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Hey there, it's Mr. Eric.
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We're all out of the ordinary folks and welcome back to what if world, the show, where your questions and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories.
I'm mr eric, your host, and today we're starting off with a question from a patron named parker.
Hello, my name is parker and one of my favorite things is one piece, and my what if?
Question is what if ronald zorro from one piece got the sort of what if?
Thank you bye, Thank you, bye.
Wow.
Parker, the coolest thing about this question is I had heard it last week and had started coming up with this story before you even became our patron.
Now, if you were listening closely, you might have got a hint of the fact that I cut this question off early because the rest of Parker's idea was just too funny to spoil in advance.
But we shall meet a character inspired by the show One Piece in this piratey tale.
Now we are answering another question with this story, and we get different versions of this question every year.
Like when Oliver asked, what if trees could walk and talk?
Kids like Zoe, Madeline Haley Kathy Elijah, Greta and our patron Colin have asked variations of this question.
And a listener named Maddie asked, what if trees grew in water?
So thanks to every kid who has called in their ideas.
If you wanted a story about trees walking and talking, well then this one's for you and all of you.
So let's find out.
What if trees grew in water, could walk and talk?
And what if a character inspired by Roanowazoro from One Piece got the sword of?
What if
Your story starts after a quick break.
Hey grown-ups!
As parents, we know how quickly family time can turn into scrolling time, with everyone defaulting to their own devices after a long day.
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Something fun for those cozy fall nights when no one wants to leave the house.
We've found the answer.
Next, Playground, an active game system where your body powers the play.
It's 100% motion-driven gaming.
No controllers or wearables needed.
Just move naturally to play.
The game library is packed with family favorites.
Join Bluey in a game of keepy-uppy, go on adventures with How to Train Your Dragon, dance with Barbie, pop bubbles in Gabby's dollhouse or master some moves with Kung Fu Panda.
Actually, that's the one I play by myself when I want to get a really good workout.
Even better, Playground is kid-safe, with no ads, in-app purchases, or mature content.
It's the perfect way to turn screen time into active playtime.
Today, Mamma Jamma and I got to meet one of the cutest baby animals ever Choo Choo, the little live pet's baby panda.
Oh, and Choo Choo's so sweet.
He makes the cutest sounds, just like a real baby panda.
That's right, with over 50 sounds and reactions.
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And after his snack, you can place him on the potty.
He does a little potty dance, kick, kick, kick, and then he goes poo.
Oh, it's so funny.
But don't worry, when he's done, you can flush it away for repeat play.
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If you cuddle him close, he'll drift right off, just like a real baby panda.
Feed him, love him, care for him, and Choo-Choo will quickly become your most cherished little best friend.
He's the baby panda I never knew I needed.
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Now, you might not know it.
I sure didn't before I started researching for this episode.
But there is one type of tree that can grow directly in salt water.
It's called a mangrove tree.
So it's no surprise that in What If World, one of the greatest pirates ever born that you've never heard about until now indeed grew up as a walking, talking mangrove tree.
His name was Zoranok Saltroot.
And not only did he fancy himself one of the greatest pirates in the world, but also one of the greatest sword masters.
They don't need you to sing my praises, Mr. Eric.
Said Zoranok, already giving me the business even though he was a brand new character.
I don't need to be old to have confidence.
Good point.
And your listeners don't need you to describe my awesome sword fighting skills.
They can just see for themselves.
Ah.
With their imaginations.
Fair enough.
He trained night and day.
Resting for a few hours each morning in the wetlantic ocean.
Before getting right back to it.
He had mastered every sword fighting style known.
And not just known to humans.
But also trees, fish, mammals, birds, and even a few of the near extinct dinosaur styles.
Zoranok was truly a force to be reckoned with.
Unfortunately for him.
Pity.
I have finally found you.
Here said Petey the Pirate, as Zoranok pulled himself up out of the Atlantic Ocean onto the deck of Petey's pirate ship.
So we have, and what can I do for you, my good pirate?
I have heard that you are the most popular pirate in What If World.
Oh, you flatter me.
But there's also Petrina, Potty, and Polly the Pirates.
They're quite popular.
But obviously the most popular pirate would be the most powerful.
That is why I am here to face you down in Mortal Kombat.
Hey, what now?
Draw your cutlass.
I use three.
Well, that's hardly fair.
You're a tree person.
You can just use an extra arm.
No, I only grew two arms.
I hold the third one with my mouth.
Your mouth?
Yes, see?
