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What if kittens played the glockenspiel?
What if unicorns were real?
What if you could fly or travel back in time?
We welcome you to What If World.
Hey there folks, and welcome back to What If World, the show where your questions and ideas inspire off the cuff stories.
I'm Mr. Eric, your host.
And today I'm joined by an incredibly talented comic book artist and writer.
You might know him as the creator of the mystery-solving graphic novel series for kids The Investigators.
I give you the one and only John Patrick Green.
Hi, thanks for having me.
Thanks for being here.
We've read every investigator's book, including the Agents of Suit spin-offs, and we're just huge fans.
John.
Can you let the folks at home know why I'm emphasizing the gators part of investigators?
Sure, yeah, of course.
So the investigators are naturally crime-solving alligators who wear vests.
That's what makes them investigators.
Their names are Mango and Brash and they work together in a world full of talking animals, living baked goods, robot ghosts, aliens and a lot more.
Yeah, these stories are hilarious.
They're heartfelt.
They use wonderfully ridiculous characters and world building to sneak in important lessons.
So if you love What If World, Mango and Brash are about to make your world even more wonderful.
Thanks.
Yeah, it's always fun to spend time with them.
And of course, we'll need a what-if question to make it happen.
This one comes from a listener named Charlotte.
Hi, my name is Charlotte and... What do you like?
I like chickens and what if a chicken laid a crocodile egg?
Thank you.
Wow.
A chicken laying a crocodile egg.
I love it.
Yeah, it's an amazing question, Charlotte.
You know, the investigators have a complicated history with crocodiles in particular.
Do you mean how Brash's first partner, a crocodile named Daryl, got turned into a giant salted cracker named Cracker Dial, becoming the main recurring villain of the series?
Oh yes, if only it were that simple.
That was simple?
Well, you see, there are mysteries wrapped in mysteries to reveal.
Far too much to cover in a 20-minute episode, never mind a nine-book graphic novel series.
Good point.
This episode might have a little less clue-gathering than your average investigator's story, but we're going to have a ton of fun as we find out what if a chicken laid a crocodile egg.
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It all started back then.
In the Gatorverse, home of Mango and Brash, better known as... The Investigators!
Mango, please stop shouting out our secret spy identities.
But Brash, the narrator totally teed me up.
And that's another thing.
We're detectives.
Shouldn't the narrator sound a little... noir?
How could he sound any newer?
We just met him.
Mango, Brash, report to suit headquarters immediately.
A comic book artist has gone missing.
That's horrible.
I hope it isn't Wes Joba.
What?
No, it's just get here as soon as gatorly possible.
We're here, General Inspector.
That was quick.
I mean, we could come back later.
No, Mango.
Time is of the essence.
Then, care to brief us on the case?
Oh, of course I care, Brash.
I'm just not sure what to say.
You see, our writer and artist, John Patrick Green, has been adult-sleeped.
Um...
I mean, kidnapped.
Oh, no.
How will this story have any sight gags?
What makes you think he's been taken, General?
We found this note at the scene of the crime.
It reads... Help!
Help!
Is that all?
No, there's more on the back.
Me!
Okay, but... Wait, I think there's more on the back.
That's not how paper works.
Sincerely, John Patrick Green.
Okay, I guess he's in some kind of trouble.
Wait, there's more on the back.
Ow!
P.S.
Cluckerdile has me trapped in What If World.
I don't know who or what a cluckerdile is, but I don't like the sound of it.
And I can only imagine what kind of sound a creature like that would make.
Is there more on the back?
I think you mean the front brash.
Give me that!
Help!
Okay, let's just go to this what-if world.
But how?
With some very exciting spy technology.
But we're already wearing our V-E-S-T's.
No, this is a different technology from your vests.
I'm just very excited.
We call it the S-E-A-T.
Ooh, ooh, let me guess.
Secret enchiladas are terrific.
That's true, but that's not what S-E-A-T stands for.
Let me take you to the bathroom.
What's that an acronym for?
Huh?
Nothing.
It's where the toilet is.
For those of you new to the investigators, Mango and Brash often travel by sewer.
And the fastest way to get to the sewer, if you don't think too hard about it, is the toilet.
General Inspector!
What?
It was just a courtesy flush.
You see...
S-E-A-T stands for stories existing alternately together.
No thanks.
I don't read books on the toilet.
It's unsanitary.
But you travel by toilet.
Can everybody stop saying toilet?
General Inspector.
What does the seat actually do?
It takes you to an alternate dimension.
You may meet people who seem familiar, but exist entirely outside of the Gatorverse canon.
Our universe is inside a canon?
I knew it.
Mango, he means we're going to an alternate universe.
Gatorverse.
Wait.
The universe is named after us?
That doesn't make sense.
There is no time to make sense of things.
You've got a mystery to solve.
But... but... But, feet, whatever.
Just get in the toilet.
I've got a good feeling about this.
I've got a good feeling about this.
Meanwhile, in a what-if world, somewhere between the what-if-verse and the gator-verse, establishing a complicated non-canonical copyright-free satirical, fair-use safety zone between the two intellectual properties, John Patrick Green awoke in a dark dank, yet surprisingly cozy barn.
