Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
You know today I wanted to talk to you about six subtle ways that you're being disrespected right now and this is such an important topic because I'm sure you felt it.
There's tension in the air, right?
Everywhere you go. I don't know if it's the headlines or the fact that everybody is so stressed out or the news is so negative, but the impatience of people when they're waiting in lines, the folks that you see like getting frustrated with waiters and folks working in customer service or the nurse trying to take care of a family member, it's like this negativity is vibrating everywhere.
And I want you to know you're not crazy.
The disrespect that you're starting to feel, the immaturity that you're encountering, it is higher than it's been in the past couple of months.
It does seem like gossip is ticking up.
People are talking over you at work, and at the dinner table.
And the reason is simple, people are less patient.
They're stressed out.
They're angrier, they're overwhelmed.
And stress seems to be the baseline now for all communication.
Do you know what that means?
It means that people's fight or flight responses are revved up.
And that's why it seems like everybody's on edge.
And I'm not trying to blame, stress, or excuse away bad behavior.
In fact, I want to do the opposite today.
I want to validate what you're feeling, and I want to empower you by highlighting six subtle ways that you're being disrespected at work, at home, in your relationship.
And more importantly, we're not only going to highlight these six subtle ways, I'm going to give you the research -packed methods and tools to call it out, to diffuse it, to protect your time, to protect your energy, because while you may be feeling it, you don't have to live like this because yeah, people's fuses are short right now and it does feel like the world is at a simmer and it's ready to boil and everybody is stressed out.
But here's what I want you to know.
You don't have to go through your day to day life feeling like you're being disrespected because the way people treat you, that's the reflection of them.
But what you allow, that's on you.
And today, you're gonna learn these six subtle ways that people are disrespecting you, and more importantly, exactly what to do about it.
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See you next week. Hey, it's your friend Mel and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast.
First of all, I am so excited you're here.
I am fired up about what we're going to talk about today.
It's always such an honor to spend time with you and to be together.
And if you're a new listener, I want to take a moment and personally welcome you to the Mel Robbins Podcast family.
So glad you're here.
And because you made the time to hit play and listen to this particular episode, I know you're the kind of person who values your time.
And your time and energy is the single most important resource that you have.
I mean, what you pour your energy into, how you spend your time, it determines what your life feels like.
And today you and I are gonna talk about six subtle ways that people are draining your energy, wasting your time.
These are six subtle ways that you're being disrespected, and these six things that we're going to talk about, as you hear them and as I unpack them, you're going to realize, wow, these are things that I experience almost every single day, and you may not realize that they are actually forms of disrespect, or maybe if you realize it's happening and it's kind of annoying or it bothers you, you just don't know how to handle it, right?
Because there's this real balance when you're being disrespected between how you respond versus whether or not it's even worth your energy.
And you and I are gonna unpack that.
In fact, what we're gonna do today is we're gonna tee up each one of these six subtle forms of disrespect.
We're gonna do it one by one.
And then we're gonna unpack them.
And I'm gonna explain why these six things drain energy and steal your time.
And then we're gonna look at the options that you have in any situation.
Whether you're at work, whether you're at home.
Wherever it is that these forms of disrespect showing up after our conversation today, you're not only gonna be able to see it coming, you're gonna know exactly what to do or what not to do when it happens.
And one other thing I wanted to say before we jump in is that if somebody in your life shared this episode with you and that's why you hit play and you're listening to it, that's amazing.
Because they listened to it, they loved it, and they shared it with you because they care about you.
And knowing that you have people that care about you in your life, that's a really cool thing.
And you happen to have somebody who also wants you to be treated with more respect, and you deserve that.
Now one of the reasons why I wanted to talk about this is because I feel like with the level of stress that people experience in life today and the headlines and the pressure everybody feels, that there is this massive kind of uptick in disrespectful or immature or just downright rude behavior.
And you may be seeing it too.
That people are just super impatient.
They're kind of rude to each other.
In fact, something happened to me the other day.
And I'm sure we're going to be able to relate to this story, where I experienced extremely disrespectful behavior.
And when someone is really disrespectful, I'm talking rude or just kind of immature or they sound off.
It's obvious, right?
And we all kind of like, uh, noted.
In fact, something like that happened to me the other day and when I tell you the story, I'm sure you're going to go, oh, I've had something like that happen recently.
So I was on a plane and I was sitting in my seat and my seatmate kind of came in and she sat down and she had a small dog with her and she had the dog in a, you know, like one of those traveling cases that people take their dogs on.
And she was trying to put the case underneath the seat and it wasn't fitting.
And I don't travel with a dog, so I don't know the deal with dog carrier cases, but the thing had mesh on the side and it seemed kind of squishy, and the dog was really, really, really cute and really tiny.
And so she's trying to put it under the seat, and the stewards that are working on the plane, they came by and they were saying, you know what, that seems a little big.
I think that's going to be too big to put under the seat.
And the woman starts to get very flustered, and she's kind of shaking her shoulders, Now it's gonna fit, it's gonna fit, and the person working on the plane said, Well, let me see if I can help you, and they kind of bend down, and the one's like, I got it, and you can tell that her tone is now getting agitated.
Now keep in mind, the person's trying to help.
The plane is getting ready to close the doors.
She's kind of ruffling around in her seat, and the person says, Well, if we just turn it on its side, I bet you could slide it in a little bit more because you can't have it sticking out right there in front of you.
And the woman is like, huffing and puffing.
And so the steward's like, well, here, let me help you.
And the woman's like, nah, nah, I got it.
And kind of pushes the carrier in.
And the little dog kind of bends down a little bit.
And it fits. And that was that.
And as the steward stood, stands up, he says to her, well, how about if I take her coat?
Because she had this huge coat, right?
So as the steward stands up, because they've helped get the dog carrier underneath the seat and the woman's got this huge coat on her lap and the person says, hey, would it help if I hang up your coat?
And the woman turns to him and says, absolutely not.
It was so hostile and this was aimed at a human being who was trying to help her.
And I don't know about you, but when I experience a person like that, I am so interested in protecting my piece that unless they're hurting somebody or discriminating against them or just really creating a ruckus, I'm like, okay, let's put up a force field.
I'm gonna protect my energy from this person because I'm now seeing data.
