50 % of couples who talk to me do not know their household income.
Money for most is not a source of connection, it's a wedge.
I want to go deep on this.
This is actually cool.
In most relationships, there is one money person.
And this is a huge mistake.
How do you get someone who's a warrior to start spending?
You need to learn the skill of managing money, but you also need to learn the skill of spending money meaningfully.
Tell me what to do.
I have seven quick steps.
It's very easy. First off...
All right, we're live.
We're meet. The reason I wanted to have you on was because Sean and I were talking the other day, and at the end of the episode, at like minute 55, we got to the total end, and somehow it came up that my wife, Sarah, and I, we do this thing that we just call our monthly money meeting.
And the way it works is that we like break down our monthly expenses, our income, and we also look at our net worth and we talk about how can we spend the next month to make ourselves happier?
How can we use money as a tool and are we happy with our consumption and whatever, the previous month?
And Sean made fun of me and he was like, you're running that like a corporation, like a business.
And at first, I was embarrassed to say that I'm running my marriage like a business.
And then afterwards, I was like, actually no, I can love my wife.
And that's the number one reason why I do this.
And also, in order to make it run effectively, you kind of have to run a tight ship like a business or have like business attributes.
And you have this book, Money for Couples, and you tweet all about this stuff with your relationships and running it like a business.
And I thought you should come on and kind of talk about the other stuff of a relationship other than love, which requires running it a little bit like a business.
Well, first of all, I appreciate that Sean makes fun of you.
That's one of my favorite parts of this pod.
But when you are married, you are running a business.
It is the business of running a household together.
And it's only in the last 100 or so years that Americans became infatuated with this idea of love as the only reason to get married.
That's ahistorical.
That's not been the case for a long time.
And just to give you example, it's so culturally dependent.
My parents knew each other seven days before they got married.
So you have to remember that it's not unromantic to talk about money.
I actually find it very romantic that you are building a connection.
And there's a whole bunch of other benefits that I'm sure you and I both experience because we talk about money regularly.
You got this amazing podcast and a lot of the people you have some like really wealthy people.
I think you had someone who was making like two or three million dollars a year and they talked about spending.
But I think your typical bread and butter is low ish six figures.
But our audience makes like, I'm going to just make up the Savitar of like $200 ,000 to $400 ,000 a year.
And they work at tech companies.
I think this topic is so fascinating to me because it cuts across psychology, numbers, communication.
And I personally think it's underexplored.
I think there's a lot of people online who talk about how to make money, how to invest money.
Very few people talk about how to spend it meaningfully.
And even fewer talk about how to do it in a relationship.
So if you're listening and you're single or dating or you've been married for 20 years, odds are very likely that you have not substantively talked about money with your partner.
And it's important.
It is it's one of the core things in a relationship.
That's why I love talking about this.
Do you remember Tim Ferriss in the Four Hour Workweek?
He had this thing called like the dream scenario or something.
It's very similar to the stuff that you do.
It's something like write down all of the things you want to own.
And then reverse engineer it to figure out how much do you have to earn in order to afford this.
And just be intentional about what you want and specifically say it and work backwards towards it.
So I used to do that as a 22 year old.
I think I had like at one point I've owned everything that was on that list.
And I was like, oh, half that list.
I don't really give a shit about even after I have owned it.
But I remember a year into dating my wife, it was like, hey, this is promising.
It appears we're going to...
This is going towards marriage, which is great.
And we did that dreamlining together.
And we used to do it all the time where it was like, tell me like, what's your ideal life scenario?
Like, how would you like to live?
And like, let's like, how much would that require?
Like, what responsibilities are you willing to take?
And what should I take on?
It was so helpful to do that early on in a relationship.
And it sounds weird, but it was like a great conversation.
I love that. It's amazing that the two of you did that early on because it's one thing to do it solo.
It's entirely another thing to do with a partner.
But what is amazing is that you two were on the same page of even talking about that.
You have to remember most couples, they're not like that.
They're not sitting down to dream.
One person is probably a worrier.
Another person might be an avoider or probably for the people listening, their optimizers.
Spreadsheet freaks who love to look at compound interest all the time.
And they're not even communicating in the same way.
So one person is like, look at our returns, look at our net worth.
And the other is like, why are you talking about this?
Like I don't think we're going to have enough.
Why did you spend $20 at the gas station?
So you guys were speaking the same language, most couples, not even in the same planet when it comes to money.
Optimizers, what is that?
Oh, there's four money types.
I talk about them in my book.
I talked to thousands and thousands of people and I found these four types that describe a lot of people.
First, avoider. This is the most common.
They avoid money. They do a series of conscious and unconscious techniques to do it.
If they're in a relationship, they'll say stuff like, you're just better at money.
I'm not good at math.
Sometimes they even sabotage conversations by saying stuff like, why do you always have to talk about money?
Can't we just have a good time?
That's an avoider. And there's a whole bunch of techniques that you can use to not be an avoider or to have a partner that's an avoider.
Then we have optimizer.
That is me. That's you.
That's a lot of people listening.
Optimizers, they can do a lot of good because they're saving, they're investing.
The problem is you take it to the logical extreme and they become incredibly boring and cheap.
And all they care about is like the cost.
How much is it going to be?
We shouldn't buy this Coke can because if we compounded that for 45 years, it would actually be $1 ,200.
It's like, get a life.
Optimizers are really hard to be partners with because they always go, how much does it cost?
That's all they're concerned with.
But they can change as well.
We have worriers, worriers worry about everything.
In fact, many of them saw that growing up.
And when I asked them, what would it look like if you didn't worry about money?
They have no idea because that's all they have ever known.
And finally, dreamers.
Dreamers believe that success is just around the corner.
Dreamers, it's the next gig.
It's the next deal.
These are the folks who typically fall into get rich quick schemes.
And they are incredibly difficult to be partners with.
They're not listening.
They're not reading my book, let's put it that way.
And the only reason they can live in La La Land is that they are often subsidized by someone else often their partner.
Those are the four money types.
You seem like, you know, you teach us stuff.
So I assume and I know you so I know it's true that you have your act together when it comes to money.
