I'm excited to meet Emily.
Me too.
I just hope he doesn't blow it.
Why would you say that?
Because he's Raj.
That's his thing.
Beckham can bend it, Ralph can wreck it, Raj can blow it.
Look, I don't want it to happen, but the odds are he's gonna find a way to... Oh, crap.
I know that girl.
How?
In a bad way.
Very bad.
Hey, guys.
Whatever you hear tonight, just remember I love you.
Hey!
Emily, these are my good friends, Howard and Bernadette.
Guys, this is Emily.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Have we met before?
No.
I don't think so.
You sure?
You look familiar.
Well, you sure don't.
I mean, you I know.
You I know.
You?
I'm a total stranger.
Even if you had yummy candy, I would not get in your van.
Did you go to that spin class on Green Street?
That must be it.
Since when do you go to spin class?
Wow, now who doesn't listen?
Emily, what do you do?
I'm a dermatology resident at Huntington Hospital.
And you know what that means?
Someone's skin's about to be softer than eppa.
This is making me crazy.
I know I know you from somewhere.
Oh, uh, Howard was an astronaut.
Maybe that's where you saw him.
Wow, that's amazing.
What was that like?
That was the most incredible experience of my life.
Up there in the space station.
Oh, my God, I remember.
Can I finish my astronaut story?
It was four years ago.
Please don't say it.
We were set up on a blind date.
Please don't say it.
You came to my apartment.
You're saying?
What happened?
Oh, what happened?
Okay, I'll say it.
I was on the way to pick her up.
My stomach felt a little funny.
When I got there, I asked if I could use her bathroom.
Please don't say it.
One roll of toilet paper and 20 minutes later I was so humiliated I snuck out the window and never saw her again.
You know what else I never saw again?
My security deposit.
I'm sorry.
I tried to unclog it, but you didn't have a plunger and water was spilling out everywhere.
Right.
Just water.
Look, I have felt terrible about this for years and I'm glad I have the opportunity to tell you just how sorry I am.
It's fine.
All my friends love this story.
They call you Clogzilla.
Get it?
Because you clogged up her bathroom like a radioactive monster.
Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Hey, it's not like cotton candy comes out of you.
So, Emily, why did you decide to specialize in dermatology?
I like cutting people with knives, and all the other jobs where you get to do that are illegal.
You're kidding, right?
She's scary, but it's a cute scary.
Can I say just one more thing?
I had some kind of food poisoning that day.
Sure, in retrospect, gas station sushi, maybe not the best choice.
Nor was climbing out your window and running away, but I think we can all understand how humiliating that was and I'd really appreciate it if we could move on.
Yeah, we moved on a long time ago.
I'm just saying.
We moved on.
Okay.
Fine.
How's your student?
It's all right.
I could have filled the bowl a little more.
Excuse me.
Where are you going?
I need some fresh air.
Been there.
The trick is to mix it in the Tovex in order to create a combustible gel that will generate over 8000 kilonewtons of thrust.
Cool.
Won't work.
Excuse me, but I've been working on this a long time.
Trust me, it'll work.
You don't see your mistake, do you?
There's no mistake.
This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.
Well, I've adjusted the formula.
Not correctly.
Okay, I've had it with you.
You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics.
And when it comes to applied physics... Uh-oh.
What's happening?
A bad thing, a very bad thing.
Get the door, get the door, get the door, get the door, get the door.
You're waiting for the elevator?
Oh, right.
Wait, it's you.
What'd you do that for?
I had plenty of time.
You're welcome.
Okay, I'll go.
Never have I ever been arrested.
So I drink.
No, it's only if you've done it.
Got it.
I can't believe you've been arrested.
I can't believe Penny hasn't.
Sheldon, what did you do?
I'm not proud of it, but I jaywalked.
Oh, no, it's like a horror movie.
We're trapped in a cabin with a maniac.
I'm surprised you would do that.
No, I crossed in the middle of the street.
Normally I wouldn't, but I saw an aggressive-looking Girl Scout and it was the heart of cookie season.
Anyway, there was a police officer and he witnessed the whole thing.
He arrested you for that.
No, he didn't do anything.
So i said you just saw me jaywalk, why aren't you doing your job?
Maybe i should arrest you for impersonating a police officer.
And then you got arrested.
Oh and how?
Never have i ever drunk milk past its expiration date.
Never have I ever canceled a dentist appointment.
Oh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.
Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.
Oh, never have I ever thrown, caught, or touched a Frisbee.
Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.
