.
So then you know how it's kind of like vulnerability or like when you kind of shine light on it or when you're the first one to kind of like, set the culture for farting in their relationship or whatever.
So, this is, like, the first time he visited New York, I was just like, I'm gonna go poop.
And he's like, okay.
I obviously didn't tell him this is why I was doing it.
Or it's like, I'll just be like, I need to fart.
And he'll be like, okay, and then I'll just fart.
And I think that...
Because I think I was thinking about him, it made it more normal for me to not be insecure about it, right?
It's like kind of doing things for someone else rather than like, oh I need to be the perfect girlfriend, and like I don't fart, I don't poop, that was like me and my previous relationships.
That's still me. Yeah, like when I, it got to the point where like when I would fart, I would get tissue paper and try to, like try to, yeah!
To diffuse your farts so they don't hear it.
What? That's it. It works though.
This is a new technique I've never heard of.
It's like, sometimes you know it's going to be a really, really loud part.
I am so dead. You can get tissue paper and just hold it up to your bottle and just let it out, and then it'll diffuse it.
Okay. So is it ever at a party or sometimes?
Okay, this actually happened very recently.
I was at my friend's house for dinner.
And then just sometimes the bathrooms are very inconveniently placed in like so close to the living room so that like you just feel like everyone can hear you.
So just sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.
Or like sometimes if you have to fart or like if you have to poop, just put toilet paper in the toilet first so it doesn't like flop.
I've heard of that one.
I've noticed at work, there is one restroom on the bottom floor and in the bottom floor, there's like no offices there.
It's just restrooms in a walkway.
And every time I go in that restroom, it smells so bad because I think everyone goes to that restroom to poop.
So I think it's a common thing.
It's a human experience.
It's something that we all go through.
We all feel insecure about for some reason.
kind of wrap up the story with my mom more recently now that I'm soon to become a mom and I'm pregnant and you just have to go to the bathroom a lot more.
Your gastro whatever system bowel movement it's just like all different and out of whack.
Sometimes you're super gassy sometimes you know you just can't even poop or whatever so now it's like if I if I go into a public restroom and I sit down and like a fart comes out like I'm not I'm it just come out.
I'll just let it come out.
And then it'll be like, bop, and then everyone won't hear it.
But then I'm like, it's fine.
It's better to let it out than to hold it in or to like do like to have it be like stuck.
Uh huh. You know, like to have that air be stuck because there's so many other things that you're worrying about.
When I really kind of like break it down.
It's also like I'm never going to see any of these people ever again for the rest of my life.
Yeah, but the worst that could happen is like someone in a stall or two next to me walks out and tells their boyfriend like, oh my god, can you believe what happened this girl next to me was just partying up a storm and then what and then they'll they'll be like oh wow interesting that's kind of gross and they'll just move on with their life yeah i think at least from that little story there's just like so many moments for insecurities but i think it's nice like when that actually happened like when i actually farted in a public restroom and like I didn't care I was like oh wow did it feel free
yeah I was like I've come a long way like compared to when I was twelve versus 22 versus 32 you're just like whatever and now I'm like oh wait I understand my mom now like I empathize with her now like she has so much going on that like she could care less and like I kind of love that I strive to be like that one day I strive to be able to go number two at the restroom in my office closest to my office.
Because to this day, I still find a random restroom to use the restroom so that my coworkers aren't right next to me if I happen to be in the restroom.
But yeah, I think maybe in a public space I would feel a little bit more comfortable.
I love that example though, because it's such a funny example and literally I think everyone can relate to it.
Yeah. Oh, one other thing I wanted to mention.
Ro literally has the loudest burps I have ever heard in my life.
And I hope that one day she can show us on the podcast. It was actually insane the first time you burped in front of me.
And farted too. Yeah, I still remember.
I'm very open with farting and burping in front of my family and my cousins because I think I grew up with a bunch of boys and we're drinking boba so there's boba in my mouth right now, I'll chew right after.
But, I think because I grew up with a bunch of boys, I learned how to burp from them and I would fart because they would just fart.
