Priya just made a snide comment about your acting career.
What the hell did she say?
She thinks it's cool you're following your dream no matter what.
That bitch!
How do you want to handle it?
Um okay, tell Bernadette to tell Priya that I'm on my way to Prague to shoot a movie with Angelina Jolie.
Got it.
Is it gonna be in 3D?
It doesn't matter.
I'm gonna say 3-D.
That'll let her know the studio has faith in it.
You're kidding.
3-D?
That's what I hear.
The studio must have real faith in it.
I wonder why she didn't tell me.
Have you been spending time with your ex-girlfriend?
No.
Then why are you surprised she didn't tell you?
Well, it's not as much a surprise as, you know, the other thing.
What other thing?
Well, if you, uh... I don't... What's the word I'm looking for?
I'm not gonna help you.
This is hilarious.
Never have I ever kept a secret bank account because I think my wife can't handle money.
Okay, you have every right to be mad, and what you said is true.
You do make more money than me, so I had no right to do what I did, and I'm so sorry.
I hope you can forgive me.
How long have you had this secret account?
A couple years, but I just put a few bucks aside every month for emergencies.
Well, how much you got in there?
$6,427.
$47 once my nana's birthday check gets here.
Oh, my God, Leonard, do you know what I could do with that kind of money?
I do, and that's why I hid it.
What good is it if you don't use it?
You have shoes you love but never wear.
I have money I love but never spend.
We're kind of a cute couple that way.
Anything I can do to help?
Not right now, but we could try out that microphone you got us and listen to the baby's heartbeat.
Really?
It's okay if I listen with you?
Of course.
Can I squirt the ultrasound jelly on your stomach?
Hey, look at that.
It's weird again.
Isn't that the best?
You guys made a person.
And I like to think I helped.
I'm sorry Leonard and Penny hurt your feelings.
It's more than that.
It's me.
I always knew I had trouble recognizing other people's emotions, but that machine just made it so real.
Well, everybody has things that they need help with.
Like me, I can't see without my glasses.
You know, right now you're just a cute pink smudge wearing a childish green smudge.
I thought I was getting better at it, but clearly I'm not.
Yes, you are.
There have definitely been days when I was sad, and you could tell.
Yeah, but that's shooting fish in a barrel.
You're kind of a sad sack.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have said that.
I'm just upset.
See, right there, you knew you hurt my feelings, and I'm proud of you.
For reasons I'm sure have something to do with my father.
And if you don't like that machine, get rid of it.
Because I love you exactly the way you are.
I feel the same way about you.
Now put your glasses back on.
You look weird.
Raj was the Kung Pa Chicken.
I'm the Dumplings.
Yes, you are.
Creepy, Howard.
Creepy good or creepy bad?
Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce?
That would be me.
Come to papa, you unkosher delight.
I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
Sit over there.
Sit over there, baby wipe.
Why do you have?
No, I'll tell you why.
I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the restrooms with hot air blowers.
Oh, I thought the blowers were more sanitary.
Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence.
Frankly, be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
Hey guys, I just got the most amazing Gosh Ross.
Do you think you'll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk?
Okay, well, I'll just, um, go eat by myself.
Penny, you don't have to do that.
Oh, it's okay.
Between him not talking, him talking and him.
I'm better off alone.
So Goodbye you poor, strange little man.
He's so considerate.
So what's your news?
Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?
Oh yeah, 2008 NQ sub 17.
Or as I called it, Planet Bollywood.
Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of the 30 under 30 to watch.
Congratulations.
That's incredible.
Excuse me, the 30 what under 30 what to watch what?
30 visionaries under 30 years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of the fields.
If I had a million guesses, I never would have gotten that.
It's pretty cool.
They've got me in with a guy who's doing something about hunger in Indonesia and a psychotherapist who's using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners, and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
Oh, I'd so do her.
You'd do the dolphins.
Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?
Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Poverty?
Your father's a gynecologist.
He drives a Bentley.
It's a lease.
I'm confused.
Is there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?
Peer review?
