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Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode, as we, of course, break down the psychology of our twenties.
Let's be so real right now, saying what we mean and what we feel is really hard. And it is certainly not helped by some of the sensations we feel afterwards.
The kind of cringiness of feeling like we overshare it, that we said too much to the wrong person.
In other words, the experience of a vulnerability hangover.
It's something you and I, the whole world, every person has most likely experienced at some stage.
You know, you confessed your romantic feelings for someone.
you say the wrong thing after a night of drinking, you share too much, and afterwards it just feels like the world is going to end.
But vulnerability hangovers are actually remarkably and entirely normal.
They occur for so many reasons, the biggest one being that in general, when we seriously open and honest so many times we bring things to the surface that usually we are not exposed to on the day to day and that creates a major flood, a high, a breach in our walls and then the next day we crash.
You feel everything at once when you're vulnerable with other people either accidentally or on purpose and then you have to get back to your equilibrium.
Your mind and to an extent your body they're just trying to adjust and that's why this sense of being emotionally hung over occurs.
It certainly doesn't help that there is an implicit stigma around oversharing.
There is shame directed towards big emotions, and that at times, you know, people are going to betray our trust and let us down.
And so time and time again, we often learn to associate vulnerability with its downsides and its consequences rather than many of its implicit benefits.
But today my lovely listeners, we are going to break down, really break down, what is going on in your body, in your mind, in the social and emotional centers of your brain when you are vulnerable and in the aftermath.
And why so many of the current scientific findings are saying that our lack of every day vulnerability and the aversion and negative reactions we have to vulnerability is what is causing rising levels of loneliness, disconnection, mistrust, and division.
You know, it's this episode when I started writing it, when I started thinking about it, I was like, oh, it's this one thing.
And it actually turned into this whole other discussion around what we need as humans, what we aren't getting as humans, and how that is actually kind of hurting society.
all of it coming back to this one idea of vulnerability hangovers, which kind of seem rather inconspicuous but here we go.
There is so much to cover, so much to get into.
We're also going to talk about what you can do if you are currently experiencing a vulnerability or an oversharing hangover and just so much more.
So let's get into it.
Let's start with a basic history lesson and a basic definition before we get into some of the nuances of this emotional experience.
The term vulnerability hangover comes from none other than the brilliant author and academic Brené Brown who we know and love for her books, um, what's her big one?
Dare to Lead. I also love her book, The Gift of Imperfection.
she also did an incredible TED Talk called The Power of Vulnerability, where she essentially lays down this core platform or idea that what gives life meaning is connection and what creates connection is vulnerability.
And if you take all that reasoning back to its origin, essentially what she's saying is vulnerability is the most important emotion that we have as humans.
Now the reason so many of us feel so alone, especially in this generation, especially in our 20s, she argues that it's because really what we're struggling to do is let others see us deeply.
And we're very afraid that once they peek behind this curtain that we're kind of keeping up, soon they may see things that they didn't want to see and that WE didn't want them to see and they will find a reason not to love us.
And so any kind of vulnerability, you know, risks that kind of exposure.
So we avoid it. We keep our walls up, even though we do truly want to be known and we want to be seen by other people.
Part of our aversion to vulnerability includes the experience of a vulnerability hangover.
This feeling of regret, anxiety, shame, that follows sharing something and really personal with someone else, either intentionally or accidentally.
So this is exactly what a vulnerability hangover can feel like.
You may find yourself second guessing every single thing you said, ruminating, thinking about what you could have said differently but also trying to remember exactly how the other person looked, what they said, what you said, what their exact reaction was to certain pieces of information or words.
it's this kind of post -humous emotional monitoring of the situation, with the intention of almost trying to make yourself feel better and self -soothe, but actually picking further at the wound.
You may also experience shame spirals.
Why did I say that?
Why did I do that? I'm a bad person, I don't deserve to be around people.
Like, I don't deserve to have these emotions.
shame, shame, shame, getting you to a very low point.
There's this sudden desire to withdraw or an avoidance of this person afterwards out of fear that maybe their behavior towards you will now be different and that will confirm, once and for all, that you did misstep and say the wrong thing.