But I think as you get older you realize that society does not reward that type of behavior.
So in front of my girlfriends, it's like, it doesn't warrant me doing that, but like I wouldn't mind.
I'm honored that I get that version.
You know, not at all.
Yeah, I just I wouldn't.
It would just be random if I'm like, like, I just burp in front of like other girlfriends.
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And what about you Viv?
What is something that comes front of mind when it comes to insecurities before we move on to one thing that we both struggle with till this day which is social anxiety?
Okay, I feel insecure all the time.
All the time, probably every day.
Right now I feel a bit insecure, but as I was on my way here I was thinking about, I I have some friends who are really affectionate in public.
They'll link arms with me.
I remember there was one friend, we finished eating dinner and we were walking through downtown LA and it was a little bit chilly out and as we're walking, she just like linked arms with me and at first, I was kind of caught off guard because I'm just not like that but it actually felt really nice to feel like someone felt close to me enough to do that And so earlier this year actually, I was out with a couple of my friends and I just was having a really good time with everyone.
And I wanted to, there was, I don't even know why, I feel like it's like you're talking about this.
But I basically wanted to grab her hand and just like hold her hand, but I've never done it before.
So I was like, you know what?
No, I can't do that.
That's like too weird. Like, what if it makes her feel weird I was like, I feel weird after so, I was like, I'll forget it, nevermind.
And then so, Wait, what's the setting?
The setting was at Coachella.
Oh! So, you know, like when you're at a music festival, like you're walking through crowds and so friends will always hold my hands as they go through, but I will almost never grab someone's hand.
Aw. Unless, like I will never reach out to be like.
Unless they like reach back or something.
Yeah, yeah. So I was gonna reach her hand because I just, I was having such a great time with her and I felt closer to her and I couldn't do it.
I felt insecure about it.
So then later on I go home and this was after the event.
I tell my boyfriend this story.
I was like, yeah, I really like her.
And I tried to hold her hand, but I just couldn't do it.
There was then another time where he's hanging out with her and our other friends and he goes up to her and he says, I was like by the way, Viv really loves you.
She thinks, she appreciates your, he basically just talks about how I love her and she's a good friend and that at Coachella I wanted to hold her hand but I couldn't do it.
So he tells my insecurity out to her and then I thought the funniest thing was she was like, oh, no, no, no, good thing she didn't hold my hand because I'm so insecure about how big my hands are.
So she was like if she held my hand I would've just removed her hand and had her like link my arms. But when he told me that story, I thought it was so funny because both of us felt insecure about something about that scenario.
And I'm just like, why are we like this?
She's like, don't hold my hand.
My hands are too big.
I'm like, I wanna hold my hand, but I'm too insecure to be affectionate because I'm not normally that way.
Aww. Yeah. That's so interesting.
yeah, just how everyone is thinking about all these different things and we're all insecure about Similar but also very different things.
Yeah, I was like, well, I wouldn't have guessed that she felt that way.
Yeah, right Yeah, so yeah insecurities are just it definitely sometimes stops you from Doing something so many right and I think like how freeing would it have been if I just grabbed her hand and she just was okay with it.
And the same thing with you.
Just like farting in public.
I mean, which you do, but these insecurities, we get stuck in our head and we're so afraid of what other people are going to think.
And it ends up holding you back from just doing and living in the moment.
Yeah. And I think it can also affect our careers, our relationships, our work, our day to day life, like our relationship with our parents like everything.
We may have talked about this in previous episodes where we mentioned insecurities, but I think fundamentally a big cousin or like it might be a twin, a big twin of insecurity is just fear, like fear of what people might think.
Fear of rejection, fear of judgment.
All those things kind of ties into one and we can probably all relate to your story of like, wanting to do something with a friend or even wanting to say something to a friend.
Right, does it matter if it's like, you wanna say a nice thing to someone or it's like you want to speak your truth to a friend in like the kindest way possible, but you just don't know how they're gonna respond.
So instead of saying something you end up saying nothing.
I can actually think of so many of those instances where it's like, I'm always thinking about, Like I want to say something to a friend, but then I'm like, oh, but like, are we close enough?