This person is very emotionally immature.
She's very disrespectful.
She gets overwhelmed by her emotions, she definitely feels entitled and above any of the rules here.
And when she gets overwhelmed, she lashes out at other people.
And I'm going to stop the story right there because, who knows what was going on in her world?
Who knows if she's got a lot going on?
I tend to just assume good intent, but I don't think because you're stressed out, that gives you the right to be disrespectful to other people.
Particularly, other people are just trying to do their jobs and just trying to help you.
But I take that as data, very disrespectful, overwhelmed by emotions, I'm going to stay clear and I'm going to protect my energy.
Because that's one of the first things that you and I are going to talk about is that when you're dealing with disrespect you get to decide if this is worth your energy or not.
You get to decide if you're going to be the world's manners police or you're going to be the person that enforces the rules.
You get to decide whether or not you call people out.
And so in this situation I'm strapped to my seat.
I have to sit next to this person for two hours.
And so I make a decision, well, I'm just going to let her be disrespectful.
I'm going to let me choose not to say anything to her.
And then I'm also going to let me over -index and be super kind to the steward that's working on this plane, right?
Because I feel bad for this person.
I mean, they're just doing their job and they've got this entitled jerk sitting there on the plane acting as if their problems are somehow everybody else's fault and as I tell you this story, you can probably recall an incident recently where somebody was just going crazy at a customer service rep or maybe somebody was rude to a waiter or maybe your family gets really agitated when the news is on and they start yelling at the TV or talking to each other and this really tone of voice and you kind of feel it in your skin can't you?
When somebody gets that sort of, Ugh, just really disrespectful, and emotionally immature energy around them, and I'm a really, generally nice person, but this is the kind of thing I can't tolerate, I can't tolerate it when people are rude and mean to other people, because we're all just trying our best.
You know in fact as we were talking about this, I have a friend who works on the team who is saying, I totally get it.
And her dad is in a nursing home, her dad just had a stroke, needs around the clock care, and he is very demanding.
And if you have somebody in your life, whether it's a grandparent or a parent who's getting older and they're starting to do that sun setting thing and they are throwing the temper tantrums and they get really nasty and kinda angry with people around them, it's like embarrassing because you've got a grown ass adult throwing temper tantrums and saying things that are disrespectful.
And if you're the family member, it's like, you're standing by and you're like, oh my God, I cannot believe this person is acting like this.
And the tendency in these situations, especially when it's family, right?
Is to just be like, oh I'm really, really sorry, I'm really, really sorry.
And what I loved about my friends' approach is she just pulled the nurse aside and was like, he's a tough old bastard.
I guess you and I are in this together.
I really appreciate you taking care of him and being calm, it means a lot.
And so I'm telling you these two stories because I'm sure you've experienced this kind of dynamic, right?
where nobody is gonna debate you.
Is that disrespectful?
Is it not disrespectful or are they out of line?
Are they not out of line?
We all agree. The behavior's out of line.
And maybe you're experiencing this kind of thing at work.
You got a boss that's a yeller and it's constantly barfing their stress out on everyone else, not cool.
You got a family member that is so volatile with their emotions and then is passive aggressive or has a silent treatment or their mood sends the entire family dynamic into a tailspin.
And we all know it's disrespectful, we all know that they're acting immature, and I also want to validate something.
There is a massive uptick in this kind of disrespectful behavior.
Like if you're really noticing that people seem on edge, I want to tell you, you're right.
And one of the reasons why people seem on edge right now and why they're being more disrespectful and they're not being as polite and they're impatient and they're snapping is because people are operating at levels of chronic stress.
Which means they're in a constant state of fight or flight.
Now I'm not saying that to justify any kind of disrespect.
I'm saying it because if you're feeling like, my God, like everybody's on edge and everybody's like super emotional and people are giving people the silent treatment and what is up with this?
You're not the only one that's feeling this.
And so in these big moments, One of the things I want to remind you is your peace is worth protecting.
And I have found more and more and more that when I find somebody out in public, or I find a family member who is acting with overt disrespect, I'm just like, let them.
And here's one thing I want to clear up.
When you say, let them, you're not just letting somebody be disrespectful, that's not what this is.
They're already disrespectful, they've already yelled, they're already in their mood.
When you say, let them, you're not allowing anything.
You're calling it out.
You're calling it out to yourself, and you're drawing a boundary, and you're saying, let them be disrespectful, let them be immature.
Let them use that tone of voice, because I recognize that this is not worth my energy, and I'm not going to try to control it.
Let me remind myself that I'm not the parent to another adult.
Let me remind myself, I can leave this store, I can leave this dining room table, I can and leave this conversation.
Let me remind myself that I don't have to be the parent to this woman sitting next to me on the airplane.
I can just sit quietly here and be kind and project positive energy.
And that's how I protect myself.
I'm not allowing anything.
I'm actually protecting myself from it.
And so don't mistake saying, let them with you allowing something to happen.
Let them as recognizing who a person is and spotting emotional immaturity for what it is.
something that other people engage in, but it is not your responsibility to change in someone else.
You can choose to, but I'm finding over and over and over again, these days I'm choosing not to because I wanna stay in my peace.
But that brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about today.
Because in these big moments where somebody explodes or they're just downright rude, it's really obvious.
but there are six very subtle ways that people disrespect you right now and these are things that sort of slide under the radar.
They're the kinds of things that don't feel good but you're not quite sure how to respond, or if it's worth a response.
And I'm going to tell you something.
You and I are gonna unpack these six subtle ways that people are disrespecting you because I want you to understand that seeing it and choosing what you do in response to it is how you start to respect yourself and how you start to respect your time and your energy.
And what we're going to do is I'm going to tee these up one by one and then you and I are going to unpack them and we're going to talk about the tools that you need.
And those tools, they range from specific things that you can say to just recognizing what's happening and choosing to protect your peace.
So let's take them one by one.
The first subtle form of disrespect is when someone is talking over you because the fact is if someone talks over you, they have no interest in listening to what you have to say.
I'm going to say that again, if someone talks over you, they have no interest in listening to what you have to say, that's disrespectful.
It means they don't care about what you have to say.
They care more about what they have to say, which is why they're talking over you.