There's the urge to fix it, to downplay what you shared, to kind of go back on your word and also a real physical discomfort.
It feels like this mixture between anxiety, the desire to run away, but also the desire to stay still and hope that, you know, time will move on and you won't have to think about it.
There's this nausea, it's just this complicated, complicated sensations, complicated combination of sensations, I should say.
The best way I've actually heard it described is like, unconsciously giving yourself the ick from oversharing.
And really that's exactly what it is, right?
It's really essential to know though, right from the beginning that not all vulnerability hangovers are created equal.
In fact, there are two distinct categories.
The first is situations where we didn't really want to reveal something, but we did, you know, for example, or disclosing too much when you've been drinking, confiding in the wrong person when your instincts were already telling you it was a bad idea or, you know, just accidentally letting something slip, you really weren't fully prepared to go in depth on. The second situation occurs when we did feel like it was necessary to be honest and open, but we still feel really uncomfortable after the fact, even though we knew and we still know it was an important thing to do.
So after therapy, after a hard chat with a friend, after breaking up with someone, maybe having a deep and meaningful conversation with a parent or a sibling or a co -worker to repair a relationship, these are really crucial moments, they're really crucial but they are also really hard. So the two categories, accidental and intentional.
Let's talk about that first category for a minute, the unexpected disclosure and the vulnerability hangover that comes in the aftermath.
So this happens in a few situations.
Firstly, you know, something has happened really quickly and unexpectedly, so quickly that you didn't really have time to emotionally regulate.
So you automatically seek emotional catharsis with just the first person you see, because they just happen to be there, you know, you happen to come across them, You tell them everything, you regret it.
You've probably had this experience where you know you've had a really bad argument with your friend, you've just gotten bad news, you're really wound up, you're frustrated and then you kind of run into someone like you semi know and it just feels like you just need to tell them you just need to get it out of your system and so you do perhaps against your better judgment.
So I actually have a name for this.
I call this drive -by vulnerability.
It's kind of like when you get McDonald's on a road trip because it's the only thing available even though you normally probably wouldn't.
And it's probably gonna make you feel sick.
Like this person is your drive -by.
This person is your drive -through.
You know, you would normally tell a trusted friend.
You would normally choose the nourishing option but the urge to share is so overwhelming.
The hunger is so strong.
You take the drive in.
and you take the convenient option, even if it doesn't feel as good.
And you know, afterwards you walk away thinking, God, I feel really gross.
Maybe I should have waited.
But the only reason you're thinking that is because the urge is now gone, right?
You don't remember how strong it was beforehand.
The second situation where this is really common is when things have kind of also been silently building up over time and then there's this very sudden trigger or catalyst that causes this kind of emotional spillage with the first person in sight.
And it's basically a straw that breaks the camel's back scenario when you least expect it.
This can also be described by the term trauma dumping.
Trauma dumping, we hear a lot about this these days, and it's this kind of unexplainable, instantaneous desire to make your experience as tangible and more manageable by saying them out loud, by saying them to someone else.
Obviously, verbalizing our emotions is a really healthy coping mechanism.
It's an important one.
It's very important, but the caveat being is that you have to do it with someone who you trust and who has also opted in to having this hard conversation with you.
But in these situations, the ones we're describing, you find yourself trauma dumping to someone who you have no idea if you can trust, but also someone who you have no idea if they're actually prepared to hear it.
You just can't help yourself.
Trauma dumping is actually quite common amongst people with complex PTSD, you know, especially amongst people who maybe don't yet have the skills to cope with such a nuanced experience of trauma, so they're just looking for any kind of relief that they can get and sometimes the only relief is to share the burden with someone else.
There's kind of this occasional attitude amongst people who don't understand trauma dumping.
They think it's like a selfish act.
They think, you know, it's done without someone's consent or care to their feelings, it's malicious.
It's not malicious.
Often this person just can't help themselves.
And that side of their brain, the part that can rationally intercept and say, wait, maybe this person doesn't want to hear this.
maybe this is kind of heavy.
That's, that part of their brain is kind of switched off by all the pain they're in.
You know, they've lived with this trauma as well for a lot of years.
And so they maybe also don't realize that others don't live with it, right?
