What if kittens break the glass?
But if you could fly or travel back in time, We welcome you to What If World.
Hey there folks, and welcome back to Guilds and Goblins, the show where your questions and ideas combine with our live in-the-moment dice rolls to bring you off-the-cuff adventures.
I'm Zach Jamilu, your host and guildmaster.
And today, I get to play with my big sister.
That's me, ZZ Jamilu.
But my character's name is Stream the Unitar.
She has a holocam that takes holographic pictures, which she can reproduce as illusions.
And she's half unicorn, half person.
Like a centaur, but with a unicorn horn.
And I'm Lola Rabbit here.
My character's name, of course, is Yamara Stormtide.
She's a baby ocean dragon, but she's also a detective.
And she's on the case to find her missing friend, Scribno.
Then there's me, Scully the Squid.
My character's name is Skull and Bones.
No, not in this campaign.
Oh, yeah, whoops.
My character's name is a penny pasta.
They are a pasta pussa person and an Italian chef.
They make a delicious, a magical Italian noodle food.
And they are made out of delicious Italian noodle food.
But don't think too hard about that.
And today, before we get into the adventure and finally find out what Patron Logan's secret question was, we have a not-so-secret question from Clara.
And we also want to thank Clara's sibling, Adam, for asking questions too.
Hi, my name is Clara.
And I like to go hiking.
My question is, what if the mountains got up and walked away?
Thank you.
Bye.
Ah, Clara, I love hiking.
It's part of where I grew to love animals so much.
And Zach, can I help with the recap today?
Take it away, ZZ.
Well, last time.
Stream revealed a secret city, hidden behind one of her holograms.
And in this city which had grown to be a part of nature, they went to a Teladoc to step into a portal pond.
Which was supposed to teleport us all the way to wherever that mechanical egg was, that trapped Scribno.
Of course before we could make it there, a creature stepped through the portal.
Rag or ruin!
A giant wet sopping monster made of wrapped together discarded clothes!
It was a pretty tense encounter.
Two of us ended up stunned.
Because I think someone was a little mad at me.
Okay, yes, I had some beef with my big sis.
It happens.
We worked through it.
And I'm gonna enjoy her being here for this game.
Even if she can't be here for every game.
Thanks, Zach.
So kids at home, feel free to grab your dice and roll along.
Maybe you'll imagine a completely different story happening.
Or just sit back and enjoy the show as we find out what if mountains got up and walked away.
Your story starts after a quick break.
And we're back, adventurers.
Did I forget to mention in the recap how, when you walked through the portal, we got teleported to the top of a giant mechanical egg that was flying through the sky?
Oh yeah, I forgot about that part too.
Chill, everybody.
Why are you sure that we chill?
You've got horse hooves.
You're probably the most likely to fall off this egg.
Oh, yeah.
That's not chill and I whip up some quick sticky pasta, basically a mush to help stream stick to the side of this egg shell.
You're under duress, but roll dare.
Seven plus four.
And won't hold for long.
But you use some of your most overcooked noodles to help keep stream the Unitar from flying off this sort of weird egg ship.
Okay, do we see like a hatch or a latch? or a handle or a crack or anything.
You're the detective.
Roll learn.
Oh yeah, I get the bonus die.
So I roll the little die and the medium die and I keep whichever one's better.
Oh, that's a two plus four.
As far as you can see, it's just one smooth, shiny sheet of eggshell.
Okay, well, horse hoof versus eggshell, I'm gonna bet on the horse hoof.
Can I just crack my way in?
It's stronger than your average egg.
Maybe you're stronger than your average horse.
Let's see.
I'll roll dare.
Oh, hey, you finished making your character.
I've been looking forward to it.
I just haven't had a lot of free time.
Anyway, that'll just be a d20.
17.
Crap.
You managed to make a little enough dent for Amara to slip through.
And for Penny's noodley body to squeeze too.
But it's not quite big enough for you.
As I go inside the crack, I'm gonna use my grow ability to turn into a giant noodle monster and force the crack open.
Alright!
You don't even have to roll for that.
Stream can now fit through.
But, Penny, you are stuck at large size for a while now, with all the good and bad that goes along.
Fair enough.
You slide through the crack in the egg and then you see behind you a bunch of little mechanical squirrels run up to the crack and chitter and chatter at you angrily as they spit out a kind of woody pulp from their stuffed squirrely cheeks, patching up the big crack you made in a matter of moments.
Okay, so we've got robo eggs and robo squirrels.
I have no idea how those two things fit together, but i am intrigued.