Never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
Well, we all have a past.
I think back to all the good times we had like when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.
I told him I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.
And she was my second cousin.
And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually.
And then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and that she wanted his little kosher pickle.
Of all the Howard humping hooker stories, that one's my favorite.
Okay, buddy, that's it.
Sit down.
Oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-Con?
Please sit down.
The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life.
And I'm proud to say it was with this man right here.
Oh, don't get me wrong.
Nothing happened with me and Howard.
There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us.
Oh, internet, this is so going all over you.
Jeepers, I'm drunk.
Thank you for picking us up.
There's a warning right there on the scotch bottle.
You cannot be operated heavy machinery after you've had a snoot full of this slurry.
Funny.
You boys have a nice time?
Yeah, it was great.
Low-key, like I promised, no hanky-panky, no strippers, just the guys telling jokes.
That's nice.
How about you?
Did you have a fun night?
Yeah, we made gift bags, had wine, and then went online and saw this.
Of all the Harvard humping hooker stories, that one's my favorite.
You know, we're not that far from my apartment.
If you stop the car, I can walk from here.
You ain't going anywhere, three-way.
You lied to me.
You said you told me about all the girls you've been with, but you never mentioned your cousin the prostitute, or Raj.
Raj!
Seriously, you don't even have to stop the car.
Anything under 10 miles an hour and I can combat roll into the street.
Okay, just to set the record straight, I didn't hire the prostitute.
She was a gift from him.
Shame on you, Raj.
That is not how we treat women in this country.
Don't you try and blame this on him.
Thank you, Bernadette.
Zip it.
I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was 10 into a one-act play.
And you think it's better than Tennessee Williams?
Why don't we leave that for future generations to decide?
Where no Sheldon has gone before.
It's the story of a young boy who is transported from the ignorant backwoods of East Texas to the 23rd century, where his genius is not only appreciated but celebrated.
KM.
Now, in this pivotal scene, Sheldon's mother, played by you, argues with an emissary of the United Federation of Planets.
Mr Spock, the role I will bring to life,
Okay, that's fine, but let's try and get you out of your comfort zone.
Why would we want to do that?
It's called the comfort zone for a reason.
Okay, the whole point of this is to loosen you up a little.
So I'm thinking you'll play the role of your mother and I will bring life to Mr Spock.
I'm sorry, you'll be Spock?
It's only logical.
Very well.
I'll set the scene.
All right.
East Texas, a warm summer night.
A woman, Mary, stands on a porch.
In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle.
Droning buzz of cicadas.
A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys.
Everywhere in the woods an owl screeches.
OK, OK, we get it.
You set the scene.
Hoo.
All right, just read your mother's line.
Shelly, Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciency stuff out on the porch?
Goodness, I'll never understand that boy.
But then again, I'm a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.
Spock to Enterprise.
Transport successful.
Glory be to heaven.
Some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air.
George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain't fooling no one and get your shotgun.
Greetings, Mary Cooper.
I am Spock.
I'm sorry.
I just don't buy it.
Just keep going.
Oh, my.
Your sudden appearance startles me.
We have been monitoring your son Sheldon, from the 23rd century and we have determined that he is now ready to join us.
His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy.
I understand.
Oh, Shelly, a man's here to take you away to the future.
Be sure to pack clean underwear.
Okay, okay, let's try that last line again, and this time maybe try choking up a little.
Why?
Well, you're losing your son.
Yes, but he's going to a better place where he won't get beat up so much.
All right, come on, just try it my way.
Pretend you're sad to see him go.
I'm gonna lead you in.
His unique genius is our best hope for bringing peace to a vast and troubled galaxy.
That's your cue.
I'm sorry.
I just love that line.
Even the way you do it.
All right, come on, come on.
Put some real emotion to it.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Vast and troubled galaxy.
Go.
Oh, Shelly, a man's here to take you away to the future.
Be sure to pack clean underwear.
That's good, that's good, that's good.
Mommy, why are you crying?
Well, because I'm going to miss you, Shelly Bean, even though you creeped the bejesus out of me.
OK, I guess we're improvising now.
Well, I'm sorry.
It's not my fault.
I'm just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks.
Oh, now don't you start crying.
You get in that spaceship.
Mommy's late for Indian bingo.
Mrs. Cooper, hey, it's Penny.
Yeah, I think I broke your son.
Hold on.
Talk to your mother.
Mommy, I love you.
Don't let Spock take me to the future.
Hello, Leonard.