So there's an asymmetry, an experience that can be tricky because they've kind of adjusted to how shocking and traumatic this thing is.
And you're hearing it for the first time compared to them who's been living it for so many years, like they just perhaps don't understand and that it would really hurt you.
So the best advice I have, if you are being trauma dumped too, is to just be kind, to listen, but don't provide any advice.
Don't get too involved at that moment.
And don't be afraid to intercept and go, Hey, I just really, I don't think we should be talking about this right now.
I just don't have the head space.
Can we just circle back on this later?
Like let's set a time aside so you can really talk to me openly about these things and I can be in my most receptive state the state that you deserve you've got to remember sometimes it's really just the release that thereafter nothing more nothing less so the final situation where we really regret disclosure in the aftermath because we didn't intend to share so much obviously occurs in the presence of alcohol alcohol this is a big one for people in their 20s especially because so many social situations are alcohol based.
When was the last time you hung out with people and a drink was not involved?
And I mean socially, not at work.
Hopefully you're not drinking at work at 12.
I mean like with your friends.
Because alcohol is so prevalent in social situations, that combines two things.
Firstly, less inhibitions mixed with more opportunities to share.
And I find this is especially common when you've kind of run out of things to talk about.
Have you ever found this?
Recently I was at a friend's birthday dinner, sitting next to someone I've never met and the conversation was stalling.
And so I just like, told them something vulnerable about my life, just to like relieve the awkwardness.
And it wasn't something like harmful.
It was just super awkward and super personal because I just wasn't thinking clearly because I just was looking for this connection, and I didn't want either of us to feel weird. And then later I was like, wait, this person now knows this thing about me that most people don't know.
And why did I do that?
Alcohol obviously has an inhibitory effect on our brain.
It slows everything down, including our impulse control and our ability to make rational decisions.
So in the aftermath, this can also, of course, create a lot of anxiety and it can be hard to isolate whether that anxiety is because you actually embarrassed yourself or it's just your brain's withdrawal from alcohol, which is naturally creating and causing your, your anxiety to spike.
You know, that's the hard thing.
Alcohol makes you overshare and then naturally heightens your anxiety afterwards.
So you can't really separate the two.
If it's any consolation, nine out of 10 times that person is not judging you.
They won't think twice about it.
They'll forget it in a few days.
Like, I was trying, I was doing this thought exercise recently where I was like, when was the last time someone told me something when they were drunk and I judged them for it?
Or I was like, that's weird. I can't remember.
Like, I just can't remember, because we are not thinking about people that deeply.
And in fact, a study published in 2022 in the Journal of Experimental Psychology found that this is true.
We regularly overestimate how much people are thinking about us and for how long and actually people move on pretty quick but because of this phenomenon which is called the beautiful mess effect we generally think that our own displays of vulnerability are more visible and perceived negatively compared to others and that's totally not the case.
It is totally not the case that people are talking and gossiping about your vulnerability and that it is as much of a story in their lives as it is for you.
We're gonna talk about this a little bit more later on, how to deal with the regret of oversharing, but let's talk about that second category of vulnerability hangovers first. And this is the category where we intentionally step into our vulnerability because we know that the outcome is worth it, but we still feel rather raw afterwards.
So I've said this before, I will say it again, I will say it till the cows come home.
I truly believe that relationships survive on difficult conversations.
You cannot have a healthy relationship without having deep and hard chats at times, you know.
I believe that's the case with friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends, even colleagues.
You know one of my real guiding philosophies in life actually is that a friend is not a good friend until you have had a disagreement and you've made it through the other side.
Because now you understand each other so much better, because it required you to be vulnerable.
It required you to be completely exposed and to say please don't hurt me anymore, please meet me where I'm at.
And for those of the people who do you come out are so much stronger.
Despite that, it's hard, it's really freaking hard, especially if you're quite conflict averse.
Conflict aversion essentially means you really dislike anything that could lead to someone being upset at you, being disappointed in you, or discussions that would create unease.
Conflict avoidance is, and you may have already guessed this, significantly more common amongst people who are chronic people pleasers.
Now, the people pleaser's real mission is not just to make everyone like them but also to save themselves from the discomfort of disappointing others.