And if you are an optimizer, now you said, what flaws do you still have?
And how do they present itself like on a daily basis?
Yeah, like for everyone listening, Sam was like, we were texting and Sam was like, Hey, what are you getting on Black Friday?
And I was like, I don't shop any place that does Black Friday sales.
And that's like, that's the difference.
But the fact is, like, you're an optimizer, so am I.
They just manifest in different ways.
So where do yours manifest in ways that are good?
But also in annoying ways, dude, the annoying ways are the ones that.
When I was 22, it was like, all about like, look at these numbers.
You just need to do this.
It's so easy. It's so clear.
And and then I could see people's eyes glazing over, but I didn't know why.
And once you get a little bit older, a little bit more mature, a little bit better skill to communicating, you realize nobody wants to be talked to like that.
And in fact, like in the areas where I have been really weak, like fitness where I didn't grow up knowing what protein was until my late twenties, if someone was like, dude, it's so simple, it would have been overwhelming and it would have made me feel stupid.
So I learned how to slow down, become a little bit more emotionally connective, but dude, it's still there.
When I, when I'm talking about money, sometimes I'm like, like, okay, I get it.
Let's let's get to the part where we do the numbers.
And it happens regularly.
My wife and I have monthly money meetings.
We have our annual rich life review and I can see it in myself.
I just want to get to the end because for me, you know, I was raised like efficiency is a virtue.
Getting to that part is a virtue.
And I've had to really try to learn and I'm still learning.
Sometimes slow it down, take the journey, have fun along the way.
We'll get there, but don't be in a rush to get where we're going to get anyway.
What's this, you know, it's December 30th when we were filming this.
What's the annual review?
Oh man, we're in the middle of it right now.
So this is like one of my favorite times of the year.
So in every December, we have an annual rich life review and I would encourage everybody to do this.
So we sit down and we do it over several days.
We're in no rush. And we start off by just going through our photos from the year.
And we go like, what were our most memorable things that happened this year?
And a lot of them are favorites, but some of them are not so good.
You know, things that just bring up visceral memories.
You're talking about like a death or something like that.
Yeah, something bad that happened.
But a lot of good things that travel, we did family, we saw things like that.
And you just know it when you see it, you just know it.
And looking over our photos, what we do is we just put like 10, 20, and we text them to each other and then we talk about it.
What's this look like though?
Uh, actually look like in the evening or you just hanging out over dinner.
What's, what are you guys doing?
What if I'm like, Sam, I told you, we're running a freaking business.
We're in a conference room.
What do you think? No.
Okay. The truth is, um, when we did this just recently, we were sitting across from each other, like, basically on our couch, chilling.
But most of the time we have these conversations, we're actually traveling.
So we love to do this in a place that is different than our normal place.
It's expansive. Usually we try to surround ourselves with beauty, but you know, that's not always possible, so the point, the setting helps, but it's just about the two of us having time and space.
So here I am looking at my photos and it becomes very obvious to me.
The photos I chose like out of 20, 18 of them were with friends and family.
Wow. Like that really tells me something about what's important to me.
And so we start off there like, wow, what was memorable?
We then talk about, we had this little exercise that we did this year.
I came up with these, um, questions, which was what if 2025 next year was incredibly generous and we started there and we're just like, what would we do if we were incredibly generous?
And we just like came up with the idea back and forth next adventurous.
So it was like, uh, like a wilderness course.
You know, I don't even know how to start a fire.
What if I went to a three day wilderness course?
And my wife was like, go on your own.
I'm not trying to go to that, but that's cool too.
You find out what you like, what you don't like next was luxurious.
That was cool, relaxed and then social.
So we're just dreaming.
We're just like coming up with ideas and we're writing them down.
And that's it. Then we start getting into a little bit more specific stuff.
What did we love this year?
What do we want to do more of?
These would be things like take a trip with friends, spend time with our parents, that kind of thing.
And then we're like, what do we not like?
What do we want to do less of?
Oh, we tried to eat at this.
We got this reservation at this restaurant and it was a big deal.
And we actually don't really care about that type of stuff.
And then the last thing we do is we get into the numbers.
You don't need to say your numbers, but tell me the title of the numbers.
So for example, you look at like your, like your personal family's annual burn, your personal family's income.
What else? We're talking at the expense level now.
So we're talking line item, but these are like the major categories in my conscious spending plan.
So things like, um, housing, uh, travel for us is a big discretionary expense.
All the clothes, fitness, those are the items we're talking about and we're like, okay, we projected this, we hit this.
Why did we diverge?
And so then it's like, do we need to tweak it next year?
Do we need to add more income?
This is the type of stuff where we're talking about, like, what are our distributions?
I don't know if we can handle that next year, et cetera.
And when you, this is like, I want to go deep on this.
So you're setting the budget for the next year as well.
And when you're doing the review, what percentage on track are you typically?
Are you typically over?
What is your family over or under?
That's a very good question.
We're never exactly on, never.
We are, we are definitely over in certain categories, travel almost always over.
So we adjust it every year.
The dream is like, you're going to nail it, but we never will.
We leave buffer. We always leave buffer.
You add 20%. Oh, yeah.
I have like handy guidelines for buffers.
So for example, for like a wedding, 2 .5 X, like right there.
Yeah. Okay. For a trip for travel, add 50 % right off the bat.
So if you think your trip is going to be 3000, it's actually going to be 45.
Got it. So it's not like unilaterally like, all right, we budgeted $100.
Just assume that our in or whatever $100 ,000 for the year for our whole life, assume that it's going to be 120.
Um, we would do that for fixed costs.
So fixed costs, which are like your rent, your auto, you know, your fixings.
Typically I would say add 15 % because there are things that people forget about.
That's just a good guideline.
By the way, that's what I do with my businesses.
I like whatever we say, the budget is in my head, I'm like 30 % over.
Okay. Let me tell you why.
I think there are so many different ways with money.
You can internalize lessons like fitness, luxury.
I had this experience.
We stayed in a hotel in Thailand.
It's a, it's a high -end hotel.
And I, whenever I go to one of these hotels, I always ask to see the general manager and I go on a walk on the property with him, him or her.