Like do I, like do I want to call her a bestie first?
Like we haven't really defined our relationship in that way.
Like, what if I call her a bestie and she's like, girl, what are you talking about?
Like, we're not even good friends, you know?
Like, you just don't, you know, yeah.
I think that was like the up until maybe even late 20s, like the early 30s.
It's it was like a thing.
What do you what do you call friends?
Sometimes yes, actually.
I totally relate to that calling someone a best friend.
It feels kind of like a rejection if they don't feel that way back.
Yeah, even if this person is your best friend?
Like the truth is like this person is your best friend.
But what if they don't call you that back?
Yeah. What does that mean?
Yeah. It makes you feel small.
And then it's like yeah, but like does it require a defining of because at least with like boyfriend girlfriend, it's like, okay Well, now, you know, there's like an official title.
Yeah with friends You're just like well, I've known you for so long or it's like well Well, I've known I know you so deeply even if we just met and it feels like we've known each other forever But can I call you my best friend?
Yeah, like I don't know That's kind of like how I feel towards this friend Like I love this friend but we're like newer friends in comparison to, you know, like when I'm thinking about you or like my high school friends, things like that.
But like, every time I hang out with her, I like have such a good time and we have such great conversations.
And so I was like, do I make the first move and hold her hand?
No, I can't, no, I can't.
The answer's yes. I was like, do I do that?
Yeah. So that was a funny insecurity story.
There's another one too.
This one was a little bit more recent.
I went to a wedding.
The night before their wedding they had an all -white attire party.
And I was feeling so frickin' insecure leading up to this event to kinda paint the picture.
I'm not super close to this group of friends so it was more like I was a plus one.
And so you know when you don't know the vibe of an event and I'm sure you feel this way when you go to, what are they called?
Like, creator influencer.
Creator, yeah it's like, what do I wear?
Do I wear casual, do I dress up?
That's what I was feeling for this all white party, which is ridiculous because the attires literally just wear white.
But in my head I was thinking like, oh, do I wear like a tight, midi dress?
What if all the girls wear something where it shows their midriff?
What if they're wearing like, kind of more like a clubbing attire where it's like a yacht party, Or it's a super classy...
super classy, exactly, super casual, like what materials should I wear?
There's so many different options.
Is silk too, like, there's like these really pretty just silk kind of material dresses, but I was like is that too formal?
What if everyone's wearing something really casual and I'm coming in wearing this like gown?
Do you feel my stress and insecurity seeping out?
I was literally losing sleep and it all ended up fine.
How did you end up resolving this in your mind?
See, this is actually finding peace because whenever I feel insecure, I have to talk to my friends It sucks, but this is just how I think I still deal with insecurities it's like finding the external validation to make me feel better and So I took a bunch of photos of myself wearing different types of outfits and I texted my friend who was not going to the party Which one do you think?
And so she chose an outfit for me, which I ended up wearing and it was like perfect.
But there was another girl I knew who was going to the party and I wasn't close to her, so I texted her to kind of gauge like, hey, these are the outfits I'm thinking about, what are you going to wear?
You know, like hoping that when she saw my outfit, she'd be like oh yeah, pick this one, it'll look good.
Her response, which is a great response, Is which everyone makes you feel the most comfortable You look amazing and all of the outfits and I was like, haha.
Okay. Yeah, but like Can you just heart one that I should wear, please?
Yes And then I did like I kind of texted again to get a response from her and it was the same thing it was like you're gonna look great in either and I was like I This is not helping I still feel insecure Did you end up bringing more than one outfit or just one outfit?
I ended up bringing more, yeah more than one.
I would've done the same.
Do you feel insecure when it comes to creator events with how you show up?
I guess for me it's always like close that makes me feel insecure.
I think for the most part with creator events if you've gone to enough, it's just like it really is data points, right?
It's like social gatherings.
Like when you first go to college and you first when you go to your first party it is very anxiety inducing Cause you're like, oh my God, what is the vibe here?
Or like, what is the vibe on this campus?
What are people wearing?