Because that discomfort feels a lot more severe to them than to the average person.
That can mean that they appease others, they're very agreeable, they say yes when they should be saying no, but it also means that they block out uncomfortable feelings, they let resentment linger for longer, and I found that sometimes it is more comfortable or easier for them to completely avoid someone, to maybe even ghost them, and to potentially lose the relationship.
that is easier for them than having a 30 -minute hard chat that could have, you know, otherwise saved the relationship.
And it's not to say they're cutthroat or they're cold or they're harsh, the pressure, and the feeling, and the thought of someone not liking them explicitly because of something that they've done and something that they've said is so much more uncomfortable than the idea of just letting someone kind of fizzle out of their life and never having to confront them for it, never having to have a vulnerability hangover.
I would really recommend reading the article called the complexity of people pleasing by psychology today if you want to understand this more.
But here's the thing, the longer you find ways to avoid disagreement, the harder it gets to appreciate the benefits of pushing past the discomfort of vulnerability.
This experience of vulnerability, you know, is somewhat painful in the moment.
But when you avoid it, and when you associate it with only negative experiences and negative internal reactions, like shame, discomfort, the ick, this can make it so much harder and harder to practice.
And it reinforces those same uncomfortable feelings when we do.
And they're so much more magnified because we're not accustomed to them until we trust very, very few people to actually share things with.
And any kind of disclosure is met with immediate withdrawal from us because of this long term association because we aren't in the practice of being vulnerable and I think at its worst, our avoidance of vulnerability, it can create real barriers to intimacy and real barriers to authenticity.
But here's the thing, I think that we are judging ourselves for our over sharing and for our vulnerability and for our disclosures way too harshly.
Shame should not be a natural reaction to vulnerability.
So we're going to take a short break, I'm going to explain why it is that we do experience so much weirdness and unpleasantness around being vulnerable and what we can do about it.
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The reason we feel such an emotional reaction is not because vulnerability is inherently or morally bad.
Sometimes we equate negative feelings to mean that something must be naturally quite evil.
That kind of explains the reason why we feel a natural discomfort when we lie or when we hurt others because we know it goes against some kind of moral code some kind of rule for how we treat others.
The thing is, the reaction we have towards vulnerability that has been artificially instated.
It's come from past experiences.
We have been taught, no one wants to hear your business.
People are going to use your vulnerability against you.
People see this as weakness.
People are going to judge you.
Keep it to yourself.
You should be ashamed.
And we learned this so, so young.
Think about the first time you were told to shut up when you were crying.
Or your very valid feelings were discounted.
Or someone rolled their eyes.
Someone told you to stop overreacting.
Someone sent you to your room for just saying, I feel sad or I feel in pain or I feel uncomfortable.
That shame around vulnerability starts very, very early, and research will tell you that the experience of shame as a child makes children feel as though they are inadequate, it creates sensations of humiliation, it makes us see ourselves in a negative light, but it also creates a behavioral loop in which we learn through social conditioning, not to repeat those same actions that put us into this place of unpleasantness and shame.
So we avoid vulnerability because again of that artificial association with being scolded, with being ashamed, with being told not to have big emotions.
But if you were raised in an environment where this wasn't the case you would not have this association.
It just wouldn't exist because again you're not naturally meant to feel this way.
This emotional reaction is something inflicted on us by early experiences and by a toxic approach to vulnerability that has been, quite frankly, I think brewing for generations.
So shame is the first core ingredient behind vulnerability hangovers.
The second part is the betrayal of trust that may have occurred when you were vulnerable in the past. You know, telling people things, hard things, brings so much to the surface but sometimes people take those hidden parts of us that take a lot of courage to reveal and use them against us.
I think about this time when I was in...
I was probably 12 and I told someone that I really liked them, that I had a crush on them.
And he like went and told everybody.
And someone made like, all these MySpace Facebook page like posts about it.
And everyone was talking about it.
And it really, really hurt.
And I was like, well, I'm never going to do that again.
Or you know, what about that time that you trusted somebody with a secret, and they didn't respect the sanctity of it and suddenly everybody knew?
Everyone's had an experience where their vulnerability was weaponized against them.
And when those experiences become core memories for you, what you begin to learn is that being vulnerable is a violation of your emotional safety zone.