I was gonna write you an email, but I'm a little drunk and spelling is a sober person's game, so.
I feel I owe you a splination.
I'm sorry.
A splination.
Penny?
Penny?
Penny?
Sheldon, go away.
I'm making a video.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll come back when you're alone.
No, no, no, I am alone.
I'm just telling Leonard why I broke up with him.
Oh, he knows.
The video I want to see is why you went out with him in the first place.
I went out with him because he's great.
If I kept going out with him, I probably would have married him.
And it's a little scary because I just don't think I'm ready for that.
You know, plus I have got to learn how to spell Hofstetter.
I know there's a D in there, but it keeps moving every time I try and write it.
Sheldon, what do I do?
Try to pass out face down so you don't choke on your vomit.
I am not going to pass out.
But thank you anyway.
Wow.
I know.
There's like two more hours of her just lying there.
Aw, you love me so much.
I married you, jackass.
I know.
And not just out of pity, like everyone said at her wedding toast.
You want to see the part where she falls off the chair?
Totally.
And here's every clock radio I've ever owned, calculators, VHS tapes, sporting equipment.
You have sporting equipment?
Well, it's just a golf ball that my brother threw at my head.
You can still feel the dent.
It's right next to the hockey puck dent.
Okay, why do you have a bin of pine cones?
I used to collect them as a child.
The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence.
A fact that when you tell your brother gets a golf ball thrown at your head.
So why do you feel you need to save these things?
I'd like to say it's nostalgia, but...
Every time I think of throwing anything away, my ears start to ring and I get butterflies in my stomach.
And then it feels like the butterflies get eaten by rats.
And then the rats get eaten by... Okay, I get it.
I get it.
It ends with dinosaurs.
I'm sorry if you think less of me.
I don't.
Really?
Because every time I come in here, I think less of me.
Why?
Because I'm a fraud.
No, I purport to be a man of the mind.
I've been such a vocal champion of the singularity.
But how can I leave my body behind and become one with the internet when I've never even thrown a toothbrush away?
It's okay, Sheldon.
I've saved a lot of weird things, too.
Like what?
Well um, did you know?
I have a microscope slide with a little bit of tissue from the first brain.
I ever dissected.
I have an old teddy bear I secretly wiped my nose on for years.
It's not a contest.
What you doing?
You said clean up.
I'm cleaning up.
You can't just throw everything in the closet.
You can tell me what to do or you can tell me how to do it, but you can't do both.
This isn't sex.
What if someone looks in there?
They're just coming over for dinner.
No one's going to look in the closet.
You don't know that.
What if someone's looking for the bathroom and they open that door?
Could work out.
For all we know, there's a toilet in there somewhere.
Fine, but after tonight, we need to get a handle on this mess.
You know what we should do?
We should show the closet to Sheldon.
Why?
Are you kidding?
He's like a savant at organizing.
Did you know everything in his apartment has a label on it?
Including his label maker, which has a label that says label maker.
And if you look really close at that label maker label, you'll see a label that says label.
It's our guest.
We can't just ask him to straighten our closet.
No, we wouldn't ask him.
We'd just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.
Ooh, it smells good.
Thanks.
And Sheldon, I know tonight's the night you ate Thai food, so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients and made it from scratch.
Oh, you shouldn't have.
Oh, it's my pleasure.
No, you really shouldn't have.
I brought my own.
You stopped and got him takeout?
I had no choice.
He kept kicking the back of my seat.
Sheldon, I've been cooking all day.
Well, now don't you feel silly?
Show him the closet.
These spring rolls are amazing.
Good job, Bernadette.
That's the takeout that Sheldon brought.
Oh, well, I'm sure they wouldn't have tasted nearly as good if I hadn't tried your food first.
Howard, did you want your clothes arranged seasonally or by color?
Color's fine.
They're wrong.
They'll be arranged seasonally.
Sheldon, aren't you gonna spend a little time with Amy?
Oh, it's okay.
I'm used to it.
The other day at Whole Foods, he spent an hour optimizing the cheese aisle.
Yeah, and some thanks I got.
The assistant manager chased me out with an artisanal salami.
His quirks just make you love him more.
Someone please agree with me.
Sheldon, come on, it's getting late, time to go.
Oh, five more minutes.
That's what you said five minutes ago.
Amy and Penny are already in the car, let's move it.
How come I never get to do anything I wanna do?
You know, if he really wants to stay and finish, I can give him a ride home.
Please, Leonard, he said it's okay.
Sheldon, it's, wait, I can go home without you, bye.