It's People Magazine.
People picked me.
What people?
The people from People.
Yeah, but exactly who are these people?
What are their credentials?
How are they qualified?
What makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that's been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under 30?
Boy, I bet Ellen Page's friends aren't giving her this kind of crap.
You proud of yourself?
In general, yes.
Facebook status update.
Leonard Hofstetter is in a relationship.
What?
No.
No, that's not right.
Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did?
Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
Seriously?
You went first after only two weeks?
That's bold.
It's not bold.
It's a mistake.
I didn't change my status.
Well, then who did?
I had no choice.
He cried in front of her.
You hacked my Facebook account?
Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.
Are you insane?
Now she's going to think I'm desperate.
You've destroyed this relationship.
And you want to know.
The worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong, because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in, in which I am not, Don't even Don't want to hear another word out of you.
Ooh.
What's wrong, Lassie?
Timmy fall down the well?
Oh, wow.
She just updated her Facebook status.
Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstetter.
Really?
Look at that.
I have a girlfriend.
If I'm permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, for the win.
You try too hard?
Look at me.
What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?
Well, you'd have a terrific chance.
I mean, you're smart, you're funny, you have a cool job.
You build stuff that goes into outer space.
I guess.
No look, I'm telling you.
I've known you for like a year and a half and this is the first time I feel like I'm talking to a real person.
And you know what?
I like him.
He's a nice guy.
You really think so?
Yes.
This is an auspicious moment.
Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
How about die, toaster, die?
That'll do it.
All right, what's next?
No, I think I'm just gonna stay in tonight and do laundry.
Stew the cockatoo is new at the zoo.
Author.
Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoo Stew.
Probably makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn't you agree?
I don't like birds.
They scare me.
Me too.
Most people don't see it.
What are you reading?
Curious George.
Oh, I do like monkeys.
Curious George's monkey.
Somewhat anthropomorphized, but yes.
Say, maybe sometime you and I could go see monkeys together.
Would you like that?
Okay.
Sheldon, what are you doing?
I'm making friends with this little girl.
What's your name?
Rebecca.
Hi, Rebecca.
I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
No, you're not.
Let's go.
We're really hitting it off.
Don't look up those cameras.
Oh, boy.
What?
I can't comment without violating our agreement that I not criticize your work.
Then what was oh boy?
Great restraint on my part.
There's nothing wrong with the science here.
Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.
Okay, how's that?
You actually had it right in the first place.
Once again, you've fallen for one of my classic pranks.
Bazinga.
Well, now, here's a peculiar email.
The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.
Why?
Doesn't say.
Must be an emergency.
Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at 8 and move my bowels at 8.20.
Yes, how did we live before Twitter?
I guess you'll find out what it is in the morning.
That's 14 hours away.
And for the next 840 minutes, I'm effectively one of Heisenberg's particles.
I know where I am, or I know how fast I'm going, but I can't know both.
How am I supposed to carry on with this huge, annoying thing hovering over my head?
Yeah, I know the feeling.
To begin with, you will remove funny bone for $200.
For this, I went to MIT.
I think I swallowed some paint.
I can't press any of the buttons with my gloves.
Oh, son of a bitch!
Adversity is to be expected.
Continue.
Oh, boy, am I gonna get sued.
Okay, I can't do this.
Me either.
Gentlemen, use your imagination.
Innovate.
Did Han Solo let Luke Skywalker freeze to death on the ice planet of Hoth?
No.
He cut open a Tauntaun and used its internal body heat to warm him up.
You heard the man.
Hold him down and I'll cut him open.
Hang on.
I know I don't possess the tools of leadership, but I don't understand why we can't assemble the equipment inside the hut and then take it outside.
I hadn't thought of that.
I guess we're done here.
So I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
Where'd you hear that?
Actually, I read it.
Wolowitz texted me.
Like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory, yeah.
Yeah, I thought it was a pretty good one.
I gave him an LOL.
Anyway, it got me thinking.
Now that you're unattached, maybe we can revisit our previous attachment.
