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Instead of panicking, you pause, take a breath and tell yourself, this is not a threat.
This is an opportunity.
The number one health and wellness podcast.
Jay Shetty. Jay Shetty.
The one, the only Jay Shetty.
Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
I am so glad that we're here together.
Thank you so much for tuning in and trusting me with the next 30 minutes to guide you from insecurity to confidence.
I'm sure there's so many of you this year that have so many dreams, so many goals, so many aspirations.
There are probably so many things that you want to achieve, learn, conquer, grow, master, or even just experience.
And the thing that's standing in your way is your doubt, your insecurity, your scarcity you might have the doubt i'm not good enough for that i'm not ready for that yet or you might have the insecurity i'm sure they'll give it to someone else i'm sure someone else will beat me to that job that promotion whatever
it may be or you may just have scarcity there's not enough for me and I'm not enough.
These feelings can make it harder for us to relate to people in our personal life, to connect with people at work, to actually thrive.
And often we see people who may not be as smart, who may not be as talented, but they're just confident.
Have you seen that before?
When you look at someone, you think, wait a minute, I know for a fact that I might actually know a little more than you.
I actually know that I work really, really hard.
But for some reason, you have confidence and I don't.
And you might see that all around you, where you look around and you think, wait a minute, how is it that you're moving ahead?
How is it that you made that happen?
And I find it's because some people are coming from a place of insecurity, which you can feel energetically from them, right?
Have you ever felt insecure internally and everyone in the room could sense that?
Or even if they couldn't, you felt they could.
And that made you less confident, less courageous, less brave, less bold in that room.
and at the same time we have people in our life where you can sense that our ideas are not taken as seriously because we come across as insecure we come across as doubtful whenever you share one of your ideas you'll say something like look this may not be the best idea right as soon as you've said that what's
everyone thinking oh well it may not be the best idea or maybe you say something like, look, I know this might be a stupid question.
Guess what? Now everyone thinks you're going to ask a stupid question.
And maybe people even reply to you by saying, look, there's no such thing as a stupid question, but now everyone's thinking it.
You were going to ask a really great question.
Chances are everyone in that room was thinking about the question you were going to ask.
But because of your precursor, you've now set people up to doubt you, to feel differently about you.
Maybe you say something like, look, I've been thinking about this.
I'm not sure, but I'm thinking about it.
Now, I'm not saying that you want to lie and say you're sure about something and it's the best idea ever.
But what if you let the thoughts, the analysis, the assessment of what you're about to share happen live and in real time before you give a disclaimer as soon as you've given the disclaimer you've put the doubt you've put the insecurity into other people's minds which came from you because you had an insecurity
about what you were going to say and chances are you were about to have a great idea chances are you were about to say something that's actually really helpful useful and something everyone needed to hear and i've seen this time and time again that when we add disclaimers when we add precursors we're
the ones who end up losing out because we're the ones planting the seed of doubt in our own idea.
So today, I want to give you seven steps that are going to help you grow from insecurity to confidence.
This isn't about faking it.
It's not about lying.
It's not about manipulating.
it's about having enough trust in yourself that the experience that you've garnered the experience you've lived in life the amount of meetings you've sat in the amount of conversations you've had I want you to learn to trust that you have a level of intelligence which grants you a seat at the table
you do not need to feel that you're crawling under the table you do not need to feel that you've been given a seat at the table you have a seat at the table because you've earned it.
You're in that room because you've earned it.
You're in that meeting because you've earned it.
You belong in that room.
There is a seat with your name on it for a reason.
But when you're the person yourself who's kind of sitting away from the table, putting the seat aside and acting as if you don't belong, it creates distance.
It creates a fracture in that communication.
So what if I told you the reason you're insecure isn't because you lack confidence, but because your brain is stuck in survival mode.
Insecurity isn't about being weak, it's your body's response to risk.
But here's the secret, you can retrain your brain to stop feeling threatened all the time.
I'm sure you're ready to learn how.
Let's dive in with step one.
Train your brain to stop seeing life as a threat.
We have to turn off our threat detection system.
See, in the past, it made sense.
Our brains are hardwired to protect us from danger.
This is part of an ancient survival mechanism.
When we feel insecure, it's often because our brain is perceiving a situation as a potential threat.
So we think that there's a lion in the bushes, there's a snake in the grass, there's a hunter coming from a nearby village, whatever it may be.
And here's the plot twist.
Your brain is often overreacting.
Your brain is overreacting.
There isn't a lion in the bush.
There isn't a snake in the grass.
So what we need to do is we need to learn to recognize how to rate threats.
And we have to learn how to rate threats when we're not in the threat.