And so when this happens, and it happens a lot at work, in fact women experience this more than men.
This can be a chronic problem at work, it can be a chronic problem in your family, it can be a problem in your friend group, and I want you to recognize it for what it is.
It means that the person doesn't care to hear what you have to say.
And that's a form of disrespect.
And there's some really interesting research around this because when it happens you're kind of like, did they not hear me talking?
And you kind of feel a little shut down.
Well, here's what we're going to do instead.
So if somebody starts talking over you, whether you're sitting at a meeting at work, the advice is going to be exactly the same.
This comes from research from Harvard Business Review, really interesting article that was written by Harrison Monarth.
And what you're going to do if somebody starts talking over you, you're in a meeting, you're talking, all of a sudden, John starts talking over you.
First things first, keep talking.
Just keep talking. And a real power move, and you can hear me doing it now, Slow down.
So as you're talking, slow down.
And the second thing that you're going to do, and this comes from this article, that Harrison Monarth, a New York Times bestselling author and coach who's quoted in this Harvard Business Review article says, use their name.
So let me give an example.
Mike, I'm gonna finish my point.
This is an important topic and I just wanted to make sure that everyone's informed and I'll be glad to get your feedback Mike after I've shared my perspective.
But I'd like to make sure you actually hear my perspective first.
Boom, holy cow. You know what happens when you do that?
Nobody knows what to say because you didn't stop talking and if the person keeps talking you over, Mom, I'm gonna finish my point.
I'll be glad to hear your feedback, Mom, after I've shared my perspective, but I'd actually like to make sure you hear my perspective first, and then Mom, I'd love to hear yours.
Whoa, I mean, that's pretty amazing, isn't it?
You don't have to stop talking.
You don't have to give in.
You had the floor. Don't let your brothers and your sisters or some colleague talk over you.
And then when you're done talking, here's the final thing you do.
You know, Mom, I know you had some thoughts earlier.
What would you like to share, Mom?
Or, you know, Mike, I know you were trying to insert your ideas earlier.
I would love to hear what you have to say now, Mike.
Talk about just a confident and calm and emotionally mature response because I'm going to say it again.
is somebody is chronically talking over you, whether it's your family or your friends or someone at work, they have actually no interest in listening to what you have to say.
That's disrespectful.
And if somebody doesn't respect what you have to say, stop giving them power.
You need to respect what you have to say enough to keep on talking, that's why you keep going.
And using their name stops them.
Mike, mom, dad. hey everyone!
I'd be happy to hear what you have to say when I'm done sharing what I'd like to say." That commands the room.
You know what I love about this strategy is that you're holding your power.
See, respect starts with you and when you use this strategy, that you just keep talking and if the person doesn't shut up as you are slowly talking, because what's gonna happen when two people are talking, whether you're at a dinner table or you're out at a restaurant or you're sitting at a meeting at work, is everybody else starts to get uncomfortable because they're not quite sure who to listen to.
So they're gonna start looking around and the person that interrupted you is going to start talking louder, but as you just quietly keep talking and you slow down and then at some point you're gonna start to feel a little annoyed that the person is starting to talk louder then you drop in the name Mike mom and that gets their attention and then you redirect be happy to hear your thoughts but this is an important thing I wanted to share and before you share your reaction I actually like you to hear what I want to say.
Now you're respecting yourself and that's the cue to everybody else to respect what you have to say.
And then you do the super power move by going, OK, so Mike, what did you want to say about that?
Or OK, so mom, what was your opinion about what we should all do for dad's birthday?
And now you're not just respecting what you have to say, but you're also acting with a level of maturity, and you're inviting people to say what they need to say.
I just absolutely love this.
And you can practice this, and the more you practice this, the better you're going to get, but just keep talking.
then say their name, and then when you're done talking, boom, you just ask them what they wanted to say.
And that's the way you show you self -respect and you shut down any disrespect.
Now let's talk about the second way that people subtly disrespect you, and that's by dismissing your feelings.
And this is one of those things that can happen so quickly.
You're like, wait, what just happened?
Where they're like, you know, you don't need to be so sensitive.
I didn't mean it that way.
Like, why do you have to get so worked up?
You know, you always get upset by it.
Like, people dismissing your feelings or your reaction.
And if somebody questions how you feel, it means they don't care how you feel.
That's why dismissing your feelings is a form of disrespect.
Because if they're gonna question you and be like, you know, you don't need to get that upset, and they're gonna question your response, then they clearly don't care how you feel.
They don't care how their behavior impacts you.
And so, here are some things that you can do because the truth is, your feelings do matter.
And while somebody may be doing something and they didn't intend to hurt your feelings, it's not about what they intended.
If somebody truly cares about you, they're gonna care about the impact that their behavior had on you.
Do you see the difference?
And, you know, for me, this is an area where I feel like, as a parent in particular, I've been kind of like the Bigfoot steppin' on people's feelings.
I didn't intend to hurt anybody's feelings.
I didn't intend to invalidate people's feelings.
But in my desire to want somebody to feel better, I'm like, oh, it's not gonna be that bad.
You're gonna be okay.
Like I'm actually dismissing how somebody feels.
And so this is an area where I've done a lot of work where I'm trying not to be disrespectful how people feel or how my behavior might have impacted them or how my desire for somebody to wanna feel better actually dismisses their feelings, I'm not giving them the space to feel how they feel.
And so again, the reason why this is disrespectful is because if someone questions how you feel, if somebody dismisses how you feel, if somebody is trying to fast forward you through your feelings, it means they don't really care how you feel.
And that's so important because you need to care about how you feel.
And there's some really important research for why this matters, because I think it's easy to tell yourself you're too sensitive.
It's easy for you to turn this back on yourself and blame yourself for the kind of reactions you have.
We're all so scared about getting emotional.
I think a large reason why is many of us had a childhood where you were constantly invalidated and your feelings were dismissed.
Don't cry, it's not that big of a deal, I never said that, all that kind of stuff that teaches you, it's just not safe for you to have feelings.
And so if this is happening to you in your relationship, at work, in your friendships as an adult, you have to start to care how you feel.
