No one is bidding on it.
A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice.
Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie.
Did you see it?
It's rough.
Oh, that's cool.
It's only $800?
Yeah, and that's my bid.
You bid $800?
It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
I figured it would go for thousands, and I just wanted to be a part of it.
There's only 30 seconds left in the auction.
Do you have $800?
Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
Well, don't worry.
The way these things work is people wait until the last second of bid and then they swoop in and get it.
It's called sniping.
15 seconds.
Come on, snipers.
10, 9, 8... Where are your snipers?
5... Snipe.
4... Snipe.
3... Snipe.
2... Snipe!
1...
Congratulations.
You are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
You lucky duck.
I wonder why no one else bid.
This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
I know.
I understand why no one else bid.
I'm the great Howdini, and it's an honor to be auditioning at the Magic Castle.
Could I borrow your watch, sir?
Sure.
Thank you.
Ooh, Rolex.
Fancy.
I'll get it right back to you.
Observe one very expensive watch, one wooden mallet.
Do I dare?
I do.
Would you be amazed if your watch survived that pounding?
I think you would.
Behold!
You'll be happy I did.
Okay, little one, here we are back at home because you weren't quite ready to come out yet.
You wanted to make an entrance.
I get it.
And here's your daddy.
When he tries to tell you he used to be cool, you can see he wasn't.
All right, enough with the camera.
What?
This is not for me.
This is for the baby.
Someday she's going to want to see this.
I'm sorry.
Who's going to want to see this?
I said she, but lots of things are she.
Boats, cars, whales.
Da, she blows.
You're doing great.
Hi.
Okay, I'm going to sign off now.
This next part may contain some adult language.
How could you?
I made it this far without knowing, and you've ruined it.
Well, you guys have no idea how hard it is to know something like this and not say it was a girl and I didn't say it.
Roy!
You were supposed to keep that to yourself.
Oh, yeah.
I guess it is hard.
Can you identify our cricket?
Of course I can.
I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet.
Not that that's going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard.
And we're not talking Oxnard at the beach.
No, we're talking Oxnard in the onion fields.
Well, could you look at Toby?
Stupid name for a cricket.
Told you.
It's a field cricket.
Yes, wait.
Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
Young man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old.
You know what they used to call me in school?
Creepy Crawley.
Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
Let me show you something.
See that?
That's a Crawley's dung beetle.
I discovered it after spending six months slogging through the Bornean rainforests while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear bootcut jeans.
So when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank, because God knows I can't.
That tramp took me for everything.
Well, apparently I was wrong.
Is to mix it in the Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8000 kilonewtons of thrust.
Ooh.
Won't work.
Excuse me, but I've been working on this a long time.
Trust me, it'll work.
You don't see your mistake, do you?
There's no mistake.
This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.
Well, I've adjusted the formula.
Not correctly.
I've had it with you.
You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics.
And when it comes to applied physic... Uh, uh-oh.
What's happening?
A bad thing.
A very bad thing.
Get the door.
Get the door.
Get the door!
Get the door!
Get the door!
You're waiting for the elevator?
Oh, right.
Wait, it's here.
Give me that.
What'd you do that for?
I had plenty of time.
You're welcome.
This is an exact duplicate of the Wallowitz Zero Gravity Human Waste Disposal System as deployed on the International Space Station.
Don't you mean the Wallowitz Zero Gravity Human Waste Distribution System?
It's hilarious.
Here's an approximation of the spare parts available on the space station.
We gotta find a way, using nothing but this, to reinforce this, so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.
You mean so it doesn't hit the fan?
Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition.
Apparently there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop.
Houston International Space Station, we have a little situation up here.
We'd like to make an unscheduled spacewalk.
ISS Houston, which crew members would be involved in this EVA?
Houston, we'd all like to step outside for a few minutes.
ISS, I'm afraid we can't authorize that.
Uh, Houston, this is more of an FYI call.
We are basically out the door. if we talked about Mr. Wolowitz now?
A little, but go on.
Thank you.
Would you characterize him as responsible?
I'm going to answer that with a visual aid.
This is my nine-disc complete Lord of the Rings trilogy Blu-ray set.