Like, is it super casual?
Is it not? Is it this?
Is it that? Like I don't want to be overdressed, but I also don't want to be under dressed.
Is it like a flip -flop situation or should I wear something nice?
Like, you just don't know.
But I think kind of like, I don't know, working out, whatever, like anything with repetition.
The more that you do something, the more that you're like, Oh, well, I went to my first one and it was a little embarrassing.
I showed up wearing the wrong thing, But then the second one like you just kind of see what other people are wearing.
So I think by now with I creator events the good thing about them is that it's like it's so diverse and Everyone will come in wearing different things and I think that is fine Unless a brand tells you like oh it's gonna be like a nicer dinner or like if you know, it's at a nicer venue You know, maybe just dress up a little bit.
But then no one's gonna be like, oh you're wearing jeans you know, because that's like the also New York versus LA, the way you dress is also very different.
If you show up in jeans in LA, it's like, you know, you're just everyone's in jeans like it's totally fine.
When it comes to these events.
What gets me more it's like the socializing and like the schmoozing and the talk like the networking the networking of it all.
I hate networks. Yes like the social anxiety that comes from going to events predominantly stems from like talking to other people or like having to make small talk.
I'll give an example.
Recently I went to a friend's birthday party and she is an amazing human who's like really good at making intros but that specific day she lost her voice.
She's person, you should meet this person.
And like they do this assist, they do this assist. So she's like, Oh my god, there's this person you should meet, come meet her.
I was like, Okay, I go and I'm like, hi.
So I was like they're like, hi, they introduced themselves to and then we just kind of stood there and I was like.
And then I think like, for me, it's like, it's hard to.
Like, I don't like talking about my like, you know how some people are just like, Oh, yeah, like, I do this, this, this.
And like, I'm so passionate about blah, blah, blah, blah.
I think for me, it's like, I would, I'm more passive, Like it's easier for someone like if someone were to come up to me and they kind of really know me Or like the content that create or whatever It's just like conversation will come a lot more naturally and Albion not a lot more natural because it's like I think at least they know a little bit about me But then it's like as I'm saying it's like a very passive way to live But like it's just easier right versus like cold intro even if it's warm intro It's like the first time you're meeting someone they don't really know what you do.
Like I don't really like shit Do like I'm not the type who needs to like, you know how some people some people are like, oh, yeah I went to this school even though you graduated like five ten years ago and then you're like This is what I do and like these are how many followers I have and like blah blah, you know Like I'm not that's not who I am Yeah I don't I don't like judge someone like when I meet someone I'm just meeting you right no matter if like if any of you listening to this come up to me like on the street and talk to me like I'll talk to you I don't care if what school you went to
like But like some people in the world that I'm in it's not that they care but it's like I think it adds to their Identity right really they identify with it Yeah, or it's like it's just a way to like get to know or I don't know I'm not talking about this specific example but it's just there are people out there who would judge you based off of your credit like your credit your your acolytes, achievements or lack of, and I think that is what, that's what's always bothered me about networking and why I've always felt like it was kind of icky, but at the same time, I know it's something you need
to do to move your world forward when it comes specifically to these things.
Viv and I both went to business school, we're both in a business fraternity together.
We were forced to go to so many of these networking events, meeting people from these accounting firms and these consulting firms and whatever, these mixers, the feeling I had then and the thoughts I had then, I still have them now.
They're like, okay, you show up.
I'm like, okay, how do I stand?
Like, should I lean on one hip?
Should I lean on the other?
Where do I put my hands?
So I put on my hip, Do I fit in my pocket?
Like, should I cross it?
Should I hold something?
I know, yes, yes, yes.
Like, it's always good to have, like, a drink in hand just so, like, you can keep your hand busy and then if it gets a little awkward, you just take a sip of whatever it is that you're holding onto and then, okay, like, do I look at them, do I not?
And then it's just, there's just so many things going on in your head at once that, like, it's hard to pay attention to what they're saying.
Yes, you're not even in the conversation anymore.
You're trying to think of, like, the next thing to ask or say.