Because when people question it or they brush it aside, it's a sign that they don't really care and they don't have the capacity to give you the space to feel what you feel but you got to give yourself the space it starts with you and so I love some of the research here because it lifts up this topic in terms of its level of importance and this one's so subtle that I just want to call out some of the phrases that are a sign that somebody is dismissing your feelings and they're disrespecting you.
So if you've ever had somebody say to you you're so sensitive Or you're overreacting.
I mean, this is not a big deal.
Why is this such a big deal?
Or why does this have to cause such a problem?
Why is everything with you an issue?
Or do you think this is bad?
Like, people have bigger problems than this.
I don't know why you're upset about this.
When somebody says that to you, it means they actually don't care how you feel.
You're an inconvenience and your feelings are now a bother to them and they don't want to have to deal with it.
And so, this is a big deal and let me tell you why.
There was a study done by Gregory Wachowski at Walden University.
This is what's called emotional invalidation.
And the research is very clear on this.
When your emotions are brushed aside, you're overreacting, this isn't a big deal.
It doesn't just sting in the moment, it can have lasting effects.
Constantly facing this kind of emotional invalidation, Here's what it does.
It leads to increased stress, anxiety, even depression.
And it also chips away at your confidence and your ability to handle life's ups and downs.
And it can make challenges feel even more overwhelming.
Why? Well, I'll tell you why.
Because if you've got somebody in your life that's constantly going, why is this such a big deal, you're overreacting?
Why are you so sensitive about everything?
I never meant it that way.
Why How do you have to get so upset about everything?
When that constantly happens to you, you then start to question whether or not your feelings are valid.
So first, you have somebody invalidating you because they don't wanna deal with your emotions.
And now you start to wonder, am I the problem?
Am I too sensitive?
Maybe I shouldn't say anything.
So you start to shut down your emotions.
And what I want you to do is the exact opposite.
I want you to validate your emotions.
So, the next time that somebody does this to you, you're feeling something, you're upset about something, something's bothering you, you're working through something and somebody has the disrespectful approach of going, why is this such a big deal?
Why are you so sensitive?
You are going to validate your own emotions.
I'm going to give you two sentences that I love, these come from my buddy Jefferson Fisher, He's a bestselling author.
He is an expert at handling difficult people.
He's also a trial lawyer.
Here's what he recommends you do when somebody dismisses your feelings and disrespects you.
You validate your feelings by saying this, I get to decide, I feel how I feel.
And the way that I like to say, let me decide how I feel.
So the next time somebody says you're too sensitive.
I feel how I feel. Why are you reacting?
Let me decide how I'm going to react to this.
Isn't that powerful?
Instead of waiting for somebody else to give your emotion space and validate them, let me validate them for myself.
Let me decide how I feel.
It's so empowering.
And you know, I'm going to say something as a parent, this is something that I'm working on because, you know, I find it very difficult when one of my kids is struggling with something and they're upset about something.
I just want to do everything in my power to make it go away and I can see, especially as I've been thinking about this conversation we're going to have today, that there's probably a lot of times where my kids have gotten worked up about something and now I know they decide how they feel.
They get to feel how they feel and my is not to call them sensitive or not to tell them it's gonna be okay or not to like try to rush them through anything and invalidate where they're at let me just give them space to feel how they feel instead of labeling it which is a form of disrespect I can see this is very difficult for you what can I do to support you I can see that you're upset by this how can I help I can see that what I said really hurts your feelings.
I apologize, I did not mean to hurt your feelings but I can see how my words impacted you and I am sorry, I'll do better.
What I love about this is that whether you're the one that tends to step on people's feelings because you don't like it when people are emotional and it gets you upset when people are emotional and when people are anxious, you get anxious, understood.
That's a normal thing to feel.
And using these tools, we can recognize when we're the ones, oh, you're being too sensitive.
I never said that. Stop yourself from saying it.
Let them feel how they feel.
And let me be more respectful and acknowledge their feelings, give them the space to feel it, and then ask how I can be supportive.
That's how you can use this tool to not be disrespectful.
And it's also how you can use this tool when it's happening to you to validate your own emotions and say, I get to feel how I feel.
I have a lot of big feelings about this topic and I cannot wait to jump into the third subtle way that people are disrespecting you, you're gonna love this.
You're gonna be like, oh my god, oh my god, it's so true, Mel.
So don't go anywhere.
We're gonna take a real short break.
Please share this with people that you care about because we all need to learn how to respect ourselves more and to call this kind of behavior out and we're going to do that when we return with the third subtle way that people are disrespecting you.
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Welcome back! It's your buddy Mel Robbins, and today you and I are unpacking six subtle ways that people are disrespecting you.
Now we've already talked about how people talk over you and what to do about it, how They dismiss your feelings.
And the third subtle way that people are disrespecting you is by always being late.
And this topic, always being late gives me some big feelings and oh gosh, as we jump into it, because I have been guilty of this for a large part of my life.
And so I am gonna unpack this one, both as somebody who sees it as a form of disrespect and somebody who is working on this so that I'm not disrespecting other people.
Because here's the truth.
Someone who's never on time doesn't value your time.
And see, if they don't value your time, then whose job is it to value your time?
It's yours. Like you can't expect other people to respect your time if you don't protect your time and you don't value it yourself.
And here's the thing that I want you to understand.
As somebody who used to chronically be late, I never thought about this from the standpoint of how my lateness is a sign that I don't value someone else's time.
I was always constantly making myself wrong for being late that I clearly don't value my own time because I'm not respecting it.
And a lot of people who run late are so caught up in their own dysfunction that they don't even think about the impact that their lateness has on other people.
I mean, you've experienced it, right?
Somebody breezes in 10, 15 minutes late, it's like a kind of windstorm entering the room or pig pen from the Peanuts cartoon with just like a dust storm around them.
And then there's always this like three minute explanation about traffic or this or that or the other thing.
And now they're disrespecting your time even more because they're taking up more time to explain exactly why they're late.
And when you take a minute and you really think about this, but you have a meeting or you said you had made a certain place.
And you're now waiting there.
And you've shown up on time.
You've valued your time.
You valued the other person's time.
And the fact that the person isn't there is disrespectful.
And so there's two ways that I want to unpack this.
Okay, because you may be listening and thinking, oh my gosh, I'm the one that's late.