Are you suggesting another bout of stress release?
No, I'm all done with casual sex.
From now on, I'm fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm.
Really?
What changed?
It's hard to say.
I guess it was just a time in every woman's life when she gets tired of waking up on a strange futon with a bunch of people she doesn't know.
Yeah, I can see how that would... A bunch of people?
Anyway, I just figure it's time to slow things down.
And who better to slow things down with than you?
I'm flattered.
So, how do you suggest we proceed?
Your place will order Chinese.
You'll rent a movie artsy but accessible, then light petting, no coitus.
Sounds fun.
I'll leave the details up to you.
I think it's better if you assume the male role.
Thank you, that's very thoughtful.
Great.
Call me.
When the two of you reach a natural stopping point, I'd like to have a word.
If the word is pee-pee, just do it.
Leonard, you're my friend.
And friends support their friends, apparently.
So I'm withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.
Thank you.
I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant subpar scientist who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory.
You kids have fun.
Hang on a second.
Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
I'm listening.
Amuse me.
Okay well, for one thing, we expect quantized space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colors.
Balderdash.
Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
Are you going to let him talk to me like that?
Well, there's a lot of merit to both theories.
No, there isn't.
Only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes.
Sheldon, don't make that noise.
It's disrespectful.
I should hope so.
It was a snort of derision.
You agree with me, right?
Loop quantum gravity is the future of physics.
Sorry, Leslie.
I guess I prefer my space stringy, not loopy.
I'm glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further.
Truth?
What truth?
We're talking about untested hypotheses.
It's no big deal.
Oh, it isn't, really?
Tell me, Leonard, how will we raise the children?
I guess we wait until they're old enough and let them choose their own theory.
We can't let them choose, Leonard.
They're children.
Wait, where are you going?
I'm sorry.
I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice cream or ever get a good view of a parade.
But this?
This is a deal breaker.
Look on the bright side.
What's the bright side?
Only nine more months to Comic-Con.
Oh, yeah.
Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror.
We are about to enter Atsu's fortress.
Now, this is a long run, so let's do another bladder check.
All right, Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor.
Shell door is AFK.
Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Yes.
I can't get my stupid door open.
You appear to have put your car key in the door lock.
Are you aware of that?
Yeah.
All right, then.
Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
I can't get the damn key out.
Well, it's not surprising.
That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center cylinder system.
Thank you, Sheldon.
You're welcome.
Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Why?
I'll tell you why.
Because today I had an audition.
It took me two hours to get there.
I waited an hour for my turn.
And before I could even start, they told me I looked too Midwest for the part.
Too Midwest.
What the hell does that even mean?
Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic people.
They have a characteristic facial bone structure.
I know what it means!
God!
You know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't gotten a single acting job.
I've accomplished nothing.
Haven't gotten a raise at work.
Haven't even had sex in six months.
And just now, when I was walking up those stairs, a fly flew in my mouth, and I ate it!
Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures.
They're almost pure protein.
Oh, son of a bitch!
I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weaken the structural integrity of the bag.
But returning to your key conundrum, perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
I did.
He said he'll get here when he gets here.
And you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
No!
I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything and my breath smells like flies!
They're there.
Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
No, Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three-year-old.
All right, then.
For God's sake.
Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.
I'll be playing host to Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton.
The cosmological physicist from Princeton?
Yes.
And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin.
We've been corresponding for years about our mutual interest in gravitational wave signatures of inflatons in the early universe, and now she's under consideration for a position at our university.
Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton?
I am a huge fan of hers.
I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you're a fan of, but very well.
You enjoy Canadian bacon.
I've been to Toronto.
Okay, fine.
Where is she gonna sleep?
My room, of course.
Holy crap!
Holy crap!
I have a two-part question.
Go ahead.
A, are you kidding me?
And B, seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
A, I rarely kid, and B, when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word, bazinga.
So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
Yes.
Bazinga.
Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
Well, who wants to stay in a hotel with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
I'm so glad you understand.
No, he doesn't understand.
I understand.
I understand, too.