I think when I feel social anxiety, I'm almost like always trying to get ahead of what they're going to say so that the next question comes and they don't ask me.
So I don't have to talk.
I realize, me and my cousins all realize we're really good at just asking people questions because we don't want to talk about ourselves.
So you're like, where are you from?
How are you blah blah blah?
How did you meet here?
Like, what do you think about this?
How do you feel about that?
Because the moment it gets swapped and like I have to talk, I just But you know what's interesting?
It's like how to win friends and influence people and like the textbook thing of what you should do is you should be the one asking questions because it makes the other person feel good But it's fascinating that for us or like for you and your cousins it comes from a place of like insecurities and not wanting to have them ask you things Rather than you trying to make them feel good.
Yeah, I think like insecurities at the end of the day It's like you have your truth, right?
there's something that is true about you, but you're afraid that if This part of you is revealed or shows up in the room that you're gonna get judgment and so I think especially in a networking setting where where you kind of have to talk about yourself, you're trying to build a quick connection with someone.
That is so, thinking about it right now, I'm like I never ever wanna be in another position again where I ever have to network and I don't think I ever have. I'm so bad at networking but I feel like in the context of a one -on -one, I'm really good.
It's just something about being plucked and placed into an environment, like the wedding, party, a networking event, or just going somewhere where you're not familiar with everything.
I think it's like, it's also, there's a lot of factors that we can't control, especially if you're in a group setting, it's like people come in and out, I just, oh, this thing came to mind where it's like, there's this, there's a circle of people talking ready, and then you like, know you have to go talk to that person, and so you just awkwardly kind of like shimmy your words way into the circle and into the conversation and make yourself known and I think like in social situations that's just more common, versus I think for both of us like one on one issues so much easier because you can really
like you can really get to know someone and they can also really get to know you because in some ways it feels a lot.
It's just it's more personal and it's more intimate.
Yeah. Maybe it's also because in like, like, let's say you decide to grab coffee with someone, there's already a level of commitment where there is an entry point and an exit point.
But I think like when it comes to an event or a network, like the circle that you were just describing, when do I enter the circle?
When do I leave the circle?
Is it awkward if I leave in the middle of this conversation?
Is it awkward if I turn to the person next to me and start talking to them privately?
There's just so much unknown.
And then also like mid conversation, what if the conversation just dies and you run out of questions to ask and you both just stand there awkwardly, which happens all the time.
You're like, oh, I'm gonna go - Location, The Lab.
Quentin only has 24 hours to sell his car, is that even possible?
He goes to Carvana .com.
What is this? A movie trailer?
He ignores the doubters, enters his license plate, wow, that's a great offer!
The car is sold, but will Carvana pick it up in time for - They'll literally pick it up tomorrow morning.
Done with the dramatically?
Car selling in record time.
Save you time. Go to Carvana .com and sell your car today.
Pickup fees may apply.
Go grab a drink. Yeah, I'm gonna head out.
I'm gonna go to the restroom.
See you later. So how do you, like in these situations, whether socially, whether in day to day life, or whether like in right now, because you just mentioned earlier, I'm feeling a little insecure right now too, how do you, how have you learned to identify and maybe even manage it?
I think the only time I don't feel insecure is when I'm sure about something, right?
Like, you're - How often are you sure about something?
Not very often, unfortunately.
But it's knowing that when I feel sure about something or when I feel confident about something, right?
And so, okay, let's say that I'm lacking confidence in what I'm wearing to this all white party.
It's kind of like you asked earlier did you bring more than one outfit?
It's like, okay, I'm feeling insecure instead of just picking one and then feeling anxious about it the whole time I'm gonna be a little bit more prepared by bringing two or like reaching out to friends and Them reassure me That's probably my go -to but it doesn't always work because even if your friends tell you something it's still like in my head like Oh, you're just my friends.
That's what you're telling nice.
Yeah, you're just being nice You're saying I look good in everything, but I you're probably like thinking about know that one's definitely the one you should be worrying You should not be worrying about one again but I think it always comes down to What's the worst thing that can happen right like if you fart in public?