And I go, why are you laughing?
It's weird. It's just, that's a really caring thing to do, but you're doing it for a positive thing.
What the hell are you talking about?
I'm not saying like, hear all the things that are wrong.
I asked them, tell me how you run this hotel.
Like what are the clientele?
So for example, do that at the front desk or does your assistant or you send an email, I'll be checking in.
Like, dude, I want to get, let me explain Ari, here's why.
Ramit said, Hey, do you want to come to New York city and hang out with me?
I'm going to plan for something to us to do.
And I was like, hell yeah.
And he was like, what do you want to do?
And I was like, whatever you're interested in, because I know you're super into it.
Take me along. And so we went to the Amangiri or Amun, New York.
Is that what it's called?
Amun, New York. Yeah.
Like the fanciest hotel in New York city and the general manager or some like some manager type gave us this like one hour specialty tour of this like three or $4 ,000 a night hotel.
And I was like, dude, how do you, who did you email to get this?
So I, I like hotels.
I like hospitality.
And whenever I go to these hotels, the manager will, when you're staying there, the manager will come up to you at a certain point and greet you.
So I'm always like, Hey, I'd love to like learn more about the property.
Do you have any time?
And they love it. They love it.
So we went on a walk and it was December at the time.
So I said, what's your occupancy?
And they had something like 40 keys or 40 hotel rooms.
He said, um, it's about to get busy.
Christmas is our busiest of all, but we always keep one room off market.
And I'm like, why would you do that when it's the busiest, most high demand, most expensive time of the year?
He goes, luxury is about always having something in your back pocket.
He goes, maybe our regular guests who come every year for the last decade, bring an extra family member.
We need to be able to accommodate that.
So I will hold it off market.
And I'm like, ah, that's a very expensive thing.
But I think about my mom growing up, she always had extra food.
If we brought a friend over luxury, just at a different level.
So same thing with money.
I want to always build in a buffer so that if something happens, we're good.
No sweat. And how much, what percentage do, um, like do you, do you assume that every year you're spending is going to go up like 5%, 10 %?
Uh, no that I probably should, but I don't do that.
That would be good.
We, we look at what we're going to do next year.
And typically like, um, we have like certain things don't really change.
For example, rent or whatever, it won't change that much.
But if there are big life events, those might change.
So we're not doing it on a percentage basis.
We're looking at big, discrete events because we already have the foundation kind of laid out.
And then do you assume, and you guys are both entrepreneurs.
And so let's do it for the question of like you and me entrepreneurs.
And also let's do this for a, like a Facebook employee.
Do assume that your income is flat, up or down?
Great question. My wife and I are both entrepreneurs.
So we, we, we take a standard salary, which we talk about at that annual rich life review.
What is our salary going to be?
And it's typically the same salary.
I didn't change my salary for like 13 years, but we talk about distributions.
So are we playing, how does the business look next year?
What numbers are we going for?
What do we think our distributions will be?
And we use distributions, which makes our system a little bit complex.
We get them on a quarterly basis.
If we take them and then we have a determination, we have a percentage like where does it go?
How does it get split up?
All that stuff is all documented.
We look at the document once a year in December and we decide, is this fair?
Does this feel good?
Do we need to tweak anything, but it's once a year.
And that's where it gets complicated.
Cause I do this with Sarah and I'm like, well, if business goes good, then it could be this, if it, if something happened, you know, shit happens, you know, like if you run an SEO based company, Google makes a change.
And like my situation has just changed.
Um, I don't, I have to tell you, this is maybe a strength also a weakness.
I don't want to have to go backwards.
So like it that appeal to me, that's true in a lot of parts of life.
For example, speaking of hotels, if I stayed at one hotel room one time, I'm not going to a lower level hotel room.
I want to stay at the same level or go higher.
Why? Just because for me, that's a point of pride and something I value for other people, it might be their car.
You know, they finally got a, whatever's a nice car and they don't want to go back to the Honda Civic that they grew up driving, whatever.
Say I feel the same with money.
If we decide we want something, I'm going to be very, very careful before I commit to spending on something that is probably something we don't want to go backwards on.
Otherwise, I just wouldn't do it.
As an example, if somebody starts to fly, well, I know you've talked about flying private, you know, for a lot of entrepreneurs, it's like one of the things they want to do great.
If that's a goal, I wouldn't do that until I knew I have no financial chance of ever going backwards.
Because that's actually really hard for people.
But that's rooted in your business, which means like my business is stable enough that it's likely going to continue to grow at some, even if it's a small 5 or 10%, but it's like a stable recurring -ish revenue business.
That type of thing?
Yeah, or you have enough net worth to float it.
Yeah. But what I'm really encouraging people to do is you don't have to do this for everything.
You know, like some years you have a splurge on some restaurant.
Maybe you're going to go back, maybe not, whatever.
But if it's really important to you, it might be, we're sending kids to this school, or we're going to decide that we're flying business class, or whatever.
Be very, very careful before you make a purchase that is recurring and you don't want to go back.
Once you do it, make sure you're solid forever.
All right. Let's take a quick break because I got to tell you about a friend of the pod who's got their own podcast.
If you know Steph Smith, she is a legend, she's been on MFM many times, and she's got her own podcast called the A16C Podcast.
And it's all about technology.
If you think about it, technology has evolved like crazy.
I mean, I grew up in the 90s.
I had CDs, phones had cords.
You couldn't use the internet if your mom was on the phone.
And now there's like 3D printers and there's rockets that could go up into space, AI, there's so much crazy stuff going on.
And you got to have a place that helps you stay ahead of the curve.
And that's what the A16C podcast is trying to do.
It's a podcast from the VC firm, Andries & Horowitz, and it's trying to give you an inside look at the trends that are shaping our future.
They've had guests like Mark Cuban and Neal Stephenson on.
And they talk about topics like deep fakes or the science behind GLP ones or autonomous drones, no small boy stuff at all.
Steph is the host. She's awesome.
I think you'll enjoy the podcast.
So check it out. It is the A16Z Podcast.
And I like this tagline.
They say it's like eavesdropping on the future.
That's pretty cool.
That's a good tagline.