And I'm always texting on my way, and you haven't left the house yet.
or I'll be there in five minutes and it's actually gonna be 17.
So let's talk about it if you're that person.
Like I used to be that person chronically.
If you're waking up and going, oh gosh, I've never thought about this as a way where I'm disrespecting other people.
I've always just thought about this as me just being a mess and not being punctual and always running late.
When you really start to invert this about not wasting other people's time and not being disrespectful, it does change the motivation for why it matters to be on time.
Because if you're not going to do it for you, thinking about the fact that you're being disrespectful to other people might just motivate you to change because of what your behavior is communicating to them.
And one move that has really helped me a lot, not only thinking about about how you're disrespecting other people's time.
And it's a disrespectful thing to do to constantly run late and to constantly think that you're more important than everybody else and to constantly think that people are gonna wait for you, is instead of rolling in late and being like, sorry, sorry, sorry, and then having some explanation that somehow justifies it, you had something more important to do than to be there on time, which is kind of what you're doing, right?
You're blaming circumstances for why you couldn't be there, Which means you're almost more important, and so are those circumstances than the people's time who have been waiting for you.
One thing that's changed my life has been to learn to say, thank you.
When you are late, and you walk in, the only thing to say to people is thank you for your patience, and then sit down and let the meeting go.
That's it. No explanation, because the explanation is somehow told to absolve you.
You're late. That's what happened.
Thank you for your patience.
Acknowledges that you are late and by thanking them, you put the value on the other people.
By thanking them, you actually elevate everybody else above you.
And by thinking them, you are valuing the grace that people just extended to you.
You're not making an excuse for the fact that you held everybody up.
You are acknowledging the power in other people.
And it shifts something in you.
Because you're also acknowledging that you are late.
And so it will change you when you do that.
Now, if you're the one who's constantly being disrespected, Then the only thing that there is to do, in my opinion, that makes a difference, because what do we know you can't change another person?
All you can do is take responsibility for what you need to communicate.
So as much as it pains me to tell you this, you're gonna let them be late.
You're gonna let them run late.
You're gonna let them do what they're gonna do because you can't change them.
But then you gotta go to the let me part of the let them theory.
And you got to look at what you can control.
And what you can control is you can control what you do or don't do in response.
You can control what you think about this and what you say about this.
And I remember a couple of years ago, my husband sat me down and basically said, it's completely unacceptable how you chronically run late, because it tells me that you don't respect my time.
It tells me that I'm not a priority.
And here is my request.
If you are running late and you can see that your day is stacking up, tell me as soon as you know that you're not going to be on time because then I can decide if I want to continue to go to this thing.
Because again, a lot of people that run late have a story about always being late.
And it's not until somebody actually has the conversation, which is, you're disrespecting me.
Do you know how disrespectful it is for you to constantly be 15 minutes late?
If you can't show up at the reservation until 715, let's not make the reservation for seven o 'clock.
Like start to act like an adult and respect my time.
And if you know that you're telling me a time and you're actually managing being there a half an hour late, then let's be honest about what time you're actually gonna be there.
And what was interesting about that is that as somebody that was chronically running late, being called out for disrespecting my husband actually motivated me to want to change it.
Being called out about this sort of what he called Mel Time which is my propensity to think that I can actually take a shower, blow dry my hair, get dressed and be out the door for something we need to go to in about three minutes.
Being called out that that is a form of disrespect because I'm gaslighting myself and I'm also now holding him in hostage while I'm not planning accordingly.
It made me get honest with myself about how much time I actually need, and it's a lot more than I was planning for.
Here's one more move.
Don't wait. If they miss the ferry, they miss the ferry.
Go on without them.
If they miss the movie, they miss the movie.
Go on without them.
If the play starts and they can't get in until intermission, go in without them.
Just because they're late doesn't have to make you late.
And so this is why it's important that you call this out with the people that are chronically late because nobody that's chronically late actually is even thinking about how they're disrespecting you.
They're so caught up in their own inability to do this that they don't have a higher level of motivation to actually fix it.
And so my request of you is not only do I want you to be on time I want you to be five minutes early because it's a form of respect and I value my time and I value your time and that's why I'm taking the time to tell you the truth about this.
You know what? I value your time enough to tell you that we got three more subtle ways that people are disrespecting you.
You're gonna love these three.
You're gonna love the advice.
We're gonna get into them after a very short break.
Take a moment and share this with people that you care about and don't go anywhere because when you hear the fourth way People are just respecting you.
It's going to blow your mind.
Stay with me. I've never felt like this before.
It's like you just get me.
I feel like my true self with you.
Does that sound crazy?
And it doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous.
Okay, that's it. I'm taking you home with me.
I mean, you can't find shoes this good.
just anywhere. Find a shoe for every you from brands you love like Birkenstock, Nike, Adidas and more at your DSW store or dsw .com.
Welcome back, it's your buddy Mel Robbins and today you and I are talking about six subtle ways that people are disrespecting you and what to do about it.
So we've already covered what to do with people who are talking over you at work, or at home.
We've talked about how you can show respect to yourself when somebody is dismissing your feelings.
And we've also talked at length about what to do when somebody doesn't value your time and they're always running late.
Now I want to jump in to the fourth subtle way that people disrespect you, and it's by giving you the silent treatment.
You need to stop punishing people for things you never asked for in the first place.
And yes, when you hear the word silent treatment, And you tend to just default to thinking of like the real hardcore versions of the silent treatment, you know, where somebody ghosts you or you have some sort of uncomfortable situation and they just stop talking to you like a child for weeks or months or a year, like just ghost you and don't have the conversation.
Or maybe you're dealing with somebody who when they get mad at you, they just stop talking and you don't even know why.
You don't even know why.
And the silent treatment, it's so destructive.
Like the psychiatrists and psychologists that study it and write about it, talk about it as a form of emotional abuse, because you are withdrawing your love and punishing somebody with silence, because you don't like something that they did.
But there's a much more subtle and destructive form of the silent treatment that is destroying your relationships.
It's like a death by a thousand cuts.
And the more subtle way that people use the silent treatment is by being silent about what you want or need.
I mean how many times have you had someone who's annoyed with you or mad with you and you have no idea why they're mad with you, they just have this weird energy.