You're never gonna see them again who cares right and you have more data points as you shared first time you fart in public You're like oh that wasn't too bad the second time you're like, oh, that really wasn't too bad But I think it's the same with the examples that I shared as well.
It's like, if I had just grabbed my friend's hand or tried something new.
Maybe that's what it is.
It's just being okay with being uncomfortable, doing something different that you haven't done before and obviously that's so much easier said than done.
You just never know if you don't try.
Yeah, no exactly. I think also there are ways to trick yourself to being more secure yeah I think especially when it comes to any speaking engagement that I have to do and I think that's that's what I meant earlier by I always feel slightly insecure or like a little bit nervous before filming or speaking in public and I think especially in my job to where I facilitate trainings something that I've learned to do is to trick myself into feeling more confident.
So what can make me feel confident?
If I have a good hair day, for example, my hair always makes me feel confident.
If I don't wash my hair and it's like really oily and grimy and I step out into the world, I don't feel good.
I immediately feel insecure no matter what I'm doing.
So it's things like that that you know will make you feel better.
When I conduct training, I always wear heels because wearing heels makes me feel bigger, right?
when you feel insecure, you feel really small.
And so I think like tricking myself or finding little ways to make myself feel more secure or bigger in the moment does help me kind of overcome that moment.
That's beautiful. And this is the the wonderful parts of growing up is that we find more of these, we have more of these tools in our toolkit that we can pull out and rely on and use to manage some of these insecurities that may unfortunately but also may be fortunately stay with us for the rest of our lives.
Because I think like an interesting thing that just came to mind, it's like, why do we get insecure?
Why do we care so much about what other people think?
And I remember I was either listening to a podcast or watching a real I don't know if we talked about this, but it was talking about like, why do humans want to seek so much approval.
It's because if you chase back to our ancestors back in like the tribal era, when you are born into like a tribe, you want everyone to accept you.
Because the moment you become an outcast, you will literally die.
Like you can't survive in the wilderness on your own.
So there's this innate instincts as humans to like want to belong and to want to be liked and to want to be loved because you want to feel a part of something that's and there's your literal security and livelihood is on the line, so I feel like it's, I mean, not that I feel, this feeling is completely normal, like the things that, everything we've been talking about and all of these desires and all of what our insecurities could be rooted from, it probably is a sense of you just wanna fit in and you just want to be liked and appreciated for who you are.
It's fascinating. that makes me think about the sense of belonging I think because we're also a little bit older and in our early 30s we've had longer friendships now and I've realized that I don't have this urge to go out and make friends the way that I used to I think in my younger years I wanted to go make friends right like you're in college and you want to go to these different organizations and these clubs in order to make new friends and when you find someone that you kind of connect with.
It's like you start thinking about how can I reach out and get closer, exactly.
And a part of me is kind of realizing, maybe this feeling of comfort in my current surroundings and in my friendships, I feel like I don't want to shake that.
So I don't even put myself out there in situations where I would meet new people.
Because like the Social anxiety that I feel now, it's really one off.
It's not like a constant thing anymore because our friendships have kind of been more developed or established.
Or it's like if you meet friends now, it's like friends of friends and you at least have one person who's taking you to this thing and then you can trust that they will do a good job of being there for you and so it's less ...
You just freak out a little less.
Mm -hmm. So I think that's also like a very different scenario than you going into something where you know no one and then it's like this big thing versus like a more intimate gathering of like a few people.
Maybe you don't know all of them, but you know one person really closely.
I think, yeah, it's different situations, but now that we are a little older, I feel like it's more like what I just described of like smaller groups, more intimate.
And so it's easier in those situations as well to get to know someone, rather than going to a big group thing and just being like, meh.
And then went there away.
What are some ways that you have tips and tricks?
Get pregnant if you can.
The answer is do you have a baby.
I'm kind of joking, but I'm also kind of not joking.
Viv and I were talking about this before of like, oh, she's like, do you even have insecurities?
Yeah. Do you feel insecure at all right now?
There's definitely insecurities around motherhood, and what this new life will be.
Because it's like the unknown.