Howard, I have a few questions.
I found three bowling pins.
Now, do you juggle these or are you missing seven?
Juggle.
You health nuts kill me.
Oh my God, it's beautiful.
And look, you found the juggling pins I hid.
A couple more items.
Howard, I found this letter from your dad in a box.
Now, based on the content, it could either be filed... You opened this?
Well, I had to find out if it was personal correspondence or memorabilia.
Now, as I was saying, based on the content... I couldn't be less interested.
Come on.
I'll take you home.
Howard, did you want to know what's in the letter?
If I wanted to know, I would have opened it years ago.
The closet looks great.
Let's get out of here.
Can I bring this box of extra shirt buttons to sort on the ride?
Do whatever you want.
Thanks.
Oh, great party.
Howie, you okay?
Yeah, I just couldn't sleep.
I told you you shouldn't have espresso after dinner.
I know the little cups make you feel big, but it's not worth it.
It's this stupid letter.
No.
You must be curious.
Of course I'm curious.
I haven't seen the man since I was a little kid.
And a letter shows up on my 18th birthday?
What's that about?
Why don't you read it?
Maybe he apologizes or explains why he left.
He abandoned me and my mother.
Why does he deserve a chance to explain anything?
So what do you want to do with it?
Something I should have done a long time ago.
Really?
Are you sure?
Yep.
Feel better?
I do.
What is going on here?
Hey, Sheldon, this is Howard and Raj.
They work at the university, too.
Hey.
Hey.
I'll get to you later.
What are you sitting on?
I can't speak for these guys, but I'm sitting on my tushy.
It's a joke.
Eh, not a good idea.
Tushy is buttocks, right?
Right.
Yes.
Explain the couch.
Well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100.
Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.
But what's wrong with the furniture we have?
They're lawn chairs.
And there was no place for company.
Did it occur to you that was by design?
According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50 of the cubic footage of the common areas.
But you didn't notify me by email, so this is still a breach.
I did notify you.
Oh, you did, did you?
Drat.
Hoisted by my own spam filter.
What am I doing in your spam folder?
I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled, this is funny.
Yes?
I'm Leonard Hofstetter.
I called you about the apartment.
You said- I know what I said.
I know what you said.
I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
What is the sixth noble gas?
What?
You said you're a scientist.
What is the sixth noble gas?
Radon?
Are you asking me or telling me?
Telling you.
Telling you.
All right.
Next question.
Kirk or Picard?
Oh, well, that's tricky.
Original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Correct.
You've passed the first barrier to roommatehood.
You may enter.
Oh, this is pretty nice.
Bedrooms are back there?
That depends.
I don't understand.
Their existence is conditional?
No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
There's three?
Each more daunting than the last.
Have a seat.
Okay.
No, that's where I sit.
Did you hear about the accident at the bio lab?
Oh, what happened?
They were injecting rats with radioactive isotopes and one of the techs got bit.
Did he get superpowers?
No, he got five stitches and a tetanus shot.
Oh.
Well, that's disappointing.
Why?
Well, you get bit by a radioactive animal in a lab, you kind of want to turn into a superhero.
Yeah, but who'd want to become Rat Man?
Who wouldn't?
You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, squeeze through really small holes and shut down restaurants in a single bound.
And the best part of it is, if I were Rat Man, you could be my sidekick, Mouse Boy.
Mouse Boy?
Oh, you don't like Mouse Boy?
How about Kid Vermin?
First of all, if we had superpowers, I wouldn't be the sidekick.
You'd be the sidekick.
Ratman is nobody's sidekick.
Leonard settled this.
Of the two of us, who's the obvious sidekick?
Yeah, then, and who?
Twelve years after high school, and I'm still at the nerd table.
There you are.
Oh, hey.
Let me ask you a question.
What are you most afraid of?
I don't know, nuclear war?
Accidentally being buried alive?
Any of those movies where you get that phone call that says you're going to die, and then you do?
No, something very specific that we both know you, Rajesh Koothrapalli, are terrified of.
Well, type 2 diabetes runs in my family.
I thought of losing a toe.
You know, spiders!
You're afraid of spiders.
What the heck is this?
A jar with a big spider in it, of course.
Bravery test.
First one to take his hand out is the sidekick.
Are you crazy?
Perhaps.
Are you scared?
No, but it's a stupid test.
Oh, really?
What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to stick your hand in a jar with a spider?
Oh yeah, what if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to take a shower in the locker room and let other guys see you naked?
Come on, that's never gonna happen.