So check it out. The A16Z podcast, wherever you get your podcast.
How long does this annual meeting, annual review last?
And what's the homework to prepare for it?
It lasts several days.
We're in no rush. So it's like we'll talk for a couple of hours and then we're off doing whatever we're doing, whether we're on your calendar.
Yeah. It's on the calendar has a link to all of our docs, the one from last year.
We review it. Some of it is, so some of it is structured, like we're talking about.
We have these questions.
What do you want to change?
Et cetera. And some of it though is really organic.
And I think that is the part that might surprise Pete.
So in my life I'm an optimizer and so I love structure.
I love it. And I think that has become a weakness of mine where I always want the black or white answer and I need to like make sure it fits in these cells.
And so I've been trying to become more intuitive and I find that I'm most intuitive when I'm traveling because I'm like, what do I feel like seeing?
Where do I feel like going, what about us?
And I'm trying to bring that to these meetings.
So like this question about like generous and adventurous, that was an intuitive thing that I was thinking about.
And then we started talking about it and there was a lot of energy.
So we spent like few hours talking about that.
That is how I love to approach this a combination of literal and also intuitive.
What's the monthly meetings look like?
Ours usually looks like we use Monarch.
Do you know Monarch money?
That's just like a cool thing that in my opinion, that's my favorite tool for tracking monthly expenses.
We, so we go over that and then we say like, all right, next month, like what adventures or things do we have planned?
And is there any like deviations or alterations that we want to make for that?
We also talk about different goals that we have throughout the year.
Like it could be we want to take family on trips.
It's like, all right, like, do we have, do we have that plan and what went well last time, what didn't go well, whatever.
And then we talk about like, do you want to buy anything?
Like, is there anything you want to buy?
I love that. I love every time I hear you guys talk about how you do money.
It makes me really happy because like, there's a lot of connection.
And I hope that's inspiring to other folks because money for most is not a source of connection.
It's a wedge. It's actually something that's avoided.
Most couples really substantively talk about money about four times in their entire life.
What does that mean?
So like, is there like a bunch of I mean, I guess this is obvious.
This is an obvious question, but I guess there's typically a bunch of wives out there who have no idea like what the income is.
And like, is that like typically what it is?
50 % of couples who talk to me do not know their household income.
Five zero. They don't know their household income.
As an example, this happens all the time.
I had a couple recently who said, I think we would, we would feel good if we made 120 ,000 and we're, I'm looking at their numbers, which they prepared for me and according to their preparation, they make 80 K.
Okay. So now I'm digging into this and I'm asking about bonuses.
They go, Oh yeah, we get a bonus once in a while.
And I'm adding it all together.
It turns out they make something like 121 ,000.
And they just look completely dumb found it.
Why? Because for years they've been telling themselves, we'll stop worrying when we make 120 K they've been making it for years.
And what it really shows is the way you feel about money is highly uncorrelated to the amount in your bank account.
So no, they don't talk about money.
Most see it as a negative thing.
They see it as something to protect their partner from.
They see it as something like you do the dishes all mow the lawn, but it's none of those it's got to be a source of connection, which is the thing you talk about.
But by the way, you were giving me credit for these meetings.
Like they still like occasionally end in fighting.
Like it's like it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't, they don't always end well, which is like, there's not, we're on the same page to discuss it, but we are not always on the same page of our once.
Sometimes there's decisions where there's a winner and there's a loser.
And so it's like, how, you know, how can we both win in one of these situations?
But it definitely becomes like a who's the money person?
And it's like, not just like who's earning it, but who's driving.
I guess it's frustrating to have if I'm the one driving all the time.
I'm like, I want you to care about this as much as I care about this.
Sam, I'm with you. OK, listen, so in most relationships, there is one money person.
And this is a huge mistake.
Again, most of us think of it as something that's just divided.
Like every couple does.
We all divide tasks just on time, intuition, etc., or just habit.
But money, when I got together with my wife, of course, I was it would have been natural for me to be the money person.
This is what I do for a living.
I think about it every day.
And I very early on realized that would be a horrible mistake.
And I told Cassandra, I said, we're going to do this together.
I'll tell you why. Number one, one day I'm going to get hit by a bus.
Some shithead from Goldman Sachs wealth management is going to call her.
Oh, we'd love to help you be a steward of your portfolio.
Fuck you, wealth management industry.
So she knows exactly about expense ratios and fees.
Otherwise, I'd be looking up from hell saying what's about to happen right now with this conversation, but I know she's an amazing manager of money.
Then I wanted us to have a second set of eyes.
No matter how good you are at money, it's always better to have another person make decisions together.
And third is just way more fun, way more fun to be doing this together.
Where do you want to go next year?
Who do you want to be generous with?
All those things. So it's a huge mistake to be the money person in a relationship or let your partner and that is becoming bigger and bigger because a lot of men die early leaving in in heterosexual relationships.
They leave their wife often defenseless to why it doesn't even know where the money is, much less how much much less what to do with it.
Bad, bad situation.
So that is a big nodal.
Dude, I was telling Sarah the other day ever since we had a kid, I had this weird dream.
It sounds weird to even say it, but I have this dream that she dies and like three weeks after her death, I'm like, I don't even think so.
The way my household works is I focus on making the money and she is in charge of tracking and spending it.
So it's like paying rent or mortgages and things like that.
And like I like when we when I when she died in my dream, I'm like, who do I pay this rent to or like, do you don't mean I was like, I literally don't know like what health insurance provider we have and how they get their money versus how like we like there's or like who's our dentist?
You know what I mean?
Like I didn't even know like certain things like that.
And it honestly freaked me out.
And I couldn't imagine being on the other side of that of like, how do we earn?
Exactly. I mean, it's kind of funny when you say it, but it's not funny if you're the person who doesn't know where the money comes from or how are things supposed to be paid?
And it's actually terrifying and very, very bad situation to be.
So let me talk about the monthly money meeting and how to do it.
It's quick. It's 60 minutes.
So you're kind of moving through these things.
I have six quick, seven quick steps.
It's very easy. All right.
First off, appreciation, kind of unexpected.
Always start off with something you appreciate about your partner.