But I feel like we've done enough work on ourselves over the years for me to be like, I think no matter what life throws at me, I'm confident that we will figure out away me on my own with James, like, we will have the support that we need.
And like, I'm okay in that way.
Like the farting thing, right?
It's such a specific small thing.
But I think that's just like an overall accepting and understanding of like, you just don't fret or you don't spend as much time mulling over the smaller, trivial things that did not seem smaller, trivial back then.
Like when it's happening.
Now that there's like actual it's like there's a life growing inside of you, you will have to take care of this life for the rest of your life.
And there's just something so permanent about that.
That did kind of scare me throughout.
Like sometimes I'm like, it's like you literally go through the whole rollercoaster of emotions of like, Oh my God, this is so exciting.
I'm going to be a mother.
Oh my God, I'm going to be a mother.
Like there's literally no way.
There's no way to pause.
There's it's just gonna, this baby is gonna come out and then life is just gonna keep going and the baby will just keep growing and growing and growing.
And did I mention we got a house?
I think we, I did mention we got a house, so we got a new house and we're gonna move in soon and as we like on the way to visiting that house, I just had this realization of like, oh, you know, it's not soon, but one day we would have to be doing drop offs and pickups every single day as someone who can be really disciplined but can also be very undisciplined.
I haven't ever done anything in my life for like more than half a year, like consistently consistently, you know?
And I think that was also something that kind of like, can I do it?
I don't know. Like this is a really big commitment and like I will, like I know I'll figure it out.
I know when it comes, like it won't be a thing.
But it's just like thoughts that won't, like these are the thoughts that come up now of, oh, like a lot is going to change.
Maybe it'll be fine.
Maybe it won't be, but we'll cross that bridge when it comes.
And I think it just goes back to, again, the farting story of like, there's just this like greater acceptance and peace that comes from life.
But I think if we want to, If we want to make this more helpful, for those who are pregnant and probably will not be for a while.
When it specifically comes to insecurities, I think, kind of like, as I mentioned a little earlier, when James and I first started dating, and I was like, I am going to intentionally set the culture of heartache and like being open about talking about bowel movements, just so that he won't ever feel like he would have to be like shy or like have shame around something that I know probability weighs on him.
So in these situations, I think, even though what I just said, was like, pretty simple, I think if we kind of break it down a little it's we're removing ourselves from our minds and our thoughts and are like, it's so easy to get stuck in our heads and like, listen to all the millions and millions of voices in our head.
If you guys haven't listened to her already, Viv has a really, really amazing solo episode on the voices in our heads.
So if we're able to take a step back and just not be in this constant incessant noise that we create for ourselves, I think that alone will take us very, very far in terms of just taking a step back and being like, But would it really matter if I do this thing?
If I don't do this thing?
If I hold the hand if I don't hold that?
Like if we just take a step back, and we're just like, what's the worst thing that can happen?
Maybe they'll take their hands back.
Maybe they'll like hook my arm instead.
Right? Okay, might as well just give it a try.
Right? I mean, that was a very specific example, just because you give that example.
But even in like social situations, right?
Just put yourself out there.
And this is me saying it to myself, like, what's, why are you so afraid of talking about yourself?
You know, like, you can't be like, Yeah, I graduated from a great school.
Yeah, I study business.
Yeah, this is how many subscribers I have involved, right?
Without sounding like obnoxious, like, there's a way to kind of do that.
Because I think the reason why you don't is because I'm like, Oh, I don't want to be like that person or like, I don't want to be like that girl who thinks accolades are important.
But when you take to step out because that doesn't matter you're just trying to get to know someone and if this can help open a little door and then you can find other interests to talk about as you share more about yourself then why not so really just getting out of our own heads and out of our own ways I think talking about insecurities with your friends is also really helpful because like I swear 10 out of 10 times if I'm like oh I feel insecure about this most of the time my will be like, oh my gosh, me too.
I feel that way too.
Or they'll just be able to say something where it's like, oh, but then like, have you thought about this?
It like sparks conversation.
Or they'll tell you, oh my God, Viv, I never took you as that person.