You know you left the house earlier, you were going to go play golf or go shopping with your girlfriends and then you come back and it's weird.
Like you can tell they're pissed, their body language has changed, they're not looking at you in the eye, they're kind of like doing the dishes or doing the thing in like the huff puff way.
Well, the reason why there's weird energy is because they've been silent about what they actually need or want from you.
So you went about your day -to -day life.
You went off and played golf.
You went and did the errands or you know met your girlfriends for lunch, and then you come home And they're punishing you because you couldn't read their mind.
Like this is a real thing.
This is chronic in relationships.
That it's Sunday morning.
I was just talking to a girlfriend of mine.
She was saying that, recognizing that she's doing this in a relationship, it was Sunday morning.
All she wanted to do was just plop on the couch and cuddle up and watch movies all day with her boyfriend.
And her boyfriend's like, hey do you mind if I go play golf with the guys?
And here's the truth.
She did mind. She was, like, in her stomach when he said this.
She's like, yeah, I do mind.
Like, I wanna sit on the couch.
Did she say anything?
No. She's like, okay, okay.
How many times have you done that?
Somebody says they're gonna go do something.
Is it okay? You're like, it's okay.
And inside, you're silent about the truth.
But then when they leave, you sit there and see.
And then when they come home, you're furious.
It should've been nine holes, not 18.
They didn't tell me that.
They should've known.
This is not just something that happens in romantic relationships.
Danielle Bayer Jackson, she's a friendship expert, best selling author, said that the research shows that we project what our needs are on the people that we think we're close to because we think our friends and family should know.
Well you should know that I wanted you to be here.
You should know that I wanted you to do that.
And here's what I'm gonna tell you, you have no right to be mad at somebody when you didn't even tell them what you wanted.
You have no right to be mad at somebody when you kept your mouth quiet.
You have no right to be mad at somebody when you stayed silent.
People are not mind readers.
If you didn't say it, they don't know it.
And this is so important because you're doing this.
You're doing this at work by not speaking up about the assignments that you want.
You're doing this at work about not asking for what you need.
You're doing this with your family.
Well, they should just know that I wanted to host Thanksgiving.
Well, they should just know that, you know, I don't like that.
They should just know that I want flowers.
And then you punish people, because they don't know.
This is so disrespectful.
It is toxic. It's abusive to people like I'm dead serious about this.
I wrote What about this in the Let Them Theory book?
I want to read to you from page 115.
The silent treatment is what an immature adult does, when they don't know how to process their emotions or ask for what they need in a healthy and respectful manner.
So instead, they stop talking.
They pretend nothing's wrong.
And often they ignore you.
And if you've ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment from a friend, a family member, a coworker, it's painful.
And you immediately, your immediate instinct is to try to figure out, okay, what did you do wrong?
Have you ever walked into your parents house and one of your parents is in a horrible mood, you have no idea what's wrong, but you know something's wrong?
And now all of a sudden, you're walking on eggshells and you're trying to delicately figure it out because you don't want to step on an emotional landmine.
And then you come to find out that somebody's feelings were hurt because you stayed out longer than they thought that you were going to and they had expectations that you were going to go do something this afternoon, but they never told you.
And somehow, their silence is your fault.
I'm sorry. Their silence is disrespect.
That's what it is. It's immaturity.
Let me keep reading from page 115.
And that's exactly what the person giving you the silent treatment wants, they want your attention.
Just like a child pouting off in the corner once the parent to come over and sue them, an adult that gives you the silent treatment wants you to ask, are you okay?
Can I do something?
What did I do wrong?
I'll tell you what you did wrong.
You went playing golf and I didn't tell you that I didn't want you to go play golf.
So now I'm gonna punish you, even though I was silent.
This is how we adults operate with each other.
Don't you think that's kind of disrespectful?
Isn't it disrespectful if you're doing something wrong at work and nobody tells you they're silent about it.
And then they're like mad at you because you're not doing something that they never told you that you needed to do or you're not changing the way that you're doing it and you were doing it wrong and you didn't know.
Why is that your problem?
Like this is crazy town.
And so here's the thing that I want you to understand you get to choose when somebody does this to you this is a sign that somebody has a lot of work to do.
They either don't know how to ask for what they need this is not your fault or they don't know how to handle like emotions, and so they stay silent instead of asking for something or talking about something because they're worried about how you're gonna respond.
And this is where the let them theory really helps you because if they don't respect you enough to ask for what they need, then don't let them disrespect you with the silent treatment.
Like that's not your fault.
And you gotta wake up and see it for what it is.
And so here's how you can choose to respond to this.
Let them go silent.
Let them erupt. Let them play the victim.
Let them sulk. Let them make it all about them, and then focus on the response, the let me part.
Let me be the mature, wise, and loving adult in this situation.
Let me decide if I want to address this directly or not at all.
Let me remind myself that managing another person's emotions.
Not my job. Let me remove myself from any text chain, dinner table, conversation, relationship, or friend group where this is happening.
Instead of expecting other people to change, demand the change of yourself.
If somebody's so disrespectful that they will stay silent on what they need from you and then punish you for not being a mind reader, you got to wake up and realize what you're dealing with here and hold yourself to a higher standard.
Respect yourself enough to not stay silent when this happens.
The more time you pour into a relationship with somebody who acts like an eight -year -old, the more you're gonna feel like a parent to a child.
You gotta recognize that you're dealing with somebody who has a lot of internal work to do and you're either gonna have to draw healthier boundaries, ignore them and let them do this crap or draw healthier boundaries around the amount of time and energy you're willing to give to them.
In fact, saying, let them and let me, these are tools that you can use to draw boundaries between yourself and other people and to recognize when you're starting to get emotionally triggered and then to say let me, let me say what I need to say.
I don't want you to go play golf today.
I'd love to sit on the couch.
Could you do that? And now you can have a conversation instead of saying silent.
And that's what respect looks like.
Or, I really love it if you would buy me flowers.
Because when you buy me flowers, it makes me feel like you're thinking of me.
Because I know when you're at the grocery store, you're like, oh, she said buy flowers.
And so, you buy the tulips.
And then, I realize that well, you're not here, you're thinking of me.
And having me in mind is a way that really makes me know that you love me.
And that's a simple thing that you could do.