Mr. Wolowitz borrowed it.
Damaged plastic retention hub number three and then returned it to me, hoping I wouldn't notice.
Would you characterize that as responsible?
That's really not the sort of thing we're interested in.
You heard me say Blu-ray, right?
I did.
Very well.
Would you be interested in knowing that Mr Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level 80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?
I'm afraid not.
Is there anything else?
Is there anything else?
Where would you like to start?
He refuses to pay fines when he's overdue with books I lend him.
He crashed the Mars Rover while attempting to impress a woman.
He recommended that I go see the third Matrix movie because it was, and I quote, just as good as the first one.
If that's not irresponsible, I don't know what is.
The Mars Rover?
Did I say Mars Rover?
You did.
That was actually a poorly chosen example as it had nothing to do with me.
Yes, well, let's talk about it anyway.
I don't want to.
Not that my disinclination to discuss the topic should be interpreted as evidence of Howard Wolowitz's culpability in the destruction of government property worth millions of dollars.
Thank you, Dr. Cooper.
I think I have all I need.
Oh, good.
I was afraid you were going to fixate on that Mars Rover incident.
Hi, you wanted to see me?
Yes, I wanted to talk to you about the email you sent me last night.
I sent you an email?
You bet you did.
Hello.
Shalom and aloha from the grave of Richard Feynman.
Oh, it's coming back to me.
Please accept the following retraction.
I know I said physics is dead, but it is the opposite of dead.
If anything, it is undead, like a zombie.
Speaking of which, if Richard Feynman came back as a zombie, I would totally let him bite me.
Any chance that's the end?
I got bit by a squirrel once.
I had to get rabies shots.
I cried so much.
My mother said, don't be a baby.
In conclusion, physics is great.
Squirrels suck, and someday I'm going to put my mom in a cheap nursing home.
Yours truly, XOXO, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
I can explain.
P.S.
Can you come pick us up?
The Uber driver won't open the door because Sheldon is covered in blue vomit.
The first pitch will be thrown out by NASA astronaut Howard Wolowitz.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can he really throw a ball?
On our Quidditch team, he does.
Yeah, that's a no.
I have a message for the young people here today.
When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn't do it.
So I practiced and practiced and you know what?
That little voice was right.
Then I remembered that I'm not an athlete.
I'm a scientist.
So today's first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars rover!
And here's the windup.
And the pitch.
Why is it going so slow?
Because I'm an idiot who didn't think this through.
Okay, new plan.
We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer's Island and then come back and see the end of the pitch.
Okay, it isn't gonna make it go any faster.
Hang on, hang on.
It's working.
I did it.
How do you do that?
No idea, but I did it.
You shouldn't be flying it inside.
I'm not flying it.
Then who is?
I don't know.
Must be getting a Wi-Fi signal from somewhere else.
Initiate landing sequence.
Initiate landing sequence.
Hey, the camera's working.
Oh, look, it's me.
Ah!
Can I help you?
Yes!
It's a robot uprising!
Call the police!
So you really think they liked it?
Oh, sweetie, it was the best speech.
Don't worry.
Everyone in here is safe.
Let's see if this drug works.
Forgive me for staring, but you're very beautiful.
Thank you.
That's a great accent.
Where are you from?
India.
Oh, cool.
I've always wanted to go there.
It's a beautiful country.
You'd love it.
May I join you?
Uh, okay.
Sure, why not?
My name is Dr. Rajesh Kootrapalli, and this is my friend, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Hi.
Oh, there's no need to interact with me.
I'm just here to observe.
What's he observing?
We're scientists.
We observe everything.
Here, go buy yourself a scone.
All right.
I'd like to buy a scone.
Oh, I'm sorry we're out.
We have muffins.
They sound delicious, but this money is earmarked for scones.
What are you doing?
Oh, just getting comfortable.
So how long have you lived in Los Angeles?
They were out of scones.
Sheldon, I'm talking to someone.
You're being rude.
I bet you're an actress.
If not, you should be.
You have a very expressive face.
Oh, my God.
Wait, where are you going?
We were doing so well.
She never even got to see my penis.
Yeah, that's the spot.
Oh, baby.
Howard, dinner's ready!