Like I always thought you were so like confident the way that you can just go up in front of all these managers and talk about all of like, and train them, you know, things like that.
They're like, we would have never thought that you felt insecure about this stuff.
And so, yeah, I think I'm actually not afraid to talk about insecurities.
I know for some people when they feel insecure, they don't wanna talk about it at all, and I think that's really tough.
And I understand that feeling too because the insecurity, I don't know, it could be rooted in shame or just embarrassment, and it's not fun talking about those things, but luckily for me, I guess, I don't have any problems telling any of my friends what I feel insecure about.
So that has been really helpful.
Like I feel like I tell you all the time what I feel insecure about it's like why don't you text me back?
Are you mad at me? Yeah, and I think talking about it is always helpful and then exactly as you shared trying something new I would actually love to visit that topic again, especially for the new year.
Maybe we can do it Soon in the next season Something like that.
Season three! Yeah, because I was listening to Michelle Yeoh in A Reel and she was talking about taking risks and how life is about new adventures and new opportunities and yes, there's always risks involved but she has never really been afraid of taking those risks and I don't know, I think that really spoke to me.
In some ways, the topic that we're talking about, it's like putting yourself in a new environment or putting yourself somewhere where it feels uncomfortable, something feels different, not familiar.
I want to do more of that, I just don't know how to get out of my head like you shared but I think it's helpful because it makes life a lot more fun.
You have so many more opportunities to grow and gain when you put yourself out there as scary as it is and even though you will fail, you're gonna fail no matter what, right?
Like, there are things that you try that you won't be good at, but you always gain from these quote failures, so like, you know, that quote, like, I don't know what the quote is, but something about failure is not really failure if you're really gaining something from it.
Yeah, so try something new.
Talk about your insecurities.
We would actually love to hear about anything you have been feeling insecure about lately.
do you resonate with the pooping and the farting in public?
Do you resonate with what to wear to an event or holding your friend's hands, showing affection?
Cause you're not usually that person.
We would love to know.
Yeah or do you shiver and quiver and just shrink into yourself in social situations?
Cause we do. Yay, still to this day.
Yeah. And we also encourage you to try one of the many things we talked about, whether it is talking to your friends about insecurities.
Actually I think that is such a beautiful, wonderful thing because so many times either with I think I'm also I can be pretty open with talking about insecurities, but it's like you hear one friend say something and you hear another friend say something.
And I'm just like, if you two just talked and like shared what you shared with me with each other like you would both gain so much. But like for whatever reason, I think it's the same thing with vulnerability, right?
Like if someone doesn't kind of plant the seed or open the door like no one will get deep in that way.
So if you were more shy in the past, you can try to talk about it if you're more reserved, you can try making the first move, not in like a weird Romantic sense it can even be in like a platonic sense or next time you catch yourself like being so in your head Just take a deep breath.
Take a step back like actually pause and just be like, okay What's like the worst thing that could happen?
Yeah and just go from there.
Yeah, we're on this together friends We really are and you know what everyone feels insecure like literally there's not a single person I know who doesn't feel insecure and if they say they don't feel insecure they're faking it or they're lying.
Maybe they're just genetically blessed and they don't think about these things.
That we can learn from them.
But I think everyone has feelings, everyone has insecurities, everyone is going through something.
Some people just may be better at hiding it than others.
But at the end of the day, we're all human and we're all wired, hardwired to want to love and be loved.
Yeah. and like to be accepted so if we can travel through life with that knowledge and mind it actually gives me peace and knowing that we're all human and we're all trying our best. Yeah love it alright.
So we would love to hear about your insecurities please share with us in the comments if you're watching on YouTube or you can comment on Spotify you can also DM us on Instagram voice hugs podcast also we would love to hear any topic suggestions or if you just want to say hello if anything resonated with you you can always email us helloatvoicetugspodcast .com as always sending you guys the biggest biggest hug wherever you in the world let us overcome one insecurity at a time Yay!
Voice hacks! We should go like this with our mics So cute!
Love ya! We're in this together Forever Bye!
