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We're all out of the ordinary.
Hi, grown-ups.
Today, Fred and I got to meet someone very special.
Cooper, the little live pet's ouchies puppy.
Oh, boy, Mr. Eric.
When I first met Cooper, he had a little limp and a rosy glow to his cheeks.
He needed my help.
That's right, Fred.
Cooper isn't just cute, he's interactive, with over 50 sounds and reactions.
He'll whimper when he's hurt and even try to walk.
But don't worry, puppies.
I mean, kiddos.
You'll get to help Cooper feel better.
You can put on his splint, wet the bandages, wrap them up and ta-da, you've made them a real cat, just like a vet would.
And once the cast dries, you can decorate it however you like.
Then give Cooper lots of love and care.
And when he's ready, Cooper will play his happy sound woof woof, to let you know it's time to take off the cast.
He'll lift his head, rest his paw, and walk to his cheerful song.
Plus, Cooper comes with a puppy carrier that transforms into a vet tray, so you can bring your new friend anywhere and keep helping him heal.
I love helping Cooper feel better.
It's like real vet play, but with extra puppy cuddles.
Grown-ups, bring home Little Live Pets Cooper the Ouchie Puppy today.
Available at all major retailers.
What if kittens played the glockenspiel?
Woo!
Woo!
Woo!
Hey there folks, and welcome back to What If World, the show where your questions and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories.
I'm Mr Eric, your host, and today we're starting off with a call-in question from a listener named Karthik.
Hi, my name is Karthik, and I'm from Seattle, Washington, and this is my What If question.
What if books could talk?
Hi, this is Karthik from Seattle.
His question is, what if books could talk?
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Karthik, for your question.
Now you might be hearing, what if books could talk?
I asked that question or a very similar question.
Well, to you, I say, thank you very much.
Nicely done.
This story is for you and all of you.
And now we're going to add one more question from a listener named Evelyn.
Hi, my name is Evelyn, and I really like horseback riding.
And my what if question is, What if Halloween was canceled?
Wait a second.
Did I hear that right?
Yes.
Evelyn likes horseback riding.
Oh, hi, Cthunkle.
No, I meant the part about Halloween being canceled.
Well, yes, it is.
Don't you have to travel on Halloween this year, Mr. Eric?
Yeah, but that's like a once-in-a-lifetime thing and my kids are still supposed to do Halloween with their mom- Nope.
Halloween is cancelled for everyone, and it's your fault.
That's specious reasoning.
Not anymore.
I'm sorry?
Thanks to the fictionary, there's no such thing as specious reasoning anymore.
Okay, I'll bite.
What's the fictionary, Cthunkle?
That's me.
Oh, you've brought a talking book.
Not just any talking book, the most correct talking book there ever was.
Well, I haven't met many talking books, but I'm still a little dubious of your claim.
Well, you needn't be.
Yes, that's the beauty of the Fictionary.
Just ask it to define something for you, like the President.
Okay, Fictionary, what is the President?
The truest source of truth.
And what is the fictionary?
The truest source of truth.
Mmm, oh boy.
Ooh, ooh, ask it, what is money?
Let me guess, the truest... The truest source of truth.
Fictionary.
I'm going to say something that I don't think I've ever said before.
That I'd look really good in a stocking cap?
No, though that's true.
But what I'm going to say is... I don't think you and I are going to get along.
Well, according to the Fictionary...
Mr. Eric is an agreeable fellow.
Well, maybe you should amend your definition to include the words, often but not always.
I'm sorry, Mr. Eric.
We're supposed to be cancelling Halloween, if you remember.
We're not cancelling Halloween.
I don't know.
You're not the fictionary or the president or money.
Yeah, but... Now let's find out what if Halloween was cancelled.
Which is the what-if question, so we have to do it, Mr. Eric.
Good point.
And what if books could talk?
Your story starts after a quick money.
A quick break!
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Zack and ZZ were busy getting into their costumes for Halloween.
Um Cthunkle.
Why is it that you're narrating- Because I'm the truest source of truth and thus the only possible trustworthy narrative.
Other than me.
Other than the fictionary.
Or money, if it could talk.
We're not doing that what-if question today.
Wow, the narration is a lot more sporadic than usual, ZZ.
Said Zack, snidely commenting on our disagreement, which was entirely Mr. Eric's fault, probably.