See, now you're treating somebody with respect.
Isn't it respectful to tell somebody what you need?
Isn't it respectful to tell people how they can support you?
Of course it is. And if somebody is not giving you that respect, you've got to speak up.
You've got to tell them what you need.
And what you need is for them to develop the skills of communicating clearly, expressing what they need from you, asking for the support, and managing their emotions like a mature adult.
And that brings me to the fifth subtle way that people disrespect you, and that's just of general condescending behavior and general rule of thumb here.
Never look up to someone who talks down to you.
And it can sometimes be a little, I don't know, subtle, is a good word for it.
Sometimes when somebody is condescending and they're talking down to you, you're like, wait a minute.
Did they just talk down to me?
Here's some examples, is when somebody says, actually, you did a good job on that.
Or, actually, that really works.
Or actually, that's a good idea.
That actually, when somebody says it, it's put right in there, actually, that is a good idea.
It happens so fast.
You're kind of like, wait a minute, and then you go, wait a minute.
If they're saying actually, that is a good idea, they're also kind of saying, normally you don't have a good idea.
Or when people say things like, well, I guess that's one way you could do it, they're questioning how you do it.
Are you gonna wear that?
They're questioning what you're wearing.
Even things like, you can't take a joke.
Other examples, you always do this, you never do that, just relax.
This is one of those things, when it happens once, you just let it slide.
But it can become a real problem if you're around somebody who's just constantly chipping away at your confidence, or who's just really kind of patronizing.
And you can't quite put your finger on it until you put your finger right on it.
You're like, oh, wait a minute.
This person actually thinks they're better than me.
This is a person who's talking down to me.
And when you realize that that's what's going on, I want you to recognize that this is a massive form of disrespect that is subtly chipping away at you.
And what I want you to do is recognize that you do have choices here.
I think the best thing to do in this situation is just call it out.
And the reason why you call it out is because if somebody does believe that they're better than you, and they talk down to you, and they chip away at you, they're stepping on your head as a way to feel better about themselves, this is an ingrained part of their personality.
And one of the reasons why people do this and they bully each other and they're condescending is because they get away with it.
And so, first step is actually calling it out for yourself.
Oh, wait a minute! This person's actually really condescending.
And you know that you never look up to someone who talks down to you.
And so what you're gonna do once you recognize it is you want distance from this person.
So when they say that thing, well I guess that's one way to do it, you're gonna pause, you can silently say to yourself, let them, because what you're doing when you say let them is you're not letting them be condescending.
You're letting them reveal who they actually are and how they feel about you.
You're seeing it coming.
Then you're going to slowly say, are you trying to be condescending, and just let that hang, because I'm going to tell you something.
Nobody has called them out on this.
When you quietly say, are you trying to be condescending?
They're going to be so startled, they're going to be like, I didn't mean it like that and They're gonna backtrack and try to explain themselves and now guess who's up and guess who's down.
You just took control of the response.
You just called out exactly what it is.
And you also are not interested in their explanation.
Another thing that you can do, and this is a trick from our friend Jefferson Fisher, trial lawyer, bestselling author.
He's fantastic with his advice about these difficult situations, is when somebody's condescending.
You pause and then you can say, can you repeat that?
Because when you for somebody to repeat a statement where they have this real subtle disrespect into it, they don't want to repeat it because they know you're calling them out and they know what they just did.
So again, never look up to someone who talks down to you and you're going to take a pause, you're going to see it for what it is, it's disrespect.
And then you're going to call it out.
Did you mean to be condescending?
Did you mean to disrespect me?
Could you repeat that?
And trust me, they're not going to repeat it.
And that brings me to the sixth subtle form of disrespect, and that is a backhanded compliment.
And this one's sort of related to the condescending comments.
But it comes in the form of something that should be making you feel good.
But here's how you know when it's backhanded, A true compliment makes you feel good.
Anything that makes you feel bad is disrespect.
That's how you know.
See, a true compliment would lift you up.
Something that's backhanded drags you down.
Let me give you some examples of that.
I wouldn't have expected that you're into yoga.
You're a runner? Really?
You know, you're really well spoken.
What? For what? What?
What? I wasn't expecting that to look so good on you.
Boy, you look so tired.
You know, I don't understand how somebody so amazing like you is still single.
Like when somebody says it, there's this weird thing that hangs in the air.
So what do you do? Well, you do the same thing that you can do when somebody is condescending.
You can have them repeat it.
Could you repeat that?
Are you trying to make me feel bad?
You can let it sit in silence for a few seconds.
I'm really well spoken compared to what?
You can say, what did you actually mean?
Didn't you start to feel uncomfortable in that silence?
And you're just listening to me explain the expert advice.
When you pause and you ask them to repeat it or you ask them, what did you actually mean?
Or, are you trying to make me feel bad?
Holy smokes. Is it wild what happens?
The reason why it's called a backhanded compliment is because even though it's kind of packaged as something that's meant to be positive, there's actually a dig in there because the reason why people do this is it's an attempt to boost their status at your expense.
There's very interesting research that's been done at Harvard Business School, three professors dug into this, they have a study called backhanded compliments how negative compliments undermine flattery, and people use these backhanded compliments to boost their own status while still trying to be likable.
I mean just think about the saying, you know, you're pretty smart for someone who didn't go to college.
Like what the heck is that?
You're pretty smart for someone who didn't go to college?
Well what the study found is that this tactic, it doesn't work instead of making you look good it actually makes others see you as insincere and calculating like we're on to you but I think what happens to you you're not quite sure what to do about it and what I always think about is this what is the intention behind what somebody's saying versus the impact right because I can let a lot of things slide in life I always try to assume good intent.
But here's what I want you to understand.
And this is where the disrespect comes in.
If they truly wanted to compliment you, there's no room for a dig.
Compliments are meant to shine a light on you, to lift you up, to make you feel good.
So, if there's anything that rubs you wrong or makes you feel bad, you know there's a subtle form of disrespect in there.
And so, focus on the impact it has on you.
This is something where you need to give yourself permission to really own how something impacts you because if you feel disrespected, if you feel confused, if you feel bothered by what somebody just said, that's not a compliment.
That is somebody saying something as a way to lift themselves up at your expense.