Look at Sam's face right now.
Sam's go, What the fuck is this?
Woo, weirdo talking about move to LA talking about appreciation.
Where's the crystals?
I laugh because we do that.
What? And it's definitely still uncomfortable.
Oh, yeah. OK, fine.
Damn, impressed. Like I think you told me about it like I've been doing it.
We've been doing these for years.
But I like you or someone else like share something.
And I'm like, I'm going to add that.
Yeah. I'm thankful.
I'm so I appreciate that whenever we travel as a family, you always make sure we get to the airport at the right time.
Simple. You cannot say enough nice things.
All right. So that's number one.
Number two is partner one updates.
Quick things. Usually each partner will own one part of the financial system.
It could be they own how much you spent on groceries last month, or it could be making sure that this account flows to that and changing things.
Just a quick update.
If something has not gone right, like, hey, we agreed that we're going to spend 700 on groceries last month, I actually wasn't able to hit that.
It was 850. Here's what I'm doing about it next month.
Right. They own it.
They get ahead of it.
They talk about what they're doing as a plan.
Take a shine a light on it.
Don't let it fester.
Partner two does the same thing.
Three, then you're doing joint updates.
So are there any things we need to talk about together?
Hey, what's up with your 401k?
Are you having the correct match?
That kind of thing.
Five, review our numbers.
So are there any critical numbers?
I actually don't look at many numbers on a monthly basis because we plan it on an annual basis and we look at it on a six month quick check in because that gives us time to adapt if we need to.
But I'm not trying to look at the freaking price of noodles in February.
I don't want to talk about that.
Six, open issues, anything open.
And then seven, wrap it up.
Always end with I love you.
I appreciate you. Give each other a hug.
Start to align money with feeling good.
And it might feel cheesy at first.
You do it four or five, ten times.
You're going to actually start to feel it.
You tweeted out this thing, or I think it was from the book that you shared, but it had percentages for it had like threat like benchmark numbers of like save this percent, invest this percent, spend this amount on guilt free things.
Can you do those same percentages but for a couple that earns 300 or let's we're actually going to round up for math, $500 ,000 a year.
OK, I'll give you the standard numbers first quickly and then let's talk about how things change if you earn more.
So there are four key numbers you need to know in your financial infrastructure.
I love it. Just four.
You don't need to track the price of pickles.
The first is fixed costs.
That's rent, mortgage, groceries, debt, auto.
That's 50 to 60 percent of take home pay.
Next up is investing.
That's five to 10 percent of take home pay.
Of course, that's where real wealth is created.
So I would prefer the higher the better.
Next is saving. This is an emergency fund saving for a down payment, even saving for a kids activity or vacation, five to ten percent.
And finally, my favorite one of all guilt free spending.
This is eating up travel, buying around drinks, whatever, 20 to 35 percent.
So for me, the beautiful part is if you can fit it in like Tetris.
Fantastic. You can buy whatever you want.
As long as you're hitting these key numbers, it's very freeing.
Now, when I look at couples or individuals who make a lot of money, 500 K as an example, there's a couple of things that are common.
The first is their fixed cost number tends to go lower because their income is higher.
So instead of 60 percent or in some cases, people have 60, 70, 80 percent.
Their number is like 50 percent.
It's on the lower end of that range.
Once in a while, depending on where they live, it can even be lower than that.
Their investing is typically higher.
People who are making that kind of money typically not always, but typically tend to be a little savvier with investing.
And because the price of bread is basically the same like, yeah, you might spend double the price on bread, but you're not going to spend 50 times more on bread.
Therefore, you have more money left over.
Typically, that goes into investing.
Some of them save aggressively.
So sorry, for investing, they might have 15 percent of take home pay.
If they're in the fire community or they're very aggressive, they might go 20, 25 percent of net pay.
I like to see that number around 20 percent as your income gets up because when you have that kind of money, take it, make it work for you.
You have the earlier you can do that, you can really let it ride and grow savings five to 10 percent.
Sometimes they go a little bit higher.
You know, what I often find with guilt free spending, they can certainly be spending at the higher end of that.
Thirty five percent of 500 K is a lot of money.
We're thirty five percent of the take home.
Oh, these are all post tax.
Correct. Post tax. Um, sometimes I will see people who are investing like crazy.
They're doing 40 percent or 30 percent of take home pay.
And I'm like, there's a lot of money.
Your savings is really high.
And then I get down to the bottom of the conscious spending plan and they're spending like eight percent on guilt free spending.
And I'm like, what do you guys do for fun?
And they're like, they always say the same thing.
Well, you know, we like to go, we go to the park, we actually have money set aside.
And then I go like this.
Do you actually spend it?
And then they both look down because they wait till the end of the year.
They don't spend their money.
And then you know what they do with the money that's left over from guilt free spending, they sweep it right into their investing and they go, we're so good.
We don't spend money.
We invest. That's a big mistake.
You need to learn the skill of earning money.
You need to learn the skill of managing money.
But you also need to learn the skill of spending money meaningfully.
So if you're making 500 K, you should be learning how to spend that on the things that are meaningful to you.
How do you get someone who's a warrior to start spending?
It's very difficult.
Let me tell you why it's so hard.
I frequently have multi -millionaires who come on my show and, you know, sometimes one or both films, like we want to learn how to spend more.
And people listening are like, what kind of freaks don't know how to spend money?
That doesn't make any sense.
I'm one of them. Yes.
It's a very common affliction.
And it is an affliction because there are a lot of reasons for it.
Often people grew up financially insecure, family only said we can't afford it.
The only way they've related to money is scarcity.
But when the numbers change, they change faster than the psychology changes.
The problem is that you can get to a point where you have more than enough, but you're unable to actually spend.
And I see several things happening.
One, I see people who realize at a certain point, like this isn't something's wrong.
We have these numbers on a spreadsheet, but it doesn't feel real.
I went through this where it was like, as an entrepreneur who sold my business, I sold it and made I had a windfall leading up to that.
It was like, I think I ran the company for four years, but something like the first three years, the first two years I paid myself roughly twenty four thousand dollars a year, which was so stupid, people should not do that because my business was doing fine.