I want to like look around with my holocam and take all kinds of pictures of whatever's inside this giant egg thing.
A golden light, warm but low, radiates through the whole inside of this structure and everything around you is made of calcium carbonate crystals.
What?
Eggshells!
Read a book, you kids.
Hey, we can't all be animal buffs like you, Zack.
You're an actual rabbit, Lola.
And I'd choose some kind of fox-human hybrid.
Honestly, it's never really clear.
Yeah, I think it varies from story to story.
That's what happens when you live in an imaginary world anyway.
You're on a narrow scaffolding that stretches as far as the eye can see.
Thin railings pen you safely in on either side, but penny will have to squeeze, seeing as they're an extra big pastapus right now.
And how long until that fades off.
Couple of minutes or after your next challenge.
I'm usually the one looking to dive into action, but we got really hurt facing off against Ragor Ruin.
Good point.
We should, like, find a safe place for some R&R.
Do a team learn roll to see what kind of shelter you can find in this strange machine.
Which you haven't let me finish describing yet.
Seven.
Hey, does shelter count as clues?
No.
Amara won't be getting bonus dice.
19 plus 1, an unnatural 20, my second favorite kind.
That's a 10 for ZZ.
You walk along the crystalline scaffolding, passing by many sets of steps leading to half, any of them to hide while you rest.
So you continue to search until you find a finished egg.
Large enough that you think the three of you could squeeze inside.
Wait a minute.
Why are we going to climb into one of the eggs that are captured at Scribno?
I rolled a 20.
No way this can be a trap.
I don't know.
I didn't roll so good.
But if any of us take a hurt, we'll be stunned all over again.
I think we gotta chance it.
Rest before we meet whoever it is that runs this ship.
You two are the cryptid kids.
I'm just along for the ride.
Somehow, all three of you smush inside the large mechanical egg.
It would be very comfortable in here.
If an entire horse and pasta monster weren't smushed inside.
Wow, I've always wondered what it would be like to swim in noodles.
Oh, really?
Nope.
But now I'll never have to wonder.
You're in a duck stream.
Yeah, you fit right in.
One of you accidentally nudges a button and the inside of the egg lights up as the front of the shell seals itself closed in front of you.
Shhh!
Uh-oh.
And the three of you drift off to sleep.
This is feeling a little more trappy now.
When you open your eyes, you are all fully rested.
Penipasta, you're even back to your normal size.
But you don't appear to be in the eggshell at all.
Ah, what's this then?
It's the trumpet of travel all over again.
Hey, your characters don't know about the trumpet of travel.
Let's hear Zack out.
It is very curious.
You're back on the surface of Berend as the sun rises over the trees and the mountains slowly walk along their merry way.
Uh, wait, the mountains you're walking?
Yeah, I was Clara's what-if question, remember?
Okay, but how are the mountains walking?
And isn't that gonna, like, smush everybody else?
And just as Amara wonders that aloud, a shadow forms overhead.
Oh, boy.
And a mountain squishes you all!
The end.
Hey, Zach.
Okay.
I was half kidding.
As fast as everything went dark, it suddenly light again.
And you can see the colossal yet stubby mountainous leg stepping away from you toward the horizon.
Hey, i'm a pretty good about getting smushed, but i thought that you dragon and unitars had a bones.
I do have bones, but they didn't get smushed, so weird.
Click Holo photo.
As the mountain strolls away, you see it step over a little black and white stick figure house.
Scribno!
I fly towards him and I wiggle his way.
I'll do like a trot.
But definitely not a Gallop.
I'm still confused about how we used to be talking to his double and then he just like disappeared.
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention him disappearing.
Scribno, we found you!
And hopefully this isn't a trap!
Oh dear.
Says Scribno.
You see, he was cutting some two-dimensional wood with a two-dimensional axe.
But he puts the axe down as you approach.
They've got you too, haven't they?
Well, let's just get used to spending eternity in this strange world now.
Hey, we's not ready to give up.
Yeah, we haven't even solved the mystery.
Oh, what mystery?
We've been projected onto the surface of this world. while our bodies were frozen in time.
Ah, so you can essentially live here forever in peace and comfort.
Some sort of egg-projected hologram.
Interesting.
How did you just understand all that?
I am a trained holographer.
Duh.
As well, you should have all seen the training video.
So you're going to live forever.
We didn't see no video.
Besides, I don't want to be a projection of light or whatever, while my body takes a forever noodle bath.
Hmm.
If you did not see the training video, then perhaps you are not imprisoned as I am.
So, like, how could we free you?