And so what you can do about that is use any of the tools we've already discussed.
pause because the silence is a form of power and it also gives you a beat and then you can say a number of things.
What did you actually mean by that?
Could you repeat that?
Are you trying to make me feel bad?
Is that a backhanded compliment?
When you call it out, you show yourself respect and that's why it's important to recognize that a backhanded compliment isn't a compliment at all.
It's a form of disrespect.
And over and over and over again, as we've unpacked each of these six subtle forms of disrespect — whether it's somebody talking over you, dismissing your feelings, always being late, the silent treatment, condescending behavior, backhanded compliments — the real power move is recognizing that these are forms of disrespect.
Simply being able to go, oh wait, that's disrespectful.
that's the first step in respecting yourself.
Being able to recognize that what other people are doing, that's not in your control.
How you respond to it is where your power is.
So as you think about these six subtle forms of disrespect I want you to remember that there's also the opportunity for you to respect yourself.
Everything that we've talked about is you recognizing when being disrespected and realizing that your response is a form of respect to yourself.
So the first form of subtle disrespect is when someone's talking over you.
When someone's talking over you, they don't care about what you have to say.
That's why it's disrespectful.
You take the power back by respecting yourself and respecting what you have to say, which is why you're going to keep talking slowly, and then you're gonna use the person's name to cue them to stop talking, and to tell them that you're interested in hearing what they have to say, but first you want them to hear what you have to say before they start responding.
And then you're gonna do the ultimate respectful power move, and once you're done talking because you care about what you have to say, alrighty, Mike, was there something you wanted to say in response to what I just shared?
Boom, now you've got the respect of yourself and everyone around you.
Second subtle form of disrespect is when somebody's dismissing your feelings.
When somebody dismisses your feelings or is trying to rush you through your feelings, they don't care about how you feel or they don't have the capacity to give you the room to feel what you have to feel.
That's why they're dismissing your feelings.
So you got to respect yourself enough to recognize that and validate your feelings.
I feel how I feel. I get to choose how I feel about this.
let me decide how long I'm gonna be upset.
Let me decide what I get emotional about.
Let me decide how I wanna feel about this.
When you decide how you feel, when you respect your feelings, now we've taken care of the disrespect.
Three, always running late.
This is a form of disrespect because there's a big difference between the skill of time management and whether or not you value your time and other people's time.
and so to change this, you have to respect yourself enough to value your time.
That may mean that you got to learn the skill of time management, that was the case for me.
Or it might mean that you've got to start to speak up about how disrespectful someone's lack of time management is to your time, because when you do that, it's a sign that you value your time and you're actually protecting it by saying something.
And that brings me to the fourth subtle form of disrespect, which is when people use the silent treatment and they go silent on what they need, and they go silent on giving you feedback about how you can improve and how you can show up differently and then they freaking punish you for it.
And here's the deal, you gotta respect yourself enough to speak up.
You're not allowed to punish people for things you never asked for in the first place.
And if somebody is constantly punishing you with their mood or going silent and not expressing their needs, you've got to wake up and respect yourself enough to recognize that you're dealing with a very immature adult who has a lot of work to do and go into that relationship with eyes wide open because you're not the parent to that person.
but you will feel like it if you don't start speaking up about what's working and what's not working and what you need, which is for them to learn the skill of being a mature adult and asking in a respectful way for the things that they need from you.
The fifth subtle form of disrespect is when somebody's behavior is condescending, right?
They kind of just chip away at you, that's actually a good idea.
You know, not bad for somebody who didn't go to college And you're like, wait a minute, what was that?
And don't ever look up to somebody who talks down to you.
And if somebody's talking down to you, you've got to lift yourself up and start calling the stuff out.
Or you got to remove the access that this person has from you.
Spend less time, less energy with them, because that's a way for you to respect yourself enough to not expose yourself to this kind of behavior.
And finally, backhanded compliments are not a compliment at all.
Compliments are supposed to make you feel good so if somebody says something that confuses you or hurts your feelings or kind of makes you feel bad, that was no compliment, that was disrespect.
And the way that you respect yourself, first of all, silence.
Second, see it for what it is.
Third, call that stuff out.
Are you trying to be condescending?
Was that a backhanded compliment?
What do you actually mean by that?
You call it out and it's a sign that you respect yourself enough to not tolerate this kind of disrespect from someone else.
So I want to read one more thing to you to remind you.
Instead of expecting other people to change, demand the change of yourself.
That right there is where your power is demand the change of yourself.
First you have to spot the disrespectful behavior then you focus on your response because your response to this is how you learn to respect yourself and I'm gonna be the first to say I respect you so much for the fact you took the time to listen to this.
Because it shows that you're investing your time and energy in listening or watching something that can really help you improve yourself and improve your life.
And I think that's so cool.
And it's one of the reasons why I never forget to tell you that I love you.
The reason why I love you is because I admire the fact that you are using your time and energy for good.
You are using your time and energy to listen to something that will help you You amp up the level of respect that you have for yourself.
You're using your time and energy to learn more about how you can draw better boundaries and spot behavior that's disrespectful.
I admire that. And I had you in mind as I was having this conversation and thinking about how you could use these tools to improve your life.
And so that's why I say I love you because I love you for the fact that you took the time to actually be here.
to share this with people that you care about and to use these tools in your life.
Mad respect for you, you, my friend, have the ability to create a better life.
Alrighty, I'll talk to you in a few days, I'll be waiting for you.
In the very next episode, the moment you hit play, I'll be there to welcome you in.
I'll see you there.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.
You ready? Alright, great!
Okay, you know, of course here comes a frog in the throat right.
We're about to start Okay, so hold on let me just say alright, okay.
Gotcha. Gotcha is the pace okay, and as I'm telling you this story We're gonna have a throat clearing thing Jesse.
Sorry lots of edits today.
How we doing guys? Okay, okay Thank you, my dear I Think it's right about there.
Great. Thanks, honey.
All right, and then I'll start with before we get into this episode.
Okay great Okay, great.
Thank you. Oh, and one more thing.
And no, this is not a blooper.
This is the legal language.
You know what the lawyers write, and what I need to read to you.
This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes.
I'm just your friend, I am not a licensed therapists, and this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional.
Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode.
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