Zoranok quickly drew three cutlasses and put the handle of one into his teeth.
Now what?
I'm your space sweetie.
Face me to prove who is the most powerful pirate of all.
I'll pass.
You win.
You're the most powerful pirate.
Congratulations.
Uh, what?
I'm not really one of those fighting pirates.
I'm more of a explorer and entrepreneur.
Ah, treasure hunter.
Then I arrest you for the theft of all these treasures that you doubtless took without restoring them to their original owners.
Or the ancestors of those owners.
I know the new pirate code.
I invented it.
You did?
Well, no, but Trina did.
But I added the or their ancestors part, because that's important too.
Right, because if you do finders keepers with objects, then where does it stop?
Land, pets, buried nuts.
Well, okay.
So you're probably not a pirate criminal.
Zoranok was feeling disappointed.
He really wanted to face down a mighty adversary or hunt an unlawful pirate, but Petey didn't seem to be either of those.
Hey, I'm mighty in me own righty.
I'm sure you are, Petey.
But if you won't face me, I must needs find someone who will.
Okay.
Well, here's your third sword, said Petey, careful to pick it up by the part, that wasn't just in Zoranok's mouth.
You know, I once worked as Petey the Periodontist, and your mouth really wasn't built for holding and swinging swords.
That's why I practiced every day from a young age.
I'm just saying, you're a tree person.
Why not grow an extra hand?
Because that wouldn't be as cool.
As cool as sucking on a sword?
I don't suck on it.
It's just hard to swallow when it's in your mouth.
So the saliva Well, if your jaw ever separates or some such, here's me card.
Oh, fine.
But do you know any...
Genuinely powerful pirates.
I mean, Petrina.
Wait, Queen Petty?
I think that was one of her many pirate monikers over the years, yes.
I must face this queen.
Surely she has crimes to answer for, or at least wants to spar with me.
Suit yourself.
You're to head to the Dread Swamp with rodents of extraordinary size, fire geysers, thorny tangling vines and literal poison rain falling from the sky every half hour.
Then take a left right before you reach the swamp and there you'll find Petty's cabin.
And thus Zoranok Saltroot, pirate hunter and sword master, set off on an epically mundane and boring walk to ride outside the really cool swamp.
And there, he found the cabin of the most legendary pirate what-if-world had ever seen.
Avast, Queen Petty, said Zoranok, kicking in the door and drawing his three swords.
I am here to face you!
What's that, sweetie?
Why, you've come to face you!
You've come to face me?
Well, here's me face.
Is there something you wanted to say?
Petrina's tight dreadlocks were mostly gray and while she was half the height of Zoranok, she was easily one-eighth the weight of the solid wood mangrove groveman.
I challenge you to a duel!
Oh, a duel, you say?
Well, if you insist.
And with a snap of her fingers, vines from the dread swamp breached in through her open door.
Hangling up Zoranok before he could move a muscle.
Hey!
No fair!
So it would be fair for you to use your muscle, but not for little old me to use me magic?
Okay, I'm just gonna take the sword out of your mouth.
You really do drool a lot.
It's hard to swallow when you're holding a sword between your teeth.
Zoranok, I'd spar you one-on-one.
If you asked nicely.
But even then, I'm afraid I wouldn't be much of a challenge for you.
Oh, I just want to move my body, be epic, do cool stuff.
Oh, don't we all?
Even old people?
Oh, don't start with that, of course.
But you seem like you need a real challenge.
I do.
Someone who'd actually enjoy sparring with you.
Yeah.
It probably wouldn't hurt if they were at least a little bit villainous, I sense.
Oh, that'd be great.
Fortunately for you, I believe that children should be allowed to do dangerous things carefully.
I'm not a child, and I don't need to be careful.
Well, then I guess you just won't need to learn where Cothunkle lives.
Okay, okay.
I promise I'll be careful.
I'll be watching over you to make sure.
Just remember to listen to Cothunkle.
And your own body.
Fine.
Now how do I get to him?
Let me draw your map to Squid Lake.
First you'll want to head around the lava pits.
Through the lava pits.
Uh, okay.
Then you can either cross the mountains of mirth or the mountains of mayhem.
Mayhem, definitely mayhem.
Then the path forks through either the baby sloth petting zoo.
Mm-hmm.
Or hideous vampire tarantula gardens.
Ooh.
How many baby sloths are there?
Eighty-nine.
And how many hideous vampire tarantulas?
Ten thousand.