What I mean by that is, if I ask you to rate a threat on a scale of zero to 10, when you're about to experience it, it will always feel like a 10, right?
In the moment that you stub your toe or trap your finger into a door hinge, right?
Even thought of that, you're like, that's a 10.
But let's be honest, it's not a 10 in the pains of life, right?
There's things that are far more painful than both of those.
But in the moment, you'd give it a 10.
So we have to rate things outside of the moment.
So let's look at rating, the idea of sharing something at work that you might think will be seen or perceived as a bad idea.
Let's rate it when we're not in that position.
what's the worst that could happen if you shared something and people didn't get it or didn't understand it maybe a three or four or five or maybe you're listening to me right now and going jay that's a nine for me right i'm so scared by that so now let's reframe instead of letting your brain trigger fear
in situations that don't actually put you at risk let's use mindfulness to recognize and reframe these reactions.
By simply observing the thought, I feel anxious because of this meeting or this conversation, you can activate your prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that controls rational thinking, and override the amygdala which controls the fight or flight response.
So let me give you an example, you're preparing for a meeting, your brain immediately starts firing off signals of danger, even though the meeting is not life -threatening.
And instead of panicking, you pause, take a breath and tell yourself, this is not a threat.
This is an opportunity.
You've trained your brain to stop seeing every challenge as a risk.
And now you can actually use that energy that's often wasted in threat management into growth management.
You can now actually switch from worrying about that moment to actually saying to yourself, well, now we can get ready.
Now we can actually get it right.
Now I can actually communicate in a way that will resonate with people where I'm not giving disclaimers and precursors and that we'll actually connect.
Try it out for me and let me know how it goes.
Tell me in your stories.
Tell me in the comment section on one of our Instagram posts.
Post about it. Let me know how that worked for you.
Stop and turn off that threat detection system.
Set a rating and be clear about it.
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The second thing I want you to learn to do is harness your unconscious competence.
There are four stages of learning.
Now, have you ever learned something new and felt you were horrible at it, only to get to a point where it becomes second nature?
That is the principle of unconscious competence.
You're more capable than you think, but it's hidden in plain sight.
The problem is we often don't acknowledge our progress.
So the first layer that we start at is called unconscious incompetence.
You're unaware of the things you're not even very good at, right?
We actually don't know our blind spots.
They're called blind spots for a reason.
There are lots of things that we don't know that we're good at.
But let's say we say to ourselves, you know what, this is the year I'm going to learn how to build good habits.
This is the year I'm going to develop a reading habit.
This is the year that I'm going to develop a meditation habit.
This is the year that I'm going to quit sugar.
This is the year that I'm going to work out every day.
Now you rise to something known as conscious incompetence.
You don't just go to developing that habit you actually have to live through the experience of being consciously incompetent what does that mean it means you're aware of your incompetence you're aware of the fact that you can't do something that you're not good at it you're aware of it now you tried
to build a habit at the start of this year and now you've realized you couldn't you tried to work out every day this year and you realized it wasn't that easy you tried to meditate every day this here and you struggled and this is a natural realization there is no one who has mastered this skill who hasn't
had to experience this there was a day you shifted from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence you went from being unaware to being aware and this is actually a really painful thing I want to acknowledge this this is a really painful thing because we want to go from not knowing something
to knowing it we don't want to go from not knowing something to knowing that we don't know it and that we're not good at it either it's actually a really hard stage and the majority of people will duck out at this point because they don't want to live with the rejection they don't want to live with the failure
they don't want to live with the pain of the realization that we don't know let's say you said hey i'm going to take on this extra task at work.
I'm going to learn project management.
I'm going to learn social media.
I'm going to learn about AI.
And then all of a sudden you start reading a book, you start reading a article, you start, you know, going through some sort of guide and you go, wow, I know nothing.
I know nothing. Now what happens when you stick it through, right?
When you push forward, and this is a really, really important thing.
When you push through, what happens is you get to conscious competence.
You keep working, you keep practicing, you keep developing, and now you know what it takes to perform well.
You know how much focus is required, how much discipline is required, how much energy is required, and all of a sudden you start to understand.
But you're dependent on a certain environment, a certain set of skills, a certain set parameters, boundaries to be able to perform at that level.
And then finally, you get to something known as unconscious competence.
This means you've become so good at it that it's second nature.
You don't even think about it.
You're not even aware of it.
So here's what I wanted you to do practically.
I want you to identify something you do well, but you don't actually recognized as a skill.
Maybe you're amazing at organizing, problem solving.
Maybe you're great at making people laugh.
Use that as your starting point for confidence.
Acknowledge that you already have skills at a deep level and that you're more skilled than your insecurities suggest.