Oh, you'd have to find my egg somehow.
But first, you'll have to free yourselves.
Maybe, if I wiggle my noodles enough, I'll accidentally push the button that closed the egg in the first place.
Um roll dare, but it's gonna be a hard roll because you don't know if you're moving your hologram body or your actual body.
That's fair, if confusing.
12 in 3.
You do a very impressive, almost hypnotic pasta wiggle dance.
But nothing happens.
That's okay.
What if I project one of my holograms back onto the ship and use my magical unicorn horn power to make it real, which I can do once per rest?
And then it pushes the buttons that let us free.
Wow, you really understand all this hologram stuff better than me, so why don't you do that?
Yeah, I love it.
Roll wonder.
14 plus 6.
14 plus 6.
Can you do that math?
Another unnatural 20 makes going stream.
You see yourselves begin to fade away as Scribno waves goodbye.
I will see you on the other side.
But you don't have another side.
You're two-dimensional.
I was speaking figuratively.
You awaken again, seeing for a moment nothing but noodles.
Yum!
Scully, you can't say yum about your own character's pasta noodles.
But I like spaghetti.
But then the spaghetti seems to roll and flop away from you, revealing a holographic stream giving you a thumbs up from outside the egg before fading away.
Well, that wasn't very handy.
Too bad I'll need to rest before I go again.
Takes a lot of juice out of my magic horn.
Somehow I don't think there's gonna be time for another rest.
And as predicted, you hear an alarm start to sound within the echoey egg ship.
Robot squirrel guardians begin to converge on you, each holding a shiny little acorn in its hand.
Oh good, I can get all the acorns and make acorn flower pasta.
But as one of the robo-squirrels drops a nut, it bursts, puffing out a cloud of fine dust that freezes every squirrel within a foot.
Now I'm remembering how Scribno said, All those people were frozen in time inside their eggs.
These must be some kind of evil time squirrels.
Whatever they are, they're about to pelt you with their time crackhorns.
What do you do?
This one's easy, kids.
Amara's gonna use her storm magic powers to blow the nuts back at these nutty squirrels.
It's quite a few acorns rolled there.
Oh no, an eight?
Do I have a hot to use?
Yes, for helping my mom make dinner last time, but then you're out of second chances.
A little better.
That's a 12.
Good idea.
And an okay roll.
You managed to blow back most of the acorns.
But they fly wild.
Only a few robo-squirrels get frozen, and Penny and Stream still have one acorn each headed toward them.
Pennypasta's gonna try to throw a meatball at the acorn and knock it out of the sky.
Yeah, six plus two.
Your meatball flies wide and the acorn bursts next to you.
You're stunned as time slows around you, making all your rolls hard.
If you get hit with one more acorn, you'll be knocked out, even though you haven't taken any hurt.
Dream doesn't have time for inventions or holograms.
All she can do is try to dodge her big unicorn body out of the way.
That's a 12.
The time crackhorn bursts.
But you're just far enough away that you don't feel its effect.
Can the Pennypasta get the big again?
And like, break the scaffolding?
So all the squirrels are left on the other side?
We're all there.
Okay, I'm gonna get it big again.
And back up, you tiny squirrels!
There's a 10 plus a 5.
Did you remember that you're stunned?
You have to roll that d20 again.
Oh, and take the lower roll.
There's a 3.
3 plus 5 is 8.
Not quite good enough.
As you go to give your dramatic speech, you realize how slow you're moving.
You still manage to break the scaffolding, but three squirrels get by and one hits you with a timecrack horn, freezing you.
Oh, Amara's mad now.
I'm gonna try to use my lightning to crack a cow these last two chrono nuts right out of the air.
We're all there.
Oh, five.
The wind was a safer bet, it seems.
Because as you snort lightning out of each nostril, the bolts go wide.
And you get hit by a crack horn.
Now your role's next turn will be hard.
Stream, you gotta save us, girl.
Oh, Stream will try to use her tail to gently sweep aside the last acorn without cracking it.
You've got to apply just the right amount of force in just the right place.
So I'll let you roll learn.
17 plus 3.
That's three unnatural 20s in one day.
You sweep the acorn back, and it cracks on the three remaining time squirrels.
They are frozen in place, but Amara is slowed, and Pennypasta cannot move at all.
That's when you hear a voice.
It's unfamiliar to Amara and Penipasta, but Stream, you have heard of this person.
And his voice sounds kind of like my voice, as he says, Why do you all fight?
What I offer you safety and protection.
We must squirrel away our resources to stay safe from the Stepping Mountains.