We cut two Zoranok salt root at the edge of Squid Lake wearing a baby sloth petting zoo t-shirt and a hideous vampire tarantula garden's hat.
I circled back.
Squid Lake was misty this morning and Zoranok waded out into the dark waters, his roots soaking up the murky water after his long journey.
He heard a stirring to his left and a ripple to his right.
So Zoranok took a wide stance, stretching his rooted feet out just so, allowing him to half-wade, half-walk across the water as he floated.
Hearketh, uncle, uncle, uncle.
Face me, my new noble nemesis, said Zoranok. making his voice sound like an echo for some reason.
It's more dramatic, Mr. Eric.
Hurry up with the encounter.
And there, suddenly, revealing itself atop an island in the middle of Squid Lake was... A mermaid?
Yes, indeed.
A beautiful, glorious, scintillating mermaid.
Her red hair so long it was reaching into the dark water behind her, just as her rainbow tail was gently splashing in the water beside her.
Actually not her.
My pronouns are still he-him.
I just happen to be a mermaid.
Oh, excuse me, Cthunkle.
You should learn to be less presumptuous.
You know, you're absolutely right.
I'm really sorry.
Wait, this mermaid is Cthunkle?
Asked Zoranok, circling the mermaid warily.
Well, I am Arthin, a colossal squidopus of horror beyond imagining.
But I can change my shape and pigmentation at will.
And sometimes I like feeling fancy.
And as mermaid tail turned to pure gold and started shining so bright it began to burn the mist away.
Oh, well, if you're being a beautiful mermaid, you probably don't want to spar with me.
Spar with you?
Being an ancient creature.
Guthuncle had heard the word spar before, but no one had ever invited him to do it.
But aren't you worried I would destroy you utterly?
Wipe you from existence?
Swallow you with my beaked mouth and slowly digest you for twelve years?
Um, I am now a little worried about those things, I admit.
And people are usually worried that I'll cut them to ribbons with three swords at once.
Ooh!
Do you hold the third sword in your mouth?
Yeah.
Even though it's simultaneously impractical, improbable, and absurd?
Well, that's what makes it fun.
It's like how I sometimes like to put boxing gloves on the ends of my tentacles, even though it makes them less good at tentacticaling.
Tentacticaling?
Cthunkle's long, red mermaid hair started to stretch and lift out of the water. turning green again.
Whoa, you made your arms and tentacles into mermaid hair?
Yes, the tail too.
And this body was just my mantle, reshaped so I could lounge on this rock.
Oh, I love lounging on a rock while my roots dip into the water.
Zoranook, where have you been the last billion years?
Uh, well, most of that time I didn't exist.
Right, right, right, right.
But does that mean you wanna spar with me?
And as Cthunkle's tentacles rose finally completely out of the water, there was a boxing glove on the end of each one.
As long as you don't mind me using these.
Are you kidding?
Let's go!
Said Zoranok, a cutlass already in his mouth and one in either hand.
Yeah!
Hey, good one!
Not so bad yourself.
But can you dodge this?
I dodged it.
I'll stop it with my mouth sword.
You stopped it with your mouth sword.
You're going to need to see a periodontist after this battle.
I just want one.
Should we spare a moment to remind kids that they shouldn't spar with cutlasses in their mouths?
Or box with a squid using eight boxing gloves?
Oh, they'll figure it out.
Just talk to your grown-ups about it.
And remember the most important safety rule.
What?
And with that unbelievably unnecessary and theatrical explosion, their battle finally ended.
Oh, I'm so sorry I broke your... Teeth?
I'm a tree person.
I would never recommend a real human trying to do something as ridiculous as this.
But my tree teeth grow back.
No, no, your sword.
And Zoranok finally noticed that his mouth cutlass had half the blade broken right off.
I'm sorry.
You're just so bad at making friends.
No, it's my fault.
I promised I'd be careful.
Oh, but you were.
You didn't really hurt me at all.
Just like fun roughhousing ouchies, you know?
Yeah, same here.
I'm a recovering supervillain and I just have all this energy I need to work out sometimes.
I can't remember the last time I had this much fun.
Yes, well, as long as you're a recovering villain, maybe...
We could do this again sometime.
I'd love that.
Oh, actually, I have just a thing.
Cthunkle dipped below the water silently, leaving not a ripple on the surface.
Oh, that's some pretty scary monster stuff.
Awesome.
And he rose again in mermaid form, holding a sword aloft and one golden hand that was actually probably a squidopus arm, but in it was held a long, slightly curved sword.
Could that be the legendary Sword of If?