You're just misappropriating my understanding.
I think any university would want you except, of course, any university that had already had you, because they would have already wanted you before they, you know, got you.
From the mind that brought you high-low.
Let me show you to your room.
All right.
I guess I am tired.
Good night, Leonard.
Uh, sleep night.
I mean, obviously, good night.
I started to say sleep tight, and then I changed my mind in the middle.
I swear to God, I'm smart.
Get it together, ma'am.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Enjoying your stay?
Yes, very much.
Good.
Excuse me.
Okay, well, I guess I should get dressed so I can take everyone to work.
You and Sheldon and Sheldon's friend, Dr. Plimpton, who you just met.
It'd be fun.
Like a clown car.
Hang on.
We just broke up.
You and me?
Yeah, we did, not too long ago.
How you doing with it?
Not as good as you, apparently.
I don't follow.
You know what?
It's none of my business.
If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stop seeing each other, go for it.
Well, now... Excuse me.
I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr Plimpton who, I assure you, has better things to do.
I'm not recommending it.
I'm saying it already happened.
That's preposterous.
Tell her, Leonard.
Well... No.
Oh, come on.
It wasn't my fault.
The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
You know what?
I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
Penny, I can still drive you.
Oh, no, no, it's okay.
You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
I must say, I'm shocked by this betrayal.
I didn't betray Penny.
Not Penny.
Me.
How am I betraying you?
Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Hey, baby doll pink.
Let's see if you can cover up the fact that I got my dad's feet.
It's just two degrees, Sheldon.
I just want to turn up the thermostat two degrees.
Let me point out that two degrees can be the difference between water and steam.
Yes, if we lived in a tea kettle.
This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.
Oh, screw the roommate agreement.
No, you don't screw the roommate agreement.
The roommate agreement screws you.
You know what?
Go to hell and set their thermostat.
I don't have to go to hell.
It's 73 degrees.
I'm there already.
Who is it?
Leonard.
Hang on.
Can I sleep on your couch tonight?
Uh, well, you can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.
I heard that, huh?
Apparently, the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat, then the other fella went bat crap crazy.
So you agree he's nuts?
Well, not as nuts as the guy who chooses to live with him.
Believe it or not, he was worse when I met him.
Oh, I do not believe that.
Yes?
Uh, I'm Leonard Hofstetter.
I called you about the apartment.
You said to come by... I know what I said.
I know what you said.
I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
What is the sixth noble gas?
What?
You said you're a scientist.
What is the sixth noble gas?
Uh, radon?
Are you asking me or telling me?
Telling you.
Telling you.
All right.
Next question.
Kirk or Picard?
Oh, well, that's tricky.
Original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Correct.
You've passed the first barrier to roommate-hood.
You may enter.
Oh, this is pretty nice.
Bedrooms are back there?
That depends.
I don't understand.
Their existence is conditional?
No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
There's three?
Each more daunting than the last.
Have a seat.
Okay.
No, that's where I sit.
Explain the couch.
Well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100.
Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
They're lawn chairs.
And there was no place for company.
Did it occur to you that was by design?
According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50 of the cubic footage of the common areas.
But you didn't notify me by email, so this is still a breach.
I did notify you.
Oh, you did, did you?
Oh, drat.
Hoisted by my own spam filter.
What am I doing in your spam folder?
I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled, This is Funny.
Mix it into Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8000 kilonewtons of thrust.
Cool.
Won't work.
Excuse me, but I've been working on this a long time.
Trust me, it'll work.
You don't see your mistake, do you?
There's no mistake.
This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.
Well, I've adjusted the formula.
Not correctly.
Okay, I've had it with you.
You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics.
And when it comes to applied physics... Uh, uh, uh, oh.
A bad thing, a very bad thing.
Get the door, get the door, get the door, get the door, get the door!
You're waiting for the elevator?
Oh, right.
Wait, it's you.
What'd you do that for?
I had plenty of time.
You're welcome.
Oh, hi.
What's going on?
We're up on the roof bouncing laser beams off the moon.