I...
Hey, what?
Why am I chained to this table?
My book tour contract specifically says no chains.
But that could mark interpreted as no bookstore chains or franchises.
Uh-oh.
Without a free-range cook clause, any bookseller can legally trap you in a barn.
Curse you and your legal expertise, cluckerdile.
Though this barn is surprisingly cozy.
It's Swampfront property.
Oh, those are very in.
From which you will never escape a cook.
Ugh, I miss having awesome narrative powers.
I know.
They're pretty sweet, huh?
Mr. Eric, you can narrate me out of here, right?
Ooh, sorry.
I'm actually captured too.
What?
Yeah, our chairs are tied together.
If you, uh, turn your head slightly.
But you were just narrating.
I know.
I got bored.
You've been out for a while.
But what if we get stuck in this off-brand alternate Gatorverse?
I wouldn't worry about it.
All this stuff is non-canonical.
Except this clock cannon I'm building.
A canonical cannon?
Yes!
The Canonical shall rip through the fabric of legal documents and the multiverse.
Allowing you to create a mishmash of characters ripping off every comic book in history.
Not to mention TV, film, literature, and even beloved podcasts that sort of fly under the radar.
Exactly.
And with you two narrators click-captured, no one can stop me.
Except Mango and Brash.
I said, except Mango and Brash.
Hmm.
I was really expecting a Scene Dash there.
Yeah, me too.
Scene Dash!
Yes, it's me, the Noirator.
A character unique to the Alterna What-If Gatorverse.
Possibly.
Sorry if I'm late.
I only just started existing.
Hey, Noirator.
What is it, brash?
Oh, not much.
We're just trapped in the veil between two universes.
Yeah, all I can hear is your voice.
In the color orange.
And with that Mango and Brash emerged from the seat in an altogether slightly familiar yet legally distinct universe.
Hey.
Hey.
This place looks almost exactly like ARMS.
A-R-M-S?
The Apparel Research and Manufacturing Section?
Why are we repeating all the acronyms today?
Because, my darlings, you're in an audio-only universe.
Svenseptopus!
Ha!
What a ridiculous name.
I'm Hans Heptapus, you see, because I have seven octopus arms.
Oh, because hept is the Greek prefix for seven.
I never know when you're going to know a thing or not, Mango.
Or is it Mang-no?
No.
Hello.
Hans is waiting to give you your new V-E-S-Ts.
Hans, my stuff-a-la-bud.
What have you got for us?
Your new vests are equipped with an interdimensional comlink.
And for the first time ever, S-L-E-E-V-E-S.
A vest?
With sleeves?
That's a shirt.
Just try it on, y'all.
Très chic.
Wow.
The darted bodice is so slimming.
That's the sleeves.
Slimming lines every evil villain envies.
Investigators, we've lost visual.
That's a shame, boss.
I look amazing.
You always look amazing, Brash.
I need you to focus.
Oh, right.
Have you learned the whereabouts of John Patrick Green?
Actually, we're 12 minutes in and haven't found the first clue.
Then you've only got one chance.
You've got to do a detective montage and fast.
As long as I can bring a mirror.
Your vest has that too.
Nice.
Also, a cup holder.
Very nice.
Montage, gators.
Montage like a comic book artist's life depends on it.
But I don't have a cup yet.
Too late, Mango.
The rock music already started.
Aw, dang.
Investigators, brash looks in the mirror.
Hey, handsome.
Investigators, Mango found a cup.
Ooh, bobas. gators meeting a reindeer who saw a half chicken head out to the swamp thanks reindeer the gators loving their new vests and vests I wonder if they're still around.
Weren't we looking for someone?
I think they're expensive now.
Go, investigators!
Hey, look!
There's that barn in the swamp!
Now take that clock and dial downtown!
We finally made it!
Despite all those red herrings.
We have every right to spawn in this swamp.
Of course, of course.
Hey, did any of you fish see a half-chicken, half-crocodile head into that barn with a cartoonist?
He looked more like a graphic comic book illustrator and writer to me.
What makes you say that?
The shoes.
Okay, thanks.
Did he look dangerous?
Not even if you gave him a fishing pole.
Oh, great.
Let's go, Brash.
Finally, Mango.
A case where we're not in mortal peril.
And the investigators strolled into the barn without a care in the world, which is why they didn't hear the red herrings say Yep.
That artist looked as harmless as a lily pad.
That giant cluckerdile on the other fin, he looked like he could eat an alligator whole.
That's what it said on his t-shirt.
It's so dark and dank in this barn, Mango.
Yet surprisingly cozy.
What makes you say that?
The shoes.
Get those off your feet, Mango.
They could be booby-trapped.
More like shooby-trapped.
Or they could be clues.
More like shooby-clooby clues.
Cut!
And indeed the shooby-clooby-booby trap sprung, wrapping Mango and Brash in a 10-gauge gator-proof net.
Mango, Brash, it's a trap!
Jim!
John!
John?
But Jim John's warning was too late.