Because what happens is when you go through this process, that's when you honor your skills skills that you have where you haven't gone through this process consciously that's the ones that you undervalue we undervalue skills that we have naturally and we overvalue skills that we don't have naturally
if you don't have a skill and someone else has it you think oh my god they're so talented it's a gift from god they must be amazing i could never be that i could never do that not true it's just that you haven't gone on that journey people look at you and feel the same thing, I promise you.
Even check in with your friends and say, what do you think I'm great at that I don't even acknowledge sometimes?
I'm sure they'll say something to you, right?
I'll give an example.
Let's say you've been feeling insecure about your career progress.
But remember, you've probably been successfully managing multiple projects or influencing others for years without even noticing it.
I want you to tap into that unconscious competence you already have, and then go on that journey from unconscious incompetence to conscious incompetence to conscious competence to unconscious competence with the skill that you want to develop and learn.
I promise you when you go through that journey, it will build so much strength and courage, but start with something you already have.
Step number three, I want you to face your fear of not being seen.
This is something known as the spotlight effect.
The spotlight effect tells us that we tend to believe others are scrutinizing us far more than they actually are.
It's a classic insecurity trigger.
Everyone is watching me fail, right?
We've all felt that.
Oh my gosh, I just tripped over.
Everyone saw that. Oh, I asked that silly question in the meeting.
Everyone saw that. Oh, my boss didn't quite get the project I handed and everyone saw that.
You know, I was late today.
Everyone saw that. The truth?
People are too focused on their own lives to scrutinize yours.
While you're worrying about how you're seen, everyone is worrying about how they're seen.
Every single person in that room is evaluating, critiquing, assessing themselves as they talk.
And yes, they might think about you for 10 % of the time, if that.
But for 90 % of the time, they are hyper -focused on themselves.
So the trick is to stop hyper -focusing on yourself.
Redirect your attention outward.
Rather than fixating on how you're being perceived, start paying attention to others.
Listen. Engage. Ask questions.
The more you make other people the focus of your attention, the less you feel trapped in the spotlight of self -doubt.
People think being confident means being interesting.
Sometimes the best way to feel confident is to be interested.
Be interested instead of trying to be interesting and you will be more confident.
Conversation will flow, natural questions will come up.
when you're trying to tell a funny story right let's talk about this you meet someone new you're out with friends and there's some new people at the table you haven't met you try to tell a funny story to come across relatable no one really laughs and now you're sitting there going oh my gosh they think
I'm a loser I'm not funny I didn't say anything relatable what do I say next guess what you've just not listened to them you've literally missed words that have come out of their mouth what they've said how they feel and now it's back to your turn and guess what you try and tell another story.
You try and say something else.
And maybe this time you try and make it meaningful.
And again, maybe get a reaction, maybe you don't.
And now you go back into self -analysis mode.
Okay, they didn't laugh at me.
They didn't think I was that meaningful.
Okay, maybe I should just, what should I do now?
Guess what? You've missed what they said again.
If you just listened, asked a question, maybe replied with a comment, build up some confidence, build up some trust, built up some reciprocal rapport.
And then you told that story.
Now you have so much more to go on.
I was at dinner the other night and I noticed how one person at the table just kept making it about themselves and everyone else would go quiet because the person was quite dominant.
And I could see that this conversation was just turning into them making it a therapy session for themselves.
And so acknowledging their feelings and empathetically responding to them, I would then open the question up and try and ask the person to my left a question the person opposite me the person to my right and what I found is that I also didn't want to be that person I didn't want to be the person who is directing
or driving the conversation to be around me I wanted to learn about everyone I wanted everyone to be a part of the conversation and I felt so confident doing that but if I would have just tried to be confident by making myself the central focus I'd actually be more scared I'd be more worried.
Take yourself out of the spotlight.
Put the spotlight onto others and you won't be as scared.
Step number four. Understand the power of sunk cost fallacy.
I remember studying economics and I remember this behavioral economics term called the sunk cost fallacy.
It's when we continue doing something because we've already invested time, money, or effort, even when it's clearly not serving us.
Insecurity often thrives when you feel like you've failed in some way and you can't back out now.
It traps you in the belief that you're stuck.
I'll give you a few examples.
Let's say you studied something at college and even though you hate it, even though you don't want to do your career in it, you don't like your job, you still keep doing it because you have sunk cost fallacy.
Maybe you invested in something a few years ago.
It's not going that well.
You're never going to see a return, but you keep investing in it because of sunk cost fallacy.
That's how it works.
Now, what you have to do in this scenario is recognize when you're holding onto a situation or mindset that no longer serves you just because of past investment, give yourself permission to walk away from anything that's draining your energy.
Whether it's a toxic relationship, a career that no longer excites you, or a self -image that's outdated.