It's a threat. And the amygdala, the part of your brain that's responsible for fear detection, it's going to be screaming a whole lot of messages, messages at you.
It's gonna be telling you to run, hide, defend yourself, try and be cold, try and play it off.
Anything to keep away the emotional danger.
And that's why vulnerability hangovers can also feel so physical because the amygdala can't really tell the difference between a physical and an emotional danger.
It's going to respond biologically and physiologically in the same way leading to a crash afterwards.
I think also part of seeing vulnerability as a threat is thinking that there is a rejection waiting for you right around the corner.
You're anticipating a change in their behavior.
You're anticipating judgment and that vulnerability hangover is our brain mentally preparing us for rejection and kind of exhausting itself by the possibility, by overthinking the possibility.
The thing is, you know, we really do have it all wrong.
We really do need to be vulnerable despite people, or yeah, maybe using it against us, despite it kind of being painful sometimes, despite the fact that we may be rejected.
If no one has told you this before, people wanna be around people who are soft and open and generous with their experiences.
They wanna be around people who create an environment for others to also share and let their guard down.
It's a very heavy world right now.
It genuinely feels like fricking end time.
Sometimes. We all want to feel less alone Vulnerability is that solution.
It is the birthplace of everything we're hungry for In fact to quote some recent research at you guys We have found time and time again those of us who are more open about hard things and honest with their feelings They enjoy greater personal success they have more friends, they have more positive emotions, which seems counterintuitive and they have greater self -esteem.
So let's talk about the secret sauce to doing this.
How can we be more authentic?
How can we make vulnerability a bigger part of our relationships and our lives?
But also what do we do when we encounter a vulnerability hangover?
Like how do we approach that to begin with to create and start creating those positive associations in our mind between being vulnerable and feeling calm, passionate, kind towards ourselves.
So if you think you've said too much and you're kinda cringing at your words, here's exactly how I want you to manage this in a way that isn't just gonna make you feel better now, but help you in the longterm.
Firstly, we are going to remind ourselves once again, nothing is ever as serious as our mind makes it out to be.
We're just gonna mentally ground ourselves for a moment.
And I'm actually going to give you permission to catastrophize.
I know that's probably not what you expected me to say, but yes really.
Let yourself right now, let your mind go wild, what is the worst case scenario?
You've just said something stupid, stupid last night, you got too drunk, you confessed your feelings, you've been way too open to someone.
What's the worst case scenario right now?
This person doesn't like you, they think you're weird, they don't want to be around you.
whatever it is, push the barriers of your imagination.
Now you've got that worst case scenario in mind.
Guess what? You can handle that.
That situation you're thinking of right now, it's totally manageable.
It's not going to kill you.
You would survive. And I want you to remember, your brain is in overdrive.
It's in fear mode right now.
When that's the case, it's always gonna make things seem 1 ,000 times worse Because it's trying to prepare you to practice your escape route.
It's trying to test you this situation you're thinking of is not going to happen and The good news for you, is that you know that even if it did you'd be fine.
Anyways, this is just your silly little brain your silly overprotective brain Sometimes it gets it wrong.
Actually in these cases most of the time it does so you've got to call it out You've got a name exactly what you were feeling right now, which is say it with me a vulnerability hangover.
That simple act of labeling can really reduce the grip that shame and anxiety has on us.
I also want you to choose to think differently about your actions.
So instead of asking yourself, why did I say that?
Ask what was I needing in that moment?
Shift from criticism to curiosity.
be curious about how your brain is firing, why it's choosing to disclose in those moments, what was it about that situation that really opened up your need to be vulnerable with someone.
You were honest for a reason, you were probably seeking connection, you were seeking clarity, healing, and that's the intention that really matters even if the aftermath is uncomfortable.
There's real beauty in that.
It's real courage in letting like a really sensitive gooey part of yourself be seen.
I also want you to know that repeatedly, studies have shown us that vulnerability actually helps others trust you more.
It helps others feel less isolated.
It helps others feel more connected to someone.