I could have paid myself more.
And so the third year was more, but it was like one hundred thousand dollars a year, which in San Francisco is not like crazy amounts of money.
So but so there was like a long period of like.
Not a lot, not a lot, not a lot, a lot.
And then it took like another three years to acclimate to the reality.
I love that reality.
It's pretty unusual.
Most people don't get the windfall like you did, but it may as well be the same thing because they look at the numbers and they're still feeling the way they felt when they were seven years old sitting around the dining table and their mom or dad said, how dare you ask for that?
We can't afford that.
And so I know you've been on a journey to spend more money.
It's awesome to see you talking about men's wear now, talking about taking your family, traveling like that's not easy.
That is really not easy.
What I find is the ultimate thing that happens with folks is they start to ask for help and they look around.
And they make two mistakes.
One is they ask for help among a bunch of other frugal people.
So I see this in the fire community every day.
Hey, everybody, I realize I've crossed my fire number, but I can't seem to know, like I can't seem to bring myself to spend money.
And then within three comments, people like you don't actually need to spend money.
It's actually better to save.
You should save it because who knows what health care is going to cost in 2065.
You're asking a bunch of frugalistas how to spend money.
You're asking the wrong community.
Well, it's like asking me how to go camping.
Don't ask me. I have no idea.
OK, that's the first second as they come around and they start to actually try something.
Maybe they eat out at a restaurant, whatever.
And the first time they do it, it's it's not particularly great.
Maybe they picked a bad restaurant.
Maybe they don't have the palate for it.
Maybe they hired somebody to come clean their apartment or house and they don't like how the person folds their clothes.
OK, that happens. So then they go, ha, this shit doesn't work.
I actually I'm a good person because I don't spend money.
I don't need to do all this frivolous stuff that other people do.
So they've created this self contained tautology, which ensures that they're never going to change.
There's a much better way to do it.
It's to build the skills now, it's to start spending on little things, discover what you like, what you don't become clear with your money dials, enjoy it, do it with a partner.
And over time, you learn that spending money as a skill is often as important as earning and managing it, too.
And I think that like the important thing is figuring out what makes you happy, because you like there's been times where I'll talk to you or me to you and we force what makes us joyful on to the other person, like, for example, you like fancy hotels and you're like, you should go save this hotel.
It's like that's just not, you know, I'm not I'm kind of this is a fake story a little bit because you don't do this too much, but or maybe even ever, but it's like, go say it's like fancy hotel.
You're going to love it.
It's like, that's not my I don't I don't get joy out of that.
But what I love is like services, like monthly services, like so for for you, for example, you don't own a house because you're like, I just don't get joy from that.
And I don't I don't know what your apartment looks like there.
But like, for all I know, it could be just like a very, very modest apartment because you get joy spending elsewhere.
And I think that that's like a really.
That's a really challenging thing for people to get over, because, for example, they'll say like, here's a really easy one.
They'll say like, buy a home, it's a great investment.
And I'll say, well, it's typically not a great investment or like that's not the reason to buy it and they'll be like, well, you're going to throw away money on rent and I'm like, well, you're not throwing money away.
I'm acquiring a service and it makes me happy.
And I'm also like buying I'm like, my money is now in the index fund that's growing.
So like, that's a good investment.
And they'll be like, so you shouldn't buy a home?
And it's like, well, no, no, definitely buy a house.
Just like I bought a steak last night.
I bought this steak last night because it brought me joy.
And if like owning your home makes you happy.
And by the way, it oftentimes could be a good store of value.
But like, which is a which is just a cherry on top.
But do it because you work and this makes you happy.
And that's a good reason to do it.
It's hard for people to understand just doing something because it brings you joy.
And I've been there too.
Yes, I love what you're saying and I love watching you on Twitter because you're one of the only people who actually understands buying a primary residence is sometimes, but often not a great investment.
Here's what I think.
I think that people use the word investing way too much, like I have a personal trainer, that's not an investment, that's a luxury.
If I if I were to buy a house today, that would not be an investment.
That would be the most expensive luxury I have ever bought.
I will lose millions one day when I buy a house.
I guarantee it, I'm going to lose and I'm going to do it with a big smile.
And you're going to be ridiculed on the Internet because people know you as the guy who has they say, but Ramit, you said never buy a home.
Well, illiterate people who don't actually read what I've said.
I never said don't buy a house.
I said run the numbers, then consider the non -financial and then, but yes, you're right, there's going to be a big problem when I buy a house.
Anyway, we use the word investing a lot to justify purchases.
Like I've had people who literally said buying a mattress, a $2 ,000 mattress is an investment.
That's not an investment.
That's a luxury. So and when I asked them, this got me very obsessed.
How do you know if you can afford it?
And you know what people said to me?
They were like, your back is the most important investment you can make.
I was like, hey, when I ask a question about affordability, your answer better have a number in it.
Affordability is a number, not a feeling.
And what I've realized is so many of us use investment to justify purchases.
But what's the Ramit approved answer to that?
My answer for an investment, I narrowly define it as something that can provide a financial return.
Simple. Otherwise, here I am justifying a $3 ,000 a night hotel.
Oh, their air conditioning is triple filter.
Therefore, the hair on my arm doesn't stand up.
Therefore, I can write a new book that makes me $100 ,000.
It's BS. Same for the face cream I use.
It's not an investment.
It's a it's OK to say I like this and I'm going to buy it because I like it.
That's totally fine.
Now, the affordability question becomes more complicated.
You have to know your numbers and you have to have your percentages dialed in.
But affordability is a financial question.
It is not about feelings.
And for the optimizers listing, I will say sometimes when you're talking to a partner who's not an optimizer, they want to talk about feelings.
And in the book, I emphasize how important feelings are.
You've got to meet your partner where they are.
You can't just talk about numbers alone.
But sometimes you need to actually engage with the numbers.
Feelings are good. You should spend a lot of time on them.
But at a certain point, you're running a business, the business of the household, and you need to look at the numbers.
So I'm obsessed with being transparent about money, particularly with ultra high net worth people.
The reason being is that there's not a lot of information on this demographic.