I find that last one to be the most interesting.
Going away from a self -image that's outdated.
It's okay. Our insecurity stems from the fact we keep investing in things that we know don't work.
And in turn, that makes us less confident.
In turn, it makes us value ourselves less.
Because whatever we're doing is not growing in value.
You've been in your job for years.
And while it once felt like the perfect fit, it's no longer fulfilling.
But you stay because of all the years you've invested.
And that is what ruins your confidence.
It makes you more insecure.
It makes you more self -conscious.
It makes you more self -critical and judgmental.
Because things are not going well and you keep putting pressure on yourself.
So how do you change?
You recognize it's okay to invest differently.
It's okay to reallocate that time, that energy, that money, whatever it was.
Because guess what?
When you do that, you can reap another reward.
Step five, we have to reclaim our control with our locus of control.
Let me explain what that means.
Your locus of control is a concept in psychology that refers to whether you believe outcomes in your life are under your control or dictated by external forces.
Insecurity comes from feeling like you have no control or that everything depends on luck or others.
We say things like, yeah, if the universe wants, yeah, if my boss realizes it, yeah, if my partner gets there one day.
We're outsourcing, postponing, and post -dating our own life.
We're hoping, wishing, wanting, waiting for something to change without focusing on our own agency and the autonomy that we have.
Shift your mindset on what you can control.
What action can you switch?
What conversation can you have?
What attitude can you develop?
Stop waiting for others to validate your worth or success.
When you fully embrace that, you're in control.
Insecurity has nowhere to take root.
Insecurity takes root when we keep repeating things like, yeah, it's up to them.
If they feel like it, hopefully they'll change one day.
We're taking no responsibility and accountability in our own lives.
It's like saying, I'm going to sit in the passenger seat and I'll just go wherever the driver wants.
I won't give them any directions.
I won't suggest a drive.
I won't take control.
Let's just hope they go in the right direction.
Let me give you another example in real life.
Like you're feeling insecure about a relationship and what your partner thinks of you.
And instead of fixating on their behavior or approval, think about what you can control.
Your own boundaries.
Your self -respect. The more you focus on your agency, the less power insecurity has.
Now I have a couple more I want to share with you.
Number six is utilize the false consensus effect.
The false consensus effect is when we assume that everyone else thinks the way we do.
We think that our mistakes or quirks are glaringly obvious.
But the reality is other people don't notice as much as you think, right?
And we have a spot on our face and we think everyone sees it that day and the truth is no one can see it.
And we blow that out of proportion and we make it our identity.
When you feel insecure, realize that others aren't as focused on your flaws as you might believe.
and often you're the one amplifying your flaws so that people start to notice them more most people are so preoccupied with their own lives and they're scrutinizing themselves but when you start scrutinizing yourself publicly and I've heard people do this like oh you know I always hand in a bad project oh
you know I'm always late that's what starts to create that self -fulfilling prophecy and the judgment that people have so don't take that too seriously and stop repeating who you don't wanna be.
And the final step is to break free from imposter syndrome using cognitive dissonance.
Now, cognitive dissonance occurs when your actions conflict with your beliefs.
If you're succeeding in your career or relationships, but you still feel like a fraud, your brain experiences a disconnect, making you feel insecure.
How many of you have ever felt that?
No matter what you do, no matter what you achieve, you're always thinking, how am I here?
I don't deserve to be.
I know I felt that way before.
It's really hard. We struggle to celebrate our wins, but we find it so easy to criticize our losses.
We will quickly judge our mistakes, but we will very slowly celebrate our wins.
Please take your wins as importantly as your losses.
Don't overvalue failure and undervalue success.
Thank you so much for listening to today.
I'm so glad that you trusted me with your time.
And remember, insecurity isn't some personal flaw.
It's a byproduct of outdated mental patterns and learned behaviors that are keeping you stuck.
But the good news is, you can change all of that.
By understanding how your brain works, using advanced psychological theories like cognitive dissonance, sunk cost fallacy and the locus of control, you can take back control.
Embrace your unique strengths and walk confidently into the life you've always wanted.
Confidence is not something that comes easily to anyone.
It's something you build and you just started today.
Remember, I'm forever in your corner And I'm always rooting for you And I'm so grateful for your love and trust Thank you so much See you soon Thank you so much for listening to this conversation If you enjoyed it, you'll love my chat with Adam Grant On why discomfort is the key to growth And the strategies
for unlocking your hidden potential If you know you want to be more and achieve more this year Go check it out right now You set a goal today, you achieve it in six months, and then by the time it happens, it's almost a relief.
There's no sense of meaning and purpose.
You sort of expected it and you would have been disappointed if it didn't happen.
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