Put your hand in the jar or forever be revealed as my sidekick.
All right, I will.
How did you get so brave all of a sudden?
It's easy.
It's by just calling up your arm.
Please, surprise!
Do you go on many dates?
I wouldn't say many, a few.
What?
Your characterization of approximately 171 different men is a few.
Where did you get 171 men?
Simple extrapolation.
In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two.
During that time, I saw 17 different suitors.
If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias, and postulate an initial dating age of 15?
Whoa wait wait, wait.
I did not start dating at 15.
I'm sorry, 16?
14.
My mistake.
Now assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men.
Plus or minus eight men.
Remarkable.
Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
No.
Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate, based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before.
Okay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point.
So we multiply 193 minus 21 men before the loss of virginity.
So 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners.
Let's round that up to 31.
Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong.
That is not even close to the real number.
I'm gonna need a drink over here.
Can I hear something weird?
Sure.
In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was named an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
What are you talking about?
You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.
Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.
Oh.
I thought it was a game.
What's yours?
There's this guy, Jimmy Speckerman.
He used to torment me in high school.
Sent me a message through Facebook.
He's in town and wants to have drinks.
Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices.
An email from an old acquaintance or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world.
Slam dunking to sweet Georgia brown pig.
Just do it because he's not going to let it go.
And that's how it's done.
What are you gonna do about your bully?
Are you gonna see him?
I don't know.
Is this the fella who peed in your Hawaiian punch?
No, that was a different guy.
Was he the one who wedgied you so hard?
Your testicle re-ascended and you spent your whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down.
No, that was a different, different guy.
Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?
No.
Oh, oh, oh.
Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?
No, actually, that was this guy's sister.
All right, well, what do you think he wants?
I don't know.
You know, the holidays are just around the corner.
Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge the other testicle up there.
I told you, that was a different guy.
Oh, that's too bad.
Could have spent New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop.
Okay well, I've been poking around the internet and I think I found something we'll enjoy watching even more.
What is it?
Oh, just a video of Bernadette in a beauty pageant.
What?
Okay, I learned my lesson.
Making fun of people is wrong.
I haven't learned my lesson.
Play it, play it.
Hi, I'm Bernadette Marianne Rostenkowski from Yorba Linda, California.
You look like a talking cupcake.
You should pick me for Miss California Quiznos 1999, because I want to tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
I'll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really, really miss California Quiznos 1999.
Play it again, play it again.
Is that a VCR?
Yeah, Amy asked if we had one she could borrow, and I just want to make sure it still works.
What's on the tape?
Not sure.
I used to record a lot of Jeopardy for my mom, but if I push play, you see some naked people.
Got it.
What is porn?
Ooh, we were looking for vintage 80s erotica, but I'll accept it.
Hello, everybody.
I am the great Houdini.
Put it back on.
You look adorable.
It's just a practice tape from when I was trying to become a member of the Magic Castle.
I didn't know you auditioned there.
Oh, I never went through with it.
I watched the tape and realized I wasn't good enough.
You know that trick where you saw a mannequin in half?
Don't you mean a lady?
Thank God it was not a lady.
I'd just be getting out of jail.
So what's Howard doing tonight?
Oh, they all went with Leonard to confront his childhood bully.
Oh, terrific.
High school quarterback against four mathletes.
When Leonard gets back, I'd love to check his serotonin levels.
Do you think he'd let me draw a syringe full of his blood?
Well, he's not crazy about needles, but if you get him to go jogging, it'll just pour out of his nose.
I don't think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me.
Tammy Bodnick.
One time while I was in gym class, she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker.
Oh, that's awful.
Worst part was it was too big.
That's nothing.
In ninth grade, the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion.
Within six months, the nicknames began to fly.
I think the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.
Wow, you poor thing.
What about you?
Oh, I don't know.
Guess my school is a nice place.
We didn't really have bullies.
Come on, no one ever gave anyone mean nicknames or picked on them or put gum in their hairy knuckles, so the school nurse had to use peanut butter to get it out.
No, we weren't really like that.
I mean, look, we played pranks on each other, but it was never mean.
Like okay, this one girl, Kathy Geiger, got really good grades, so we blindfolded her, tied her up and left her in a cornfield overnight.
God, that's awful.
No, it was funny.
Everyone laughed.
Did Kathy Geiger laugh?
Uh, probably.
It's hard to say.
She kind of had an ear of corn in her mouth.
Who would have thought?
Fuzzy Fingers Fowler is best friends with a bully.