I'm sorry, what?
It's pretty cool.
We've got a two-meter parabolic reflector and everything.
I thought you might want to see it.
That makes no sense.
How can you bounce stuff off the moon?
There's no gravity.
Leonard, this is Zach.
Zach Leonard.
Hey.
Sorry, I didn't know you were busy.
Maybe another time.
Yeah, maybe.
Hey, I want to see this laser thing.
Oh, but what about the party?
It's a surprise party.
It doesn't matter when we get there.
Oh, right.
Okay, well, yeah, come on up.
So, how did you guys meet?
My company designs the venues for the Cheesecake Factory.
Well, my dad's, but me and my sister are VPs.
So, menus.
I know it sounds easy, but there's a lot of science that goes into designing them.
There, we'll measure the photons that return and let us see it on this computer.
Raj, get them some glasses.
Cool.
It's gonna be in 3-D?
Preparing to fire laser at the moon.
Make it so.
There it is.
There's the spike.
2.5 seconds for the light to return.
That's the moon.
We hit the moon.
That's your big experiment?
All that for a line on the screen?
Yeah, but think about what this represents.
The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that, only 60 years before, had just invented the airplane.
What species is that?
I was wrong.
Penny can do better.
OK, guys, thank you.
It's been fun.
Yeah, thanks.
Should we invite him to the party?
No, just keep walking.
He must be very skilled at coitus.
If she can do it, I can do it.
If she can do it, I can do it.
I can't do it.
Hello?
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Leslie.
Leonard Hofstadter.
What are you doing here?
I know.
It's been a while.
Yeah, 18 months.
Right.
Right.
How you doing?
Fine.
You?
Not bad.
Do you remember when we used to have sex and you said that it didn't mean anything, it was just for fun?
Yeah.
Do you want to do that again?
What happened?
Blondie dumped you?
She didn't dump me.
We were just in different places in the relationship.
Right.
Anyway, apparently it's okay to go back to people you're no longer seeing and have recreational sex with them.
Uh-huh.
So what do you say?
Let me think about it.
She's not coming back.
In a few minutes, when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it?
The standard I told you so?
With a classic neener-neener?
Or just my normal look of haughty derision?
You don't know me wrong yet.
Haughty derision it is.
Excuse me.
I'm Amy Farrah Fowler.
You're Sheldon Cooper.
Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler.
I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely.
Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it.
If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.
In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Interesting.
My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
And then you might want to avoid East Texas.
Noted.
Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact, up to and including coitus, are off the table.
May I buy you a beverage?
Some tepid water, please.
Good God, what have we done?
Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
No, no, I'm good.
If my PE teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
Do or do not, there is no try.
Did you just quote Star Wars?
I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Oh, my God.
I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
I love you, Penny.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I just want to put that out there.
Oh, yeah, no.
I'm glad.
Good.
Glad is good.
Yeah.
No.
So, it's getting pretty late.
We should probably go to sleep.
Yeah.
Okay.
Probably.
Okay.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night.
Hey, Leonard, where do you come down on giant ants?
Sheldon says impossible.
Howard and I say not only possible, but as a mode of transportation, way cooler than a Batmobile.
You are ignoring the square cube law.
The giant ant would be crushed under the weight of its own exoskeleton.
And for the record, the appropriate ranking of cool modes of transportation is jetpack hoverboard transporter, Batmobile and then giant ant.
Seriously?
You have nothing better to do than sit around and discuss the possibility of giant ants?
What's with him?
Perhaps he's at a sensitive point in his monthly cycle.
Are you saying he's menstruating?
Not literally.
But as far back as the 17th century, scientists observed a 33-day fluctuation in men's hormone levels.
Interesting.
That might explain my weepy days in the middle of the month.
You know what I'm talking about.
I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch.
The Wesley Crushers?
No, not the Wesley Crushers.
The Wesley Crushers.
I don't get it.
Wesley Crusher was Will Wheaton's character on Star Trek.
Still don't get it.
It's a blindingly clever play on words.