So you may have actually done this person a favor by being vulnerable, either intentionally or unintentionally by saying, hey, this is environment where you can do the same by saying hey I actually implicitly some part of me hopefully trust you trust me as well really avoid the urge to back pedal I've been there I've done that I've texted someone then morning after being like hey you know the thing that I said like can we just keep that between us like I'm super sorry that I said that blah blah blah no because that is implicitly unconsciously sending you your brain a signal that what you did was wrong
and that you need to apologize and you need to pull yourself back into this invisible space where your emotions are not allowed to be viewed. Please don't do that.
Avoid the urge to backpedal.
You can message someone and say, Hey, thanks for listening to me last night to reinforce that this is actually, of course, if it's not trauma, if it wasn't a trauma dumping situation, like it was just a deep chat that you were both involved in like just to reinforce that this was okay and that you feel comforted by them.
Also just reach out to friends and what we call safe people afterwards, especially if you feel a little bit of regret or remorse.
Just go on and tell them about how you're feeling about it.
Because most of the time they'll say, Oh that's nothing.
That's okay. I've been there, I was fine.
And maybe that's the example that we kind of need.
If you're really fixating, if you're really struggling, there is nothing, a little bit of distraction can't fix.
It's okay. It's okay to just get out of your head and into your body and into your environment for a little while, especially if that's what you need to then come back and integrate the experience.
So feel free to give your brain something else fixate on, something else to enjoy, so that the only feeling that is present in your body is not shame and anger and stress and anxiety.
We are trying to interrupt that connection between and that immediate association I should say between vulnerability and discomfort.
So any way of doing that so that future vulnerability doesn't become something that's off limits to is super important.
Over time as well, we do wanna develop a greater emotional tolerance to exposing ourselves to other people.
That really does seem to be the longterm solution here, and especially if you're in your 20s right now.
This is an amazing time, an amazing opportunity we have to rewire how we think about our emotions when we are still in such a formative period.
If we got this right, if we can do this right, you can go the next 60 years without another vulnerability hangover.
Only a vulnerability glow up.
Only a vulnerability glow I should say.
If you can successfully integrate this, you can go the next 60 years with really powerful, meaningful relationships where people say what they mean and they mean what they say.
What a huge win for humanity if more of us were doing that.
The thing that has made this so much easier for me is modeling myself on authentic individuals online or modeling myself on a person who I really adore, who has the kind of conversations I would want to have and who are incredibly open.
I can name a few of these people.
The big one for me is of course, Elizabeth Gilbert, she wrote Big Magic, she wrote Eat, Pray, Love.
She was on the podcast recently.
And she has a new book coming out where she talks about the grief of losing the love of her life.
And she's just so raw about it.
And I just was like blown away by that and I was like, wow, I am so inspired by her and I'm so attracted to her spirit and her energy.
And so it's kind of like the way when you were a kid, you would want to wear the same clothes or appear like, you get the same haircut as your favorite celebrity or pop star.
You know, the older you get now you're like emulating your emotional heroes and your spiritual heroes, but looking at her and thinking about her anytime I do something vulnerable where I'm like, Oh, is that the right decision?
I'm like, well, if she's doing it and I like her then maybe someone will like me for doing it as well.
So really the principle behind this is just vicarious learning.
Vicarious learning was something first articulated by Albert Bondura, it's a part of Social Learning Theory, which basically says that one of the easiest ways to adopt consciously or unconsciously a new pattern of behaviour or to give yourself permission to act a certain way is to view people you admire, doing the thing that you want to possess in yourself.
And the reason he says this works is because it lowers the perceived risk, it reduces your sense of self doubt, and it activates these things called mirror neurons.
So these are cells in our brain that fire both when we act and when we observe someone else acting the way that we want to.
So they really help us simulate the emotional and social experience of people we admire, so it reinforces that behavior.
This is who I am, I am someone who is vulnerable.
I'm someone who is okay being vulnerable or by allowing us to identify with someone else who we also admire for doing these things.
And I think it's a beautiful thing because then you can slowly become one of those people.
And again, I wanna remind you, people want people in their lives who are vulnerable and messy.
I have a thought experiment for you on this one.
Quickly, are you ready?
Would you rather be friends with A, Someone who is perfect constantly.
This person makes no mistakes.
This person is always happy.
This person is always fun to be around.