But I was not a bully.
Kind of sounds like you were.
Maybe a felon. you wind up in a cornfield.
Hi.
Hey.
What are you guys doing?
Uh, we have a bunch of Bitcoin and an old laptop, and it could be worth, like, a lot of money.
What?
You're kidding.
No, we could be sitting on a fortune.
Okay, let the record show I did not marry you for the money, but you just got way more attractive.
Damn it, it's not in here.
If only you had someone around with an eidetic memory.
I bet they would know what happened to it.
If you know, just tell us.
Well, excuse me, but if I recall from seven years ago, you don't want me to be a part of this.
Sheldon, you can't still be mad.
Oh, please.
I have grudges that go back to preschool.
Someday I'm going to find a grown-up Elaine Dwyer and eat her favorite crayon while she watches.
Is that why there's an Elaine Dwyer on our guest list?
Yes.
That night, I'm going to have the first dance and the last laugh.
Sheldon, please.
Should I be the bigger man?
I think you should.
Why'd I ask you?
All right, got his enemies list.
Ooh, he updated the interface.
You can search by first name, last name, or length of grudge.
Is time on it?
Let's see.
Yep, right here.
Sam Nguyen.
Great.
What did he do?
Hold on.
I have to agree to the terms of service.
No, I'm not a robot.
Okay.
Which of these are plants?
And we're in.
Great.
What does it say?
He knows what he did.
Oh, come on.
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
If Tam knows what he did, we can just ask him.
He's going to be on campus tomorrow showing his son around.
That makes Sheldon mad?
Everything makes Sheldon mad.
Yeah, look at his list.
Jim Henson for, quote, putting a terrifying giant yellow bird on television and in my nightmares.
So, Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?
He can't eat cheesecake.
He's lactose intolerant.
Okay, he can have carrot cake.
What about the cream cheese frosting?
He can scrape it off.
Forget about the cake.
How did you know that my birthday's Saturday?
I did your horoscope.
Remember, I was gonna do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively, through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Blah, blah, blah.
Typical Taurus.
So seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?
I don't think so.
Why not?
I don't celebrate my birthday.
Shut up.
Yeah, you do.
It's no big deal.
It's just the way I was raised.
My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
That's so silly.
It's actually based on very sound theories.
His mother published a paper on it.
Well, what was it called?
I hate my son, and that's why he can't have cake?
It was obviously effective.
Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist.
Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Thank you.
Well, I love birthdays.
Waking up to mom's special French toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Yeah, see?
That's what kids should have.
Actually, that was last year.
So you've really never had a birthday party?
No, but it was okay.
I mean when I was little I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind and surprise me with a party.
Like this one birthday.
I came home from my cello lesson and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front.
When I got to the door, I could hear people whispering and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.
And?
It turns out my grandfather had died.
Oh, my God, that's terrible.
Oh, it was kind of like a birthday party.
I got to see all my cousins, and there was cake, so... That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
You think?
Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.
Whatcha doing there?
Working on a new plan to catch the Roadrunner?
The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
Yes.
And this is a schematic for a bird trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury.
Yes.
What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
A lot of people are working on that research.
So what is all this?
My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, etc.
Interesting.
Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB.
What's KBB?
Killed by badger.
How's that?
It was Thanksgiving.
Uncle Carl said, I think there's a badger living in our chimney.
Hand me that flashlight.
Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.
Cam Nguyen?
No.
Yes.
Is my son done with his tour?
No idea.
We're actually friends of Sheldon Cooper.
Oh, I've been trying to get in touch with him, but I never heard back.
Is he okay?
If you mean physically, yes.
If you mean every other way, no.
So is he here?
Oh, no, he didn't come.
He's, uh, he's still pretty upset about it.
You know.
I know what?
Come on, you must know.
No, we haven't talked in like 20 years.
Right, because, you know.
I don't think he knows.
What are you guys talking about?
Why did you and Sheldon stop being friends?
What did you do?
And don't worry, even though we just met you, we think you're right and he's wrong.
He didn't do anything.
He moved to California and we just drifted apart.
Oh, come on.
There's got to be something.
What is going on here?
Hey, Sheldon.
We just met.
Sheldon, so good to see you.
Tam.
It's been a long time.
Not long enough to erase the sting of betrayal.
How did I betray you?
You know what you did.
Let me catch you up.
He does not.
When I moved to California, what did you do?
I stayed in Texas.
Do you believe this guy?
So he was your best friend growing up?
Yes.
Were there no other kids in Texas?