I'll eat later.
I'm busy!
Oh, yeah, just like a real hand.
Hmm.
Hey, Howard, what's going on?
Hold on, Howard.
Howard, slow down.
The robot hand is stuck on your what?
You're not gonna believe this.
You slipped and fell into a robot hand.
Yes.
Penis first.
Yes.
Now, help me.
I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that as well.
Not funny, Leonard.
Really?
A robot hand's got a death grip on your junk, dude.
That's funny.
Ask anyone.
Please, before my mother walks in, get this off me.
Okay, let's see.
No, no, don't touch.
The program is paused.
Well, then let's unpause.
No, no, I loaded the wrong program.
The hand thinks it's holding a screwdriver in outer space.
If you continue the program, it's going to start twisting.
Come on.
Almost there.
Don't tug.
No tugging.
Next time, take your own advice.
Excuse me, could you help us out?
My, my, my, what do we have here?
I slipped and fell.
Yeah, we get that a lot.
What is this?
It's a robot arm.
Where's the rest of the robot?
I only built the arm.
Because that's all you needed, right?
Can you please just help me?
All right, all right.
Hang on.
Stay calm.
I need an orderly with a wheelchair.
I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
You think it could be a little more discreet?
I'm sorry, we don't have a code for robot hand grasping a man's penis.
Why is it hooked up to a computer?
It's what controls the arm.
Well, it's frozen.
Did you try turning it off and back on again?
No, you see, it's more complicated than that.
No, wait!
Winnie the Pooh is out of the honey tree.
You're even prettier than Penny said.
Can't believe a girl like you doesn't have a boyfriend.
Well, I don't.
I don't believe you.
You're lying to me.
What?
It's okay.
I have no morals and I'm desperately lonely.
I'll be the other man if you want a little something something on the side.
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
What is wrong with you?
What's wrong?
I've made a horrible mistake.
What are you talking about?
This table.
It's in square centimeters.
I read it as square meters.
You know what that means?
That Americans can't handle the metric system?
Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000.
But the Chinese team found the element.
Yeah, well, they shouldn't have.
My calculations were wrong.
There must be some resonance between the elements I didn't know about.
So you just got lucky?
Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.
You and me both, brother.
It doesn't matter.
The element was found because of you, and that's groundbreaking.
What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder.
I'm not a genius.
I'm a fraud.
You know Sheldon, in neuroscience we're forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.
Oh, great.
Now I'm worse than a fraud.
I'm practically a biologist.
Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
No, no, I'm good.
If my PE teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
Do or do not, there is no try.
Did you just quote Star Wars?
I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Oh, my God.
I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
I love you, Penny.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I just want to put that out there.
Oh, yeah.
No.
I'm glad.
Good.
Glad is good.
Yeah.
No.
So it's getting pretty late.
We should probably go to sleep.
Yeah.
OK.
Probably.
OK.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night.
Right this way, Uncle Harvey.
Could you stop with that already?
I am trying not to attract attention.
Tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn't do that?
She's had buenos noches.
What was he supposed to do?
To start the experiment.
Leonard, we should probably have our stories straight in case we get caught.
We're not getting caught.
You can't be sure of that.
What if the helium dealer rats us out?
What if Kripke asks where we got it?
What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don't have an Uncle Harvey?
Our dealer doesn't care.
Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot.
I'll be hooked this up.
Uh-oh.
What?
Did you see this sticker?
What is it?
It's partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U It's probably USC or UCLA.
But what if it's property of U.S. government?
There's a National Helium Reserve in Amarillo, Texas.
If this was stolen from there, we're accessories to a federal crime.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
A lot of things start with you.
That's true.
U.S.
Air Force, U.S.
Department of Defense, U.S.
Navy.
You and I are going to jail.
Listen, we can do the experiment as planned and beat the Swedish team to the punch, or we can kiss our dreams goodbye, because we were too afraid to break a few rules.
We need to talk to you about something that happened at the North Pole.
Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious giant dictator.
I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
That's why I added the tater.
And when we finally got our first positive data, you were so happy.
Oh, yes.
In the world of emoticons, I was colon capital D.
Well, in actuality, what your equipment detected wasn't so much evidence of paradigm-shifting monopoles, as it was static.