My name isn't Jim John.
I barely even go to the gym.
I probably should, though, on the advice of my doctor.
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack.
Indeed, if you did a little more cardio, you might have outrun me, said Gluckerdile, emerging from the shadows to reveal his massive chicken crocodile form, as well as his t-shirt which read I could eat an alligator whole.
You can't eat a whole.
It just makes it deeper.
No, not eating a whole.
His t-shirt implies he's going to eat us entirely.
My t-shirt implies accurately.
Then I will have your vests and be the envy of the fashion world.
That can't be your end game.
Crackerdile already tried to get our vests in book two.
Brash spoilers.
Crackerdile?
Yeah, he's from the Gatorverse, which inspired this weird knockoff world.
In fact, you might be a combination of Crackerdile and a chicken named Dr. Doodle-Doo.
Well, in this universe, my Puck-Puck Papa is Dr. Doodle-Dooned.
He laid my egg and infused it with reptilian might. so I could bark over the world.
Wait, so you're not Crackerdile back for revenge in an alternate dimension?
No, just up to the regular evil staff.
And your Doctor Doodle Don't Dad Laced Eggs?
Um, so does Daffy Duckbrush.
Get with the times.
Oh, well, hey, great.
Uh, love all the multiverse stuff.
Can you please let me go now?
Using you as buck-buck bait was just step one of my plot.
Step two is for us to co-collaborate on a new buck comic book starring a chicken detective named Well um.
Hey, listen, if you can't pitch to someone tied to a chair, your comic doesn't have much of a shot.
Why are you giving him career advice?
Because I believe that art can bring out the best in us.
Cluckstable McShamus!
Excuse me?
Claxtable McShamus, the detective's name.
He's a bird of a feather who flocks alone.
And I'll use the canonical canon to launch him into the multiverse.
Maybe he'll have a sidekick named Dr. Spider Super Mango Watson.
Meh.
Maybe this would make a better podcast.
Back!
No one listens to podcasts unless they have video.
Hey, said Mr. Eric, who had apparently forgotten he was here all along.
Oh, no, no.
I just wanted to let everyone do their thing.
Hey, Mango.
Hey, Brosh.
Big fan.
And when did everyone start saying Mango first?
I was the original gator.
Then it's settled.
Mr. Eric will help Cluckerdile make his podcast.
I will?
And Cluckerdile will send us all back to our preferred dimensions.
I will?
Yeah.
If any more phony Gatorverse characters appear, this whole universe could get shut down by a cease and desist.
Curse you and your legal expertise, Mango.
Mystery solved.
John, you'd better run before Cluckerdile changes his mind.
I'm out of here.
Good luck with the podcast.
Thanks.
So, Cluckerdile, how much do you know about microphones?
I imagine they are much smaller than regular phones.
Oh, yoke.
The end.
What if Cluckstable's catchphrase is, Now get about it.
It's great, Cluckerdile.
No, no.
Come on!
We did it!
Yeah, that was fun.
Except for all the running all the way out of the universe.
Jim John would be proud of all your cardio.
But hey, Charlotte, thank you for your question.
I hope you all enjoyed your story.
John and Patrick Green, what exciting investigators news is on the horizon?
Well, so much trouble.
The fourth Agents of Suit book currently is out.
And the next Investigator's Book is called Weather or Not.
That is spelt weather, like as in the weather.
That one will be out in June.
And I'm currently drawing the...
Book that takes place after that one.
And there are of course going to be more agents of suit books on the way.
And if you're a fan of audio, which I imagine everyone listening is, there are audio books of the investigator series as well.
I believe the first four might be out soon. at the time of this, and there will be more on the way.
But when I got to the Dr Copter chapter the first time I read it, I think it was like the first time I had laughed longer than my kids at one part of the book.
So just thank you for bringing this amazing comic book universe to all of us.
Oh, sure.
Of course.
You know, thank you for reading and thank you for wanting to bring these characters to life in a new and interesting way.
Thank you.
And John, is there anyone you'd like to shout out in What Is World or, of course, the Gatorverse?
Oh, man.
See, this I think I didn't prepare for because there's so many people for me to thank.
My editors and the publicists at my publisher Macmillan, my agent and anyone really who has supported me and believed in me on the way.
So folks at home, you can check out Investigators at your local bookstore or go to investigatorsbookscom.
And if you want to follow everything John Patrick Green, just go to johnpatrickgreen.com.
Of course, we'll leave those links in the show notes.
This series really does mean a lot to me and my family.
And it's loaded up with Easter eggs for all the grownups.
I've caught ones from Avatar, The Last Airbender, Firefly.
You can just tell that John Patrick Green is, you know, into the fun cool stuff and wants to share it with the rest of us.
So thanks again for coming on the show.
Thank you so much.
All right.
Bye.
See you next time.
Bye.
I'd like to thank Karen O'Keefe, my co-creator, our special guest john patrick green, my producer, miss lynn craig martinson, for our theme song, and all you investigators at home, whether you are actual gators or not, your curiosity is your superpower.
So until we meet again, keep wondering.