Yeah, and I noticed the narration's a little long-winded.
Like, we don't know where we are yet, or what we're wearing for our costumes.
They're both dressed as cathuncles.
And as they step from their rocket ship house, they realize it's still rocketing over the earth.
Alakazad, don't let us go splat!
Pulling out her magic wand and casting a floating spell on the two of them.
Which they wouldn't need if they were actually magic squidapuses like me.
I thought it was squidapie.
Squidapie.
A delicious pastry made of all your favorite stuff squished up.
Because you questioned a squidapus.
Oh no, not my Wendendo!
Wendendo.
Squidapus food.
Who is saying that?
And why is it taking so long for the narrator to describe us falling to the ground?
Asked ZZ.
As they began to float even more slowly...
Wow, this narrator is no Mr. Eric.
Mr. Eric, a pushover.
Wait, now you're changing my definition?
As the children fell to the ground I Cthunkle, appeared before them, holding the almighty Fictionary in all its glory.
Oh, the pages are made of all the different kinds of paper currency in the world.
Yeah, it's kind of illegible.
Illegible.
Only able to be read by the president.
I don't think I'm gonna like this book.
At last.
The children neared the ground.
Or what they thought was the ground.
Only... What is that?
It's so glinty.
And colorful.
And crinkly.
Yes.
As you probably imagined.
Because I imagined you imagining it.
And I am always right.
They were falling toward... Candy wrappers!
Mountains and mountains of them.
You could not see a building or a tree or even a tall hill, but you could still see meek a thunkle.
Because I'm big and awesome.
And because you're floating like us.
Whatever.
The children fell into the candy wrappers only to realize... Zach, I'm sinking.
At least we're sinking very slowly thanks to your float spell.
Zach, all these candy wrappers are empty.
This is the worst Halloween ever!
The children swam and crinkled their way through the mountainous pile of trash until they found their way to a slightly softer, more firm and stable pile of trash.
Oh, this is almost cozy.
But it does have a weird smell.
Yeah, not like old stale sugar and chocolate.
Which wasn't half bad.
No, this kind of smells like old stale feet.
Yes, they had crinkled and swam squiggled squirmed, climbed and sometimes slimed their way onto a pile of old, discarded Halloween costumes.
Okay, Kazunkle, we get it.
You think Halloween makes mountains of trash and that's why you're canceling it?
Cancelled.
Misunderstood.
Oh yes, children.
The Fictionary would never let me cancel.
I mean, end.
A holiday that created so much waste.
Waste.
Someone else's problem.
Okay, Kefenkel, can we cut it out?
Go ahead.
Cut up as many of the costumes as you want.
They have even more plastic in them than the candy wrappers.
No, they're made of cloth.
Fabric.
Not plastic.
Yes, plastic.
What?
Plastic.
Someone else's problem.
You know what, Fictionary?
Kinda sick of your whole deal, too.
Whoa.
Yeah, you two are blaming us for candy wrappers and costumes made of plastic fabrics, but we're not the ones buying them.
You can't save the world by just ending everyone's fun forever.
You can't?
No, Cthunkle.
I mean, even if you could, canceling Halloween wouldn't be enough.
Oh, you mean I get to cancel other holidays?
You had to say it, Zack.
I guess if you canceled every holiday that revolves around candy.
So, Halloween, Easter, the winter holidays, and Valentine's Day.
Zach, will you just stop?
You might make a little difference in the amount of waste produced.
Like how America alone buys about 600 million pounds of candy every Halloween?
That can't be right.
And how about 400 million dollars worth of uneaten sweets from trick-or-treating go directly into the landfills and oceans.
Well, now you're just being a bummer.
Bummer.
Someone who hasn't had enough candy.
You heard it from the Fictionary.
The three of us must need some sugar.
Then can we finally start trick-or-treating?
Indeed.
Hey.
The mounds of candy wrappers and used Halloween costumes disappeared.
And look!
Kids in costumes are going door to door!
We saved Halloween!
And we didn't have to do anything differently!
The end! wish.
Go, trick-or-treat, children.
Get something good to eat.
You don't have to tell us twice.
Come on, Zach.
Yeah, but we're still both wearing Cthunkle costumes.
Shouldn't we buy something else?
No time, no time.