From the electric can opener we were turning on and off.
He just went colon capital O. You tampered with my experiment?
We had to.
It was the only way to keep you from being such a huge Dickensian.
You see that?
I added the Enzian.
Did Leonard know about this?
Leonard's my best friend in the world.
Surely Leonard didn't know.
Actually, it was his idea.
Of course it was.
The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
The best I can tell, there are eight other campsites nearby, mostly science nerds like us.
But just over Yon Ridge are two not unattractive middle school teachers who reek of desperation.
Wonderful.
How old are they?
I don't know, 50, 55.
Oh, menopause.
Nature's birth control.
Come on.
You guys can't be that hard up.
I am.
Yeah, me too.
They gave me homemade cookies.
Of course they did.
That's what grandmothers do.
So what are we waiting for?
Relax.
I said we'd stop by a little later after they have their nap.
Good idea.
They'll be refreshed.
Cookie?
Thank you.
Not bad.
Yeah, very tasty.
Wait, so tell me more about these teachers.
Not much to tell.
They had a VW microbus and were wearing tie-dyed Grateful Dead t-shirts.
Good cookies.
Stars are pretty, aren't they?
Up above the world so high, like little diamonds in the sky.
That's beautiful, dude.
You should write that down before someone steals it.
So when do the meteors get here?
The meteors don't get here.
The Earth is moving into their path.
I can feel it.
I can feel the Earth moving.
It's moving too fast.
Raj, slow it down.
Okay, how's that?
Better, thanks.
Stars are pretty, aren't they? so funny is your american accent everything you say sounds stupid stores are pretty aren't they what are you doing eating reading watching television listening to the radio what is the lamb doing Asparagus?
I thought you hate asparagus.
I thought so, too.
But I also thought super asymmetry was a good idea, so what else am I wrong about?
Oh, so now you're reevaluating every opinion you've ever had?
Yes.
I am following the example of 17th century philosopher René Descartes.
He subjected all his beliefs to radical doubt so that he could build a bedrock belief and build his cognitive life back up on firm principles.
Oh, deliaki, deliaki.
Sheldon, I know you're upset about the paper, okay?
I'm upset too.
I mean, I was so sure we were right.
Every fiber of my being felt like this was it.
This was the one.
How can I trust my instincts anymore?
Well, just because our theory was wrong, that doesn't mean you're wrong about everything.
Doesn't it?
You know, I've always thought I hated jazz.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe it's great to hear all the notes at once.
I'm trying.
I'm really trying.
Oh, we need to talk.
You okay?
I think we should talk.
Is everything okay?
Well, you've been living here a while now.
I know.
I may sell comic books at work, but the real superhero's sitting right in front of me.
Yeah.
My name is Dave Hidcote.
Look, I care about you a lot, but we are very different people.
Are you breaking up with me?
No, no.
I'm just pointing out that you're dark on the inside and I'm dark on the outside.
So anyway, what I'm trying to say is... You need to take that.
It's just my dad probably calling to wish me a happy birthday.
We'll call him back.
You were saying?
Look, Raj, be honest with me.
If you want to end things, just do it.
Don't expect me to do it for you.
End things?
I'm trying to tell you that I love you.
Happy birthday.
There's one thing I feel I should tell you.
What?
You know, so we can go into this with no secrets between us.
What?
Remember a couple of years back when I was on that research ship in the North Sea?
Yeah.
OK, well, there was a lot of drinking and craziness going on.
Yeah, you told me.
OK.
Well, there was this girl.
What did you do?
Nothing, really.
It was just kissing.
And then what?
And then nothing.
I stopped it.
But it still bothers me.
And I wanted you to know.
All right.
Did you ever do anything like this?
Nope, never.
That's too bad.
The end result will be a measurable enhancement to Penny's quality of life.
You know what?
You convinced me.
Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
You don't think that crosses a line?
Yes.
For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
You have a sarcasm sign?
No, I do not have a sarcasm sign.
You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?
Yes, but only to clean.
While I was sleeping?
And snoring.
And that's probably just a sinus infection.
But it could be sleep apnea.
You might want to see an otolaryngologist.