And so because I own Hampton, which is a community for founders, I have access to thousands of young and incredibly high net worth people.
We have people worth hundreds of millions and sometimes billions of dollars inside of Hampton.
And so every year we do this thing called the Hampton Wealth Report, where we survey over a thousand entrepreneurs and we ask them all types of information about their personal finances.
We ask them about how they're investing their money, what their portfolio looks like.
We asked them about their monthly spend habits.
We ask them how they've set up their estate, how much money they're going to lead to charity, how much money they keep in cash, how much money they're paying themselves from their businesses.
Basically, every question that you want to ask a rich person, we went and we do it for you and we do it with hundreds and hundreds of people.
So if you want to check out the report, it's called the Hampton Wealth Report.
Just go to joinhampton .com, click our menu, and you're going to see a section called reports and you're going to see it all right there.
It's very easy. So again, it's called the Hampton Wealth Report.
Go to joinhampton .com, click the menu and then click the report button.
And let me know what you think.
How do you get over disagreements like if you or your wife is complaining to each other?
The most common reason for these disagreements is there is no shared vision of a rich life.
It's literally one episode after another of nitpicking.
And the perfect example I have is a person who wrote me on Instagram DM and said, can you convince my husband to stop buying iced tea every day?
I said, okay, how much is it cost?
She goes, it's five dollars every single day.
We can make it at home.
I said, okay, interesting.
Hey, out of curiosity, what's your household income?
And she became very cagey, but I gently asked her to share it.
She lives in New York.
She and her husband.
You want to guess what they make?
I don't know what, $200 ,000 a year, $600 ,000 a year.
So what you could see is that it's really not about the $5 to him.
It was like, hey, we work hard.
This is just a little treat that I enjoy every day.
It's great to her. It was values based on how she was raised.
And why would you spend money outside?
A couple of thoughts when couples have disagreements, whatever the scale.
The first is I always ask him, what is your rich life?
Couples don't know.
They never talked about it.
They've only talked about why'd you spend that much on a drink?
So what do we want in our life?
What's important to us?
Do we want to travel?
Do we want to send our kids to this activity, get into all of that, which I go into detail on?
The next is to have your accounts set up so that you don't have to have $3 conversations, saying you said that the audience we're talking about today makes 200 or so plus K per year.
You should not be talking about $3 purchases if you're making $200 ,000 a year.
If you are talking about $3 purchases, you have misaligned your money systems and you probably don't have a rich life.
So the way that you set up your accounts to be united in a marriage, I highly recommend all the money goes into a joint account and from there, you each have some of the money flow to a separate individual account, a no questions asked account, which both of you know about, but each of you only has access
to your own. And if that person wants to buy the $5 lemonade or the $20 tip, it's totally up to them.
That's their money, no questions asked.
That is how you unify your financial relationship and also give each other a little bit of flexibility.
Yeah, I did that this year.
I have like my own little, my own account.
How did it change things?
You know, I think that even though you called me an optimizer, I'm a little, I'm more of a worrier.
And I definitely feel, I feel guilt, oftentimes buying things, if they're above a certain amount, maybe in the thousands of dollars range.
And so I put 20 grand into an account because I was like, here, I'm newly into, somewhat newly into clothing.
And I got interested in like the, the, the craftsmanship and a lot of like this Japanese shit that I love.
It's like pretty expensive.
Like it's like, um, $600 for like a button up shirt, but like it, I'm just like deeply fascinated by what I'm reading.
And I just want to like feel and touch it.
And it's interesting to me, but I would feel a sense of guilt about it.
So I was like, look, I've allocated $20 ,000.
I could spend this guilt free.
And so I will spend it.
I still feel guilt, but it's, it's definitely less guilt.
But now at least I know that like, I used to feel a little sense of I'm disappointing Sarah because even though she's like, I'm bored with it, I'm like, I'm taking money away from, from the shit that she could use for out something else.
And I was like, and I'm also like, I'm embarrassed to spend $600 of like a shirt, and I don't want her to know it came from all these, just being raised poor, uh, shit that like, you know, it, it never goes away.
You just like, it's just like any other like daddy issues, anyone ever, ever has.
You, it never goes away.
You just try to manage it.
Yeah. I like what you said about, I used to feel that I was taking away from her.
Yeah. And when I see in the way you talk about it and how curious you are, because we text about this stuff a lot is it feels to me now you are actually adding to your own curiosity.
Of course your family finances should be dialed in.
Of course, you should have all your ratios working and your money flowing.
Of course. But we should remember that two partners have got to be intellectually financially fulfilled.
It makes them better partners.
And as long as you're managing your joint money, you should be spending on your own one of the, one of the worst things I see this happens a lot with men is men become shells of who they used to be.
So you talk to a guy in their twenties, they have all these hobbies and interests.
You talk to them by their fifties and I go, what do you like to spend money on?
They go, whatever my wife does.
I go, we're not doing that here.
Answer my question.
What do you like to spend money on?
And a lot of times they've lost all hobbies.
I see that in myself.
I have to fight to to try to find some new hobbies.
Because if it were just up to me, I would simply shrink myself.
And so this happens to happens to a lot of people, but especially men.
And I want to encourage us to try to fight against that.
When I was kind of up and coming in my entrepreneurial journey, I used to make fun of like, like self development people.
What you you fall in that category and so do I.
And I'm going to start playing right now.
Well, no, but like I would make fun of you.
But like just the idea of like people would be like, I'm hiring like an executive coach or I'm hiring a coach.
I'm like, what? Like man up.
What are you doing?
And then I and then I started like hiring a fitness coach and then a nutrition, a nutritionist and by the way, a fitness coach could be like as cheap as like 50 or a hundred dollars a month with like future or one of these things.
But basically just someone to like answer questions.
And then also just tell me what to do.
And I started doing that for so many different things.
So I did for it starts with fitness because that's the easiest application.
But then you're like, we actually hired a home organization expert to come in and like teach us.
And I'm like, dude, this is so much better way of learning to like read a book.
And also like, you know, the book, YouTube, whatever, all of that stuff to get the general knowledge, but then have an expert come in and pay them money.
It could be a small sum.