The children were on a typical suburban block lined with houses and other monstrous-looking children knocking on one door then another.
Trick-or-treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat, said Zack.
Just trick-or-treat, you don't have to smell anything, said Zizi, holding out her Halloween toot.
Oh, a couple of cute cephalopods said a character who looked like Mama Gemma, but wasn't, because we are in a different dimension.
Oh, great.
Here's a little vial of potion for you.
What?
And another vial for you.
Why is my potion brown and her potion green?
Brown for boys and green for girls.
That doesn't make any sense.
And frankly, I don't appreciate you making assumptions about my gender identity.
Okay, happy Halloween!
The children peered at their tiny potion vials, wondering what they should do.
Oh, look, said Zizi, pointing to a gathering near the end of the block.
I guess we should check it out.
With some trepidation.
Zack and ZZ followed the other children toward the gathering.
All of the children were tossing their tiny vials stopper and all into a great cauldron, slowly bubbling over low flame.
What?
You can't drink cork and glass in the goo.
Of course you can.
That's ego cork and sugar glass.
They dissolve completely in boiling liquid.
Duh.
Oh, yeah.
We knew that.
We're native to this dimension.
This better be some good candy juice.
Oh, no, Zack.
We are not drinking that.
Cthunkle brought us here.
Oh.
But the other children weren't so squeamish.
One by one.
The neighborhood children took out their thermo mugs and each received a small ladle of the brew from a polka dot alligator creature that resembled Hungry Bungie.
Okay, let it cool down a bit before you take your first sip and it'll warm you up.
Nice cautiously, the children blue before taking a drink and suddenly transforming into slightly different monsters.
Now I'm a werewolf.
But I'm an ice porcupine.
I was a ghost.
But now I'm a purple ghost.
Hey, uh, remind me?
Asked ZZ.
When do these potion spells wear off?
Wear off?
Why wouldn't you want to stay a monster?
You're not from around here, are you, kid?
Are you wearing some kind of costume?
Made of Plastic-based fabrics?
Uh-oh.
And all the monster children suddenly started chasing Zack and ZZ.
What, Kabunkle?
What is the lesson supposed to be here?
Lesson?
I thought you'd drink the candy potion and turn into a monster and be happy forever.
I was trying to do something nice.
Well, Good Uncle, if you really want to do something nice, you'll get us out of this dimension.
Oh, fine.
And with a wet snap, the children found themselves in a more Earth-like dimension.
We're trick-or-treaters.
We're doing an eco-friendly bakewalk and treat swap.
Uh, no, good uncle.
People give candy to us on Halloween.
We don't bake for them.
Ugh, fine.
In this dimension, people trade seeds and silly sentences written on scraps of paper that children use to make their own mad libs at the end of the night Kinda sounds like homework Here.
Every few blocks join together for a costume parade where kids go door to door showing off their costumes and collecting kindness tickets with challenges like pull a neighbor's weeds or sweep their welcome mat.
Or do a spooky dance for them.
You spend the whole day and night getting neighbors to sign off on different acts of kindness and silliness.
And then you turn them in for community donated prizes or experiences.
So, chores?
Instead of candy.
In this dimension, you collect different musical instruments which are reused year after year as part of a scream symphony at the end of the night which summons a hundred foot tall snail dragon.
What?
No.
Wait, I want to see the snail dragon!
Here you collect clues from your community and all of the children help track down a local cryptid legend played by a willing teen or grown-up, or sometimes an actual monster.
Okay...
Here you visit fewer homes, but each one shares a riddle, a joke, a ghost story, or a song.
Do they share any magic spells?
Not in that dimension, but in this one.
Wait.
Oh, Fictionary, what can I do for you?
I think you're forgetting the true meaning of Halloween.
Witches.
No, it's not about witches.
It's about money.
I mean, candy.
And costumes.
Yeah, and we're kids.
We grow so fast, every year we're gonna need a new costume anyway.
Good thing your planet already has enough clothing for the next six generations.
Aww.
That's not something I have written in the fictionary.
Oh, excuse me, that's just a what-is-world fact.
Yeah, and it's not like you can wash and give away a Halloween costume.
Why not?
Because they fall apart.
Yeah, and you said they were made of mostly plastic.
So that means as our costumes break down, they just turn into microplastic.
Microplastic.
Fish food.
What?
Fictionary, that can't be right.