The throat doctor.
And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.
You know the best part of working in the clean room?
No allergies.
Check it out.
Oh, that's a lot of oxygen.
We should get going to Amy's.
Can you believe there was a time when we would have needed an array of giant Chernikov telescopes to detect cosmic particles?
And here we are, building our own multi-wire detector like a couple of badasses.
I know.
If we were still single, we'd be tripping over all that booty.
Ladies do love a man dressed like a kitchen garbage bag.
Oh, no.
How the hell did a pigeon get in here?
You shut the loading doors, right?
I thought you did.
Do you know what a disaster this is?
You mean because this room isn't supposed to have dust in it and we just let in a flying crap machine?
What do we do?
Should we call someone?
And tell them that we compromised all the equipment.
Let's just get it out of here before anyone knows.
Okay, how do we catch it?
Well, what if we turn off all the lights except for one and it'll come to us?
It's not a moth.
Don't yell at me.
You're not going to get any good ideas out of me if you're yelling.
Okay, so if I remain calm, I'll get more gems like turn off the lights.
Great.
We're turning on each other.
That's just what the bird wants us to do.
Okay.
On the count of three, I'll shoot the fire extinguisher and get him airborne.
Howard, you wave the blanket and guide him towards the exit.
Roz, you hold open the curtain so he can fly out.
Are you sure a dummy like me can handle something as complicated as a blanket?
Do you want the fire extinguisher?
Yeah, I do.
Great.
Here you go.
You have to take the pin out.
You miss the blanket now, don't you?
On three.
One, two, three.
What did you do?
Accident.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Relax.
It wasn't your fault.
Maybe it's just stunned.
Dude, it's not breathing.
Oh, no.
I killed it.
Oh, not again.
What do you mean, not again?
When I was 10, I was playing in my backyard and sat on a blue jay.
I tried to bring it back to life with electricity, but it just... caught on fire.
The worst part was it smelled delicious.
Uh, guys, I found an article here that says you can do CPR on birds.
Great!
Do it!
I'm not doing it.
You kill them, you do it.
I'll do it.
No!
I need to do it.
This is on me.
Okay.
Mouth over beak and light chest compressions.
Don't blow too hard.
If you pop him, I will vomit.
Anything?
I am tasting a lot of Slim Jim.
Wait.
Wait.
His wing moved.
He blinked his eyes.
He's alive.
It's a Christmas miracle.
I might argue a Hanukkah miracle, but I'll take it.
Come on, little guy.
Let's get you outside.
Get the curtain.
Someone should really close that loading door.
To begin with, you will remove funny bone for $200.
For this, I went to MIT.
I think I swallowed something.
I can't press any of the buttons with my gloves.
Oh, son of a bitch.
Adversity is to be expected.
Continue.
Oh, boy, am I going to get sued.
OK, I can't do this.
Me either.
Gentlemen, use your imagination.
Innovate.
Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth?
No. cut open a Tauntaun and use its internal body heat to warm him up.
You heard the man.
Hold him down and I'll cut him open.
Hang on.
I know I don't possess the tools of leadership, but I don't understand why we can't assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.
I hadn't thought of that.
I guess we're done here.
Sheldon Cooper?
Good morning, Your Honor.
Dr. Sheldon Cooper, appearing in pro se.
That is to say, representing himself.
I know what it means.
I went to law school.
And yet you wound up in traffic court.
Anyway, if it would please the court, I'd like to begin with an opening statement.
The court would advise you to make it quick, as the court had a dicey-looking breakfast burrito this morning and just took an Imodium.
Very well.
Quick opening statement.
Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs.
I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic.
I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal.
But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue.
I am unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera.
So, to sum up improper instruction quod est necessarium est licitum.
Sixth Amendment my milk stool is complete.
Impressive.
Thank you.
Guilty.
I object.
You're completely ignoring the law.
No, I'm following the law.
I'm ignoring you.
Really?
I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.
Dr Cooper, before I find you in contempt and throw you in jail, I'm gonna give you a chance to apologize for that last remark.
I'm a scientist.
I never apologize for the truth.
That's my spot.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, jailer.
What?
I need to use the restroom.
Knock yourself out.