Or would you rather be friends with someone who is imperfect, has stories for you of when they screw up, who feels big emotions, who isn't constantly on, who is willing to have hard chats, and who was also equally fun to be around?
I think the answer is obvious.
People aren't cardboard. They're not cardboard cutouts.
We want dimension, we want depth.
People are craving that right now with so much freaking AI and whatever fakeness going around.
So vulnerability is actually a real human asset.
Something that a robot, artificial intelligence can never emulate.
It's a real gateway to becoming closer with people, to seeing their souls, to getting to hear the words, me too, come back to you after sharing and feeling so much less alone.
Some final tips on accepting and embracing vulnerability.
Make sure that the people you initially are vulnerable with are safe witnesses who are gonna show you empathy and emotional maturity.
Don't expect certain outcomes from your vulnerability.
Life is still unpredictable.
Your vulnerability does not promise you anything, and really practice the principles of gradual exposure, incrementally exposing yourself to more and more vulnerability over time so that you can kind of rewire your fear response.
Okay, those are my tips for a more vulnerable generation and for not just dealing with a vulnerability hangover in the moment, but as a long term part of who you are.
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Alrighty. So I keep introducing this segment, but I feel like people are used to it by now.
I'll probably only do this one more time.
If you haven't heard this segment yet, what we've been doing is inviting you guys, the listeners to ask some of your more niche questions about each topic that we're doing so that we don't miss anything so that we cover everything.
so every week I ask for your questions on our upcoming episodes your dilemmas queries qualms questions whatever it is and Here are the ones we got for The idea of vulnerability hangovers.
This first one I love why does this happen post therapy every time I go to therapy?
I find that for the rest of the day.
I am super sensitive.
I'm irritable I cry more and I always end up crashing.
Is that a vulnerability hangover?
Yes, it totally is and oh my goodness I've never related more.
I'm the same. I always have to schedule therapy in the afternoon or even the evenings, otherwise like the whole day is out of whack.
When I was working corporate, I used to just take the whole day off because I was only doing it like twice a month, but I was like, I just can't do this.
I would just take my sick leave because I would come in and someone would be like, Oh, did you see that email?
And I'd be like, what email?
And I'd be like, I don't no, I haven't been here this morning and I'd be crying.
Therapy is the intentional vulnerability hangover we were talking about before.
Even though we know we can trust this person, even though we are opting in to this experience and we know it's safe, so much is coming to the surface.
The really good thing about therapy and why it really works is that it makes so many of our feelings and our emotions and our thoughts visible that we typically would ignore throughout our day and we typically ignore them for general functionality and survival purposes you know there's a lot of big thoughts and feelings in our bodies and in our brains and if we were constantly thinking about them we wouldn't get much done.
Therapy gives us the space to think about them and that can actually be both very rewarding and very raw and very revealing.
So that is exactly why you are feeling the way afterwards, the way that you do.
Everything's to the surface, it's gonna sit there for a while, and then it will settle.
So my biggest tip, do therapy in the evening, go home and just do something you really wanna do that's cozy, comforting and calm, to kind of ride that wave. This next question, can extreme vulnerability be maladaptive?
Now I'm assuming we're not talking about trauma dumping, because yes, that can be very maladaptive if you don't find ways to manage your vulnerability and your desire to express vulnerability in a way that doesn't harm others.
I also think that vulnerability can be maladaptive if we're doing it artificially.
In the sense that you're doing it just to force an early or an unnatural connection with someone by using experiences that you typically would tell someone about to fast track a connection.
I see this a lot in dating, especially if the person you're dating is somewhat emotionally unavailable or not committing.
Sometimes unconsciously, we're like, well, if they know more about me, if I share more, they will feel more connected to me, and so I'll kind of trick them into being with me, not trick them, but essentially be like, oh look, I've made it so we are much closer than we are, Perhaps on an unnatural time line.
So I don't think that happens a lot, but I do think that could be maladaptive.
The second way I think it can be maladaptive is if you aren't thinking about the other person and if you aren't noticing if it's triggering or upsetting them.
And sometimes that's something that you do need to be looking out for, especially if this is a stranger, you're someone you don't know as well.