Is that Zach Amedes?
It's Squirrel Amedes to you.
And a giant squirrel climbs up a nearby ladder, wearing aviator goggles and a studded leather jacket.
His bandolier has several different enchanted eggs hanging from it.
Cthunkle turned me into a squirrel and he helped me to see that I must squirrel away as much as possible.
And save as many people as I can.
You're not saving these people, you're trapping them.
Trapped in eternal comfort, maybe.
Someone must have found the plenty gem of earth.
This is the only way I can keep a few of us safe from the mountains.
Well, couldn't you like use your eggs to help a few people at a time, and like relocate them rather than freezing them?
Then those same eggs, presumably, could go save other people.
Uh, doesn't sound very comfortable.
Some of these people are paying a premium to live in these eggs.
What are you saying?
Oh, uh, yeah, I guess your freezing has worn off enough so you can talk now, Penny.
Oh, yeah, thank you.
You're accepting a bribes to determine who lives in these eggs?
They're very expensive to produce and our wealthy patrons pay extra so that we can save others less fortunate.
I'm sorry, Squirrel Amedes.
Safety can't just be for the rich and the lucky.
How dare you criticize me?
I created the egg, Trix.
I saved lives!
And Squirrely Meathys, the tag-nologist, pulls an egg from his bandolier.
You don't deserve the safety of my cum-forbs, but I'll squirrel you away with the rest of the ingrates.
You can thank me later when I show up to rule you in the egg trick.
But isn't the Egotrix just like the real world, but everyone's a holograms?
I'm going to start with you!
Squirrelimedes throws a comforb at you, and it grows in size as it gets closer, a mara in stream.
What do you do?
I'll charge the comforb from the side with my unicorn horn. and try to deactivate it.
Roll wonder.
See if your horn can dispel the time magic.
Nine plus one.
A ten won't cut it.
You can push the orb away from Penny, but you'll fall with it.
Then I fall with it to save my new friend.
Boy, you take too hurt as you rattle and clang down the egg ship.
But I'll give you a heart for that, too.
Amara knows a little about technology, so she's going to use her lightning snot to try to short-circuit Squirrel Amity's eggs.
For all wonder, it's magic versus technology again.
Technology.
That's a 19 plus 2, 21.
Your fourth 20 or over of the day.
So, instead of deactivating his eggs, you actually trigger one of the Comforbs and it grows around Squirrelametes.
No!
He screams as it closes over his head.
Why are you so afraid to live in your own egg-atrix?
Oh, right.
It won't be so bad.
But I still don't like being thwarted.
Good riddance.
Hey, a little help down here?
Yes, Stream is still limping a few levels below.
But Pennypasta, you are now unfrozen and can easily climb down to get her.
Stream, you saved me.
You ever think of joining the cryptid kids?
You mean it?
Yeah, I'm sure Scribno will want you on the team as soon as we can find them.
That sounds great, but there's just one thing that doesn't make sense to me.
Only Iwana thing?
Yeah, I'm almost entirely confused, as usual.
Zacamedes is renowned for his egg enchantment.
But he never had time magic.
Only his friend Turtok the Time Tortoise did.
Then that's who we gotta track down next.
And that's where we'll end our adventure.
Alright, thank you all for joining us for this three-part G&G special.
The Cryptid Kids will be back before too long, but we get to hear a few regular stories next.
Hey, can you finally tell us Logan's question?
It was what if Zack and ZZ's characters were turned into squirrels by Gothuncle?
So Turtok's gonna be like Squirtok or something?
Or Turtok the Time Squirtus?
We can figure out the name next time.
Thank you, Clara and sibling Adam, for your questions.
Thank you, Logan, for your patience in getting your question answered.
And we gotta find out who got a plenty gem of earth and is making the mountains get up and walk away.
Kids at home, do you think it was fair that Squirrel Amedes was only saving a few people?
What other ways do you think the people of Berend could work together to keep each other safe?
And what kind of mayhem do you think Turtok and these walking mountains are gonna cause?
Give your imagination some exercise and then send your what-ifs with the grown-up's permission to our email.
Hello at whatifworldpodcastcom.
Or you can call 205-605-WHAT to leave a voicemail in the U.S.
And if you want to add free episodes, monthly bonus content and more, please go to whatifworldcom and help us keep this show going.
I'd like to thank karen and eric o'keefe, co-creators of what if world, our producer, miss lynn, craig martinson for our theme song, and all you kids at home who know that when we work together we can make the world safer for everyone.
And until we adventure again, keep watching.