But that's the toilet.
Well, it ain't a wishing well.
Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.
This is crazy.
No, crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.
Listen to me.
You are overtired.
You're not thinking right.
Put the movie back before we get into trouble.
Trouble is my middle name, Leonard.
Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer trouble.
Oh, look who they let in.
Don't worry, Wil Wheaton.
I was just leaving.
I feel just like Mother Teresa.
Except for the virgin part.
That ship sailed a long time ago.
I think Mother Teresa would've washed the clothes first.
Yeah, well, I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs.
You know, giving really is better than receiving.
I used to think it was such a cliche, but it seems to be the.
Look at these cute jeans someone just threw away.
Donated.
Yes, to a poor waitress who loves a boot cut.
Penny.
Come on, they would be so cute on me, and they go great with this sweater.
I think Mother Teresa... Oh, that is adorable.
I don't feel good about this.
Then sit in the car and keep it running.
You were right.
A whole new load.
Come on, yoga top.
Mama needs a new yoga top.
Check it out, Bernadette.
Suede boots.
Your size.
God, they're cute.
Oh, why did they have to be cute?
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Guys, just hang on.
What is it?
The fuzz?
Look at us.
What are we doing?
I was gleefully following you to a life of crime looking forward to the day we might be cellmates.
I don't know about Bernadette.
No, this is wrong.
Let's put everything back.
It's okay, I serve soup to poor people!
Hello?
I'm looking for Howard Wolowitz.
Howard Wolowitz?
I have the right address, don't I?
Address?
Is he here?
No.
Do you know where I can find him?
May I ask what this is about?
No, you may not.
Very well.
Have him call me.
Okay.
Raj, who's at the door?
That's not him.
Who are you here to see?
I'm just going to tell you the truth.
Oh, you are killing me.
We don't have an appointment.
We're just fans of Mr Lucas's work and we thought we'd take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.
Sorry, guys, we get this a lot.
Can't let you in.
What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda?
A recording session I must attend.
I'm sorry.
Don't listen to him.
We're actually physicists.
We're giving a lecture at Berkeley later today.
We just had some time to kill.
Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys.
I can't let you in.
I got some hats and T-shirts I can give you.
Thank you so much.
See?
Maybe honesty is the best, but what are you doing?
Shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.
Don't move.
Code AA-23.
AA-23.
Copy.
I can see the ranch, Leonard.
Oh, it's rustic.
It's lovely.
I take a picture, but people are chasing me.
I'm gonna make it.
I'm gonna make it.
They have tasers.
They wouldn't dare use...
Are you insane?
You can't just break into a woman's apartment in the middle of the night and clean.
I had no choice.
I couldn't sleep knowing that just outside my bedroom was our living room and just outside our living room was that hallway, and immediately adjacent to that hallway was this
Do you realize that if Penny wakes up, there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here?
I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
No, no.
You gave me an explanation.
Its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Don't be ridiculous.
I have no peers.
We have to get out of here.
You might want to speak in a lower register.
What has made women sensitive to high-pitched noises while they sleep?
So that they'll be roused by a crying baby?
If you want to avoid waking her, speak in a lower register.
That's ridiculous.
No?
That's ridiculous.
Fine.
I accept your premise, now please, let's go.
I'm not leaving until I'm done.
If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Oh, what the hell?
You want some cereal?
I feel so good today, I'm gonna choose from the low fiber end of the shelf.
Hello, honeypuffs.
Honey's up.
You sick, geeky bastards!
How did she know it was us?
I may have left a suggested organizational schematic for her bedroom closet.
Leonard!
God, this is gonna be bad.
Goodbye, honey puffs.
Hello, big brand.
Howard.
Howard!
It's me.
It's just me.
What are you doing here?
Well, I texted you, but you didn't respond.
Leonard and Benny were arguing.
Get off my lunch!
It's fine.
It's just Raj.
You can hit him with the bat, but it's fine.
And if my heart starts, just let me go.
I'm sorry, guys.
Sheldon was upset.
Leonard and Penny were fighting.
I just wanted to go someplace where I wasn't causing problems.
I'll say it again.
India.
Can I just stay in the garage?
Don't do that.