By appropriating his character's name and adding the s, we imply that we'll be the crushers of wesley.
Okay, i'm sorry honey, but the wesley crusher sounds like a bunch of people who like wesley crusher.
But no again, it's not the wesley crushers.
It's the wesley crushers.
If you want it to mean you're crushing wesley, it'd be the wesley crushers.
Can people even hear yourselves?
It's not the Wesley Crushers.
It's not the Wesley Crushers.
It's the Wesley Crushers.
Hey, look.
They named their team after me.
No, it's not... Never mind.
After you.
No, after you, as we are currently crushing you, Wesley.
It's customary for the player on the right hand lane bowl first.
All right.
It's a custom, not a rule.
I so loathe you.
That's right, Sheldon.
Embrace the dark side.
That's not even from your franchise.
Damn, they canceled my visa.
Oh, yay, a new MasterCard.
Uh-oh.
What?
I was going to get my mail.
OK.
Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
I think you mean telekinetically.
I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Oh, God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
Well, we could if it were true.
But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time.
The variable which has changed is the coitus.
Okay, here's the protocol.
You and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
Good.
I'm glad we're still friends.
Really?
Oh, yes.
It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
Right.
Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
Everyone.
Say hello to your mother for me.
Okay.
What?
You said you were going for a walk.
I didn't say outside.
So what, you're just gonna walk up and down the stairs?
No, of course not.
That would be odd and suspicious behavior.
Here, Ruffles.
Here, boy.
Which way are you going?
Which way are you going?
I parked my scooter down the block.
I'm going the other way.
Bye.
Bye.
Actually, I'm this way.
Do I smell hot dogs?
No.
I mean, I have no idea what you smell.
You definitely smell raw hot dogs.
Perhaps you're getting a brain tumor.
All right.
Have a nice walk.
I shall.
Have a nice scoot.
You might want to stand back.
I'm sitting on top of 13 horses here.
Oh, hello doggy.
Nice doggy.
I bet you think you smell hot dogs.
Look, a cat!
Penny?
Penny?
Penny?
I had to trade the others for my life.
We're home.
It's 10 o'clock.
Where have you been?
We stayed for the California Adventure Water Show.
It was pure Disney magic.
I was gonna see that with him.
How was I supposed to know that?
It's all right.
I'll see it again with you.
And I have food here.
You said you were gonna call.
I know, I know.
I can still eat.
No, you already threw up once.
Go put on your PJs and brush your teeth.
Okay, but just don't fight.
We're not fighting.
Just go.
Aren't you gonna thank Penny for taking you to Disneyland?
Thank you, Penny.
You're welcome, sweetie.
Want a cup of coffee?
Oh, um, I should probably get going.
Come on, it's just a cup of coffee.
Yeah, the whole thing seems a little twisted to me, too.
What am I smelling?
Sheldon's churro on my shoes.
I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Okay.
When you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
We had dinner last night.
She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it.
Fine.
Why did you have dinner with Penny?
I told you she made spaghetti with little hot dogs.
I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
I didn't want to upset you.
Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Is it possible he said bros before hoes?
Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hoes.
Hold.
What?
Explain your sneeze.
I'm sorry?
Do you have allergies?
No.
Is there too much pepper on your salad?
I don't put pepper on salads.
I've heard enough.
Sit over there.
Come on.
I don't want to sit by myself.
That's what Typhoid Mary said, and clearly her friends buckled.
Guys, help me.
Sheldon, come on.
Yeah, it's just one sneeze.
You're on your own.
See you, buddy.
Yes, Raj?
When can I sit with you again?
When I've seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart.
You know the drill.
All right, if you'll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.
I can't believe he's friends with Elizabeth Plimpton.
I can't believe they let him into Canada.
Whoa, you heard the man.
Where's your throat cultures?
Kidding.
Sit down.
Where's Christy?
In the shower.
Oh, by the way, where did you get that loofah mitt?
Yours reaches places that mine just won't.
You used my loofah?
More precisely, we used your loofah.
I exfoliated her brains out.