Like you could do a lot of this shit for a hundred bucks, like a cooking class or something like really simple and group on if you really wanted to.
But like simple coaches to come in and teach you, but then the best situation is like some type of ongoing, like class.
Do you know what I mean?
It's like the greatest way to learn.
I love that you said that I also love that you said, I used to say man up because just think about what's embedded in that phrase, right?
That suffering is masculine and that if something is hard, it is therefore more valuable.
I think there's some truth to some of that, but I also think that there's great grits real.
Yeah, I agree. And I think that sometimes we make things too easy for ourselves and there is value in a challenge.
But I also think that there is no prize given for living a smaller life than you have to.
So I really want to inspire people to think about the things that you are interested in.
There's probably somebody who can help you enjoy it more.
I talked to a guy in the fire community and he was like, I just don't really like to spend money.
Like I'm good. So I asked him, like, what do you like?
And he gave me these generic answers.
So I probe. I really like to ask tell me more.
He goes, I love coffee.
And he goes, I buy these beans.
OK, and he's like, that's that was the limit of what he thought he could do.
I said, hey, what if you hired a barista to come to your house and teach you how to make your coffee in even better?
It never occurred to him.
And I love that he was receptive.
He later went on to do that.
Imagine that. That's a hundred bucks, two hundred bucks.
Incredible. I had a book that I read about posture.
I was like, I don't understand these freaking diagrams.
How am I? I don't get it.
So I hired them to come to my apartment and teach me how to improve my posture.
That posture coach was transformative for me.
Did it work? That worked.
Dude, it changed my life.
When we think about posture, I had something that was going on.
Like when I would stand, I would find myself crossing my legs.
It became uncomfortable in my back.
And I'm like, this is weird.
I'm like a young guy.
Why? And I finally, going from problem orientation to solution orientation is like a major shift.
We can complain about stuff all day long, but there's a certain point where some people go, I want to fix.
I found her. She came to my house.
The first thing that happened when I opened the door, she looked at me and she was like shocked, but she's like, what?
And I was like, hey, why are you looking at me like that?
And she, she said something to the equivalent of her average client is like 75 years old and I was in my late thirties at the time and I said, look, I've got a little weird thing, but really this is preventive.
I want to learn how to be better at this before I have problems.
And that is the dream of any coach is for somebody to come to you before they have major problems proactively.
We worked together, I think six or nine times.
She taught me, it's, posture is not just about putting your shoulders back.
It starts from your feet and your knees and your glutes, the way I walk.
She videotaped me walking and changed that.
And the pain, there's no pain there, but more importantly, I can understand how the body works a little bit better than I used to.
To the last question I want to wrap up, this is funny that you put this on this doc that we had, but someone messaged me.
He's a good friend of mine and I love him to death.
So I'm making fun of him, but I love him.
He was like, I want to come in and talk about credit card hacks.
And I was like. You know, like ways that you could save like get like 5 % cash back and shit like that.
And I'm like. I get why you like that.
And like sometimes that's always fun to geek out on like cool puzzles and whatever.
But like that's not needle moving to me or to a lot of people.
Like I don't give a shit about like, you know, 2 % cash back because that means I got to have like 10 credit cards and that's like fucking complicated.
And it's like just to make $1 ,000.
It's like I'm going to spend like 10 hours on this.
I'm probably going to forget the pay.
Like it just this is a fucking nightmare.
And you have on here, you're like fight for simplicity.
The more successful you get, the more you have to fight for simplicity.
I have found that to be true.
And this is definitely a champagne problem.
But I just like some things get as you get a little make a little bit more money.
Like you start thinking like, well, everyone else has a wealth advisor or everyone else is doing this or people everyone else is investing in PE.
Should we like do these things?
Should we do that? And what's funny is like maybe there's some other level.
I'm sure there is like when you're worth hundreds or billions of dollars where it's like, yeah, like you actually do need to be a little complicated, but for the most part, for most everyone listening, simplicity is the answer, I think.
Is that right? I think so.
I understand why when you're up and coming and young, it's fun to do credit card hacking.
I get it. And it's fun to just learn new skills.
I get that. But I have found that it's very difficult to turn off the grind mindset and to become much more calm and run things like a CEO, not a hustler.
I find this is true a lot with personal finance people.
I know people who are worth a lot of money and they still do credit card hacks.
And if we look at how much they make, it's a negligible amount.
I do it because I cannot turn the page on what got me here.
And I don't realize that what got me here won't get me to the next level.
So part of fighting for simplicity is that as you advance up, whether it be financially, relationally, et cetera, there are things that you simply cannot afford to do anymore.
So I would not afford to be able to open up 10 new credit cards to save a total of $1 ,800 per year.
That does not compute for what I'm trying to save and invest in my time.
So that's very important to know.
As you advance, you've probably got to stop doing certain things that got you here and think about what is the new chapter of my life.
You're the man. Thank you for doing this.
Thanks, Sam. Always a pleasure, man.
When's the book officially out?
The book is officially out January 1st.
Oh, sick. All right.
Two or three days. Thank you for doing this.
You're the man. We appreciate you.
I feel like I can rule the world.
I know I could be what I want to.
I put my all in it like no days off.
On the road, let's travel, never looking back.
Hey, Sean here. I want to take a minute to tell you a David Ogilvy story.
He's one of the great admin.
He said, remember, the consumer is not a moron.
She's your wife. You wouldn't lie to your own wife, so don't lie to mine.
And I love that. You guys, you're my family.
You're like my wife, and I won't lie to you either.
So I'll tell you the truth.
For every company I own right now, six companies, I use Mercury for all of them.
So I'm proud to partner with Mercury because I use it for all of my banking needs across my personal account, my business accounts.
And anytime I start a new company, it's my first move.
I go open up a Mercury account.
I'm very confident in recommending it because I actually use it.
I've used it for years.
It is the best product on the market.
So if you want to be like me and 200 ,000 other ambitious founders, go to mercury .com and apply in minutes.
And remember, Mercury is a financial technology company, not a bank.
Banking services provided by Choice Financial Group and Evolve Bank and Trust members, FDIC.
All right, back to the episode.