We'll make up the couch for you and figure out something in the morning.
Thank you.
Come on.
I'll get you some sheets.
I'll see if I can beat my high score on the blood pressure machine.
Never should have had all these kids so close together.
Anyone seen Sheldon?
Last time I saw Sheldon was this morning.
Careful, don't say his name a third time.
You don't think he actually went to Las Vegas, do you?
Bye, Brad.
This is it.
Is everything okay, sir?
It's better than okay.
I am a physicist and I've been observing this wheel for hours and running a chi-square analysis, which is how I know that the ball is far more likely to land on 32, 17 or 5.
So if you could hold off on replacing this wheel, I'd like to make several large bets.
Well, good for you.
Pelican.
What's pelican?
Sir, would you come with us?
Oh, no, I have to place my bet first.
This is for science.
17 black.
No!
That is a bracing cold.
An invigorating cold.
Lord, is it cold.
Help you with your bag, sir?
Thank you, fellow Bosite.
May I say you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.
Wait!
Excuse me!
One ticket to Pasadena, California.
I did it!
I'm in the queue!
And they say firefighters are the real heroes.
Uh, what number in line are you?
Uh, 15,211.
Great!
Damn!
Oh, they only have Thursday and Sunday passes left.
Really?
Oh, Thursday's gone.
Just Sunday left.
Oh, Sunday's the worst.
Everybody's leaving.
Most of the panels are over and the only T-shirts they have left are small and XXXXL.
Sunday's gone.
Not Sunday!
I love Sunday!
So that's it?
Everything's sold out?
Yeah.
I can't believe we're not going.
It's okay.
There's always WonderCon in Anaheim.
That's just as good.
Excuse me.
Okay, great.
Our friendly neighborhood scalper says he's running late.
Does he sound like a criminal?
What do you mean?
You know, did he say things like, use, guys, or listen here, see?
Yes, he's late because he's on his way here from 1940.
I'm just saying, we don't know who this guy is.
What if he wants to steal our money or our kidneys or make a suit out of our skins?
Why would someone want to make clothes out of your skin?
I don't know.
Maybe because Doc doesn't show the stains?
Now you're making me wonder if we should have met him at a neutral location.
Why do you think I told him to come to your place?
Okay, so I'm on a Comic-Con message board and there's a post from a guy where he says he got caught using someone else's badge.
And Sheldon was right.
He did get charged with petty theft.
Guys, if I go to jail dressed as the Human Torch, that might send the wrong message.
Maybe this isn't a good idea.
I can text the guy, tell him we changed our minds.
Do it.
Okay.
We're officially not going to Comic-Con.
Hold on.
We always do this.
Do what?
Chicken out.
We're so afraid of getting into trouble that we never do anything wrong.
It's because we're the good guys.
Even Batman breaks the rules.
You know I struggle with Batman.
I say this one time, instead of wimping out, let's be badasses.
Okay, I'll be a badass, but only if you pinky swear to be one too.
Howard, you in on this?
No need.
I'm breaking rules all the time.
Name one.
Last night, drank my Pepto straight out of the bottle.
What about that little cup they give you?
Yeah.
What about it?
Are you impressed by that?
A little.
Yeah, me too.
This part is on his way up.
Good.
This is exciting.
It is.
I feel alive.
What if we do get caught?
Who cares?
We get banned from Comic-Con.
Maybe slapped with a fine.
I don't know.
I'll be an astronaut and a bad boy.
How will women keep their pants on?
Maybe it'll come up when I apply for citizenship.
Oh, crap.
What if it comes up when I apply for citizenship?
I wonder if we'd have to disclose something like this when we apply for grants.
He's gonna be here any second.
What should we do?
Okay, you guys are such babies.
I'll handle this.
If he thinks I'm not home, I'll go away.
I thought you were a badass.
I lied about the Pepto.
I always use the little cup.
Are you finished?
Well, thank you.
How thoughtful.
Would you like a chocolate?
Um, yeah, sure.
Oh, sorry Sheldon, I almost sat in your spot.
Did you?
I didn't notice.
Have a chocolate.
Thank you.
You're here a lot now.
Oh, am I talking too much?
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Chocolate?