You can keep that, too.
Ah, well, then we'll probably need to talk about your stuffed bear collection.
Howard?
In here, m'lady.
Mmm.
There's my little engine that could.
Chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka.
There's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
This is Lalita Gupta.
Lalita, this is Leonard and Sheldon and Howard and Penny.
Isn't it great?
She isn't fat anymore.
Forgive me, Your Highness, for I am but a monkey, and it is in my nature to climb.
I did not mean to gaze upon you as you comb your hair.
I'm sorry?
You are the living embodiment of the beautiful Princess Panchali.
Oh, no kidding.
Who is that? a beloved character from an Indian folk tale.
Oh.
Us Indian or come to our casino, Indian?
You Indian.
Oh.
The resemblance is remarkable.
I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
Well, thanks.
I imagine you smell very nice, too.
I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
Really?
So do I. But you're a dentist.
He's nuts.
Don't be insulting, Rajesh.
So, Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
It was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.
Oh, my.
Back off, Sheldon.
What?
If you do not stop hitting on my lady, you will feel the full extent of my wrath.
Hitting on her?
And I am not your lady.
And you have no wrath.
You are my lady.
Our parents said so.
We are for all intents and purposes 100% hooked up.
Okay, let's get something straight here.
The only reason I came tonight was to get my parents off my case.
I certainly don't need to be getting this old-world crap from you.
That's exactly the kind of spirit with which Princess Panchali led the monkeys to freedom.
Oh, screw Princess Panchali.
Hey, you can't talk to me like that.
But you're not Princess Panchali.
Luckily for you, she could have you beheaded.
Charlene, are you hungry?
I could eat.
Let's go.
I'm uncomfortable having been included in your lie to Penny.
What was I supposed to say?
You could have told her the truth.
That would have hurt her feelings.
Is that a relevant factor?
Yes. then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
And what would I have said afterwards?
I would suggest something to the effect of singing is neither an appropriate vocation nor avocation for you.
And if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look for a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain.
I couldn't say that.
I would have to say, you were terrific, and I can't wait to hear you sing again.
Why?
It's the social protocol.
It's what you do when you have a friend who's proud of something they really suck at.
I was not aware of that.
Well, now you are.
Oh.
All right.
Leonard?
Yes?
When we played chess earlier, you were terrific, and I can't wait to play you again.
Good night.
This is amazing.
Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman.
Not being drunk or high or wondering if you're a dude down there.
Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy.
You're gonna do okay.
One day at a time, Penny.
One day at a time.
How long is he going to stay here?
He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard.
Where is he going to go?
Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women.
All he has to do now is hook up with one of them.
Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
Okay, we cannot leave this to chance.
Let's pick a girl and figure out how to get her together with Dennis.
Okay.
How about that one?
Uh-uh.
I know the type.
Cheerleader.
Student council goes out with the jocks, won't even look at anybody in the gifted program.
And if, after two years of begging, she does agree to go out with you?
It turns out to be a setup and you're in the backseat of your mom's car with your pants off, while the whole football team laughs at you.
Are you crying?
No, I have allergies.
Okay.
Oh, hey, how about her?
Sure.
She wants to spend a couple years doing her homework while she drinks herself into a stupor with non-fat white Russians.
You're the one holding her head out of the toilet while she's puking and telling you she wishes more guys were like you.
And then she gets into Cornell because you wrote her essay for her and you drive up to visit her one weekend and she acts like she doesn't even know you.
Okay, so not her either.
Could I have everyone's attention, please?
What a wonderful occasion this is.
And how fortunate that it should happen to fall on Take Your Daughter to Work Day.
We're here to welcome Mr. Dennis Kim to our little family.
Welcome, Dennis Kim.
Mr Kim was not only the valedictorian at Stanford University, he is also the youngest recipient of the prestigious Stevenson Award.
Youngest till the cyborgs rise up.
And now, without any further ado, let me introduce the man of the hour, Mr. Dennis Kim.
Dennis?
Dennis?
What?