It's always supposed to be mermaids and lakes who give out swords, so I was just trying to you know.
Yeah no, it's awesome.
Zoranok reverently took the sword with his mouth.
Oh, no, it is just perfect.
Legend goes, when you swing it... But Zoranok was already giving it a test swing.
And out of the sword popped Ah, what are you doing dunking me in the water like this?
Fred the dog?
Ah, that was weird.
Let me try that again.
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Perfect.
I just spent six hours licking myself and now I'm dunked in a swamp.
J.F.
Cat?
Sorry, maybe there's some kind of Curse on the blade I didn't catch.
I know that a few more swings are fixed.
I don't think a few more swings will actually fix... Hey!
Yeah, what are you up to?
I didn't dunk me into water.
I'm using my helicopter to... Hold me, Fred.
Oh, I don't want to go in the squid lake.
Every time Zoranok waved the sword, another Fred or JF cat would fall out of it.
I'm just gonna put this sword in its sheath.
I lost the sheath.
Oh, you've done it.
Perfect.
I'm sorry.
I fled to my lake because I haven't been a very good president.
What are you talking about?
But I thought maybe I could start learning how to be a friend.
Oh, okay.
Then I'd give you a cursed sword and all of what if world spirals into disaster once more.
We'll figure it out, buddy.
But Cthunkle was already opening a portal.
Into the not-so-distant past of a not-so-distant world.
Hey, where you going, buddy?
Yeah, where you going, Kadunkle?
Is this because you think you can't do anything right?
Nice going, Jojo.
Yeah, way to put your tail in your mouth, cat.
I was just saying what the rest of you were thinking.
Probably.
Well, somebody's gotta go after him.
Not us.
We're all tangled up in each other's extra-long tongues.
I always knew this would happen.
Kadunkle, wait!
Zornook.
Zoranok called after his friend, but the portal already closed.
The legendary pirate could feel a power coming from the Sword of Ith.
A power of imagination, fueled by all of you at home.
Can you imagine a portal opening?
It would go to a few months back, in a world called Berend.
A place where Cthunkle knew his power, and thus his ability to do harm was limited.
Zoranok asked, His imagination wasn't enough.
The second half of Parker's what-if question was what if the sword of what-if spawned J.F.
Katz and Fred the Dogs all over the place, and that's exactly what was happening.
Uh-oh.
There's too many of us.
I never thought there could be too many birds to sniff.
And I only like cuddles I can easily escape from.
No!
And just as what-if world began to fill nearly to the brim with Fred's and J.F.
Katz...
The portal opened for Zoranok, created by all of you who imagined with me.
And the hero stepped through it, searching for his new friend.
The end.
Oh boy!
Oliver Maddy Parker.
I hope you all enjoyed the story that was inspired by your questions and others, including this review question from Miranda, who said I love this podcast.
It's very entertaining and informative.
What if Cthunkle was a mermaid?
I love it.
I'd like to also give an official meow out to Parker.
Oh, thanks, JFKat.
Yes, this is one of those very rare instances, maybe the only time ever, that a patron got their shout out and a question answered on the same day.
I...
I wish we could answer every question, and I'm so glad that we got to answer yours.
Thank you so much for supporting the show.
Parker, who's eight years old and says I'm his favorite character.
Yes, indeed.
Folks at home.
Can you think of an activity that you enjoy doing but might be considered dangerous if you didn't practice doing it carefully?
Some of you may know that I practiced and taught martial arts for many years.
And I also really enjoy indoor climbing.
Not to mention chopping vegetables.
I'm a pro at it.
Because I've practiced a lot.
What's an activity that you haven't practiced enough and you really want to learn how to do safely?
Maybe your grown-up can help.
Within reason.
No skydiving, sorry.
Have you ever tried to do something kind for a friend, but it backfired somehow?
Was your friend angry?
Did anyone get hurt?
If so, what could you do to make things right?
And if not, do you think your friend appreciated you, even if your efforts failed?
Talk it over with your grown-up.
If you imagine it going some other silly way, it might inspire your next what-if question.
And whenever you have a great idea, get your grown-up's permission to email.
Hello at whatifworldpodcastcom or call us and leave a message at 205-605-WHAT.
That's 9428 toll-free in the U.S.
I'd like to thank Karen O'Keefe, my co-creator, my producer, Miss Lynn Craig Martinson for our theme song, and all you adventurous kids at home who grow and build confidence by practicing dangerous things carefully and with lots of grown-up guidance.
Until we meet again, keep wondering.