Hey, Kim.
Yeah, I... You know what?
Hold on.
Let me take this in the hall.
You'll never guess who they got to replace you with once.
Okay.
I know what you're doing.
Really?
Yes, you're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior.
Very good.
Chocolate?
Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Are you saying that I am forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Yes.
You're forbidden.
Bad, Leonard.
Okay, what is going on?
Ever since Amy started working with Howard, she hasn't been home.
Didn't that just start this morning?
And has she been home?
You know, that would frustrate me.
Does it frustrate you?
It does.
I get that.
You know, it's okay to feel frustrated when things aren't going your way.
I suppose.
Maybe it's not that big a deal.
No, no, no.
Your feelings are valid.
Now, why don't you go wash up, and we'll call you when dinner's ready.
Okay.
Okay.
What did you do?
Are you a witch?
Well, I've been reading Bernadette's parenting book.
It's like the answer key to the Sheldon test.
That's amazing.
I know, but you know, it's only birth to five.
What do we do when he turns six?
Take him to the zoo and leave him there.
I just wish I could make Howard feel as angry as I'm feeling.
Well, maybe you could do something he likes and make him jealous.
Like what?
Have you ever read Tom Sawyer?
No.
Chores.
He likes chores.
Oh, what kind of chores?
Well, you could change the batteries in the smoke detectors.
That would drive him crazy.
Great.
Oh, he'll be so mad, smoke will be coming out of his ears.
Then the smoke detectors will detect it.
Wait, hold on.
Why did you ask me about Tom Sawyer?
I'm just interested in you.
What?
You are sweeter than your applesauce.
Okay.
I put new batteries in the smoke detectors.
Did you do the laundry?
I sure did.
Ooh, he's going to be steamed.
Just like his dress shirts.
At least he could still clean the oven, so that's something.
That's what he thinks.
Where's your steel wool?
Right here.
We made quite the team.
Sure do.
Leonard, what are you doing?
Showing you that this is the better way.
Stop.
Whatever's inside there is dangerous.
Oh, and pretty.
What is that?
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just feeling a little... Hungry.
Stop eating mud!
Leonard, Leonard.
What, what?
You're having a bad dream.
Oh, thank God.
I was eating my friends.
Well, one friend and one acquaintance.
You know what, Bert's okay.
Two friends.
Let me see if you're running a fever.
Oh, yeah, you're burning up.
Jeez!
Are you okay?
Well, it depends.
What color are my eyes?
I don't know.
Brown?
No, green.
No, wait.
Brown.
Oh, good.
I'm awake.
Combine these chemicals with ordinary dish soap, creating a little exothermic release of oxygen.
Oh!
Oh!
For me, vengeance.
Yes, exactly.
This is brilliant, Sheldon.
How are we gonna deploy it in Kripke's office?
Already taken care of.
Observe.
This is a live shot of Kripke's lab via a mini webcam I was able to install thanks to a dollar bill discreetly placed in the night janitor's shirt pocket.
At the same time, I also secured large quantities of these chemicals above the tiles in the drop ceiling.
Sheldon, you remind me of a young Lex Luthor.
You flatter me, sir.
Let me guess, motion sensors?
Yes.
The reaction will be triggered when Kripke reaches the center of the room.
Mwahaha.
I gotta say, I am really impressed.
This is truly the Sheldon Cooper way to get even.
It may be low-tech, but I still maintain the whoopee cushion has comic validity.
Here comes Kripke.
Who is that with him?
I believe that's the president of the university.
And the board of directors.
Abort!
Abort!
There is no abort.
Well, how could you not put in an abort?
I made a boo-boo, all right?
I think the board will really appreciate how well we're using that NSA grant, President Sieber.
Right here we have a micro-controlled plasma...
Looks like the Ganges on Laundry Day.
At least they don't know it was you.
Hello, Kripke.
This classic prank comes to you from the malevolent mind of Sheldon Cooper.
If you'd like to see the look on your stupid face, this video is being instantly uploaded to YouTube.
Oh, and a hat tip to Leonard Hofstadter and Raj Koothrapally for their support and encouragement in this enterprise.
Well, I'm going back to India.
What's your plan?