Would you like to tell us a little bit about your upcoming research?
No, thanks.
I'm going to the mall with Emma.
The kid got a girl.
Unbelievable.
Did anyone see how he did it?
Unbelievable.
Components I built are on the International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the police.
Woman, you have to frisk me.
I have another rocket in my pants.
Hey, look at that.
It's Dennis Kim.
Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
Yeah, we really ruined his life.
Screw him, he was weak.
Take him down.
He's got you, Sheldon.
Come on.
Hey, guys, guys.
Some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
It's called tressling.
It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
Yeah, that's terrific.
But what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out.
All right, come on, guys.
Come on.
Happy birthday to you.
We might as well stop.
It's a stalemate.
You're beating me in Tetris, but you've got the upper body strength of a Keebler elf.
Keebler elf?
I go to Keebler elf right here.
Okay, it's a stalemate.
Excuse me.
Do you know anything about this stuff?
I know everything about this stuff.
Okay.
I have my own wholesale flower business and I want to hook up my computer in the front entrance with the one in my refrigerated warehouse.
Here, buy this one.
Look, it's the one we're getting.
See?
Happy guy.
No, no, no, no.
She doesn't want that.
She needs a point-to-point peer network with a range extender.
Thank you.
Which hard drive do I want?
FireWire or USB?
It depends on what bus you have available.
I drive a Chevy Cavalier.
Oh, dear Lord.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Not now.
Penny, this poor man needs me.
You, hold on.
I'll be right with you.
What computer do you have?
And please don't say a white one.
Okay, we don't have that in stock.
But I can special order it for you.
Him.
Excuse me, sir.
You don't work here.
Yes, well, apparently neither does anyone else.
Sheldon, we have to go.
Why?
Well, for one thing, we're late for Leonard's birthday party and for another, I told him to call security.
Good luck.
By the way, a six-year-old could hack your computer system.
Keep walking.
Yeah, 1234 is not a secure password.
So are the rest of the guys meeting this year?
Oh, yeah.
No.
Well, it turns out that Raj and Howard had to work and Sheldon had a colonoscopy and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
My uncle just had a colonoscopy.
You're kidding.
Well, that's something we have in common.
How?
We both have people in our lives who want to nip intestinal polyps in the butt.
So what's new in the world of physics?
Nothing.
Really?
Nothing?
Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930s.
And you can't prove string theory.
At best, you can say, hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.
Hey, do you want to see something cool?
I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
How?
Physics.
Wow.
Centripetal force.
Actually, it's centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive.
If you were riding on the olive, you'd be in a non-inertial reference frame and would, Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Did you spill ketchup?
No.
I'm not okay.
All right, I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings.
We flank the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Not so fast.
Remember, the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
No, no, no, no.
Orcs are magic.
Superman is vulnerable to magic.
Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
All right, you guys ready to order?
Hang on, honey.
Shiva and Ganesh?
The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
And orcs.
I'll be back.
Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and Shiva's the destroyer.
When the smoke clears, Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
All right, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
Hey, Leslie.
Careful, Leonard.
Liquid nitrogen, 320 degrees below zero.
Burn.
Why are you smashing a flash frozen banana?
Because I got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn't find a knife.
So anyway... Hello.
Uh, what are you doing?
Just extending the intimacy.
Hey, do you want to slip over to the radiation lab and share our decontamination shower?
Okay, uh, what exactly do you think's going on between us?
I'm not sure, but I think I'm about to discover how the banana felt.
Listen, Leonard, neither of us are neuroscientists, but we both understand the biochemistry of sex.
I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses, causing pleasure.
You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button.
He'll push that thing until he starves to death.
Who wouldn't?
The only difference between us and the rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus.
That's where you come in.
Yeah, well, I'm just glad to be a part of it.
So what happens now?
Well, I don't know about your sex drive, but I'm probably good till New Year's.
Oh.
Okay.
Thank you.
Thank you.
One day at a time, Penny.
One day at a time.
How long is he going to stay here?
He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard.
Where is he going to go?
Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.