Microplastic is bad for fish.
Oh, um...
Fertilizer.
Kvenkle, where did you pick up this book?
I'm not sure it really knows the facts.
Facts.
Opinions.
Oh, is that so, children?
Uh, wait, uh, uh, individually wrapped candy is healthier because of portion control.
Well, that sounds true.
Uh, candy wrappers equals easily made into nice tuxedos for everyone.
That sounds less true.
Yeah, why are you listening to this fictionary cavuncle?
I don't know, it's kind of nice.
Always seems to agree with me.
Fictionary.
Define confirmation bias.
You're definitely right if at least one other person agrees with you.
Sounds right to me.
Then why did you cancel Halloween in the first place?
Huh?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I didn't, really.
I was just showing you the future that the Fictionary creates.
Future.
What everyone is happy, especially the trillionaires.
Oh.
Okay, so Guthuncle, you're not really canceling Halloween.
You're just saying a lot of our holidays could use a little change.
Change.
Children are resistant to it.
Redefine.
Adults are even more resistant to it.
Define.
Change again.
Not always profitable.
And again?
Sometimes takes community-driven effort.
Define community?
Uh... The people who give you candy at Halloween.
Wow, you've really opened our eyes, Cthunkle.
Have I?
Yeah...
You're clearly using your evil superpowers for good now.
See, I thought maybe I was being a little heavy-handed.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
A little.
Zack, will you quit it?
There's only an hour left.
Trick or treat.
What was that?
Trick or treat.
Can we please, Cthunkle?
Can we, can we please?
Of course.
And have fun.
But maybe talk to some of your neighbors about a block party that doesn't contribute to the 400 million of uneaten candy that dissolves into carbon waste and microplastic next year.
Sure thing.
I'll do all candy.
I mean, okay.
Time to end the story and uncancel Halloween, Cthunkle.
Oh, wait.
Don't put those cottony webs up outside.
It's deadly to pollinators like bees, butterflies... And... And hummingbirds!
Ooh, well.
Thank you so much, Evelyn and Karthik, for your questions.
I hope you all enjoyed your story.
Could Halloween still be Halloween without collecting little bits of plastic wrapped candy everywhere you went?
What could you and your family do locally next Halloween that would still let you show off your costumes and have fun in your neighborhood.
How could you still get to eat some of your favorite candy without having to throw away pounds of it every year?
And finally, how could you get creative with your costumes so that you might reuse some bits, donate others and still have lots of fun every Halloween?
Just remember, kids, Halloween's supposed to be about the monsters.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Talk it over with your grown-up, and who knows, it might inspire your next what-if question.
When it does, you can email us at hello at whatifworldpodcast.com with your grown-up's permission.
You can also help our show by leaving a rating and review wherever you listen, by telling a friend or by supporting the show at whatifworldpodcastcom support.
I'd like to thank Karen O'Keefe, my co-creator, my producer, Miss Lynn Craig Martinson for our theme song, and all you spooky kids at home who remember the wise words of Cthunkle.
Halloween's supposed to be about the monsters.
And until we meet again, keep spookening!
Okay, sure.
Hi, grown-ups.
Today, Fred and I got to meet someone very special.
Cooper, the little live pets.
Ouchies, puppy.
Oh, boy, Mr. Eric.
When I first met Cooper, he had a little limp and a rosy glow to his cheeks.
He needed my help.
That's right, Fred.
Cooper isn't just cute.
He's interactive, with over 50 sounds and reactions.
He'll whimper when he's hurt and even try to walk.
But don't worry, puppies.
I mean, kiddos.
You'll get to help Cooper feel better.
You can put on his splint, wet the bandages, wrap them up, and ta-da!
You've made them a real cat. just like a vet would.
And once the cast dries, you can decorate it however you like.
Then give Cooper lots of love and care.
And when he's ready, Cooper will play his happy sound woof woof, to let you know it's time to take off the cast.
He'll lift his head, rest his paw, and walk to his cheerful song.
Plus, Cooper comes with a puppy carrier that transforms into a vet tray, so you can bring your new friend anywhere and keep helping him heal.
I love helping Cooper feel better.
It's like real vet play, but with extra puppy cuddles.
Grown-ups, bring home Little Live Pets Cooper the Ouchie Puppy today.
Available at all major retailers.