It's why I always say, go to those trusted safe individuals first. It can be maladaptive and harmful if you are accidentally exposing people to things that maybe they're not entirely comfortable with for their own past history reasons, whatever it is.
This next question I love could do a whole episode on it.
Is it true drunk words are sober thoughts in regards to vulnerability hangovers post -drinking?
Okay, I had to go and do some research on this.
My perspective has always been, yes, I - yes.
No - no ifs or buts.
I think that if someone says something when they're drunk, perhaps they wouldn't have said it the same way when they were soma, but they were definitely thinking about it.
I think the confessions, the emotional expressions that you make when your impulses are lessened are often things that you have previously guarded, and that you couldn't find the right time to talk about.
The reason I say this is because I know how alcohol works on our brains.
I know that alcohol is not a hallucinogen, it's not a psychedelic, it's not going to create new scenarios, it's not going to suddenly make you this creative person who is like oh I'm gonna come up with a grievance, like that grievance had to have had some kind of inspiration from something previously.
What I do know about alcohol is that it's a relaxant.
It's a depressant. It is going to really lower those social inhibitions.
So I will say be gracious.
Sometimes someone, they probably regret it a lot.
And sometimes they just say it in the wrong way.
Look for the deeper meaning in it, be open and have a chat with it.
And if you're the one who said the thing, the naughty thing that's when you've been drunk own up to it.
You just got to fess up and say, hey I didn't say them the best way but I did mean something deeper and this is what I meant and I should have said it to you when I was sober and I'm sorry.
We have time for one final question.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer this question but I talked about this a lot with my friends so I was like I'll talk about it with you guys as well.
As a public figure and someone who talks a lot about their emotions and mental health online.
How do you cope with being vulnerable?
Have you found it difficult?
Are there things you just can't share for that reason?
So I posted an episode last year about my mental breakdown.
That was probably the most vulnerable I have ever been on the internet and probably the most vulnerable I've ever been ever to some people.
You know, it kind of, It shocked me that I decided to do that, even though it was fully, it was a choice I made very pragmatically and with a clear head.
It is hard being vulnerable.
Sometimes, I'll be honest, I do feel like parts of my life have to be commodified as an example in order to provide advice, right?
Stories about my love life or my friendship breakups or my mistakes.
I'm like, oh yeah, that sucks.
But now I have a good story out of it, which is sometimes hard because it does occasionally feel like there are things I need to keep sacred.
There are things that I can't share.
I think being vulnerable about my relationships is something that I don't necessarily do because that's not just me, that's someone else.
I don't know, even if no one knew who they were, Just the idea that they would have to hear my opinion on something first through this and not through an honest conversation just feels kind of strange, but I find it's easier to be vulnerable online and just in my life because deep down implicitly I know that it is probably helpful to someone, even if it's not completely entirely visible.
And I know that changing the culture that we have towards our emotions and our feelings is sometimes big moments.
You know, I think about when Prince Harry talked about mental health, that was like a huge moment I think in our pop culture history, just one that I can think of that changed things, not overnight, but pretty rapidly.
And then there's just little moments and little things where people hear someone talking about something and they go, oh maybe I should talk about that more.
Or maybe I should ask more questions about that.
Maybe I should listen more when someone else talks about it in my real life.
So I find it hard sometimes, but I definitely think have better boundaries.
And it always feels like there's more reward that comes from being vulnerable than any kind of consequence imaginable.
So thank you so much for your very beautiful, very well thought out questions.
This is quickly becoming my favorite segment but hey if you've made it this far you are privy to our emoji of this episode which is a bubble, a bubble or a bubble bath, or something soft and vulnerable and I don't know something soft and cozy.
That's going to be our emoji for the day if you have listened to this point thank you for joining us.
As always if you have questions about this episode if you want to give feedback if you have thoughts things that have come up for you Follow me on Instagram at that psychology podcast and DM me or you can follow me at Gemma's beg with a J To see more personal behind -the -scenes Stuff that's going on with the show.
Make sure that you are following along leave a comment not just our bubble emoji, but any other thought that you have share it with a friend if you feel called to do so and Remember to stay safe be kind be gentle to yourself, be vulnerable, and we will talk very, very soon.
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